Joey Diaz & American Ingenuity | TigerBelly 143

[Music] want to hear about Lisa do you want to hear about sleeping good yeah you guys Lisa sponsors us it is the best mattress foam you can get in the biz okay do you have premium foam mattresses you can buy and there's three types a lot of places only have one type or no type true I've been to some mattress places we have no types of mattress foam here right but this one has three there are three types all in one it's got okay three matches phones in one is what I'm saying cooling Avena foam mmm that means it cools your body don't you guys pressure relieving memory foam see if you have pressures in your back it relieves it and we also have dense core support you know is that well you know how things are some there's some full core support this has dance one it's so dense and for every one mattress donated for every ten sold in one tree planted for every order received and that's 23,000 mattresses donated thus far so if you want $125 off go to Lisa comm slash belly [Music] okay that's Georgetown up very loud but also $160 a few dollars off a lot and it plants a tree what happens one mattress donated for every 10 sold if you don't buy a mattress guys we're gonna run out of trees and they were all gonna die cuz we need oxygen Lisa Lisa the best in the world five four three two hey everybody big fat Cuban in the high banana welcome to another episode of the great the great Bobby Lee's here the one the Wonder the wonder lost mmm yeah the wonderful Bob Lee captain I'm at the precipice of life and everyone knows that okay we got George in the house with his four eyes we got on this is dude I mean this is pure [ __ ] we got pure Asian [ __ ] right look at that face newbee kale why droopy that's what agent people are supposed to look like Gilbert sorry I'm nice I don't know yeah you gots to tan we got we got here my girlfriend kalila [ __ ] beautiful yeah we got him and we got me and we got a special guest tonight guys hey everybody you ready for big fat Cuban stuff my old friend dude my old friend Joey Coco Diaz give a wrong applause everybody everybody stop do not Bobby Lee dude is this but it's a pleasure having you in my home borough much food how many I've done yours a couple of time round yeah yeah you always trying to get me on nine o'clock perfect they've been asking me for you but they're like you know you know I I don't like asking people because I want people to say no no [ __ ] ask for you you said yes right aware with your family I was I was very honored that you'd even have me yeah you're a criminal aren't ya yeah yeah yeah because I was in Canada and I and the club owner I Calgary was like what should I bring here I go what ads I go first foremost Joey Diaz and he goes can even get in the country and then he I go oh yeah he has criminalities criminal yeah you hit somebody with a pipe when a fellow Gnaeus he's hit somebody with a pipe no I kidnap somebody oh this drug rip you did a drug rip yeah like you show up and you're supposed to have cash but you have dick yeah yeah without without in Denver what is that Colorado yeah Boulder a Boulder Colorado that's how I've heard of it yeah there's Cubans out there no I went out thing cuz they were looking for me in Jersey yeah yeah you went out I was a Hellion man yeah you were it's so funny out and when I met you I was just crossing over my doctor always crossing over like once I got to the Comedy Store I was still a criminal how still throw a glass at you yeah yeah I'm still an animal yeah that deef and [ __ ] and all that scamming [ __ ] went away cuz I saw other scammers up there and I saw how bad it looks it's a full house of scam that's not the houses cameras what's cleaned out now but before that one how'd it go in there and [ __ ] rock the house you had a rock the house you had to [ __ ] always check your back pocket always right you know and I was up there addicted to coke you know the first for ten years yeah blow and [ __ ] I look at that because I used to when I was using drugs I used to give you pills all the time yeah you remember that oh yeah please yeah I need them I know you [ __ ] yeah you wouldn't even ask me he would just look at me uh-huh you know just pull it out oh but he was eat'em yes yeah if the FDA approves them [ __ ] look good don't give me that ching ching [ __ ] my good card for two days I'm gonna give you you know it's so crazy I've never been addicted to pain medication like the big thing in this country that was the opiate problem people give me a Viking the two sometimes a couple weeks right to the podcast and a dude I had a stash of pills on a Sunday at like 12:00 like oh just give me whatever just to get the party start yeah I was [ __ ] for like 10 [ __ ] hours on watch a movie yeah yeah but Tana I was I was roasted yes the pills like mid podcast by the time I got in my car was sizzle it was like 1 o'clock in the answer he was opiates oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I was high till 10 Jack like Sam I was like you okay yeah hey the edible is no edible that was straight-up [ __ ] opiate I'll tell you what the next day I'm like that's fine I got high I got no regrets I did it I manned up to it Wow but I'll never do I don't know how people do that other daily well you don't get you never because you never got physically addicted maybe maybe that you're a mentally strong no I got I got hooked on all that [ __ ] like I got hooked I want two phases yeah like when I first started comedy I was selling these antics I was selling volumes ah and you know the bringer shows yeah that's how I would bring people so even though you call me eleven o'clock strung out yeah nothing till eight o'clock at the commies right and I made you pay what the [ __ ] Joey the samox only cost me a quarter I would sell them for a dollar fifty Wow so I would before on the house yeah I was making a move yeah mid The Comedy Store at 8:00 meet me at the Comedy Store at 8:00 me meet the Comedy Store they make sure you know got eight people do you want American ingenuity with the weapon you are what a weapon yeah I do you know that's all right I sold as an it when I first got divorced I had this fucked-up Mexican dude in Longmont Colorado I had a trailer and half the trailer was pills yeah everyone by the way as a Mexican dude I had one Paul yeah oh my god Wow yeah once a week and he would give me do you remember the old days crackers coming to ten saltine crackers yeah give me a ten like every time I go over there like we eat a Mexican food yeah yeah I give him an envelope and he'd give me a ten and I'd take it home like it was crackers like those cookies cookies yeah yeah yeah meanwhile I had [ __ ] one hundred and thousands annexes a better value Wow and then I sold that [ __ ] for a while then I got off that and I just went to New York and so coke oh one thing I was a very very good coke salesman I never took a pinch for cocaine you can't [ __ ] get me at all you couldn't get me yeah I knew when they came as a matter of fact a DEA agent came to my show on sad then gave me a card and he goes I heard you one time in a park he goes you had all the procedures down I know exactly when somebody comes and they're looking for for [ __ ] so I never took a pinch for [ __ ] drug sales or possession another night [ __ ] my [ __ ] was straight-up robberies amazing you're not dead it is is it not I almost died a few times I almost died in Beaumont Texas can you imagine that Beaumont Texas after The Longest Yard yeah and I went down there on fire you know when you went on the road to get I yeah I come daddy I've done that yeah that's a time when you go on the road to get [ __ ] high you call the guy the doorman at the club yeah you got a cousin who's [ __ ] up oh my god Tuesday yeah I'm coming tomorrow and I don't want no slip-ups yeah as soon as you get to the club they give you a draw and you just bang out that drug deal and he's good for them like I used to go on the road for drugs I used to go on the road to [ __ ] I mean when Paulie we got did like I didn't do open for Paulie for the money yeah is it need come on it's through the road right I'd be like yeah [ __ ] and then you would go you know you would go and there's no offense to Paul II in his fans but at that time they were easily manipulated you can manipulate them easily oh I was there with Joe Rogan with Fear Factor I had women say to me look me in the face and go I'll do anything to meet you I was give him like a code you want to play the flute yeah then that's why I got banned from the Tempe improv the first oh I brought some freak up there right yeah suck dick and then she started sucking everybody's dick and she eventually sucked The busboy that was 17 you know that you probably have those young guys he lost his [ __ ] EAX day what's his name Danny Murphy yeah imagine me the guy that didn't get get his dick socks I could get Bobby and I'll be like she sucked my dick I took her upstairs by his left today like she took the tits out and the old green moon started playing with a puss I'm like I'll be right back get the [ __ ] out nothing I found the like passed out yeah is she that's why Danny Murtaugh is mad at me because she blew a seventeen-year-old bus boy that night like that kid anymore though huh Danny he's a creepy [ __ ] yeah Danny murdered yeah about two a year ago two years ago well I thought Mark Anderson died Mark Anderson killed himself but Danny Murtaugh Danny Murr went to Chicago he was sick he was ill after that game is a deadly [ __ ] do you remember warlock you stayin out with Louis I do so I was on a tour bus with Paulie warlock looks like a warlock right he's got skinny arms do you know he I think he lived moved to Chicago right but he's just that kind of you know um you know the Lord of the Rings movie the one that was feeding the King the lies Wormtongue you gotta remember warm tongue what that's a warlock okay and Paulie goes just these two college kids from Columbia girls not kids girls from Colombia in Colombia Yeah right they blew me steep Samoan bunch of people and then polygons what about that guy and I saw them below warlock and their faces I will never forget it was like eating like rotten you know mean food just like you know like they were gonna get sick but they did it and I just I don't know I just liked it okay watching it was like fun you know I mean what does that mean I mean do you ever think about the disgusting things you did on the road with people how like that was one that I was telling when me and Lee I took me to the store with me on the way - hell yeah we were telling I was telling them from the road like Tribble runs like oh you are oh my god 93 95 we have a feature act like the discuss that I saw like what I saw at the Comedy Store you know was enough like I saw sexual perversion Harvey Weinstein type [ __ ] yeah yeah women going there on dates and sucking dick clean on the way to the bathroom like you hanging on by the woman's bathroom when you get back and next thing they let me give you a toilet how are we so our Comedy Store like how many women I saw I know yeah it was great especially if like Mike Young and some of these are around you'd see a girl walking the hallways and they disappear and they're in the bathroom somewhere oh my god getting a letter from a girl one time like when I was when I first moved to LA there was a girl that would hang out there on Sunday night you know and she was a sweet girl you know whatever I never hit him saying like she wasn't my type whatever I just didn't look at it that way and years later I got a letter at The Comedy Store and it was her saying that thank you that they were animals she goes I got I almost got raped up there and all this [ __ ] but you were the only one that was nice to me on Sunday that's cuz I used to host yeah yeah I did that tail and she said she's like I'll never go back out there like she was cracked like how many people have common gone in the time that you and I you know what's crazy I just thought was that I remember you and I in the late 90s we're at in San Antonio for Latino laughs first of all and I remember you and I didn't have any money like and we all was between yeah we asked worthy Patterson to take this to take us to eat right and he goes all right you know but we couldn't even eat that's how little money that we had fifty bucks a set they paid us yes i disinfect two weeks later putting them on month that [ __ ] scumbag Jeff about this yeah yeah no prettier no plane ticket yeah I did I had to do a night in [ __ ] some town with the cousin Jeff L doesn't cousin yeah Jeff out there's a somebody in the festival had a cousin who play like the organ live on Thursdays yeah yeah and some [ __ ] bar yeah so I had to do that just to have a little bit of money to put down on the room because I didn't have an ATM card yeah so it would make you give me $35 cash deposit and that would bust me yeah I couldn't afford 20 hours for a [ __ ] breakfast at a hotel it's just amazing to think that like there's a bunch of us that are doing well now but back then it was just like how should we keep doing this right didn't you get that feeling like are we ever gonna and then to see like when I see you now well how successful your podcast is how you're like selling out rooms and just you know you're you're like this we stuck with it we stuck with it I know but it's not special it's so funny how it's so funny how we were having a conversation and you and I have those people who never got the smoke blown up our ass we put our pants on one leg at a time like I don't I'm so funny that he just said that because the thing is the truth I have never been like you know how like there's that hot guy who has a lot of buzz around him who is going to the festival and he got a deal I was never that guy I will never be that guy and and I want I've always wanted to be that guy that's easy you know for me I've always been like all right I'm gonna have to get through the back door where are those guys today gone 99 and 2000 we got a half million dollar deal right oh those guys that come in today some dead chicken diamond chickens are dead birds died yeah you know I know the date those deals would destroy people guys you get a deal and let's say three art signs you and your deal doesn't get picked up three yards drops you and people gonna go if three hours couldn't do done with him what am I gonna do it yeah so those people would you know chicken for example yeah chicken yeah first time I saw chickens I wouldn't get it oh you didn't like I didn't know I didn't get oh yeah I didn't get it I'll never forget he big day he got signed and he got his first deal yeah the big news in town was that he walked into three yards naked I'm supposed to [ __ ] be impressing I think my dick out every night is not done yummy he wants the three yards naked and he's brilliant yeah he's white that's why I think people pull out the dicks there's like how much fun we had with the Comedy Store do you remember that night that there was a girl heckling I tell the story all day long because I was flat [ __ ] broke and I think Bobby was starting to bust already a little bit yeah and the girl came I went up on stage there's some girl heckled me she goes take your dick out I go I'll take my dick out if you take your [ __ ] out it was a Friday and be a fact that we just coming on and [ __ ] this chick came onstage drop the pants took a little clam out a little [ __ ] the thickness of hair right