Weird DM's: Destroying A Cracker Barrel

hello everybody welcome i figured i'd start the year off with something you know uh we all know and love weird dms they've been piling up since the last video excuse me sorry and i figured we'd just get into them i went through about 250 emails you know some of you still got it in your head that you can get away with writing your uh submission and no we don't do that in this series we need you to be a hundred percent thorough we need you to have the confidence to put your face on it and if you don't have that you don't make the cut i got a lot of interesting videos a shout out to the dude who sent me a clip of just uh how can i say this the frame you know it's like a it's a portrait frame of a toilet i knew what it was but i just had to watch it anyway and uh he just drops a dookie from top frame you know just kind of just kind of goes sailing through the frame and if you put it sideways well it could look like like a nfl replay it could look like uh action shot in the middle of remember the titans you know it was um in a way it was like art i couldn't include that you know that one i had to relay to you verbally plenty more messages like that one shout out to this girl uh she really wanted me to know what happened at her sister's boyfriend's apartment it must have been a good one you must have been proud of that one you know what i actually feel like showing noah you know i can't show you guys but i could show noah the dookie and i kind of feel like showing him that because you know he's the editor and uh we could get his reaction you know what i mean this is like some meta ass [ __ ] right here hold on okay yeah that is poop it's poop anyway i was strictly going off titles and i tried to pick the ones that had the most excitement about them so without waiting any further we can just get into it let's start with this man isaac i chose this one because circus instructor is it's weird why are you in a circus in 2021 all right who even goes to a circus in 2021 did you use a face filter for this man skin tone is just it's very smooth man if you got a skin care routine it's working but so first of all i used to work at a circus school and i would teach summer camps there so every day for a week kids would come in and we'd spend the day just doing circus so trampoline tumbling stuff like that i'm disappointed by that i for sure thought the first thing he was going to say was unicycle trampoline that's not circus man i was thinking unicycle how to grow a mustache that kind of stuff whatever every morning for attendance i would ask them a question of the day so it could be something like uh if you could be any color what would you be one day i decided to ask the kids if they have a question of the day and one dude his name was leaf l-e-i-f he says what's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten i thought that's interesting so we went around the circle i don't know people just said stuff like calamari or frogs likes just weird stuff but kind of normal we get to leaf and he tells us he ate his grandfather's ashes what's with this trend man what is with this trend most of my friends snorted snorted my friend's grandfather's ashes we was sniffing that granddaddy pack normally i'd feel like i was getting got here but the fact that isaac the circus instructor is willing to put his face on and say you know yeah this you know keith with a l ate granddaddy's ashes i guess i have to believe it apparently when he was a kid he was playing in his living room and knocked over his grandfather's urn and accidentally ate some ashes so yeah if you knocked over a urn i could see it what's up with those dusty ass sprinkles kids eat all kinds of weird [ __ ] you know glue alina licked a snail as a kid so i don't know if i could really talk [ __ ] about him but eating your granddad's ashes i don't know maybe just warming up for art school all right next up this boy mitchell i love this title already this this one got stabbed by a serbian catwoman at a new year's eve penthouse party this has to be good right hey i'm mitch 22 from australia so what the [ __ ] was that what'd you just do right there what up man so i was at a music festival a new year's one uh three years ago i got a call from my friend mari saying to come to a penthouse party and i was like yeah this is great like continue the sesh um get to the party i'm on the balcony talking to her i'm a bit depressed because of the come down and this girl sits in my lap and she's serbian uh mari explains who she is i'm like okay cool she's in like a black latex outfit i think michelle pfeiffer is catwoman in batman basically she takes me to the room and i think she has sharp nails because she's like grazing my leg turns out she i turn on the lamp on the side and she's cutting me with a pocket knife wait wait a second you skipped like 40 steps in this story what happened basically she takes me to the room and i think she has sharp nails because she's like grazing my leg do you say the room are you guys about to ah or is she just doing this in the dark i'm confused she basically we went to the room and i thought everything was normal start having sex and she's grazing question answer so let me get this straight man you left a a concert or a festival went to a penthouse party a serbian lady sits on your lap in a black latex suit and then some other [ __ ] happened in between