Stand up comedy Stand up comedy 2015 Bill Burr stand up comedy show 2

okay cure anything Christ a Lifetime Achievement Award on him I have been on the road for the last five months I don't know man I just really thickened the worst of people really if you see somebody animals some of the animals I see like I was in the airport the other day right I'm sitting there waiting for my flight to hate my life in this treacherous watched in the Slade she's eaten Egg McMuffins like chloral it just feel like right down it's from like a pelican just like and when she was done she wiped her face with the bag she just got a straight razor shave either duty was sort of shaky was like trying to itch his back and he couldn't reach it so he walked up to a support pole that was holding up an entire floor of the airport and Chris walks up and he just sucks like rubbing up like a grizzly bear the [ __ ] animal dude I am so pro swine flu it's like ridiculous I want it you need a plague I'm telling you we need a play it's gotta happen don't be afraid it's only good it's only gonna kill the weak gotta let mother nature do her thing man she keeps trying to help the sound but we won't let her do it he's trying to thin the herd every single time like you're gonna get your vaccinations why why so egg mcmuffin lady can breathe with the back it's going to happen you got a little do it seriously plague it's like nature's forest fire you know just let it burn out all the dead wood I put it bought witty only we're the only species that saves the week we barely out - don't do that [ __ ] out blankets a little thorn in his paw everybody so good Kevin inventions what you feel it is everything all right penicillin it's like [ __ ] that's why there's no traffic on the Serengeti a bunch of lions just standing in Oh Our Lady you get up there's some kinda look at his balls like never saw that before oh by all means slow down and lookin so I got a girlfriend man I watch a lot of uh watch a lot of TV with her you know I just annoy the hell out of her she loves watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and I love like watching her watch The Oprah Winfrey Show and I wait for Oprah's say sup stupid the second she does it just take it out of my girl cuz I'm an [ __ ] no we watching it the other day you know Oprah's on there she's interviewing some plan yeah she's given her this big ridiculous intro like she's done this she's done ed he's done this and she does the most difficult job on the planet she's the mother and continues on immediately I just look at my girlfriend look like really being the mother is the most difficult job on the planet oh yeah those mothers who die every year for black love from inhaling all that coal dust your women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one collection because they want to [ __ ] them I was just this tornado of misinformation either bulge on the planet why would you rather be doing drilling to the center of the earth shaking hands with the devil every time there's a rumble in the ground you're waiting for the whole thing that collapse down on top of you so they can write that folk song about you would you writing me up for the sunshine running around with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed anytime you want some sort of trumped-up charges all right because you want to have a drink and watch The Price is Right I couldn't believe it it's been a difficult job on the planet I thought roofing in the middle of July is a redhead but these Smulders had bending over the waves putting DVDs into DVD player do any job you do in your pajamas it's not plain hi no tsuita the Train the tree go time card no taxes you're off the [ __ ] grid freakin popsicle stick house or something up it's been a difficult job on the plane Oprah's not even a mother bring it neither am i but i self up utter i'm so full of [ __ ] I really really realized that about myself maybe that's one thing about getting old II just realize how full of [ __ ] you are enough people ask your questions you just don't answer him ya get to that point you just watching the [ __ ] come out of people listening taking notes yeah it's like I flood everything in high school why would you listen to me right now have a lunch with this girl the other day right right the middle lunch she looked across the table for me and she goes um she's gonna seem oddly racist like I this is gonna be awesome 41 years old never heard a conversation start this way say what you got just like um Caroline occasions in this restaurant but that's not racist that's an observation there are a lot of Asians in this restaurant however if you were to say what the [ __ ] you still haven't said anything bad about Nations but you definitely seem to have a problem with the restaurant which is aren't any bad stereotypes about Asian restaurants you know to me like don't they come in that taking up all the tables Wow woody here y'all here is what they're driving right even that one's [ __ ] some that they suck there's no happy medium you know see the Tokyo Drift 90 miles an hour driving sideways parallel parking and breakdancing into the club like Jesus Christ that guy from the future possess all of that talent well they just stopping in an intersection it's almost like it's so simple I just start date I find a lot of that a lot of that racial stuff like fascinating you know like the different rules of like how who gets in trouble who doesn't like I notice black people have the genius to put the curse word after they say the race of the person where white dudes we always put it in front and we would just make that little adjustment we could save so many careers nobody could be saved in the white community if we would just put in after you never noticed that in conversation in a black