Steven Wright - When Comedians Meet, Weird Comedians - 14/22 Visits In Chronological Order

foreign [Music] nomination this year for his album I still have a pony and uh he'll be uh he'll be at the Orleans in Las Vegas May the 30th through June the 1st please welcome the wonderful upbeat Steven Wright everybody Stephen Wright [Applause] thanks foreign when I was a little boy we had a dog and I don't know why but the dog was born with two vaginas and we named it snatches [Laughter] the song I wrote this song when I was a baby uh four days when I wrote this song I was in that room you know he looked through the glass and you see all the babies I was in there when I wrote this song for some reason I could sing it to the future I didn't know it then but thinking back in hindsight I realized that I could say into the future which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks and I could look at any baby and I could tell what the baby was going to be when the baby grew up and I looked at the little girl beside me and I could tell when she grew up she was going to be a hooker she was two days old she didn't look at though she looked one day [Laughter] so anyway his son doesn't go something like this goes exactly like this foreign [Music] but I knew both our stories like any baby Sage if I kiss her now will she remember that if I was the first that day in September [Music] little baby prostitute laying near me looking kind of sleepy as sleepy can be can you hear the music can you hear the trumpets don't play it too loud you wake the little strumpers I heard the doctors talking about Precision I think I'm gonna get up circumcision thank you very very beautiful very very beautiful Stephen thank you it's nice to see you you've never sung a song for us before I'm very moved by that baby prostitute song yes thank you some music Just Hits people you know yeah it moves them to another place that that that moved me to another place is a good place but a different place that's that's nice do you do you uh and start with prostitutes a lot now that you're older no I uh not not really all right not really that means yes guy language no not since I was a baby oh hey is that's uh this is not the the one that's not the Grammy one right that's that's that's a DVD actually uh this is not even the one that we're talking about it's not this is just an old DVD it's like two years old it's it's not even uh my material in there I'm not even on this show no no that listen there's a bunch of people who are not on the show after tonight as well no but it's good I mean after you did this did you do any more DVDs it was like a year ago oh really oh okay I haven't done one yet what did you get the Grammy for then uh for uh CG that I made that's good I didn't get the Grammy I was nominated that's as good as who wanted uh the uh the guys from Australia oh well yeah yeah it came out good though if you play it you can hear it and stuff what there's your Grammy nomination right there with the hole I can hear it yes tick hey number 19. number 19. yeah [Applause] yeah maybe the numbers aren't in the right order I I'm pretty much guessing there no in the right order yeah I'd say that it's a bit higher up yeah no I I think I could be Lord I like your suit you know I like yours I like your hot you look like a painter thank you not not a house painter you know an artistic paint yes I've painted over the years I've done many paint have you really yes what have you painted I've painted uh I used to paint very realistically right but then I thought why should I do that the thing is already there exactly so now I paint extremely abstract extreme no brush no canvas it's just like I'm walking down the street and in my mind there's a there's a show going on and there's there's a gallery and there's people drinking wine and eating cheese and saying I like going over there Fred and I'm like you thank you thank you very much anyone can do a painting of a of a sculpture you try doing a sculpture of a painting I like let's see how long I was just gonna see how long you I could talk without you actually saying oh go along on this show it's not my technique I usually go all right everybody that's how I do it but I'm intrigued by can we go back in time even one in it you know there's just an empty box yeah people a lot of people who bought it complained yeah I can see why that would be um [Music] I like all the lights yeah we don't have a lot of lights but we uh the ones we have we point at you mean the director don't get along I don't know why yeah yeah I always wanted to ask you have you ever been in therapy you ever gone to therapy you know therapy you know what I'm talking about Sarah I know what you're talking about when I was a kid when I was about nine years old I I had to go because I was very uh I knew I was in a few months I was going to turn 10 and I knew that most people die when they're in double digits right and I I couldn't get it out of my head I was going nuts so I mean I went and that and uh it helped it helped I'm still not dead yeah and you and you put that down to therapy yeah have you have you gone in in a grown-up way you know a couple of years ago I went briefly and one time I was in there and talking to the guy in the door open and two cops came in and they handcuffed them and they took them away yeah really yeah wow but I learned from that I learned that if the police show up it doesn't mean that they're there for you that's true it's not all about you Stephen sometimes it's about the therapist so now if a cop is behind me with the lights going and everything it might not be you yeah exactly do you get chased a lot by the cops occasionally yeah how do you do you drive very fast I thought you drove it you wrote a bicycle I do I'm I'm exercising uh do you exercise no never no yeah I do I ride a bike every day about an hour I have a 14 speed bike oh it has like seven gears on the back and two on the front so the two you know two they double up they double up but I never do I can't do the ones on the front I don't switch the front I only do the seven so I will only do seven of the gears because I don't like change that was why I went to see the thing yeah yeah of course yeah but if you if the therapist hadn't been arrested during your therapy you might I may be up to 14 years right now yeah are you saying are you implying that I should go back into CERN oh I I'm insisting I'm insisting [Applause] [Music] but it's always nice when you're here I was going to ask you that uh the the uh you know it's nice to have it it's a pleasure for us really I wish that we'd got your CD though I'll mail you one yeah yeah be nice one with one in the Box how's your dog by the way before we go I should know maybe no dog what was a dog with the two vaginas [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh my God that's that's insane what are you talking about well you know the weirdest thing was I also had a dog like that but I was just called lucky yeah [Music] [Applause] foreign [Laughter] this is really great did you say push fire harder no don't push harder I have a different swing at my house no no it's nothing to do it's nothing like the swing you have here swings never go home with strangers I'm not a stripper I'm not a stranger you've known me over six minutes like well I don't go over to somebody's house unless I've known them at least seven and a half oh you're a good girl I get it they're pushing too violence did I not say to him I explicitly said do not push too violently we can't afford a new Brittany Murphy he's like no can you imagine if this was really happening if it was really happening we would never put it on TV that'd be stupid no is that what you mean oh no oh that's a microphone they cost upwards of fourteen dollars no no people still believe that it's happening it's like a mansion Ivory movie I say Lord Percy what hey hey we'll be right back everybody I don't think it worked [Applause] my uh first uh guest tonight is an Academy Award winner his first album I have a pony will be re-released on May the 12th please welcome Steven Wright everybody Steven Wright [Applause] [Music] [Applause] welcome Stephen welcome good to see you nice to see you how are you I'm very I'm very happy because it's Salvador Dali's birthday of course and uh that's a big day here how old is he 105. although I don't think he celebrates anymore I love Salvador I love surrealism I love it since high school you surprised me in an art class in high school and they brought us into Boston to see me uh surrealism and I was just totally just changed my mind I was like this is amazing they had a river that turned into a waterfall that turned into a road and then there was a a silo the size of a clothespin not really not like you're driving down the road you're like whoa look at this side no I I are you sure this wasn't Amsterdam in 1981 [Music] can I ask you about this about this album because this is this is your first your first album first it came out in 1985 and won them Warner Brothers is having a 50-year anniversary so they're re-releasing that was my first album It's called actually there's a one more joke on this one that wasn't on the one in 85. hey that's there's that's value do you want it foreign people don't know how enormous he is he's huge dealer well he must be about 150 foot tall I looked I look smaller in pictures you do yeah does it do you ever look at pictures of yourself with bare feet from 20 years ago and think my feet have aged those weren't my feet those were stunt feet you had wooden legs and real feet [Music] I got one thing I like about Salvador Dali is the names of his paintings he had a painting it was called the weaning of furniture nutrition I mean and then you and then you look at the painting and it's like part of a chair and you don't understand what's happening I went fishing once with Salvador you did not really he was using a dotted line he caught he caught every other fish which guy is more insane I don't think that surrealism is insanity I think it's just um it's um that other artist you were talking about Hieronymus Bosch that's crazy he's gone yeah yeah he's well he's gone for a long time because he lived in the 14th century imagine if he was alive now answering phones for uh Lowe's furniture store I think I think he might be Lewis Furniture Store why why do they advertise in CBS they do not they do not applied same product have you ever been down they've got a silver dollar Dali Museum in Saint Petersburg in Florida yes they've been there many times have you really yes I go down when I tour around you know I go to Saint to Tampa Florida and St Petersburg and there's an entire museum with just Salvador in it I don't know why it's London one is in Spain and one is in Florida well I think that the people there were some rich a rich couple in Florida like to collect as art and then when they you know went in the way of Hieronymus Bosch they left her as a oh is that out there I think so yeah I'm picking this up but it sounds good if