Bert Kreischer, Circle Thinking and The Lemon Tree | TigerBelly 237

[Music] [Music] well here's the thing though okay don't say anything your name okay okay okay I know you're gonna go on a rant so let me just see your name first okay all right yep five four we're starting now do you want is a cameras on everything's been on everything's on you ready guys foreign man he looks in the library yeah I've been there dick smells like truffle oil for some reason Wow black truffles you know fry you for France Spain whatever espana fun yelling yeah okay go ahead five four three two we go together like Shamma Lamma nama damn in a dingy dong depth again remember the grease yep from where the grease at the end when they were freaking everyone out at the end when they're celebrating at the [ __ ] amusement park or whatever I mean they're all friends already yeah they're friends and then they start singing Oh something just came out of my mouth was a tooth like a tooth fell out it's alright it's not - no wait so at the end degrees in degrees okay so the end degrees give me a head start from the top you guys stop from the top five four go together ding anything it down so at the end of grease so you as an ethnic person when you're watching Greece and the white people start speaking in tongues that's what it is speaking in tongues when they come on let me write this doesn't make any sense I googled it and and you're watching it and you know you're in the theater as a kid and people are like singing along and like dancing and you just get scared mm-hmm is it that minority you get real scared with white people when they start doing stuff like that you know when I went to a church that wants to my I don't know how to go [ __ ] when I went to a church once my friend I had a [ __ ] redheaded roommate who was a Christian I would tell you about him who I forgot his Aaron is his name let a redhead redhead dudes named Aaron in life if you don't know FYI you know but he took me to a church his church and they started speaking in tongues and I ran out of the [ __ ] Church it scares the [ __ ] out of me bro you should have started singing Greece oh maybe that's why you're so bright do they learn you learned that in second city do you have to me yes yes and bro hey guys I'm gonna start over again do it so um I want to say welcome to the podcast I have George and the cake love you man you're a good guy you look handsome today man earlier did I say earlier what'd I say what's your name andreas Andres what'd I say that look he looked good right yeah we got [ __ ] you Mozart in the jungle over here composer oh he's got [ __ ] what's that [ __ ] that the paint at the painter that was on that seven you know that the word Bob Ross he has Bob Ross his sweater on yeah that's good I have my beautiful girlfriend here I woke up a little um not in a good spirit feisty and I apologize because I miss my therapy I slept in oh there's a whole thing we got flat face flat what uh love your sister Gabby I know that but I love you too as well thank you congratulations thank you I want to introduce our guests you know he calls me wasn't he doesn't call me this guy Adam calls me and goes hey can you do Burt's Burt's Netflix show you know and obviously I'm gonna go [ __ ] ya you know I mean not because of Netflix but because of this next man he's doughy he's a forest person and I'll tell you this little thing you know we saw each other's bodies that that day when I worked with him I saw his [ __ ] the [ __ ] ala fresca fresh I'll write off the market right I saw his [ __ ] the whole I saw the taint I saw his sacks both both sacks I saw his dick mmm and I saw all the hairs and the surrounding areas that have been growing it's a lot lot it was like um cos oh [ __ ] man you know you see a Picasso painting you're like what the [ __ ] is that what you it's like abstract [ __ ] you know I mean Basquiat [ __ ] his dick is gigantic it's like human perfection in fact I've only seen dicks maybe a thousand two thousand three thousand times five thousand times you know alive he didn't photographs millions of times because I'm a [ __ ] scientist you know I mean but I've seen many dicks I've seen daliyah's dick I've seen Santino's dick Pauly Shores dick but this guy's dick man perfection dude and I want to give him what he is promoting something and that's why he's here Burt Christ okay off with the tooth so my Nana's ninety nine and she's you know still there she's still there yeah we're walking out you know the tables use oh and it just came literally watching the wheels well you don't go to the dentistry left yeah alright let's go to the lemons people don't know about the lemons no I'm promoting my Netflix special hey big boy streaming currently on Netflix hey big boy check it out Netflix hey big boy 50 Cent's still stole a joke from me already did he really yeah it was weird I can't say that I can't say that because obviously we're recording this but I they released my trailer for my special and one of the jokes in it I say my same oh I have one my wife will have sex with me when I'm sick I'll definitely [ __ ] her was she sick I don't care she's like I don't wanna get you sick I was like we're practice safe sex sick you're an Americano my was like no doggy style so you coffin to the wall and then $0.50 memed that today and send it out facing each other probably save sex doggy style and everyone started hitting me up now here's why i don't hear it now here's what this will parlay into lemons okay okay all right they're like call him out call him out I'm not gonna call him out because I would assume first that I am just not original as opposed to 50 cent took the time to meme out and steal a joke for me does that make sense is a little bit conspicuous it's a little weird but but I go you know what just shut your mouth you know I always hated those young comics they're like dude you sit in the back of the room they'd be like [ __ ] Chris Rock stole my joke you like something called linear thinking yeah parallel thinking whatever please don't ever crack me on my show again yes parallel thinking and so I don't I don't what's daddy different parallel polar opposites actually it's not even in the same you can you compare oh they're not opposites of each other cooler thinking OCD I definitely have circular thinking I have OCD - you touch things core virus hasn't been good for OCD I'll tell you that right now oh wait a second this guy with OCD is none afraid of coronavirus he's never licked his hands more in his life I was like a [ __ ] cat I just lick my paws all day [ __ ] I don't give a [ __ ] I do miss nothing but the Corona Corona okay [Music] okay it's not a PSA do not listen to Bobby Lee about the corona how many people are armed have corona virus over are you trying to charge Anna a hundred seventy-five thousand or something okay let's just say I don't think that's the truth that seems like a stretch I feel like I would Chyna out themselves in that way they would be under even if it was seventy five thousand all right even if it was on all right let me say even if something is is that on how many Chinese are there billions right yeah right it's like going to a beach in going there's one grain of sand on this Beach yeah it has coronavirus and you don't understand why why a flu season exists then it's not that kovat itself is gonna wipe the face of the earth it's just that it's gonna inundated system and cause it to crash and we're not prepared in any capacity in the United States at least for a pandemic like that because we don't have enough ICU beds to accommodate a a massive amount of severely ill people especially if they need to be intubated it's just gonna crash us it's not gonna kill all of us every time I call you like rush your head he's smarter about it everyone else is like it's not that bad it's not that bad I was at I was at the Rangers game and they wanted to put me on the big screen and have me chug a beer yeah and so they come over and they're like hey Burt if we they're gonna put you in the picture we took a beer us I gotta have a beer and everyone's like oh hey everyone around pour your beers into a cup okay sure we want to do that guys oh we have a pandemic going on there like that I know everyone's like airport look I killed like nine different beers into one cup everyone I was like okay I definitely got it but I didn't get it so this one's pre-work this podcast a pre-recorded what if like then when this comes out 90% of the planet is dead whatever it's impossible because cause there's gonna be at some point it's gonna level out when 50% of the population gains immunity right so that's when it becomes technically an endemic which is it goes from epidemic to a pandemic with unlike h1n1 it will become part of our regular flu season but it does not mean that we are prepared for it how do you how are you so smart I have the data Dumber girl no [ __ ] I've never seen someone speak more eloquently about this on the news she's so sexy when she goes know it first becomes an epidemic then a pandemic and then an endemic the question isn't necessary because here's my wife sounds dumb as [ __ ] now it's because I live with a living breathing petri dish like he just is gonna kill this entire family it's crazy yeah that's crazy talk but anyway let's go to the lemon story first and then he can do it so tell me about the neighborhood okay so I have a neighbor a couple a couple houses down we walk past it with my friend Shane D and it has I'd say maybe three thousand lemons fully ripe ready for ready to be picked so my friend Shane he's like oh let's knock on his door and ask him for some lemons which i think is a reasonable thing to do do it is the reasonable thing very neighborly we have a fig tree that grows into an alley and and homeless people harvest our figs that grow into the alley okay and they like take all the figs and so when you go to take figs you look oh we've got more on the other side and the other side is empty yeah okay keep going circle thinking circle thinking circle thinking guys she politely knocks on his door and says excuse me sir can I have some of your lemons and he says first actually he waits 20 seconds and he's not sure if he even wants to give us one lemon and then he says yeah you can have two this was months ago right within everything now is dead and rotten he has not picked a single [ __ ] lemon from his own tree and he didn't want to give us any more than two that's it that that is [ __ ] up when you hear on paper now you ready what so no way to argue that but this is theirs are you I can but what I can do is I can empathize whatever this is and I wonder if people will hear this that way so we have um we have a big party one night and and for whatever reason no one drank beer and so we had a whole igloo freezer cooler full of beer and where it was placed it was it had a towel over it no one saw it and switz at there forever so then all of a sudden one day I go oh [ __ ] this I open it and all the water smells like [ __ ] and all the beers labels are faded and so I take out all the beers and then I go I'm gonna throw him away I don't know what stringing these [ __ ] beers I put him in the alley put him in the alley and I no sooner leave my house to go to Starbucks and I start walking by the alley and I see a homeless guy grabbing my beers and my immediate instinct was hey they'll take my [ __ ] beers I didn't want them I didn't want them put in the alley for someone to take and as he was taking him I was like oh my instinct was don't take my beers you did I didn't want to see it that mean yes like I didn't want to see them I would be I our neighbor has lemon tree and I always I always say to him hey George you mind if I grab a lemon by the way I've literally described my where I live to a tea if you looking for a lemon tree of Starbucks in an alley here and a half-full fig tree and have a fig tree you're like I always ask him if I can have his lemons I would never take lemon without him asking without asking him but he says take all the lemons cuz it lemon trees have tons of [ __ ] lemons well he always says take the lemons and that's where I grab to for you guys well thank you tell them what I do at a restaurant if I pay so if he pays less I'm taking out some people let's say you ordered a $65 steak tastes delicious you only