every like and I'm standing in his Asian well [ __ ] came in he starts talking about you don't even hear it what is this Asian mouth [ __ ] it and arrest this sport right dude I would tell the exact same story I'm standing there suggesting he's hooking up for people's fathers already been doing that I got it out of the way I got it out of the way that's how I taught this [ __ ] guy came in [ __ ] Asian do you wear sandals to suffer yeah you want those people man my feet don't get cold yes boys that one guys big ski Parker and shorts my wife but like to kick oh thanks okay come that's like he's only hopeful hooking up with somebody like maybe that's interesting to mate with make a strong baby it's like Stoke it cold I don't know what it is plenty of blood for the organs that had nothing to do with you they had to do with me being on the road for four months that's all this my uh I love this city man it's one of my favorite cities come out hi got enough is enough weirdos here you know enough vomit pop sort of independent run stores that's a big thing with me like when I go on the road like I can't you know I can't do these these chains anymore you know I just can't you're depressing it is to go to a town and see like another just hoard of fat people stumbling out of like a cheesecake factory oh the horrific precedent face up against the glass ways to get extra fat it up you know I hate about these these these corporate chains you could go in there you're paying for a business they make you like do half the job done I don't get it I go walk in let me get a turkey sandwich lettuce tomato on rye with mayonnaise the guy buying a cow's leg or turkey sandwich those tomato one Ron yeah and I am mayonnaise oh the man is uh it's right over there really why don't you [ __ ] go over there you [ __ ] I just gave you 100 percent of the money to make 100 percent of the sandwich this isn't like a relay race you make a sandwich in your hand crispy tone with my mom c-section olive with the toothpick in it you recognize me without [ __ ] work here that's the end of my part boy yes tonight for a drink he gave me a cup I finally go you know let me just get this whole thing to go under that's all right cool it they're right over there you just snap the little top I just wanted to grab this guy if I still get party look gotta make them eat do all this extra [ __ ] just shove my way up that corporate ladder so I get to that Eyes Wide Shut party and everybody see my angry face and then lid I have to explain myself let's put it over somebody's face to start thank you [ __ ] I said things like never enough it's never enough with those guys you know I can't stand that is when you uh get that out of the way for the taping I have that here for taping cannot have a bottle cap let me put that down there what if I slip and fell 17 minutes into my set then what happens huh all goes off the rails now it's not a special no you only like that was when you go into these places right even when you're getting your money like that's not enough from them or they want to suck like more information on you when I bought toiletries the other day they asked me for like my phone number I'm bringing it up take anything we have your phone number no sirree we're not gonna do anything with it really you're just collecting numbers just for the [ __ ] of it you idiot now you can't ask my phone number then they get like all freaked out right oh sorry I have to put something in if I don't if I don't input something and I don't get to the next quickly what do I do I'll [ __ ] read on the keyboard Twitter tell ya stick your finger on the one my phone number wouldn't write it three night with an area code one two three very exclusive neighborhood oh the worst you have our little baby say [ __ ] [ __ ] card now nineteen would you like one down I would go buy nap because you're up to something I know you don't want to make more funny all right stop [ __ ] with me just bring this up and let me get all the fun length and it only what you're doing is you're giving them a free survey on what products you can't live without so they can jack the prices on them under the guise of giving you like a nickel F alike bootleg Froot Loops I read it on the internet it's gotta be true I try to read I can it makes me sleepy that's unreal I could watch like 18 hours of TV would murder mystery after another get out via YouTube all night long spent four hours the other night just watching people get bit by poisonous snakes hey give me a book I just can't do it I get like halfway done just not enough I don't know you know what the worst things are those automated machines you guys have those out here those automated checkout machines you know unbelievable I couldn't believe it the first time I walked into a supermarket I saw them like this is ridiculous here it is I thought was a comedian and the deadly I also work at a grocery store oh [ __ ] I can't believe I forgot my apron was i working tonight did you realize the ball - that the balls are that damn whatever store you come in you pick on what you want you bring it up you ring it up you pay me you put in the bagging and you get the [ __ ] out of my step let's go finish the future if there's going to be no employees at a grocery store I'm never paying for food again I'll be hooking up my friends like rolling hands out the front door I want to steal now I just don't have the nerve I just want to fill up the whole grocery cart full of food right just walk up to one of those automated machines and count five Mississippi guess they don't want to get paid that when security shows up you just play dumb so you have to bring that back no I know we're gonna get my hours take my chalk I picked out what I want I brought it up I was gonna pay you but you weren't there