r/TIFU I Accidentally Dipped My Balls in Hot Sauce

welcome to our slash today I act up where a guy accidentally dips his balls in chili sauce today I aft up by waking up my sleeping family screaming there's something in my pants until my sister found to something and for context in this story Opie is a woman tonight I effed up I was outside smoking a cigarette in my pajamas everyone else was asleep it's a bit rainy and chilly if that matters anyway I felt something like a lump in my slipper I took it off shook it nothing came out then I felt something very subtle near my ankle I reached down but couldn't locate it I tried to ignore it but kept feeling these tiny Wiggles I started panicking thinking it was a spider I began slapping my leg at one point by my knee I felt a little lump and that sent me running into the house screaming I'm very afraid of spiders I burst into my sister's room turned her light on and remove my pants all while shouting that something's in my pants she woke up screaming scared of my sudden intrusion the dogs promptly ran into her room as well confused I tossed my pants at her and just kept shouting something in my pants she first said it was nothing then at my prompting she shook my pants my sweatpants nothing happened she told me it's nothing see good night I was relieved I went to grab I went to grab my pants again to put them on I've been wearing no underwear under my pants not my best decision and my sister started screaming I look and clinging on to the crotch of my sweatpants was a freaking mouse I tossed the pants at her because well I panicked we were shouting at each other both saying do something the dogs were barking at the confusion finally our parents entered the room we just shouted it then that there was a mouse my father was like okay and my mom asked why I wasn't wearing any pants and then I started shouting it's in my pants all over again we put the mouse outside it was very much alive this kind of reminds me of something that happened to me and I don't think I've told the story on my channel if I have and you've heard before I'm sorry but I was sleeping and I had a dream a dream that I was in my bedroom and a giant like plate sized spider was descending from the ceiling from a strand of silken web and it landed on my chest while I was laying in the bed now keep in mind at this point I'm still asleep I'm still dreaming but the unconscious me reached my right hand to my chest to grab the spider but the thing is I had been sleeping on my right hand so it was completely numb so when my right hand reaches my chest my right hand can't feel anything because it's numb so my right hand is grabbing at my chest but my right hand can't feel what it is doing but my chest my chest can feel what's happening and my fingers feel like this giant plate sized spider is scrapping all over my chest and suddenly the added physical sensation makes it so much scarier so in my panic I try and grab the spider even harder so I go from grabbing to clawing and suddenly I feel my fingernails at digging in my chest and in my still dream brain I'm thinking that the spider is stabbing into my chest with its pointy dagger-like legs and it is the single most horrifying nightmare I've ever had in my life because I genuinely thought that this massive spider was burrowing a hole into my stomach zero out of ten would not dream again today I effed up by leaving my vibrator out at the firehouse so I a 23 year old woman it may live in firefighter at a volunteer firehouse this means that in exchange for chores being available for calls and doing a Vincent tours I live at the firehouse for free I have my own room but since this is technically a place of employment they put in the contract that they can do room inspections whenever they'd like seems fair enough to me if I'm living here for free what sucks about my room is that they don't have a lot of storage for us to help they bought us these under the big drawer system things I can't have my nightstand right next to my bed because it's against the wall and if I need something under there it's in the way when I pull the drawer out to fix this I got a big caddy one of those things you slip under your mattress and it hangs an easy reach I put my water bottle glasses meds etc in it and today I forgot my vibrator in it I can't have a guy over because it's against the rules to have any one in your room here therefore a vibrator I was doing chores around the firehouse when one of the higher-ups stopped by and asked if he could look around I showed him to my room later as I had recently moved in and he liked what I'd done since my caddie was partially hidden by my covers he asked what that lump was I enthusiastically said it was my babe caddy and it's it's ingenious as I lifted the effin covers I died inside as we both stared at my vibrator he just laughed and left please kill me the thing I love about this story is that I didn't know what a big caddy was until this person explained it so there's also a decent chance that her boss didn't know what a bid caddy was either meaning that when she pulled back the covers to reveal her vibrator there's a decent chance that the guy thought that she was referring to the vibrator