The Craziest Police Stop You've Ever Heard. Sam Adams - Full Special

I turned them on like nah man not today we are nah man 57 man I remember when I was a kid 57 sounded like so far away I mean I remember you know just being a kid and being around my dad and and thinking okay if I make it to that old I'm gonna be really oh and he wasn't that old man but he you know taught me a few things how to be I guess you could say handy you know you know fathers I think fix everything with anything my first car was a 1972 Ford Maverick had all the things that a used car had which was not anything that worked you know had the mirrors that you know not like today like you young folks you got a mirror that says object is closer than it appears are mirrors it was right where it was supposed to be you back up your car now you'd be like oh I got room oh no no we knew what was behind us my windshield wipers didn't work they were not intermittent they were just lazy I turned them on like nah man not today we are I had two cupholders you know the cupholders the one where you Jam one hit on the driver's side and jam one in on the passenger side they better match colors or you get oh you know that's what we were said you know what I didn't have that all of you had in your first car I didn't have a gas pedal she's looking at me like what now I'm at the gas pedal broke the pen popped out I didn't know about this stuff at the time but my dad did and we pushed the car in the driveway he said give me ten minutes ten minutes later he comes out you are good to go I get in the car I started up I rolled down the window and I mean rolled down the window and said thanks dad I love you put my foot down flat nothing roll down the window attack and doing things that well did you pull the string then I do what you got to pull the string my dad took a lot more string and ran it down and hooked it up so the only way that I can accelerate is do I was like dude you gotta be kidding me there you wanna drive the car you gotta pull the string and it was awkward at first but you have to learn your bearings so I'm like okay if I get right by here is 30 if I get right by here is 45 I get right here it's 55 I get behind my back I'm in trouble right so I'm driving around and I couldn't Drive distract it because I have to keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the string you know you can't you can't hold a phone or anything like that if I want to take a sip out of my pop bang cop and a cup holder I just lean over and try to grab the straw with my tongue but the best thing was driving coming to a red Lane I look over there the police I knew what I was going to little voice in my head was like don't don't don't don't you never listen to the little voice right light turned green I put both my feet up on the dashboard just [Applause] they pulled me over man they pulled me over and I just knew I was gonna get a ticket and the policeman came out and he started walking to the window and I was shaking because I was a little teenager right and I know I'm getting a ticket I look up here's a twenty dollar bill on my face I was like what is this he said man that was the best magic trick I've ever seen now it's nice to be here and let's just have fun I think we all have a right to Lab you know people get angry and upset about so many things and sometimes you just need to laugh about things find a reason to laugh about things I I make a joke about race find a reason to laugh about it no sense to get mad sad angry upset you know when I talk about race it's funny to me it is think about it if somebody started like me we say black somebody's light we say white think about this this is the two blandest colors in the crayon box that's what we use to describe ourselves right I was thinking about this I was doing a show in Nebraska her.she Nebraska go figure population 560 know you in a small town when all the businesses begin with words though I'm driving through there's the bank the store the jail my gig was at the bar when I walked in and I realized that the town's name was Hershey but they hadn't seen chocolate before until I show but they were nice people there was funny because at the end of the show lady came up she said can't take a picture with you and I was like sure so you know she had to somebody or a phone and we posed and I put my arm around her and just when they were getting ready to take the picture she looked up and said I've never been this close to a black man and I look down said I'm not black and she said and that's how they took the picture of her and so she was like what do you mean you're black I said no let me tell you something I'm gonna tell you or what I told her just because I'm dark doesn't mean I'm black any more than just because she was like mushy what we all have a true color like when this government does the census report every 10 years they ask a bunch of questions one of the questions is race the first box the check in that category is for white now the second box my race they have multiple choices black common african-american common Negro come a-runnin back I'm a rapper but they had a little box to write something in and that write in box is what made me decide to find my true color now how do you do that go to a hardware store go into paint it took me about 15 minutes but I found my true color if you say I'm black I'm not mad that's not racist I'm not offended I'm just telling you all here in Provo Utah I know