you folded a map of the world in half Spain might go right to Florida oh yes the world the warm over here the dryer and got the map off a globe like by by heating it up and making it more global warming in fact yeah yeah you can do that maybe that's what's happening too many people are using hair dryers my God we're figuring it all out do you remember remember there used to be a hole in the ozone layer everybody was worried about and then everybody stopped using hairspray in the ozone layer healed up yes should we do that again I wasn't involved in that laughs well I was I wasn't implying that you you were involved I just thought you might be very paranoid so when you went to the uh the Florida to the uh Salvador Dali Museum did you go to those drug stores they have in Florida because they've got the biggest drug stores in the world Ruth Eckerd Ruth Eck ruse Eckerd drugstores a region but but it was uh no I like the drugstores because they go on for miles in Florida they're huge you need a golf cart to get around and they they've got the entire aisles dedicated to cortisone I've never etched so much as once when I was in Florida you the minute you feel an itch you got some cortisone right on there I like the aisles with the ointments well cortisone is a is you you mostly comes in ointment form are you having trouble with your jacket are you what are you doing these are these aren't my clothes that's what I get for taking my first piece of the luggage up for that yeah quicker but you pay for it later I'm wearing dresses not not because of that just would like to wear dresses are you in the Milwaukee is that yeah I'm going uh Wednesday and I'll do the show Thursday and then I'll go to the next city then the next city have you ever been to Milwaukee I have I loved Milwaukee it was fantastic they've got a beer that made the whole town famous is that a CBS thing no it's not CBS well it is now clearly yeah we're giving it away tonight um no the uh the it's got a great they've got the water down there and a lake lake Oprah's right there you just you walk out you can go Lake Oprah yeah it's named after her wow she stores her barracudas in it I think she would have her own ocean by now she she's got her gone over an ocean but she doesn't like to commute from Chicago so she has the lake there that's her her you know her during the weak body of water and then she has an ocean for the weekends [Music] we're out of time you go to Milwaukee yeah then get out of here Stephen right everybody we'll be right back [Applause] my uh my first guest today is the comedy icon which means he's a comedian and he's doing it for a long time very very funny on January the 13th he'll be in the Hard Rock Live in Orlando Florida which is one of the states towards the south east of America then on January the 17th he'll be at the Florida theater in Jacksonville also in Florida please welcome the hilarious Bago nonsense that is Steven Wright everybody [Applause] thank you thanks when I was a little kid I wish the first words I ever said was the word quotes or right before I died it could say unquote lots of my friends have babies but I don't have any babies I have lots of friends babies don't have any friends they all have those baby monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room which I think is a form of wiretapping thank you someday is going to be a really smart baby makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises he's gonna cry out the window and go to Italy I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my Consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with just a screw with my subconscious when I was in first grade the teacher told us the president was married to the first lady and all I could think of was wow I wonder if you ever saw any dinosaurs [Music] she tells us about Michelangelo in the Sistine Chapel that day I went home I was laying at the top of my bunk bed looking at the ceiling and I'm thinking why not my brother's pushing the bed around give me more aqua I did Jesus and Santa Claus on a seesaw [Music] I had Jesus on the low end even though he weighed less because he's Jesus what did Jesus ever do for Santa Claus on his birthday [Music] Jesus pissed off a lot of people you know we stopped turning the water into wine I'm trying to take a shower I have two pair of reading glasses one for fiction one for non-fiction I've read the Bible twice once wearing each pair of glasses [Music] it's the same imagine Pulitzer Prize fighting [Laughter] as you know how weird your phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears laughs imagine Oshkosh straight jackets for little insane children [Music] A friend of mine has a trophy wife but apparently it wasn't first place [Applause] whenever I fill out an application it says in cases of emergency notify but doctor what the hell is my mother gonna do my mother was always feeding me pancakes with maple syrup then she switched the truth serum I'd be eating the pancake saying yes I'm the one who broke the window S I realized every time I ate pancakes a few hours later I got the crap being on me and one day she said Stephen you want some pancakes I said no I don't like pancakes I said how about some waffles got the crappy out of me when I go to the grocery store and I see a guy pushing 30 shopping carts across the parking lot sometimes I say you know somebody else might want to use one of those thanks a lot [Applause] [Music] [Applause] very good relax oh it's lovely to see you again how are you you said well I'm all right considering you're right on the road you're doing the stand up on the road that'll be nice you go to Florida I believe yeah I've been there several times and whenever I go I'm there again if you ever counted up the amount of times you've been to Florida uh 11. 11 times in Florida have you ever been to Florida 11 times is there a Florida in Scotland yes there is actually there's a Florida in Scotland there's also a Florida and France and there's a Florida and Australia really yeah but the Florida and Australia is upside down so [Music] so it's a chain it's a chain yeah yeah they're kind of like they're good the good thing is you always know you're going to get the same thing you could go to Florida and Australia or France or anywhere and say I'd like some cortisone cream and uh banana and there you can have it it's the same every time that doesn't happen if you're reincarnated like you're gonna come back and live the same exact life I don't think I mean I I don't well do you know I don't know yeah I don't know have you ever been reincarnated I'm partially reincarnated time wise like for the first 15 minutes of an hour I've been there before [Music] 15 minutes of an hour that's half an hour that's right there 50 minutes 50 minutes you see no that's no you don't know you you know foreign like the 3G TVs yeah yeah I need a 4D it's the fourth dimension time time you could be watching it and not watching it simultaneously that way you have more free time yeah [Laughter] that's how I feel how are you you're asking me how I am yeah yeah I'm all right yeah yeah I did ask you how you were yeah how are you you look I'm all right and at the same time not very well hit him in the fourth dimension of Health fine but not fine at the same time right no I'm actually I'm actually I'm going back out doing stand up again I'm going back out on the road doing uh well I call it stand up people call it who's that annoying guy on in the corner great are you looking forward to it yeah a little bit Yeah I am actually I'm going to Denver right the weekend you ever been to Denver many times yeah 11 times seven seven times I had you there they uh Denver is uh it's very high up yeah it's higher up for example than Holland if you measure it from the earth it is no it's still the Earth Denver is on planet Earth I'm pretty sure anyway Denver's good it's a good place it's uh in Denver Colorado that's the only one I've been to no there's a Denver in France Australia but the Denver and Australia is upside down they make good omelets too they do they make a lovely uh they're Denver omelets are uh the favorites for the Super Bowl I believe this year really all right wouldn't it be good if there was a if there was some kind of you know what if you were actually in a football team and your opposition were omelettes you'd be feeling pretty confident sounds like here we go guys who are we against uh omelets I think we're gonna win I'd pay to see that yeah I'd like to see that actually that's that that'd be odd when you do your stand up do you ever finish with a song I never have but uh maybe I'll try that I do a couple of songs within the act in the middle of the ACT well halfway and then three quarters and then I then I don't play then I talk more and then it goes back and forth like that the next thing you know the show is over and it goes by in such a blur yeah it's like it's like a car accident you know thank you except less people involved yeah yeah more more people more more people I'd funny you know like like a hilarious like a character like a car accident involving clones yeah but not with clowns but not a funny accident it's still an accident no no Stephen it's no it's not a no it's not a bad accident it's a good accident where everyone gets better it's like a it's like an accident but in Australia right right that's good that's that's interesting you do this to me every time you're on the show I always get these weird flashback things happening and I flashed back to the last time you were on the show which is weird and you've been on the show now what 11 times around there I mean I've been having premonitions of flashbacks laughs there's uh let's demon right right there we gotta go right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] and now Craig's Spanish word of the day today's word is Flaco Flaco [Applause] Lago welcome back everybody you know uh whenever I go to a Starbucks in Mexico I always have my latte Flaco by the way latte Flacco is the name that I used to dance under I wish Sarah Palin was here hey uh oh I know well don't play these we'll do the Twitches and emails [Music] will set you free tries and also email [Applause] [Music] that's uh that's pretty good actually isn't it that's going to look out of place with the rest of the show uh right I'm just gonna I'll go on and I'll read the emails and the Twitter even right everybody [Applause] [Music] listen Stephen thank goodness you're here this is very unexpected but I'm glad you're here because I'm feeling a bit depressed and I thought you might cheer me up I'm an expert on depression and uh I think it's going to start going up for you in about a half an hour about half an hour yeah how can you tell what are the signs you can tell by the way you comb you're here I don't comb my hair a very unusual condition I flex it into this shape all right well you can help me with the emails behind me dropping in like this do you no no I I I thought you might usually swing by when I'm depressed actually