eat half you want to take some home to your kids and I'm paying for it if he's paying for it you're not allowed to take anything what is wrapped up and then Bobby just goes yeah one box no I leave I don't even take it in fact I've done this before I leave it on the table I know one can take it I've taken the box I've secretly packed it in a box and he's done this to a sandwich of mine looked at it smashed my sandwich so it's now all over the place and then you pay for the deal you can take it home do whatever you want with that is so brilliant thank you so much I loved I pay for a lot of meals yeah and there is a point like where it's like I was with some friends the other day and they were like we were getting we were leaving and they were sitting at a different table than we were like we had to do you have two tables and so we had two different bills and I got up I was one of the bathroom and they looked at me in there like hey do you wanna like grab this and I was like oh yeah y'all grab it and I was like then I was like looking at all the food on the table and I was like I just I didn't even I didn't even share the conversation enjoy I would do that harpy let me ask you a question if you're eating this is a problem of mine if you last night okay I went to a place and I met a couple of people all right let's go eat I know that some of these people have no money mm-hmm but I want to eat great place yes right but I know that they don't have any money so when I tell them I want to go here you can feel them go you know I mean yeah right so I always pay oh right I have not what do you do in that situation I took my tour bus driver and my tour manager this is not this tour but the previous one we were in Club so hyoe for the night and I said hey let's go out to eat and they were like okay so I took him to Smith and Wollensky is really nice restaurant and the tour bus drivers like just looking at the menu and he's well these are these prices are out of my price I go I'm paying and he goes looks at me he goes you're playing well then he goes hey one time ray eating breakfast he goes I'm I ask you a question feel free to say no and I went the answer is no I go I'll tell you what don't answer the question don't ask where's I'm gonna my if you're thinking I'm gonna say no I'm gonna probably say no and he goes well I wouldn't run it by you and I said don't don't try me just know that the answer is no and he goes I was wondering if we could bring my wife on tour and I was like are you [ __ ] kidding me you want your wife to be on the tour bus living with us you one time he says I was wondering when you're in Boston you got two shows there two nights before shows there you got two nights yeah I was wondering I could just take off and go home early you get a hotel I was like yeah no I've already paid for my hotel it's the tour bus yeah I'm not gonna pay for that and then up it was the most I hate people like that I said okay so there's two types of people people who are so afraid to impose and people who just shoot their shot oh I wish I could shoot my shot I am so afraid to impose yeah I'm afraid to ask for anything yeah me too oh I hate asking for money I hate asking for help of any kind but sometimes you have to when you're up against the wall you know who shoots her shot little Amy Schumer boy she shoots her [ __ ] shot yeah no she just Jesus direct affront tells you what she needs yeah you know Scientologists are like that too every day they shot you know one of the things is being clear that's what they say so when they say so I had a girlfriend I was a Scientologist and she goes let me be clear with you you see their eyes you see the alien like that let me be clear with your right and then you and then they're about to say some like real on a [ __ ] I cannot I cannot do that at all really bad Scientology but okay but then there's a third type of person who kind of does a zigzag on their way to making their point or asking me to like the Sidewinders flip-flop yeah I don't I'm very indirect I'm very like I have so many problems like I thought if I'm uncomfortable like like there are times where I'll start saying something in my brain to go stop talking this is a lie why are you telling them that you just wanna say what they want to hear yeah I use like oh you're just you're just giving gossip you know this was a secret US personnel why are you telling this person if I'm so bad if I owed you let's say 15 years ago okay you gave me you loaned me three thousand dollars right okay and then you know I'm doing okay now in life right but I never brought it up would you ever say anything I had a friend asked me for four thousand dollars very recently and he was like don't tell your wife and I was like I'm [ __ ] I've already told her you talking about and so then my wife's like what are you gonna do and I said I'm gonna give him the money and then I'm gonna hate him the money hate him and then tell everyone he asked give him six and tell him to get the [ __ ] away from ya but like I am such about / if you still a joke for me I just talk upon your back yeah by the way that's why I've got no place now a joke writing for me I try to put such a [ __ ] fingerprint on it so that like even a stupid [ __ ] doggy style joke coffin to the wall yes I immediately I go that's my fault that's not good enough joke that's my fault anyone can take your joke you're not working I swear my brain is but man if if but you can I say something real quick about that is is that I stopped worrying about stuff like that because the thing is is that it's still not you telling it right so no matter what you write people aren't [ __ ] going to a Brookhiser show because if [ __ ] your joke yeah yeah I mean you're a great joke writer and you have great jokes I think I told his stories and I think it's a bit your dare [ __ ] going for you Marc Maron said to me we were talking he said he's like you know I wonder sometimes why more people don't come out to see me he's like me and you during the same venue in Orlando you're doing four shows there I'm doing one I wonder why because he's like you know not not being mean but he's like we're both very talented stand-ups but why is it that more fuel comes to you then comes to me and I was like I have no idea and he goes I think it's because when they leave your show they go that was a great time yeah I would like to do that again I said what did they say with a thieve your show yours Wow that was heavy yeah and I think I I actually it was a really insightful thing and I I went into like this weekend I just got off of I wanted this weekend going yeah don't don't ever think it it doesn't no one's in there going like god dammit he's the spokesman the voice of our generation no one's saying that people are like alright I'm gonna I'm gonna laugh pretty hard a few of these jokes he's gonna rip your shirt off we're gonna go to a bar afterwards it should be a good time see that's exactly how I perform I get I get naked at the end of my show you are one against entertaining human beings in the world you are like human [ __ ] Prozac you're special thank you cuz you're special will be a special ice I clear the room I will not watch it with anyone else I'll get a six-pack of beer I'll put it on ice on crack it and go alright let's do this yeah I can't wait working on it burn are you doing it with all things comedy yeah I'm gonna do one thing I know I think they told me what you guys are doing I think it's gonna be [ __ ] amazing I think it's great too and I'm really good working 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take off no not always go you're going fun you know me and then they take off but then when I'm on stage I'm thinking about them the whole time I'm getting loud I'm like wow yeah I worked I was getting ready to a special and I worked with a person I won't say anything won't say anything this is by the way this is I mean this is and I worked with a person and I and I got off stage Thursday also sold out right great room great room Portland ilium I like that yeah Thursday and I go to the room I'm like where's dr. doc they're like oh they went home I went oh so I texted him I said are you feeling sick they said no just getting to bed early I went cool Friday to shows after the first show they're not home they went for a walk like I don't they got offstage and went for a walk show back up for the second show and I was like hey you can hang out tonight and they're like now probably not and I went okay Saturday comes around and I'm [ __ ] fuming I'm yukia and I say hey just so you know you're not that funny [Laughter] they came out still that's what I said I didn't bring you here because I think you're brilliant I didn't you're not here because you're funny at all you're here because I need someone to be around I can't be by myself Wow around and now I'm now I'm stuck I would rather do a one-man show if you're not gonna be here yeah and and that person was like oh okay well I can hang out tonight and I was like yeah oh no no you can't you're going to hang out tonight yes it of that bar you gonna drink I don't care if you're in [ __ ] rehab you're gonna and they're gonna tell me how great my show was you're watching my whole show Wow I was like what the [ __ ] yeah and when I was when I was coming up dude it was so [ __ ] different I would I've opened for J Moore and I would sit back and watch Jays entire set I watched every I could recite J Moore set verbatim I knew if I can't if there was a tag I'd run in I tell him at a guy came up joke ideas that was I was I was part of the JJ Train it was I my job was it to go in and murder I mean and and J never made it like clear like hey man you know I didn't just bring you here to murder yeah like and I was murdering at those shows I mean it was sold out yeah [ __ ] tits to tits and you could destroy it was such a good comedy crowd and my job was not that was it was what does anyone do after like and I he didn't he didn't say it I just knew I'm here for him I'm not here to just murder yes let me tell you something when you were got me real emotional just now man let me say something to you my friend okay I've opened for many people as well back in the 90s Paulie Carlos Mencia you can say what you want about him but I did it yeah no and I every moment of it you appreciate oh I carried the golf bags I would go up I would go to min CEA's house early when we're flying out to pick up his merge and go to the airport and do that I would watch all the shows I would hang out after the show right do you know why because it's number one it's I'm it's all it's an honor it's a [ __ ] honor number two I'm a learning and number three what was I doing before I was like waiting tables and whether this is what an opportunity dude these kids now [ __ ] oh oh my god these kissing there's no gratitude bro it's like they don't they don't thank you right did they sit there they're like they have attitudes right yeah how was the week I was sold out shows did you have fun yeah that's all right [ __ ] you man I'm saying is that you know it's um it's a difficult business to go into yeah right and you are the same as I write we bring young people right and we want to give them opportunity that's what it is is opportunity you know I took Nicole Aimee Schreiber to the Schomburg improv sold on every show and um that's a good weekend and the managers came up to Nicole and goes hey you're really funny can you we would like to headline you on off nights and she was super grateful right and that's what it's all about what the opportunity that is given to you I had a guy open for me in New York I'll say his name I'll see his name what's his name Freddy Lockhart you know him yeah yeah you're not gonna believe this cuz I think he loved our Facebook page he does he's a great guy Freddy you're a great great great comic great work on facing you you [ __ ] up one time and I'm about to share that all right you [ __ ] up one time about to share it alright and I love you your diverse you have you have yeah you're physically funny and you're anomaly and I love it okay but this [ __ ] this so it was a patty with a Caroline's and he's featuring and he has a pretty and as we're crossing each other he looks at her he goes follow that as if you know me he's trying to bury you right Wow I know Freddie what's