Weird DM's: Your Uncle is Your WHAT?!

hello happy wednesday you know what time it is and if you don't i want to welcome you to your first episode of weird dms this series is a collection of stories that are mostly uncomfortable and unlike somewhere on the internet where you just read text and you're disconnected from that person we like to put a face to the story just so we know that it's real this series is all about real people with real stories real uncomfortable stories and today's stories are wildly uncomfortable and they sound very dramatic as well i mean there's this kid aaron who uh sent us an email and all he told us was he got impaled in the ass in front of 300 people uh and then this kid peyton he took a 12 thousand dollars so i don't think i have to say much more to sell you on how this episode is gonna be pretty wild before getting into a story about a twelve thousand dollars you know what you have to do you gotta thank the sponsor of today's video and that is public.com there's obviously been a lot of talk about investment in the last couple months and if any of that has piqued your interest public.com is a place where you can do that it's an investing app where you can buy stocks sell stocks you can even follow investors it's a cool place to start if you're just getting your feet wet with investment mostly because you can follow and see other people's portfolios you can follow a random user's portfolio or you could even choose people like i don't know philip defranco or even shaq so you could go to a party you could tell someone hey you know me and shaq are invested in the same company and they'll look at you and say shaq you're like yeah shaq we've got a similar portfolio and they'll look back at you and say how's that possible and you look at them and you smile year to year and you go that's easy man public.com the app is free you can start with as little as one dollar you can buy slices of stock so you don't have to get into a whole stock you know if you just want a little sliver of one it's a little piece of the pie that's cool and most importantly public does not sell your data or your information to third parties or other market makers which other investment apps do so if you're curious about investment or you just want to see what shaq is up to in the market you can go to public.com noelle or download the public app and when you sign up you'll get a free slice of a stock for free it's free because i said it's free again that's public.comwell sign up you'll get a free slice of a stock now it's time to get into these stories all right let's put the headphones on now i don't particularly want to watch this video but i do love this title which is my friend did meth because she didn't want to be rude all right let's take the headphones off and while that sounds funny i think that's probably you know that's got to account for like 40 of meth stories because when you bring out meth that's a vulnerable moment you're telling someone hey i do this and you're sitting back looking at them like i guess we do this we do this now and then they're sitting there holding it like [Music] we do it you're like yeah man we do it you know then the disney channel logo comes up all right we're just going to start it off with this one titled cat ashes and screamo i know my name is liz and this is basically a story of one of many really weird tinder dates that i went on when i was like 19 or 20. so i remember this guy's name was joshua and he was six feet tall and he was a pool boy and he lived in a town that was maybe like 40 or 45 minutes away from the town that i lived on we like match and like message back and forth i gave my number and gave me my snapchat and we made plans to go to sonic like the drive-in so he pulls up to my place and we're like driving to sonic and he tells me that he wants to sing me a song and i was like okay like let's hear it let's let's see and i was expecting some like i don't know what i was expecting a really dope front seat honda civic freestyle that's what you were hoping for one of those classics he put a beat on him like i wrote this for my ex [ __ ] i loved you but he turns his radio down and starts singing some like screamo like like i'm not going to try to do it because it's really weird some scream on song i don't i don't know what i don't know what scream always or is it like i don't oh screamo you mean corpse husband that visual is so funny sitting at a sonic because don't they bring food out on rollerblades at some sonics just sitting there and this dude is just doing the room got someone coming over bringing two blue slushies she's sitting there watching this and looking back at the slushies coming he's just trying to tell the sonic employee don't he doesn't need any more sugar this fool is on meth some screamo song about elizabeth and how beautiful i was and i didn't know what to say so i said thank you and i tried changing the subject so i asked if he had any pets listen you're doing your best but damn i'm just picturing this moment where this dude in pure silence does the as soon as he finishes someone says ah thanks do you have any pets i'd have to drive straight to a hospital and be like hey how do i get lobotomized before tomorrow told me like i love my cat so so much that after it died i had it cremated and that was all like normal to me i guess you know people get their pets cremated yeah sometimes people get their pets where they get it's like they're still alive but they're still yes like taxidermy some people do that some people even do that to their relatives he was gonna carry that cat with him forever and i was like what do you mean so he popped his truck and shows me like this little pet urn and he's like her ashes are in here like i'm gonna carry her everywhere