Tom Segura Shares his Limo | TigerBelly 127

[Music] alright see cuz usually have a guy Gilbert but he was busy oh he'll be doing on Monday nights all right I mean thought George is our producer so he's gonna take over his part what's your name I gotta like Annabelle Annabelle sorry and I'll never forget again its price okay you do the tuck countdown right okay also don't talk until I introduce you all right new area don't ever [ __ ] do that again god dammit do five four three two one [Music] welcome to Tiger belly god I am your um I mean I'm your leader that's right I've designated myself as your leader and I am I'm pure magic I have problems I have a lot of character defects and I'm going through a little depression but still follow okay we have a great podcast scheduled for you we've got um my girlfriend Lila's its meaning yeah kalila we got Georgetown University right there man Georgiy with this ugly orange beard I love it there no come on man said wildling you look like a wildling I've been trying for it yeah thanks a good look thank you for you and your skin is pure and your skin is white and I enjoy it we've got a cameraman the woman Anabelle old friend good to see you old friend we got uh cuz the cousin of George Bryce yeah yeah he gives my girlfriend [ __ ] eyes I see rice I see you man I know I see you and you giving her [ __ ] eyes alright and we have a very special guest I mean is this guest is okay we've had pretty good guests on the show okay we've had well we had Jordan Peele Academy Award winning now or he's nominated yeah we got we had Stone Street on but this one's a really good one guys we hooked up a good one he has a Netflix special out what's it called disgraceful I said not to talk sorry time to juice your name and that was a test all right all right it's called disgraceful yeah and Tom Segura everybody clap your hands Tom Segura thank you thanks for having me but thinking oh my god why did you want to do this y'all know what it is because I just wanted to hang out with you Bob oh you are one of the nicest guys I've ever [ __ ] met I never you remind me of Eric Griffin in the sense that like there's no showbiz weirdness it's an [ __ ] yep I know but he's he would have been an [ __ ] if he was a coal miner oh I mean I love Eric nothing Eric Griffin would have been an [ __ ] wherever he is that's who he is right anyway so that's what I'm saying yeah that his ass wholeness is just who he is right yeah he's a nice guy that's just who he is Tom Segura okay and before we get into anything I'm gonna just tell the people how I met him wilee met you and this is how I truly cuz I know when I actually actually met you the very first time okay well what say that first time the very first time I met you would have been like around 2004 or 5 something like that yeah on the streets of Melrose and it was a after a show at The Improv and I saw you you're at a car like a really tall woman she blonde yeah it was Sarah that was I was dating Sarah she's like six feet tall yeah yeah yeah and then I saw you and I was like oh [ __ ] Bobby Lee : I knew you from TV and I said something to you and then I like kind of like jokingly soft pitched you a sketch yeah yeah yeah and then you improvised with me and then you jumped on my back like I gave you a piggyback ride are you I literally jumped on your back I'm done my back oh [ __ ] I was like I'm probably on the show this week and now okay so I hadn't seen you between the story that I have and that we there was really no I mean a couple of times we like I would say hi yeah but I didn't really know you know you and then I would say something you'd be like that's racist dude right right yeah so I get booked on the oddball Comedy Festival yeah and I find out that it's summer of 2016 yes this beautiful summer of 2016 I remember it like it was yes a couple years ago yes and I can't I couldn't believe they asked me to do it but um so we go I go to the airport and it's Sebastian Maniscalco was that the airport Tom was there I think Dane Cook was there and you know we were supposed to get our own tickets so my manager Abbey juju she's Jewish she wants to save money so she always gives me coach oh honey it's not a big disc there's no difference right yeah yeah so these guys get first class yeah so I'm talking to them in the you know you know a gay yeah we're giggling their first class and they all leave I'm like now I blush and I'm going I gotta walk by them right and you know me so let me say something walking by I don't know how Christ felt when he was like holding the thing and yeah throwing rocks but it felt you know similar yeah I would assume the only thing I regretted in that moment yeah was that I wasn't already better friends with you because then I would have enjoyed it you know I feel sorry for him at that no I cause with a comic you already like they let you know what kind of person they are so there's some comics who would have given off the vibe of like don't make this a thing yeah and you're kind of like if you can pick up on people's yeah you know body language and stuff you're like alright you'd be like but he was playing into like he was talking about it like I'm so embarrassed go back there yeah yeah yeah I mean that's what it was yeah they were like booing did you boo I think told the flight attendant to bring you stuff yeah I could give this point yeah well no you came back and threw a pillow on him he took a first-class pillow and it was a use that you know mean and it was just so embarrassing but then that's when I knew that he was playful but here's when I knew that I really liked him and that he was a good guy is is that apparently we were supposed to arrange our own rides from the airport we were in Austin yeah to the hotel right and everyone got off the plane first glad you know when your friends are in first class and you're in coach you would think that they would wait for you to deplane doesn't Ally on the flight - yeah right no one did straight into their limo they went right under their limos that they their people set up I don't have a limo enough I don't know how many I don't even know where I'm staying all right so I'm like walking I don't see anybody and I walk outside and I see Tom standing there with his limo driver and he says I just assumed that you don't have a ride and I go correct right I'll give you a ride to their hotel whoo [ __ ] I don't know I'm about to cry who the [ __ ] does that I'm Kai me no let me get who does that I mean not only we're not war buddies we weren't Nam together yeah I wish it was you know but um I don't know him that much I don't know him he does that that's [ __ ] dope bro like III would probably hurt somebody for you thanks buddy yeah you're welcome man wonderful guy you know what I thought I remembered though if I'm wrong about the UH I did make the assumption you didn't have the car and I waited yeah didn't you come down and go like Oh like where's my car oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like is my guy here I I mean a normal committee would have fired his [ __ ] people for no dude they just you know it's know they they they hung me out to dry then we had a good talk on the way that we did and then we took we took another car well we went to the shows Austin was a fun show that was fun show yeah and then we went out to dinner afterwards yeah we did now my age bought us yes like I was like I'm your only client there's like six comics there yeah and I was like do you think you're gonna sign all these guys Ally was there I remember Ali was at the dinner who else SEPA wasn't Jermaine Fowler Jemaine and holler he's great he's great and he's doing great on that doughnut show yeah yeah I think it was us yeah it was awesome it was fun malee that was a really fun time yeah I was fun and um you know it was good to see Dane - and Sebastian and those guys but you knew who I really bonded also with with Jeff Ross yeah he's a sweet guy - oh my god I know him Ben I met him on that - he did I didn't really I'd said hello before yeah yeah that's the longest conversations I'd had was on that thing yeah I think it would have been real if it that was like people don't know that tour you know they cancelled a bunch of dates it bombed yeah but if they had had like a superstar head and it had been a success we would have all been travelling together probably for every show and I think that would have been like super Bonnie yeah it didn't seem bounding it felt like the end of something yeah I'm never in the beginning of something like a MADtv I was not in the beginning and I was at the great run and yeah the last bad years but how many years were you on eight years of the bad you [ __ ] end of a run eight years what the [ __ ] was off for 14 years so you're over half of it yeah but the end what eight out of 14 is like more