above the glue drop the pants I took my dick out and Bobby Lee and Joe Rogan came to it I remember the nurse standing outside ran in my place was packed and Bobby Lee and Joe Rogan were throwing money at me I was so broke I actually picked up got $27 on the stage I was so happy I had a grandma blow and a pack of cigarettes I'm good from taking out my dick that success Jack yeah I ain't mad at this boy plus I'm getting 15 next Friday Joe Joe showed me a photo at the Brea improv of you and in the bathroom with a girl and I've never seen so many veins on a penis he's crazy yeah do you remember that yeah your penis is so veiny do you like it I know but you like the veins and all that what the [ __ ] Robb's I'm not gonna make you funny yeah good congratulations with all the Bloods coming through yeah yeah yeah Joey used to do this with just every night he did this he'd go home you get where would he sleep where would you sleep in the bathtub yeah I remember yeah hello at the sleep apnea yeah with Ashley apnea and he'd have the shower on right yeah I lived in the college oh it's so weird it's so weird that you could buy a house in Woodland Hills paid two million dollars and after 15 minutes you run out of hot water like what I paid three mil for to run out of hot water right yeah I lived maybe four blocks away I lived on 1440 North Schrader you don't live in there anymore Nia that building has been there since Jesus left Chicago yeah I could go in the shower at 1:00 in the morning put the hot water on and wake up at 8:00 in the morning and still have hot water and the paint would be peeling off the [ __ ] boy yeah because I had sleep at me and that's the only way I could sleep was if I took town law p.m. I'd pop like six of them I do like an eight ball and pop six tiles off the ends and [ __ ] go in the tub put a garbage can a garbage bag on the pillow that's how bad my sleep apnea oh my god and I would sleep in the tub and that's the old rag again like six I would get up and my skin would be like a [ __ ] prune Wow you know what Whitney Houston diner no she didn't diet okay wow that's a lot a drowning ring she died because she went into a hot tub after she did a line of coke and because she was so coked up she couldn't feel the intensity of the heat what kind of hot tub is this this is what a lot of people don't know he don't know no I watched I always watch that [ __ ] the last 24 hours that's my [ __ ] I just watched James Gandolfini and I watched the first 25 minutes to see if it was real if they would release the cocaine reports and they did I'm like I hope I go hold on don't change this yet I want to see if this show is real and sure enough they were like would while people to know about James Gandolfini was he snorted with three hands he was like nine rehabs a lot of people didn't know that I've even told you when I got when I shot grudge match yeah the big rumor was that the week before Sean Penn was shooting a movie in New Orleans again the Feeny had one day on the set one day they were gonna shoot him out in one day and that night he went to a strip club and he cancelled they couldn't find them he said he got roofied at the strip club yeah I've been there like [ __ ] I'm not going to work today yeah and they said on the show that he has a couple times he wouldn't show up for four days in a row and I worked with a guy that was heavy in The Sopranos they told me you don't know how many times he came on the set did Josh just went to sleep on the floor pillow and we just go let me sleep in our didn't he die with his son what is something really sad baby if I ever die don't spin it I won't spend not just why not just tell people what the kids the way I died is gonna be is gonna be mysterious why don't be a little weird I don't know I mean I'll probably die like just you know watching old Jay he's super emo so he'll probably document some thing where he like goes off into a trailer in Portland he'll have some like weird a moment like music a Red House Painters playing the back it's a black-and-white film yeah he'll do the whole thing I'll do the whole thing yeah but just don't paint a different picture on reality baby your parents my parents are still around my dad had a stroke though how's he doing he can't talk which is cool you know I mean he can only say I love you and that's a you know for my dad to say I love you and still be around he used to be a violent man I have talked about it on the podcast and I didn't like him for many years but I love the man and I'm he's still around he my violent was he disobey disciplined you would assert well I used to beat me at golf clubs okay yeah yeah turned out okay punch my mom's mouth a bunch of time you can't I do yeah she lost a bunch of teeth but it's an old culture Korea that's an okay you know it's funny I was telling Steve Simone about two weeks ago we were talking about having been there seven days I lived on a block where two women every time you saw get [ __ ] they were getting jacked by the husbands mmm and nobody said nothing yeah in the seventies and eighties domestic violence is just one of those [ __ ] things and I mean let me tell you something one of the scariest things I ever saw was one you know those holiday seasons from the 27th to 25th of the 31st one of those nights when I was about 13 me and my mom were in the kitchen and my stepdad was sleeping and we heard a banging on the door and my mom goes hold on one second you know she wasn't got a knife it was like one of the [ __ ] morning and I mean I can't remember the sec it was yesterday opening that door and that woman was just covered in blood and I she had like the house and she's like please take me from this and he was chasing my god as we were pulling her in she was chasing her my stepdad came down with a gun and pointed at the guy and that's how we got rid of the [ __ ] guy oh my god and we brought the woman in he had turned cigarettes out of her eye whatever ever he was putting cigarettes out on her oh my god he was beating her and she was unconscious he was waking up with a cigarette that's how my yeah I was it was it was horrible that's how it was for my mom to her first husband because we grew up in the Philippines and my mom's Filipino and during a wedding and there are about 200 people at a wedding reception her ex-husband dragged her by her hair in front of all the wedding guests and not it was accepted people it was an ugly taboo word there's no ashtrays back then I would have made a bunch of money about with the ashtray maker I still remember my mother hole in [ __ ] glass out of her life he hit her in the head with a vase but he had been beating her for like you know ten years every time you saw she had a bruise on it but that memory has stayed with me forever my mom when she opened her mouth and she had two teeth missing did my dad punch them out I still have that memory in my head and that's why I'm so good to women now I know I'm good - it could go either way though because the cycle could keep repeating cuz that's so no I I said to myself back then I got you know I know it's not my world yeah I'm not ever gonna hear me buddy especially a woman because I'm I love my mom I was so sympathetic toward her - yeah and to see somebody that I loved and that's why I had such a deep resentment toward my dad but you know it is cultural it's you know it's the time period but I think things are changing in that way where I think it's getting better for everyone you know I don't you think don't you feel that or no yell now you down line one more right right it was a time you just close your window mind your business you know it's interesting you asked me a question I'm away on the elevator I didn't want to get into it with you on the elevator