i go and i was like oh cool so i asked him to please take me home because i had work really early the next morning and he was visibly upset so we didn't get any sonic and we're driving back to my place and he goes to the mcdonald's drive-thru and orders one sweet tea for himself nothing for me he didn't say a single word to me the whole drive home yeah what is wrong with you you didn't like his screamo performance he didn't like his dead cat ashes going to my place and i started like unmatching him and unfollowing him and everything i got a text message from him he cannot believe that he drove an hour and a half round trip for some girl who wasn't gonna put out and i told him that i was really sorry that i didn't think i was the girl for him and you know that i wish him hey man i don't know what that guy thought i don't even know if he if he even sees tinder the way you see tinder i think this dude is a necromancer you know just approaching people screaming at the you know probably incantations to muster people up from the dead and then demonstrating his cat ashes there's no way he even views interacting with humans or romance the same way other people do let's get into this next story from aaron who you know who looks like jack harlow go ahead go ahead say it out loud i didn't know jack get her off your chest all right good for you now this thumbnail it just shows nothing but embarrassment i mean this dude is bright red so i can only imagine how embarrassing this story is and i can't wait so aaron take it away what's up noel so i have a story about my ass that i think you're gonna like um back in high school i did the school musicals and my junior year of high school we did one called back to the 80s and i was the villain so at the end of the performance my character was supposed to get knocked out and then dragged off the stage by two of the guys like you know dragging me off dragging you walk i'm sorry bro this the story just continue so during dress rehearsals we had practiced it quite a few times it worked out you know there wasn't any issues but then during our actual final dress rehearsal i was getting dragged and uh a piece probably like this big of the stage it splintered off and got itself lodged in my ass and uh i was a little concerned about it so i brought it up to my teachers and they were just kind of like you know no worries probably won't happen again you know what's hilarious is as a kid you look to a teacher because they're an adult and you're like they gotta know right and you don't realize that's not an adult that's just a woman in her mid-20s who used to smoke weed and wanted to help the kids and now she wishes she could go back to weed because all these kids drive her crazy that's that's just a lady who used to smoke weed you know or if it's a science teacher it's like someone who used to get their ass kicked but they have no idea what to do about a splinter in a child's ass during the second performance which was the last one so it was the last time i was ever gonna have to do this this musical i was getting dragged off and uh i suddenly got stopped and both the guys had like let go of me and i realized that i was like stuck to the stage i guess and i tried to like pry myself off but i was like stuck and so i finally just like ripped myself off and uh you know when i when i had stopped i had noticed that there was you know something that happened down in my my nether regions and uh i'm gonna let you finish man but why don't people just say ass or balls or what is this stupid thing my nether regions why do we use that that's the dumbest word for [ __ ] or penis or balsa or whatever and no one ever says nether regions without that smile like what what aaron just did you know it's my nether regions my nether regions isn't the nether regions where they you know like make wooden shoes and windmills and stuff and so i like let out like uh kind of thing but i was in front of 300 people and i didn't want to make any noise or any you know i didn't want to make a fuss about it right yeah yeah no it's like when someone presents you with meth like you don't be rude you want to ruin the vibe i mean so you know bleeding out of your nether regions then what happened i i just kind of like got myself off and walked off the stage i didn't really know what was going on but i could feel some like wood particles in my in my pants so i went over to uh one of the guys and i was like yo can you like check out my what's going on down here and he looks down and he's [ __ ] shocked and he runs to go grab a teacher i get rushed to the nurse's office and the nurse and the teacher are in there just smoking a bowl right and they're like what's good [Music] oh my god that's so bad oh my god i'm freaking out oh you gotta do you gotta deal with this on my chest and one of the firefighters comes in and he he takes these clippers whatever and he he cuts up the top of my pant like from the bottom to the top of my pants cuts them open my ass is just splayed out in front of maybe five or six people in the nurse's office and uh the guy comes over to me he's like you know you gotta you gotta splinter in your ass and he was being very uh methodical about how he approached telling me what was going on turns out it was a 14 inch long piece of wood impaled in my ass cheek i'm really trying to defend this story and keep all outs of professionalism man but you're you're making it hard oh hell no bro you suss and now i have a big-ass scar pun intended so yeah that's my story i ended up having to uh carry a pillow around for like three or four weeks because i couldn't really sit properly aaron i like your game show announcer energy man my nether regions big ass scar pun intended you should be doing commercials man you make a 14 inch