than give it yeah yeah well man how did you get I know you've done this story before we had so at my I have contact we met when tinder first emerged no yeah you guys been on tinder yeah it was my first and only date out of dinner what yeah and I just wanna [ __ ] run wait what well you know I was on tinder to [ __ ] run oh I thought you meant you wanted a [ __ ] run from me yes I thought you meant to hit it and split what's the terminology so when you saw her you when you saw her you swipe I don't even know which way you swipe right right you swipe right but that's like that how was the how does the DMing go like you guys are well I have a brick to it well he had been you know going on several dates at this point okay I had just gotten the app I think I met him like my first week yeah what I do is this I act like I don't know how to use it oh really yeah that's you're like getting yeah I'll go high right and they'll go what's up and I'll go high again and then they're like what and I'll be it did you say high twice yeah to make it confusing a little bit thank you uh-huh and they go is this working like I just it doesn't work I don't like your face right now why that wouldn't work for you the I yeah I just do it in a cookie so turned off I do it like I don't you know I do that with life in general I think people's game is one of the most fascinating aspects I know of you know I mean like psychology so but then like after a little bit of that you're intrigued do you right away give phone number are you like hey like no she was absolutely suspect of me she was yeah yeah you know he was yeah but I because I knew he was I knew that he was probably gonna pull like the whole you know meet me at the Comedy Store in his place of power uh-huh so I refused that for several months she does you have the same mom you kept saying yeah yeah just show them so I can show but I also live I gotta tell you this is so funny as far as like insecurities and stuff I haven't been single in a long time if I were single I would definitely not invite somebody to see me do stand-up why because I don't know that might I just feel like yeah but you're not gonna get swipes do you think I mean let me say something yeah Tom Segura postman if you were like you working for the Postal Service yeah a good job right would be a great job a great job I'm not making fun of postman Ryan but with your face Yeah right on tinder yeah postman postman gotta get a lot of I think you would listen first but I'm saying when I'm snowed you know what I'm saying what I'm saying is is that did you ever throw out like a real pig line would we ever like yeah they're like hi and you're like once you come over here and [ __ ] eat my gosh at all yeah yeah you didn't know no I the only thing that works for me is the [ __ ] thing yeah acting rude no just not written ah troop full-blown [ __ ] but like just acting like I don't know what's going on and he does that too like on first dates and stuff oh yeah oh really yeah he was like a bumbling fool how do you coffee yeah like how do you order right in the right place and yeah they think it's cute yeah that's so awesome there's this thing where I do another thing exists I found the most what I thought was like a quiet coffee shop further away from my house uh-huh he insisted on going to the clothing shops hope that someone would recognize him hilarious take a picture and then he would he would kind of like wield that type of yeah how are you know yeah because I wouldn't go to Hollywood I wouldn't because I was living in Long Beach right I drove all the way to Long Beach and he was like please someone recognize me and finally it worked it did work yes a couple people did yeah one guy was at this whole shop yeah you you throw-in it when that happened you obviously feel great right you're like yes and then are you kind of impressed are you like I mean because you don't know it's his game yet I mean I'm like yeah that's cute that's nice but I know it's his game like I dunno I think I anticipated everything that he would try and pull which is why I tried to I dated him in Long Beach for several and she's always she's seeing a couple of other guys wait hold on what you were seeing I mean in the beginning you were lower like at your birthday party I was seeing somebody in a different country yeah that that was the only one I know but at your birthday party there was that other guy that younger kid right the kid had a crush I understand that but still I know but still that was he keeps giving [ __ ] rape on how did you meet your wife I know she's been doing yeah we met we met when we were you know basically open my kurz but we were friends cuz she had a boyfriend asian why would you say like that just no no but you pulled both hands toward me like disgusting I did it like disappointed Chinese are good husband good husband yeah they were together for five years I was friends with her we would do shows like like part of the crew you know like wait would you give her [ __ ] eyes for five years no no we were totally I was always thought she was attractive but you're like she's you know she's taken and then I got the call like my my one of my spies was like yeah they broke up and I was like I'm gonna swing in there see what's up how long after they broke up did you it was like a few months yeah that's a long relationship was their flirtation in there though before a little bit I mean no I don't feel like no there was never like anything like it was like a respectful thing you know like I was always I treated her like with respect and just like another comic really really yeah I really did but he did so but d-don't say like she's cute yeah of course I thought she was cute but I mean I was like if someone's like that person lives with somebody you're not like oh yeah yeah yeah I didn't even consider it man Wow and then so it just hit it off right away yeah we had a couple uh you know some funny guy try to try to do an LA thing when I asked her out the first time I called her and I was like I was at work I was working in post-production and I was making small talk I was like so like do you want to you know like get together maybe Saturday and she was like sure and I was like you want to go on a hike I was like a very la ya know and then I just go alright I was like alright later like I didn't get no although up thing you didn't have a follow up Rico you don't wanna go hike dinner didn't like come to mind yeah I'm kind of slow I was like you were shocked it will you embarrass because I threw your hike [ __ ] well I didn't even realize you saw through my hike [ __ ] I just was like she doesn't want to do some oh so then when I called her the next time to go out I love that you called her yeah it's really sweet and this is like I call her the next time and I'm like are my hiking like fails and she's like hey I know this bar you can still smoke it do you want to go there and I was like okay this is why she doesn't want to go on a yeah so then yeah then we just went on you know dates and it just continued but it's amazing but you guys are four years but not me you know what can I just say something on her yeah she's strong dude oh yes oh my amazing beast yeah she's great me yeah she's great it's so it you rarely see two comics that are super good she's I always know a guy that's really good and his girlfriend open-mike her yeah sure riot I never see two beasts you know it's incredible well the thing I was so happy about now that her special came out on Netflix and everything yeah she's selling tickets so I'm like about bringing money she's going on the road now she has some dates coming up you know what the baby which one you have to write no no we have one at home and we're pregnant she's pregnant yeah no so she's not doing she's not gonna do a lot of dates okay but she said she has a few well he did it what but Ally's [ __ ] nuts with that he's not now he's doing it like up until like seven and a half months yeah like and also like multo multiple City weekends and you know just some people DLC I imagine that when I get pregnant I'm gonna be in a muumuu for six years yeah I'm not gonna change I'm gonna have three pairs of underwear I'm just gonna live in a giant muumuu and I'm not gonna move much I'm gonna stay mostly horizontal and yeah I'm yeah I'm gonna hug it out yeah yeah but what Ali does is I can't even fathom doing that without a baby in my belly I mean she is she does it with like like all systems go it's a credible yeah she powers through it I mean yeah I don't get it either I'm not pregnant and I look at her schedule my god damn I know I always keep saying even when I see how I go you're a riot she could do girly if she's a gap fine fine feel great it's like what that's personality because I have like my older sister when she was pregnant she was pregnant