Ep. 48 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bobby Lee

you know my dad told me a story once any i don't know if this is true or not yeah because do you know what japanese used to do to us i go no because i'm a kid yeah and you're like eight i'm eight and you're like lollipop they used to hang according on by the angle with the rope but below they take a big big pot of boiling water then they dunk they don't carry on in [Music] [Music] roberto it's great to have you here hello thank you for sitting in thank you so much i have to say thank you so much for the opportunity thank you so much i'm being grateful thank you for the opportunity i'm looking forward to it i did some research i'm a big fan of the show yeah and um i was a little panicky i just wanted because i had i wrote a opening monologue and i'm going to say it now yeah yeah it was a little panicky because um i know that you and bert are um real men right because they're thick thick not not with the cc you know i mean the old school thick yeah ck you're right right right and you guys are um into hunting i don't know what you're hunting whatever it might be you know me you guys drink like black coffee and you guys are into oak resin and knowing the difference between otters beavers and porcupines and the differentiate their different animalia and amelia kingdom this is your assessment of just fat white guys well no i don't know i just because the only thing i know about the show is this and so you're like oh it's a wilderness it's a wilderness yeah right and i panicked i'm like i gotta research but then i'm like [ __ ] it i'm not doing anything but how could you think that knowing bert and i that there's a show about something like that and not just two friends busting each other's balls you know i'll be honest with you um i know you more than i know the other one yeah yeah well there's the other one uh comes to my house twice he drinks a lot right how much a lot like it was like uncomfortable not not i mean i wouldn't call like he's not barfly no well the thing is that like his tolerance is through the roof right so he's not like charles bukowski no chloe but but you but very close but but you were you did take note like oh wow that's a lot to take you i go i don't think i would go on the road with him i don't think that i would like be on a um island with him you know i i think that things would happen sure like i would sleep and i hear and when you when you when the booze runs out a whole different guy would come out right and then i need trauma therapy afterwards oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like he you know he stuck it in this and he put me in this you know what i mean and in the marshmallows and the candy right and then the ping-pong balls flying out of my butthole yeah and i i have a you know paddle i can just play regular ping pong you know whatever yeah yeah you think that would happen i don't know you you you don't know with him so it's like i don't know but when you asked me to do this you know there was a panic you have to understand and with you um i know you and christy are been together for a long time i've met your kids yeah barely i've seen them right yeah i went hi like yeah yeah and um so i don't know you know i think i know you but we haven't real you know we're not the best of friends you know yeah i'd like to be i like dude i'd like to be let's make this episode without becoming a best friend yeah because that's a defense mechanism yeah by the way those are super cool gucci anyway um did you go to the store for them or did you order them online are they a pandemic purchase no i go to hawaii sometimes and you walked around the yeah well in maui right yeah i go to the four seasons yeah ooh big flicks thank you i don't stay there i stay at the ground widely oh okay yeah you'll shop at the four seasons yeah yeah i guess you get out there yeah no this four scenes too expensive yeah yeah that's where i stayed did you really stay at the four seasons i mean i did when i went there yeah yeah i started the ghetto one yeah with the water slides waterfalls are cool yeah but it's pretty ghetto it's still expensive though everything in hawaii is expensive oh my god i got one of those are you a big hawaii guy [ __ ] yeah dude you go live look at me you look what's up dog oh that's it i want like this keep it keep it loose keep it loose bruh you know yeah i go because um i know it's close and then also close it's like a six-hour flight well it's not here close it's not like you know burbank right right yeah but it's like closer than new york about the same it's exactly the same yeah yeah it's not close it's not close let me that again yeah on it the available with the oahu kawaii kawaii and those are the only ones okay yeah yeah and i go because i'm going in um october do magnum pi because i'm reoccurring on that show and so what's production going to be like because we have okay we haven't seen each other in a while um i got real lucky in that from the last time i saw you you did answer a couple of texts that was pretty exciting so this goes back to wanting to be friends like i've texted you before and like never gotten text back and then i see you and you go yeah i'll text you back and then you then you did after i called you out on it yeah well um i reverted back to my own behavior and um i haven't been testing people back at all i think i've burned a couple of bridges okay and um but i've texted you back but i'll tell you this you can feel comfortable with me knowing that if you don't text me back it's all right man um okay really yeah thank you i mean i i like it i'm literally not going to text you back now i like it it i want to do it because i want to do it because i honestly believe this is check it out so check it out we're like okay so you know i have to say that podcasting right in general has reinvented my career i believe yeah it's you really saved my life i don't know i don't know about that you're really good at it i just talk you're good at it there's no filter or whatever right part of why you talk about weird things you know what i mean yeah man i was molested and all that kind of stuff yeah i love it yeah yeah and i sucked you know what i mean yeah was that the disabled guy in high school yeah well i don't want to go for because i've said it so many times i know but is that who you believe yeah everyone knows that and you have to bring that back up but yeah that's who it was the guy was down down were you 9 10 11 i don't know and he was like teens no he was in his early 20s but i don't want to refer back to it and i know what you're trying to do and it's clever it's what white people do and it's clever what do white people do white people are clever they're crafty they oh oh oh no put on the cove at 19 huh just broke a [ __ ] chair and also bert sits here so it's very scary this is the first day with this chair oh it is oh thank god thank god i'm like if bert didn't do that to the chair i'm getting fat you're okay um but yeah so um i'm not i'm gonna let's go back so crafty white people or where are we going to no i want to get back but i don't even want to go i don't even want to go into crafty white people because um it's going to go back to the down syndrome and then it's going to i'm going to talk about again i don't know okay i'm never going to talk about ever again okay okay fair enough so anyway um podcasting has um reinvented youtube i know i know what i thought i was just trying i know and the thing is um is so you know the my podcasting family um i want to keep close to and i i really appreciate it because i think that without you without tom not burke yeah oh white guys look alike all white guys look alike it's [ __ ] racist that's [ __ ] racist i literally forgot so without um tom segura and you and brooke ricer and without um a couple of people i can't mention theo vaughn um um the red yep yeah and then also whitney and some of the this circle guys we [ __ ] you know um andy andy schultz and the stefano from new york i want to keep close um contact with you and i because i think that you guys helped me get to a place where um things are a little better for me and i appreciate it yeah that's why when you i was asked to fill in for a bird i didn't hesitate thank you for that you're welcome i mean i'll i'll tell you this i've always i've told you this before i've always enjoyed being around you i've always been a fan of you both on stage on screen and doing these podcasts and i wish i wish i got to hang out with you more i'm serious i've told you that every time that i've hung out with you that i wish i could hang out with you even more so i i thank you for coming but here's the good news what you want to hear the good news yeah you're hanging out with me more than most people right right now yeah so it's like i don't you know my my girlfriend is so mad no no she's just like you know she thinks that if i get the coven mm-hmm i'll just die immediately oh no no i'll get it and then my eyes will pop out and i'll go why don't you think that because you know when i get sick i get sick like from the regular flu or the cold you get really sick yeah and i also i'm a smoker and i'm not in the best health is your overall health poor i have high blood pressure and so i take blood pressure medication okay you really pop those bees you go blood pressure like is that always you always do it like that or is that like well i think that um i got blood i think blood pressure medication like is that a is that a thing now it's funny no okay if you you're calling it out i will address it okay no i'll address it okay okay i think that um it's when i was in my early 20s right yeah i met a girl and she goes you were born in korea and i go no i've never even been there and she's like you have an accent i go what i don't have an accent yeah that's an accent i'm having an accent right what the [ __ ] are you talking you know i look crazy right yeah yeah so then i started getting paranoid like maybe i do have an accent an asian accent so now i say blood you know i pronounce it oh yeah and it's it's all tied to that incident to the person saying that well yeah and then it's like as opposed to how i mean how would you lazily say blood pressure like like there would you say in a way that someone would think you would have an accent if you didn't enunciate it like that like say blood pressure blood pressure yeah i mean i know but but to that lady i would sound asian oh regardless because of my eyes or whatever i think i don't know sometimes it is weird though and i'm not saying it's about asian i'm saying any ever talk to somebody and you'll and you're in a conversation and you're noting and you're you're sensing a notable accent right like they could be like uh yeah uh