so I don't you think I was going to do a rest myself there god forbid you want help I'm Tony I'm done with all these chains I'm done with all you can't get any help you never get anybody on the phone and if you actually get somebody on the phone you know nobody could help but everybody understands you know and they're always sorry get first I'm sorry sir yes I understand I understand oh sorry I don't know why they transfer you to me I'm fine well I would be upset too sir I understand tired I totally understand and I'm sorry and there's nothing I can do right and the whole time y'all know they're doing is trying to get you to curse so you hang up no so they can hang up on you that's all I doing they're trying to get your curse so you you think you just hang up on you you know so they say gradually but if you don't curse they can't hang up on you you can just keep torturing oh why is it buck-naked it is keep it going around and around say what they do was then they try to suddenly make it your fault I'll sir did you know did you know your plane was going to be late oh why didn't you call ahead well I didn't call ahead cuz I'm sort of [ __ ] airplane do you know many times a week people say to me why are you yelling and I never feel like I am like this right here is not yelling to me just well I'm passionate about my opinions and I want you to hear all again before you get to talk again I'm not yelling I got it a couple octaves I can cause brutal I don't want to be this guy you know I'm halfway through my life at this age you know when I put an angry son of a [ __ ] and I gotta turn this around man I'm a Bears with my bi don't be that guy you die is the angry guy this is the worst do two diets because I people gotta try to pick a happy [ __ ] to say about you it's your funeral this is a like he was babies bills on time there you gave this guy a really bad guy was a felt bad son of a [ __ ] ironed shirts I know I noticed you know what I don't know I had an anger problem it was one just like little random things like I went to this place nuts I'm on the road the mortar and food now was done orden the food and the guy behind the counter asked me if I wanted a cookie right and all of a sudden said his unbelievable urge is the blast this guy right in the face a minute trying to be Bernhard my brain was just sitting there go like to look at him a man asked another man if he wants a cookie I think she saw something good cookie I would give it cupcake [ __ ] [ __ ] moon like you know the same thing was when I wanted it cooking class felt like a four-year-old cookie but I say it I say I want a cookie you know I say you bring it up with subtle you're just yelling across the restaurant you want it cookie a [ __ ] [ __ ] that's what I realized I gotta maybe else's thoughts just wake him up in the middle of the night yes my god I think I'm gonna make no no you know what big move was to actually I'm a lot happier than they used to be man I [ __ ] around a lot when I'm up here but I'm definitely a lot more happier bye big move you know I decided I wasn't going to go for the holidays it was a picture I had to take out one guy I had to I don't know what is you decided not to but I went home at 39 not married no kids and I was just like there is no way I am going home at 40 there's no way there's no way people earning like asking questions they just look at you weird just like oh you just gonna tell jokes talk about disease and wish it on people make fun of people like cake is that what you're gonna do you know I live in a cul de sac and have a couple of kids and gradually resent everyone and take your own life you know I did now - I would love to be married like in my head it all makes sense like I you know I don't know what happened but it's just as scares me when I see married guys I just get like nervous then it's gonna be like the stereotypical married guy you know just like a shell of my former self I know every weekend up on that silver ladder just scooping [ __ ] out of the gutters but never coming over you know if I was a good pretty good Susy keeps getting bigger yeah sure for 11 years I don't know whatever to my dreams you know I just like coming up here cuz it's quiet come on what might have been yeah but amber studying and listening to me it's all excited about some garden hose you bought it Brookstone convinced it was designed by NASA actually it's got two nozzles with a heart full is it long enough to go around both our necks in the chimney so we can stand up jump off of this then I just sort of mentioned killing myself there I don't want to freak you out alright cuz I did that joke when I was down the Bible Belt and was down south this girl took me really seriously she came up to me at the end of the show it's like you know I'm really thinking about doing something like that are you I was like no no no just joke I'm just joking she goes good cuz you know you can't go to heaven if you do stuff like that I was just like yeah yeah every little give a little not religious that have a whole little checklist of [ __ ] if you do this you go here do that how do you know that you don't know that shut up it's very normal thought to think about killing yourself you know I do you know what's weird any time I think about killing myself it's never over anything big it's always little things little things make you want to take myself out as sorry look at my girlfriend broke up with me I'm not gonna lie to you I would be devastated devastated you laying on the ground crying in the fetal position for like three days they are gonna fourth day and I rub one out put the pieces back join a gym lie to myself that I'm gonna get the six-pack back oh when I got it too right but little six I thought about killing myself like a year ago on Thanksgiving you