White has two kids she was like running they had to tell her stop lifting weights yeah a little bit she feel great good working out can the baby's skull get crushed yeah come on be real certain exercise yeah you can continue and if you're like a fitness freak like my sister is to begin with then they just like keep doing what they're doing you know you recently lost a ton of weight right like 50 pounds yeah oh my god I know you look so 50 better how'd you do it cutting sugar basically I did like a keto diet and you know exercise but it's basically you know I worked out before is crazy people I'd be like once you try working out like [ __ ] a workout I just eat everything so yeah if you do that I mean part of his genetics to like you know there's some people that like eat garbage and stay fit they're the worst but like yeah I just I just was like eating like a total [ __ ] [ __ ] all the time that's the things like you can eat like a pig sometimes gotta like space it out that's what I've learned basically is like I was somebody who like breakfast lunch and dinner all the time would just be like I'll just eat whatever I won't even have any regard for nutritional value and I go to the donut shop at 2:00 in the morning ACK mom what happened on your hike when you had a lemon love cake like me and I went and I had it what I call it he went he became hypoglycemic and we had to drive the car into the hill no yeah it to the hike and at nighttime it was a night hike I couldn't move and he was I was this is something that had had happened before or no yeah he just eats its [ __ ] on his sugar and then that's all he did he crashes I might die soon maybe yeah maybe no worries um now we've been to the hospital they've told me they did they put tick but out and they analyzed the borderline diabetic do you do anything to address yeah I move my fingers a lot yeah I do I do this a lot and it was my video game is hard but watch what you eat at all yeah no I had Rosie Mike's is that good that's like diet food wait I want to go back to your dating so I'm going out a few times and he's like oh like maybe people take a picture of me here and you're like whatevs but you still are into him um I I couldn't really tell that if I was into him because I think our first date was only like 45 minutes or an hour long we just had coffee mm-hmm and I knew that he had just woken up because it was 2 p.m. but his eyes were just full of crust I know Jesus how you did for your date yeah that's early from well you know what's great though I guess is that he's totally not putting on any previous there's no front so there's no sir when I when you finally got into it pretty seriously there was no deviation from the original person that I write that's Carly still a mess he lived like you know when I first came to his house finally this place didn't have furniture it was just a big giant pile of shoes like you have to climb over to get to the room and that's not even an exaggeration yeah I'm hoarder yeah and then I'm gonna man for like not like how long were you always like I don't care or does that something I was too bro listen to me right now man I'm listening I'm telling you right now man I was born like I don't give a [ __ ] really right I didn't know how to pay taxes but four dates I'm sayin four days for anything you were all you listen to me man you think that like being the way I look I was killing it in the 90s was I wasn't because imagine this look at this body yeah you didn't have this body right okay you didn't have you know your why you got to make it like that I don't do anything I mean it's what I'm thinking but you don't have what I have I think that you're wrong but I don't care what you I know but you're not gonna believe this but I sincerely from the get-go found you to find you attractive all right I mean Corian funny yeah she's like in high school I would've dated dude no you would oh yeah I [ __ ] up thought of ugly guys cuz I wasn't that cute either when I first came from the Philippines I had a [ __ ] then choose to gum ratio it was I was a mess who else could I could have the best part of that statement I was like of course I would've dated you I dated other ugly guys that's what I'm saying so but wait a minute nobody you feel like now though but like do you feel like now do you feel the wave of like Asian sensation like Asian right don't you think don't you see it well I I have to admit and I and you know I see also just fans don't take a photo of like an Asian magazine with 15 Asian stars yeah and go how come you're not in it there was one with you know BD Wong jo koy bunch of people like you know like doing a Vanity Fair pose yeah and these are the leading Asians in Hollywood why not why not say why aren't you in it because they want you to be in it I know but the thing is is that it makes me feel like [ __ ] because then I read and I go yeah why am and that rumor the other day I'm like how come I'm not in this but isn't that kind of nice that those fans like you so much that they're like you should be in or the hundred most influential that was it right there was on clearance hundred most influential Asians in Hollywood the Tahoe hundred I can't even make the top hundred not even the top a hundred right that's depressing it's depressing right that's exactly why I'm depressed Joe poison it right no he wasn't in the top what but you know Ali Ali's galley wasn't a tough on it yeah I found interesting about that Korean magazine with all the Koreans in the front yeah it was all Koreans but then jo koy he won't read it well that's right okay okay okay yeah it's my theory you know way you grew up with the Philippines yeah what hell were you when you came over fifteen oh my god and then straight to Long Beach Pasadena and the whole twenty you know how game do you know that Pasadena was it has a you know listen did you know that Pasadena right he is gangland I didn't know that until a few years ago somebody but you believe that yes they have a definitely not you're going to the Ice House right right when you drive there think colors no here's the thing only thing I've known about Pasadena yeah is the ice house so for years I've been like this is obviously the best neighborhood lesson film but then if you actually talk to people from passing they're like yeah but don't go to I forget what summit mountain and I've been on Colorado Street and they have great sushi joints and really you want to test these fools don't call them all gangbangers are watching this [ __ ] is Bobby Lee's the one talking [ __ ] not time no Tom told me that like [ __ ] passing what you said no they said they're not [ __ ] real gang members they're weak he said I thought you said said I'm Korean I thought you said I'm happy I'll [ __ ] a [ __ ] gang member in the bar you'd now most Asians as you know are really good at the martial art which is your favorite like of those okay now we're getting to it now we're getting to the nitty-gritty of it all just stop no you asked the question I'm the answer you throw the Stars what is it I'm Korean so with delicious is enough i quando exactly yeah I took that one day when I was a kid yeah master Hong Kong Kim was really a doctor a fatty were the in [ __ ] tackle don't care no he was a you know you yes I was and actually I was pretty skinny little kid at that age I was asked a question yeah you like the Andre Agassi look about that the head here's the thing the thinner it gets yeah it's good luck if I don't know if it's when you're thinner and you can let it go longer yeah it just looks thinner so like well I have hair you go like oh it's just parting and falling like you got a if you if you don't go short you're really you're not doing yourself any all right I mean can't let the wind pick it up well you do what Polly doesn't just get the thing what's that the implants I can't do it I just can't he's gonna get beard implants I make a beard implants why don't we I'm serious why would you laugh like tell me what you're so I understand what are you planning on doing getting beard implants which is like a hair transplant you hear don't grow here I looked it up how much as it is where to go is it a lot 6500 and would be like everywhere you know can I just say this yeah just don't tell people that I'm getting it done I know I'm seeing it on this podcast I understand that by the comics don't listen to this so when I have a full-on beard I want to show up and have people go oh yeah he naturally could do that you hear anywhere else not much what no like maybe two in his leg yeah they take the hair from the back of your neck mm-hmm and they they put it into your face and then you shave it apparently and then just let it grow a wild I want to look but you got to make sure it goes everywhere right yeah I'm not gonna do blotchy like I'm [ __ ] that's why Chernobyl