r/Facepalm | no crime please

why do the woman never have to take a dna test to see if it's the child i have no hope for humans anymore neither do i brother neither do i [Music] what's up guys and welcome back to mk my name is damian and today we're looking through our slash face pump are you still selling the 30 inch tv no sorry i sold it a few days ago how about 200 i already sold it sorry 250 i literally do not have it then don't waste my time dude he told you in the first sentence that he sold it 50 more than our 12 ounce ooh some spicy brown mustard 12 ounces 50 more 18 wait wait how is yeah that's a good question how is 18 ounces 50 more than 12 ounces that's only like six ounces more attention the all-day breakfast is served till 11 30 a.m how dare you lie to me what if it's 4 p.m and i want waffles you're telling me i can't all day breakfast one of these days hi there thanks for responding i got her name from the profile search here on this xbox app because i was bored and looking for new people to talk to how old are you ah just give me the virus link it's effin invite dot com how to avoid triggers during 4th of july fireworks if you suffer from ptsd oh my god i am so sick of these liberals getting triggered what is so offensive dog ptsd she said it doesn't charge no joke that's how it come into the oh i see i see she's stupid she's an idiot she's a dunce brags when he stands for the anthem yet he sits on the flag oh wait just a minute bud i stand for the national anthem oh what's this a flag hey this is the bartender from brassaurus whoever owns this phone left it in the bar and i picked it up can you tell him or her to come get their phone we close at 3am okay we'll do thanks i'm gonna tell her right now okay yo mary go get your phone it's a brass horse bar are you are you stupid tell me is all you got your whole brain up there i literally just used mary's phone to tell you that mary lost her phone and you text her phone to tell her that her phone's lost are you dumb are you simple did you go to school letting my teenage daughter shoot the ar for the first time today teach em young and teach em right couple finds 20 to 30 bullet holes in home hey yeah you didn't think that one through did you the california supreme court decided a case that could add billions in labor costs to employers bottom line by requiring them to pay employees for work time that previously went uncompensated you have to pay employees for work being framed as adding billions to labor costs is the most america thing ever you know we say in america compensation more like you affected my bottom dollar american kids want to be youtubers and the chinese kids want to be astronauts that's because youtube's blocked in china what is going on my website it looks all wrong it was working just fine yesterday let's take a look let's take a look we download a page and check out the cut well looks like someone's gone and deleted some of the code that makes the site work yeah that was me i was getting rid of some of your unnecessary code why isn't the site working i mean i just took out the whole chunk that ranked the site run what's tell me why isn't it working i will not be forced to learn a foreign language to accommodate illegals in my country confused who's forcing him to learn any languages it's amazing how many white americans are so triggered by literally just having to hear languages they don't know he also spelled the legals wrong that patch makes you look stupid even stupider than you already are my guy i wish i was multilingual that'd be dope like imagine you go imagine if you knew every language my dude you'd be a suave charming guy no crime from 8 a.m to 6 p.m 7 p.m go ahead murder a couple people rob a bank but until then no crime maybe you want to steal candy from a baby i mean that's fine if it's at 7am but once 8am rolls around you better be uh on your best behavior bud try to hang a curtain over my front door but didn't realize what i did until i stepped back good going stupid nice job did not occur to you clearly not that this curtain rod is awfully off angle with the door you fool yo i seriously need to stop freaking smoking why lmao because i just drove to the store high as hell and walk home because i forgot i drove day five of pretending to be a dolphin trainer on tinder so far nobody has questioned how i train a saltwater mammal in missouri 200 iq what's the dumbest thing you've ever heard i drive for uber on the weekends and one time a girl who was in her late 20s told me that i was making her uncomfortable i haven't said a word the whole trip so i asked how i could make the situation better she said she didn't like how i kept quote playing with the fidget stick in the middle of my car i drive a manual she then told me that i didn't need to use that because quote her car didn't have that and claimed to be a mechanic i then kicked her out of my car go home you drunk bruh where are you i left early sorry i couldn't stay longer wtf where are you going i'm going home are you kidding me come back you're drunk don't worry i called newber we drank at your place oh where am i going elk city is a bird sanctuary kfc yeah that's a yummy sanctuary everyone's making these jokes about their jobs but i actually have a good job that would sound good when described i started my own company when i graduated from oxford and it's going pretty well to be honest 45 employees including my girlfriend i had to give her a job but she's not really bright so i gave her minimum salary down voting for what jealousy come on reddit you're better than this nah you get downvoted dog ew i start this job tomorrow i got fired over twitter maybe you shouldn't have tweeted about your job idiot prom 1994 in 2019 like father like son this is so fake pools were a thing in 94 that has to be the dumbest thing you've ever said i i would almost admire your stupidity if it didn't make me feel stupider for having heard it is it cold out there will i be freezing my butt off lol no it's really nice ah would you like to visit again though around southeast alaska it barely ever gets below freezing celsius or fahrenheit lol both dude freezing is freezing we have signed g isaiah williams source us we are the baltimore ravens official account we signed him praise the lord church leader mauled by lion after trying to prove god would intervene nah dog he wanted you to learn a guy says he was questioned on a plane for doing math during a flight a woman sitting next to the ivy league economist told flight crew she had security concerns about the man after seeing him write in a foreign script it turned out to be a differential equation yeah yeah about them differential equations idiot at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with lol this isn't a pharmacy bro that's a perscription we're both stupid did you know in 1997 14 year old nathan zoner got 43 out of 59th graders to vote in favor of banning dihydrogen monoxide also known as water the hoax was a science fair project which he titled how gullible are we he not only won the science fair but also inspired the term zonerism defined as the use of a fact to lead a