my true color I'm a shade of brown called chocolate indulgence hello 50 shades of chocolate indulgence me all you people have been told you're away you're not white your shade of paint called papaya smoothie I looked it up I know it's silly but it's funny and that's why you got to find a reason to laugh so find your true color and then report it to the government don't know what color you really are you might be papaya smoothie you might be rosy taupe I don't know but report it when they see that we have so many different colors we're not just a black-and-white like they label us maybe they'll stop asking us what color we are to find some much more important things in the world to solve okay [Applause] nice man important things in the world to solve like how to put a muzzle on Justin Bieber baby baby baby I just want to punt him like a football just I don't know man there's so much stuff going on man I just I try to focus on family and just try to focus on home I have an 11 year old a 7 year old at home yeah my car is 11 my phone is 7 yeah actually I have a 28 year old son okay he'll be six next year 28 he's a man I know it cuz he told me he died 28 I'm a man and then he did this I thought he had indigestion I didn't know what it's funny how you know he had to announce that and it made me think that maybe it's time for me to give him some fatherly advice you know cuz when I was growing up you know my father gave me advice the same advice that my grandfather gave him and by the way just so you all know that Sam Adams thing that is not a stage name that is a family name I'm not not up to the beer the guy on the beer bottle was Sam Adams light we were two different guys my dad's name was Sam Adams my grandfather's name was Sam Adams I'm saying Adams I didn't want my son to be teased about being named Sam Adams I gave him his own identity I named him Guinness changed but but my grandfather he's you know like like older people they like to give advice right it's not really advice it's more like incoherent thoughts but you let them roll with it you know my grandmother would just say so hey boy you got a girlfriend no what's she waiting for even the blind squirrel can find a porcupine underneath the Christmas tree I don't even know what that means but I'll never forget the advice he gave me that I actually passed on to my son the 28 year old man my grandfather told me this long time he said i'ma tell you the five keys to a healthy happy life forever man you write these down and some of you young guys here tonight feel free to write these down the five keys to a healthy happy life that's told to me by Samuel Roosevelt Adams senior you say cue number one find a good woman you're holding on to I wrote it down key number two find a good job you hold on to it broke that down key number three you save your money son wrote that down key number fo you treat people the way you want to be treated so I wrote that down key number five even helping don't have kids now I tried to tell your daddy to hey hey hey hey hey I love that man I love getting old I love kid no man I'm 57 young people clapping you gonna get there and when you do oh my god I'm 57 you know I know I'm getting all by watching all those daytime television shows and I have a specific regimen okay every day Monday through Friday I watch the same block of shows watch The Price is Right I watch The Young and the Restless don't judge me i watch the bowling the beautiful I watch the talk I watched let's make a deal the same five shows every day Monday through Friday when you watch the same group Michelle's really if you just watch any shows during the day you see a bunch of commercials okay and when you're my age you notice that those commercials are for dysfunctions and disorders my age they talking to you you need a pill you know how you know you need a pill cuz they tell you you need a pill by the end of the week I think I got COPD or maybe it's edy or maybe it's BP h i j k l m n oh I got to go pee again cuz that's what you said everyday it's a new one turn the TV on today watching in my hotel room the guy came on do your toes burn when you sneeze [Laughter] no but my eyes water when I pass gas is there a pill for that every day man I shaved my head not to try to be cool I just wanted to send a message to the hairs that have been growing out of my nostrils in my ears a dreadlock coming out of my left ear two weeks ago now and you know what if you or you know someone who is dealing with some of those things the COPD zbp inches whatever I would never make fun of those particular things I'll say the cures appeals the names of the pills a mildly hilarious and you've seen the commercials januvia Julia the Tuda lyrica fellow needs every time one of those commercials come on and I hear the name I think wow I think I dated her back in high school [Applause] I keep waiting for them to come on are you suffering from chronic back aches we'll ask your doctor for laquanda not asking for the Qantas she's the reason why my back hurts to begin with so I traveled all over most of my gigs though for some weird reason are in Nebraska I am but Wayne Newton is to Las Vegas that's what I am in Nebraska they just get up there and they go he looks like he'll come and I will I'm gonna go but that's just the way it is you know you go around you go and you want them see people's faces you want to see if they're gonna laugh you want to see if they're gonna like make stupid faces and