the thing over the thing oh and you're like oh where are you from and they're like cleveland and you're like no no but like where where were you born and they're like cleveland yeah and you're like wait a minute so are your parents and they're like they're from cleveland too and you're like what are you doing right now like what is what's going on and they're like yeah i'm just why are you telling me i'm from somewhere i'm like okay man do i sound like that [ __ ] no you don't sound like i said blue there you go i sent something something yeah something small so also i'll tell you that i used to do constructions yeah yeah now that would be like the um unnecessary s is a tell someone could speak really clear english and say things mostly correct without a notable accent no no no no constructions right right but then when somebody throws an s on something yeah but not just one construction i'm doing a plural i understand i don't know you don't know because it's like i did a bunch of constructions now you're foreign to me okay all right all right all right you got it okay okay so where you from where were we born so i was born in san diego right seoul south korea i understand the capital okay so that's crazy where's it near the dmz like tell me a little more about it have you been to seoul now no i don't know i've been there yeah i've been there i did a um um a long like eight years ago i get a call from my uh korean guy yep he goes hey and i go what's up how'd you get my number if no people i know people that's what it says yeah i know people i know people i go okay so what's up my name is jyp you know what jyp is he's like the puff daddy of korea right so he like um all those you know blm what bts and uh that's joy jyp so you're talking about like the producer you're talking yeah you're talking about the huge uh pop groups right the korean pop he calls me this guy right and he goes hey you won't do music videos and i go what the [ __ ] i go what do music videos you wanna do it and i go do what music video who are you you google me google me he says i google them right i'm going oh [ __ ] this guy's legit so i call him back what's up yeah yeah yeah so he flew me out there jesus yeah so he flew my brother and i out there i go um he goes i give you i give it to the grand i go and i just played high ball i go what hotel am i staying at whatever you want to right yeah so i picked like the most i went to the w yeah in seoul because i liked it on the internet and i the next thing i know i was like in a silver costume with silver bell bottoms shooting this video yeah i have silver makeup with alien antennas is the video for bts no it was for a a girl group called wonder girls why okay can i ask you this real quick this is a sidebar why are the pop groups so significantly popular from korea it's like i mean in your opinion as opposed to you know like we're not hearing about about them from really other places it's like korea is the spot you have an opinion on it i do but um i'm afraid to say it no that's the best kind say it i don't know um it's uh well you know we're good we're just good people no no yeah yeah we're good people come on man what i know there's an interesting thought in here about from you just tell me it's not a good thing what i'm about to say but um you know i think that there's a sense of perfectionism when it comes to korean like because i think that because we were oppressed as a people in the japanese oh [ __ ] what i wrote down here least favorite asian so i wanted you to give me a list they're not my feet least favorite what's your least favorite i can't say it i i tell can i tell you why through the mic okay oh sorry can i tell you why yeah because what you're leading me down a path where papa's gonna get in trouble because what happened was 15 years ago right i said vietnamese are jungle asians right i don't mean it right right and i didn't mean it then right i just said it right that's what we do i know but i said it yeah next thing i know i'm going to the vietnamese news right and newspapers and apologizing crying please i'm sorry you know okay we got what i'm saying i know we got past them there's a bunch of other countries that we could talk about their people but i love every asian race no you don't i know let's start there i mean first of all you have real reasons with the japanese let's get into them for a little bit yeah well um well the japanese you know they oppressed our people for like 50 years and um they stole a rice yeah you don't steal the right you don't steal the rice that's [ __ ] up when you steal the rice it's [ __ ] up yeah and you know what asians we love it we don't know what it is about it it's small cute they're not your least favorite though yeah so what the my dad taught you know my dad told me a story once i don't know if this is true or not yeah but he told me one day um right before i went to sleep i was maybe eight because do you know what japanese used to do to us i go no because i'm a kid yeah and you're like eight i'm eight and you're like lollipop they used to hang according on by the ankle with the rope i go oh it's like a reverse you can't die that way right right it's like a reverse hanging yeah like we used to do you're like for fun yeah yeah that sounds fun yeah no he goes no no no no no they from a tree and i go oh but below they take a big big pot of boiling water boiling water i go uh and i'm sleeping like this yeah because then they dunk [Music] right and he goes good night yeah i didn't sleep that's why i have a hard time sleeping yeah because of the story my dad was the opposite with um for a year i mean you know i did it on stage but it was really true where i would be like you know when you're a kid a boy you use some fascination with like guns and things right and i would ask him these things and he'd be very like not really and then i know my dad was in the marine corps i knew he fought in vietnam so then i was like seeing movies and i'd be like what was that like he's like well you know i was lieutenant really wasn't like blah blah blah year after year i'd be like did you kill people in war and he was like it wasn't like that when you're a lieutenant you're in charge of the platoon and i was like okay yeah and then like this story i was like you don't have like any stories from being in a [ __ ] war yeah and then like like now he'll be like you just don't understand how good it feels when you see the enemy just blown apart you know really oh yeah oh my god he told me first of all a few years ago we talked about throwing grenades into bunkers and then just last week he was like i go so throwing a you know he's like yeah one of my guys threw a grenade and it was defective so it blew up and it killed him and i was like [ __ ] i go do you ever throw grenades he's like yeah so what we would do is we'd throw a grenade into like a bunker and it would shock people and then we would uh throw the tnt in there with like a i forget how he described it he goes there's no one left after that cool you know if i threw a grenade you know and you found like the shrapnel of the grenade you you know what you would find on it parts of my hand really yeah there's no way i'll be able to throw it really explode in my hand i'd be like why why wouldn't you be able to throw it i don't know i just feel like because i feel like you know there's a timing thing yeah and because imagine the pressure yeah because when you do the thing right i just feel like i'm gonna un i'd be so nervous that yeah yeah it'd be nerve-wracking yeah yeah my dad also does this thing it's different than like when you're a kid but like even now we'll meet up and then um it'll be at a dinner like a nice form like a nice restaurant or something he'll be yeah you know who died and i'll be like no yeah he's like my cousin i'm like smiling i'm like is everything okay yeah what do you want to get you want to spare a crab cake oh really i'm like what the [ __ ] are you doing oh he'll say uh you know that hospital near whatever highway i'm like yeah he's like yeah there was a patient in there and they accidentally injected her with um a toxic agent and she her insides melted and uh oh really she died so they're gonna she's gonna sue or her family's gonna sue yeah let's get diet coke and let's get a crap i'm that's how he like you know just has a nice but to tell a little kid about that is it's crazy yeah but my dad used to do the same thing kalila's uncle right kyle's uncle one day just took a machete you know as you do went to his brother as you do and chopped them in half really yes chopped them in half his own brother his own brother for what was the because it had something to do with real estate so i'm like what right is he in prison check it out so check it out so um she tells me that story and then i go to the philippines and so i'm out i'm hanging out with her family and her uncle has his arms around me some uncle mm-hmm and i go i like this guy and she's like that's the one that killed a machete guy i go she's out of prison and she's like yeah and i go you really did that yeah yeah and did he laugh or yeah he laughed and then he would follow me around and smile like hey how are you doing you know what i mean i'd be pretty good and but i was so nice to him because i don't want to get chopped yeah of course i mean yeah he killed his own brother like that yeah you you only serve like a couple weeks when you do that you know what's really why i was watching some of these prison shows uh netflix has a i forget one that's that's pretty good and they'll a lot of people [ __ ] i forget it's a it's an it's a it's a newer one like inside the world's toughest prisons or something and there's a guy who actually will go but a lot of people are talking to who murdered i guess we're just used to like murder here like you murdered someone in you know some part of russia or turkey yeah this is it and like the guy be like yeah yeah i murdered someone like how long are you doing he's like oh eight years and you're like eight years for killings that's crazy yeah like really light sentences this episode 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you use our link right now at expressvpn if you use my link right now at expressvpn.comcave you can get an extra three months of expressvpn for free that's expressvpn e-x-p-r-e-s slash cave what what about the [ __ ] who ate the white guy you hear about that wait we're talking about in canada hmm right i shouldn't say [ __ ] right well you can i forgot you're not supposed to say [ __ ] i mean like i said i think it's okay for you why why i don't if it's okay for you no not okay for me it's not okay for you well no [ __ ] is not a generally accepted term these days i know but i think you would get a pass if you know what