know why I was was cuz I said I was gonna make a pie that little statement made me think about taking myself out this out work this is basically the deal right my girlfriend's an angel she absolutely loves the holiday so it was like two weeks before Thanksgiving so she's all excited she's like how many things give you coming up upset I trying to watch the game Thanksgiving what are you gonna do for Thanksgiving right I started freaking out like I didn't think I had to do anything for Thanksgiving you know just thought I had to you know not get drunk and be belligerent around your friends I thought I was fine she's like no I'm gonna make a turkey I'm gonna make stuffing when are you gonna do so I picked I'm like I'll [ __ ] beg apply I oh just trying to make it go away no never do that you just agree with them thinking to make them leave but yeah awesome what you said no and it totally worked it totally worked because she walked away completely excited she was like wait am i all excited and I totally forgot about it right two weeks later Thanksgiving comes up right she just likes such things I kind of think giving if they can get a baked egg pie right you think you're going to make the pie like I gotta make a pie I gotta go to the grocery store I gotta buy some flour that I just started thinking man I just slam my head right through this plate glass window it just went right down the side of the house it's not even like them suicidal for like I'm like lazy like what I know the next four hours of my life is going to suck god I've got to feed my taxes it's a long line at the bank and that a bus is coming by what if I just don't head for any little tires anybody else ever think of [ __ ] like that you don't get sleep ceiling fans somebody's telling me some stuff I don't want to do he's getting me 245d we need your birth certificate the ceiling fans behind they have it I'll get right on that so anyway so I decided not to go hope to the holidays certainly trying to tell you here no I did I kind of came to the pity I'm like man I'm 41 years old by dad and five kids by the time he's my age I gotta get all of my life here so I was like oh you know what I'm not not working Thanksgiving I'm not working Christmas I'm not working New Year's it was like the middle of October I was like wait a bit what about Halloween but my brain was like you know what [ __ ] this I'm getting a pumpkin that's how angry my brain it can't be just like you know what hey let's get a pumpkin stubble you don't [ __ ] this let's get a pump that's when I started thinking carving that [ __ ] away and now Katie to the kitch I'm meeting him at the door what are you supposed to be huh oh yeah full-size stickers BAM who does that [ __ ] what are you lean to one side is another like thumbs up walk down the stairs there's so much Romania you know this is all true it took me four trips to go to the supermarket to finally be able to buy this goddamn pumpkin cuz every time I would walk in there to get it are we thinking all these happy thoughts this is a great thing I'm embracing the holidays it's got to bring me my girlfriend together there's a very loving thing to do what I reach out and grab it and all I'd hear in the back of my head is what do you look back let me explain that show to functional people in the crowd let me explain it I this is how it works with cash anytime you do anything remotely sensitive heartwarming anything that's gonna make you more of a loving and caring individual immediately all your guy friends suggests that maybe just baby you want to suck a dick it's brutal even if you do something spun right like it's raining shoulders off your [ __ ] home would you pull that down your ass doesn't even have to make sense you can't the pumpkin will you do next carve some nice ass with your [ __ ] what are you gonna blow a scarecrow get away from me with your gay little pumpkin honest bro so what are you a [ __ ] is the reason why guys drop it 55 on a [ __ ] nowhere it's literally from five decades just suppressing the urge to like hunger puppy admit it babies cute say you want a cookie you just gotta keep pushing it down one day one day you're in a Denny's and if you get to put bananas in your pancakes you just have like an aneurysm slams off the table dick it's a horrible horrible way to live your life you feel like you're just dying every day just every dumb thing that you can do as a guy any stupid thing that's gonna short your life makes you more of a man [ __ ] zero degrees now you know have a coat on dude you called 10 minute the hunt up old mistakes is something I really agree with finally let go of this ball I hate in my chest that's why I don't have any kids I thought I think it's irresponsible to be a complete maniac not work on yourself and then just have a kid and they just start downloading all your [ __ ] up thoughts under their little pristine little hard drive you know send them off to school with your little little manifestos and spring it out other kids just pull 2+2 Timmy once you get Danny keeps crashing the walls because he doesn't trust me it's embarrassing to know this little about yourself at my age man I gotta get beyond like you know I finally ended up getting that pumpkin you know I did I asked you here to bring my girlfriend down to the supermarket and I had to walk her by the pumpkins because I knew the second I did it she was gonna freak out and be sued she did second she saw Jesus like oh my god a pumpkin Halloween's coming up we should get that's doing like this little pumpkin dance and this unbelievable urge is to take her head and just [ __ ] mush it really hold it there for a second like feel the panic and the back of her head because the air bubbles became like less and less frequent she sat there contemplating business I