they do but you gotta be careful when you're driving I mean I'll never forget I was in the hey Springs Nebraska and if you google it be quick cuz it's very small place it'd be like where to go it was quick I got pulled over hey Springs Nebraska and you know what they asked you when they pulled you over you know why I pulled you over in low voice in my head said just answer the question correctly but I didn't listen to the little voice in my head that day and I looked at the officer and I said cuz you thought I was Bill Cosby [Applause] he gave me a written warning so I guess he liked the answer my mother doesn't like when I tell that story I always feel may I always think about to the past I think back to the past and and then did I you know was I was I a good son and did i disappoint my parents I can only think of one time that I thoroughly disappointed my parents see my dad wanted me to be an athlete a lot of dads are like that they want to sense it be athletes it's natural I guess my mom wanted me to be a musician so between the two I thought okay I'm doing both proud so I came home with a two-book a tuba actually it was a sousaphone you know I'm talking about the bigger thing well you have to be athletic to carry it you know to be musically inclined to play it so I figure they'd be okay with this they were not okay my mother was like I don't know why you got that thing you gonna have to feed it and take care of each other it's a sousaphone mama I don't care what kind of phone it is you want to take care of yourself and so I had the sousaphone in the house you know and and I was just learning how to play it and if you've never played a tube or a sousaphone it's the process it starts with learning how to blow into the mouthpiece and you cannot do it with the rest of the instrument you just take the mouthpiece and do this it's like blowing up a bounce house you just walk around a house for a week and then they move you up to where you can blow into the instrument and then you go oh I'm good now once you blow into it you think you are the bomb I start playing the jaws thing you know I mean I was having fun with I was like man I'm gonna be great at this but in my neighborhood it doesn't matter what you had there were thugs who were gonna take it from you a car money sousaphone I'm walking up the street and the gangster of the neighborhood Stacie's a man give me that too and of course I was like it's not a tool but it's a survivor I don't care what kind of phone of here man give it to me and so it's like three guys Stacy and his two boys against me me and my sousaphone so I took a step back I was like you want to since the phone I said give it to me all right you want it imma give it to you and I just went knocked him out with a b-flat he hit the ground the other two came at me I just swung into action sprayed them they're all on the ground all of a sudden the lady across the street comes out I've been waiting for somebody to take care of them boys thanks to my boy I said it's a sousaphone I have no luck with dating man I'm the worst at dating I do what the people do now first of all my way of applause married people clap your hands [Applause] all right single people clap your hands [Applause] that table how many people in a relationship all right here we go here we go so it was like marry people single people that table a man relationship scattered someone speak to the single people did you notice when I say a relationship the vast majority of married people didn't clap see you guys are all looking at me but I'm looking at you and I saw a lot of people looking at each other going well we stopped relating alone and it's funny because you try to figure out what you know from a man's perspective you try to figure out what women are looking for and it's hard to do when you're behind a computer but I think I know one of the big factors and ladies y'all can tell me by applying or whatever I mean I think one of the keys is ladies want a man who listens a lot of guys we're gonna be right now like man just shut up nobody asked you to come here and be dr. fields did you do you want a man that listens you were there man who can you know so you got it here good to listen right is that right you know you think about that word here H EA are here that word appears and a lot of other words that pertain to live think about it heart the symbol of love H EA R T right share sh8 re fara P it's there those guys right now th yeah but yeah I do what you do now I'm uh I'm online I'm on all those website match.com on plentyoffish calm on christianmingle.com I'm on farmersonly.com I do a lot of shows in Nebraska you never know but it's do it's it's different it's funny man first of all that profile thing you know it's like filling out a job application I just don't want you to check my references you know and ladies are so any now I like hiking and biking and camping and fishing and skiing and snorkeling and horse skating I don't even know what horse skating is we're gonna go out I like eating and sleeping and drinking boom one lady put on her profile she wants a man that makes at least a hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year that's what she said I wrote her back that's the girlfriend times are hard I need a man to make 150 I didn't mind yeah it's an interesting thing man is the interesting thing but you know the thing that we used to do for me growing up we used to like go party just go to a night club