a-happening hot I know when I'm my point is where the majority of comedic devices are just be gay he's like take a banana [Music] sorry go back to Freddie no but my point is is that but that was but the generation I grew up with it is it's just about respect and I don't know these kids today I don't know what happened you know what it's it's it's there is an entitlement I think I I've noticed it I I I have that this is gonna come off horribly wrong I have a hard time working having women open for me because I can't tell them what to do the way I do a man like I can't go hey we're going back to my room to drink I can't do that I wrote I worked with I worked with Jessica Michelle singles in and I it was so uncomfortable and she'll say this it was so awkward because I got back to we were in Cleveland at hilarities and then we got back she had a great time where we're having a great time at the bar we get back to the town I'm not done yet and I said listen I don't know how to do this properly but I I'm not done and I need you as a comic to I want to hang out and talk comedy I want to [ __ ] on a gossip on a drink but I'm also a man and I can't just invite you to my room I don't know how to do this this is really awkward I don't want you to feel pressured I want you to be able to she's like just let's just go to your room and I was like okay but I need you to know like yeah so uncomfortable it's very funny young lady very funny but it loved her but because of my lifestyle it makes it difficult for me to work with women because I I'll take him like I worked with Taylor Tomlinson for a long time and Taylor would say that was great she would hang out watch a show at the end of every night she had punch ups for your jokes or hey this what you did this by these jokes not working you should open with this joke she was amazing a bright girl but only eight but she didn't drink and she didn't and she was single at the time and so she didn't she didn't [ __ ] around she wasn't like a [ __ ] and so one night one night I said I'm gonna make you go out with me tonight like you're gonna hang out with me we're doing this yeah man she never even took her backpack off she was in this bar like yeah can you release me now yeah but yeah I with guys I can just tell them what to do I [ __ ] I and there's part of my sensibility is like very like I love meeting the guys on the bus I love it yeah me too can we talk about it I I don't get in trouble because she's you know she get in trouble for it all the time yeah but you know I listen it's not gay it's not sexual assault right when I you know you know just like to hug for extra long time oh yeah and they'll be like burning you up and I'll be naked and I'll just hit the door in the door opens like Star Trek's [Laughter] but I think they have to complain for it to be an official me too so I think we're good why and I told them if they complain they get fired and I ruin their careers I'll talk behind their back for someone like me that would be a perk of the job others that would be you know something totally me - yeah I think I know the guys one of them's my cousin so yeah my I don't has so weird I don't think of like nudity the way I guess some people do and they're all dudes they're all Bros you're not a creep you do it to have a silly time is it because you are not because when you are like when we I did your Netflix channel right you and you got naked and I just completely took my clothes off and just laid next to you what is that about us that we do what is it so we need help it's a part of my personality it's like Darnell does not like oh my god he was so uncomfortable that of all days and that makes it don't touch much funnier to me when someone is uncomfortable with you yeah it makes it like when there's a guy's like I'll come on man don't do that [ __ ] you're like I'll be doing I don't know yeah Donald was not come from he was not he was he had fun time doing it but there was times even and privately he would just go yo man don't touch me yeah I mean it's like what can happen when you people don't even know what happened but it was I mean dude when you were putting that enema of my [ __ ] alright so can we talk about a little bit yeah yeah yeah right no it's so they go this show by the way this show I'm shocked that we didn't get shut down I can't believe I said to one of the girls at one point one of my camera ops her assistant camera officers a woman I'm naked in a bedroom I'm laying on that we were doing shots of me waking up and I was just different shots of me naked laying around the bedroom and I'm just totally naked laying around the bedroom in different positions ass in the air you know til a glass of wine and and I one point I said today did you know there would be this much nudity on the show when you signed up she goes very serious cuz they told me this was comedians in cars getting coffee I don't know she goes I had no plan yeah and I was like wow she goes I mean at one point when it was you and Bobby I just was like I guess I she goes I was trying to keep my eyes away from it she goes but wouldn't was came to you and Bobby I I had a look there was yeah look it was everywhere I'm imagine me naked burnt naked outside outside heat Nitin Bert is on his on his like a doggie right on his horse right and over completely naked I have an enema tube filled with coffee and I had to stick it in Bert's [ __ ] Yeah right yeah I stick it in his [ __ ] and he shits it back out in my face coffee enema yeah the coffee no no no the coffee enema no the coffee enema deflect Southfield oh you poor Darnell poured it in Bobby's getting ready to sing into my ass but he's talking to Darnell and he doesn't know that the valve is open and as he's talking about now Donnell the coffee starts squirting out of his hand Bobby sees it on his hand and thinks I'm [ __ ] gets it on me I'm on a regular enema yeah it was so weird I've never had a man put anything in my [ __ ] before Bobby put it in my [ __ ] first time yeah and then left it there it was standing there by itself yeah and then and then I filled it up and then all of a sudden shot out and I shot all over Bobby hey yeah you had a fun time that was nothing compared to how this episode ends the episode ends with the [ __ ] the hardest I've ever laughed any video ever in mine oh you saw it oh I've seen it look at it dude it is so [ __ ] funny it is I saw the dailies yeah it is so [ __ ] funny cuz Donnell was like kind of like nah bro no no no kid no son no son I don't do that gay [ __ ] son we broke so many that's the episode where I said to Netflix they I said hey just are you gonna air all this they're like yeah and I said are you ready for the backlash because like there's a point where we're doing screen therapy and Bobby me and Donnell are on our backs and Bobby and Donnell just lost their dads and they're talking about the frustrations of having the dad's trying and that's how it's like it so so real therapy where you screaming to get your frustrations you childhood out and they're having a hard time connecting with the screen therapy for their fathers and Darnell says why don't I just play your dad Bobby I'll try come on and so he saw Bobby son I think that's racist and Bobby goes I'll do your dad I am crying laughing oh we had a great time it was it was the great the episode starts with I was getting a painting a painting commissioned of me my wife has always wanted a picture of me on a bearskin rug like brutes like like Burt Reynolds yeah and so I got a I was getting a painting commissioned and so the guy so I was Donna walks in and I'm naked holding my junk on a bearskin rug and then Bobby walks in and just takes off all his clothes and we post a picture bobby posted it to his Instagram I posted it I got taken down off remind didn't nurse didn't I honestly think that there is some sort of like persecution thing going on with white dudes I thought it was the opposite no no because you and I posted art no I posted I know me kissing Andrew Santino's dick got yanked do you think it's because of Santino not you yes yes really yeah by the way since you know has a hog oh my god beautiful wondering where all his confidence comes from dick cuz he's super red Yeah right like ugly as [ __ ] I mean like where do they say oh you walked through such a swagger and I was like usually redheads are come in hot and angry and like bill burr but since tina's got this swag on it and then I suppose dick and I went oh that's what it is yes big dick one sack - by the way what you saw God so when I posted that photo with you and i naked on that our thing we posted together yours got yanked in immediately and then I got shadow am I still on there so I'm wondering what is what is going on here a couple a couple months ago we talked about how yours kept getting taken down and then steve-o would post something similar in his not get taken down so we came up with a conspiracy that they were against Asians but now you're flipping the narrative ripped it I think times have changed in like six months it's been it's a tough it's a tough time to be a white guy I'm not gonna lie to you I mean I'm not gonna trade it roll the dice on thumbnails upgraded George Bush I bribed George Bush probably had the best run of being white ever let's rank let's rank let's rank white guys that killed it with their privilege like that really leaned in and murdered it with their pelipper Chris D'Elia earned every second he's a talented guy Bush is a big one it's hard to beat George Bush cuz he really kind of was a simple man like he owned the Ranger yeah cuz of Pappy you know it's [ __ ] insane yeah I mean he was like he got jobs just cuz it's dead like he's just walking hey hey guys I'll take that you want I'll take a good white privilege story mmm so this is some George Bush [ __ ] I was in college and I had a job working I used to drive girls around at night safe that's what it's called so like girls would call and I'd either walk him from building the building at night or I'd take a car and I'd pick him up and drive him and so it's so funny I ran into this appointment I ran into this woman the black woman always called they always wanted the car they never want to [ __ ] walk they're always like yeah I've sent the car and you're like well it's a short one send the car anyway and they hang up so I always I drove I probably drove every single black woman in Florida State somewhere at some point in my life I ran into a black woman weekend whose husband plays professional football and they both went for to seye at the same time I did and I went you weren't you wouldn't floor stay and I said well what what dorm did you live in and she tells me and I go do you ever takes a pass court she goes oh hell yeah I go that was me she went Wow she goes oh did you drive the car I was like yeah she goes we used to take that to FAMU and I was like I drove you to those parties and picked you up from the law anyway that's why privet story this is my party my tops I mean I the safe escort shuts down for a semester and I need a job despite what everyone thinks I've always worked but not really like worked work safehouse before so my dad says I can get you a job I get you an interview at a law firm it's a big law firm right on Tennessee store on Monroe Street go up there take do an interview so I go up there and I sit with one of the guys and he just talked about my dad talks about my dad's business Wow and then I go and he goes great you're hired doesn't ask me anything I go really and I go yeah so I show up the next day to work and go hey I'm here to work and they're like yeah I'll go sit in the copy room and so I sit in the copy room and I'm sitting there and no one's telling me are there other big kids that work there and I go is anyone know what I should be doing and they're like I know okay why don't you go ask the guy that hired you what you're doing and so I go back and I knocked on his he's like one of the partners and not a thing I said you know mister whatever her name is um I know it's really giving me any direction of what to do when he goes yeah we don't have a job for you so just hang out so I was like okay so I just didn't do anything I just hired to hang out uh for probably like probably all the until I left college you sat there I thought well no you know what so then so then one of