always envisioned being surrounded by loved ones looking back on achievement it's so Orange guy resented her was any fact she gets to be effect offi cries and sad movies I got a hold on all of that [ __ ] slowly dying inside go out to go see a sad movie comes to the sad part what do I do she's crying I gotta think of some funny [ __ ] I want to swim kick Sean Penn in the balls right now and they get bad at you how could you laughter to tan like this cuz all my [ __ ] alone that's right thank you sir I like that you turn this into a town meeting this guy right yeah exactly I wanted to cry when I was watching lifetime but you know there's never a left [ __ ] sick popped up on dayquil I think it's been Mike that's my tribute to the film or that's the drug I did before I got out stage I would be a little buzzed friend pedestrian way so anyways not my life I just feel myself I'm starting to change me I'm a happier person and I think I'm ready but I want to have a kid it's a big thing I want to have a kid by the only thing I'm worried about about that is I like little kids I like them when they're little I don't like when they get bigger and they start thinking like they know [ __ ] you know like I understand why parents hit their kids I get it you know I'm not saying take a day out on it but definitely you know we get a little lip you know brought it jab set the tone now they start thinking they know stuff by kicking up my bunnies got a kid this kid is at that age right they invited me over to come to dinner the other day because I'm like at that age I'm like that weirdo guy they filled it's so sad force and invite me over yeah I really have a pathetic existence as part of my life so I'm sitting there trying to be social with the kid you know and he's really into space so Mike Hayes up the stars around other stars are out the kids like actually that's not a star there what is Joker planet [ __ ] like you're impressed it's amazing wow really is it is it they won't shut up they just keep going on it gets everything good and I gotta sit there acting impressed but I'm just waiting for another adult to come by and just scoop the kid up and just Rescue Me gotta sit around like I'm amazed with this I saw a stripper quit on stage two months ago what do you think you're gonna tell me that's gonna pull my mind so the kid just kept going on is good that I couldn't take it anymore so I finally did I just I afford a little water we didn't know what to do is great percentages froze up heating up the seating at the social maturity to be like dude you just pour water once in there I am laughing my ass off I'm dying like a cramp the code I finally figured out what to do in this situation and he loved this little bastard ready with the kitchen he [ __ ] told on me that my buddy's wife comes wanted out she starts screaming at me like I'm five years old which technically I am because I'm pouring water unlike six-year-old right you know to that we don't do that in house and I said no no no no no we don't do that my temper came up Adobe adored [ __ ] you [ __ ] you [ __ ] to come out of here I don't need this right no but I didn't do it I just sat down I was like look it pouring water on kids okay that an honest mole with myself I you know we try to debate it your head to try to make yourself right never do this bottled water like this kid doesn't get rained on that acid rain yes for you Clinton his brow I don't know I'm going to happen because I'm like what a little it's just worth it you know I like toddlers man that's that's the best age the hilarious you know they never have a shirt on they already got a beer belly even though they never drank before they're not even so conscious they don't try to suck it in they just let it hang out over the head got like cereal in there handle it just see people talk and they just come up just a little story the decency to start at the beginning they like start in the middle then they jump back to the beginning and then they tell the yen looks like a Tarantino movie like some balkis occupier a stool to sit down is something he's gonna have a heart attack through it all over himself they make white beavers too little two-year-old I should do it little little fisher-price harley-davidson I can't take it through it they're adorable Calvin it's a scary time dudes a scary time to raise a kid that's the only thing I'm worried about it's a really scary time you know I think they they get Brady like microchip all of us I'm not even joking dude if you see that new Duracell commercial with that woman can't find her kid in the park we'll get it we'll [ __ ] up ways that the cell batteries a little hardcore don't you think but remember the old battery commercials they show some guy in a rainstorm right changing a tire takes out a flashlight thank God turns out I can see how I don't getting I was it Nana's shown this woman she can't find her kid in the park she said they like Kevin they're freaking out that she pulls out this device and then all son Kevin comes running out of the woods like to herself I have an antenna his sneakers were flowing what the [ __ ] is in Kevin then connect it to that don't you show me that like that's normal though that is some creepy New World Order [ __ ] evidently it's a bracelet and they just put the microchip in there that's how I got to do it they're gonna scare the [ __ ] out of you that someone's going to take your kid actions to bracelet or if they take the bracelet I will just flew it to the forehead and we're just sort of drilling in there I'm telling you whatever they're doing to dogs they're gonna be doing tossing like ten years right they got those things microchips with their balls cut off they can have ass on TV waiting to get rescued like some accountant look at all [ __ ] up with the