as the bed caddy so as far as he knows Opie just went this is my bed caddy it's engine genius behold and then shows him a vibrator lady do you mean to say bed caddy or bed daddy today I aft up by returning a pizza cutter to my new neighbor we just moved into a new house we had a bunch of friends help us move and we naturally got some taken bake pizza because people who helped you move deserve pizza it's the least we could do cute pizza time and we realized we have no pizza cutter this could have been foreseen since all our stuff was in boxes but things like that both of their cracks because moving is stressful no big deal one of our friends goes over to a neighbor's house and the guy generously lends him his pizza cutter a couple of days later I head over to the neighbor's house to return the pizza cutter I'm feeling pretty peppy since I have a good reason to meet a neighbor there's definitely a little bounce in my step I ring the doorbell and a woman opens the door a quarter of the way I am only 95% sure I'm at the right house so I lead with I think I have your pizza cutter and I quickly whip it up in front of me remember I'm feeling a little peppy so my movement was a bit quick also the pizza cutter was borrowed from a guy this lady presumably has no idea that her husband went out there pizza cutter so naturally when the strange man at the door flips up a knife like object in front of him she shrieked and slammed the door shuts the next three seconds felt like three minutes as I put all the pieces together she was putting some pieces together too and reopens the door like one sixteenth of the way I sheepishly say I believe this is your pizza cutter we're your new neighbors and maybe we borrowed it from your husband the other day the next minute was filled with profuse apologies on both sides I gave her the pizza cutter and then went home a few weeks later my wife's are and they chatted and laughed about the pizza cutter incident so all is well today I act up by watching an adult video that almost gave me a heart attack about two months ago I was watching adult videos and found a girl who looked like my wife which I'm into so I clicked on it as I watched it I started to think it might actually be my wife then I turn up the volume and listened close and I start to panic it sounds and looks just like my wife my heart starts pounding my stomach dropped to the floor when she looked at the camera and in this moment I'm convinced luckily at the very end of a short clip there was like a three frame shot at the end that obviously wasn't her but I couldn't get it out of my head I kept watching and listening and slowed it down and with the exception of those last frames it really seemed to be her anyways after I finished my business I just hadn't waited for my wife to come home all the while telling myself things like it's not her you're being stupid I couldn't leave it alone so I tried looking up the actress but couldn't find the info finally my wife came home and I had to show her the clip first she laughed then she gasped when the girl looks up she started to tear up and asked if perhaps she'd been drugged or something after further inspection and some comparison of identifying markers like birthmarks and the like we concluded that it's not her but someone who looks and sounds extremely similar I'm still trying to find out who the girl is because I'm hoping there may be some fun things to watch like a good lesbian scene for a good hour there I thought that my marriage of 10 years might have been a sham the good thing is it made me realize how much I love my wife and how important she is to me in my life I like how this guy comes across evidence that makes him honestly believe that his wife is moonlighting as a porn star and his first reaction is to you know finish his business today i F EE and embarrassing myself for everything's giving for the rest of my life obligatory this didn't happen today this happened on Thanksgiving about 15 years ago when I was a young lad my family always goes to my one uncle's house and they have a big basement with a light switch at the top of the stairs me a 22 year old male my brother my sister and my eight cousins always played a game that we called monster in the bathroom the game is just hide-and-seek but all the lights are out and the people have to make a noise when the seeker asked him to also we never played in an actual bathroom no idea why we call it that so we play a few games the lights start on so people can find a good place to hide while the seeker stands at the top of the stairs and counts down when they're finished counting they turn out the light and make their way down the stairs to find people my oldest cousin was a seeker of this game and he's kind of known as the funny one of the bunch so I was presented an opportunity to out humor him as he was walking down the stairs I suddenly got the urge to fart I could tell this was a mammoth of a fart just by feel so I was dying for him to ask for us to make a noise finally he got to the bottom of the stairs and screams loudly make a noise trying to get a laugh out of everyone not to be outdone I released the loudest and wettest fart I had ever released in my young life every