Mathematicians Belong at Hogwarts. Paul Morrissey - Full Special

go back to Hogwarts with that crap why I woke up couple weeks ago I had a bruise on my side didn't run into anything didn't get hit by anything just got a bruise from supporting my own weight at night apparently sleeping is too much for me at this point this might be my last show is what I'm telling you folks so but I based my whole life on ice cream as any normal person would yeah yeah you don't have to be shy there's a couple people pretending like this crap behind me but no ice cream is the real deal I base everything in my life my favorite kind of ice cream is called Neapolitan which if you don't know Neapolitan is an Italian word that means two good flavors one disgusting one you hear that sound that's a room / strawberries what that is but you know the correct answer strawberries the correct answer go with your guts I don't know anything about religion politics I hope you're not looking for any guidance I don't have any the only two things I know number one strawberry ice cream sucks and number two math is make-believe now I know that second one makes me sound stupid but is there any math teachers here so I thought they're all wizards it's yeah it's sorcery as far as I'm concerned go back to Hogwarts with that crap no this isn't for dumb people I'm not an idiot there's a certain amount of math there's addition subtraction but you remember you get around like seventh eighth grade they just started making stuff up yeah I'll tell you how you knew when you got into class you went in there as just all they stopped using numbers and math anybody remember it's going there it's all letters they were like a plus B equals C Paul I think it's done I don't know that I miss English class is this a Scrabble challenge I think I gotta go even the unit sound like they made it up that day like this next units called guesstimate hehe all you gotta do is guess the answers Paul yeah sounds easy but I got the quiz back and I failed [Applause] I was like how I fail this is a guess oh you didn't guess close enough I guess mm-hmm and this was the kicker the next unit was called the law of diminishing returns this is how they actually explained they said Paul you know how you have one piece of cake the second piece isn't as good I said no I have no idea what you're talking about you're eating the wrong cake I know I'm pretty pale I blend in with you people but that's all right I'm originally from upstate New York that's where I get this tan from and soak it in ladies that's just a joke sir have a pale pale fellow this isn't even spotlight this just me glowing from being in the Sun earlier today I store light so tan is that one of my colors I have two colors I have white and I have red February put sunscreen and where I missed with the sunscreen right the end of the day just look like a big fat candy cane sitting on the beach big white handprint on my belly that's not a good look I'm jealousy of people that tan you get complimented you know strangers will come up and say oh what a beautiful tan whenever I spend all day in the Sun people won't say all that looks like it hurts we've got a little fire engine red go in there lobster boy put some Noxzema on that or something I even have like a reddish you to me out of I'm so pale you can see the blood through my skin or what's going on like whenever I Photoshop my pictures on the computer to remove the redeye it just blacks out my whole face it's good to be here I'm standing at a very nice hotel I don't want to brag I got a pretty good memory foam mattress at the hotel yeah yeah a few people don't know a memory foam mattress is a mattress that lets you know exactly how fat you are that's right and it bonus at the hotel exactly how fat the person was the night before and believe it or not is always good when they are bigger than you kind of nestled in that crevice doesn't feel so lonely I always get roped into the weird shampoo they have I don't know they have some kind of weird fruit or something this time and it just said aromatic wood which I don't know when shampoo got into the wood business I don't know if that's a good thing you know to walk into a room and everyone's like oh he smells like he just got done sanding a bench nose smells like I'm out in the woods Zac they clean I don't know every time they do a deodorant commercial for a Mountain Fresh deodorant I think they're being sarcastic you don't I mean like all your friends live in the mountains smell like crap don't they that's a yeah you're real mountain fresh Bob Mountain fresh head arena cartoon never does a lot for yourself esteem when you go to the rental place you ask for the cheapest piece of crap car you can get then they give you the same car that you actually own I'll let that one sink in for a minute I live in Los Angeles now I made that move yeah not a good move not for the pale people it's not a good move first couple of weeks even my friends like hey you need to get that taken care of I'm like what like your face you need to do that spray tan or something what's about you that just made me look like I stuck my face and a bowl full of Cheetos or something which I've done it's delicious but it's an odd look oddly presidential that lesson