because it was a question on the elevator you asked me if that was my only daughter yes my answer is no I have a 27 year old but what you lied it's not in lie I just didn't want to open up the conversation with those [ __ ] three idiots on I don't know that's an okay talking front of people I won't say no front of nobody okay my bad I don't know all those people tell me about your 27 year old daughter the 27 year old daughter and me haven't spoken since she's like that but what I was three I knew what time it was already I knew that they didn't want me around her white side of the family hmm I could see it already and then though I started packing it and one of those things she said that really like like I had to take piss test even though she would come to the house and take weed out of the refrigerator I was selling weed she would come in the house with the spare key when we were separated and take weed but she went to the judge and said you know he smokes pot and they made me piss in the [ __ ] thing thank God I knew the probation department and they wouldn't test me for weed they would test me for coke and everything else but they wouldn't test me for weed so I would continue to smoke weed but that's the hypocrisy I knew this woman for a long time yeah but then another time we went to court and in court she said that one time I had broken her nose until this day I'm not cool with her and one of the reasons why I'm not cool is yes I was at pretty [ __ ] I did some bad things when I was growing up but I copped to all of them I don't like when people make [ __ ] up but I just went home in March and some kid I went to my seventh grade teachers bar he had his own he owns a bar now he's like 70 and the kidding that pulled me outside talk to you myself because many years ago you got accused of something the kid who robbed it came clean and he knows I always knew you didn't rob it I always when I was in trouble I was such a piece of [ __ ] that I would get accused of shot even do yeah and I'd learned to live with it because that's the reputation I had if Bobby Lee's house got house got robbed I get the blame Bobby would blame it had to be Joey and it's joy to be in La Jolla and that would get the blame that's what I fear about him because he tells so many stories like sexual deviance is like in the past that I feel like anyone could fabricate a story and be like yeah that would that would be in line with what he's done in the past so I always tell him to just be extra on the same way but I'll tell you the truth yeah yeah I don't like I don't like what's going on today yeah I don't like that a woman came out three weeks ago and said Tom sighs no more molest her when she's 11 and that's the reason why she does drugs did you guys see that in there no no that could happen to anybody do you want any one of us just that word on a piece of paper we don't get any more work yeah yeah we're gonna the Mall of America following Jeremy Piven that's what that's what it happened yeah that's what happens before I accuse you of something I'm gonna be a hundred percent [ __ ] sure and I'm gonna have a witness or something you cannot accuse me without a witness a tape of film I want to see it I want to see it when the three-five before my daughter daughter was born I met a woman that flappers one night she's very casually in the back she was like that she did something for flappers and I didn't know [ __ ] man come on we looked at range what am I gonna do with a girl bad I got 55 year-old nuts they look like they're 55 where young girls suck them I wouldn't get no satisfaction on jaywalking somebody's world up I'm just [ __ ] somebody's one time Rogen asked me do you ever have a girlfriend that committed suicide no but if anybody's suck my dick I'd kill myself we've gone through comedy hell like it's disgusting and you know I fingered an Indian chicken Boise Idaho one time on the dance floor I was fingering her she had a yeast infection happened you know I took my hand and it was covered in yoghurt how the [ __ ] can I just say there's a better way to do that and when next time when a mic one one of my guests a special guest like this right he's talking and he's in a [ __ ] you know in the rhythm of life right and you pull out one of those things he's the producer he's gonna do that don't give me a beat I know but you know man and now just a quick moment from our new spot away away away first-class luggage and a coach price let me tell you guys something when I travel with Bobby he's often a gentleman but one thing he will never do is help me out with my luggage you're a woman and you have to do your thing gender role the good news is I now travel with away luggage and I don't need his assistance because this thing is super lightweight it's pince it has one of those fancy wheels that like do a 360 and when I have to throw it over the overhead compartment I don't struggle anymore I hate those old-school ones that like feel like I you know what I mean if it charges your devices this thing so definitely get it guys think it'll show the audience look like boom so like she can lift it up and put it away herself dang girl and for $20 off a suitcase visit away travel.com belly and use the promo code belly during checkout away first-class luggage at a coach price these are my people you gotta [ __ ] we got a pile in the whole month if I was Asian I'd make white people bow I love that we everybody thinks Bruce Lee stuff Bruce Lee wasn't about being tough yeah Bruce Lee was a light too hypocrites before 1960 [ __ ] hate everybody that was any other color but white you walked around like in the shadows you walked around like Harvey Weinstein in the shadows yeah after Bruce Lee came he opened up the door to immigrants immigrants had a voice especially [ __ ] Asians yeah agent like [ __ ] with me now [ __ ] I got an uncle who's got stars [ __ ] your world up yeah Asians had a way that's improve was yes Lee was a hope for people black people went crazy how many black people do you ever see that think they Chinese yeah rice with chopsticks and [ __ ] when he infused into the hip-hop okay [ __ ] them up those black people got [ __ ] up by kung fu movies yeah if you grew up in the early 70s you love bro my mother took me to a Santeria dude because I kept saying I'm moving to Asia machines the white shirt with the buttons all dog I had the white shirt with the blue or black with the shoes I used to [ __ ] burn incense in my room and my mom would a bowl of rice all I want is right you can't eat rice any rice all day you got to eat meat yeah yeah meat rice you show me a fat [ __ ] [ __ ] look at me right yeah now you don't talk to your daughter now then stealth yeah very painful no but does she know you exist yes how - this girl is 27 year old girl out there this knows that you exist absolutely knows your name absolutely right so and I had contact with her till they yanked out of the country into the tan wind and every time I remember I got a Taco Bell commercial now I went home and she kept telling me she's too busy to see what the [ __ ] is she so busy how old is she in that when she was 8 7 the torture started when I was about what she was about to she told me she was moving into her mother's house she ended up moving in with a guy in my neck of the woods that's [ __ ] cause for murder weird when you smile slit your throat and you smile I have to be honest I know you're being honest right now but with her eyes and stuff yeah yeah it's yeah so I put up with it I had tolerated it and I had the two felonies so I had to behave myself because the third one they'll say you're uh and the boyfriend called me a [ __ ] one day and I [ __ ] the [ __ ] face I said he's going down and guess what you can't