i'm saying right right so uh the china guy okay a man from a chinese man no i don't want to say that okay sound good all right yeah let's just say [ __ ] okay let's just say [ __ ] and then let it pass so that guy see that guy yeah he looks mentally disturbed yeah yeah so he was on a greyhound bus oh i remember this what happens a guy um he was just randomly walking up the aisle and decapitated somebody like cut their head off no step there was a there was a skater kid on a bus yeah he was sitting next to a skater kid okay the skater kid is like 20 19 20 years old and he's sleeping against a greyhound the window you know and what's when you're sleeping on a greyhound bus and you're leaning against the window and you're sleeping the last thing you think is a chinaman's gonna eat you yeah yeah i mean that's you know you think of other things like car accident whatever go back to that article yeah right so um like so this chinese guy just decides you know you it's a just you know it's a spontaneous thing you don't think you would plan it right no plans yeah yeah so he just ate him right and then so i guess people must have been freaking the [ __ ] oh they the bus pulled aside people ran out when the cops tried to get on you know he had two spleens how many spleens are there really so wait let's see let's see some of these this guy is a diagnosed schizophrenic he killed mclean a young carnival worker who was a complete stranger a year later he was found not criminally responsible due to mental illness right she's been outspoken the mother um about this but let's see it uh he was kept in a secure wing of a psychiatric hospital his doctor told the board this week that he was confident baker would remain on his medications and continue to work with his treatment team you've got to be [ __ ] shitty she was at a mall i heard and she saw him shopping no yeah yeah if like and honestly look at me tom if anybody ate one of your kids dude no no be real okay i want you to be real for a second look at me right now man i am looking at you i ate your kid uh-huh then you see me at nordstrom streams no yes yeah and that's a scenario i'll kill you at nordstrom no you wouldn't oh okay you wouldn't kill me what would i do why you'd be i'd be like that's the guy no no i don't think you would do that but you would eye him you would eye him mm-hmm right and you'd probably go what kind of underwear is he buying whatever it might be right what is he buying yeah right and then you probably confront me but you wouldn't kill me why in the middle of nordstrom why because if you go to prison you'd go to prison for that yeah so what would you what would you do bobby if somebody you when you if you i've never had a cancer i don't know if you become a parent if somebody hurts one of your kids yeah you don't really think like that you're not you don't think like oh i know i should i should think rational i was just testing you yeah i know yeah no i would kill i would like i would dismember you and i would [ __ ] i would try to make your [ __ ] friends and family eat the [ __ ] she didn't do that once i don't know i don't know that's a horrible thing man terrible and it's all on the chinese yeah i mean they'll eat anything huh he did it [Laughter] you keep saying the china virus are you really buying it like that's what you call it now no i didn't i didn't say that i know i just tried i didn't [ __ ] say that i know no dude it's like you know did you respect any of those labels kung fu was funny when you first heard kung fu you chuckled you can't say that's not funny you can't say no that's not funny you can't i mean if you're in a writer's room and they're like all right it's gotta be like a virus that originates from asia people was pitching and someone was like what about kung fu everyone would be like i'd be like no that'd be my response right yeah so concludes funny but um i think that when you call and if you don't understand this you're dumb yeah but it's like you know when somebody you know who is in a position of authority yeah um is throwing words like that out you have to understand that people like me who have nothing to do with asia at all i mean i'm my parents are from there yeah but i don't i'm an american citizen i was born here i don't know any i don't know any other reality right that you know you have to understand that that kind of rhetoric will harm people that look like me that live in this country you have to understand that that's there's a connection there yeah yeah and i agree i think you're dumb racist you don't you're dumb if you don't get it that um it's gonna fuel xenophobia it's gonna make people especially people who in a lot of parts of the country that are very a lot of white people are so segregated in this country meaning that they don't interact a lot of there's a lot of places where a white person will never really interact with people outside of their race or very seldom and in in this case if that's what they hear they are going to see an asian person and be like a [ __ ] carrier right there guy brought the virus in but that's crazy but it's gonna fuel it more if you're using terms like that without a doubt okay bro yeah it's like when i was a kid right my parents were like very like kind of racist and homophobic my dad would say simple things like if you're gay i kill you everybody your gay friend everybody whatever yeah you know what i mean like you would look look at me everybody gay you get every day everybody right wait was he worried about you being gay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know so it's like and then you'd be like what right and i'd lay in bed and in everyone's life you have to self-analyze and be a free thinker and you think and you go is is because you know you back then there's no internet so you're a kid and you have to think for yourselves and you kind of go i came to the conclusions like it doesn't matter who gives a [ __ ] if you're gay or not it's a dumb thing you're putting a group of people down but like our parents generation yeah but there's there needs to be self analyzation and and thinking things through right and having some sort of empathy right it's like when i see you know you know at the end of the day i i you know i root for the underdog and i have always rooted for you know people that um are less fortunate and are you know and i don't like like when imperialists and people of authority [ __ ] suppress people and bring people down i don't like it at all right so it's like and but even as a kid i thought that no one taught me that right so why can't white people tell your other the other ones yeah you have to learn how to empathize and you know and why do people feel the way they do it's like the blm thing right yes it's like it's not a obviously all lives matter right obviously right but in in the moment right a certain group of people are being killed by police officers for no reason right you can't put you know but they don't well and that's crazy i know i mean there's a reason like the reason you say black lives matter is because it sure seems like they don't exactly that's why you said right but then people swung it like i know it's all it's like wow there's nothing to do with that it's all charged up now where it's like you're looking at it and you're going like you don't the worst one is when somebody doesn't like acknowledge like at the very least are you going to acknowledge that it's easier to be us than them right like is it easier and then look i don't see any difference you're like seriously you're not going to acknowledge even that and they're like some people some people are racist some people are willfully ignorant some people really don't i think there's a percentage of people that really don't get it they just don't they're just well they're just [ __ ] stupid you know but i have to say that without those moments of like running into those types of white people yeah i don't think i would be where i'm at in my life so that's helped yeah i remember when i used to work construction stunts suns and um so this guy um what my job was i used to take up my pickup truck and pick up supplies for this company how old were you i could have been 20 19 20. this is when your dad thought you were gay or no no he always he still thinks a gay in heaven he does oh yeah yeah so um what it's just funny that's a picture and be like everybody did you know everybody did and so um there was two runners it was me and this other guy and this other guy um he called me and he goes yeah i feel sick can you do my you know i mean so i go okay so i would go to his because we went to different places like i went and got like like fixtures and like hammers and just different kinds of nails or whatever he was the lumber guy runner and i went to a lumber mill and the representative the representative of the lumber mill comes out because he only he deals with this other white kid and he looked at me and he goes hey um where is the american runner and i went i didn't say anything i go oh he's sick you know like didn't defend myself yeah right and once he said that i got back in my car and i thought oh they think that i'm different yeah you know i mean and it made me and it for me it's like it's a motivator like some asians go i don't know but to you you're like [ __ ] and they and they go into a shell and they mind their own business you know what i mean you know what i mean i'd be a scientist you're a bunch of burner and or whatever yeah but they stay in their shell i don't want to hang out with other you know asia you know yes let me go play mahjong or whatever they do but me i'm like no i'm going to prove that guy wrong you know i mean i'm going to [ __ ] his daughter okay i mean you know i mean which would infuriate him sure no not in a sexual predatory way just like i'm gonna like i'm gonna like the best thing is when you're with a white girl yeah and you know especially because i had to get like a little bit of money and fame to get you know i mean yeah the quality sure right right and i've been with the white chicks that turned to me and said i just in my wildest dreams i just never thought i would ever hook up with an asian guy right and how'd that feel like i pissed in that one guy's face from the lumber mill it felt good yeah yeah like i won yeah yeah and i go and i spit in the coochie yeah and i just walk away jesus giggling into the night it feels good it feels real good yeah feeling like sensing like what the what the construction guy did to you i bet that never leaves you you know when the guy is like oh is there an ammo yeah you see a lot of that growing up sure you know especially in my time like these other asian kids coming up in the business right they they don't know nothing yeah you know i mean like what was it