and then you're [ __ ] yeah all that other stuff in between who cares all right so you're hooking up and then you feel grazing on your leg and you turn on the light and she's cutting you with a pocket knife wow go ahead so got out of that situation two years later kind of forgot about it um basically i went on a date with her don't ask why um [Music] basically we went back to her apartment watched this angelina jolie movie that i know like really turned her on for some reason um [Music] yeah i was going down on her started at her head and when i got to her chest i could taste blood and i was like oh no not again turns out she had her ex's name james carved into her chest so yeah that's my no cap or facts story um yeah you know part of me has to has to respect you for for going back in the lines then you you went in for round two having survived the first one which is like it's technically assault right like you you technically got assaulted with a pocket knife but you went back for round two i'm not gonna ask you why you told me not to but that's weird man i'm not even gonna judge the lady with with the name and all that [ __ ] hehe it's just a little pocket knife it's just a little blood it's just a little i hope you don't find yourself in that situation again of being cut without your consent that's a crazy one man i'm glad you're all right damn the best part about this is he puts i had no serotonin left in my brain after that night bro i don't think you had any blood left in your body that night oh [ __ ] here's one that you all can relate to i was the reason my parents got divorced he blurred himself that's how you know it's bad he had to tell the story but he blurred himself long story short it was her birthday um and she wasn't allowed to have anyone over but her parents were away so she did the logical thing and had a party and there was about 30 of us at her house so me and a group of my mates thought it would be funny to get her a vibrator for a birthday being 16 years old that was the peak of comedy for us yeah she opened the present and threw it straight in the bin because she didn't think it was funny at all so we were all pretty disappointed by the fact that she threw it out um so i thought it would be funny to take it out of the bin and then put it in her bed because that would be a funny thing once we leave she'll find it haha um [Music] all right let's see where this goes but i got the wrong bedroom and i put it in her oh whoa let's run that back let's run that back let me let you guys hear that the right way um but i got the wrong bedroom and i put it in her parents bedroom in her parents bed and when they got home um the dad must have found it in the bed and that was the the straw that broke the camel's back and that's why they got divorced okay [ __ ] man i need divorce papers on this one i can't certify this one is is uh all facts i can't i want to believe though you [ __ ] are [ __ ] man you should have just left it in the trash she didn't like it let it go now look at you now you [ __ ] then she had to go to her mom's house every other weekend and listen to that vibrator all weekend long that vibrator ended her marriage she might as well you know at least giving it a test drive wow that one got me that one got me all right next up cracker barrel carpet bomb nothing good comes out of cracker barrel so i feel like this has to be decent oh my man first of all this looks like spock and cody ran into chris hemsworth they just exploded into this dude hello my name is hudson and this is a poop story so let's get into it um this story takes place down to school in virginia but i want to give some background information involving me and my friends here at home in new jersey hudson i appreciate you um if you're if you live in virginia and you know hudson don't ever do a crime with this dude because your ass is going to jail you are going to jail so me and my friends have a very interesting relationship with the restaurant chain cracker barrel uh periodically throughout high school we would go i don't know maybe like once every two or three months uh and we'd all ordered the chicken fried chicken which tastes amazing um and you know it's pretty cheap but it's deceiving because the payment is not strictly financial uh within 35 minutes to an hour of eating it we would all be experiencing either diarrhea vomiting or just awful stomach pain and it wasn't even like we got a bad batch like this happened without fail every single time i can see netflix a netflix editor taking that sequence right there and putting some dark ass music behind it you know just the truth about cracker barrel me and my friends have a very interesting relationship with the restaurant chain cracker barrel we'd all order the chicken fried chicken which tastes amazing but it's deceiving because the payment is not strictly financial the cdc just releasing a new report on cracker barrel foodborne illnesses and outbreaks at cross state lines within 35 minutes to an hour of eating it we would all be experiencing diarrhea vomiting or just awful stomach pain so as a result we called the process getting barreled and you know oh [ __ ] hudson you need to start a t-shirt company called getting barreled that's the best thing i've heard all year every two or three months we go and get barrel um but not anymore i refuse to go with them they still do it once in a while i just just