r/Tifu By Using a Nose Hair Trimmer on my Butt!

welcome to our slash today I effed up where Opie discovers the horrors of butthole hair trimming today I effed up by falling for a five-year-old April Fool's joke this just happened to me ten minutes ago so I was making instant ramen as college students tend to do and then I thought to myself business has been good lately I can afford to treat myself so I figured I would indulge by adding the most precious of treats to my broth a hard-boiled egg so I looked up on the internet a few good hard boil an egg in the microwave and as luck would have it I found a very easy to follow article with instructions on how to do it I was filled with the Glee so popping the egg and some watering in the microwave I put the timer to eight minutes following the instructions to a tea after three minutes of me salivating for the fruit of my labor a loud bang ravaged me from my thoughts indeed the egg had exploded filling my whole microwave with bloody egg gore dumbstruck I checked the article for the source of my mistake and that's when I noticed the article is from April 1st 2014 well played Internet food journal I'm gonna clean the microwave now so opie what you're telling us is that your meal was very exciting today I have to buy almost committing a war crime obligatory not today this was about ten years ago I started doing stand-up when I was in the Army in Afghanistan actually I started telling stories around the fire at night but eventually started doing shows in the chow hall ordering talent shows if we run a bigger base at the time it wasn't uncommon for me to do so badly that I lost people during these shows I even had a platoon opted to go on patrol early rather than watch my whole set I was less fun than possibly dying I wanted to get better so I ordered a book and started working on trying to improve crowd work talking to the audience and being more physical I figured if I could make the interpreters laugh with the language barrier I'd be on my way to becoming a better comic during our next patrol we detained several suspected Taliban fighters we needed to keep them on our base until they could get picked up by the Intel people so we needed to watch them for two days I thought the idea of a literal captive audience was too good to pass up basically tried to do crowd work and run bits by them in an incredibly animated manner imagine Sebastian Maniscalco but two months into comedy I volunteered for as many guard duty ships as I could I tried jokes I'd ask for their names and where they were from jobs etc anything I could try to make a joke about never a single laugh eventually they got picked up and apparently one complained about my jokes specifically I ended up getting a stern talking-to for unconventional interrogation because I kept asking where they were from and what they did and I had to explain that I was so bored and desperate to get better at comedy that I almost inadvertently committed a war crime too long didn't read I perform stand-up comedy for detained Taliban members that went so badly they accused me of war crimes I got a stern talking-to for that dude the other soldiers would rather risk dying to listen to you and the freaking Taliban thought you were torturing them maybe stand-up comedy isn't for you today I aft up by accidentally ghosting a great first date so last week I was in Korea and spontaneously decided to download tinder a day before I was supposed to leave since I had no plans that day luckily I found a guy who was willing to meet up with me that day and we planned to meet for dinner in Seoul then he told me he actually had plans at night but was willing to meet up for coffee I agreed and we end up meeting a few hours later to grab a coffee he pays for my drink and immediately we connect and talk for a very long time he was super sweet and very attentive throughout the whole date I was surprised that we shared many similar interests he promised that when I visit Korea again he'd show me around and made tentative plans he repeatedly told me he wanted to meet again which I took as a sign of interest since I was returning to Japan I had no intention of continuing to use tinder so I asked for another way to contact him since we were in Korea I figured he would have Kakao Talk a Korean messaging app so I suggested that I should add a Hmong Kakao first big F up I added him on Kakao through his QR code despite never using the app before then sent a quick hi message and closed the app after that I forgot about it and we quickly went back to chatting and banter eventually it came around time for dinner but neither of us wanted to leave early and since he had his commitment at 9:00 p.m. he suggested we walk around to grab dinner I agreed and we walked around the streets of Seoul to find a place to eat we settled for street food and talked over dinner this time I paid for the meal as a thank-you for the coffee and we hit it back to the station but since neither of us wanted to depart we made one last pit stop and he decided to show me a Korean bookstore we were supposed to end the date at 7 p.m. but we kept on pushing it back as we found new things to discuss until it reached almost 7:30 it was finally time to go so we walked through the station together he told me that he was very lucky to have met me and I should call him when I reached my hotel safely we agreed to keep in touch online we depart and I get on the train my hotel was one hour and thirty minutes away by train so 45 minutes in I decided to spontaneously delete tinder since I had this guy in Kakao it shouldn't have been a problem to delete tinder right second eff up when I finally reached my hotel around 9:00 p.m. I decided to open up Kakao Talk and message him I look at our chat log and it was empty I remember thinking weird I thought I messaged hai earlier but I quickly dismissed it and tried to send another message it didn't go through so I tested another message and it didn't work turns out I'm partially banned from Kakao Talk because the number I registered with isn't associated with a carrier anymore this means I can't