the older partners comes in one day and I'm sitting in the in the copy room and he goes hey what are you doing and I said nothing and he goes what do we hire you to do I said I don't know and he goes okay you're mine here's I want you to make sure that pot of coffee is filled with fresh coffee every day and when I pull in I'm gonna call the secretary they're gonna have you run in I want you to park my car for me and I'll and I can walk into the front cuz if the parking was down here I'll walk so all I did for real was make coffee and then this guy had like a yellow lemon Cadillac and they'd call and they'd go mister watching cars pulling up he had also had a emphysema and so I'd come out I I bring his tank to him he put his tank on he'd walk into his office I'd get in there was a tank in his car I'd take a little hit drive his car down well I did nothing for that [ __ ] law so different than my job when I was 15 I worked at Le fitness and they had not only did I have to do everything from new memberships to passing out flyers but at the end of my shift the older general manager would have me read my poems to him that's [ __ ] [ __ ] would Park you know that I should be daily Fitness I used to work out but you but you so because we drove by there the other day yeah and you said that that dude I never thought was he was he we were done with you or no yeah he definitely he was in his almost 50 I think and he drove clear I I have a 15 year old so the idea is discuss disgusting disgusting is I'm like oh god oh my email poems yeah you know he would turn it like kind of relate by telling me about his email days and it was just so Siouxsie and the Banshees were really cool when I was girl number have you have you talked to Ari yeah how is he doing he's I just I just sat at the cellar with him for a little while he's doing good good yeah he seems like he's I don't I you know Ari didn't wasn't online he wasn't online when all the hate was coming his way so I think whereas we might have seen it he didn't see any of it so he's like was it bad it was almost like I love there's almost like someone that was in a coma and then wakes up and they're like and like goes hey we're all the people and they're like oh there was a pandemic like was it bad yeah and so he's he does not I think he's still doing shows under a fake name alright but uh he probably fears some sort of like physical backlash maybe yeah but he's I mean he's planning a big tour there I mean like a theater tour and tour bus and wow he's planning a really big tour so I you know I think he might be he was a really interesting guy to talk to during that whole things like I called him he got upset with me because he thought I didn't call him I called him the day it [ __ ] happened and the day after I called him that Monday and and he was like and he was upset he's like you should have reached out me and I was like I [ __ ] did [ __ ] so I think it was a very confusing kind of like emotionally turbulent time for him and I think he knew ship was going on but he didn't want to look you know yeah it's almost like it's almost like like he was in like like he locked in the house and there was a riot going on outside and he didn't want to look out for a little bit so but he had the emotional turmoil of knowing there was a riot going on outside no so then it became a safety issue too I think that's what new right now is maybe a safety issue that so he goes with by a different name right is I forget what his name is I Persians but now I'm a big fan of your wife I love her I anyway my wife would [ __ ] love you at my house but does she I know that the whole re oh she hates his guts okay yeah she hates him in a way that not many people she's all she really hates him like really hates him and that was what bothered me about when he molly'd me was I was like I was like look it's so funny he wants me to release the podcast I will never release our [ __ ] podcast it does not look make him look it not only does it not make him look good first of all it's proof that he committed a crime that's number one and and and number two it's just it he's like it's funny he's funny and I know it's not because you see in my eyes a person who thinks I might die and you can see that and I see it clearly but you also see like me realizing re just [ __ ] up our friendship and I and and I and I was like that's what bothered me the most out of its like when it happened I go you just made it so my kids will hate you and now my wife will hate you and you can ever come to my house and I can never go on vacation with you cuz my wife will always go don't go I don't want you going yeah and you also made it so that I don't really feel safe around you entirely and I was like I get in the podcast I kept going why would you do this like why this I don't know let me just get just so you do a podcast with Ari yeah in his house it is in your house in my house and how did he slip you the Molly so I I set it up I was like I was getting ready to start my tour and so I said this is gonna be awesome I'll do a podcast Bari I'll have a few drinks I'll get on a plane we'll smoke cigars this is great I wouldn't seen him in a while him and LeAnn are starting to patch things up heavenly I had a falling out before because Ari had commented on George his teeth Georgia teeth are great now but she was at younger she never made enamel on her teeth and they didn't look great I posted a picture of me and her in Hawaii and Ari was like way to have ugly snow stupid [ __ ] teeth no that is absolute beyond crossing the line for me that's the same reason why I don't post a lot of stuff about my family yeah because I'm fair game you can do say anything you want about me but if you come for anybody in my family that's a [ __ ] no for me well I think that's our Ari's Ari's responds by the way I have defended Ari so much in my life that I now I just I go blame Hitler it's Hitler's fault Hitler did this Hitler's dad put or his dad and Hitler put our he's down in the concentration camp yeah and so and so his dad is the concentration camp survivor yeah you know that comes with some baggage you know that being the son of a concentration camp survivor is it gonna be trauma there's and so part of what is wrong with Ari is there he was Orthodox Jewish and he lost his religion and there's a lot at the Glenn Miller anyway so he did that and then I was like [ __ ] Ari the answer art we were in Hawaii she was livid [ __ ] livid so I took take the picture down I call Ari I go bro don't [ __ ] why would you do that he's like but it's a joke and I was like it's not a joke my daughter would have seen that he goes don't post your daughter online don't post it online ah I was like Ari I was like listen you need to apologize and he was like why it was a joke and I was like okay all right so then I finally broke her an apology at Segura's house with Ari in the end I say this is the first time we're gonna do so Brock to her I said land the girls there I know Ari I want you to go into the kitchen I want you to apologize Lee and say I'm sorry I did that and he goes okay I still don't think I should and I was like Ari you should just do it please it'll make my life easier then I can be your friend because my my wife eights you would be friends so Tom and I and Kristina and my daughter's all go to the backyard to let Ari polish actually an article out and he goes I did it you're welcome oh my God thank you thank you yeah we walk inside and LeAnn it's like it's a joke I guess I'm sorry but I mean it was a joke if you didn't get the joke I don't know what to tell you sensitivity other people's feeling just like so then so then so finally finally we get to a place where Leanne is like you know whatever he was I guess he thought it was a jokes wasn't a joke we're fine he comes over a house a couple times does laundry at our house cuz you know he's like a vagabond we go on hikes me and him go on a trip together to Utah and LeAnn's now back cool yeah so I said I you know what this would be cool cuz the girls love Ari the girls loved Ari they do not anymore hey and so I'll come over we'll do a podcast I'll pack what smoke cigar get a little pause bring them in Leon's gonna make dinner from Ari me the girls we'll all have dinner the girls love having dinner with my friends like that they it's a lot of fun for them because they see a part of my personality the comedic personality but untethered in that guy and this fun it's always fun they had dinner with Stanhope and it was like one of their favorite dinners they bow and so um so I go back and re is doing something by the bar it looks suspicious I mean honestly I I it looked super specific but I in my million years had never thought he would drug me in a million [ __ ] years I need a million [ __ ] years and he goes hey let's do a let's do a celebratory shot you know start a podcast I was like okay and he goes it's a really good with not whiskey uh scotch and I hate scotch I don't like taste scotch so okay so I take the scotch and it I could taste something was wrong with it but I just wrote it off to scotch I was like I [ __ ] hate scotch I was idealist to the podcast we started in the podcast and then like it and he's doing this like weird [ __ ] where he's like yeah and I'm like and I'm watching him going like what the [ __ ] are you doing and then at one point I go are you on something and he just goes are you on something and I go no and he goes are you sure and I went yeah I'm certain and he goes are you wonderful a jerk because there's something I need to tell you and you gotta you can't get mad about it and I went what and he goes I slipped you Molly and I immediately my heart [ __ ] sank and I went all I could think was that kid that young writer from New York went down to Mexico took Molly and died right you know immediately I'm like oh my god I'm on blood pressure medicine I'm this may interact my blood pressure medicine my face is now feeling really really hot I have a [ __ ] spinning out of control panic attack book my first thought was this isn't gonna end well like it with my fit you were supposed to say for dinner like this was my piece was gonna be brokered it and I was like leeanne's never gonna oh this is gonna be really bad and I'm doing all the math and then I'm doing what could you have pretended that you weren't on it you're like two steps away from like dry humping you know a fig tree and it's it's hard it's hard to compartmentalize because on one side you're upset the other side you're on Molly so you like feel grain like I remember thinking I'm ever thinking when you're such a [ __ ] [ __ ] beet and I said to him that and then I go but you're you have your eyes are beautiful and but he was he was not he was not he's not he was not he didn't realize he had done something wrong until like almost like Oh week later a week later he called me and he was like I think he texted me and he was like and I wasn't talking to him like I was really upset with him and he was like I feel like I [ __ ] up our friendship I was like you think like no [ __ ] like and he was like I I'm really upset about it I'm really upset that I messed up our friendship I didn't know what was gonna I just wanted to have a good time with you you're the best guy and like we didn't talk for a month and it was during sober October I didn't talk to him also rocktober and then and I mean LeAnn was I told the ANA why I did it play out that day they're like when did he tell Ian like hey I got slip tamale I might act weird so I had to get ready for a flight I had to fly that night so I'm now I'm freaking out I don't like flying let alone I like flying on my darling yeah no I know that doesn't help it out so Joey Diaz comes over Joey Diaz sits down I think Joey Diaz I'm gonna take a Molly to like just make sure we're all cool my cousin came over and then Joey and I I walk everyone out and I said you already just leave do not say anything to anyone just leave this [ __ ] house so I walk him out him and Joey out I then take Lee Lee Ann's like are you wanna stay for dinner and he's like no and just walked out she was like what's wrong with Ari and I was like nothing I do I need to talk to you the bat in the bathroom so I bring in the bathroom Oh Mike I'm with my cousin I think with my cousin and I said I'm gonna tell you something and