like for you auditioning real you don't they don't know like for me it's like i used to i went to an audition once and everyone in the lobby was in a ninja outfit right but not with their face their faces with the mask oh right it's like just hire any of them right why does it mean it doesn't matter and i walked in like this and they go where's your ninja conf awesome i go dude it's like there's no line right just put me in the thing right do you like my yeah and then abroad and they're like bye yeah and that was those are the opportunities did you ever have the um did they ever you ever auditioned and they're like oh no no can you say it like being a little more asian like a little put a little soy sauce on it you know what i mean dude do it i auditioned for king kong really yeah if you watch king kong there's one chinese guy chinese guy in it he has no line he's just running from he's just running from right but we people had auditioned for that so i showed up in an audition and they had a king kong poster or a cut cutout of king kong against a wall and it was all the big the asian actors you know now as big stars we were all there and um the audition was you have to run in a circle screaming right so i go in there and i see the king kong all right scream run i'm in a circle right yeah and the lady goes can you you don't seem asian doing it right and i go what she's like yeah like you don't seem chinese doing it so do it again so this is what i went i went back but you know what's funny about that audition what when i left you usually leave after an audition yeah i didn't i stayed there and listened no i watched i liked seeing the asian actors walking out of the room yeah yeah you just why do you [ __ ] you know chopstick it up for us man yeah and you were seeing guys i'm not kidding you guys that are big stars now really yeah auditioning for that screaming yeah and you're watching it and you're going wow this is where we're at yeah and to see you know it changed it's great you know but it's like that's what i live through it's like a really notable shift you know i mean right now we have this big social justice push in america but i'm saying there's been a notable shift from when you started to now just in those years like so notable right because like for you for a while they'd be like i don't know because you work at a you work at a liquor store or you're the scared guy running in a circle yeah yeah and now we have like asian leads okay it's crazy yeah it's crazy i enjoyed that a lot that was a good moment yeah my head hitches your hair is really long so over the last 20 years every once in a while my agent will go why don't you write a show pitch it and i'll go all right i'll try yeah so i remember one year i wrote a show about um me and my me and my grandfather raised me this korean old school korean grandfather and we run a hotel in space right so it's basically a weigh station where all these aliens and they stay in this korean hotel right and it's like it was a weird idea yeah i like it and i remember going into the you know networks right and i go it's a hotel in space and they go thank you and you would leave yeah like no interest whatever yeah and i would pitch nothing no word nothing nothing at all and this year i just me and my friend peter goes let's just write a korean show right so we wrote one and the first place when we went to it's about um a current they go we'll take it i go what yeah we'll take it and then we just pitched it to networks we had all the network most of the networks just go we want to we want it it's a bidding war yeah a couple yeah so it's like for me it's like it's a total change it's crazy are you gonna do it the show yeah i mean we're gonna do the pilot yeah figure it out but you know it's like it you can totally tell it's totally different you know it has to do i don't know it's just um and you know do i feel bad for white people a little bit yeah i want my white friends to work i want you to work brother i mean like i'm happy for you but yeah yeah i'm a little bummed out that our you know rain is coming to an end no no it's gonna shift back it's just this is just a moment you think so oh yeah okay i hope so and also and also don't ever forget i refuse to change certain things like when people go um you have to take call hispanics latin x latinx whatever yeah what is it latinx latina yeah latinx latinx i don't know you even know what that is yeah well you're latin right uh-huh do you want me to call you that no thanks you're welcome yeah yeah i won't no it's dumb it's kind of dumb it's stupid it's you know it gets to a point like yeah i know i'm not gonna say the n word ever again right you know i mean i'm not going to say i you know i mean i've never no i've never i've never said it i'm not kidding i've never said it but i've never said it no i i i've never but uh hey no no but um you know there's certain things obviously like saying i'll just say it one time okay [ __ ] right it's terrible what a terrible word mm-hmm you know so that's the last time i said it right now just now yeah yeah and then you'll never say it again and that no no that was the last time so mark it anyone listening that was the last time i say that work what was the last time in war zone you hear it okay you know because people hear it when i when i say it what do you know latinx the thing that bothers me the most about that is um it's that it's totally an american thing in other words they don't say that in latin american countries you know when spanish speaking they're not like somos latinx they don't say that they don't no it's a it's an american right right uh you know idea yeah thrown into a language that would never write or say the word like that yeah it's silly it's silly yeah it's going to swing one way right yeah there's always an over correction correction it's going to land in the middle yeah and then we'll meet there but um you know that's why this format podcasting yeah is the last our last standard it's the best man you know and you know i've people have tried to cancel me they have some of the things i've said in the past really yeah and um i have a message to everyone yeah 99 of the things i say on podcast is either an extreme exaggeration or a bold-faced lie yeah yeah you know it really is it's because for you to talk because i did one yesterday i did one tuesday and these are hours long i don't know we need to talk all day long you can't just you know you have to [ __ ] make [ __ ] up baby right so it's like you know absolutely it's like when somebody goes oh you said that on stage so i know it's true like you know you have a joke you're like that's not how that works we make [ __ ] up it makes it up so to make it well no everything's based on a truth well there might be a kernel of truth right but you have to here's the thing like just because there's a kernel of truth does it like that doesn't even mean the sentiment of the joke is true it's just that like you know you observed something once and you're like yeah that's true that i observed that but i i took it in in a direction for the joke that is not my point of view it's just a joke right you have to do that yeah to work and also like when you watch a movie and they say you know this is based on yeah because if they were to do the movie the way it actually was nobody would watch it yeah you have to throw in elements right to make it exciting oh they're like i mean i just watched a series that they said it said um this has this this is based on a story and then they tell you but we have created storylines characters dialogue and scenarios that didn't happen in order for you to yes like but they really laid it out like there's all kinds of [ __ ] made up in this yeah yeah this just has some truth to it yeah kid cudi he's uh he's in the new bill and ted movie and he's also in my earbuds pumping through my ears because i got new raycons yeah i did and they're amazing and they're wireless and listen i got the new everyday e25 earbuds put them in they they pair seamlessly i'm not i'm not high-tech i mean i like high-tech but i'm not you know competent i don't know how to make things pair and it frustrates me and i break things when they don't and these have been amazing i literally just put them in boom connect six hours of play time more bass more compact design noise isolating fit they are stylish and discreet no dangling wires or stems and they are much better priced than the competition give them a try raycon has a 45 day free return policy so you can make sure there's a pair of wireless earbuds for you for a limited time get 15 off your order at buy raycon.com bears that's by raycon b-u-y-r-a-y-c-o-n dot com slash bears for a special 15 discount on raycon wireless earbuds make sure to check it out now while the deal is running by raycon.com bears this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by squarespace turn your cool idea into a new website and get a lot of help with squarespace i don't know if you remember what it was like it's still like the people who don't know to build a website they're like i don't know who to call or what to do or how to do this but squarespace does a lot of it for you they have these templates you just plug it in like created by world-class designers and you can promote what you're doing you can sell they have these incredible e-commerce functionality you can publish what you're writing you can showcase your photography there's so much you can do and you need to have a website for crying out loud 24 7 award-winning customer support so you're never on your own head on over to squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch use the offer code bears to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain that's squarespace.com enter the code bears that's why i love that movie um once it upon a time in hollywood yeah because it's like an alternate reality that's the tarantino one yeah did you see it yeah i did i also feel like he's been doing um just alternate i didn't realize we're gonna get an alternate reality with that one too like the the hitler remember the glorious bastards and you're like oh yeah if you had killed the knights you don't like that well i mean i was like okay cool i thought that was cool and then django unchained it's like no that just happened yeah that's happened the uh the slave re there have been slave revolts but it's like yeah you know this fantasy revenge and then with this one i actually thought it was we were going to see a like a biopic on the manson murders and it's i didn't know because i didn't research i just knew that it had that topic yeah so i'm watching the movie i was like oh we're doing another like spin on yeah you know a lot of people didn't like the movie some people did i thought it