send messages unless they sin the first message I quickly go into panic mode and try to contact him through other means however I deleted my tinder account which was my main way of contacting him so I thought that maybe I should make another Kakao account with my Korean number and contact him through there so I uninstall and reinstall Kakao Talk and create a new account third eff up clearly I wasn't thinking because there was no way to read him since I don't have his Kakao ID so I backtrack and tried to log into my old Kakao account and just wait for him to message me first immediately I receive a pop-up notification this account is temporarily disabled I thought the ban only extended to messaging but apparently now I can't login either I messaged Kakao support and they said it would take several weeks to unban me don't find anything wrong great so now I guess I unwillingly ghost in my first aid I really put in the effort to contact him again by trying to find other social media but to my avail I had no luck so I guess I'll never be able to contact him again and the whole date was just one big fever dream of my time in Korea so this thread got a ton of upvotes and everyone got together and tried to figure out how she could reconnect with this guy and luckily Opie posted an update I tried the GPS spoofing tinder hack so many of you suggested and was able to Lane my account in Gangnam Seoul where I initially was when I match with him but to my dismay I couldn't find him at all I narrowed down my options to his age range but it still didn't work my index finger was swiping left constantly I felt like a broken record I swiped left on hundreds of guys until eventually there were no more matches to be found so I finally decided to replayed eight over again in my head and suddenly recall my date explaining how he signed up for a language exchange app to learn English and how he's an active member I didn't recall the name of the app but it was a total big brain move that I didn't utilize that power pack wheeze before my very hands which was Google so now with a million fewer IQ points I searched language exchange apps popular in Korea and was presented with a few options immediately one of the icons displayed looked very familiar that's the one I thought that's the app that he showed me during our date I rush to the App Store to download the app and impatiently fill out their prompts to create a new account I selected the I want to teach Korean and I want to teach English options finally I was done creating my profile the app told me it would take up to seven days to approve of my account so I can start finding language exchange partners since this was my only lead left I unwillingly played the waiting game an hour later I received a notification that my account was approved I rushed to the app and nervously scanned the Korean profiles that popped up in my feed there were profiles after profiles of teen girls with straight black hair and wispy bangs trying to emulate their favorite kpop idol or middle-aged guys with unflattering selfie angles but none of them was the guy I was looking for I was a bit dejected but now that the Premium Subscription allowed me to search for specific users I fidget around trying to find my date from the free users list but was finding very little luck with that method I caved in shelling out the 20 bucks for their premium subscription justifying that it makes sense to pay for it because at least I'll get to practice speaking different languages although this was just an excuse to hopefully rekindle with them once my transaction was complete I accessed a search bar and typed in his tinder alias my reasoning was that since his actual Korean name is so common think John Smith he wouldn't put it on the app I held my breath waiting for the results to show up but no results were found I was slightly disappointed but didn't lose hope maybe by a stroke of luck searching by his Korean name would work I was doubtful but grasping at what jeffer straws I had left from past experience searching up his Korean name on Facebook gave me more than a hundred results but none of them were him I typed in his Korean name and pressed enter I resumed holding my breath and prayed that this would work the words two results popped up on my screen I frantically looked at the results the first profile was a buff dude with a gnarly bleached blonde goatee not my guy I dismissed then I quickly glimpsed the second profile and my eyes widened and my heart froze it was him it was the guy I so desperately tried to find this past week I clicked on his profile but suddenly my anxiety kicked in what if I messaged him many things I'm too desperate and is turned off I panicked but forced myself to initiate a message anyways like what was that going to say hey sorry for ghosting you for a week are we gucci what if he's mad what if he doesn't like me anymore I took a deep breath to clear my mind and try to articulate explain my situation in a few sentences I repeatedly revised and deleted part of my opening message before I finally decided to take the dive and hit Send then it was playing the waiting game again one perk about being a premium member on this app was that you got to see when users are active after a few minutes the app said he was active right now great I thought optimistically he'll message me soon and will clear up all the misunderstandings minutes went by and he didn't respond that's okay maybe send a conversation with someone else several minutes turned into an hour and one hour turned into two hours my stomach churned maybe I really did eff up by not being cautious enough with my messaging apps I mean what kind of sick psychological game was this making me receive a taste of my own medicine every time my phone buzz with the notification from the language my ears perked up a bit but it was always some middle-aged guy propositioning me for intercourse or a white dude with yellow fever trying to use the new pick-up lines he learned in Japanese occasionally I get a wholesome friend request from someone genuinely trying to learn English but nevertheless