I'm not gonna ditch renoble thing oh that that's pretty wild never heard of that what did people get it I looked it up on the Internet yeah because we can't do like I can do this so what I'm gonna try to do is grow this out these tips mm-hmm down here so it does a Foo Manchu you really perpetuate that look yeah so when is uh when is it when you set up how soon you gonna do this well I figured this because I manifest things in my life yep and so this is what I think I think that I think the show that I'm on is gonna stay on a while my feeling about it so called splitting up together it's gonna stay on and then um I'm gonna reap you know I think that it's gonna go on for five six years and I'll just kind of retire afterwards and I'll disappear for a while and when I come back I'm gonna go look like Korean Gimli mm-hmm Lord of the Rings you know you guys have a lot of Korean food growing up at home yeah why because my wife orders it like every other day from where from [ __ ] Mexican restaurants where do you think butwhy restaurant [ __ ] don't know the name of it [ __ ] bulgogi I don't know what it's called that's what me please go I don't know the [ __ ] name of it now right oh she just goes on uh yes and she goes but we live in Koreatown then altered actually yeah no it's prep but but now I mean where we live now there's just a couple places and I don't know man she's [ __ ] obsessed with Korean food we should we should all go yeah we should go to what parks I think that Bobby and I we know the absolute and we go to some of them stay open 24 hours a day so if you're ever just like 4 a.m. I do a late light always get coffee Jimmy how we go too late and late night all the time to top my quality yeah it is and we're not talking about tofu house yeah either we're talking about higher grades there's a there was a spot we used to go to on 6th Street yeah we're like the [ __ ] mama of the house would like make me eat garlic cloves oh she would wait is it on the 7-eleven area 6th Street from that same one we like we know where the older ladies yeah it's a forget if I drove through contacted with names yeah there's some yeah hey whatever you know could you recommend a Mexican place no is it is Peruvian Mexican yes yes wait wait in South Amer that's the deepest right that's a tip no Julia yeah Chile's the tip is underneath yeah Peru's north of that yeah but is it in the middle yeah West Coast middle okay what are you guys known for like food wise no just in terms of like and what gangs ms-13 what does it oh the Shining Path was an end of the terror really yeah a Shining Path I mean that's a Peruvian terrorist group that's an amazing name that's my nickname now the Shining Path yeah that's covering my al Guzman that was the guy that ran it really he was a Harvard professor have to be to run a gang yeah what was their agenda I don't know take [ __ ] poor people make them wealthier or something who gives a [ __ ] they were yeah they were just there I mean I lived one summer where they were like setting off bombs every day and you would they would set off a bomb like in downtown Lima and out in the burbs windows would shatter because they would set off [ __ ] such you you up there well I'd spend summers there both your parents are Peruvian just my mom okay that's white as [ __ ] huh so such a cracker like so where'd you grow up too many places like we moved a lot what what do you consider home like of all the places probably like South Florida because that's where they live now but I mean I lived in the Midwest a lot you know Cincinnati Minneapolis Milwaukee South Florida yeah Wow you went to high school there mhm Wow I don't I thought you were a Midwestern guy you were but I mean but you know I only went to high school there so all my other stuff was Midwest yeah yeah now you're playing the store a lot as of late right yeah you like it I love it good but the place is amazing though like when I was trying to get in there 10 years ago I thought it was a [ __ ] wasteland we never hit box and I was one of the worst comedy clubs imaginable and then I went there once but there once and I didn't get passed and Mitzi was like in the back of the room and like the worst was that when you're on that on stage and the or and I'm doing my set and look back and she's talking to this guy and I can see her going like yeah yeah - and I'm like you're kind of like doing your thing and looking and I see her like yeah she did that - George Lopez oh really yeah George Lopez halfway during a set she's talking to and he stops and goes hey [ __ ] I [ __ ] drove all the way over to [ __ ] she'll kiss you [ __ ] and he left the stage whoa right and then you know what she did to Louie CK no he he's emitted in and all of a sudden you hear whine um he doesn't have it and every turn he hasn't he should be no special I don't pay her he doesn't have it and that was kind of toward the end what we were like so this is like what year is she doing this this is not 12 years ago maybe 14 years ago yeah so she was yeah so YouTube did well addition of her so I did do that I had that night it's the same night Steve Byrne got passed because we were one that went after the other yeah yeah so but she only responds to at that she only responds to like he is a short black guy yeah he's Korean Steve had a good set I remember that yeah I remember cuz we went one after the other and then when I had a Comedy Central half-hour I go back and in Tommy's running it oh my god and I go I asked like what should i do they're like we'll come on Monday and I go really like all right when I have that I have a DVD of the half-hour to be like I don't know what the process and I go hey he goes oh I know who you are and I go oh I go so what I need to do he goes just come here like every Monday and hang out I'm like all the time and he's like he's like yeah and I go all right and he goes since you're more established I'll give you more time so I go okay so everyone's doing three minutes he goes you can do nine minutes I was like all right so I do 9 min or 10 minutes or whatever and I get off and I was like I was expecting it to be like either a yes or a No yeah he goes is good just keep coming I was like nah he's like yeah I go do you think I'm gonna just like like just keep doing this yeah Murray saw it so he did that to Maryland rice club oh right II met Mary Lynn Rajskub at the store I walk her to Tommy yeah and I go this is my friend Mary Lynn can you show got a showcase he's like she's gotta just show up on Sundays and I go and I pulled Tommy aside I go she was on eight seasons of 24 yeah she was on mr. show the Larry Sanders show this is not yeah you know she's been doing stand-up for a very long time so arias don't act like this is a homeless person yeah right you had to educate him in that way it's so embarrassing I heard that he and I never asked him directly about it but someone told me that he he was doing he did that or said something like that like keep coming here to Hannah about Hannibal yeah Hannibal was in town yeah and something like one of the guys who he actually listened to was like dude like he's super established yeah you should then he was like oh okay yeah what that he was like I just come here all the time but you know what what Adam has his own things too I love them yeah it's a tough job it's a very tough job it's one of the most impossible jobs to do I've never been married to LA spots though so it really feels like almost like it doesn't affect me you know I mean cuz I never you're [ __ ] lucky I grew up in that culture dude I never read I don't get spots I feel like I'm not gonna make it really yeah when I'll get I'll even call in every night and and Adam will just come which is everyone called in yeah you lost out on Wednesday and Thursday yeah I will have a false to get scale meltdown like it's over everyone you know I mean instead of looking at it like just logically and in what objectively and go you know dude it's like rana white needs the spot - you can't have every night yeah but I take it personally because when you cut like on a Monday how I'm a nice to give a veil you give it let you go all week mm-hmm and this week guys I have every night you doing spots every night yeah Wow good for you man but sometimes when it's busy I'll lose out in a couple yeah but dude when Tommy was here yeah yeah he really looked at me in a in a star way yeah you know I I think Adam looks at me like I am a working comic who happened to do a lot but I'm I'm not in the realm of certain people which is fine it makes me want to work harder yeah I guess I but like with anybody that has that job they're gonna have their preferences yeah Isis and the other thing is the most important thing like you said is that it's not a [ __ ] easy gig man you got like a thousand dudes hitting you up there's no