scientifically ignorant public to a false conclusion that's dope that's solid my man's playing mind games giant hornets kill 42 people in china then we should have the hong kong wait a minute that's south america that's not hong kong there's no i in happiness there is this you freaking spell it right idiot this really is the ultimate are you kidding me image did you get him a confederate dream cat what the hell man my mother-in-law keeps complaining that her kindle wouldn't charge uh idiot idiot idiot idiot that's adorable all right what's going on here kiss up not even close her clock is upside down i can't read roman numerals without to take your word on that buddy lebron james jr won't wear his dad's number because he quote doesn't want people to know who he is coming in number four lebron james jr hey yo bruh who that guy is l-m-a-o did i tell y'all about the white dude at my school who apparently learned japanese for the girl he liked but the girl he liked was chinese you win some you lose some dude he he took time to learn a language though and that's what's important aquaman drowns in endgame repeated like 900 times i hate you i wanted to watch the movie it's a joke it's not true oh my god i'm dying it's aquaman he can't drown also he isn't a marvel oh my god i'm an idiot without you 60 minutes feels like one hour oh i love you don't tell her imagine falling in love with someone just to find out they watch netflix with subtitles i'm convinced people who don't like subtitles can't read fast yesterday i went undercover at kent state to ask students what they think about blank the kent state gun girl surprisingly no one recognized me until i took the glasses off you're not undercover if no one knows who you are in the first place got him everybody deserves to be treated equally it doesn't matter if you're black or yellow or brown or normal hey wait a minute what about that last one the term obese is a slur violent dehumanizing it's anti-black it's actually none of those things what is wrong with you it's just a medical term you idiot i don't like being called obese it hurts my feelings shut up this piece is called old people using the wrong crying emoji how about your mom thank you for the prayers my mom leaving us from this world soon laughing till i'm crying emoji i'm so sorry about that she passed away at 6 00 am today [Laughter] blank there's something i don't understand how i eat this and what the quantity of a teaspoon as it is not liquid maybe i should mix with water or something remove the cotton there are pills under it yesterday i ate the cotton you what oh pulling up in the whip up no no no no no oh no pakistani official posts video of airplane colliding with tanker turns out it was from gta 5. narrow escape of an aircraft which could have ended in a great disaster miraculous saved by the pilot's presence of mind you idiot my point was that the plague disappeared without a vaccine yeah because people dyed you uneducated potato private prison threatens to close unless state or federal officials fill up 300 more beds in any sane country having to shut down a prison due to lack of criminals would be a success but supply creates its own demand again r slash whoosh very cool you use reddit i actually don't it's a term used on instagram meme accounts regularly but anyway you're boring so i'm just going to ignore you now you're not just wrong you're stupid remember hello it's jon and i the remba boys have you remembered today repeat after me retinol one more time retinol free rectal photography with every eye test oh boy oh boy russian president vladimir putin calls trans people transformers people are ferocious cat star francesca hayward has white fur ivanka trump mocked for giving all white dog to her daughter guys i can't believe i need to say this but animals with white fur are not the white people of animals they're just animals i can't believe that dog got white fur he's a supremacist happy second birthday not suitable for children under three years of age my son sam drew this for me today i love him so much he is my annie vaxx boy law you let the shutterstock image on it no he he wrote that please don't get on here spoiling the lion king before we get to see it at least wait until after the weekend is over how do you spoil a movie that's been out since 94. dude what is your street name lil marco you live on a street called lo marco oh you met my address a tree holding up the sun that's a weird looking sun dog walton forest council worker slapped stuart gosling with a 300 pound fine in northeast london for keeping snack wrappers in his van because he doesn't have a license to carry waste that that's so nutty are you kidding me expectations oh get it bro some burpees get him yeah reality all right girls get the burpees oh the tag team do you operation acoustic kitty cia spent 15 million dollars on this project the cat was meant to walk up to soviets and spy on them first field experiment ended immediately when the cat got hit by a taxi and died microphone inside ear canal antenna wire long spine transmitter and power smh not a good look not a good move in the 1980s a w tried to compete with mcdonald's quarter pounder by selling a third pound burger at a lower cost the product failed because more customers thought one in the quarter pound was bigger it's all in the numbers game bro grill at restaurant are you tony hawk me yes her why i had no idea how to answer i don't know if she's looking for an apology or an explanation but now she knows that you are indeed tony hawk there are two types of people in this world those who can extrapolate for incomplete data so two of my classmates just asked a professor if his shirt is missing a second part i don't get it i don't get the joke was being responsible and didn't drive home after happy hour last night came back to pick up my car and into a freaking farmer's market they set up around your car unpopular opinion white people love dogs so much because deep down they miss owning slaves they love the owner and master dynamic desperate for something to control is my man in the olympics because he could get in hurdles for how much he jumps to conclusions i love it it doesn't work that way [Laughter] you gotta applaud them for trying my sister 11 thinks that world war ii happened in 2003. not as bad as the girl in my ninth grade history class that thought england shared a northern border with the united states and that korea was the capital of japan how are you that dumb but that brings us to the end of our slash facepalm and if you liked the video leave a like down below and subscribe for more content from mk and as always i'll be seeing you [Music] you

Channel: EmKay

Views: 3,176,555

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, r/facepalm, r/facepalm reddit, r/facepalm top posts, r/facepalm best posts, r/face palm, facepalm, face palm, reddit r/facepalm, reddit funny, r/facepalm emkay, emkay

Id: 7crnahj9ohk

Length: 15min 8sec (908 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 04 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/rob_eau]

no

[u/memeinators]

or did they copy each other