maybe you swinging by is what depressed maybe yes as I drove closer here you as you get closer I began to pick up on it sorry about that that's all right that's all right uh all right we'll do it through the emails and the Twitches and stuff are you on the Twitter no okay um have you been on it a couple of weeks how do you like it it's pretty good yeah yeah you should try it you have to know everyone that you're twittering with no it's like sex in the 1970s not now you mean laughs all right this is uh oh here's an interesting uh email look at this this is from uh Braxton in Port St Lucie in Florida you won't believe this it says Dear Craig where is Steven Wright no way what are the chances of that of all the nights for the guy to write that isn't that the weirdest thing yeah Braxton I don't think is a guy's name I think it's a pony yeah you got a lot of funny sending emails now with the invention of the eye touch a lot of my fans are probably this is like watching you on TV except it's much clearer fear and watch the show like rather than on TV I could sit like there and just watch you know I'm not say it yeah yeah you can save on Election double the viewership right there right this is from Eric and Edson Alberta have you been to Canada before Stephen many times I was originally from there and then I changed I changed for uh tax purposes a lot of the things I'm saying to you I don't have no idea what I'm saying is that for tax purposes well that's for security reasons well this is here's this is from Erica and Edson Alberto she says Dear Craig sorry to bother you that's perfectly right uh I can't decide whether I should start my holiday in Stockholm Sweden or London England what would you recommend well that you're a world traveler Stephen what would you recommend I would recommend somewhere in Florida foreign is restricting their options you got to go somewhere yeah I mean you can't you shouldn't really choose it that way it will be more exciting well how the hell are you gonna get there there's different airlines they have now where you don't have to make a reservation or even get on the plane I mean I have I have a lot of mileage advantage on those Airlines yep yeah but like an internet scam to me no it's true I uh I like your desk there is it Jessica always there yeah it was over about two inches no no I tried that it didn't work out okay yeah yeah oh right this is a good you're like this is a Twitter you can tell us a Twitter because CBS black and white head show of a bird by the way how about that CSI Miami that's a great show wouldn't it on television I saw a Play version of that once really where was it a musical it was in Stockholm in Stockholm CSI Miami and Stockholm done by Swedish actors live version live was David Caruso in it I don't think so yeah he's not good at Swedish he's a good actor got his limitations yeah when it comes to Swedish he's hopeless you gotta you know that takes a lot of studying there's certain acting schools that are just for Swedish this is from Brandon Madison Wisconsin she says uh our llamas as pretentious as they look I don't know any llamas have you ever come across any llamas in your world travels where you don't go anywhere in this airline that you don't even get on the plane what I'm saying is you keep a llama in your house I don't I have to I used to know too um as uh in the year early 70s [Music] they're very arrogant they think they're cool because they don't talk so that would be a yes then to the uh yes yes Brenda they are this is from Sally in Kirkland in WoW shinton she says Craig what's your feeling about ponchos ponchos ponchos ponchos should be outlawed for a variety of reasons I disagree entirely but give me your reasons why they have no sleeves not a crime in this man's America which if you're hitchhiking with a poncho you can't really get anywhere because no one even knows if you're here you might as well take the okay you might as well take the plane that doesn't go anywhere because that it would save you the bother of wearing your Poncho that's right which isn't really that much of a bother because you don't even have to put your arms through you just it's just that thing you put your head through the top I'm glad we're on the same page we're on the same page makes me even more depressed [Applause] welcome back to the show welcome back welcome back to the show sorry I just have to use some hand sanitizer I was out in the audience Greg what are you saying are you saying you feel up members of the audience [Laughter] I said I do do you think I've got small hands or big hands it's a rhetorical question I'd quite like to have tiny little small hands then it would surprise people when they saw I had a huge penis but these things are a giveaway applaud that for censorship reasons right tonight you're looking forward to the weekend I know I am I'm gonna go nuts this weekend what are you gonna do never you mind big weekend Jeff you're gonna have a big weekend not so much maybe it was you complete is he what happened yeah okay well your eyes look nice hahaha it's too late now it's too late now first you I'm telling you I think wow girl anyway all right what am I gonna do oh yeah what about tweets you know actually that's not a bad idea why you do the jingle do the jingle thing babysitting here check them Twitter and also emails [Music] I look forward to your letters I'm just putting that over here why why not all right uh let me just check the doorbell could be there why why come on [Music] hi Stephen you look awesome I haven't seen you in a while thank you how are you I'm all right actually I'll just put my cup over there I um you had a haircut I went on a diet for about an hour laughs you did just that I lost about three pounds so I don't know if I if at that ratio I better quit yeah you want to get have something to eat nice to see you it's nice to see you in person uh you know me you see me in person all the time that's true yeah all right I I'm just gonna do the tweets and the emails all right can I chime in yeah chime in China do be your usual Sparky butt to himself because because the robots so you're gonna have to do something there's something wrong with him though I think it's you know robot time of the month or something all right you can help me with the Tweets in the email sir is that a real robot no it's a drawing of a robot yes it's a real robot look it's a robot looks good oh foreign [Laughter] [Music] are you on the Twitter do you do the tweets no okay um I was but it was getting dangerous so you don't want to risk that um all right this is an email this is from Sarah in Dallas Texas you ever been to Texas I've been to her house [Music] [Applause] several times a week and now that's about it for now yeah you should be in the audience um yeah there you are uh that's twice now Sarah in Dallas Texas uh she says Dear Craig actually probably means Stephen as well probably yeah um what should I get my 83 year old grandma for her birthday a new birth certificate [Music] [Applause] [Music] that doesn't make any sense does if you don't think about it too much okay uh Stephen in Boston Massachusetts what that's where I'm from my name my name is Stephen and I'm from Boston see let's see the feeling in my sleep go ahead says Craig I'm going to be on tour soon I'd really like it if you could plug my dates do you mind they're uh the community theater in Morristown New Jersey on June the 4th the count basis theater in Red Bank New Jersey that's not for me but thank you so there's another Stephen who appearing at these theaters no I am appearing there but this is very strange so as long as it's happening in real life we'll just accept it guys oh they're saying that your cell phone's going off it's affecting the sound no it isn't yes don't argue with him man throw it off you have to throw it off stage well you can you know you can get me I'll put it over here you must send myself a mess all right well you clearly you're sending emails that you don't know about is that all right now it's not right here okay so yeah all right I will exchange the cell phone for a headshot of Liza Minnelli up [Applause] [Music] [Applause] s [Applause] [Music] all right uh if you you can hand that in at the end of the show and you'll receive your cell phone back all right we've got a Tweety um this is from Frederica in Venice in Italy have you been there no she says hi Craig I need to pick a language for my a levels German Spanish or English what do you think pick a language for what e-levels it's a kind of thing like SATs except for you know Europeans kind of like gay SATs she should go with Italian if she wants to get a good grade well I would I I would say that actually she should do English because you know she's not bad at it look at that she's all typing up emails and putting a picture of a peacock on them and everything you can tell she's very intelligent thank you just by the texture of the paper that's true you can feel that feel that's quality paper that that's from that's from Italy that's a town that's your Italian paper there you know what you could you could eat that it's like they use pasta for paper there's some great uh trees in Italy and that's where they get that's where they uh make make the that's where they make the paper from [Music] this is from Tiffany in San Antonio in Texas you been there yeah okay uh that's where Sarah lives isn't it no she's in Dallas she moved from San Antonio because she had that thing with her mom oh yeah [Music] make sure no one took my phone no it's right there man look it's right over there oh man calm down calm down foreign this is from Tiffany in San Antonio Texas Tiffany says uh great uh for dating guys what is considered too old for me I'm 19. well what do you think Stephen 19. how old can she go 70. [Music] that would make me way under her limit 17 I would be way under limit yeah but look just beginning Goodwood because because you want to date a 19 year old girl not really come on you're amongst friends yes yeah I don't know I don't know what do you think if you had to answer what would you think well if she was my daughter I would say 20. yeah if she was uh you know um a relative or something like that not my daughter I'd say 20. any other kind of 19 year old girl I'd go 70. [Music] hold on a second I get my shame you hold down the um thanks um see there we think the same we're on the same page we're like we grew up together and and uh no we didn't but we think very the same you know similar they think similar I really hope not oh maybe we do but just at different velocities yes that's true I see what you mean even though I'm just listening to you can you imagine if this was going to go on television I think it's kind of a PSA about drug use laughs we uh we gotta take a break you want to do the uh we'll be back after the commercial break except you won't we'll be back right after this but I won't [Applause] all right [Applause] take that Alan [Laughter] do it again do it again [Applause] man Ellen's in shape my next guest