you don't win like they never enjoy everyone's happy no so they had to get a view of what 14 spots at night and you have 400 people call in and they're all like will tell what spot and they're all pretty good yeah and he had to call everyone over the age of 55 yeah and say don't even call in are you serious I mean he he did that to a bunch of people Dahmer arrow was excluded yeah if Marcus Hamilton was excluded and um who else it was another one I think y'all cops Miran off mm-hmm but other than Louie Anderson those are ones that obviously yeah stand out yeah but everyone else the kippah Dada is the you know the Jeff Altman's core Charles Fleischer they were just they just don't even there done that Fleischer dude we're brazii do you toot one time Charles fly sir if you guys don't know who Charles Fleischer is he was the voice of Roger Rabbit right in what's the movie called Roger Roberts robbery and he's fantastic yeah yeah he was also had a little cameo in zodiac the David Fincher one mm-hmm he is um he's extremely eccentric and also he seems almost autistic he's going like I don't know where he'll break into a character you mean yeah you know and he'll like do it dance you know and then you're like whoa should we leave how depressing is that though that you get the call to be like don't do don't call here anymore like just we've had enough of you that's I mean you know one day it might happen to me that to anyone anyone you yeah anyone and that day but you know what dude let me say something though the he'll know they'll never never never do to Saget I said it last night you know a Bob Saget rolled up there they parked his car and he gets to walk around whoever he wants right I want to get there you wanted that but that yeah you know what I don't think that I listen I think that we are the you know Tom Arnold even yeah gets to park there and go off they're celebrities right I think we'll get there it'd be nice no I think we are do you think about no no be real yes thank God you weren't on my side there I don't know what I was gonna do let's go back so date number five something reminded me when you were like oh you're talking about was it Charles Fletcher yes how he would just like break into character yeah Bobby would do something very similar but intentionally he would try to seem more eccentric than he actually was like he would be driving we'd be in a middle of a conversation and then he was just like like just like do these like silent like monologues like but like mouths England yeah I purposely do he would do like little text yeah because he wanted to seem like an artiste like he was something like so bon bon catchy now did you already at the time cuz that's I feel like you see it out you saw it at that time too um I looked at him like okay I guess I can live with that I mean I'll tell you why ya know because what I thought no I'll tell you why why did you do that because when I was I when I was 22 I worked at a coffee shop called the panickin and I liked a band called Drive Like Jehu all right say there are math rock band I love them what's math rock math rock is just punk rock but it's like repetitive right and just kind of mad I don't know yeah yeah so anyway um Rick Fahr was the lead singer and he was he came in he had one shoe missing always no he just walked in the car again a shoe missing oh god that's so cool yeah yeah and you know he had money he was from Del Mar yeah right so this guy's money but yes he purposely no shoe right uh-huh and then he would he was by himself and he had one of those hobo gloves yeah it's summer he doesn't need to wear fingers yeah yeah yeah yeah and you look at his fingers and they were dirty and then he had a cappuccino like a heel he'll like this that guy you're [ __ ] he's the best okay he's very talented so he's holding it like they're super turned right and then right he would would do twitches oh my god shrink and they kind of talk to himself right and I would be I was you know you're fascinated by him oh yeah I'm doing the coffee but looking at him I mean because I've all you know have all his albums and um I memorized he wanted to be his understudy yeah in fact here's another thing that they do right drybeck Jehu right you know when they're on stage to see my legs they would he would play the guitar but he would cross his legs like this so I you know I would go home and pretend I'm in a band I would cross but I love that because it's like your fandom is what drove you to do that I love yeah uh here's the thing is is that you know I if I get more if I get bigger than I am I think I'm going to like become more weird it's contrived it doesn't matter like toured on my face for no reason you know it's forced you're not that weird yeah but people think he wants to give the perception and I do say that I'm quite everybody here likes you weird and cool too man I mean but you are cool you're a Birkenstocks guy and just admit just admit it yeah what you love Birkenstock I like that one pair of cuz that's camo on it okay my point is is that um me I mean but here's the thing though it's when people when I'm be myself people still go he's eccentric yeah like when I was you what I don't have an eccentric guy yeah for sure like even at the show somebody said you had some of the executives said that you were eccentric like oh why because you know we know how table reads go like everyone's there's no camera show yeah okay so the president of like the studio yeah yeah right they're all there everyone's there the cast everybody and what I do is do we at this room and I waited for everyone to sit down and I was the last guy to sit down and I would be there the first I'll be the first guy there you know I was just wait P I would just wait in the back and wait for be able to sit down and then I would sit when we started and people thought that that was being artsy and weird I think that you're for sure neurotic but I don't know if you need to add the twitches you know what I mean just for it's like that with the fingers yeah we start showing up like that the table reads are gonna be like anyway we can write this guy Luna know when Ellen was on MADtv it went because I don't know if you guys see where's the glue look a little round oh I know what you do you would you would pour it dry it and peel your hands yeah but I would do it at table rates and wait for the network what would they say I had three bottles of Elmer's glue and it would just drip him on my hands and do this and just let it dry and do my read like that yeah and they were just like this guy's crazy yeah but you loved it you should kind of feels like I know it feels like a compliment right yeah there's something in our heads it's like like my wife's always like you to me should we like what I laugh at [ __ ] it she's like you have mental problems I think you're a psycho and I think yeah when she says it sometimes other people say it they're like you really [ __ ] up and I'm like yeah I think it is gross that I force myself to do certain things especially to impress a girl no I do it even in public I'll do gibberish to pretend I don't know how to speak the language so date number six nothing and then how long till you like how long do you make him sweat it out he didn't really sweat it out I mean a couple weeks yeah yeah I think a couple weeks right yeah you're adults but I for sure thought in my head that I was gonna I do remember that you think I was gonna be like just hook up and done though oh you did you did like him I remember this hmm I remember when I saw her naked for the first time yeah just hear me out I won't hear you out and I I looked at her body and I looked up in the sky and I've verbally said thank God yeah that's so nice that's the biggest compliment I could give you baby but you thought that like your again played right you're like this is a [ __ ] spy she's gonna kill me or something no you know because believe it or not yeah you know I've been with some attractive women he saw you with a six-foot blonde that's right yeah come on but what's special about kalila is is that she you know with with with white chicks and stuff you know you have to that the Korean stuff you kind of have to hide it kind of ease them into it or even if they're they can't get like if you could bring over a Korean restaurant yeah what is that yeah like oh it's this nah I'm not gonna eat at guys are gross this [ __ ] right it'll eat the eyeballs of a [ __ ] fish if you'll take this chopped to pop up and eat the [ __ ] eyeballs yeah yeah first before you eating everything of it yeah she's very Asian yeah and like easy I don't know but I could take her to like a province mm-hmm right and we could be in the jungle and we're fine have you guys gone to play Philippines so you have yeah yeah and she are but his idea of a vacation is like an all-inclusive