stress out of the room I don't know if that's what was holding us back that's one thing we can agree on he's got a weird orange face so I got a girlfriend sorry everybody I don't want to dangle this meat in front of you girlfriend is like Canadian which I didn't know she's Canadian she just got a tattoo of a maple leaf on her leg I just thought she is big fan of autumn or something but that's what they do when you're born in Canada they will brand you with the maple leaf just so you can get back in without waiting in line it's like a Disney pass and feel like some of you guys are gonna take this whole show away too seriously I'm not sure but she's uh yeah she's she's half black she's half Scottish and she's Canadian which is great but it makes me feel like I bring nothing to the table yeah I'm like old-fashioned white guy like not even up this century you know like it's not cool to look like me in 2017 I'm aware of that you don't have to you don't have to worry about hurting my feelings I know that I look like somebody from the past coming and give you a message about the future it's okay but Drew Carey jr. in 2017 not a good look Giroux Carey doesn't even look like this anymore he changed it up and I was trying to think maybe it's just on my time the chubby cheeks pale you know when was it cool to look like me I researched it sir cuz you know it's part of my job so I'm back not the 20s not the 30s you got to go back last time it was cool to look like me I pinpointed it was Europe in the 1600s yeah I missed my primetime window to be cool by about 400 years and that's just because the bar was very very low you know everyone had bubonic plague and scurvy and typhoid yeah chubby cheeks back then it was impressive to women yeah oh I bet that guy's a king he's got a castle he can afford meat but now looking like this 2017 just said white guy you know I'm allergic to hypoallergenic shampoo that's how bad the earth wants to get rid of me so uh what kind of a crowd we have my married folks married people happily married people I can't even do a tinder joke tonight I'll still do it no I got tenure because I have a girlfriend that's the rule number one classy thing to do and all the women in LA they all have the same exact sentence on all their tinder profiles they all wrote this sentence they say this I'm fluent in sarcasm hehe so I'm a comedian I wrote back to one of the girls like oh that's so cool that you're fluid in sarcasm she was like really I was like no I was being sarcastic here you know what fluent means not sure but uh yeah I have it got ready for this special get a pants new did new pants for the show big day things are happening this guy's like that I don't buy it no these are the special looked worn in pants you actually pay extra for somebody else to wear them for a couple of weeks just jog around and so I love that job so so I was in the mall I bought pants and the weird thing happened at the register I know if this has happened to you got handed me the receipt he said hey would you like to donate a dollar to this anti-bullying program that's it no that's okay he goes ah come on you cheap weasel I think you're on the wrong side of this campaign dude [Applause] make it down a few notches with a name Cohen we're right next to the food court I feel like I'm getting shaken down for my lunch money again it is weird to see everybody so inside their phones you know especially at the mall you know they're so happy flying a bird into a wall you know they're just smiled and then you see when they almost run into you they just look up and then they realize they're back in there disappointing life again oh my god crap I'm me this sucks I wish I was a bird oh I did see a weird thing in the mall I saw an engagement sale at the mall which I think that's the least romantic thing I've ever heard a woman doesn't want to get married under those conditions you know the guy who comes home hey honey you know how you've been wanting to get married the last couple years well you are in luck because today there's a sale at the mall yeah place right next to Spencer Gifts and I kind of love you so let's do this Mary people run applause how many people have mayor people [Applause] that's a lot of jewelry smashing together half of it's nice right just the women win that one the men's wedding rings the saddest thing in the world yeah it's like the money that's left over from the wedding right it's like a wire off a notebook they don't care about you guys at all meds wedding ring or Mazzio's things they put on rare birds and those wildlife TV shows here soon put that copper band around the birds Talon skeletal serial number on these scientists shoot you down with a tranquilizer see even the right part of the country and throw you back it's purely for tracking purposes they're thinking there's a women get the nice one right that's the expensive one right we all know that here's the thing I'm not against uh mayors I like marriage I think the jewelry thing is weird like I think you should bring all the money that you're gonna spend on the engagement ring you go together to them all right and then you make that decision together you're like all right honey here we are here's all the mall but the money we have in this bag right here