was a really entertaining movie i just didn't understand why i thought it was a masterpiece why we did the um the alternate ending yeah like like the the ending that didn't happen yeah it was an homage to um hollywood back in the day yeah 60s and 70s um and i love the alternate reality because it was such a shock and surprise to me i thought you know i mean that they were going to all die yeah that's what i thought yeah for them you know i mean to do that to the manson family yeah was i laughed so hard it's satisfying right so satisfying and this is what we all wish would have happened yeah right because there are [ __ ] bastards yeah just like the nazis that died in the fire it's not one of my favorite cereal killer by the way who manson yeah not one of your favorites no dude it's like dumber better yeah in terms of creativity yeah right ed gein right he made lamp shades of the skin yeah had heads on a post right what's the artist the clown what's his name john wayne gacy love it love it i love it i hate the behavior it's evil right but in terms of serial killers right yeah top top level top level yeah yeah right killed a lot of people i hate it it's disgusting young boys but in terms of if i was like you know a dark fella mm-hmm inside you mean not on the outside you know yeah that i would like he would they would be one of my favorites the clown thing is very precious yeah clever clever stuff christ it is perverse and btk you know baby he had the uh he was an alarmed an adtl like technician i know so he's setting up alarm systems that's two careers he had two careers yeah he did yeah yeah back to uh gacy though right yeah how dumb is the mom the mom yeah the wife no casey lived with this mom he did yeah i thought she went had a what lived in the house right wait his mother lived in his house dude check it out dude he's buried 40 dudes in the house i know and the mom's still living there like you know what is that yes rats you know jesus christ what happened what do you mean it took a dark turn well let's see no yeah it's just he's he's such that that would be it right there yeah um what a good great headshot i went to the same photographer on my headshot um all those murders were committed inside his house typically he would lord blah blah handcuffs i'm just trying to see 33 people [ __ ] terrible so he did have a spouse see two spouses see yeah i didn't argue against that he i know i'm just trying to say like so his mother also lived there he could get chicks man that's not larry okay his mother was a homemaker okay but let's talk about um maybe have it wrong no i'm just trying to i'm just trying to gather whether you have it right yeah i didn't know it didn't haven't been studied yeah most hosts would just let it go and just move on to the next all right yeah i mean like you're fact-checking me and it's making me sweaty i'm just curious right and you're like no you're wrong bobby and then it's like oh i'm sorry i know but like we were already saying that we lie and we exaggerate that didn't seem like the type of thing we would just let it go you know okay so let's go you did that but you did that with the chinese guy in canada too what did i do you tried to fact check me and it wasn't yeah you were let's see if bobby has this right and you're reading the facts of it and i'm like sweating you could have just let it go man what do you investigate a journalist i'm sorry this is just a fun company podcast i'm sorry oh you're welcome i'll talk man i'll take it easy it's [ __ ] crazy okay i didn't mean to be yeah yeah yeah don't fact-check me okay let's go back to korean perfectionism okay go ahead so when i asked you why these pop groups are so so popular in korea yeah coming out of korea and you said this is not a popular thing to say but i think that's where we went to oppression so we went to right and we were we're gonna just just just drill the japanese for a minute we just got that great story from your father putting you right right but can i just go back to the perfection part yeah yeah right so it's like um notice um when a group of people and this is the theory you don't have to google it don't google it okay okay but when a people right i feel like a group of people that have been oppressed right what comes out of it is they become stronger like anything else in life right you know right it becomes stronger if you don't kill it right and i think the body does that too yeah right resilient really you become resilient and but what also comes with it is humor because you know like the jews they were also oppressed yes i hear and um and um the koreans and it like i've always acquitted to comedy in la right yeah the initial comics you know and now you have a variety of different comics but in the beginning of this new generation of i mean the generation of asian comics you had johnny yoon who was you know korean margaret cho i mean me there was a bunch of koreans doing i think a lot of koreans are in comedy because we're a people from an oppressed group that makes sense yeah yeah and um and so that's number one so i think that um there we the reason why we have so many pop groups and stuff like that is because um maybe it has something to do with that we were oppressed and we're gonna prove to the world that we're like great okay you know yeah we do that with films as well by the way films you know uh the korean filmmaking is out of control which i do like well i just watched um the gangster of the cop and the devil oh that's a good one that's a good one illegal yeah you see i saw the devil i saw the devil i don't know if i saw the devil it says i saw the devil type in i saw the devil let's see is this recent oh no it's like one of the um do you see old boy yeah so it's miksik choy the same guy that was an old boy isn't this but he plays um a serial killer oh wow and it's good it's a masterpiece oh i'll see what is it uh this is a masterpiece you see it on itunes or can you rent it or is it money okay yeah you have money i only do honestly it's like that's is that the hispanic in you i was asking like which place had you freaking figure look at i come in here no listen dude i come in here you got 15 people kids in here go whatever you want master tom sakura or whatever they do we suck your dick we suck your dick oh whatever yeah yeah you could just go hey get me the movie hey guys give me that movie okay yep you got it tommy see that's what i'm saying yes don't be like oh um you know i'm struggling a little bit during the pandemic um so where can i can i watch it on youtube [ __ ] you all right okay that felt good yeah yeah i mean that's the truth though right yeah yeah so i saw the devil is a good one give me another yeah write these down so and anyone listening right now um you should watch obviously the greatest movie i think the koreans have ever made is old boy oh boy yeah yeah and then um you know i saw a horror movie just recently called metamorphosis that was kind of fun mm-hmm i saw what is i saw the harvest that one that was really really good um i just saw another one of the burnt orange heresy that was that was way better than i thought it would ever saw that um yes and the it's one of those movies where when you see the poster you're like i don't want to see that like the poster is not like it's just a that's not korean like no it's not i know we're talking about different movies oh so this month no we were talking about we were but then we were talking about great movies right or did you list only korean movies we were we were on the creation but we got away from no no no yeah we want a curl korean one then you're like burnt orange hair what all right parasites cool yeah yeah well then they would like okay now and then now let's talk about other movies say that okay no you say it you're the host let's talk about other movies burnt orange heresy okay yeah what is it what is there no koreans okay so i really it's the best part of this movie is that i feel like most movies suck because they just follow blueprints like they just you know what if you if you if you give a script that you write to um a producer or um whatever they'll go oh yeah but now we need this to happen and this to happen because that's how these that's how a story is told like they'll just follow and then if you watch a trailer you can be like oh that's and it's it's like 30 other movies you've seen those cliches is what you're saying they're cliches but they're also just following a format a format and the story is like this is where he'll have conflict and then here's the resolution and it should go a b c like this what i liked about the burnt orange heresy was that it didn't follow the like the of course there's conflict and and an ending but it's so unexpected it's like why movies that really stand out that are like when you see parasite the first time if you know nothing about it and you've seen what you're constantly being like holy [ __ ] right because you've never seen a story like that does the the the concept the execution like the thing that we're all looking for i think in in cinema and when you watch me is surprise you want to be surprised like the reason everyone got kicked in the [ __ ] balls when you saw a get out wasn't just the social commentary was a big part of it but you're like this is such a crazy concept you know yeah yeah so there's there's such a lack of like original story the idea is like when i watch a movie and i think to myself i can't believe they got funding for this yeah is a good thing exactly right i can't believe they made this how did he get this maze right yeah yeah i love that as well yeah tom so metamorphosis was is a horror one though you said yeah it's cliche oh it is okay yeah so let's let it go all right well now let's look it up so yeah yeah okay let's look it up look it up yeah are you constantly watching korean movies what i'm asking dude look at me right now bro yeah hey we're this is what that sounds like hey man where's the american one that's what that's something like hey man where's the american look yeah that's exactly what it is no it wasn't bro let me say something okay yeah that's the movie yeah it's called metamorphosis and it's a it's if you like exorcists it's kind of like that do you have any other korean like must-see movies because i really do love the movies that i'm seeing from korea because i want to put that on my list um i mean you've i mean i think all the ones that i've said like in terms of monster movies the host is great the host yeah it's a monster movie yeah okay i think another the whole you've never seen her the host it's a great monster movie okay it's i think the same guy that did parasite what about is there any other and then there's one called um trained to busan you see that put both of these on the