use this a racial slur in this city limits a boulder so they threw it out of court but after I Dan saw her crying in the car and I'm like she doesn't need this what I bring to the table what what I was bringing to the table at that time it was just I was making everybody's life and me and my wife were just not gonna get along yeah I came to I was getting the five hours a week and every other Sunday that's no [ __ ] achieving came to me and said I want you to change a name because people don't like Spanish people in this neck of the woods it was [ __ ] brutal yeah I dealt with it but today how I pacify myself is saying that I I gave a life to get a life even saying I lost a daughter to become a comedian but hold on that she's still alive she's still alive and that you will not talk to me we don't know yet though no I've reached that it doesn't listen I just want you I know but let me just be the voice of reason here okay here's the app cuz I was at you're about to die I love you though but um here's the book I'm being real right now and um you know I'm a liar I'm a deceiver and I I do shadowplay sometimes but every once tomorrow there's truisms when I say things truisms and i'm very real and you're gonna have a real moment right now okay honest to god out of all the comics I've met especially an art class of guys cuz you're in the same classes I know I don't look young if people think that I'm in my twenties still but we're in the same class okay you you're you you're probably one the best souls I've met I mean you and I I've always just you're an honest guy your your hard worker and you're a nice guy and it's a shame that there's your daughter's out there and she doesn't get to know the great Joey Diaz I think you're a great guy and I think it's a loss for her you know I think I would really wish that she reached out to you and and develop the relationship because you're a great guy also I know this for a fact too is is that because I've asked around is Joey Diaz a good father to his five-year-old daughter yeah you guys go to the park I talked to her the other day when I called you remember you can't go talk to uh say hi to um your Uncle Bobby as you can hi she said hi Uncle Bobby right this guy's legit dude I guess anybody really hurts my feelings that she'd that happened I got a second chance okay do you know what that's like I'm like yeah I've had third chances yeah yeah I mean to have a second chance I got to have a kid at 50 that's incredible so what was controlling the card Buddha Jesus I think whether the [ __ ] is controlling the cards the big picture yeah replace that gap in my life yeah for right now I'm cool when I go to devaron conform I do not get in the car and go to Boulder because I know me you know you still haven't asked me why I didn't go to the memorial Mitzi shore why do those I know me because I know me well we'll wait I know I don't know but God we need I need to ask a couple of more questions yeah okay you were not at the memorial at MIT's Shores oh you were in town yes yeah why didn't you go because I knew him it's he wanted hmm let's he wanted me to go down and smack two [ __ ] that's sure okay I get we're saying bets he like controversy yeah yeah it's he loved all that [ __ ] yeah and guess what what I'm bad if you remember Malan what team is when I went off on Jeff oh yeah oh yeah mother's funeral there was a fistfight the first night and when I was a kid a kid died in the eighth grade and there was a huge brawl and don't come to my funeral so I don't do well if you the words I'm the type of guy that go hey may I talk to you for a second didn't you [ __ ] torture Bobby Lee when he's alive get the [ __ ] out of here before I stab you in the neck I play security guard at funerals that's how I was right that's right I was right the way you're raised that's how I was right there was another name Marilyn Martinez another one yeah it's weird remember we boyfriend David yes ma'am oh please you know how many pills I got that gave that guy oh my god me too one that I called him at 3:00 in the morning he had him over just for two pills yeah he said oh you give me his toupee yeah one time he cried because then she lived in silver like as well yes right I lived in silver like I Drive over it I'm drugged out right and I've give to give this guy [ __ ] drugs oh my god poor David cancer he died cop we is at the Maryland he went down his sister used to call me from time to time as oh my god so behaved I don't know ever Maryland died first and David died August maybe two years later Marilyn Martinez ever and if people don't probably know who she is but um she was a part of our class as well yeah and she was this older Latino lady and she was just think of a Hispanic Rosanna type of a girl loud funny a pure heart she got me you know she's the one that said wait till men see see oh yeah yeah I submit her at the Laugh Factory Latino tonight Wow Monday nights when it was the hottest night that Tuesday night and Monday night before was mo better Monday's it was something else those were hottest nights in town they were yeah it was the black man on Tuesday night Tuesday official tour on it what was freaky Mon Frankie Monday was at The Improv Monday was the in problem two Tuesday was armed I forgot what I was called mandatory yeah those guys yeah I saw Richard Pryor there one night on stage I saw Cedric there at the ferry first I never heard of Cedric the Entertainer I loose I saw him on Tuesday nights in the main room my brother and I Steve was with me and Polly Gus did watch this black eye he's pretty funny and never seen Cedric I was sitting there like and I'm like he comes on I remember it was Steve and I were on her knees because we were laughing so [ __ ] hard like we couldn't breathe you know he he was a big guy Cedric he's a big guy but he was physical it was just something about his like physicality and how we used the space that was so [ __ ] funny but um yeah man Asian Nights never really took off she's taking off yeah yeah killing the game yeah I just saw the beginning of the special she says there's a rumor going around then every agent in town is here tonight all of us yeah let me ask you about Netflix now you have a half-hour yes you did it already no no jewel for June 4th shouldn't I shouldn't they have given you an hour let me tell you sir no let me tell you something let me tell you something to it okay and you don't have to speak I'll speak okay and I I'm on love I mean I you know I don't know Netflix at all I would love to be in business with them one day it's a great company but let me just say this is is that I know that you showcased a couple of times for them and then I had heard through the end this could be wrong that they weren't really gonna give you a special and then they gave you a half-hour and I just want to say this is that regardless of that you're a [ __ ] monster you are a genuine monster of a comedian I've seen you you're one of those guys that if I have to follow you I literally would be scared I would do it and I'll be able to handle myself professional you know I mean but let me tell you this it would be like all right how are you gonna open I guess I would have to strategize it all right I'm gonna not tell a joke in the first 45 seconds all right I'm gonna just get try to get the audience you know I mean I would have to think it through sometimes I wanna mostly when IFIF that followed somebody at the Comedy Store I don't think about it I just go up and just do it you know but this guy is a genuine beast and to me it's a given right but you know but congratulations on the 30 minutes in Bobby okay I know did you ever see Molly's game the father talked to the daughter and he goes I did a couple things right like