we're in the mall so there's I just want to let you know we're in the mall we have options so the Jewish store right there that's where you get that ring that you dreamed about but like I said we have options yeah so also for the same exact price right across the way we can also buy the Cinnabon franchise right across the way that's right we could buy an engagement Cinnabon is everyone getting that correctly that's real estate and revenue for years to come that we could build our family fortune on Porgy that ring that you might lose in Zumba class next week [Applause] I say Cinnabon I don't know about you guys Yuri grudgingly clapped at that when I get point but I in no way we're getting away with that um I just think you ever see people that wear a ring for like a really weird reason like you ever see is people they wear a ring just because they graduated from high school that's sad how low were your expectations you got jewelry just because you finished 12th grade really that's pretty pretty hard it's just the wrong room to do this joke in or what you guys leave behind everyone's tired in their hands I don't always talk about manless people I just don't get is that like proof or stupid people at their job when they do something dumb their boss is like what are you a did you even finish high school guys look at it check it out right there buddy read it and weep I even played a little JV baseball check it out little ball in the glove right there means I was an athlete this side I got a math book too used to be mathletes you don't believe me check out my car got a tassel hanging from the rearview mirror get too close to home for me so but this is cool night you guys having fun so far this is it this working for years I have a Dave Letterman show Craig Ferguson show a next step wherever we are in Utah right now no I'm just kidding I know where we are man Provo that's it not Provo Spain Provo Utah buddy I don't know if you knew where you were here just like I see a guy talking there's a fruit stand behind him I don't get it yeah these are all the foods that I will not eat in I did try a juice cleanse error that thing a juice cleanse I just finished the juice cleanse did a six-hour cleanse yeah it's a that was a five day cleanse I just quit doing after six hours I'm in charge of the rules and sugar pains and withdrawals from I don't know what I don't know I don't trust any of those juices you know like the Green Machine they make it like oh this is healthy no looks like a dirty fish tank if your pool looked like that you would clean it or the kale chips and so everyone scale that just looks like you cleaned out your lawn mower something waitin too close to home you guys sound healthy you're like oh I just I just find it weird that there's a fruit rhetoric look readily available cuz you know back when I was cool in the 1600s people used to bring rotten fruit to the shows and if you weren't any good they would throw the fruit at you now I have I'm in charge of the fruit so this might be the greatest comedy show you've ever seen if you're not paying attention you're gonna get hit right in the head with a tomato like how is the show is fantastic guy hit me right in the face so I got classes that's the long the short of it sir I got glasses and what I can see clearly now is that I have a Blake black dot in the middle of my floating around and I went to the doctor I was freaking out thought I was gonna die what is this his brain cloud what the heck is it and he said oh you didn't go worry about that that's called a floater you went to medical school for 12 years and you're gonna pull floater out on me my copay is a hundred bucks can you at least give me worth the ends and itis or osis feel like I'm getting ripped off with floater [Laughter] it's a real thing I didn't know that piece of a piece of cartilage floating around your eye just gonna be there till it's not that was the prognosis that was the first time in my life they didn't want to fix anything you know usually want to fix it to whatever uh you just got it's gonna get worse from here now that was those were the words that I felt like I heard cuz she was just like hey you're gonna get two or three more of those they'll become friends you can play music shake your head around during Christmas feel like one big snow globe [Music] it's ridiculous there's a there's a lot food that I haven't tried I've never tried coffee in my life that's a true story it's because I tried coffee ice cream and it tasted like crap so in my book the ice cream version is the best possible version [Music] I've never had an egg either and that's just because they don't make egg ice cream so how good could it be and don't eat an egg just wait for it to grow up tastes so much better you get that one it's a chicken we're on TV right now I can't wait for you guys to think this out there is a food that I can't stand though all makes me angry to think about it you got a food that you hate that you won't try it off you'll try anything huh you're like the tester you're like a food tester for the poison let her eat it - I hate this food with a passion and I don't hate people I just hate inanimate objects so I feel like that's better yeah but I hate I hate soup I hate people that smell like