dance meet somebody you know maybe you get to the point where you get a phone number at the end of the night we walk away here with bed you get a number man yeah I got a number man let me see it I didn't have to write it down I remembered it that was always my excuse man I didn't need to write it down you know I had my son do this earlier this year when I turn 57 my son's dad I'm gonna take you to Las Vegas so he's sure him by you steel guy that's like God would go and the funny thing is he said dad I'm gonna take you to Las Vegas but I bought the plane tickets so we go to Las Vegas and and I don't like Las Vegas I'm not a gambler I don't gamble my money ever since I found out my sleep numbers higher than my credit score it's okay you can laugh look honking laughs I'll get you back to Vegas in a second but you can laugh about things I said it before you have a right to laugh about things there's no reason to be sad bad angry upset if I tell you that my sleep nervous hired on my credit score you can laugh like I laugh about stuff all the time and I go to places like the Starbucks where people pay crazy amounts of money for a cup of coffee I live in Colorado I went to Aspen where the pretty people live and they pay the mountain prices up there and lady in front of me ordered a venti nonfat no-foam latte she asked for six pumps of cinnamon yeah then it came out to 7.62 cents and I started laughing hard I mean I was like and she was like what's so funny and I was like you dummy got to pay seven dollars and 62 cents for a cup of coffee for seven dollars and 62 cents I want a fat I want the phone module give me six pumps of whiskey for seven dollars and 62 cents laughs about stuff man so anyway so we go to this nightclub and everybody here there was half my age I knew it I looked at him especially the guys they had on the uniform the shirts had Sparkle and glitter the jeans were ultra tight hair was spiky they looked like they had just stepped off the set of Jersey Shore they did they all look like this guy that was on that show younger man so Jersey Shore the dumbest show in the history of dumb shows but they had a guy on the show that called himself to situation and I think that's the greatest nickname ever my nickname growing up butch I wish when I was 12 years old back in 1972 I wish I would have walked into the house after school mom and dad from now on you two will address me as the situation 10 seconds later my mother again on the phone hello now why why we gots a situation laid out on there for no one oh I know what happened my husband the solution knocked him out but you know I'm at this nightclub and and and I'm gonna try to blend it and they're playing songs that I don't know look I still listen to music from the sixties and early seventies Stevie Wonder temptations Motown that's where I live I don't leave if you ever pull up next to me and I'm driving along you can bet I'm probably listening to this Stevie I'm listening to my share we have more something but they don't play that in Vegas they play these songs that I don't know you know and I think all of them are new I heard this one song while were at the club my son stood next to me for as long as he could before you realized he was standing next to a square and we're listening to this one song and maybe some of y'all know this song I didn't know it I thought it was brand-new and I was trying to be cool moving to it and the song went this is why I'm high this is why I'm high this is why this is why this is why I'm high I'm hot cuz I'm fly you ain't cuz you're not this is why my son was like dad I saw 10 years old stop moving and I'm like world is still stupid I mean if he hot why don't he go inside and turn the air conditioning all these rap songs all can be solved they all have problems that could be solved so easy not a problem some of them are funny to me though some of them are funny and some of them like I into like okay now he's not really a rapper I don't think but like Bruno Mars look I laid it up I just say Bruno Mars the women oh whatever ladies love you know what I didn't know what the fuss was about what Bruno Mars a couple years ago you know I came to a Denver and and I went to the show and and I bought a ticket and it was me and ten thousand women and I get there and he comes out on stage and he's a ball of fire done done that he's a little dude he's like four foot two but ladies love them you know and they were going crazy and I'm looking around I'm like hey girl how you doing a girl I ain't put those back on hey and then Bruno slowed it down I mean slowed it down the lights went dim set but one spotlight was on him and he started singing this song that he performed with the rapper named Bo B not Bob b.o.b and and but he didn't happy OB with him that night but Bruno starts singing a song beautiful girls all over the world I could be chanting I mean to tell y'all I started levitating out of my chair I was like hey Rudolph [Laughter] I got home oh my god oh you get me he's magical but that song is called nothing on you and I bring it up because b.o.b the rapper like if you ever watched the video it's like the greatest to me he says what I think is the greatest rap line I've ever heard in a rap song I haven't heard a lot of rap song but far as I'm concerned this is the greatest line like if you ever see the video while Bruno's singing Eusebio be in the background look like he gonna mess it up to s that look that says something