five-star hotel and that's not mine I like the province I like you know just you want to be a real experience yeah like I want to be where my family is I don't want to stay in a hotel when my family is I let me tell you guys something rice paddy something right now okay what's that bro when you think of vacation do you think of relaxation mm-hmm what do you think of adventure personally yes I'm a relaxation person hmm so am i yeah when I think of vacation I think of not moving that's how I am the best the best vacation that I can think of is a place called coma yeah being in a full-blown to a coma yeah if I was in a coma for two weeks and I woke up I was like that was beautiful yeah I'm with you dude I'm going back next year yeah I love it right she's Laura Croft that's not true yeah she's let's go to the tomb what tomb in the jungle oh so we can die why don't you just go somewhere that has your relaxation and then you go yeah but no she I have to go on I have to bring the backpack and I have to wake up at 5:00 in the morning and I have to be in the ocean with the sharks have her to be happy hell I took him shark diving without a cage just open in the ocean in the Philippine he loved it no in Hawaii foof and he did it Wow are you happy you did it like afterwards really this is awesome or were you like this [ __ ] song I'm happy I'm still alive with all my limbs friend yeah yeah okay that's what I'm happy wait that shit's not fun particularly fun when you're done yeah that's what I'm saying yeah it was exhilarating but that was great I love eating she went all I'm saying is that look if you stay in a hotel all day I'm running into the same people I was trying to get away from which is like the [ __ ] you know I don't like the feeling I like in a tocar NY Alea Hotel and Maui the papayas that the papaya arm sauna you know me I just did Maui last month would you cast a four seasons right by the Grand Wailea yeah yeah it was amazing though it's beautiful place [ __ ] beautiful right did you go to the steam room are you a spa guy I went three times now did did Christina make you do any adventures of course not too high but we are aligned with vacation approach it's in other words like we're both like let's not move but you knew this about me I know you're right tinder pictures were all in the ocean I am a diver I scuba dive I free diver swimmer for 15 years you know what you got bro oh my god you didn't deviate from your original self I didn't deviate either I've always been oh water cleaning do with the eyes you know what I do it but can I just say something I want to say this baby that um there's a lot of things I would have never done without you and I'm glad I did those things it's beautiful that's beautiful yeah what do we do a lot like dolphin swimming we haven't done dolphins we're not one time you made me swim out there and I got stung by a thousand jellyfish in the other Koreans like what do you think will happen next yeah what's your next boyfriend if we break up oh let me think about this I have basically dated every single race really but I haven't done a New Yorker Indian guy and I've been eyeballing them lately really like off the boat Indian don't know I knew you an Indian raised in New York oh I got you not an elevation parents let's say our Indian yeah raised in New York but not l'm not saying Aziz but like you know just another flavor kind of the East Coast yeah Indian go for it I've never done that I mean I'm not you know just I'm just throwing it out there yeah I mean I think ask me dude ask me you're back to white chicks I know she'll be real ask me okay Bobby what's next nothing you're done I really believe that well then I'm [ __ ] done - bro you asked me the question III I truly believe that without her I can't there's nothing yeah there's me there's no East Coast Indian - this would be the most amazing time for you to leave him I thought you were giving me an opening with that question I know I honestly believe if she something happened to her yeah or you know she laughed I honestly it would take me a decade I think you know we're fully attached at the hip I don't know you know it's not even that it's just that I just to get to know somebody again and to know they're horrible all the little things like lovey dovey kind of like show we find a couple yeah and I really like that I think previously I dated guys that were just really like mushy and sweet and they were nice people dependent but [ __ ] just like every text good morning sweet I just [ __ ] my vagina just turned to dust every morning you know like when we we have sex she just rolls over there's no there's no [ __ ] robot no but she just rolls over and just like dead eyes do I look at you know I look at you I look deeply into her eyes was disgusting no that's not yeah and I love it yeah you do love it yeah I'd have to get a towel or nothing yeah you know I mean y-you do like play dead like we do that we always put you know we play yeah yeah yeah that's one of our favorites actually fun or what you know what I do sometimes I'll like look at my hand yeah that's where all the jizz is when I can't when I jerked off got to pull out yeah I plug in my hand yeah and I just look at my hand like this and just to see if it's gonna fall and then when it does I changed my hand so it dripped you know man yeah yeah and then that little game smells like chlorine really you guys do like star-crossed lovers like your she's an Isis princess and you're like a US soldier we roll we roll play with her we have these characters she's Trish and I'm Bobby and like I'm at a bar and she's like just this piece-of-shit alcoholic that hangs out like a total scumbag yeah and then I'm this guy who she's like trying to hook up with I don't give a [ __ ] about her yeah her name wrong yeah yes I'll be like Pammy and she's like it's and as soon as I finish like as soon as the last bit is done yeah I go get out like that like I'll throw a pillow in her face and that's the best yeah she changed she does [ __ ] like you do dorm rooms I know we will have be having sex and then the sketch will start right so we're doing it in the show though hey teacher why you know I mean we don't did teacher we do dorm room and you're my he's my dad's business partner and he doesn't mean my dorm that's my favorite yeah I think another one we do incest stuff like my uncle and Thanksgiving that's pretty cute we don't do innocence then we should do for the dorm room or bestiality let's usually not a dog should lean in the room be like oh hey man I'm gonna set up my internet here [Laughter] saying that yeah yeah I'll help set you up and then you [ __ ] get on a computer yeah yeah oh I feel like I owe you know be like well you kind of [ __ ] do owe me yeah but holding maybe you can try East Coast Indians didn't know maybe it's cause Indian why don't you do it why don't you do what I want what the [ __ ] do you want um blind deaf blind and wait I can still talk right yep apparently yeah you got to deal with like a weird accent my heart now yeah yeah yeah tonight yeah and then when I once I go in what are you gonna say I thought you take are you turned on yeah I have a deaf nephew you do so I feel like that is actually kind of how we sounds on yeah if you ever act that that's the role you should have oh yeah awesome do we have a I did you know how it is how we end the pod cam okay let's do it unhelpful yeah tell them what it is first we do this thing we do this thing called unhelpful advice mhm and what it is is that somebody has an email question and we answer it okay you can be positive it can be not positive it doesn't matter I like it let's do it okay Owen helpful advice with Bobbi kalila and Tom Sagara like it I'm in my late 20s and have never had a girlfriend meeting women seems like an impossible task to me I tried online dating but I felt like I never stood out to any girls I was attracted to despite being slightly above average looking in real life I have no idea what to do I was very depressed a very depressed isolated teenager so I kind of missed out on normal relationship stuff now I'm getting near 30 and kind of feel unfuckable with my crappy job and lack of social prowess I've had sex only had sex once it was in a with an escort I felt bad about it and never did it again how do I get a girlfriend thanks max that's [ __ ] heavy max last week it was even heavier than that yeah we had a fourteen-year-old gay kid from Saudi Arabia who was in love but he might get decapitated if it ever got out yeah he didn't know what to do oh I hope you yeah no waiting for it no now with this kid um Lucy Max is always wet but it's about third almost there almost daily max I mean max I feel like you're my type of guy and I'm not I'm not being I'm not I really do truly believe that I believe that we are the same make makeup