list you never saw train to pusa no i want to see the host you never saw trained to push out trying to push what about bulgogi no no forget no there's no such thing there's a thing as bulgogi yeah it's it's it's meat it's just i know it's korean i know i'm trying to keep it in the [ __ ] family i know but there's no movie called that okay dude train boost to busan is um one of the best zombie movies ever made right it got like 98 around tomatoes it's a masterpiece you have to watch this tonight i'll watch it tonight can you give it to me can you give me your copy of this in the car i know you have a copy on you and they anyway i'm gonna let it go i'm not gonna but they made a sequel that's coming out in about three or four months i am struggling right now so please you're not happy you're not i know what you're worth okay okay so exactly let's move on you want to move on from that okay all right because i've been to your house you want to move on from that all right don't play that okay okay and you know what i want to own up to my [ __ ] you know when people go you know you know what dude you know i struggled for a very long time yeah and i'm almost say happy birthday happy birthday because i liked it your birthday's coming up yeah oh actually by the time this comes out you just had a birthday your birthday was four days ago yep happy for you thank you birthday thank you so um i'm 49 wow and um i struggled for a very long time in my career i went in and out but you know let's own up to you know the podcasting and things are fruitful and it's been good for us yeah you know i'm very humble and you know and i i'm i'm grateful for everything that i have but um let's do that let's not go um hey can i can't afford this movie can you help me all right all right i uh it's foolish i know i feel very fortunate and i feel very grateful and thankful to be in the position i'm in but i feel like if you have an extra copy in your car you should hook it up yeah if you have like one of those cd zip folders you know that has dvds in it of all your favorite korean films you could just lend it to me for a [ __ ] week or something i'll do it all right god you're so sick there's parts of me that regret this yeah yeah i know i want to ask you this question go ahead am i do you think i'm you know because i go on the internets and they go um i don't listen to tiger belly or bad friends because bobby lee is a bully people say that about you i didn't know that yeah but do you think i'm a bully no i do not i do not think you're a bully like how the [ __ ] am i up well like also there's so much noise on the internet that you could find you can literally find just hear me on this of the podcasters of the circle of comedy podcasters you could probably find a comment saying that every single person is everything a bully uh you know whatever a lazy person an [ __ ] like that you could probably find that about everyone so you can't you can't just be i mean is there a big movement about you being a bully like people are saying it a lot yeah i've read it before like i've read it maybe 20 times from different varieties of sources people were you accused of a bullying people think that bully gas thinking about bull they think i bully ander santino they think i'm bullied what yeah they do they think that i um like the people that work for me because um i don't think that people like the fact that i'm the boss well people like that you're the boss yeah at tiger belly yeah because you know i'm fine okay no because um because you know when i'm there i know that you know you know when you're doing a podcast when like if you're doing a podcast you know that i'm essential to this podcast right i'm not expendable right right so you can flex some sort of like weight right but i do everything in a joking matter right so i say call people names and this and that but people have to realize that you know that and and i'm this is going to be i'm going to say it everything derives from trauma okay my dad used to beat the [ __ ] out of me all that stuff i was very traumatic it was a very traumatic experience so you know everything you know um the way i behave is a defense mechanism right right and it's all because of the way i was raised so you know it it come you know when i was a struggling comic and i was coming up i kept quiet and i let people bully me around and tell me what to do because you know i opened for mencia and paulie shore and back then you know they were hard you know what i mean like did you know i got mine dirty pick that up did you know what i mean and like carlos april you know you gotta [ __ ] you know you're not doing it right and people like but what'd he tell you you're doing wrong he just put me in the closet what yeah and he's locked the car no wait no we go in the road and i used to sleep in albert's closet come on yeah his bro yeah like he wouldn't he didn't give me a hotel room once he put me in a closet so i had in a hotel closet i slept in there you guys realize how good you have it with me [Laughter] i know yeah you know like i didn't golf clubs to the airport you know and stuff like that that's like hazing [ __ ] though i mean i feel like dude it's like in you know you can say what you want about anybody and i still say today that without carlos mencia and paulie shore yeah i would not be where i am today i understand they [ __ ] help me out so much and i'm so grateful for their help yeah i really am and i tell them that all the time when i see them i am grateful whether you how you feel about them or not you know um they there are things that they did for me that are um priceless yeah i believe that like for instance you know the agent that i have now is through mencia back in 95. your stand-up agent or your everything every agent yeah what's their name his name is matt blake i know matt ca i know matt he was my first agent yeah so he you know in 95 mencia you know introduced me that matt blake was my agent at gersch yeah i was at gersch yeah we were at church together yeah and then he left he left yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i didn't even get a call really they're just like your agent yeah yeah you took me gabriel david no he wishes he took me believe me oh now he does yeah yeah yeah now he does yeah no yeah yeah we still we still we're still buddies though okay he's a you know he's a good dude yeah yeah but um so you know i have to say that out loud because i know it's not funny but um you know paulie i love him and i love carlos i want to say that throw that out there without them yeah i want to know if you would tell me more bedtime stories from your dad because that was really great well you know my dad used to make up um wives tales mm-hmm you know what wife's tales are i mean i've heard the expression before yeah so um what does the wives tell you know like what why people say to their kids when they look at the tv too close um like you're gonna go blind if you right right so my dad will go if you watch tv that close grandpa gonna die yeah i sort of gotta do that right and i i'd be like yeah but he's dead already he goes you did it [Laughter] you killed him you know what i mean like he would make [ __ ] out like that holy [ __ ] yeah and like you know they should have you know when um immigrants come to this country yeah they should have like a book you know to sh you know this is how you sing the christmas songs right because he didn't grow up with them right right so when then you know you have american kids did he grew up rough oh my god my dad was a street kid oh wow he was a gang kid he was a boxer he bought the amateur used to fight in the streets he was like oh so when he [ __ ] you up he would [ __ ] you up oh yeah he was like the kimbo slice of korea really yeah yeah like he would you know and um and i i've talked to like um friends of his that grew up your dad was a [ __ ] [ __ ] he beat everybody up women he didn't give [ __ ] you know what i mean dude my dad dude i saw my dad you know what my dad did my cousin what dude bro how's your wait set it up how's your cousin i have to kind of get some space here okay dude so when i was well he i just stabbed my on it with a knife but anyway that's later wait we can't let that one go yeah yeah so all right i'll go to the on okay so we you know we had these every sunday we would go to round as a kid we my parents would play tennis and we would go to round table pizza okay and it was sunday on a sunday right and round table pizza had a little arcade so we would love to go because my parents my dad would my uncle would give me um quarters we played video games but one time we were at roundtable pizza and my aunt was there and you know they would get drunk and um my aunt just goes i don't know why she said that but she goes she looks at my mom and she goes i don't know why you're mad in korean i don't know why you marry her she's ugly your aunt says i said that to my mom about my mom in front of my dad and my dad goes and it stabbed her in the neck with enough [Laughter] at round table yeah it was a butter knife so it kind of nicked her or whatever yeah yeah he went hey let's do the one you know what i mean how did that play out people screaming yeah he was like shut the [ __ ] up that was a whole that was my dad in a nutshell okay tell me this though but he would always laugh when you go do something so when he laughed like that violence was happening really yeah yeah so so my cousin this is a crazier one okay wait i want to i want to say i want to hear the cousin one okay don't let that go okay but let's park at round table pizza for a moment okay yeah your aunt makes this joke your father grabs like a butter knife jabs her in the neck chaos ensues and then like do you remember getting in the car and leaving like do you remember you know i don't think my dad went with i think my mom i was in the car how did your mother react to it my dad was like because my dad you know um stayed behind to do apologies and stuff so i think i recall just being in the car right bye you know i've been driving away what would your mother say about the incident she would just be she wouldn't say anything she would just be angry that he did that because my mom her teeth are not real okay him okay so she you know she's she's she was up there so she she was in it she was like she was in that this dude does [ __ ] like this basically yeah okay i would like to thank my wonderful whoop you see it on my arm it never comes off i never take it off i'm obsessed with it i love that it tracks how i move what i'm doing and gives me full reports i can get a daily report a weekly report a monthly report and how what i did affected how i'm doing did i drink more that month did i stay up later did i exercise more it gives you the type of