can't you guys talk about cracker barrel like it's [ __ ] like like h or something yeah the guys still do it i you know i had to give up that life i can't keep going not anymore i refuse to go with them they still do it once in a while i just i just can't fast forward to 2017 i'm down at school in virginia and uh there's a cracker barrel in my college town so i had a couple friends down there i know it's surprising i don't have a lot of those we go to uh we go to cracker barrel and i ordered the chicken fried chicken once again i mean i knew i was getting into but this case was like very early onset uh we were still sitting at the table talking hadn't even gotten a check yet and you know it's it's it's a weird feeling because you just feel like your stomach just shifts and then the bottom drops out it's like when the tides get real low right before a giant wave like you just you just know that something's about to happen so i felt that and you know i was prepared i've had years of experience [Laughter] he trained for it his whole life i rushed to the bathroom and uh i run into the closest stall and i find out that it didn't have a lock on it or whatever but uh didn't matter i sit down and i just unload the first wave of the chicken fried chicken into the into the stall here and all is well and good uh been here before you know we're good i then look to my left and realize that there is there's no toilet paper in this stall so it's just like all right whatever this isn't gonna take some turn where like i use my hands or something but uh you saw the [ __ ] you saw the shock in his eyes when he thought about actually doing that look at this frame look at his frame that hit him right there he was like i'm not i was gonna use my hand that's how you know this [ __ ] was real because this [ __ ] eyes he's having a flashback right there i i make sure the coast is clear and i do that little like death waddle around the outside of the stall into the one next to me and uh you know take care of i don't know two to three more waves of chicken fried chicken this involved probably three or four courtesy flushes like this was a this was bad one i mean it was it was just liquid it was like blowing my nose so so after like three to four waves of that i mean the toilet just did not have much water in it at all this wasn't one of those like auto flush ones like it had a tank so uh it was just real slow to refill and i was finally finishing up i was just finally getting those those last streaks out you know finally enough to to be able to be serviceable in public again and i get the last last piece of paper and i just flushed the toilet and i looked down there's no [ __ ] water in it so i look over the top of the next door and i just kind of like throw it down i was like yeah there's no there's no [ __ ] uh no toilet paper in there the stall doesn't lock no way anybody could ever be in there right throw the piece of toilet paper and i hear oh i had just uh thrown a piece of toilet paper that was just in my ass onto the bald spot of like a 45 year old man wanted for terrorism hudson have you seen this man have you seen this man he hit my grandpa squaring his bald spot with his own dookie please if you have any information about this man call this number 1 800 my grandpa got [ __ ] on i should have just left should have just walked away he wouldn't have known who it was unless he had recognized my shoes or something like that and all would have been well and good but i felt bad so i oh you're a good person hudson that's that's a good arc here i am now staring over the top of the stall at this guy asking him if he if he needs toilet paper because i know there's none in there and also saying trying to uh reaffirm to him that that was just an unused piece of it wasn't uh but i was trying to convince him that it knew though i mean bro he probably knew it wasn't used by the way just you know it's not like that [ __ ] went thing like that probably you know that landed and went there was a little bit of moisture and then it came off it was like a static it was like so he knew he definitely knew it just it was a little bit brown but uh trying to tell him that it was unused and whatever and he was like no i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine he was dumb he was just done uh he probably should have fought me right there but he was taking a [ __ ] what are you gonna do so i walk out and i go and i uh i sit back down at my table just mortified and uh homie and his entire family he's got like four kids are sitting right next to us thankfully we were you know kind of at the end of our stay but there was some overlap after the incident where we were just kind of next to each other and then we left cracker barrel and i never saw him again and i haven't been back to a cracker barrel since [Laughter] yo first of all everybody better say thank you hudson for sharing that incredible story bro you told that so perfectly so concise i'm impressed i struggle to be that concise that's four minutes and 30 seconds you you know in 2026 when the world opens back up you can try that as a stand-up set i think i think that'd be a decent start all right moving on oh this one's fine so i go to a bonfire some big yee energy you know so i i'm not even just trying to go after your appearance but you didn't have to specify the yi part i definitely got the yi energy just off the nose and the