The Return of Weird DM's

keep that going keep that going we are back we are back everyone welcome to the return of weird dms now if you watched the last episode of weird dm's you know i said i was never bringing this back never ever ever and here i am lying to you again i just felt stupid really reading stories that i couldn't really feel out if they're real or not and it just felt sort of dumb to sit there and clown on text then i had this thought there's a way to fix that there's a way to make it interesting for me and for you and to make everybody just feel a little bit more on edge which is instead of reading the stories why not let these people tell the stories for themselves so i got on twitch and i put out this email no cap all facts on jesuschrist gmail.com i put this email out on twitch and i said if you got a story that you're willing to tell no holding back you want to put it all on the line your job your dignity your ego everything then let's have at it and surprisingly there were a lot and it made me feel good about starting this up again because some of you have no shame and i appreciate that so without waiting let's get into it the return of weird dms all right our first story is from nadine hitchhiking home but for some reason in a white van all right yeah that's definitely weird lol there's also proof of said white van attached 10 out of 10 do not recommend or remember most of the taking a trip in a white van and not remembering it is just like that's not a good cliche to have on your record but let's see what's up me and this girl i used to be friends with were on our way back from a party like a year ago we usually take the bus home but we missed the last bus so instead of like i don't know nadine just because you have that name doesn't mean you need to dress like you're part of the addams family all right we'll continue we usually take the bus home but we missed the last bus so instead of like i don't know just like dipping into our savings a little bit for like a five dollar uber um we hitchhiked home and not in a regular car septum piercing spiders on the wall i would expect no less that is that is septum piercing behavior hitchhiking a ride home because you don't want to pay for an uber what could go wrong and not in a regular car no we hitchhiked home in a white van so we were just sitting in the back of a white van on the floor two old ass men driving us home that we didn't know not our best decision i why yeah why i'm not saying everyone is a bad person and everyone is a serial killer but that's making it very easy there was a whole sequence of events that happened before you got in there they pulled over and they were old you could have just let me let me let me call uber let me just call it but you didn't you still got in that van kind of weird she said she has proof i want to see this i want to get full context on what happened here they were playing that while they were supposedly taking you home that is right out of a movie yeah y'all need a ride home all right i got just the song here's the weirdest part about nadine's story it's that it didn't go how you would expect it has all the markings of oh man somebody's gonna get murdered and it just turns out that some people are just nice it's kind of weird all right moving on dating story puke lips this story is 193 megabytes this [ __ ] better be solid yes brother um so my funny let's do that again yes brother yes brother so my funny story is actually a a dating story so i'm on a date with this girl we're at we're at like a wine bar knee deep into our second bottle of uh of red wine and i think the date's going well so far in that the chat is flowing um she seems like a fun person she's pretty hot so couldn't complain so far so we're just chatting and chatting and then she has to go to the bathroom and i'm like okay cool that's that's fine and then like two three minutes after that she has to go again uh to the bathroom so i'm like okay um and then three to like five minutes after that she has to go for a third time at which point i'm thinking what's happening here the bathroom in this in this bar was actually unisex so there was only one cubicle for both male and female so soon after she came back um i had to go to the bathroom obviously two bottles of red wine deep holding it in um why do you need two bottles on a date man it's just hitting me now that you guys were blacked out why as i walked into the to the bathroom i saw red wine stains all over the the walls the floor um the toilet seat and the sink and i was just like damn it's like damn this [ __ ] are lightweight just walking back to the table hey i saw what you did in there you a [ __ ] i cannot believe oh you can't even handle two bottles soft so i didn't really know what to do at this point i don't know man maybe give her some water did you guys think about that did you guys think about drinking some water the bartender was like yeah you've got to get her home she's been sitting on that sofa just swaying from from side to side oh man i feel so bad for this woman she must have really liked you to go two bottles deep and just like on one second please one second [Music] do english people puke differently or is the puke sound universal does the english person go to puke and they say i got her an uber back i paid for the bill but um the killer the punchline for this whole story is that in between all the times that she was going to the bathroom to throw up uh we were making out so yeah i've got doo-doo lips didn't see that coming you're just in there tasting shepherd's pie for an hour just she was bird feeding you man wow she must have really liked you or she didn't respect you at all to yak and then commit and say nah i gotta i gotta further the romance you should marry her he sounds like a good lady all right let's see what else we got no cap all sperm all right so here's my story so [Laughter] big zoom energy on this one my dad's dad remarried and him and his wife had another kid who my dad's dad your grandpa him and his wife had another kid who is my uncle jeff so i always thought that uncle jeff and my dad were half brothers but a few years ago my grandma told my uncle that they had actually used a sperm donor so my dad and my uncle aren't related at all so my uncle wanted to find out who his real dad was so he went on 23andme and he did find his dad and it turns out that his biological father is the doctor that was helping my grandmother be artificially inseminated so he used his own sperm to inseminate his patient so my uncle kept it looking and he found out that he had like five or six more half siblings and that this doctor and his brother who was also a doctor had been artificially inseminating their own patients with their own sperm for years so he has all these relatives that he didn't know about because these doctors were crazy that's a lot first of all you should have not told me that you should have sent that story to hbo that's a nicole kidman executive produced crime thriller right there that is two seasons long at least so you [ __ ] up there let me let me think about that for a second