r/TIFU "That Was The WORST Mistake Of My Life! - Funny Reddit Posts

welcome to our slash today I effed up where people make terrible mistakes and post them on the internet so we can laugh at them earlier this year ancestry DNA had a sale on their kit I thought it would be a great gift idea so I bought six of them for Christmas presents today my family got together to exchange presents for our Christmas Eve tradition and I gave my mom dad brother and two sisters each a kid as soon as everyone opened their gift at the same time my mom started freaking out she told us how she didn't want us taking them because they had unsafe chemicals we explained to her how there were actually no chemicals but we could tell she was still flustered later she started trying to convince us that only one of us kids need to take it since we will all have the same results and to resale extra kids to save money fast forward our parents have been upstairs fighting for the past hour and we are downstairs trying to figure out who has a different dad update thank you so much for all the love and support my sister's brother and I have not yet decided if we are going to take the test no matter what the results are we will still love each other and our parents no matter what's update number two Christmas isn't ruined my screw-up actually turned into a Christmas miracle turns out my sister's father passed away shortly after she was born a good friend of my mom's was able to help her through the darkest time in her life and they went on to fall in love and create the rest of our family they've never told us because of how hard it was for my mom last night she was strong enough to share stories and photos with us for the first time and it truly brought us even closer together as a family this is a Christmas we will never forget and yes we are all excited to get our test results Merry Christmas everyone PS sorry my mom isn't the [ __ ] no you're not my daddy I'm with everyone else I thought I thought the mom was sneaking out this is such a happier ending I'm so glad recently I travelled to Denver Colorado with my wife and my wife's parents as a resident of a non legalized date and as someone who is too much of a wussy to regularly buy illegal drugs the thing I was looking forward to most was the chance to buy fancy League we'd what could possibly go wrong so the first thing I do upon arriving and after successfully dishing the inlaws is drag my wife to a nearby dispensary for shopping spree and oh my god it was just like in my dreams tons of different options in neat little sample jars and a team of helpful stoners walking me through the various strains are you looking for a mellow body high or do you want something that gives you a bit more pep and energy or are you just hoping for something light to take the stress off yes yes and yes I reply eagerly like a fat kid in the candy store and request an eighth ounce of about seven different options in hindsight if I learned anything from this experience it is that my math and science teachers never taught me basic information like what is an ounce or how much we can a person consume in a single weekend sure I can tell you when two speeding trains leave separate stations will collide and recite Avogadro's number but it turns out that none of that information is particularly relevant to getting high in a responsible and efficient manner and it was at this dispensary that I also learned that you can't actually smoke in public places including the hotel that my wife and I were staying at as a result before leaving I begged my wife to buy some edibles that I could munch on until we found a place to properly get lit after expressing shock as to the absurd volume of drugs that we were buying unlike me she is the product of private school and understands the imperial measurement system she relents and we walk out of the store with what felt like a dumptruck of weed plus a small package of seemingly innocuous gingersnap cookies when we finally get back to the hotel room I'd tear those bad boys open only to find about a dozen tiny cookies roughly the size of a quarter what the F Denver seeing the skepticism and hunger in my eyes my wife warns me that I should go easy and look at the back of the package first before trying one dose sized half a cookie I read silently as I start taking micro bites from the edges like a giant chinchilla gnawing on a sunflower seed but what kind of but what kind of savage only eats half a cookie so a second later Ike over we pop the remainder into my mouth and then I quickly stuff another two cookies in my mouth for good measure the moment my wife turns her back we may not have legal weed back home but I routinely devour an entire package of Milano's in one sitting without breaking a sweat you remove tiny ginger snaps about 30 minutes later oh man I can already tell this story is gonna be good about 30 minutes later we are in the backseat of her parents rental car on the way to dinner and that's when things start to go tits up my stomach growls loudly and angrily my wife looks at me with inquisitive eyes that seemed to say diarrhea but I merely clutch my tummy and mumble something about altitude sickness you didn't eat the whole cookie did you she asks ten percent in genuine concern and 90% in seething irritation of course not I respond avoiding eye contact for the remainder of the car ride a few minutes later we are climbing out of her parents rental car and hitting into some trendy farm-to-table restaurant I don't run I don't remember how I made it to my seat and I don't remember ever looking at the menu but I do remember the concerned look on the waiters face as he asked me if I was doing all right keep it together man I say to myself but my wife's sudden groan suggests that I may have also said to the waiter things are going downhill fast the waiter nod sympathetically takes art work takes our orders and then heads to the next table the moment he walks away my wife is staring daggers at me I start the war I start to worry that the jig is up you are sweating from your entire face she says with both pity and disgust not quite knowing what to do I I reach for my napkin and proceeded to blot my cheeks nose neck chin and forehead at this point my wife's mom looks over at me with some concern are you all right she asked kindly yeah the food's just a bit spicy I reply far too quick to realize we had literally just ordered and there's nothing on the table except for a basket of dinner rolls my my wife kicks me under the table to grab my attention bathroom now she hisses get it together i reflectively get up from the table and head for the toilet after splashing several handfuls of water on my face I approach a urinal and start to pee now one of the more disconcerting effects of those tiny gingersnap monsters is the feeling that time has become untethered from reality as I am peeing I start to get the very unsettling feeling that I have been taking a piss for the better part of an hour and that life and that my wife must be pacing around the restaurant worried about me but deep down I know that is absurd I've been peeing all my life sometimes multiple times a day I've probably taken more than fifty thousand leaks and it usually only takes about a minute at most so given that my typical pee is no more than 60 seconds and giving that it feels like I'm about halfway done that maybe that means that I've probably only been standing here for about 30 seconds right but the guy at the urinal next to me doesn't respond and instead start shuffling away from me midstream like a startled