insight you'd want you know on your on a business you're running about you how you're training how you're recovering how you're resting it's so incredible i cannot believe that i lived without a whoop before now whoop just tell me right here hey man get to bed it's incredible i love it for our listeners woop is offering 15 off with the code bears at checkout go to woop w-h-o-o-p dot com enter bears at checkout to save 15 percent get to know yourself on a deeper level unlock yourself with whoop so my cousin back to my cousin okay so um we had a cousin named donghyong yeah and you know what did i say it right yeah yeah you know what that translates to no [ __ ] brother [ __ ] brother yeah yeah i never even knew his real name he was just like his dog okay he was a mopey guy okay and this is your is it your father's sibling's child or your mother's siblings child my father is sibling child okay a boy or girl yeah there's no woman by tong hyung [ __ ] brother oh [ __ ] brother sorry sorry sir okay all right sorry man oh it's [ __ ] an eight-year-old girl what the [ __ ] uh sorry so don hong was in um high school and we hadn't we had moved to minnesota all right and then we moved back to san diego so my dad hadn't seen don young since he was a kid so we walked into my uncle's house and dong hyung was in high school you know how high schools are yeah and my dad hadn't seen him so we walked into this lobby of this house and tong was walking up the stairs and my dad goes was happy to see him yeah you know what i mean yeah hey antonio goes what's up because he had rebellious right yeah and just walked into his room my dad thought that was thought that it was a diss like a major disc yeah so my dad goes hey come down here you know yeah and looks out his room come down here donghyung comes down my dad goes you know that's dangerous grabs his head muay thai kicks 15 times is blood blood everywhere right and i just because it's not me you know right what's that happening to me right are you serious is that happening to me so i'm going he's kneeing him in the face yeah yeah yeah muay thai muay thai kicks dude that was like what we always grew up with okay hold on yeah so as with the other story i'm most interested now in the aftermath of that like somebody does that in the home what how does everybody i was on a i remember my uh mom was being fanned right being fanned by a what a the pool chair in a swimming pool chair yeah what do you call them yeah like a lounge a lounge chair and i remember aunt's crying fanning my you know i mean because she's like my husband yeah my dad is with my uncles in a room and they're just arguing and he's like why'd you beat the [ __ ] out of my son and then goes covered in blood i don't know just just out yeah yeah and then um they're probably going what do we do ambulance you know what i mean that kind of thing holy [ __ ] he healed up but oh he's fine so your dad's temper was [ __ ] serious oh bro dude my brother my poor brother my pro brother one time yeah my brother had a friend a a black friend kid anthony and um my brother's like i got this casio keyboard anthony is a gammon yeah spend the night so anthony spends the night and playing this cat how old are they my brother might be 11 12 okay all your the door open my dad completely naked completely naked right anthony what the [ __ ] right what the [ __ ] right my dad takes the keyboard ah slams it on my brother's [ __ ] back keys are flying all over the place but here's the thing what we discovered he turns around there's toilet paper sticking out of his [ __ ] jesus right right and that's when we knew about his anal leakage he had serious anal leakage and i have it now too yeah what cause is it genetic yeah i think so yeah but i don't do the toilet paper what do you do just let it let it go just [ __ ] oozes out yeah i have like she hates cleaning clothes cleaning my underwear oh my god yeah because there's all these stains and stuff a lot of bad stains do you ever put like a tampon or a pad in there or something no i don't like the it feels uncomfortable when i'm walking around i know it's there i think you should put a pad no i don't i don't think so i think you should i i think that i should do what my heart says and my heart says i want to be free and it's not like the mask and have like shitty stained underwear yeah but it's like you're gonna get a stained [ __ ] tampon when you're down there yeah but this way you're i'm trying to argue this yeah yeah it's a losing argument yeah yeah yeah you're right i'm not gonna do it yeah i can do it and is it a lot of leakage like on the car white right i almost didn't make it today let's just say that really yeah i'm still like and if you see my underwear right now if you see me on right now you would be like i don't i can't even believe you showed up to this is that brown bad i mean when i when i came in here i go i need to use your bathroom immediately do you have one please and so that that's that that'll give you you made a big brown in there i wouldn't say uh big is um not the right word i would use what would you use messy yeah do you have a bad stomach well i've been trying to eat better because um in this pandemic i gained like 15 pounds you did yeah and so um this last week because you know what i did was you know because kalila won't let me go to the grocery store or why because she doesn't trust me so we get everything delivered oh right right so you know i i get i got on gold belly you know what gold belly is it's an app and you can get um foods from all over the country and they deliver to your house i've heard about this yeah so i get like um deep dips pizzas from chicago or i'll get like pot pies from north carolina [ __ ] yeah so i get like things delivered to my house but you've been eating like you've been eating real good stuff you know i mean i get like um pork you know loins from um indiana like pork tenderloin sandwiches and it's great how much does that cost pretty expensive but you know what it's like my because since i can't go to a restaurant and stuff yes it's like my little thing and then um you can you can get your dental nap can you sen can you send me a sample you have more money than i do no and i'll just say that out now loud right now when tom is saying can you get me this stuff i'll just let you know it's coming from a guy that has more finances you know so it makes you look shitty can you just send me a sample i won't because you can do it can you send me maybe i'll do it like maybe i'll do a nice return gift you know after you give me my first wicked what you're doing i don't like it i don't like it at all you like it i love you i really you know dude i mean you know i'm telling you i told christy this that um that you know what you did for me and i i keep bringing it up every time we talk with each other but i have to reiterate it yeah you don't have to do that you want me to no you don't have to do that is that what you use is that what that that is no no i'm saying i've you've said it before i think yeah i think i just think that i honestly like i can't because i had no idea who you were yeah before that really i didn't know who bert was or any of you yeah no it's weird sometimes you don't like sometimes uh like tim dillon i had no i just discovered him six months ago well i mean i don't know anybody yeah i mean all of a sudden you have to know these people yeah it's a period of discovery for people coming up getting through and then you gotta go oh you google it and you go oh they're doing good yeah you know but um i knew who michael rappaport was because of the movies sure but like there's some people that you don't know but you know you meet like it's so funny because when i i had never knew who andrew schultz was yeah at all never even heard of him but then i was hosting um montreal the dirty show you know so and and um jamie carr and andrew schultz but under schultz was there leaning against this metal pole in the backstage he goes hey man i'm andrew and i didn't know who he was but then as soon as i saw him perform yeah i go holy [ __ ] this guy is legit he's killing it i mean he's killing it with his legit problem with uh social like his like his uh monologue you know he does like those commentaries and absolutely kills it man and then how i met christa stefano was um i did opinion anthony once and chris was just this good-looking white guy sitting next to me i know who it was and then we had omelets afterwards yeah and then i saw him perform and i went oh he's legit dude and i ironically enough today's 911 his 911 story is one of my [ __ ] have you ever seen that no i'll google it when you leave here look it up yeah it there's he tells from it's like i think it's a seller set um what happened to him on 9 11. and it's it is such a great story yeah for me it's like you know once i see you know what you can do i'm in yeah i don't get threatened i don't see when i see dudes that are really funny like i'll be honest with you dude you guys are way better stand-ups than i am yeah i'm not that prolific you know i'd like to write more but i do the same jokes over and over when i watch you and even your wife and other guys like andrew or santino or schultz or stefano and tim dylan any of you guys i literally go wow they're better stand-ups than me and i don't get threatened by it see my thing is is i believe that if i just hang out with the best in the business yeah and also nice guys i i know guys that are really good that are [ __ ] and you can hang out with them but i hang out with guys that are like are have good hearts but are the best i don't get threatened i don't give a [ __ ] i think i'm i want to get better yeah i'm with you on that i think it's a really healthy disposition yeah i think it's i think it shows like your security in yourself you know i mean like you're you're you you not feeling threatened to me is just like that is a that's an evolved mature as immature as you are that's a mature that's a mature evolutionary point of view you know like you're you're a child you're like a you're you're like a [ __ ] toddler with you know bigger clothes but the fact that you don't feel threatened by other people i think is a huge endorsement to you and your character even though most people would be like you gotta be [ __ ] kidding me with this you know [ __ ] oh [ __ ] i think you're very funny though i really like you you didn't like that at all not even a little bit that didn't honestly pissed me off i'm getting a [ __ ] pistol which part which part because you're making it into a joke i'm not making it a joke yeah you are you're you know you're trying to give me a compliment i was handed [ __ ] it wasn't backhanded and it's something that you maybe probably wouldn't believe no yeah and um it's just that