soup a people I don't like people with soup recipes I don't even like the word soup the way it starts it ends all slippery like that you know and people get upset they're like how could you not like soup soup is good food that's the slogan I was like nah it's like 1 percent food its water that touched food at one point that's obvious hey y'all frustrated how could you not like chicken noodle soup don't you like chicken it's like yeah I love chicken I just never thought that dumping a bucket of hot water on top would make it taste better soup is literally the watered-down version of what I want to eat and water doesn't help food you don't order your steak soggy dish that doesn't work I mean here's the thing you eat soup when you're broke that's why it's so cheap there's nothing in it you know you eat soup when you run out of teeth when you can't chew actual food anymore still not on board how about this it's the only food that crackers make it taste better that's how if you need saltines to spice it up I'm sorry that's a crappy crappy food I've tried a lot of foods I did try to eat at Subway nine days in a row you ever do that don't do that I had I had a moment of clarity with Subway after nine days I figured out that all the meats the same is have a guy that spray paints and different colors in the back true story one economy forty kinds of bread though that can't be true right I think there's two kinds of bread I think there's white and wheat everything else is something they made up that day they get all excited try a new bride of the week but dazzle pumpernickel why is it sparkling where it's a green you want nine grain 20 grain you want 40 grain bread pretty soon it's just gonna be wood right yeah can I get a six-inch turkey on is that cedar footlong roast beef on bamboo yeah I wanna toast it and varnish give it a good shellacking detect that wood so the other thing I was gonna talk about so I got glasses that I was thinking about getting a tattoo now I'm trying to think how many people have good tattoos round of applause that's kind of what's hurting my decision is even people that like their tattoos you find that they lose steam halfway through explaining it you know like oh my I still like it it's a gnome that's playing football and yeah I probably shouldn't got this one I probably probably should have sobered up then I could wear short sleeves in the summer without my kids laughing at me still want to make that mistake man and I've lived through a couple of generations I've seen them you know like I remember when I was in college everyone got a barbed wire tattoo why wouldn't you want a fake barbed wire drilled into your arm that's a good decision if you work at Bank of America right and then everyone got the Chinese symbol nothing it's the Chinese language but the hardest language to learn no one ever took it in school you just gotta trust that Vinnie at the tattoo shop has perfect Chinese script and if you go to a Chinese guy just gotta trust these not goofing on you and put cashew chicken on your neck instead of instead of loyalty or whatever you want oh no I guess here's the thing here's the analogy like remember the Fitbit everybody at the Fitbit we all had it for exactly a month and then we all decide all this is stupid why we have this that's what I'm worried my tattoos are gonna be like if I get three bad tattoos like wearing a Fitbit a Snuggie in Crocs for the rest of my life [Applause] I don't think I can go through with it but uh but uh I was gonna talk about uh Burt's Bees ever that guy Burt's got a lot of bees and it's a weird thing a beauty product based on a 95 year old hobo with a dirty beard and a raggedy hat and the reason I know what he looks like is cuz they have a picture on the side of the box of exactly what this guy looks like it's almost a testament to how good the products are they oh we put an old looking creepy guy on the side and still buy our beauty product because you know it works and Burt's I mean the hottest thing is the chapstick and Burt from what I can tell doesn't have any lips I think he's 90% beers and so and you know they had a meeting they're like hey we got this new moisturizer who should we put on the side Jennifer Aniston Salma Hayek and one guys like how about Burt there's an ERT on the side of that Gordon's fish sticks box yeah but he's looking to get back in the game man so this guy is fun tonight I'm wired now I'm gonna have tough time sleeping and you know I was trying to find a better way to sleep and went to the doctor and they said here's the natural thing take is called melatonin he said oh it's organic your body makes it what she thought was gonna relax me but just in my mind I was creeped out because it was like oh if our body makes it then where do you guys get it from I was just picturing all these warehouses from like the vampire movies of people hanging upside down draining melatonin cuz this is weird cuz most of the day you feel like you don't have any energy at all and then at night you can't go to sleep there's no weird thing and then so everyone's got like five hour energy in a bottle yeah they've literally sell energy in a bottle 5-hour energy and energy bars is the thing I tried cuz my mom is a very cool lady she runs the New York