is uh my next guest and my first guest well my first guest if you don't count Tamara at the very beginning of the show which I do of course and by the way it's Tamara no Tamara Tamara like camera not Tamara like see you tomorrow [Laughter] my first guest tonight is a comedy icon now he's appearing uh on October the 16th at the Patriots theater in Trenton New Jersey and then October the 20th at the Moore Theater in Seattle Washington that's a very long way from um hence the four-day Gap he's uh foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] they're excited to see you that's nice that was a nice reaction beautiful you look fresh thank you you do too thank you imagine if people reacted like that too if you just walked into a 7-Eleven so slushy yeah have you got your hat One backwards yeah why in case I'm gonna go the other way foreign [Music] well I I you need to be more specific because in certain areas I'm fantastic and in other areas like and like and sexually I'm 10 right emotionally one that's right masturbation without lust do you see any of that I read I read that book you read what book masturbation without love yeah are you a big reader do you read a lot of books I read you know when I'm looking at the book yeah yeah it's reading a book now about the Beatles breaking up and uh what happened after they broke up and it's very disturbing and I'm still upset over the fact that they've broken up you gotta have to let that go a little bit they were they weren't from Scotland weren't they The Beatles no near Scotland Liverpool it's about uh the distance from uh Santa Monica to Culver City oh interesting foreign 's much closer in Europe for example if I was on it's true if I was on a bus in Scotland I could look out the window and see France everything's much closer like if I want to go to an Italian restaurant and I'm in England I just walk out the door and it's just across the street that's why there were so many wars over there because people didn't really know where they lived and stuff no they knew where they lived they were just very true it was too close distance was different mathematical distance is different there different yeah yeah this time go differently in like 27 minutes but in European years I'm 420. wow you look fabulous thank you excellent good so I feel kind of odd because usually when you're here we do the emails and we are doing the emails we thought we were doing them right now you want to do something I got some I've got some do you want to blow my mouth organ I'll give you a dollar no not in this lifetime no no I got a spare one look sanitized okay all right you wanna do you play a mess hockey I did when I was in prison okay see that look at that one there it's Beauty there right there look at that [Music] [Music] [Music] forgive me [Applause] there you go that's pretty good will you do that I studied that in France and uh which was right near uh Italy right near Italy yeah do you want you want to do uh sure so when you do the stand up that's a long way from New Jersey to Seattle that's going to be a lot two-year Gap this is uh from Kristen in San Francisco you ever been there yes I've been there many times have you ever been a parade there wearing leather stuff yes I have ever masturbated without lust come on the show whoever knew this would be discussed all right they say you want to go on the show I said yeah all right clearly I need to build a time machine you don't know what you're going to talk about before I commit to coming on here oh no wait that that doesn't make any sense at all because because then that would be like wherever you went in the world you would need to phone ahead to see what the conversation is going to be yeah I don't like working without a net well Taylor net she's can come out and she can say [Music] is that girl's name that's Annette yeah [Applause] yeah all right this is uh from I like the internet thing that's good yeah that was good yeah yeah it wouldn't have worked if she was named something else yeah I know you want you want to do this yeah all right then this is for Matt Kristen in San Francisco which is in California yeah you ever been there yeah never been to California all right Kristen says Dear Craig and Stephen I think she probably meant now she didn't write it in but she meant that my college today and their Banner had a huge picture of your snake tattoo on it do these protesters work for you foreign yes they're protesting that you have snake tattoos yeah yeah they're very they're very angry at me of getting a tattoo of us uh no this is this is a do you have these yeah where you come from I have them but they're on the other side of my skin you can't see yeah this is uh this is from Rick in San Diego yeah and my brother's name Rick but that's not him but go ahead did you there's your brother Rick live in San Diego no because that would have been weird yeah says a dear Craig and Stephen now with the advances in TV would you ever consider doing a show in 3D would you like to do a show in 3D that would be good I'd like to do one in 1D conserved Dimensions you know yeah all right everything's being wasted too much gas too much energy too many dimensions too much time like if the world ended it would save on time I threw in the baby out with a bath water there a little bit I like to think in big pictures or like in stamps right okay this is from Sally in uh Hampton Beach in New Hampshire oh yeah yeah yeah I know her she says have you ever tried Lobster ice cream yeah don't judge yeah that's disgusting yeah it is disgusting you know that lobsters mate for life you mean with each other I don't know man I'm not a marine biologist you know they asked me uh what do you want to talk about when you're out there and uh we haven't covered anything just making an observation well you know what me I I if I don't know the plan I can't stick to it what do you want to talk about is there any more yeah yeah sure well we have to go you know we're out of time but we'll do another one because he's a yeah never mind uh all right this is a tweet from Mark in Oklahoma have you ever been to Oklahoma I've been there twice I've been there twice but not in real life okay thank you a guy on TV reading him to himself yeah the guy on TV with his hat one back uh all right here's where's what we gotta get going though yeah all right this is from Melissa and Princeton who says uh dear Craig I'm going to be in La for Halloween is there any place to fun to hang out in alloy early in Halloween foreign [Music] I don't know what you're talking about I don't see any robot that thing's dressed better than me yeah I think it went downhill after the harmonica really just cut it in a loop just like eight minutes of that yeah and then show it at the gas station don't you love that you go to the gas station you get gas Jaylen was like I'm like I thought I got a minute to myself here oh you mean he's on the TV no no he's actually in the gas station we should take that on the road yeah yeah or it's always a pleasure being here very thankful one to ten I would say that my experience here tonight was like a nine point one well that's good that means it's pretty good but there's still room for him you don't know how I was measuring it Stephen right everybody I'm overrated [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back every day to the worst underfunded show on TV what time is it Jeffrey Peterson shake your bag and grab some tweets oh it's a new one I know it's not [Music] [Applause] what Who's down at the door it's oh it's Steven Ray all right all right all right Stephen it's very nice to see you but I I'm uh you know I'm kind of I was doing the emails well my television's broken so all right perhaps good night do them how are you oh I'm good I'm good on a scale of like one two seven zero point three no see is it you know zero being awesome oh okay because I was gonna give you something to change that I can't I don't really do that anymore man but uh you might choke me into it I think your hat might be going backwards dude known isn't okay do you I'm sorry that your TV's broken that means you can't be watching this show that must be sad oh I hear it Hobbies or something you can do instead of watching TV what about them um yeah I am no I mean my hobby is not committing suicide it's good to have a hobby it's nice to have something you can do you have any hobbies I the same hobby as you is one of them um this is from uh uh uh this is actually to us both of us it's like they knew you were coming it's from Jason in New York yeah you ever been to New York I've been knew his house he's nice but he has an attitude but he's not he's a New Yorker he's like hey yeah what do you want from me uh anyway he says uh dear Craig I'm Stephen I am the best man at My Best Friend's Wedding and I can't think of anything to say at the reception could you help me oh you must know the best man speech surely what time is it uh you know no that's it like that's what he should say [Music] it covers everything and and if you're talking about a marriage and life and being on the earth time is the common denominator of the whole thing so if he asks what time it is and they said then you know that's a that's a way of wishing them luck CBS scares all right this is from Justin and G long Australia you ever been to Geelong in Australia ever been to Australia ever felt kangaroo's dead they jump by then take a ride they jump along and you go down for a ride Bros and you hold on to the testicles and you zip along as the as the kangaroo pulls you hoppity hop across the Outback I don't know it might have been a dream have you seriously been to Australia yes did you enjoy it yes okay [Music] he's going to Australia one thing I didn't like about it was it was so far that I could feel the distance after about two weeks you know I'd go up by a globe and I just go home [Music] you're aware of yeah and he wanted to go home all right do you think Australians feel like that they feel like that constantly they feel like that no they're not included like there's a party happening and they're not in no that's that no that's what Canadians feel though foreign but he's actually a cockney dear Craig there's a girl at work who I have strong feelings for her but she doesn't seem to be interested in me do you have any suggestions on how to get her attention no there this must be you're a famous Casanova you have your way with the ladies something to do with a slide [Music] stay up a slip and slide so I don't know what it is like that's all I have you're gonna have to finish Okay so so something to do with the slide Justin you'll figure it out buddy all right this is from Andrew in Lakeland Florida you ever been there many times yeah me too many times went to high school here so did I did I went to high school there with you yeah don't you remember now I remember I only saw you never mind all right uh Andrew says Dear Craig I'm Stephen what is your opinion on the economic crisis we are facing and what would you do to get the economy