r/Tinder | i'm an investment ;)

is daddy gonna spank me whoops raagh if unless whats up guys and welcome back to NK my name is Damian and today we're looking through our slash tender you match with Julia on 8 1419 a sports it's in the game and that's a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one you know a relationship is a lot like EA games it starts out just great until the microtransactions come in yeah all right money joke okay funny yeah chase is 21 what's your name who's your daddy is he rich like me are you really rich if you're asking if I have above five dollars in my bank account then the answer is yes stop me when I say a number two hi $10 yeah I'd stop there he's not a tongue ring I see one of your picks yes it is law nice I've never dated a girl with one before I was pretty drunk when I got it done ha ha ha ha do you do a lot of crazy stuff when you're drunk very much yes lol Oh what kind of stuff I got kids my man is six-foot to a plastic surgeon makes great wine and you know what when life hands you lemons he'll make the melons and really what else do you need to man how'd you know I was a painter think it's pretty obvious just take a name and a jacket a list of all the numbers of years old Sara's in the area region think cross-reference newspaper birth records to make a list of potential parents and spent 13 straight hours contacting them about their daughter's favorite hobbies then I reverse search key picks and ran them through a web-based facial recognition program they narrowed down the potential Sara's you might be according to open source online school yearbooks then to make sure I had the right Sara I noticed an enhanced will partial serial number on your phone and one of your picks so I then impersonated you on a fishing call to Apple support and while they had me on the line I noticed in your tinder profile buy you had your employment listed as artists a teacher at paint nite so yeah I guess you could say I did some work what's the difference between you and an alarm clock well when you smash the alarm clock in the morning at stops making noise but if you smash me I keep making noise you know exactly what I was thinking about Charlene so how many guys trying to open with a pun involving your name in the Amazon device surprisingly few but I'm open to the attempt oh boy you're asking for it hey Alexa what's my schedule looked like for a Saturday night you have a recurring weekly event on Saturdays titled drinking alone Alexa find me the nearest burn unit yes I have a daughter huh that's cool what's like having a mini you it's pretty awesome have you taught her any cool tricks WTF she's not a dog well how old is she three no it's not too late show me a better date I'll wait and look at that they're having dinner and then that squirrel is choking the daylights out of each other you know why they call me Bill Gates nope I love doing charity ah good one oh wait her name was charity round of applause from me I was about to skip to the next post I didn't get it but wowie hell yeah birth control effectiveness 99% for condoms 99% for birth control pills but a hundred percent for my tinder profile and that's why I'm the best contraceptive ladies and gentlemen want to stay safe talk to me Catherine lab won't I sending nudes let me remind you of a little movie called Titanic a girl in 1912 has her naked body drawn in a sketch book by Iran to do that no one has ever heard of LOX withdrawing in a safe in a boat and that boat sinks and somehow 84 years later the nude still ends up on television no one is safe what would it be like to date me ever ordered ten nuggets and gotten eleven okay okay a valid point about the nudes but think about this as you said eighty-four years later the movie Titanic was made it pulled an amazing two-point 187 billion dollars in the box office and won 11 Oscars and was the real birth of the great actor Leonardo DiCaprio a movie like that is remembered not for the nudes but the love story that these nudes helped blossom into the romance of the century and beed by many not only could these nudes be the start of your own great romance but think about the royalties your own film could bring in another 84 years yes yes I hear you but I won't be around for the royalties in 84 years but Catherine your children will reap the benefits for years so Catherine don't do it for me don't do it for you but do it for our children this is far and away the best opener I have ever heard my 23 years on this planet I write it to my mom not even kidding and she briefly discussed with me the idea of sending you a nude purely for the comedic value of this message you've just clocked tinder well done sir and the thought of setting our chilled nut from life now that's definitely tempting he just earned a Purple Heart let's man Chanel is 21 she's a photographer and she lives in Leicester you hear