TV room that's what you're getting here in the future that's gonna be the future do you hear about any thought they turned his chip off who the guys thought he is [ __ ] he made one little joke about the government next thing you know we had to fire around his head wouldn't go through they kept standing it nothing like scream it up on a sailor trooper good it dude is fine so I'm gonna shut my ship off not to bankers I think they run the world bankers from the world according to my YouTube Wikipedia research don't look at me I'm an idiot by [ __ ] blowing off the president yeah that's what kill me nerds nerds run the [ __ ] world I couldn't believe it doesn't me somebody big and scary nerds I'm those kids in fourth grade would strike out playing kickball this is practically physically impossible the bowl is like half the size of your body but somehow they do swing in a minute anymore for flying down the third base days anything can anybody explain me the difference between loan sharking and banking is there any is there any [ __ ] difference at this point one guy was like what dude I'll tell you you know the bank won't break your weights what doesn't [ __ ] have to what is doing is legal reason why a loan shark does it is cuz what he does is not legal hey what you doing take me to court break your leg [ __ ] pay you know I know I'm a maniac I'm becoming that guy their conspiracy theory guy you know those guys you hang out with them everything's cool like the first ten minutes you're watching the game then all of a sudden just looks at you like dude you know there's no gold behind the currency you realize that doctor I think I'm gonna walk over here sit down and get away from end of days down here I got a dog recently everybody psyched what the end of the planet got one of those three dogs free dog that's all I said - I don't say I rescued a dog I hate when people say that stuff I never asked you I rescued her really did you pull her out of a burning building to jump in a river with your wingtips still on without concern for your own safety or would you just go ahead of the pound and get a free dog it's cheap [ __ ] I did not want to get a rescue dog I did not want to do that my girl was all about it she's like we should rescue a dog you want to rescue John I like dumb no I don't she's like why not I go fist I think a lot of the dogs down the palm might be a little [ __ ] the man thought about this through the shelter is that a pet store that is like Shawshank for old retriever why don't we just go down a prison and rescue anaemic just roll the dice that baby that was wrongly convicted okay I want a brand new 2009 bulldog all right and what's the 1995 half a Labrador part of its ear chewed off you know I gotta put together its back story every time I go to use the toaster and start freaking out cause his last learner hung them from the ceiling fan every time the Jets didn't cover the over you know they kill you - the rabbit swirl how fast - squirrels I was walking home at night minding my own business robbed some squirrels started running at me by the time I process like that a red cent mechanical that's gonna be up my leg taking chunks out of the side of my head I have to tell this story for the rest of my life in a farm no one else ID now I'm not trying to say all those dogs are bad down there but what if I accidentally get one of those cujo's and old yellers right I'm telling you they love dogs doubt there's so much you got to watch out what they tell you I was down there there was just one done this thing was staring at me so goddamn hard maniac looking dog I'm like what's up with this dog she was just like how he was chained to a pallet in a junkyard his entire life and I'm like doesn't have any issue she's like he's a little aggressive it's like what were you gonna tell me that [ __ ] I'm just gonna throw in my hatchback let me figure it out on the ride home nothing out a sharpened toothbrush this sticking what is sevilla get one of those crazy dog I get up at or the morning to take a leak and that is the exact moment its previous owner used to come home shit-faced beat the crap out of the dog I have no idea what I'm setting off so they're shopping along in my slippers crying all wrong meanwhile the dogs get all amped up my [ __ ] this [ __ ] man myself oh let's do this okay I mean laying on the ground and pull my own blood what did he do with the dog and take them right back down to the pile like so terribly PETA [ __ ] we're gonna see him on the news and like shackles like shuffle on I knew you'd be back there give me a malfunction you know wheel them in like Hannibal Lecter with that lampshade around his neck that's what we heard like this stalemate you know I wanted the brand-new bulldog you know she kept seeing that Sarah McLaughlin commercial no sad you know all they're gonna get sued for false advertisement in that thing I just where to go they hand-picked those dogs and cutest little fuzzy I did wrong way flipping those cute little innocent little dr. Seuss looking dogs we're the pit bulls we're the Rottweilers were those maniacs you see lifting weights down at the shelter I got this shot his [ __ ] dog severed she's whining over the top of him stocks are looking all sad at the camera the night person ridiculous bandages like there in Saving Private Ryan that Three Stooges rabbit I have a to thing and ship on this dog I love that one it's all wrapped up like a mummy it's like hell did you hit by a cannonball during the Civil War II a nation then a tyrannosaurus together my favorite was sound when I hug oh that's a great dog get me that under the kids I'm sure that won't freak about at all if you let him sniff you do not approach from the right comes an entirely different animal when you do that just know from the