back to foreign [Music] this is from Karen and Trenton they should just make money worth more [Music] thank you this is from Karen in Trenton New Jersey you ever been to Jersey yeah yeah nice well yeah nothing all right my son will be 18 and leaving for college this summer he's still a virgin and my husband wants to get him a prostitute for his birthday oh man what are your thoughts about this well I'll tell you the first thing I think about it is I always think I'm I feel the same but clearly there are worse [Music] I think you should get her too so that when he's at College you have double the memory of stuff but like that but that's perfect actually um this is from Bryce in Newport News [Music] return Newport News it's in Virginia apparently and it's it's called Newport News it used to be in Italy it used to be in Italy guess that's the news then here's the news effort to buy this we're moving the whole town over towards America all right sorry if you don't understand my Italian although with your hat uh dear Craig uh I'm about to drive cross-country from here to Los Angeles any suggestions [Music] this is from Ryan in Philadelphia uh he's uh he's an owl you ever have you ever held an owl and stroked its head because they're they're so beautiful they they look right at you like they know what's going on we're waiting for a plane and we don't know each other and you've turned to me and you say that I bet you'd really wish I was sitting next to you on the plane have you ever stroke to full grow now seven eight anyway uh Ryan says hi Craig and Stephen if there was one song to describe you best what would it be what would your song be Taps taps that's all I got I got I don't have a song I guess that there's a very old song written a long time ago yes by that guy yes yeah that one uh [Music] this is from Sandy and Paul Tuckerton Rhode Island yeah I love Rhode Island you know that's what the children of uh transvestites say to their fathers before they go out to perform oh I took it that's I said I said transvestites like old transvestites good performing but that's not true of course what I meant was you know performing drag queens that's what the children of Performing drag queens states of the fathers before they go out to perform poor took it but women's clothing [Music] yes I have I would do it to amuse my girlfriends like they but they weren't amused yeah they say they come back to their apartment you're wearing their eyes no I would say can I put some of your stuff on while they were there and I would and then I'd walk around thinking they were gonna like laugh hysterically but they just looked like that I mean like I wasn't saying some some ideas are not good ideas foreign [Laughter] [Applause] Stephen have you ever been to South America I'm going to Rio this summer and wondering if you know any good places to hang out you don't want to hang out if you're going to Rio you want to tuck it Paul to go there just the one you gave me last time all right you kept it that's nice did you practice it's the same shirt [Applause] [Laughter] what time is it I have no idea let's play a really short song all right [Music] everybody [Music] [Applause] [Music] my next guest my next guest is one of the most exciting and original uh comedians working in the United States he is a fabulous comedy icon and he's shaved I noticed that backstage which is might not be exciting for you but very exciting for me because I'll be making out with him later on I told you he was gay right anyway he's performing this weekend in Chico California and then Reno Nevada and then in the Napa Valley please welcome my friend Steven Wright everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] Stephen you look you look awesome thank you I'm amazed why well you've shaved the beard off and it looks like you've escaped from something yeah I was kind of in a prison in my own mind and I kind of like acted like a prisoner for a while and then I decided you know I'm not in prison so why act like I'm in prison when when you were acting like you were in prison did you make no no no no let's switch the subject uh well you when you were in prison I've never been to prison I was only in jail um I've never been I've never been to the big house the Pokey the star the uh the magic Ballroom Magic Ball you were in court and they said guilty you must now go to the magic Ballroom no because if they said if you did something and they said no you've what you've done is so bad you're going to the magic Ballroom I'd be like oh well foreign that's the same guy that sat down have you ever met anyone in Boston that sits down uh like that I didn't I didn't see what he was doing really can he do it again oh I don't know I mean that kind of stuff doesn't come easy sitting down hey you're right you know that Jeff Pearson has his brother's girlfriend Alex to the show really that's his girlfriend yeah they look related to me a lot of people do that they're attracted to people that look like the other person yeah like for example I don't mean physically they look related like on a subconscious level you know what I'm saying no you can see it you can see it in their eyes if you don't really look right at them you look slightly away from me yes yes are you any good at these 3d posters when you have to look kind of slightly weird at it and then it turns into 3D I do that eight hours a day you're making me 3D just by looking at me so if I like this it like freaks you up I'm making you 3D and a half for tax purposes all right that's fair enough have you ever uh you ever lied on your tax form I've never really filled one out [Music] boy you're gonna have a great week this week man somewhere a tax guy that can't sleep just right all right laughs and well this is even right I I've heard I've heard of it but no one actually said to me right instantly you must do this so I didn't think it applied to me no everyone's got to pay a little bit of tax even people from Boston I know that you were uh you know you fought the British for it originally and tea and all that I studied American history did you study American history I studied Scottish history you dead yeah Alan Pinkerton he was from Scotland yes Alan Pinkerton was the son of a Glasgow policeman yes Alan Pinkerton the pinkinson Asians I did a book a report in eighth grade and that was the first the first sentence was Alan Pinkerton was the son of a Glasgow policeman and it's still in my head but do I know who the fourth president is no you want to say the Pinkerton Agency on that they'd find out for you they would do they still exist have you ever hired a private detective to follow an ex-girlfriend was that like a did you hear that the air conditioner went on do you have an air conditioner wow did you know that yeah we'd gone big time we have an air conditioner which we apparently leave it to turn on during the show on you no I have one it runs on it's on a gas engine though it's like because I don't want to use a lot of uh air electricity ah but it's not to make the room cooler it's for other reasons [Music] don't tell me about this or ask me however you're gonna do it I'm not telling you what to do I'm just making you are telling me what to do yet I'm making a threat actually do you use hair conditioner then what about hair conditioner instead of an air conditioner are you like rinse lather repeat and then when when frogs get sad and they cry a lot the tears are very valuable and I and I and I stroke it into my hair it's very hard now I can either buy it or try to get a frog to cry depending on my mood you know the go to the stop call up Angie who's in czechoslovak you're gonna have her ship somewhere or I'll go into the little room where the frogs are and I'll tell them horrible stories and then that's what happened sometimes when I'm talking to you man I feel I've wandered Out of My League I mean I only did acids I don't know what the hell you were doing I had stock and axes do you ever do the uh peyote I believe you did you did you well peyote yeah yeah yeah I'm not recommending it though no I don't see no reason no I'm not I I didn't have a lot of fun with the hallucinogens I uh I thought oh this is this is bad I can't wait to get back to my normal robot skeleton and his girlfriend how did uh this happen here well uh it's robot well Alex was sitting in uh lesbian raw and Jeff kind of Hitler sir she was sitting where lesbian man where where her mom is sitting right now her mother's lesbian I could ask the frogs but you know here's my problem with your whole Frog story tell me Janice well I did thank you I know about frogs and I know a lot about frogs in fact where I come from I'm known as the creepy guy that knows too much about frog or in Scottish so frogs don't have tear ducts yeah they do they do these things yeah Google Google all right I'm good like using my computer somebody out there there's people out there with computers they can Google it and send in the answer foreign [Music] acid casualty conversation really sort of I like your clothes they're not mine no no I wouldn't wear stuff like this if I wasn't in the basement here I normally I wear you know sparkly outfits because I'm a bit like Liza Minnelli you know yeah I love her I mean you know as a singer I love her as a carpenter she's extraordinary I tell you you've never seen anyone make I mean she's like [Music] a bookcase all right all right that's uh we're not a time uh Stephen what do you want uh uh awkward pause mouth organ or do you want to go for the big cash prize or do you want to go for the big cash cash prize yeah everybody goes for the cash prize these days all right fifty dollars in singles acceptable at any strip club what US yes US dollars look there's a picture of the address Washington right there uh yeah that's right uh okay you win fifty dollars all you have to do is answer one question you ready yeah was that it yes [Applause] please welcome my friend Steven Wright everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Hello Steven what a lovely hat thank you thank you how are you you know I gotta tell you I'm feeling uh excited tonight yeah well I met one of the rocket Queens France you I saw them live in Italy south of France shout out to France yeah yeah but south of France is Spain foreign which is in the south of France oh I see yes have you ever been to France no not how you mean [Laughter] I see the case have you ever been to Cleveland [Laughter] [Applause] have you been to France yes how did you like it it's pretty good yeah yeah uh the light very good food and it's very handy if you want to get to Spain which is to the South you ever been to Spain yeah I went to high school in Spanish High School in Spain I went to school in Massachusetts right and then 10th grade we moved to Spain for just eight months and then we moved back and then my then my father was put in Institution that's terribly sad yeah it's good that thing was good so the institution was a good as well if that didn't happen you know now couldn't be happening because