lashes you know i'm saying i just i caught the vibe immediately i'm having sex with this guy and there's like the second sexual experience i've ever had in my life afterwards he's like let's go round two so he takes off his condom and he's like you need to blow me so i can get hard again so i'm blowing him all of a sudden my telev whoa the speed at which you're telling the story makes it makes it intense but also you need to blow me was he in pain like it's just an odd way of putting it you need to throat starts [ __ ] closing and i can't breathe so in front of like 50 people at a bonfire i got an ambulance to take me to the hospital i found out i had a weird latex allergy that doesn't affect my nether regions but affected my throat and i almost died so the next day i go into school and everybody's like oh there's hayley she'll die for the dick she'll take a bullet for the dick and they were all like oh her gravestone when she dies would have said born from and died on the dick so yeah that's how i got that nickname haley die for the dick ah man high school is a mean place man needing an epi pen to give a [ __ ] is crazy just laying it out on a velvet towel it's in the middle of the room what's that for oh i might die on the dicks though [Laughter] you know buddy walked away from that [ __ ] like he felt like that was a little bit of a flex like low-key you know what i mean like they saw you guys walk off and then they called 9-1-1 and you went away in that ambulance and that whole [ __ ] group of kids was like damn bro he's like yeah got it like that yeah don't mess around me don't need pull out a thing of copenhagen it was like man told you i'll get it done told you i'll get it done let that be a lesson to you ladies you mess around with me uh-huh you better have insurance i was thinking of a dumbass joke it doesn't even make sense because she's talking about latex but i just pictured her at the cheesecake factory just ordering some item off the menu and she's like does this have penis in it because i'm yeah i'm allergic i can't okay thank you oh man i'm the dumbest person on this website uh maybe close it out with this story right here abandoned at the black market no cap on my daddy issues all right let's go so when i was like 10 my family and i went to brazil and we went to this like low brow like black market thing where they sold illegal stuff because that was the only place that like my parents knew they could find like english dvds probably because they were like copy written or some [ __ ] i don't know the whole thing about it whole family walks into a drug then well what's up you guys want some k what you looking for pills we got it all man we need rush hour two you guys have rush hour too yeah in english yeah yeah well you know if only your parents had nordvpn i'm joking but after we got the dvds i was the one that was left holding them and apparently while we were going around like looking at all the other cheap stuff my parents saw the cops so they grabbed my sister and they ran without me just left me and this is gonna let you like you were the fall guy you were the fall guy your dad looking at you like hey listen imma get you out okay just hold on to this i got a dope lawyer i went to i went to college with him he's fire you're young max one year and you'll get out the [ __ ] you you'll be up you'll be out the jammer man just just take it just take it on the chin do it for the family do it for the love all right bet all right see you like 30 minutes later when i finally found them they told me that they ran because they didn't think a cop would question or arrest a little girl walking around in the market um i mean the cops are probably there for like people that are like smuggling cocoa some [ __ ] but the bee movie was definitely not worth the use of trust issues from my parents abandoning me to get arrested from the cops she said the b-movie did they really almost let you get put away over the b movie your parents got the right priorities you said that was some years ago they knew they knew the b-movie memes were going to be the hot [ __ ] on twitter they were just trying to get ahead they were getting ready to start their own [ __ ] jerry you know that's how they were going to pay for you to go to college that's that's the big picture you couldn't see your dad knew what was up he was looking out for you that's how you can reconcile that that's gonna do it for this episode honestly this one was way funnier than i anticipated i'm gonna do another one of these next month so if you think you got some wild story wild [ __ ] to say send it in no cap all facts on jesus christ gmail.com i want to give a big thank you to thor's children from his second marriage hudson and haley you guys really stole the show those are honestly uh i think some of the funniest stories we've heard in this entire series so uh thank you i'm gonna head out and i'm gonna go get barreled so i'll see you guys on the next one peace if you ask me if i give a [ __ ]

Channel: Noel Miller

Views: 1,687,630

Rating: 4.9864411 out of 5

Keywords: noel miller, tiny meat gang, cody ko, tmg, love island, steamy tweets, suki, fortnite, games, cody and noel, uncle noel, thats cringe, thenoelmiller, noelle miller, comedy, satire, vine, rap, sketch comedy, roast, stand up

Id: WPn5ksG83DQ

Length: 23min 11sec (1391 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 22 2021