that's all you do in your life we do a couple of things right everything else we do is [ __ ] wrong think about how long we become fuck-ups more how long will we fuck-ups what we did and but think of it that what main is going to the comedy store what made us showcase of mitzi what made us gonna be improv that Tuesday and Budd Friedman was gonna be there we made some good choices I'm lucky just to be him it's Netflix said no do you think I would go home and crying I wouldn't give a Frenchman [ __ ] I know but at 55 just the fact I don't know but I'm selling tickets I'm still at the comedies no no no that I have a daughter but I don't do drugs yes yes don't smoke reefer I love my reefer do what you gotta [ __ ] xanax I'll pop that [ __ ] on a double frame the tiger watching her but yeah sometimes you need edible you get anxiety the [ __ ] data can I guess you won't get anxiety I'm very happy you found him saying I'm grateful whatever together I'm full I don't want to just say that's gonna just say this say it all right no quiet out [ __ ] now because I'm gonna tell you this right now okay it's like this it's like um you know I don't know these kids that get these things what's fine I'm happy for everyone that gets it okay but there are just certain people right that it's just a given all right you did 25 years of time into this thing all right and you were always in it you were never like some of these guys yeah I I went away for ten years I came back you know doesn't that this guy was like me we were in the pocket when do I always see you why because it's not because I mean I like seeing you but it's because you and I have never quit we never quit yeah we're always just oh there he is he's just a part of my reality because him and I are both guys that refuse to leave the game got nowhere to go we'll like rich again all over the world you would have somewhere to go you would have gone already nobody here puts up with this [ __ ] abuse who puts up with this people choosing us Netflix not giving you a special but you following Paul Mooney for a year who the [ __ ] today to decide that's why I was so lucky you and I have right that no other kind one meal are you ready for this you know what you and I are one why are you have the air force you have my name is we are the Navy SEALs [ __ ] gets danger danger she gets danger love the Navy SEALs okay real Mitzi shore hand-picked us that'll never ever happen again so who the [ __ ] is anybody to judge me is there a picture of me random prophecy not really there's not a pig you don't see me and on any shows getting interviewed by Conan you know I've come to know the thing that's interesting yeah I go to Facebook right or my Instagram whatever social media and I'll scroll through like you know these younger guys on Conan and all these Jimmy Kimmel all these things that's great and then it always in my backup hands like I wanna show now right Network so they have that up front every year to year two up front so you've had so far right - yeah do they invite Bobby now they have never been there and all they talk about is diversity and yeah I mean I'm on the show which is great that's good and that was great but you know it's like relax just for laughs never been no but there you've never been a lot Montreal never never even they said they didn't like that which I did with my hand well you actual note Bruce Hill well I remember one year he came out to see me like six times and the last time was a sec distance is no way and I remember it might manager Abby I'm still with her shake yeah sweetie I'm sorry - no go again this year and just remember gone yeah he's a view but with a before 20-plus and who's left with Abby no one else loyal just you I've been with Matt Blake for as long as the same thing I don't leave my people that's amazing I'm loyal oh so that's it yeah I see people switching camps I don't like it I don't like really [ __ ] sponsor well what time's your spot 10:45 okay we got the four minutes couple more minutes okay and just another moment for another sponsor you guys we have a lot of fans that want to sell products on our podcast but we're very picky and choosey and the ones that we want to do are the ones we use actually and we use rebels refinery I use this anti-wrinkle moisturizer you can still get it at Target and you know people go how come you don't know your wrinkles and people know me because these agent know I use this I use this this anti-wrinkle moisturizer it hydrates any entra antique rides Carly use it too right I do I use this face wash I shouldn't like it because it singles and it makes me feel also I've actually given a lot of they have really cool lip balms they have the ones in the well they have this one which comes in a skull but they also have ones that are shaped in pineapples and that dude that lip balm is so good like legit tastes like you want to eat the whole thing just eat it so we hear a tiger belly think rebels refinery is easily the best men's grooming brand for the price on the market they also have the greatest lip balms like kilala was talking about for women and men it's available exclusively at all target locations and if you want to order online you can also use the code tiger belly for 20% off go the hell out of the near what let's just go to your nearest target location you fools rebels refinery check it out so alright so Joey you got a half hour also can I just say this I here's another thing this is that you and I are similar in this way also is that we get like three or four lines in a movie you know like I remember like I watch that movie taxi not taxi driver but the Jimmy Fallon Queen Latifah TV right you're in that movie right yeah and I remember going watching the movie going the only thing I remember is Joey Diaz being in it he's so funny or spider-man yeah do you remember spider-man yeah the first one yeah you read the second one I mean suck you're in that 14 days one line yeah Rick and pomegranate juice smoking dope in my green room oh yeah two weeks in one line Joey you're too big to be hanging out in the trash oh yeah go to the green room when I booked that it was one day yeah and then they call me in June they go call it war Joe when I went to wardrobe done you start working next room what are you talking about good July 31st I'm like yeah those are the good old days they don't know they let you sit for two days or you're like in your trailer and you fall asleep for like seven or eight hours and you open your eyes you don't know where you are and did you get a knock and some nerd we're not gonna use yeah yeah yeah you're like wow that was [ __ ] great yeah lobster tails Oh spider-man - laughs long Friday and why people still beating salads and apple pie I mean lobster tails - no I got 19 lobster tails shoving lobster tails every pocket have you ever done a movie where they didn't even you were in even in it at all we're like they cut it out I think I just did that I did that movie about Howard Hughes my pretty gangster but I was on my trailer when they call and the two gangsters sat in the booth so I sent across from Alec Baldwin yeah and I think they cut it out cuz nobody said a minute they saw I got a check it's so funny how I get my said your checks for movies I'm not even in yeah Wow like I get checks for some reason but then I get my checks too and I catch them more the same I did that movie Paul I know I mean that director's cut or whatever but in the original cut I remember like you know leaving the driving away from that scene going wow that was really good I made everyone laugh you know I mean and you get really pumped up yeah and you tell people about it I mean that new silent movie right and it comes out and they go like you weren't in it and you're