single person hiding burst into his stare laughter including myself and the seeker after the Laughing died down I realized my f up my legendary fart was actually a shart and I had wet poo dripping down my leg the other f up was that even though everyone else stopped laughing after 30 seconds I couldn't stop I I laughed so hard that I also pissed my pants my cousin immediately caught me and it was revealed that I had simultaneously pooed my pants and pissed my pants the game ended right there because I had to go upstairs and borrow pants and underwear from my cousin now every single year when my family arrives at Thanksgiving every cousin comes up to me and yells hey Opie make a noise this has not has not gotten old to them and I'll be arriving at my uncle's house in about two hours I will undoubtedly be asked to make a noise as it is a Thanksgiving tradition from here till the day I die well look on the bright side Opie at least you were funnier than your cousin today I effed up by not looking closely at a meeting invite my eff up is currently in progress my company's VP of Sales sent me a meeting in by last Friday towards the end of the day I live in Seattle and the meeting is in Portland with the potential customer the VP gives me a call right after sending the invite and says that it's cheaper to fly than drive and to book a flight using a saver fare I needed to get into Portland for the meeting at 9:00 a.m. on Monday and fly back that night no earlier than 6 p.m. I booked my ticket get on the plane this morning and text another co-worker who lives in the area and also planned on attending the meeting to see if he can come pick me up he calls back frantic he says is the meeting today I'm an hour away I thought it was on the 9th I checked my email he's right and because I booked with a saber fare I can't change to an earlier flight without buying a whole new ticket so now I'm stuck in Portland Airport for the next eight hours today I effed up by burning my balls seven stages of grief every Sunday I prepare meals for the week on the new this time was slow-cooked aromatic land averin mixed bean chili and ratatouille carbs are cooked during the week while prepping the chili I realized I had some leftover fresh chilies from last Sunday they still looked good so I chopped them up and chuck those in rather than 1 teaspoon of chili powder jump to 5 minutes ahead I've got my marinara sauce simmering and I've chopped all the veggies for the chili and ratatouille when I get the uncontrollable urge to pee no biggie a quick dash to the loo and I'm back to my dutiful place in the kitchen and yes I did wash my hands I even use soap I'm blending the marinara sauce when the slightest hint of a burn kicks in I assume wrongly that my ballsack just got pinched by my boxers and/or trousers and do the old side-to-side swing the subsequent waft of air causes a new more intense sensation of heat to bloom out from the midst of my sorry sack stage 1 shock and denial I take a man up pill and decide to just wait it out I can't believe that I might have been stupid enough to get fresh chili oil on my man Zac I made it as far as putting the ratatouille into the oven grazing my manhood against my boxers in the process and triggering the next stage stage 2 pain a truly excruciating burning sensation I note the FL nearly tripped over Diego our black cat and squealed as I crab ran past my partner in the living room waking her up from her nap in the process I stripped down faster than Magic Mike and slam are low-budget electric showers stream on full the water is lukewarm but feels like actual lava when it touches my junk turn it down okay that's better I grab my girlfriend's coconut and light she shampoo thinking that'll chill my bits Oh God I was wrong whatever demonic chemicals lay in the shampoo reignited my metaphorical balls of fire it was about then that my girlfriend came up to investigate the commotion stage 3 anger and bargaining I stood under the shower legs a Gabe how with this pain last when would it stop surely there must be something that can ease the pain Stage four depression reflection loneliness this is my life now forever burning balls this is the price I pay for being an idiot Stage five upward turn my partner has googled a possible salvation milk we have some full fat milk in the fridge for baking she offers me a mug full through the shower curtain I ask her to turn around to preserve what little dignity I had left I dunk my burning balls in the sweet white nectar and the relief is immediate and godly my eyes shut and I'm quiet my own milk quilted nirvana my partner must have been worried she asked if I'm okay I'm okay stages 6 & 7 reconstruction hope acceptance I'm still going through my head exactly how I burned my balls and why it was only the sack and not the other part nevertheless I survived the encounter and him all the wiser for its goodness gracious great balls of fire that was our / today I effed up and unless you went to a pub you had better hit that like button

Channel: rSlash

Views: 382,422

Rating: 4.9474435 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: hYixRFitm7Q

Length: 16min 44sec (1004 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 11 2019