that might be illegal right that fully might be illegal but you know if you get something from goodwill it's donated you don't pick who it came from so if the sperm is donated but that's crazy are these people still in business i have so many questions i should have did this live so i could have asked you all these questions as soon as you started going down a family tree i already knew i already knew this story was going to be weird dude's bringing his wife in there he's cocking these people medically and he's making them pay he's charging their insurance that's evil but you have to you have to think this guy is not only crazy but the insane amount of power he probably feels when he's charging their insurance he's making them pay a co-pay to get cucked sitting there in the room with them he said oh man so you're having trouble getting her pregnant more than i'm willing to admit he said ah you can't get her pregnant i know someone who can here's a story from bella i've told this story so many times in the last three years hope you enjoy the insanity that happened as much as i have not thanks for everything so my freshman year of college i was in this friend group with four guys and one girl yeah i know you've told this story a lot just just from the the first five seconds i feel like i'm listening to a stand-up set this is crazy listen to how dialed in this is so my freshman year of college i was in this friend group we're gonna do you a favor and let the story play out so you never have to tell it again you could just link it all right here we go so my freshman year of college i was in this friend group with four guys and one girl other than me and she was dating one of the guys but he was really flirty with me so she didn't like me at all i'm sorry i feel like i'm listening to the nora roberts audiobook or something i don't even know where we're at in the story i need to run it back so my freshman year of college i was in this friend group with four guys and one girl other than me and she was dating one of the guys but he was really flirty with me so she didn't like me at all one day we were all studying in the library together and she offers me a sip of coffee as soon as i take it she starts like hacking coughing so i ask her if she's sick with anything and she tells me she has a mono i end up catching the mono but i catch a really weird case of it like i went to the emergency room and the symptoms of the mono never went away because turns out the mono i got from the coffee she gave me activated a latent genetic condition i didn't know i had called ehlers-danlos syndrome so now from the coffee she gave me three years ago i'm disabled for life and yeah that was all facts no cap you all never cease to amaze me why am i writing short films i should just let you guys write them you haven't even tried to sue this girl you should at least try i'm not a lawyer but it sounds like you could get at least 50 bucks for that ehlers-danlos syndrome ehlers-danlos syndrome affects connective tissue primarily the skin joints and blood vessel walls symptoms include overly flexible joints that can dislocate and skin that's translucent oh were you like tan before nerma skin that's translucent elastic and bruises easily so she turned you in the stretch from the fantastic four i wish you would have like you know gave us a little i picture you telling this story of parties while your head is rotating 360 degrees and you're just doing contortionist stuff and the whole crowd is like so this is a disease that's actually a crazy story thank you for that all right what's up i'm casey i'm 22 so you know i'm no eighth grader and i have a pretty good story i think when i was in high school senior year me and my friend were in a government class and that we were at the same kind of group of desks as this other girl so we started talking to her and kind of became friends with her and then uh one day she said hey y'all should come to this strip club with me this weekend i can get us in for free i know the owner i go there a lot so we look at each other we're like all right sure why not because you know when you're like 18 and you want to be badass you'll go do anything uh so that weekend we pull up to this club and it's like in the middle of nowhere in west virginia and we do not live in west virginia she took you all to somebody's house oh yeah i know the strip club i know the owner like bro that's your dad um so we pull up we go to the like bouncer and we're like yeah our friend brooke says she gets in for free she knows you guys so then brooke opens the door and she is standing there naked she did not tell us she was a stripper there so now we're looking at her like oh okay i guess we're doing this now so we get in for free and then it turns out the reason she was able to get us in for free was because she told the owner that we were there to audition because she told this dude that we had to audition like we ended up getting on a poll and like doing something and then she like grabs my friend who we came with and like makes out with her on stage and got hella tips dude i'm uncomfortable i'm uncomfortable i feel like i walked in on something i wasn't supposed to yeah i don't know about that about all that i think we got time for one more no well um my name is ben i do night shifts at work so i do seven to twelve so i get to work and obviously working a late shift i'll need like an iced coffee or a coffee or something so i bought like this huge [ __ ] like triple shot espresso ice cream one night and boy that that uh run straight through me uh i needed to take just that fat dump so i go to the toilet and i got my headphones in i didn't even wipe it didn't even flush oh man it smelled like [ __ ] out here yeah it really does hey i forgot to wipe it i'm like mid [ __ ] i probably got a chunk of [ __ ] in there and there we got it there we got it doo doo story without fail we got a dumpy story well that was eventful i think that's gonna do it i think this was a good first step back into it if you have a story that you think is better or crazier or stronger than what you've seen today then send them all to the email no cap all facts on jesus christ gmail.com and maybe we'll do a second episode uh let me know what you thought also i got new merch feel free to cop that and i'll see you on the next video alright [Music] man i had to peace it up yeah i might lose a few ask me if i give a [ __ ]

Channel: Noel Miller

Views: 2,093,009

Keywords: noel miller, tiny meat gang, cody ko, tmg, love island, steamy tweets, suki, fortnite, games, cody and noel, uncle noel, thats cringe, thenoelmiller, noelle miller, comedy, satire, vine, rap, sketch comedy, roast, stand up

Id: zlmrA2oqoBM

Length: 15min 8sec (908 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 04 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/blu3hat]

that wine bar one had me fuckin reelin

[u/panicinspace]

Lol the sperm doctor one was actually an episode of Law and Order SVU starring John Stamos eta: he wasn’t a doctor but he went around having a million kids with women throughout new york so it was similar