left just going miss Pookie we're gonna call a poop so she was in the vent I wanted to get the Bulls off that was my thing I was like I want to get to Paul Doug then I started researching on the Bulldogs they got all these little problems man from day one they can't even breathe it come on in the world a cycling to work with asbestos their entire life you know some people they can't even breathe you gotta haven't sleep and uprightness lazy boy rubbing vicks vapor rub on their chest we got like sleep apnea they died nine times everyday what I just rest for retired offensive line the wall well didn't know what to do so we were at a stalemate so Mike Mike girl did what most females do they just figure I know it's good for him I know it's gonna make him happy I'm gonna make a major decision without him and then he's gonna deal with it yeah that's how I got a dog I got a dog when I was on the road I was on the road I just had a message on my machine it was just food I heard she's a fighter um okay um I did something um kind of involves both of us but I think you're gonna love it just give me a [ __ ] now does that sound like I just signed you up for 12 to 15 year commitment and I sound like that right it sounds like I've bought a new outfit I'm going to drag you to some awful restaurant during a playoff game right that's what I felt like some ready for that argument she tells me she went out she got a dog my hand for me isn't upset because he got a rescue dog yeah we have it for a week and you know if you want to keep it we can so I go let me see it so we started skyping and she's pans around you know what she got she got a pitbull I swear to God are you gonna get you out of your [ __ ] mind she goes is that a pitbull it's a mix pause were still taped up it's like shadowbox 90s Jesus Christ she said right now II she said no she's adorable all stepped up this is worst part I wasn't getting home for three days you know and she's all wrapped up in this dog you know and I I don't get home for three days what happens right at home on Monday and you have to go to work she's goes well I just figured I Drive to work and you could just come home to your carpet and meet the dog that way you are you're my number coming home to that that dog is bonding with you it thinks you guys lived there I'm going to come walking in there my calf ripped up I'm trying to show my name on the phone bill don't you take away go play what you do you take that hellhound you put in the goddamn car drive it to work back in the shade do whatever you had a token I'm coming home to a safe house then you drive home with the dog call me when you're a half mile away I'll meet you and Cujo down in the driveway we were all walking together I would be in the front to show that I am the pack leader because I watched half an episode the dog whisperer I think that's what you spoke true right come on I'm gonna drive what I see you dogs the beautiful dogs literally like walking like a marine or some [ __ ] okay here we go turning my back that turns out they didn't get into shelter they found it by the LA River and live by the LA River for two weeks and my girls response that was like bad no it's [ __ ] scary why is it scary well obviously it got enough protein so it wasn't eaten berries out now they think was choking off coyotes breaking the Nexus squirrels I don't know what it was doing but if that food wasn't brought a fire into the house just rescue an alligator while you're at to say had to be excitement so we get the dog in the damn house that's exactly why I thought was going to happen dogs sitting there looking at her then it's looking at me and then looking at her like who the hell is a new guy right you guys this guy painting the [ __ ] rich I get no respect so I was just like I was too right now just like I know what she's thought I know what she's doing she's bringing this dog home and she thinks I'm going to fall for it and then and then she will just have the dog and it's just like I love animals okay well I'm not gonna live with one that can [ __ ] kill me and I rescue a chihuahua when it flips out because I grant the remote too quickly I can flick it off the goddamn table or something you know so I say okay good we got it for a week we got a full week and we make a decision so I just shut down I'm all shows I [ __ ] this dog first two days I don't give a [ __ ] you know dog sit there looking at me and I was just like Jesus Christ but you know you know Wednesday I don't happen I start started to like it a little bit you know now I was watching TV you know I always talked to myself I'm always home alone I feel like a maniac I finally had similar you bunch my ideas off kind of nice sitting there on TV Blinky's got their bankers steal a trillion dollars and they get a bonus and they get a bonus looking at me I'm psychic damnit I think I like to start a book you know make me wanna work out you know asking a question by Thursday you know getting out the air I'm walking the dog and I think I love the stuff have you ever walked a pickle you owe it to your life at some point in life to walk a pit ball down the street I'm telling you it's the greatest experience ever people just get the [ __ ] out of the way it's not a real freefall blocks away they see become and they just immediately cross the street just tremendous I don't know why black people complain about that the [ __ ] it's like a gun we can pet it's the only way to describe the week you want a 290x or something just get in better shape so then by Friday I mean by Friday the dog was literally messing up my relationship my poor girls sitting under couch by yourself I'm sitting there spooning with the dog and get a leg going once we get going I don't know what happened in four days I went from [ __ ] this dog to oh my