you can't have emotions about it she was like I need you to take care of me right now and not and not go off off the handle and she said what and then I said I already slept me Molly and she was like who is he like wow okay what do you need from me and I said I need to be packed and I need to get on a plane tonight she went okay I said you know got to get me out of the house without talking to the girls I don't talk to the girls because I'm really [ __ ] up she was like okay and so she packed a bag for me I took a shower was a great [ __ ] shower yeah oh and and then she got me out the door and then I went straight to the store and then the first person I ran into because I was way too early for the flight and I didn't want to be in an airport I wanted to get to the airport literally get there and go straight to the plane so I go to the store and I run into David Spade and Ahri's back in the back bar and Whitney's back in the back bar and I'm still on Molly and I'm like and I'm telling the story and where everyone's laughing and always like that's fine fine it's fine but I'm still really upsetting then I then I get to we get on a plane dude sit next to me gets the best massage anyone's ever had and I get to the vent I get to the place pass out wake up the next day and I am a [ __ ] mess like my OCD is all over the place my I don't really deal with much with depression I guess I don't know what it is for me it manifests itself in panic and OCD and I was a [ __ ] mess we had a reviving rally that blood the fluids people show up they gave me an IV I felt a little better but I couldn't write the boat it was like for like for like a week almost I would say I was just like and Ari was like that was the biggest mistake I made I should have given you five HTTP I was like I was like sure yeah but Liam was I got home and when I got home she was like she's like you're done you're done with that guy no but you never speak to him I yeah I was like you can't I was like listen I need to make that decision not you and I may not make that decision and I didn't make that decision I there's a part of us that and I know you know this too is there always a really [ __ ] sweet guy at times like he's such a great great great great guy that's super sensitive it's super sweet but there's this other guy that he does where it's like it's just stubbornness that he has yeah and you just go like and as a friend you go I want I want to help I don't know it's like you but I think that might piss him off even more if you don't meet him where he's at like you can't meet him where you want him to be you got to meet him exactly where he's at if he's gonna he's gonna slip you a Molly that day that's where you're at and he's gonna be sweet to you on a then that's where you got to just take it for what he is that day definitely don't want him as an enemy because when he was beating the [ __ ] up that's not a friendship then if you fear retaliation from somebody and then you treat them you know politically nicely because you think that they're well know re and I were like best friends for like seven yeah I was there when he first started right so when I would go on the road we would go together we've had we've had sex with the different women in rooms together and we've had a lot of good times and then when he brutally beat the SH out of me three weeks in a row and then I had him banned from the comedy store and then when he came back for seven or eight years after that he just was so mean to me because when you're on his bad side he would walk by your piece of [ __ ] you're not funny you shouldn't be here you're in a man you're dumb you know you're dumb you know I went to college and why and he would say that even when we had this like no talking no trues kind of you know I mean a truce kind of a thing but then you know once and I hated him I [ __ ] I didn't hate any I hated him I hated him more than Hitler oh yeah yeah and I never knew Hitler but my point is to the stories though this sounds even [ __ ] more [ __ ] up coming for me I've never had bad experiences with Ari other than him Molly and me but I don't think I really genuinely don't think he put any thought into it other than this is gonna be awesome it's Bert he's the Machine he parties all the time yeah he can handle Molly it's only half a hit no one dies from Molly me and him are gonna have a [ __ ] blast I don't think he thought I know he didn't think he's on blood-pressure medicine his kids are in the house his wife's making us dinner he has to be on a plane tonight I think he thought we'll do this we'll go out we'll party all night he didn't think through all the actions so for stuff like that and you know I've known him for so long I've never had anything other than this very sweet loving friendship with him but I have to say when he called me seven or eight years later and he said listen I'm sorry you hear me and he goes you know I'm doing this show this and that I want you on it I want you to tell the story you know whatever and we got together and then I realized that he was he put his hand around me and he goes I'm so sorry I love you man I was [ __ ] crazy a Wow I mean and then might now it's my experiences with him since then has been that sweet old Rory that I once knew back in the day you know so um you know I think he's changed a lot but um when I heard about well obviously the COBE thing was like wow but then when I heard about you what him on you it was just like a little it just sounds just a little weird to me I mean it it the thing that the thing that a few people that I that I trust and I and I love that I know very well thing that a few people put my head was that it was about jealousy and that because we had just gone hung out and I was he runs in Madison I was doing the theater and he was doing the club and I had a tour bus and we were hanging out ari was very very real not like not in a bad way but very real like wow like this is so cool man so cool the of a tour bus like he walked out and he looked at the theater and he's like just a lot of [ __ ] people to come to see you on a Thursday night sold out he walked on the stage and thought like it he got a big cheer and like no one really knew who he was and so when see people started going he was jealous I was like that's not Ari I'm in my experience it's not Ari yeah then you but then when you're coming off Molly and your [ __ ] brains not right yeah I start going you start going jealousy is real a real motion people do get jealous you can't deny it and I've been jealous with people and I'm a good person why shouldn't maybe that was retaliation for him to go you know what you think you're hot stuff now now you're back to me now I'm in control of you so there was a real thing going on in my head and that was the first thing or he said he was like he was like you have to know that like it was nothing about jealousy I don't I have to accept arias word for what it is and that he just thought it was gonna be a great time and I and he really miscalculated with Leanne on this I can appreciate a complex man I can appreciate all sorts of complex personalities but that is diabolical because when you involve the kids in someone's home that is that's to me that's poisonous also because I I'm blood pressure medication myself imagine if that happened to me this is I'm glad Leon is a really rational I would actually physically fight him I will put all my Filipino power into these fists yeah and I will [ __ ] telling especially cuz I'm sober if I was sober babe babe if I was sober the way I'm now yeah I don't I I know I mean Leanne said that Leanne said this is the one that really got me and this is what I this is what the this is what made me mad at Ari was that I had to have conversations like this we're sitting my sister's house and Ari text me and I and I grab my phone and I start to reply my daughter Georgia takes the phone away from me she goes don't talk to that guy Georgia she goes no no and I go George she goes he almost killed my dad so how about and I went I went mother [ __ ] Ari like in my head I go you didn't I didn't have to have this conversation my daughter's loved you they thought you were [ __ ] hilarious and now they hate you and then and then Georgie goes dad what would you do if someone molly'd me and then I I said I'd [ __ ] I would kill them and I would find out fine what they loved and I would break it I would break what they loved and Georgia said George goes and then what would you do if you saw me texting with them after they had molly'd me I went and then I was like god damn it why the [ __ ] do you have to be yeah yeah I look love re Italy they were so similar so there were so many parts of their little brains there but I remember one time I walked in and they were talking about how to put on deodorant to each other like just independently oh no I love [ __ ] hates his guts Wow and that's what sucks about this whole [ __ ] thing is that like I didn't get to have emotions about it cuz I had to take care of everyone else had to take care aria to take Cara Lee Anne the girls had want them to find out and when they didn't find out they're like the first thing they said was they go Oh everyone's schools talking about it we know that re roofied you and raped you in the backyard I'll go hold on Ruby don't know there are eight times a month and you thought you already helped me down so yeah it was super complex you know what sucks about this whole thing the real thing that sucks is is that I'm I've always been nice to you yeah have a not yeah like a little yellow creature of the night right I'm like a mythological angel uh-huh right hog on you yeah have I ever try to Molly you know no I've only been gentle I've never been invited your house I've ever been invited your house for dinner [Music] I've never tried tamale right this is how broken my brain is about trust I went yeah we're gonna take a quick break to share an amazing sponsor with you sushi sushi sushi the guys guys you know what a game changer for me my but do you have a butthole I do a lot of people don't oh but no I mean most people do I mean okay my point is that I said that wrong yeah if you have a butthole this ad is for you is that for you and can I say something about the is it that for many many years I didn't have a bidet and my butthole was like I don't see Nicaragua but it was a very jungly place I see it was very very not good got it and when once I've had about the day I'm not saying I'm I [ __ ] and that region of my of my body is so [ __ ] clean and fresh and I cannot imagine life without one it's hard to believe that when we go to the bathroom in this country most of us wipe instead of wash for years bidets have been available but hideously expensive costing thousands of dollars the hello tushy modern bidet attachment is here to democratize the blessings bestowed by bidets and offer clean buttholes to everyone hello - she cleans your butt with precise stream of fresh water for $79 what $79 insane it attaches to your existing toilet requires no electricity or additional additional plumbing and it cuts toilet paper used by 80% of trees the beautiful trees so the hello - she did a pays for itself in a few it's kind of the perfect thing to have right now especially with everyone being super frenzied about buying toilet paper yeah yep and every hello to see bidet attachment comes with a 60-day risks free guarantee and a 20 month warranty join millions of happy hello touchy customers right now and have a clean pot with every freaking flush man good don't call me a [ __ ] that's a ditch paper products and uncomfortable chafing when you switch to the soothing cleansing stream of water from a hella tishy bidet attachment with hello tushy you don't wipe at all even the best two-ply can't cut it when it comes to hands-free poop experience go - hello - she calms lash tiger belly to get 10% off this is a special offer for tiger belly listeners so go - hello - she calm / tiger belly 40% off hello Toshi calm / tiger go enjoy the rest of the show I've never been invited your house you're definitely gonna last week or this week Roy Choi I know Roy yeah about judging the cookout Sebastian he said yours was exponentially more delicious that you understood flavor yeah yeah because the two meals that you've made for me right on your cooking show