everything's everything's connected I see so this depends on how you look at it most things are you know dependent on how you look at them except things you can't see yes music music for example yeah music doesn't matter how you look at music no no I mean unless you're playing it unless you're reading the music and then playing it you know right exactly yeah sometimes I'll read music and then listen to a book on tape [Music] I don't know why that makes me sad so you're playing The Orleans hey I've played The Orleans yeah yeah good place it's a great theater there in that Orleans right there they got they got the seats facing the direction of the stage yeah and you stand there if you stand on the stage and look where the seats are the people everyone there can see you yeah which really helps unlike here where you know they keep me in the dark and yeah I don't like the people looking at me though it's going to be tricky in the stand-up comedy games a mental thing to deal with that I have to I consider it an invasion of privacy but I block it out like I block a lot of things out this thing's right now that I'm blocking out hey ciao yeah if I hadn't said that would you have known that no because you're blocking it out it was like it's like you're it's like you have some kind of invisible force field yes thank you thank you hey hey guy Jeff Jeff how you doing I thought I was related to him you probably are just block it out [Applause] so uh listen to The Orleans when you're into what what you want to talk about robot see three you know it's interesting because your teeth are the only part of your skeleton that you can see while you're alive unless you break a bone or something well well yeah it comes up but in general people are walking around with part of their skeleton every day and then he obviously his whole head is right there but right right so so your teeth are kind of a preview to your to death you know you know if you if you're a friend yourself in a situation where you're trying to impress a girl that's the way to go [Applause] yeah yeah preview to death yeah do you think uh you think you'll be uh you think it'll be uh partying when you're in Vegas partying no I I go I do the show and then I go back to my room and I look at the TV without turning it on and then I don't know so you know I won't I won't gamble I'll just enjoy myself on a scale of one to ten or seven I try to hit a seven and then I leave the next day even if you've got a show that night yeah I'll leave and then come back yeah because I'm so used to traveling I'll even come back she kept the miles Advantage right right yeah but yeah yeah I do you ever go I sometimes go to the airport and go I don't feel like going and then I go home I lose a lot of work that way I turn I want to do uh I'm gonna do a commercial break sure I mean I don't want I mean go to one I'm not gonna do it you don't have anything you want to advertise there's your chance no all right well here's some other ones then [Music] additional [Music] welcome back everybody we have to you know this is the BET where we you know we do how you see we used to uh just have an ending thing it was like how do you want to do awkward pause do you want to do you know but it's grown so much we now have to have a whole segment okay all right so really what I say now is we're out of time which means we'll be wrapping this thing up in about 10 minutes okay so we're out of town we're out of time but it doesn't end till 10 minutes well let us know because we've been talking okay [Applause] all right I'm with you all right right so oh at a time uh so what would you like to do awkward pause uh mouth organ or would you like to go for the big cash prize big cash prize I see is that it no no no there's more after that oh okay I go like this I see what time is it it's time for the big as you see and then I bring out the money which is you know 50 American dollars in single so you'll be able to use them in strip clubs in Las Vegas do you go do you go to the strip clubs I've been in them but yeah I occasionally what do you mean occasionally you know when I'm in there I'm in there [Laughter] all right well there's two ways to win the big cash prize 50 American dollars why you look at me like that quizzical look following the contest I don't know what the contest is well here's the content there's two ways to win two weeks to win you can either uh answer a question or you can guess what's in my box here's how you do that I imagine a box in my head there's something in it I don't know what it is only Jack knows what it is you're trying to guess what it is and if you're correct Jeff will tell you and if you're wrong you have to pay a four feet there's a box in your head with something in it but you don't know what it is yes he knows what it is can it be a name oh all right okay okay Julie Andrews wait wait look if you're just if you you didn't even tell me if you want to do the Box dude man all right so it's trick Star Trek car dash it's apparently simple this or that question or against myself the fact I answered it meant that I want to do well spring with a format now and we will not have that here all right okay all right so uh what would you like to do a question or guess what's in my box uh question did you just smell your finger right now [Applause] [Music] you see that's the joy of Television yeah you never asked me that on television what if you smelled your finger all right go ahead all right okay Iceland is in the North Atlantic yeah capital city is Reykjavik is what Reykjavik man lead in [Applause] [Applause] come on foreign [Music] [Applause] yeah yeah you wanted to come on with a big Fanfare where the girls dressed as sexy construction workers and the uh and the horse yeah thank you so much no it's fine it's just you're a segment too early [Music] segment there was no traffic so oh well okay fair enough well you're too early so it's uh email time I I like your suit I used to have a suit that uh I had no suit that ever looked like that but that reminds it's such a suit that I don't have that it reminds me of it do you know you know what I mean do you know what they found off the coast of California today that's another reason I am surprised to see you what 100 pounds of My Oh I thought you meant they found they found suits yeah Japanese suits these Japanese suits had floated across from Japan it's something to do with the way the tidal waters are they yeah they floated over and sharks were wearing them what did they find what were you gonna say they found 800 pounds of marijuana really yeah ready for a commercial break [Music] all right so listen we got we have to do the tweets and the emails so you'll just have to do them with me all right thank you [Music] Mr is the show going the show's going do you want to take a minute and go and put on your suit oh yeah that's all right no go ahead all right well we have to do this Jeff and I do usually do a jingle yeah yeah we do a jingle first of all let me just put your mind at rest yes that is really there yeah I was gonna say yeah yeah hey man [Music] [Music] I could do this all day come on let's be honest Jeff when we are not here you do do this oh bite me what nationality are you the chick was a I didn't know that Jeffy yeah wow things you know yeah it's interesting yeah I thought you looked familiar have you have you been to Czechoslovakia yes I went to high school there you did what was the name of the high school that you went to check you can't remember right it was uh Czechoslovakian Sunshine Elementary School and I went to high school in the elementary school for tax purposes I see well the horse right now listen we have to we have to do the jingle for tweets and emails all right yeah Jeff you join in uh you know all right okay [Music] it's time for treats and demons you want me to start singing yeah yeah come on it's time for treating demons that's great thank you I can't believe you haven't been on Broadway or have you [Music] here time for treats and emails we're all we're all gonna die that was pretty good all right [Applause] [Music] all right this is uh from Laura and Manhattan Beach in California have you ever ever been to California never been to California all right uh good day Mr Ferguson Mr Peterson and probably uh from uh you know probably would have included you had she known who's Mr Peterson and Jeff Peterson Peterson's a very Czechoslovakian name you as you must know yeah good day Mr Ferguson Mr Peterson and Stephen Wright uh my boyfriend of several years snore so loud I can't sleep is this enough to break up with him if you're looking for a reason yeah it's fine what do you think anybody should sleep underwater just for one night yeah but if you if you sleep under War water water what did I say what did I say War I picked up in Czechoslovakia I sleep but well let me try it let's leave on the water yeah we're all going to die yeah you do to me yeah you sound a little bit like a sort of slowed down fog horn I say Foghorn legs [Music] the whole time people say to you that's what they say yeah you sound like say I say you sound like like when I go into a restaurant they say how many people when I say it's none of your business they'll say they sound like that okay all right this is the next one you might do the jungle again actually in Milwaukee and Wisconsin no you must have been at Milwaukee yes they've been there many times my aunt used to live there before she went to prison went to prison four yeah no it's had to do with books and and dogs it's 80 true all right I say I say you uh I like your vest why I say I say thank you very I say thank you very much then that's what he says that dear Craig and Jeff and Steve uh my younger sister is going to the same College as me starting in the fall is it wrong that I don't want her around oh grow the bucket um you get you got anything I'm just trying to help I'm just trying to help this is like watching the show but I have a really good seat yeah this is from uh from Josiah I think it's Josiah how do you pronounce that Josiah Jeffrey Jeffrey in Portland and Maine now this is Portland Maine we're talking about no Portland Oregon have you been in Portland Maine Portland Maine I've been a boat if you follow the United States the map yeah right there that's not a coincidence but wow but go ahead I interrupt no I I'm actually fascinated by that you can fold the map of the United States Portland Maine and Portland Oregon touch so they're kind of like it's the only two cities in North America that do that [Music] that's even right if the two of you three of you were trapped on an island what is the one thing you'd like to have whoa that was an interesting question right there what would you like I'd like to have a book about how to build boats thank you yeah I'd like to have a harmonica go ahead all right he could make harmonica noises out of his ass the thing is he has to open his mouth to do it do it again Jeff now the noise is not coming out of his mouth it may appear that way I have nothing to say