god this thing's going to die someday how am i emotionally going to be able to deal with it absolutely carry around like a baby oh the greatest thing ever you come home but shaking his tail it's all exciting like dude you [ __ ] awesome it's like you have no idea how much I need that you know and you can't appreciate how awesome a dog is as a kid you could only do it as an adult as a kid there's like no frame of reference it's like you're a kid your whole life is awesome it's awesome right gonna think about being a kid you had no money you had no ID no cell phone no nothing no keys to the house you just ran outside it was you weren't scared of nothing I challenge you to do that as an adult your credit card just running a hospital phone turn the corner where you can't see your house and not have a full-on panic attack your life is awesome as a kid right you show up no money just gets tough real cheese movie tickets right why would the dog feels awesome everything is awesome doctor you're an adult that you're appreciated right your dreams start dying somebody cheats on you right bankers [ __ ] up your 401k then you come on that dog so canary like dude you're awesome it's like no do you poor girl she said I'm Jesus question love the dog more than he loved me it's like well sweetie you're not at the back door shaking your ass every time like it's really a tough no matter what time 4:00 in the morning drunk besides so anyways like I said mentioned I'm 41 years old if I'm lucky you know I realize I'm halfway through my [ __ ] right now halfway through my life so you know get nerves you know about dying you know just grow it all and I was never really nervous about till I got to this age you know you know what it was I went to my grandmother's 100 year birthday party and I quickly realized that women age a lot better towards the end you know guys we hang with them in the beginning because we're young and then in the middle they having kids we kind of pass them but that end that last third we're like the stock market we just we just go right down to the ground turtle I went to this party all the old ladies they were unbelievably shocked it was still playing cars are right there but some of the old dudes banded they were brutal you ever see a guy like so old and yes like that permanent look of horror on his face couple guys walking okay do is always that one guy discus walking into sword don't even when they're sitting down me it's like dude how much painting you in that you constantly have a look on your face like that [ __ ] from the ranges from idea TV set you like so old like everything hurts you just stand up your aleena so even like blinking like air her see-through [ __ ] kill me kill me a favor enough like thank you I'll [ __ ] kill myself up walk myself down a flight of stairs I'll leave back hit my head on a stake wherever I gotta do I told you everything about killing myself twice a week at this age there was no [ __ ] way I'm going out like that hand of my life walking around everyone else friends that can eat da [ __ ] is he going down are you doing how do you wake up every morning brushing your teeth how do you fight the urge to I'll tell you what kills me was only the old guys look at their face not many old ladies did some of the old ladies kind of look like mild disappointment like I always wanted to go to Europe but they never got around to it but only the old guys it was almost like you wanted to tell his secret like where's the gold can you remember the combination what is that so he says like a little woman to make sure you don't think it's from I think it's from being married for 60 years it's dad every day and never once looking at your wife be like you know what are you shut the [ __ ] up is it saturday like where you down I think they were you don't then I was a young man I had a lot more spring in my step young gasps girl did you shake it up go for Drive where's this relationship going it's still weird We Need to Talk [ __ ] you lady what you stealing a couple times is scream out the window then what happened what out stay in the relationship stay in the relationship why are you getting married 15 years later you got a couple of kids you got a little gut going I she starts in wanyan with that whole laundry list of stuff you gotta do cuz you're married Susie has ballet practice that gets over it to make sure you there to McGirt to achieve eonni day that you spray upset not you were you were actually document for the record of making okay do I do want if you burn up of cotton 20 in an uppercut that's a natural thought natural book but you don't never leave with an uppercut you set it up with the jab you get inside come right up through the cleavage and rock that head back to Center right across but only take that dirty pistol on your lane next rule wipe off the door-handle [ __ ] with you a woman never hit a woman gonna get caught you're gonna go to jail you're gonna get raped it's off you know you what are you doing now what do you do now right you're married but you can't yell because your kids are there you can't go for a drive you don't have a cool car anymore like caravan with those sticky children of the corn and handprints all up my windshield tornado you going on the base thing just like that whispers yeah and then I think just one day he can t just too old you're just too old you're tired you've been married like 60 years your body's breaking down you blew your knee out the Y playing pick-up ball like 30 years earlier and the 50 and older link it up you just want to watch the game that you come yep

Channel: Ultimate

Views: 2,471,254

Rating: 4.3957734 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: jG0-tCW4zgc

Length: 82min 20sec (4940 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 13 2015