delicious yeah but then when I did the Netflix show with you and that's steak with the [ __ ] coffee ground crust that was so [ __ ] good dude Roy Choi uh I have stories about that guy he came over to my house for Thanksgiving we are we live like right next door to each other right yeah like our daughters were best friends as a matter of fact they would if they were gonna have sex they'd bring his daughter over and be like hey can she have a playdate for about 30 minutes yeah and so we do the same hey Georgia go down and see if you play piano with them so uh one year Thanksgiving he were sitting I made a big Thanksgiving girls were playing me and him around the couch having a drink I don't even know if you drank really but um and he says he had a great job at rock sugar and the rock sugar was in like Century City yes I think I'm thinking about quitting and I said why and he goes I'm I'm gonna quit I think I'm gonna get a taco truck I said are you serious he goes yeah like do like fusion like Korean barbeque and then I can all the ingredients will be there I have no overhead I just get the truck and then if it does well you have another truck I think I gotta be honest II I think it's the I think it's the future and I went I be honest with you he's like yeah I go that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life Wow and he goes really I go Roy you have a kid man you gotta stay keep the job keep the health insurance he was like yeah thanks for your input he did it and it was a game-changer in culinary so the lesson is never listen to bird I made I remember I had him in Segura over for dinner one night and I made white chili another two people that I love white chili I made white chili and it said it said nine nine case is a big thing nine little built-ins of Chili's so I open them all I drain them and I dump them in nine of them and then we I we played it and I go to taste it and I had substituted jalapenos and it was so [ __ ] hot so hot that Roy left because I couldn't I go Roy how do I fix this and he goes you can't literally walked out of my door didn't say goodbye this was [ __ ] horrible yeah it was horrible but that's what a friend does yeah Roy is Roy was I mean we they were really like really close friends ours for a very long time so we lived right next to our kids with the exact same age and then watching him blow up was crazy I remember Steve burn one time he called me you went over to your house no Steven I want to name some comics see who's been at your house okay okay has Steve Byrne ever been to your house yes yes of course stops the Steven is is he [Music] look at my face I'm getting [ __ ] hot yeah got throat polyps yeah yeah hold on I do my podcasts out of my house too so I haven't had CBO room for Jen I've ever done your podcast honestly honestly dude what did I what did I have what am I doing wrong nothing I want I don't know what am I doing wrong nothing I must be doing something wrong I do like I haven't had Santino on either and it has EEP into your house no okay good yeah thank God hey Eric Griffin No thank God Eric Griffin bring it down anyway you know since you know Whitney Cummings yes she's been to your house yeah Chris D'Elia yeah you [ __ ] [ __ ] you son of a [ __ ] [ __ ] Whitney came to my house and Whitney and I were friends but we have great chemistry my wife goes and the girls love Whitney I mean she just hangs out with girls like dogs love Whitney she comes by she had a pig and the girls were wallet following on Instagram and watching her with the pig and then she came by when the fires happen and the girls emptied out their closets for Whitney they've got all these clothes Oh everyone loved her my wife you see one day goes you know we were doing a sitcom me she was gonna be honest you should really cast Whitney as your wife I mean you guys get along it seems like it would be a natural fit no yeah that's a good call and so I texted my friend who's doing the sitcom I said we think wouldn't it be a good wife he's like oh my god so [ __ ] and then the end goes you can't fall in love with her she goes I know but she's pretty [ __ ] awesome everyone seems to love her you can't fall in love with her and I was like I won't and then I was like hey Yvonne yeah Bryan Callen Brennan job yeah Oh God anyway uh what is your Netflix [ __ ] give me the [ __ ] date Netflix what is it coming a Steve Byrnes story yeah oh it's racist Stephen calls me up he's with Vince Vaughn and he goes hey man I'm with Vince and we're trying to get these Kogi tacos these Korean tacos but the line is [ __ ] through the roof and I was like yeah and he goes you know Roy right and I went yeah and he goes can you text him and get let him know that we're here and I go sure so my text Roy Roy says I'll find him and so I text Steve back no he's looking for you and Steve goes I'm looking for him what does he look like and I write back he's Korean and he goes I know but they look like and I go like you but more hip hoppy he's like no but describe him I go olive skin black hair he's [ __ ] green how you describe I go just look for yourself but like cooler and then all of a sudden he goes I would never mind I found him hip hoppy is a good let me ask you something when they say Asian people look alike do you believe in that stereotype no I know I don't but that's only because eration oh but I will tell you this our best friend's raisin and their daughter her daughter tried out for the softball team at her school and she comes home she goes I'm concerned I'm not gonna make the team when we go we're all out of their house we go why she goes because there's another girl there's another asian girl that actually really looks like me mom and she sucks I'm afraid they're gonna confuse them and then they go and they she goes actually the girls not that bad so they're equally talented and they're the same height and they look identical oh wow and so the girl our friend's daughter made the team and then she we go you made the team she goes yeah but I had to go up to the coach you go did you get the right Asian I don't think I used to have a joke about that and then I go ice do you ever see the same person twice in one day I saw this Asian lady 15 times in one day she was everywhere she was at the cleaners she was at the nail salon she she won't cut me off in traffic three times yeah and so and then and then someone told me so my friends said you know it was Asians yes you know we don't all look like and then I started hanging out with Asians people I was like they don't look at all thank you like it's but I will say this when we were in Scandinavia I would confuse blond people like crazy like it like same hair color can throw me I thought that's happened with me with a lot of people oh I do have a theory about when they say Asians are bad drivers here's my theory my theory and it goes back to but it goes back to to the fact that there are so many Asians it's not the Asians are bad drivers is that there's so many Asians that percentage is high you're gonna run into more bad driver the stereotype is not it's actually not is derived from here yes exactly because there's not like there's only four percent of the population here oh you guys are like I have a difference here no you're not you're okay you're four percent of the population here yeah but you're not in the middle of the country you're only like nine cities and it's all on the coast [ __ ] different theory I think that Asians are over skilled so if you go to the Philippines I'm telling you everyone there are no road rules all the traffic lights are broken so everyone sort of knows how to use their when they honk it's like Morse code it's very common every everybody's zipping past everybody and I think that that level of skill does not apply to the infrastructure here no here's what it is that level of skill I kind of like that I agree like okay that's I agree with that good kalila but because if you can't drive in the Philippines you're frightened it's scary and you what I'm saying is if you take a regular ol American white guy they think he's straight-up stupid stupid when he drives and though oh I would be I'd be like have my blinker on we don't use a brain cell in other countries they don't care that much about their cars like oh it's listen to what I'm saying oh that's their I'll and it's go ahead let's go the tile and I saw two cab drivers hit each other they put their head out the window and they looked at the cursor okay it's fine let's move on and they kept driving my point is is that it's not that if you get a like a little scratch here in America yeah you pull over you know mean you call people all that stuff it's like in Asia we don't give that much a [ __ ] about your right oh yeah it is the car still work move on to do that make sense yeah oh I want to go to the Philippines bad you know what they want you there so badly and I'm not kidding you I was actually just talking to Mike Berta Lina and you would have the absolute best time they're gonna roll out the most luxurious red carpet for the guys we know the guys I want to go see other and they have a really large amazing venue there what do you want to do I never played there either you want to do a double show that's I will absolutely set it up I'm being real I'm being very realize you got to bring your kids they would love it there the books are beautiful oh yeah love it I had a buddy on a buddy who's a TBD producer and he moved to I think the Philippines I think and he took over one of the big one of the big cable providers like one of the people who makes all the things he took over and was their guy in in Southeast Asia or Asia and he will not leave he is his name's Tim Scott he's got a picture it's the funniest [ __ ] picture I've ever seen and it's not intended to be funny he started dating a girl and they went to a big family reunion and he has a picture with him in their family but they're all wearing the same shirts and he is so white I swear to God the funniest [ __ ] picture and it's not intended to be funny at all but it just to see this white guy from Minnesota who's fat like this is Burt I had to go to the a meetings through yeah look can I go if you ever want to go I've been a little good woman I went to one you don't like it the guy the guy said the guy goes he should stand up and say something and I was like really he's I can't stand up the first time here say something and I was like okay so I go to stand up in the guy in front next to me cuz I'm gonna speak real quick and he goes hi my name is lucky they're like hi Ken he's like oh I'm having a rough day Oh rough day I woke up this morning sucking my landlords dick and then I lit his car on and I was like I can't follow that [ __ ] left prepare but if you ever wanted to go I go to a men's meeting that's like all I kind of I'd go if it seems like too much of a commitment like I'd go I would go like because I'm I definitely have toyed with the idea of stopping drinking a lot but I'm not telling you to do it I'm just saying I'm giving you the option if you ever need to because I'm a sober guy I'm gonna I always I'm the kind of brain that could mean if I can't do it myself I don't want to try like I want to do it myself like I know but and if I submarine you're not never yourself you're not an alcoholic oh good to go so arm this is the funnest [ __ ] podcast to do in the world I know what you're trying to do right now what get on again no no right now he's trying to stretch it out so I miss my [ __ ] meeting oh I would address one major thing the last time you were on here you had promised Bert and I that we were all gonna do a triathlon and you never came through I dragged I trained you a swim I can run you ride the bike okay I want to say this all right I want to say this I'll [ __ ] do it right Malibu triathlon late August let's do it Malibu triathlon we'll do the celebrity division and we'll do the team rally yeah yeah let's do it let's do it someone sign us up Malibu try tell me when I need to start training have a palawan start today when you use them know you're gonna like it lock it down September 26 who then let if you would then dude look like you have to sign me up and got you we got you we got you all right I get the bike and everything all right but I don't want you to show up not fit because I will just tell me