City Marathon every year she's driving the exterior marathon 25 years in a row yeah [Applause] and what makes that applause so sweet is that I've never had to run a step myself and you guys still clap for my mom running 26.2 miles it feels pretty good and took no effort at all and my my park and so so she'll run and she's just one of those people that just runs like she doesn't wear headphones shouldn't do anything she just runs until the voices in her head stop you know what I mean and so when she's running these marathons they give her all these energy bars and all this stuff and she gives them to me because she thinks all Pauls the performer dynamic figure he'll used the energy bars and don't tell her that I stand in one place and turn my head to both sides of the room that's all the energy I need so I ate this energy bar a power bar for power and energy and I hope you have ever done that but it doesn't work and it just made me angry to eat it just tasted like a piece of tar you know I don't know if that's where the energy was supposed to come from just the anger of eating something that you thought was a candy bar and it turned out to be the worst thing that you've ever seen in your life and so it didn't work and then but then there's stages that's the number one that's what you're supposed to eat before you run the marathon and then and there's a number two that's just the goo that you shoot in your mouth like if you're running so much that you don't have time to eat which hasn't happen to me by the way I've never had that problem I usually find if I'm running long enough I'll just stop and eat and then there's actually a bar that you're supposed to eat after you use your energy to replenish your energy it's all about energy it's like a filling and iPhone you know and so this one is it tastes like peanut butter that's why I liked it I was like oh I'll eat this one but it sat on the side helps build lean muscle which that part kind of confused me because I have a very little muscle right now be honest with you and I would like it to be as big as possible I don't I don't want anything lean hi well I want my fat lean yeah I could do that I have an overabundance of fat right now and if there's a bar that would lean that out and give me wiry lanky fat and huge bulbous muscle ain't taste like peanut butter that's the big important part I don't know so but I'm not gonna run a marathon I know you're worried but no so uh so I do I do talk a lot about sports - I played basketball in college about 30 pounds ago and I'm still in shape for baseball though let's be honest you ever see those guys don't play - they're like 90 now they keep changing the rules even if the guy wants to quit he's like here's my glove I don't want to play in the field anymore the man is just like all right you'd be our designated hitter then I guess it all right what if I don't want to run the bases either that's all right we'll get you a pinch runner - all right what if I don't want to do anything I just want to look fat in uniform all right you be our first base coach and if you've seen baseball they're the third-base coach it gets signals done stuff they got first base they need that guy since the Little League when the kids were too dumb to make it the first base you know needed some kids died with a flashlight from the airport to bring them down you know trailer M&Ms for the chubby kid to make it that kid was me but I did become a TV sports anchor for a luau as ABC sports anchor which sounds impressive but it was in Redding California where there are no sports now as some but I thought I was gonna cover like NFL NBA I just ended up covering like seven year olds playing soccer on TV there's nothing against them but I still try to make it dramatic you know I'd be like channel 7 game of the week the Bears versus the cats both teams coming in with a record of zero zero into eight that's because we haven't had any goals so far this season and there's only two teams in the league the Bears started off drilling Sam Dekker dribbling through he's got an open field if he wants wait he stops he bends over he found a penny okay beers celebrating that penny now Brad Smith driving through he's got would feel but they young something Adam the yelling he's got cooties apparently is what they're yelling at Brad Brad yelling back adamantly that he doesn't have cooties now Brad's a little sister Amy coming out administering what looks like a cootie shot if I could see Circle Circle dot dot yeah that's a cootie shower right there now the ice cream truck is coming everyone's running off the field we're gonna have to take a commercial break there's no one left sounds more fun than it was if you want to know more about me and who doesn't let's be honest serum adorable I have a website it's Paul has a website calm yeah it's pretty clever there's also Paul Marcy calm he's a real estate agent in San Diego don't buy anything out that guy's website and a friend tried to buy my CD ended up with a 1.2 million dollar mansion in La Jolla and he he just works the sizzler he can't handle the payments so he's hiding in Oregon right now so it's a sad story so make sure you go to Paul has a website calm all right are you ready I feel like okay all right we're finishing