my whole life I always thought I'm never gonna get laid girls don't like me I'd go to you know I'd ask a girl out they'd say no I mean it was just like I would try to get girls drunk I would get everything in the book I couldn't get anything going okay and then me and my friends in my early 20s we came up with a thing and a philosophy or idea called the launching pad and the launching pad is this is you go out and you [ __ ] no matter how you either escorts I know she'll feel bad about it but that's I think the right path to just [ __ ] the [ __ ] so no hookers [ __ ] hookers you know me just you know [ __ ] girls that are way below you know me yeah yeah yeah and just just get in the routine of [ __ ] because I think what it is is is that when you don't have a lot of just listen to me listen I think ever I have the right idea well you don't when you sit there and go I'm not getting any [ __ ] I can't get any [ __ ] yeah it's basically you're now this group this idea of a woman and sex and all that stuff is so large that it is overwhelming but if you have it and you realize that it's just sex it doesn't mean you know me we don't you know you [ __ ] a girl and you're like wow was weird essentially you're basically saying you got to figure out a way to get some confidence yeah really what you're saying so it's like do it slow instead of shooting for the stars yes that woman's not attractive enough for me just if a woman shows any interest if you're getting any reciprocation what's the way yeah just take it for a ride man Allen Iverson says it's just practice it's pride no talking about practice right yeah will you wear a condom because you don't want to impregnate practice yeah no you get a baby from a parent and also dude you're probably and everyone like a lot of guys are guilty of this you know probably just trying way too hard you're putting too much thought into it I know sounds like I know you but you just seem to take like just look man you need to [ __ ] be yourself and whatever comes your way like Bobby said take a swing at it you know be don't be a [ __ ] derelict Pig about it but just be like be decent and and just you need a built you need to get some like rotations in there yeah yeah I knew a guy named Barry and Barret and Barry was a guy when I was a kid I you know I went to rehabs and Barry was this yeah Oh two three rehabs but there was this guy who he was Irish and he looked like a hobbit he was just this round sixty year old man with like orange a white hair and he was always red gleaming face look Santa and he was just so happy all the time and I got to know Barry and at the 8th at that age he was a virgin is that just you know I'm not gay I just you know they just don't like me yeah but he liked my check it out he goes I've completely completely let it go he's accepted if this is God's will then so be it but that's not the world for max I'm done I know and then I moved to LA and I went back to San Diego and Barry is married with a beautiful like 50 year old chick mm-hmm and I'm like any xyq a it happened and I'm like how he goes I don't know I just did yeah well my point though is is that there's no timeframe on it yeah you gotta exude that I don't give a [ __ ] like it more than you exude that desperation like when you go out with girls don't clean out your eyes like the way Bobby did you just leave the crust all up in there mmm you know like leave your car looking like a [ __ ] you know hoarders car put a pile of shoes in your living room ax yeah just be your absolute self there's yourself there who's just as you know if you think you're awful there's somebody there who's equally as awful who's gonna find you attractive yeah yeah I just don't feel bad I mean I wish max I was your friend so I could just see you're dating your day to day interactions with people and maybe I gave to give you hints I also have a perfect example of we have a friend who's insanely good-looking insanely good-looking guy but he has the max syndrome he just cannot open cannot close he's gay yeah he's a good job please like fashion else ocker Wolverine yeah not using his claws and he's always like girls though okay yeah he just no just doesn't know I've seen him in parties yeah there's no to do he's such a good like just hold some dude that it almost I think that girls don't get that feeling of wanting to like sexualized a minute oh yeah he's a good boy you know because there's something still dangerous about you Tom me yeah yeah yeah yeah there is a danger about you that I think every guy needs you luckily I think you know you're Steve Byrne right yeah is a nice guy yeah but there's still something his wife knows that there's a little danger in him right so there's still that little thing of like you know mystery yeah it's a mystery right you need that you can't be a sucker yeah you know you have to be and I I love kalila but if she leaves and you know I was lying I've made people to find somebody else yeah you will for sure you gonna leave no I'm just saying you would find somebody else tomorrow you're not alone you know a long griever like when things happen to you you your card he grieves he was really hard but very short yeah good quality yeah actually because you're processing it but you're not dwelling on it uh-huh but you know it would be a step well I mean I've said this before on this pond getting older as this kind of make me down I've said this on the podcast yeah this is that this this podcast is a direct result of this relationship sure the Eric Griffin and I have been trying to do a podcast for years we just never got around doing it and then when I met kalila she's like let's just do one but they're the pioneers him and his wife are the parents of like couple podcasting that you guys are like you know why [ __ ] you and your humility dude I don't know if we were I'm saying I don't know if we were it was like okay you know what that's a good example to go by and also I want to say champ that arm will you do our podcast yeah oh yeah not you I'm asking her but I also want to say that this is Europe art what what is your relationship with all things comedy no just I mean we're a collective you know you're oh you're part of the board I heard that yeah but that's just I mean the board that doesn't really means that like if they're making decisions they might who's in the board who's on the board yeah re yeah bill bill burr you Ari Shaffir Bert Kreischer how magical how magical and maybe somebody else that's the board yeah amazing he has a paranoia that somehow he's gonna get kicked off of all things comedy ends of the board you were telling us to re yeah why why would they kick you off I don't know I just don't trust boards there's something suspicious about it I've seen movies where there's a board in corporate but look here's my question let's say they're like tomorrow would you get the call and I go hey dude I couldn't say it on there but we're kicking you off what happens like why this is what let's do that phone call now okay go ahead hello hey Bobby it's Tom well what's up to your grade on the podcast last night dude thank you I had a great time okay hey I wanted to tell you something I couldn't say it's when we were doing the podcast yeah but I was talking to the guys on the board and you guys got it you gotta go we're gonna we're gonna take you off why I don't know we just kind of were thinking it over uh like we kind of like other people all right well can I just say though throw this out there yeah sure to you um I know what our numbers are yeah and then this is what I would say you want me real yeah it must be real I know what our numbers are okay and I know the numbers on all the other podcasts that you have yeah and we kill it we kill them okay all right yeah we do we [ __ ] do all right all right all right no no we [ __ ] do and also number number number two I got a turn we do let me say this okay let me choose that alright yeah Burt you Roget now Rogan I'll bill you guys are my friends yeah I know it's not here's the thing it's it's not personal ah it's here's the here's why uh-huh we just thought it would be fun to upset you oh all right all right all right well I'm upset and I'm glad you're having fun yeah um that's cool we'll go on on our merry way yeah by the way yeah we don't want you back okay all right all right I feel like you'd be so good at firing yeah yeah I'm actually well you know what Cabrini I could be good at in a pretend capacity okay but not if you really thought someone's livelihood was Auto but now we hang up right this is what happens all right now he's so Bobby know that one last thing yeah eat a pile of [ __ ] all right all right then we up the phone right yeah and it's a year of it's gonna be weirdness between me and you guys yeah for sure nobody no in this scenario these are your real