do you have before this is the day let's get going all right and I'll [ __ ] Rocky Balboa you know how we will kill it it's like Ivan Drago when are the [ __ ] woods that's let's get let's get another team to see it go against that goes against us okay good there's gonna be a couple of fat guys on there like we got Segura said his team can you let me know what swimmer they choose though so I know what I'm up against yeah he know my friend thinks he can swim from Catalina you [ __ ] so if if you go at a slow pace that sounds like something you can do Matthew McConaughey did it the what who's that Matthew McConaughey rad alright you did the Malibu triathlon a Brian Greenberg your friend I love rabbi steve-o did it with no training muscle when I did triathlon it was absolutely terrifying because the swim I started leading the swim and I was like did no one trained for this yeah and then I was like why is I'm like how am I going so good and then turn and everyone kicked it in and they climbed over me and almost drowned me yeah that's the beginning just you know how they do it in heats yeah but they it in the water at least for me and my experiences they don't give a [ __ ] they'll run right I'm like that's why if I was gonna do it again I'd swim off to the side just take my time with it but sometimes that's why you sort of have to get ahead of the pack really early on and then sort of pace it out afterwards I don't like swimming with too many people around you harnessed the hardest jog Eleanor Roosevelt that's what you look like I did I did swim yeah and the bike and the bike I was like I was like [ __ ] flying and when I got to do the run I was so exhausted I was like your face like a Shelter Island statue I cried Bobby is gonna be a beast I wrote Philadelphia to Atlantic City and it was like super doable holy [ __ ] it's like I had anal sex with New Jersey yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] I crashed my second crash for real it was really sad I still have scars what happened to my bike ah [ __ ] bike oh yeah and I crash I had road rash from here all the way up to my knee it was really bad what if we get Bobby really into triathlons and that's it becomes his new addiction it's like if you put my marshmallow you put poop to eyes that's his face what do we have this week I'm hopeful bust Barbie collab we do emails you [ __ ] okay here's a quick one recently my boyfriend brought it to my attention that he likes to be pegged and I don't know if I have the confidence enough to take that kind of control closet what would be your advice and people in the room and how to get in the mindset how do you guys feel about pegging I heard a lot of good old nerves in the prostate that are great for a man oh I would wear dildo and I penetrate your butthole I've been dreaming about this for my whole life and he will never aqueous so I can't help you there I'm still in the process if the dildos like this I swear to God how big of a dildo you won't even let a finger up there why not hey there's my impression of me trying to get Leanne to put a finger on my ass [ __ ] let me be the girl let me be Leanne don't laugh don't laugh though it took you four you ask no no okay well you stuck your finger in my ass one time yeah and I never you never let it down yeah I know bounces because I'm like my head might what my dad has I my dad I don't know if you know this but my dad used to walk around the house naked and they always had toilet papers to get out of his [ __ ] we call him the Korean kite and the thing is is that I swore to God and I was wondered why but I have the same thing now I have anal leakage a little bit and I don't like I don't I don't want like my like you know my juice to be on your face that I don't give a [ __ ] I'm in I'm in it to win it but yeah a thon I'm not you don't have coffee enema I'm ready I'm ready for something up my ass I forgot about [ __ ] me me I know but I'll do anything I would probably come this close to sucking dick if it's on TV I have like right in the entrance if it's on TV I'll do I will go I will go hardcore of it's on TV when we did we did a reality bites back on Comedy Central yeah they got kicked off it was me mo mandel and Amy Schumer and we were in bathing suits speedos and robes and was Michael Ian Black on the other side the table and I threw my he goes you're kicked off I'm gonna need your speedo and I think they thought I would unfold it and so I just took my speed off got naked yeah and I grabbed his chair by with my heels yeah and I pulled his chair into my dick almost like like he was and I go look at it and he goes I'm afraid he'll turn to stone I go party you will and then I did a back spin and stuck it naked and I got off that table I said I think I might have just ruined my career god it's like when I did that woman at the Comedy Central singing thing with the Josh Adams the hardest I know but that's all my Instagram no no [ __ ] mine when Bobby did that on I I took my nest cam my nest cam from our bad that's what I saw guys I grabbed that footage of me watching Bobby and it was just I was crying laughing and I for some reason I went I wish I had recorded this and then LeeAnn goes it's on nest cam and I grabbed it we had to write a letter to Rod Stewart to ask permission for Bobby to sing that song remember remember dear Rod Stewart yeah make some long life when I was in seventh grade this song help me help me find confidence my own I went to a party at Rod Stewart's house one time this is one first moved to Hollywood and his daughter was like famous and it was like throwing all that motorcycle yeah to a party at their house one time and they had it was like for like part it was like kids but they were not Rod Stewart is like the kids our age and they had brl I never had caviar I ate so much caviar that they actually removed it from the table let's get back and then someone just grabbed it was like it's not all yours all right we got to end it we gotta [ __ ] yeah I'm so sorry III because I yeah I have to go but you know what the thing is is this thinking thing is this is that burton and i hopefully some of the things we say today happens number one we do the triathlon marathon yeah i want to do that really you got someone in your organisation ously don't ever want to go to your house no you guys i wrote all the names down all the people I thought you guys should meet each other you guys are all my amazing number three you got you and I are kindred spirits we are a hardcore we're very similar in many ways and and this is you know you and I could talk forever I could talk to you and I wish my partner's was this fun fun with you it's not always this fun it's fun when you're here who's been a bad guest we you know what's hard it's not the guests fault it's you know I need people to add information so I've had people on where I ask them something and they say maybe two or three words and they're way up again and you know and I don't like that oh wait there's one more thing I wanted to tell you who had someone on your podcast that is my ultimate life Idol um Kimmy swimmy oh yes so I free dive and she is somebody that I like my entire life is modeled around trying to be Kimi Werner let's go let's go to Hawaii just had a baby don't why you freed up with her I would hold on hold on this'll totally out but never gonna happen let's go to let's go I have Kimmy's number I know Kimmy really well yeah we'll go down we'll go down and she'll teach me I've never I've done it a couple times I've gone spearfishing that's another thing I want to tell you we should go freedive can you should get your lobster license and you should come with me and I'll take you out to go get some lobsters a hundred percent 100 percent no well obser season is almost over but you know I'm gonna have Berta Lena Berta Lee and we're gonna shoot it for all things calm absolutely then we'll go down we'll go spearfishing free diver Kimi she was like I got it within a day I can get you to hold your breath for like two minutes thirty right now wow that's really good actually you know what he actually holds his breath very very long as lung capacity is better than mine me love you long time [Laughter] [Music] you know I love you guys thanks so much for so much blast no it's not an album I'm professional that's so rude especially you [ __ ] that is uh hey big boy it's on streaming on Netflix right now go watch it I hope you enjoy it you know the birdie boy tour go to Burt Burt Burt calm hey guys I hope you enjoyed that episode of tiger belly with the one and only Bert Kreischer shout out to George Kimball for bringing ice in the room unfortunately a berth do not use it so he wasted a whole bag we want to give a big shout out to our sponsors hams blue apron Toshi and my bookie bonus can be optional get your first month of hymns for free go to for hams a comp slash belly shall we pop one okay I'll do a check out this week's menu and get $60 off when you visit blue apron comm slash belly hey wait Andres why don't you read number three but take your time huh yeah join millions of happy hello tushy customers right now and have a clean butt keep going I love you you guys okay Joey millions of happy hello - she customers right now and have a clean but yeah with every flush for a limited time go to hello calm its last Tiger badly to get 10 percent off and visit my bookie dot AG and use the promo code belly for 50% off deposit bonus for 50% disposable deposit bonus don't know what I'm saying right now get your tickets to this lap King lime guys you have to see Bobby live if you haven't you're doing yourself a disservice he'll be at Houston Texas March 27th to 29th Dallas Texas April 3rd through 5th orange is once you read the third but and say in Spanish Colusa California April 17 at the Colusa cocina oh yeah keep going San Diego California April 30th to mate 2nd at American comedy club California made a - 10th on the Ontario improv go to Bobby Lee live die kind of grab them before they're gone and also guys like today's unhelpful advice question you can also ask one by going to advice unhelpful at gmail.com remember typically keep them nice and tight and not too long those have a better chance of being selected George Jimmy shout in shout outs my buddy Andres with the great accent coming in hot you know who is I who is he to you well people don't know who he is they might have heard of my bad friends reading a scene you might have heard Bobby talk them about a little bit about um Andres is my buddy from film school New York what's cool is that Columbia University in the city of New York the only Ivy League mean Cobb with you mean Columbia College at Chicago New York Congo Eleanor more a lot more student debt than those asshats in college shots fired to Columbia College Chicago the only universe the only Ivy League with a film school boom Farrelly Brothers went there but they did the writing program rather than that but on Denis is a director which is a director and what kind of films films did if there's any films out there where can we find them I'm about to my first feature film No can you give us can you give the tiger barely slept came a little taste what is the log line I have not written this like now it's called the echoes and it's about it's a horror psychological horror film and it's about like a father trying to bring back to life his that family whoa guys that's not the voice of a director in an interview I don't know what is you can follow tiger belly at tiger belly on Instagram I had that tiger Billy on Twitter you can also follow George at George underscore Kimmel underneath that I don't need to follow him Wow what a director see he's a dress you do you would've made this film okay well there we go George what's his uh Instagram and probably you can follow everything kalila at calamity kay everything Bobby Lee at Bobby Lee live and you can give me a follow and Gill bits and guys once again we have our mean contest of the week you have to make a meme based on today's episode which is episode 237 Bert Kreischer so take your favorite moment and give us a meme and all you have to do to submit to that and possibly win a prize you will win a prize if you are selected is hashtag the photo or meme hashtag tagger belly on our Instagram and on Twitter and we'll select from those guys we love you [Music]