penguin I try I'll be it unsuccessfully to break eye contact after finally finishing I again splash some water on my face and return to my seat making sure to apologize to the table for being gone such a long time just just in case my math was off next I tried briefly to engage just to engage in small talk with my wife's father but I am far too high done to understand what either of us are saying not wanting to start laughing uncontrollably at the wrong moment or really at any moment I figured the safest idea is to nod my head periodically and drink a ton of water nothing cures mental fatigue like water right to my to my wife's horror I stand up grab my water glass and Trust it out to the waiter who unfortunately is on the opposite on the opposite side of the restaurant but he turns out to be really cool and after making his way over to our table tells me that he'll do his best to keep me stocked with ice water for the rest of the meal he also helpfully suggest that if the dinner rolls aren't too spicy for me I should probably eat one or two so that I'm not sitting there on an empty stomach smart man however after going through all of the braids on the table and three glasses of water I start to get worried that I don't eat actual food to offset the growing paranoia from those tiny ginger snap Devils do you think I should flag down the waiter again and ask what's taking so long I suggest helpfully to my wife who what we literally just ordered three 350 minutes ago and at that exchange my wife loses her cool how many cookies did you eat she demands wow they're easy Torquemada I respond somewhat horrified at her outburst I had a few cookies but keep it down I don't want your parents to know how effed up I am right now really they are sitting two feet away from you they know I look up and for the first time noticed both of my in-laws just staring at me for what literally felt like an eternity that was a pretty good story but it didn't go where I was hoping it would go I was really hoping that he was gonna accidentally leave the cookies around and the in-laws are cooking and the in-laws are gonna get into him oh that would have been a delight to read so there's this girl I like at work and we're really good friends we're having lunch and we're making those ironic depression meme jokes as most friends do for some reason I in my unknowingly stupid way to get her laugh got the idea to say well hey you know it's just one letter away from sad dabbe and promptly did the deed also I have the ability to cry on demand so I just stared stone-cold at her and let two tears fall down she finds it funny extremely funny so funny she dropped to the floor and start slapping her butt off after a good 30 seconds she starts grabbing her chest and coughing I asked if she was okay when she starts wheezing and begins to convulse a bit freaking the F out and thinking she's having a dang seizure I start to reach for my phone and in that exact second my manager randomly decides to come in and he's this big guy over this poor little girl on the floor I only managed to cut off her impending rage by saying I think she's having a seizure and I'm calling 911 able to explain to her what happened after the ambulance came turns out she has asthma and my joke caused a flare up and was waving her arms to try to tell me to get her inhaler whoops if that girl had actually died from her asthma attack then Opie might have actually gone to jail for involuntary dabbe slaughter I went to work today and turned my phone off as usual I had almost 30 missed texts and calls from my pregnant wife when I turned it on most of them were asking how I could do this I had no clue what she was talking about she didn't answer any of my calls back I got home and she was packing up to leave I'll admit it I cried a lot had no clue what was happening or what I did finally it comes out that I texted her that I wanted a divorce she showed me the text and I immediately realized what happened this morning a free-standing mirror for our bedroom was delivered I texted her the new mirror came in I'm going to try and put it together but I may need your help later I had trouble putting it together and eventually gave up I texted her this isn't working and at this point I think I need to just give up apparently the first text didn't go through just a second one so my pregnant wife panicked for a few hours while I was off thinking everything was great she even called a divorce lawyer things are fine now but she's still crying off and on she told me we can laugh about it tomorrow just think about how differently the story could have ended you think you can dump your pregnant wife well right after you dumped me I slept with your brother so ha so this happened about eight years ago in the sixth grade now if you remember sixth grade you know that trends fly in and out of style every other week and just before Silly Bandz took over as chief tween pimp currency the big thing at my school was a trend we dubbed Locker artillery basically we gathered all the supplies we could from anywhere in the classrooms and created small projectile weapons from what we scavenged we could use these weapons to lob erasers spit balls and paper Hornets at ourselves and unsuspecting teachers eventually things got and it became a great wide arms race to create the ultimate launching machine heists were performed on teachers desks books were destroyed and scrapped for ammunition students presented welts from paper hornets with the same pride one would display a hickey from a cheerleader rubber bands were contraband it was full-on Mad Max Magic School Bus adventure here's where the eff up started one night I was sitting on my bed tinkering with various supplies when it finally hit me the secret is not the launcher but the ammo spitballs were too light Hornets were too restricting and erasers were inaccurate I needed something aerodynamic so my sociopath 11 year old brain decided that the inkwell of a pen would do nicely I'll cover the tip with an eraser what could go wrong I thought to myself let me tell you the next day I created the ultimate cannon utilizing no less than seven rubber bands a pin barrel two springs and a binder clip for a trigger with the inkwell loaded I felt like a small sexually frustrated MacGyver with intent to kill on my bus my friend let's call him neo was extremely interested in my device and asked for a demonstration I obliged and fit the eraser to the end of the ammo neo opened the bus window and told me to aim outside the window and hit the school wall we were so parked at the school at this time I aimed pulled back and fired all I saw was the eraser flying off the inkwell before I heard an extremely sudden crack I had looked forward and there was a hole in the double pane window of the bus only an inch or two from Neos head my parents had to pay for the window Neos parents didn't let me over to his house until senior year the principal cracked down on Locker artillery and suspended anyone including myself for three days who dare use a pin for anything other than writing but I still won that arms race it all makes sense now we know where Neil learned how to dodge bullets that was our slash today I act up and our lives are filled with so many mistakes so please avoid making a terrible mistake by closing this video without subscribing 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Channel: rSlash

Views: 731,430

Rating: 4.9372292 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: -cQJvNxm1mc

Length: 15min 37sec (937 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 15 2019