about this [Music] hey you started it man all right this is from Samantha and what are you doing you were going to reach for something there I had a thought and then I changed my mind oh I do that all the time yeah I think about things I'm like oh and then I don't yeah dear Craig and Jeff and Stephen Wright how do you know when it's appropriate to let a friendship turn into something more oh usually well what do you think uh when the police are no longer involved foreign this is from my Morgan in Sterling Heights in Michigan you ever been there yeah were you going to go there was that are you passing gas is that what it was you're like I just was you know I gotta move around like I've been sitting here too long what although I appear to be extremely laid back and these anti-bursts of energy all right yeah all right then all right go ahead go ahead have you ever have you ever been close to a flamingo like up close to Flamingo well he says there's a picture of a flamingo here right yeah no I have no have you yeah yeah too too close yeah Jeff we Jeff and I hate flamingos no they smell terrible they do they smell terrible you know why they in order to stay cool they pee on their legs were these prostitute flamingos we we give we give them a couple of bucks there's a couple of bucks being your own legs [Laughter] prostitute flamingos eh yeah you are so like funny and weird and uh I I love watching you I love listening to you I love sitting this close when I really in my mind I'm about four inches closer by the way foreign it's always a pleasure coming here and then when I leave many months later I come back that's true it's like a circle it's like the circle of life man yeah amen how are you yeah [Applause] [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Music] my first guest tonight is a comedy icon he's a great comedian he's performing this weekend at The Orleans Hotel in Las Vegas please welcome my friend Steven Wright everybody sleep around [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's a really good impression of Stephen right we were doing them before you come out you and him yeah yeah hey how's it going man that's that's he does it better yeah he does yeah yeah he does everything better than me other than get 12 foot from an outlet have you ever been to uh Albuquerque yeah well Stephen have you ever been to Albuquerque yeah I've been there twice three times in reality foreign it's different than the other one is it in a different place to the exactly the same place right right I guess so is this in the same space as the other one or is it in a whole other like we still in Los Angeles well let's look out the window and find out Charlie's David why yes we are how's it going with you that's all right I don't have that kind of hat you must be making big money now for that I like that hat I had this made and uh in uh Pakistan Castlevania in Italy I was saying for about a few hours just went over to have a hat made and have you been solving local crimes horse over there that's like a really that's not really happening is it because if it is it's close enough yeah it's I have to say that the horse seems to like you he's giving you the what's up yeah what's up what's up how do you like being in your new I like it I like it fine you know I mean it's it's a little bigger it took a little getting used to but you know we seem to have found our way around we have new chairs I got my cup you know what are you doing with the extra space to eat in that where was the space that's here now where was that before when it wasn't near and the other one yeah Italy we we had it fluent in yeah yeah thanks yeah yeah yeah the space flowing we had the space flowing in from Italy we uh we got it brought in had it FedEx from Umbria really yeah have you ever been to Umbria oh yeah I love Umbria that's where you get the ums what do they charge for moving space it depends on how much you got to move around like you can get an envelope worth of space for next to nothing foreign but if you want a giant crater space it's gonna yeah they could just be lying to you though they could say you know I want to stamp and then you they say we gave you a football field of space how would you know who hurt you man when did you lose faith in in people like that no one's gonna do that I was adopted by my biological parents I can see how that would be yeah that would have an effect on it when they were young they had me and they didn't want me they were too young to have a child so they you know put me in the orphanage and stuff and then years later they decided to uh adopt a child and they didn't know and the people didn't know and then that's a coincidence Child by accident so my my uh adoptive parents my Navi have you been watching Downton Abbey oh I'm addicted to it are you really never heard of it I can't imagine it's for you really it's not uh no I've seen it I like I like the uh all right what do you what do you think uh Downton Abbey or Shark Week what's better down there what if you could come yeah with Shark Week like throwing rich people yeah a moat just throwing rich people into a load full of stuff say please I think people would enjoy this it'd be like so you think I could swim with sharks totally in slow motion like that thing you did before did I do a thing in slow motion yeah like right before I walked down here everything I knew I was doing slow motion I hope it was slow motion Rock did you see it in slow motion well I think so no I don't think I in any slow motion oh maybe it was the music threw me off [Music] oh that that that's not slow motion that's quiet time oh I'm sorry yeah like most of the time I'm not saying I'm trying to get quite you've been in Vegas this weekend it was hard to get quiet time in Vegas because it's so like all that [Music] keep doing it [Music] that noise drives me crazy in Vegas and then you know sometimes when you're going to the casino they're making noises like that too yeah I only noticed the lights I'm not into audio really I'm very visually oriented I haven't heard anything you've said since I've been out here slow motion nah that's why I was doing slow motion now I was going oh no like that but I thought well I better not add the audio because he wouldn't even care oh my God yeah we have to take a commercial break no no [Applause] [Music] [Applause] but probably but probably longer than that that's what they have on the clock oh is it back all right yeah yeah we're back yeah yeah okay I didn't notice well it doesn't change much the only reason you know that we're back and we're we're not it's not actually broadcasting is that you know the audience sit quietly and enjoy the commercials right right just like we did well I'm rushing out to get me some boner pills now I tell you that excuse me I can't remember yeah do you ever suffer from erectile dysfunction um we have to talk to my lawyer are you having sex with your lawyer I don't I don't know if that's what you'd call it but yeah yeah is that mine yeah that's yours yeah well you want two cups oh Mr Hollywood wants two cups of Beverage oh sorry Mister yeah like you know why I have this yeah yeah I don't know you know this is from Albuquerque is it really yeah yeah you haven't been there yeah I've been there twice any other time let's toast to the audience okay no [Applause] if it wasn't for the audience we'd be sitting here talking like a couple of completed idiots I don't think that's uh stopped that happening you know what I mean yeah I do we're out of time all right thank you your editor you're out of time no no every time in your life it's not like you're at a time that's what I I don't know I understand I was just clarifying it's great you've been here thank you favorite topics we covered everything that I wanted to talk about I can't say fairer than that [Applause] [Music] Acorn if you will he's at the Strand Capital Performing Arts Center in York Pennsylvania on November the 2nd the great Steven Wright [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign how are you you know I'm all right how are you I'm good yeah your Hat's on backwards you know that yeah okay my mirror was broke realities this is one right now yeah I think it is how are you and you I'm okay I'm all right I'm a scale of one to ten sixty in the highest six being the highest same around a three yeah yeah yeah it's three high for me are you high I have her I I'm not sure really are you taking are you taking something on your fingers I have a scaled one to ten a scale of one to ten I hover like .006 what's the matter man you depressed no I judge it by a different way I judge what do you mean you what do you judge me why are you looking at them don't look at them you'll scare them I just noticed that they were there yeah they don't know they're here it's an alternate reality they think they've gone to see Dr Oz and now I'd like you to look at my colon every other week [Laughter] ah yeah it's a long story have you had one oh yeah yeah absolutely yeah yeah that's it's it's a high point of 50 year old life yeah yeah did you enjoy it well and when I watched the tapes can I eat one of those chocolates please you want a chocolate yeah it's a chocolate dollar do you mind some of them have been fingered do you mind your children I don't want to no they're all right I changed my mind thank you anyway let me reach all over there no I I brought it over I'm like exhausted now like you're like you're a marionette like you were marrying it like oh yeah like little Drew Carey yeah when I was about seven my went to my grandfather's house and he had a marionette to my size and then we were going to go to a wedding and I had no suit to wear so he made me wear those marionette suit but but when he cut the strings off there were little pieces hanging off errands so I'm at the wedding and these old ladies would say he was over one side I was these old ladies go get me an orange go get me a gossip when I was doing it you know and then he called me over and he said just because you're wearing that marionette suit don't do what women tell you to do and that's stuck that stuck with you man well I mean that are you in therapy man I haven't been in years I was out in it a lot when I was nine after the uh puppet incident no it was unrelated but I realized that you I was going to turn 10 and most people die when they're in double digits so I was consumed by this yeah yeah a lot of fear well look I I uh I'll give you a bit of therapy right now here's my pipe yeah which makes me a licensed therapist all right you ready yeah why are you afraid of spiders tax purposes so it's a a mockery to fill the IRS when exactly the opposite is true you love spiders and enjoy their company yes yes doctor yes that's true you're agreeing with me a little too readily I feel you're manipulate me like I'm wearing a puppet suit a wedding thank you that's insane we don't use that word here that's funny yeah no I uh it's gone what go on I I was gonna go on yes what do you think is in my pipe the inside of the pipe exactly