really vile and vulgar it's gonna come out of his mouth but in the song he says baby you the whole package plus you pay your taxes [Applause] look and you keep it real while their mothers stay plastic you're my Wonder Woman call me mr. fantastic stop now think about it so I thought about it cuz that's when you instructed me to and I did a rewind to that line you the whole package plus you pay your taxes they'll put that in the Hallmark card for Valentine's so these songs are I don't know these song and then there was this one song while we're standing there now keep in mind it's it's just hundreds of people in this little nightclub and my son he just went away he just couldn't take it anymore his dad's not hip he's brought me out here to find out that I'm not Vegas worthy and he leaves and so I'm standing around and I noticed that they keep playing this one song over and over and over and over again and I thought this one was new the song is called get lucky I think the group is Daft Punk ok this is January of this year I think this song is new after the 3rd like they playing it like I said like over and over like like 30 times in ten minutes so I feel about that fifth time I pulled out my phone I started googling it and I'm like wow this song when Grammys this is like a Grammy Award winning song yeah and I couldn't written that song [Music] I should have Grammys and if you don't know the song the gist of the song the big line of the song is she's up all night to the Sun I'm up all night to get some she's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky I'm up all night to get lucky I'm up all night to get lucky I'm up all night to get lucky I'm up I'm up all night to get lucky I'm up all night to get lucky you know my birds want to be more like she's up all night to the Sun I'm up to ten and I'm done cuz I'm on you go chase the Sun I'm gonna go home get some rest okay but I'm there I'm one I'm standing there and I don't want to be the wallflower you know what the wallflower is the Wallflower as that person is standing up against the wall everybody else is having a good time I don't want to be that person so I was looking for somebody to dance with when I was coming up men asked women to dance that was dance etiquette so I would just go hey would you like to dance and you go I said fine find somebody else now move on to the next person that's the way we did it but ladies you know so aggressive I'm looking around I feel the hand tapped my shoulder I turn around this woman said my name is chef Rica you mine and she is literally carrying me on the dance floor and I'm like chef Rica's [Applause] she parks me on the dance floor and that's when it hit me I have no moves I'm 57 I have no moves except for the one that is built into every man's DNA there's this one dance move that all men from ages 1 to 92 have we all have it ladies if you've seen your man do it men you've done it you just didn't know what it was called it's called the compass because we're only going east west north south we hurt nobody we can't get lost yeah that's what we do that's our move it's a lot broken to the compass but chef Rica was not doing the compass first of all she turned her back on me trouble well she late tries her back on you fellas that is game over and then her body started vibrating in gyrating like gluteus turbulence right you know it look like she has swallowed a jackhammer and all of a sudden she just goes into that truck and just started and I'm 57 I'm gonna look I'm like yeah okay uh-huh [Applause] but you can only do that for so long before you get inspired all of a sudden I started doing steps I didn't know I had my repertoire I started doing Beyonce Hagar she just stayed she was content you can only do that for so long so after about 10 minutes I started tapping her on his shoulder but because she was doing all of this she couldn't tell that I was tapping on her shoulder so I was forced to go into emergency mode I did what I thought was the right thing to do I wrapped my arms around her and tried to stop her and look like I was on the back of a motorcycle I'm just holding on to it she's like you like dancing with me I'm like no not really it's up in my teeth please I held on for another 35 minutes man tore my ACL [Applause] I got home my friends are like how much did you lose in Vegas I was like 9 pounds dancing I just want to say one last thing to you guys if you don't remember anything else I said tonight remember key number four and that was treat people the way you want to be treated and just so you know this is not a political statement this is just a statement of politeness that my parents and grandparents instilled in me a long a long time ago I I think it's still good in the 21st century treat people the way you want to be treated hopefully you want to be treated with kindness and respect and if that's the way you want to be treated then treat others that way and I think if you do that your world will be a whole lot better thanks everybody [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 922,282

Rating: 4.8656759 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Sam Adams, Sam Adams Dry Bar Comedy, Sam Adams Comedy, Sam Adams Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, stand up, Old Car, Pulled over, traffic stop, true color, daft punk, up all night, getting older, chocolate

Id: AtuvZ7qOz2U

Length: 41min 8sec (2468 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 11 2019