like oh [ __ ] my bad when you text me your address the other day yeah I'm not gonna repeat it yeah I echo I know the street I just don't know where this and I looked it up I go this is my own code illustrate you used to stay open till 2:00 to 11 p.m. to two to three hours 11 a.m. oh wow that's Long Island it's wrong from 4:00 to 7:00 so you couldn't call him he never does sell coke from 47 yeah but it's tip top hour and then he then he shortened my curfew till 1:00 if you don't have no cash it's one well if you got cash it's two if you're fronting you got the one I would leave La Jolla comedy store at a quarter to twelve yeah and I would get right here I could do La Jolla in an hour and 15 and our toilet I do 90 or 80 all the way to the border yeah but they asked you to stop for fruit therefrom that ever I do a hundred a hundred a hundred no registration no insurance barely brake pads that's pretty that participatory action I remember one time I was in my hotel our hotel room in San Diego like by Tijuana and it was like 2:00 p.m. I was sleeping in this hotel room and I get a call and they go why are you what are you at the table read and I was so drugged out right cuz I had just gotten pills from Tijuana I'm gonna have a table read how [ __ ] embarrassing is that I'm so drugged out I can't even make it to a [ __ ] Network table read for shower so I did a movie I booked a movie called pizza and bullets it was horrible and they had the girl from The Godfather but I went and shot the first scene and I'm like I'm not going back you did it and the next day I have a 6:00 a.m. corn I got coked up to the gills and they came knocking on my daughter Janna and I grabbed the kid threw me [ __ ] they call the cops it was just terrible oh wow don't you want to be in this movie I'm like I never want to be in your [ __ ] movie again the casting director called me said he never booked me all everybody [ __ ] Pete simple and tell him that I was a [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] yeah the director called me and I yelled at him and now the directors trying to be my friend on Lincoln the [ __ ] am rob him I don't even have Lincoln them but I saw his name I'm like Leila's [ __ ] creepy dude I know you got to go but I can ask one more question ok cuz you have to go but um so when you left the store where did you go for those 3 or 4 years 7 years 7 years I did the brain improv the second weekend but would you go up at nights in LA anywhere improv your lead rope sorely missed I had to do that you have to do that once in a while yeah if you if you start in Ohio if you start a Columbus Ohio and the guy likes you you're gonna MC for two years then you're gonna feature for about four years and then one day he's gonna let your headline Thanksgiving New Year's Day yeah and then eventually you're gonna get a weekend and then that guy's gonna come to you and go after about the seven year mark eight year mark he's gonna look and go you got a shit-or-get-off-the-pot you either gonna stay here and be a [ __ ] a Mook comic or you go that way I can't do nothing else with you I had been at the store from 97 from February 97 to whatever the [ __ ] I disappeared yeah mm I don't know six seven I saw the writing on the wall yeah I saw it it was time for Milli yeah I take sign from the universe okay okay there's people that don't see it sometimes I'm supposed to be somewhere I got surgery I had a fat ball in my neck that would get really small II wanna come read ball factory right here they had a break my [ __ ] collarbone only did to take the fat ball out and when they took it a [ __ ] it's a fat ball I guess I ball of fat with no cancer oh the doctor that came to me and he goes do you want to see it I'll never forget this no money yeah I want to see it and he brought it in a jar when I looked at it I go that's the evil from The Comedy Store like you know when you book a movie and you somebody comes in he says congratulations Bobby you were great and you walk away don't look at the other guy go [ __ ] that [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] so all that [ __ ] that happens I felt it it was a time when there was weird people there they didn't like rogue and was doing 45 minutes on Friday yeah didn't like they didn't understand that he bought a sound system that dice had bought a sound system they didn't understand and I just thought it was time to move on I just wanted to say welcome back yes okay it's really good to see you back it's good to see each other okay hold on let me tell you something else okay let me tell you why I went back why just so you know I work on science I got the call from had him on the Friday that that [ __ ] still not Tommy wasn't day no more and he was taking over the store when I consider coming back and I said I'll call you next week let me think about it and I had a colonoscopy that's when they stick a cameo your ass and that night I stayed up drinking that [ __ ] [ __ ] the [ __ ] lately and you drink it and the movie was on that movie would Peter Sellers being their favorite I watched that movie and I said that's a sign for Marilyn to go back to the store the [ __ ] do you want that don't leave yet yes no that's a true story oh that was God that was God that was Marilyn Malan was the one in her deathbed that in the middle of a rant in the middle of a rant about Jesus and then if she got beat the cancer she was wasn't gonna work dirty again in the middle of the rent she stopped and looked at me and she goes Joey you gotta stop doing coke and I probably stopped three weeks later I went for an interview for a movie and they told me we really want you for this movie but we understand you have a drug problem we don't have a big budget I was so embarrassed that somebody else knew about my little secret I'm like I can't do this no more and I was about 44 and I read somewhere that John Gotti had taken over the Gambino crime family when he was 45 so I said I gotta do something when I'm 45 and I've been clean from coke for ten years well yeah if God he could take over again me those in 45 I had to do some of my life 45 no no we do this thing at the end where we do our show you get somos you got us almost yeah bro we're talking this is home the heart here this ain't no [ __ ] okey doke podcast I don't do podcast either I know that it's a no that's why I'm saying I call me okie I love you I love you too now we do this thing called unhelpful advice we'll do it really quickly we have a email and then we give suggestions and then we'll end it okay go ahead I'm hopeful bus with Bobby kilala a Joey cocoa Diaz my father-in-law equals amazing loving supportive and love seeing him always his wife / mother-in-law equals attic booze pills cigarettes cigarettes and weed for years we've been bid our tongues to try to include my husband's mother in our exciting life milestones his dad's always there and supportive but his mother in her condition has added nothing but stress and frustration to our lives events and holidays we're now expecting our first child and I do want I do not want her at the hospital or even around the first couple of weeks until I am comfortable with the new motherhood and if she is sober she makes me anxious and is a mess I don't want our exciting next chapter to have a horrible memory of her actions like our wedding did we do love and want my husband's father around whatever he wants to be he's amazing but they come as a pair quite often how do we approach the newborn time I would hate to rob my father-in-law of his first moments as a grandfather because of her actions well the leader out Mimi we Toronto we get there that's a tricky one that's not a tricky one you go hey Dad you call it mom you're out no father and lost cool