so clearly you can figure things out on your own and yet you insist on calling chat lines uh when you're drunk and yelling at senators yelling at what Senators you know and congressmen and people that are uh I don't call those people because I don't believe in those people I don't oh they exist they exist I know they exist but I don't think they should exist I think the world would be better off with no government I don't know what the solution is but you know that's not working I don't picking one side or the other the whole thing anyway I'm sorry I'm supposed to be saying something funny you know imagine a jigsaw puzzle was all white Paula Dean excuse me excuse me a second excuse me a second excuse me [Applause] sorry I just had to have a quiet word with the Audi don't mind them they're in an Ultimate Reality doctor yes doctor have you ever been in therapy yes I have thank you for asking is your therapist still alive well actually I had an imaginary therapist as a child very interesting how long did you think you saw this person I still think I see them very nice are they good like do you think it's worth is it helping it's not a word we use here can you make a list of the words that we don't use here because I don't want to keep list isn't a word we use it's hilarious [Laughter] oh my God yeah commercial break yes [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back I'm here with uh Steven Wright I'm sorry Stephen we're out of time fine it's fine not us as yeah our friendship remains as rock solid as ever foreign just uh like get up and leave no don't do that people think you're furious at me and they can tell by you look when you're angry man do you shout or just do the same thing I hire a guy to shout Steven you do that it looks like it's foggy yeah you ever do that and then go [Music] [Laughter] time to London I I like you sue where did you get that suit it's nice it's as nice as suit goes it's a nice suit like I like how the fans match the uh Jack and that's what makes it a shoot yeah if it was just some kind of random collection of pants and jacket I would be you know like you I never noticed that before what anything a suit has to match of course of course I know jeez do you see that thing over there nope that's my imaginary therapist Steve hey we're out of time you sure I can't interest you in a chocolate dollar yeah you don't want the one that fell out obviously I'll have one exactly the one I wanted they've been refrigerated to make them firm like my nipples I wish you the best I wish you all the best I wish you the best thank you very much nice to see you again all right and I enjoy trying to delay the commercials why fake openness hey yeah yeah oh there's a juggling but not my sleep yeah now what I'm getting a Sugar Rush from this thing that's amazing do you know Lakota Indians invented the chocolate candy bar did you know that yeah ride [Applause] Hey Stephen hey man it's very nice to see you it's very nice to see you too were you making some deliveries before you arrived you're a little bit you look a little bit delivery guy today uh you know I don't really think about money things I have to I have to tell you I like your Mustang it's coming in right it's coming in good yeah it's starting yeah how long have you been grown by year [Laughter] how long have you been growing uh 10 minutes you're a very hairy guy I mean I can tell that even though you're wearing a hat thank you no no thank you I want to tell you I'm sorry that you're uh listening to me no why are you leaving yeah sorry leaving the show I know you want to do other things but it's been a great thanks for having me on it's been great I never did improv before I mean all of this is made up maybe you don't know but everything is made up well yeah but to be fair no way we have one of the best comedy Minds fastest that I've ever seen in my life and I'm tearing and I thank you however [Music] if you think about it the way everything's made up you know I mean it's just like made up like it's not like Shakespeare's like real I mean he made it up he was like well I do not all right yeah he picks up you know he makes it up time is involved it's it's time when it's made up when it's made up that's the main thing well it's not one of the main thing it's one of the main things one of the main things saying to you that not only do you make it up you make it up now well would you agree I'm sorry I've never in 10 years I've never heard you speak this much so would you agree that now is different than before yeah yeah well because of iPhones uh and well back in the day back in the day Steven there was only these and now there are foods where you can take pictures of your junk and send them to each other you couldn't do that in the old days The Three Stooges weren't doing this I mean they might have been who's to know there's no images surviving what does that have to do with time because that was a while ago The Three Stooges was a while ago I think yes and they didn't make it up uh right there and there what I'm saying to you right now is really happening would you would you agree with that and what you are going to say to me which hasn't happened yet yes yes it's gonna be now but in a different now go ahead wow but now that I'm doing it it's now isn't it no yes but yes oh yeah yes when did we start this yeah I don't know when did you become the fist pump guy when I started delivering yeah well the delivery guys I guess the the other guys in the van link to uh do that foreign do you believe in God I believe that God thinks he's good and yeah and that thought is so powerful that it's influenced many people do you believe in God this is a comedy show well I I mean it's too big a question you'd have to Define what you're asking me do I believe in God man on a cloud who decides things and makes your favorite sports team win no absolutely not I do not believe in that do I believe that there may be a purpose beyond the weights and balances of the universe perhaps I'm open to the idea absolutely keep an open mind I always say and I always like to say it as kind of upper glass Downton Abbey voice I like to like do the most about God I like to turn into Mary Poppins let them do [Applause] yes [Music] unbelievable see I want to be able to do that you do that all the time well I would say yeah yeah well that's only because you probably have difficulty with the Mary Poppins voice I on the other hand I'm a natural but I'd be I'd have a hard time with that wait I love sentences I've never heard I just I love sentences and I've never heard before you just said that you would probably have difficulty with a Mary Poppins voice isn't that what you just said to me I did I didn't make it offend you I no I I'm highlighting it it's a great sentence has anyone ever heard that sentence before thank you thank you you guys are with him that's what it is I see did they all arrived with you they were all delivering with you today yeah have you got a pet not how you mean no I didn't have a pet I don't I don't have a pet I do I live inside I think having animals in the house is weird like the orphanage I grew up in we didn't we didn't have uh you grew up in an orphanage no no I I didn't I I just said that because trying to lie to you but live from Comedy is funny lies would you agree with that comedies because this is the last time I'm gonna be on the show so I want to say like five were appearances in one appearance anyway would you would you agree that uh comedy is is funny funny lies sure I'm enjoying this little bit here of my beard yeah yeah have you named your mustache yeah Rudy Rudy yeah it's after The Clash Zone Rudy can't fail have you named your beard no my man beard is an anonymous program [Laughter] did your beard used to have a problem yes it used to not be a beard and now it is so if you try hard so if you try hard kids you can change things and I hope but you do I hope that what you do after this is better no I hope it's as successful as this has been and I really hope that you know you're just an amazing comedian thank you [Applause] thank you [Applause] [Music] and that is the most seriousness I've ever said on television yeah I know I'm kind of freaked out can we take a commercial break yes for about an hour we'll be back in about an hour [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back everyone that was a short hour wasn't it the uh the uh this guy is uh delivering stuff all over time [Laughter] it's uh I'm yeah go ahead no you go ahead no you look like you were gonna say something but of course that's your signature move laughs did you ever meet Charles Dickens [Laughter] I didn't meet him yeah no but [Applause] [Music] do you like that you enjoyed Charles Dickens I love Charles Dickens really my favorite I met him once on page 250 of A Tale of Two Cities met him that one time then he left and no one ever believes me if I was you I'd be sitting there yes [Applause] so at Christmas do you give your employees the day off yes stop thinking employee is your mind my mind I'm a receptionist for my mind I'm just I'm a secretary all I am as a secretary are you ever sexually harass yourself hahaha yeah yeah so I'm going to court in January yeah we're out of time oh yeah well excellent well no out of time I mean time will continue this now this now the tournament uh there's another one coming there's another one coming you can Bank on it excellent fantastic I wish you the best I wish you the best thank you very much no thank you very much thank you in Spanish bonjour can you say it's enough it's close enough can you say thank you in Chinese Mandarin [Laughter] wasn't up I guess [Music] [Applause] I know what you're thinking hey why have they got the camera on lesbian rope so a Scotsman an Indian and a Jew I think that would work actually one of our two Scotsman came walking out of a bar now could happen [Applause] here's the thing should I be offended by that people get very offended all right now you got a brain surgeon City should I then doctor be offended yeah absolutely not you get offended by Indian jokes uh yes what do you hear Indian jokes not around here I tell you that for another well we're done now Larry you want to who's on tomorrow night I'll tell you they leave it oh it's a good oh actually wow there's a movie it's Matthew McConaughey tomorrow night oh that's great is great he is actually good you know which then we got a full week of guests look everybody remember this CBS scares am I right fellas

Channel: The Jayleno Fly

Views: 1,821,194

Keywords: クレイグと女の子の女性, クレイグ・ファーガソン, ロボットをゲオフ, craig ferguson, craig ferguson and the ladies, flirting masterclass, funny late night, best talkshow, funny talkshow, talkshow compilation, talkshow moments, flirt talkshow, geoff the robot, the jayleno fly, funny moments, steven wright, steven wright comedy, steven wright funny, steven wright craig ferguson, steven wright stand up, comedy special, steven right special, funny

Id: aNQPQs491Ak

Length: 145min 0sec (8700 seconds)

Published: Thu May 11 2017