that Lester I read all your comments making fun of how I said it she lives in Leicester I've been told my mom's a MILF so I'm an investment nice Kayla don't even bother flipping a coin cuz your chances of getting head are already at a hundred percent tinder girls bio not here for hookups tinder girls in the first date I've I've come for your pickle and that's that's my reaction sponge levels reaction is mine but then it turns into Squidward's Cory is 18 years old he's a diesel mechanic and Union operating engineer six foot one when I go out I only drink whiskey straight meme game strong in the near depression medication I have sailed around the world and discovered a shortcut i ball overhand I once had an awkward moment to see how it feels I gave my father the talk I have won the Lifetime Achievement Award twice to settle a wager I killed two stones with one bird I go to Spain to chase the Bulls I am Tott old dogs a variety of new tricks and even my treehouses have fully finished basements so I guess you could say I'm a cool guy sorry I got really into that one why are you so freaking cute but so freakin fat oh my god far I meant far good job Mike you're an idiot damn girl you look like a fun night out I have a dumb a holy Frick so the wire let's let's let's dock let's dock him sweetie hit me with your best pick-up line first day on bumble Melinda stolen clear how the whole message first thing works but I did message first by making me do the picking up nah fam yes woo me and it better to be both playful a little risque fine are you the SAT because you want your parents to cry when they finally see me not quite blank cuz I do you for a four and a half hours with a ten minute break for the snacks in the middle I'm docking you for originality but I'll allow it because you're cute are you a farmer because I'm a tractor to you are you a tractor because your pickup line wheelie sucked are you the hit 2008 movie Marley and Me cuz you're gonna bake me free could cry yes is 21 baht check say avocado free Shabak adieu she's real as it gets buddy hey Aspen you have beautiful eyes but I'm not looking for something very serious I'm looking for more of a friend that I can have really hard fun sex with after we become friends get to know each other I don't know if you open-minded for that brah my name's Emily you got called out bro Tyler's 26 just looking for a girl to hit it off super well with delete 10 to get into a relationship fall in love and tell me that you're not over your ex no you just want to be friends Stephanie oh well I didn't forget that Stephanie me look at another blurry pics of people who liked me and trying to decide if it's worth at the upgrade to gold the struggle Pugh with a struggle oh thank you your piano skills are very wooing thanks just go what the fingers I guess well that's one way to put it tell me what you're good at I mean I play with basketball so I'm very familiar with balls I play baseball I know I said the biggest bad on the team then she sent seniorita by Shawn Mendes back on top I could go hey what should we do for this I'd hang out soon and she goes maybe some missionary work oh that's spicy I love that hey there dude with an interesting mustache which actually looks intriguing and good if they ask me you're the one who looks intriguingly good I dig the nose ring oh thank you what's the secret to that moustache which doesn't look like pubes for once crap the secret is actually pubes and glue he's been found out Kaylee's 26 and lives in Fontana you might not be able to smack my butt when I go through the door but so get VIP parking oh definitely won't go hiking with you also will not walk out on your life and she's loyal we like that in a girl hey can I be honest with you yeah what's up I want to wear your thighs like earmuffs till you finish so hard you waterboard me I'm gonna have to unmask you and I hope you understand I understand he had a simple request I'm new to both being an amputee into being on tinder trying to make some jokes about it how'd I do should I change some I traded my right leg for the person of my dreams just waiting from the show up I'm an amputee so if we were to go out you definitely have a leg up on the competition many people took one look at me and assume I'm an IHOP guy when really I just like to eat out I'm an overachiever but my dad told me to break a leg I said up to exceed his expectations oh oh baby we gotta keep coming just looking for that one person that I send me this is a good I like this one just looking for that one person then they'll send me head over heels in love I'd keep going with these but right now I'm a bit stumped God head over he'll I normally start with a joke that's when I got there's a knock knock that only works when you start alright knock knock who's there Anita Anita who I need a dong inside me sorry Zoey I'm waiting till marriage your