out of all the 32 messages I received none were from my date yet I gave him the benefit of the doubt from experiencing how overwhelming the app could be within those two hours I changed my language exchange profile to exactly mirror my tinder profile and put my language exchange profile on high visibility mode so that he would notice it suddenly I got an influx of messages from various users in addition to the reddit notifications from my previous today I effed up I couldn't stand it and temporarily muted all my notifications on my phone and hid it to class for two hours after class I was ready to cut my losses and understood of my date didn't want to contact me again however I decided to open up the app after class and check my messages not expecting anything to happen but still within me was a nestled hope that he still wanted to reach out to me and there it was nestled within all the other messages was an unread message from my date even though I said I was ready to cut my losses just a few minutes before I couldn't help but squeal I couldn't stop my smiling and did an excitement lap around the hallway outside my classroom he seemed genuinely happy that I found him again and that he could keep in contact with me I was jumping for joy on the way back home we were assumed our conversation from the week before as if nothing happens later in the day he called me through the language app and we talked about our crazy weeks I'm just so glad to have found him again and talk to him about various topics I don't need some crazy intensive rom-com esque relationship I'm just content with keeping in contact and seeing what happens from there I like how she says she doesn't want a crazy rom-com relationship yet this post reads exactly like the first 30 minutes of a or on gum today I effed up by using a nose hair trimmer to manscape my nether regions and subsequently revealing mankind's most horrible secret on reddit as a preface to this tea foo I'm committing one of the greatest societal taboos and revealing a secret that heretofore has been zealously guarded throughout the ages it is a correlate to child birth in that just as postmenopausal women wouldn't dare tell an expectant mother how truly agonizing childbirth is no man in his 50s would traumatize a man in his youthful prime with fears of the anatomical horror that is to come but times have changed and new technology places men in grave danger so now you must know of this biological atrocity in order that you might avoid my disastrous eff up sometime around midlife men's hair follicles undergo a revolting mutation while here atop one's head thins and drops new hair grows in places you never imagined bristle stiff tough sprout outside and inside of ears and up nostrils eyebrows become bushy unruly and coarse pubic hair turns gray and scraggly I kid you not and these hairs grow alarmingly fast and require constant attention lest you become that guy with a bunny paw sticking out of his ear their eradication is a battle min wage stoic ly and silently through the second half of their lives and as with any battle there are casualties now on to my eff up I found a great nose hair trimmer in the as advertised on TV aisle at CVS it looks like and operates like a miniature hedge trimmer it's virtually impossible to cut yourself but mows down the hair yesterday I was trimming ear nose and eyebrow hairs after a shower I was so happy with the results I decided to try it on my pubes - it worked great soon I had gone a bit overboard and pretty much shaved my balls in the base of my shaft to the skin I like the new look but my bushy taint was a tickler neck beard that had to go I positioned a makeup mirror on the bathroom floor and laid down spread-eagle knees up so I could see and trim everything well where where what's a few wispy hairs prevailed unbeknownst to me a virtual forest had arisen worst of all my butthole was sporting Borat mustache but brows trusty new nose hair trimmer in hand I prepared for battle the but brows had to go first I began on the left and quickly decimated the bunghole caterpillar I moved decisively to the right prepared to take down but brow to with one swift stroke close to the skin however this was not to be instead my butt hairs wrapped around the trimmer blade like Rapunzel using a superheated curling iron pulling the device tight against my skin and jamming the blade the hairs were being ripped from my flesh and the pain was excruciating no matter how I tried I couldn't remove the trimmer wiggling it tugged the hairs more restarting it was a double down that I lost the hairs were wound even tighter against the blade I frog walk naked to my bedroom one hand holding the trimmer tight between my butt cheeks and search for cuticle scissors no luck I did however find a carpet knife unbearable pain breeds desperation back on the bathroom floor I tried in vain to cut myself free nicking the tenderest of flesh twice and drawing the first blood of battle I was making little progress and it was time to make the ultimate sacrifice after a suitable prayer I gripped tight on the trimmer and committed reverse harakiri Brazilian wax style ripping off the termer blade along its butt brownette trap blinding pain left me curled fetal hyperventilating while blood slowly trickle down my butt crack I decided to share my today I effed up and exposed life's cruel secret in the best interest of mankind that others may avoid falling prey to the technological wonders of as-seen-on-tv hair removal tools young men of reddit I beg of you to heed my warning do not go gentle into that good night rage rage against the dying of the light Oh pee what I want to know is assuming that butt trimming had gone successfully did you intend on using that on your nose hairs again that was our slash today I act up and unless you want me to come to your house and aggressively trim your butthole hairs then you'd better hit that like button

Channel: rSlash

Views: 473,132

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: NWzpOQ2zQOQ

Length: 17min 49sec (1069 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 19 2019