wood splinter sound like buying a toyota corolla it's impressive that's a skill man i don't even think you're aware that you have that skill not for this next one i'm not even going to prep you i just want you to experience this the way i read the title and i went i want you to have that feeling as well so my dad keeps a journal on his laptop and um about six months ago he left it unlocked before he went to sleep and at the time my parents were getting a divorce and my mom was accusing him of having an affair so i thought i'd read his journal and see if that was factual good on you getting answers dad who is she is she real i thought i'd read his journal and see if that was factual instead i found out that my uncle is my real dad apparently yeah yeah i know what you're thinking i have got to get back into euphoria i mean this character it's this is crazy what a brutal storyline i'ma let her finish before this we had done a 23andme test and apparently my dad used the dna provided for that to do a paternity test and my uncle is my real father apparently my mom slept with her sister's boyfriend and i am the result of that and i still have not told either of my parents that i know this information well i'm glad you decided to come out with it to a whole bunch of strangers on this channel we appreciate that we appreciate you risking it all that's so wild because the whole time you thought your dad was in the wrong turns out it was your mom or maybe both of them all right i don't even know how to introduce this next story but we'll see what's up so when i was 19 i matched with this guy on tinder and we decided to go see the newest spider-man movie he said he could pick me up on his motorcycle and i said sure i don't i've never been on a motorcycle whatever and then he texted me that night saying actually i'm going to take my mom's car because i don't want to like run my my motorcycle out of gas or something like that i don't want to run my motorcycle out of get man just say you didn't get paid that week man just tell the truth it's always good to be honest so he picks me up we're having a like a good conversation to the movie theater we park first of all he lied to me about his height um he was five five i'm five nine i i tried to look it over because i like talking to him well your choice of words there i tried to look it over hey would you heard that though he was short but he had what he's got the chat mate it's got proper batter batter can get you a long way it doesn't make you six feet though i had ginger hair which is fine but he had a ginger beard wasn't feeling it so i like was kind of going into it like why is this guy lying to me we get in the movie theater and he turns to me and goes i left my wallet and my cash on my credit card in my motorcycle backpack do you think you can pay or do you think they accept apple pay i was like this [ __ ] thinks they're gonna let him pay through his iphone does anyone feel like they're watching a monologue from riverdale i mean this just i don't know it fits it's just so much conviction when she speaks man this [ __ ] thinks you're gonna let him pay through an iphone only tbs writers could come up with a line like that it's just just scream soap opera i had to pay for the tickets we couldn't get any popcorn or anything we go to the back of the theater i had brought my blanket with me and it was like the it's those seats that are like love seats that are big cushiony seats i'm laying there already pissed off and not feeling it now like at least i get to see the new spiderman movie but he was like insistent on cuddling and stuff which whatever um it's weird to cuddle a guy that's shorter than you but hey hey hey hey listen i can't speak for him but you know the right short guy sometimes we complete the puzzle okay that's all i'm gonna say he started like going under the blanket and like touching on me i was just paying attention to the movie i couldn't say anything because in the movie theater so i like jerk away stiff as a board with the blanket wrapped around me like giving the non-verbals that i don't wanna do whatever we're doing and then he goes i think i'm gonna go grab some water this is like halfway through the movie and i'm like okay knowing damn well he has nothing to pay for but then five minutes go by and ten minutes go by and then like 15 and i'm like this motherfucker's not coming back and i remember i walked out of the theater and looked for him and he was gone he was my ride home so i had to go back in the movie theater and watch the rest of the movie and ended up calling my friend and begging him to pick me up from the movie theater because i just got abandoned by a [ __ ] leprechaun yo that was the most fire monologue i've seen in a minute i don't even feel like i was watching a story that felt like i was watching an audition that was cold that was so good i was drawn into that i cannot believe you went on a date with rumpelstiltskin and then he took off on you that's unfortunate but i'm glad you didn't let it bruise your ego you still you radiate that confidence and that's awesome because you should never let no wallet rumble still skin [ __ ] make you feel bad about yourself well like i said today's stories are pretty wild and i think they delivered i hope you enjoyed that thanks again public for sponsoring this video and i'll see you all next wednesday have a good one bye [Music]

Channel: Noel Miller

Views: 1,557,261

Keywords: noel miller, tiny meat gang, cody ko, tmg, love island, steamy tweets, suki, fortnite, games, cody and noel, uncle noel, thats cringe, thenoelmiller, noelle miller, comedy, satire, vine, rap, sketch comedy, roast, stand up

Id: 0Cu5lsaPAag

Length: 17min 17sec (1037 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 30 2021