Channel: TigerBelly

Views: 621,005

Rating: 4.8564014 out of 5

Keywords: tiger belly, tigerbelly, bobby lee, podcast, khalyla, tgrbly, all things comedy, mad tv, stand up, comedy, tpw, ymh, tkats, tfatk, off the record, bad friends, bert kreischer, the machine, hey big boy, starbucks, bill bert, bears, two bears one cave, tom segura, your moms house, bertcast, netflix, special, Ep. 543, official trailer, hot ones, The Fighter and The Kid, Episode 541: Bert Kreischer, bill bert podcast, bill burr, andrew santino, bobby lee podcast, atc, h3h3, roast

Id: nplNaIe7aE0

Length: 102min 59sec (6179 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 19 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/BixmanJ]

It's interesting to hear coronavirus discussion from 2-3 weeks ago. Bobby has probably locked himself in a closet with his iPad and headphones by now.

[u/J-Slam]

I really enjoyed this episode, I love Bert's energy and how excited he gets when basically any topic is brought up (well except maybe Ari lol)

[u/ajit_maholtra]

At 1:28:30 Bobby has checked out and starts talking shit to Gilbert and Bert while Khalyla and Bert ignore him, immersed in their own discussion.

[u/jimmyjak87]

Bert is so much funnier on podcasts than what he passes off as his stand up act.

[u/slippyal2]

I enjoyed this a lot.

[u/kindasfw]

bert doing every show at once

when will these comedians understand spacing out content so they dont repeat the same shit all week

[u/-Sleeepy-]

Bert being angry because the opener didn't stay around after his set is so fucking needy, the job is to perform not be a nanny or an emotional support pet.

[u/Ogtheokush]

Nice.

[u/IamAdogRooRoo]

so pink dick is doing matty matheson's podcast too?