strong I know you guys some of you guys are crashing some you guys are you had too many gummy bears we're gonna finish strong though like I wish I was you to know how hard is be laughing in 30 seconds that's not good this next joke is my being too cocky maybe that's what Friday night in Provo Utah deserves am i right people so I went to a nutritionist to try to eat better which is a weird thing he basically tells someone what you ate and they tell you how bad it was they ate it it's like going to confession for food pretty much yeah I don't need that kind of guilt in my life and you always lie about why eat make it sound like healthier than it is so you don't sound like a fat slob to this person you know so she said what did you have for lunch today Paul I said had a sandwich no mayonnaise no cheese she said that sounds healthy what kind of bread did you use chocolate [Music] what kind of sandwich does that is nice cream sandwiches I deliver it what man come on you looked on face you're the only one that wasn't like oh yeah that was supposed to be good and it was I always went away whenever I went to the nutritionist always wondered like the July 4th the hot dog eating contest is coming up and I always wondered if those guys had a nutritionist you know when you go in there you know like what'd you have for lunch yesterday and yeah it's not good it was my cheat day would you have just hotdogs how many 1 2 48 were you over at calorie counts by nine thousand calories I just had water though [Laughter] I talk a lot about food too much man I remember I remember one time because people are always sensitive like gluten-free everyone wants to know exactly what's in their food you know and everyone gets really sensitive if something is on your food and I don't think it's supposed to be like I had a guy when I was working at a club he spilled cheese on my fries he said I'm sorry I was winning a hamburger I spilled cheese on your fries it's like what why do you apologize it you're acting like it was poison you spilled cheese on my fries that's like spilling sunshine on a cloudy day it's like spilling frosting on a birthday cake that's not a mistake that's exactly what it's supposed to be so uh-oh well I wasn't attached so I was a couple weeks ago I got a letter a picture of me from the police department of me running a red light they wanted three hundred and sixty-five dollars no and we're say wasn't a good picture and I was like grainy black-and-white couldn't really see my face you know you figured for Hollywood they get spruced it up with some special effects I be driving a Porsche out of an explosion with Angelina Jolie or something but the best part I got out of the ticket because on the picture they removed the redeye so just black me right out of there [Applause] see it's all coming together everybody but I do want to thank you guys so much get round applause - the drive our people everybody working hard for these [Applause] if you enjoy the show make sure you come back and make sure you check out the specials on the website and everything and I will leave you on this I'm gonna do another great job for you I don't mean to make it uncomfortable but it's gonna be good so you don't have anything to worry about just sit back relax let the laughter hit you right in the face no I can't thank you guys enough this is truly a dream come true especially have every food that I've never eaten in my life sitting right behind me I still don't even know what half of that stuff is I don't right alright good focused on so I live in California which is a cool place kind of freed are they we have a different laws like we had the gay marriage law first then we didn't have it and then they had the gay marriage law everywhere but in the meantime they ended up with all these other rinky-dink mayor's laws you know like common-law marriage every or that that's just if you live with the same person for a couple of years later like it or not boom you're married yeah that's one that scares me you know no party no honeymoon no cake nothing just wake up you're married that sounds like a nightmare and that a lot of states ended up having gay marriage and common-law marriage what you think is very confusing because what happens if you used to end up with like two loser dude sharing the same crappy apartment for a couple years it's been known to happen both working part-time the pizza place hanging out every weekend a few years goes by boom their mayor's seem at a party they're newlyweds I didn't know Tony and Jim were gay they're married now what did they fall in love they didn't this never got full time jobs alright thank you guys so much

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 593,453

Rating: 4.6686368 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Paul Morrissey, Paul Morrissey Dry Bar Comedy, Paul Morrissey Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, stand up, hogwarts, harry potter, hot dog eating contest, ice cream sandwich, pale skin, neapolitan

Id: 7UMibX7_kn8

Length: 38min 16sec (2296 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 07 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/jamesdcreviston]

Paul is one of the funniest. He also has a great album called Paul Morrissey’s Back.