ancestors who were married and had three kids by the time they were 20 watching you struggling to walk past a girl and they're like kill screw marry me Boris Johnson Brad Pitt kill BJ screw B P marry you health FA Oh Brad Pitt sucks no no you screw boys Johnson take pictures and then blackmail him for money and political power you marry Brad Pitt and instantly make millions more and then kill me because I want to die that's how you do it I don't normally let guys with the name Kyle so I really hope you're different he's like yeah hey how's it going hi I'm good and sixteen oh no just let you know how are you my disappointment is immeasurable in my day is ruined how's it going Lilly or shall I say why Kenzie's nineteen cons stubborn and sarcastic pros loving and sarcastic love getting tattoos hate getting piercings I will challenge to smoke you out and I will miserably fail tbh not looking to just hook up yes I'm in a wheelchair yes we can skip lines at theme parks yes we can park close yes I could feel my legs and sure I can give you a ride Oh Kenzi oh hey hey blank so you love animals too unfortunately my dogs in Florida so you can't see him when we meet up I have eight pets oh cool what are the three dogs five cats you should get a lizard no thank you are you sure with your dry conversation he'll feel right at home hey swallow a pretty upfront person since I've been through a lot of crappy relationships lol anyway do you believe in Jesus are you willing to wait for marriage do you have a car and a job if we make it this far are you willing to pick me up and pay on the date I'd quit using that as your opener to be honest instead try hi I have red flags and date me lol or save me a lot of time reading that sentence hey I think you're really cute by the way I know this is way too forward but my ex-boyfriend was 8 inches and thick and hurts so bad I ended up in the hospital with stitches my first two however were like 4 to 5 inches so I don't date men who are bigger than 6 inches if I'm being honest with you I hope that's not a problem cuz I know you can't help how big it grows no I'm not don't worry my dong small as hell gentlemen gentlemen what'd I tell you all these years it's not about the size of this ship it's about the motion of the ocean baby we are 512 miles away so if we met in the middle that would be two thousand two hundred and fifty six mile drives log 2 times 256 equals 8 which makes sense because I would hate to not give my log deal I'm going to kill you yeah but it was a good opener hey good-looking you're getting more likes than ever oh really what do we got zero likes right zero likes okay this year in August you match with penny you should change your name from penny to dime cuz you're a 10 and a 10 that's cute that's a cute one wait are we number neighbors are we let me check what's your number Oh smooth that's the best thing I've gotten done here here's your prize and it's her number he's done it he's won hi hey blank how are you doing good how are you just a little overburdened with works or if I'm taking long to reply can I make it up to you with a cheesy pick-up line yes I'm gonna report this to Spotify cuz it didn't show you on the hottest singles this week oh I'm not single I'm here to cheat on my boyfriend wait you're what kindly choose from the following a cheesy pick-up 1b bad pickup line see interesting fact D recipe C interesting fact you've got my attention there did you know male Penguins look for smoothest of pebbles to present to a potential mate to express their love somewhat like a proposal and did you also know that I have an awesome collection of pebbles who allowed you to collate interesting facts with cheesy pick-up line I know if you get the rules and I'll get in trouble for this but what better way to approach a lawyer go but there get into trouble and have it get you off Hey step me if you can private snapchat ah well then I was looking for genuine conversation it's ok G you'll find the right girl for you don't let my house will get you down she's out there trust me this was the most wholesome interaction I've ever had on bumble well it's the truth I know let's riff on here finding real people that just want to get to know you sadly I'm not one of those people but I don't want you to think every girl on here is like this and that's really cute and wholesome one way to end our / tinder if you liked the video leave a like down below and subscribe for more content from Mk and as always I'll be seeing you was really cute [Music]

Channel: EmKay

Views: 3,517,253

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, r/tinder, r/tinder best posts, r/tinder top posts, tinder, tinder best posts, reddit tinder, bumble, tinder top posts, reddit funny, r/tinder emkay, tinder emkay, emkay

Id: PIwrj1LejwM

Length: 14min 5sec (845 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 31 2019