paranoia's cuz I think I feel like a lot of his paranoids are so not based on any type or even like a bit of reality yeah it's always some absurd [ __ ] that would never happen but he believes it so strongly I know I'm delusional I want to go to your beard transplant yeah yeah or can I at least be there when you come out of it but you can't make fun of me I feel like you could be a good beard mentor you can row how about this we'll tape it yeah we'll tape it just to see if we can air it but if it's really funny we'll do it but you can come but you can't tell anybody until I said I give you the green light okay what if it grows all sorts of [ __ ] up you know how like you can put little piece on your eyelashes and it accidentally if you if you put it anywhere else in your body yeah it grows there too so people put on their eyebrows but their eyebrow goes the other direction right what if it grows like outwards like you know how his beard goes down what if it grows like your pubes okay I'm gonna say this and this is science science alone science alert this is what it is is you long ago my penis went straight yeah okay and through years of Leaning it to my last crumpled right it now it looks like the Eiffel Tower yeah okay the crumpled into a mound whatever Warren oh yeah yeah yeah that one tower pizza yeah so you lean to the left right okay do you like disease no no because I years of pulling that way it's leaned it you're always pulling it that way yeah I was little in it to the left okay and now how much of a lean it's not like you know like your face absolutely and noticeable it's noticeable it's know something yeah yeah I'm what I'm to the left I'm like yeah there we go alright so one point is is that if my beard went a weird way I would just try not to go the other way is my point okay do your time I hooked up with a guy who was so straight downward like a curve down it really freaked me out I mean I'm like that's just looking at me it was a straight up hook I'm like I don't know how it's gonna end from Midway correct yeah very down I mean that's just odd a Dominican guy very big - yeah just like hook down where I didn't know what to do with it I gotta go home do you guys talk about it at all I think that he probably saw that I just it's gotta be something he runs into all the time people are like are their penises where the head is so small that you doesn't even look like a head I'm like you mean they just up to a point yeah I don't know like a like would you like if I thought my dick my dick was like that what would you do like it look like an arrow I've been with someone with a micropenis line I swear to god I and I blew him to completion yeah and it was like all those guns with a little liquid and I promise we couldn't have sex because he had a micropenis oh I just blew him and I really liked him I honestly was genuinely in love with him give you a big like warning like in other words was there well just but day of he's just like there it is yeah but I think he you guys I'm telling you that I could jerk him off like this Wow one finger this is not an exaggeration what's mine my three fingers no you're actually the average size thank you thank you that's out there this Dominican the biggest then yeah but it doesn't even count if you can't measure it with a ruler yeah I know it's like how you got to use them like a soft measure right like a measuring yeah like when you the tailor use it yeah folks are taking pretty good no it's totally average totally yeah yeah and totally a grower like it's pathetic if it's really oh no I actually like you know I go to the gym and work out whenever I work out it retracts yeah you know yeah oh yeah after a workout yeah I have to like pull it out oh that's terrible something it's just but it mean like when it's when it's performance time it gets to just normal I was like but you know I never even get jealous of like you know yeah you always fantasize like I wish I had but I'd rather have would you rather have a shitty looking card that it works or a really nice looking car but doesn't work oh yeah of course what would you like no I definitely was something that works more is that way really yeah I would just hang outside my driveway with a nice car what is what if this was your deck right here oh my god yeah sure f m7 things we'd be dating I hate big dicks I hate like super big dicks I think they're awful okay let's say it's a little bit smaller it doesn't because it's like I've never been a guy - that's not why women date me but you never had those fit I mean everyone has this no they don't teenage no I have to win them over through enchanting them yeah with my you know wizardry mm-hmm you know I was bad at like all that stuff is that I hated putting forth a big effort so my whole thing when I was dating would be like you know I would put forth some effort yeah and if I like it wasn't reciprocated I was like there's no way I'm gonna put more energy not happening yeah that's a good philosophy they're really good philosophy I would have my friends would try so hard and they would have more success but they're [ __ ] themselves they're long putting so much energy into it yeah but also you're studying a [ __ ] standard for how your life is gonna be for the next few years will you go on the road and you meet a girl and she's like we're gonna go to this bar so then you did two shows or like I'll go oh my god you go to the other bar and they're like we have this after party and there was a time when I would do all those things yeah and at 4:00 in the morning I'm beat I did radio that morning and no [ __ ] write the words but then one day I just woke up said no it's got to be hit to me mm-hmm I'll grab it if it hits to me yeah if I'm not chasing the ball that's the that was my philosophy yeah but there was a long time where I would chase the ball yeah and I'm sure it's exciting to a point right I a couple one time in Florida I chased the ball to the end the TAM sticks in the more Campa when you double dip yeah double dip yeah double double dip he just had he double booked I bought double booked one night and I that one what but but the one of them the night before I waited till 6:00 in the morning I went to her house in the suburbs right and I laid next to her and I'm like not gonna what this is a right and it happened it did happen yeah put anyway um I got to go to a spot but um but no I'm gonna say this though this is that we're all huge fans of yours thanks buddy and you guys are very nice and I honestly hopefully that I can be friends with you forever I would love to be friends with you forever okay I want you guys to come to our podcast for real nothing I really hope you wouldn't that be wonderful and let us now I want to go to the beard transplant and also maybe Korean barbeque that okay yeah so give Tom Segura run a bluff thanks I don't know I guess stuff anyway no it's good like your stuff oh yeah yeah I have some dates at Tom Segura calm the podcast is your mom's house and if you have Netflix a new special was called disgraceful so please check it out that's it all right Tiger belly a Twitter at the tiger belly Instagram at Tiger belly and send us packages - I'm 16 26 North Wilcox number 161 Hollywood California 9 0 0 through 8 all right thanks so much for listen [Music] you

Channel: TigerBelly

Views: 1,361,554

Rating: 4.8712358 out of 5

Keywords: tiger belly, tigerbelly, bobby lee, khalyla, gilbert galon, podcast, khalyla kuhn, tgrbly, Tom Segura, your mom's house, your moms house, Your Mom's House Podcast - Ep. 433 w/ Bill Burr, YMH, christina pazsitzky, christina p, comedian, comics, stand up comedy, NETFLIX, disgraceful, special

Id: eWj7H5AvfxQ

Length: 78min 50sec (4730 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 01 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Thedeadlypocketbrush]

This episode was great, it was just like the gays. I kept thinking the whole time that, yeah, I would date my mom, but I'd rather be retarded. I also really liked how the water champ took down two whole bottles, no Yorkie sips. After watching I have to say, I had a real hankering for some moose soup, but the machines within made me stop and think about all the glorious cum hugs I might miss out on if I ate too much. Anyway, hey Hitler! Oh and if there are any black guys out there looking for a place to live, you can move in, rent free, but ya gotta fuck me. You can piss on me, spit on me, hit me TRY IT OUT, but ya gotta fuck me. Keep your jeans high and tight mommies. Jeans U-Nit! ...oh and fuck Gilbert for not showing up when the main mommy is in the house. How disrespectful!!??!! He was really acting like someone who rides the ferris wheel with his grand dad and willingly let's him jack him off for a treat afterwards.

[u/Heygurl619]

Tom is a good guy. waiting for bobby with the limo.