mother-in-law is batshit crazy they want to bring dad and father-in-law for all family festivities but not mom in law but they come as a duo they don't come as a duo well it I understand that but the thing is is that when people think that they come in pairs it's like if I was in my drug addiction right I was using and Claude didn't leave and she was told she would leave but what if she didn't leave right and then I you were invited a wedding and I wasn't I'm well aware of I'm like yeah that's why because I'm a [ __ ] [ __ ] up yeah I would I would set boundaries and be clear about how you feel about her that's just says that's the only solution to this well that was a great episode um we let's take a photo and give Joey Diaz a round of applause everybody doing any dates for everyone to look out for nothing I'm shooting the special when I'm taking time off on a collusive casino June 17th I got Vegas July 14th and I got [ __ ] Utah the last week in June July that's it there you go guys thank you guys for having me on the podcast we'll be right we'll be right back guys with some housekeeping and we are back Wow Joey he's so emotional got me got me Terry yeah for a second he reminds me so much of like his life trajectory he reminds me so much of my dad you know my dad had two daughters before like from his first marriage and you know my dad had a really you know he had done some fucked-up things too later on his life but then he had a second chance and then he had us and he was the greatest dad ever scary but great and he shows for Bobby Bobby will be at in Seattle at parler live in Bellevue June 7th through 9th I believe and the following weekend after that punchline in San Francisco you can go to Bobby Lee live.com for all his dates after that I also wanted to make another announcement on your lap yeah so I've actually been fostering and bottle-feeding this four week old puppy as I mentioned last week yeah Ellen and Mike hi hi so I've been fostering this guy hashtag puppy fritter for May Day rescue so if you're interested in having a new member in your family go visit at Mayday rescue that's ma e da Y on instagram and fill out an application for this guy I don't get to choose or decide where he goes after i wean him off the bottles but you can turn in an application and hopefully get to meet puppy free puppy fritos gonna end up in this home so no you know those applications foster fail I love him but I want to continue to keep following your face right now and hit that like come on kalila I love you sorry my day I love you so much I love you anytime call the Fosters just keeps it I love you George what is the YouTube channels we have to don't we sir oh we know how about Tiger belly clips channel so go there for all your highlights needs very clear what our highlights give me an example of a highlights how did sir what our highlights Tiger belly comm highlights just like clips of previous episodes that like we like or are like yeah just the best parts of the the old episodes it's fun to watch the old stuff thing we were different back then I was I was really just nervous I still am but really just like my jaws were always really tight like their face was more matte I think I said man I was like no it's my man now ma tte come on guys my skin's going through some shine just kidding cuz kalila everyday it's like am i shiny I'm like you are not shiny you're fine no I think they changed a formulation of my favorite BB cream and now it's like super oily and I want to write a letter to my congressman about it that's all I'm saying thank you / tiger belly clips and a speaking of yeah good we have the custom URL and then a speed of a BB cream speaking of BB cream you're not a sponsor you know who a sponsor is kalaiy was holding it right now rebels refinery you guys we've actually had the great pleasure of using a ton of their products over the last couple weeks and let me tell you like it's legit and I also really like just the branding and their packaging so packaging and oh when do you send us the first box we fought over like all the stuff all these we did and Gilbert took your freaking hair product you don't know you took the soap and then I went out to Target to get my own well here's your [ __ ] slave George George there's no [ __ ] I know I'll go I did take all the lip balms because I have teenagers living with me and I have my mom with really chapped lips and I get really chapped lips so I took all the lip balms so you guys are sorry that I support a fellow Tiger Riley listener by every go to Target buy stuff there go online to get some others too with the promo code Tiger belly to get 20% off also another shout-out to our other sponsors away travel calm awesome luggage over there in suitcases so make sure you go away travel calm / belly and use the promo code belly that's B e ll Y and also don't forget the slept King and slept Queen's favorite mattress Lisa and you can go to Lisa calm oh sorry guys I just had a brain fart cuz I haven't had a nice mattress in a while but that's why I should purchase a Lisa mattress at least calm / belly that is Lisa calm / belly and also quick merch update we are getting samples of our merch soon so you'll see us wearing that a cup in a kind of few couple weeks and then merch should come out pretty soon so be on the lookout for that anything else I meant to do a shout out shout out a reverse shadow no no real shot I don't do a reverse once anymore I'm sternness also I wanted to thank everyone for giving me recommendations for my TMJ pain so I took all their suggestions I went to go see a dentist and then I went to go see another crappy dentist and then I started massaging my face and then I think I'm just gonna live with this pain for the rest of my life yeah yeah I think that I probably need to get a mouth guard but that I'm probably gonna have intermittent pain for the rest of my life I can't wear headphones anymore I was that way you don't put them on mm-hmm it hurts me so badly as a matter of fact after I did Tom Segura and Cristina's podcast your mom's house that I was suffering for five days after that because I didn't want to you know I wanted to put the headphones on because I don't want to be like I don't want to hear the headphones you know so yeah I was in so much pain afterwards so no more headphones for me oh don't get sponsors that are had but if there was a sponsor that was like you know headphone cake beats if you want to send us headphone enjoys I was lying my job will be fine yeah yeah yeah I can suck dick again George or Clara we can follow you in all social media at MIDI K and George we can follow you on Instagram George underscore Kim oh and all for your Bobby Lee needs you can go to Bobby Lee live.com and if you would like to you know just support us just make sure you follow us on instagram at tiger belly twitter at the tiger valley and emails any questions or unhelpful advice at the tiger belly at gmail.com [Music]

Channel: TigerBelly

Views: 1,522,511

Keywords: tiger belly, tigerbelly, bobby lee, khalyla, gilbert galon, podcast, khalyla kuhn, tgrbly, all things comedy, joey diaz, church of what's happening now, the church, lee syatt, joe rogan, theo von, this is not happening, stand up, special, netflix, coco, #350 - Bobby Lee, comedy, mitzi, shore, comedy store, taxi, conan, socially unacceptable, savage moments, laugh factory, #602, The Church Of What's Happening Now: #602

Id: poj9bnl5mq0

Length: 69min 52sec (4192 seconds)

Published: Thu May 24 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/MrRodriguez2you]

“If I was Asian I’d make ‘white people’ bow”.
Goddamn it Joey, lol.

[u/Borborygme]

Joey was as good a guest as I hoped he would be, great episode.

[u/HeyEatMyShit420]

Im gay for bobby