be direct i am being direct no you're not you're playing [ __ ] white you're right by the way i'm white yeah right now you are you're acting like it wait what did i do you're acting like it right what did i do i'm saying so basically you're trying to give me a compliment saying oh dude like you know you're in a healthy spot you're not threatened you know that's grown-up thing right yeah but then you're throwing in like but you know normally you're a child and and dumb and nobody thinks that you're like an adult that's what everybody thinks so you you really so okay all right all right because i thought we're at the tail end of it i thought we are not we're not we're not we're absolutely not now okay we're absolutely not now okay tell me i'm like oh we're going into the good places this is the good part no it's not it's [ __ ] [ __ ] right so what you're saying is you know it's so funny tom it's your rhetoric and when you throw things out there like that you know it sticks because you have a big audience you have big influence yeah and it sticks with people okay right and then all of a sudden they have a skewed vision of me and they think that i'm irresponsible and a child like childlike okay because i have a doughy baby like body or whatever is it because i'm asian is that how you treat others you [ __ ] right first of all you know believe it or not dude right yeah i play a lot of video games okay what's up yeah i do i do what time you normally go to bed like three or four in the morning okay i would usually wake up two or three p.m right do we need to say i eat a lot of hot dogs okay yeah but i was giving you a huge compliment i'm serious the best comedians that i've ever been around are ones with your perspective i think it's the healthiest but it's it's also the best comedians are the ones who don't feel threatened to buy strong openers i've seen i mean i'm saying like this is a this is the healthiest perspective one can have is the one that you have about feeling like when you're around other good comedians it's good for you i feel the same way man i feel the same way i want to be around great comics and i was i was trying to give you a compliment i was just trying to take like you know a little playful jab at the fact that you're the child the other i'm gonna say the most truthful thing that i've ever seen in my life i don't know what i'm doing in anything i literally wake up and i go here we go let's try you know but i don't know what i'm doing i don't know what i'm saying right now i don't know why i'm at the place that i'm at but it is my reality but at the end of the day like i honestly i just wake up and i go let's just do the best you can with the screen allotted you know so you know if you think that that's child's life oh boy and if you no honestly if you think that child luck and i need to like you know grow up yeah or to read a book or whatever yeah or to learn stuff you know so be it but my message to people like you yeah yeah you know i mean the oppressors of the world um okay i really are the oppressors of the world um one day i'll have my day okay and one day i will have my um victory dance and your people like you are the ones that are gonna be suffering okay you're literally literally verbatim and now it's at 120. i know and that's the last thing i'm going to say well that's what the guy on the bus said before he ate that kite that poor that's it the china the guy from the bus the chinese man on the bus we said exactly that we're done 120. could you could you at least do a little could you do a little wrap up here with me 120. are you just taking off i'm gonna leave yeah thanks for coming by do you want me to rap i mean it'd be nice thanks for the opportunity you want me to do extra i'll do extra can we do like a little you know okay thank you for having me i mean come on i thought that we were going to see what you did though yeah and i do it back i know and that's the magic of podcast that's fun right fun you attack me right i reverse it you reverse it on me i reverse it on you i i was hurt by you calling me an oppressor yeah i was hurt that you're calling me i'm a child i don't think that that hurt you because it did hurt me i think you know you are and i think i know i think you know that you have power and you're an oppressor and you like doing it look at all the people i have two people working for me you have 15 people working for me what do you think that is oppression why is that oppression and it's employing you no you just like telling people what to do that's not true it's fine ask these people you're a good guy i already told you the story about what we did when we didn't know i know but do you really not think of yourself as kind of a man-child yeah i do okay it's and i love it okay i enjoy it and i love it because can you admit that there's some oppression that you do it's the best feeling i love to love it i love it i'm kidding um we're kidding no this is actually our first day on this new set do you like it do you like the table do you like the chicken i love the table i love the chair i i honestly like um it's so funny because there's probably four people in my life that i would do a podcast with you're one of them really no i don't i'm too busy but um if you know but in a world you know i mean i think that you and i would have worked well together we could have yeah i think something happened one day yeah yeah no because then something would happen to have happened to him because i don't want you to stretch yeah something can happen but i want to say that i could have done one there's only you i could do one with i could do one with theo mm-hmm and the red i'm doing it one-on-one you know what i mean but those are the only ones in life are you having fun doing bad friends with santino is anything fun with him i know i know ask yourself that is anything is anything fun with that guy yeah you know do you think like would you if somebody said heart okay yeah but you think he's a bad guy though i think that he needs um reminders you know and and that's why i think i i'm in his life to remind him like check yourself you have rage yeah check it where's his rage stem because he's red yeah you know redheads they have that deep rage yeah they do you can't even manufacture that yeah and i don't like touching him yep i remember when my first kid was born it came out with red hair and like it wasn't like full but it was like you saw hints of it and i remember the the doctor turned to me and she goes oh my god and like and i go oh i don't want him [Laughter] yeah yeah yeah what yeah is that red hair and she's like just a little bit and i was like cut it off she goes you don't give a hair to a newborn and i go i don't want it like that oh really yeah yeah so we did a haircut right there did you really yeah yeah yeah i said i'm not taking that oh wow yeah yeah you can't do that with andy andy oh he loves it when you call him andy by the way andy santino yeah yeah yeah yeah but now everybody knows yeah so everyone knows yeah call him call him andy he loves it yeah and and do something about that rage yeah you ever seen him fight or hit somebody or something oh he's been he's thrown things at me he has screamed at me yeah and to you that feels but i think i deserved it well you do yeah what were you doing give me one of your fight stories i antagonize him what do you do what why call him angie yeah just that hates it and he'll throw something at you oh there's a couple of things i can't say on the pod this podcast yeah i i there's a couple of things i'll tell you off the screen okay but i know a couple of things if i say it he will literally stab me for for sharing it no if i say it right in his face if i there's a couple of things i could stare right in his face and say it right and do something and he will [ __ ] snap let me just see if the uh give me the glasses real quick yeah i just want to see let the audience vote on whether i should get something like this i think it looked dope i mean these feel right yeah you look dope you got these in maui yeah but you can get anywhere not that expensive they're not no to you no i mean that's a big flex right there guy's got gucci [ __ ] he's like okay it's 125 now you're like i gotta get the [ __ ] out of it it's not that it's just that you know when you i i'm a man of my word okay and if you're a man of your word you said 120. you're ready to rap yeah so thank you for having me okay okay i really appreciate it can i can we do it again sometime oh any time and anytime like once a month one every other on the month away if you ever want to invite me on your podcast no pressure nope no pressure nope impressions we've done it got my glasses is this a gift gift no appreciate the gift give me oh wait send me a meal send me a meal okay and i'll give you your glasses okay that was really fast what was it right what was it surprised i can't tell you get my glasses peter luger send me just like a porterhouse i need to get out i'm gonna go i need to go i need to go all right just so you know bobby lee oh yeah so check me out bobby lee live tiger belly tiger belly and bad friends on the podcast bobby live is the website bobby lee live is my twitter my website and i also make note that this show the last time you'd ever hear him say the r word or the n word he's never doing it again he said i never said the n word you said it earlier today i said n word oh you said it no i didn't and i said the other one i said that was the last time i'm gonna say it yeah yeah yeah so you won't hear it again but you can loop these and make videos of him saying them and just enjoy it more in the future thank you bobby i love you thanks for coming buddy and tom tom and bert one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bitter booze amateur protology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave you

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 2,028,956

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: b9-r2g4bq6A

Length: 92min 32sec (5552 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 21 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/BR32andon]

I'm loving this Bertless 2 Bears.

[u/itsarudeo]

Slept King is on a roll at the moment. Bobby and K are on This Past Weekend this week too

[u/[deleted]]

Bobby is so fucking weird haha love it

[u/Sachihana86]

Here’s the music video Bobby was talking about Wonder Girls music Video

[u/masashi-sensei]

Hell yeah my two favorite comedians! Nosotros Mommies.

[u/k99001]

Holy shit cant wait to get off work for this

[u/[deleted]]

Segura is a good straight man because he has very good comedic timing. At times, the flamboyant gay uncle, Burnt can overshadow Segura’s more subtle jokes. Imo.

[u/voltronwormhat]

FUCK YES

[u/Ogtheokush]

NICE