r/Tifu By Getting Arrested in My Underwear!

welcome to our slash today effed up where Opie strips down into her bra and panties breaks into a house and gets caught by the police today I F to by calling out of work and wasting a sick day all because I literally cannot stop farting recently I came across this vegan food at Trader Joe's called tempeh I'm not vegan but I'm trying to eat cleaner I'm meal prepped quite a few meals for the week and last night I had two containers of precooked tempeh I woke up early this morning with the most god-awful farts one could imagine my stomach churned and ate every minute a new fart was coming out and the smell was rancid you could smell it and literally think I messed my pants never before in the history of being alive did I think I'd have to call out of work for farting too much but it's 5:20 p.m. on the west coast and I'm still letting them rip I'm pretty sure I cannot handle soy seeing as how this tempeh product is pretty much a soy based vegan food never again will I eat this stuff I've never had such terrible stomachaches before today teper stands for today I farted uncontrollably today I have to by teaching my toddler to metal saying baa baa black sheep so as with all toddlers they're like a sponge and like distraction growing up when I was changing her she would kick and mess about which made it all the more difficult to stop this I would teach her things like where her body parts were and sing songs it usually happened in this order and she would repeat the songs and sing along with me over time the songs weren't having the same effect so I started to sing them in a deeper voice to try and distract her better the one usually after pointing at her body parts was baa baa black sheep she's going to be starting preschool soon and while at orientation the teacher was asking her normal things like how she is and does she know this in that etc she got to naming body parts which my toddler did excellent in this is where the F up happens as the teacher finished asking her questions my toddler as if by Pavlovian conditioning with the last body part question dropped her head and eyebrows and started to belt in the most gnarliest metalcore voice ever baa baa black sheep baa baa black sheep if you've never seen a child sing in a low baritone voice it's quite a shocking and terrifying sight to see like Damian from the omen only with pigtails her mother who I could tell was not aware she could do this looked me in the eye and then the teacher who quite frankly didn't know what to say as she was shocked the teacher tried to collect herself and said I'll see you guys a little bit later on which has never before sounded more like you guys must be teaching your kid to worship the devil today I act up by making my one-night-stand breakfast I kind of have a bad relationship a few months ago and only recently felt good enough to get out of the house again this was my first ever boyfriend and he turned out to be a piece of garbage so I was obviously a bit hesitant but some old friends from high school were visiting my town and asked if I wanted to go in a bar crawl with them and I figured f it it's not like anything will happen other than getting drunk with some pals so why not at the first bar we went into a group of guys from my University I had seen some of them around but never spoke to them before one of my friends decides me she's gonna force me to get out of my shell and drags our group over to talk with them I'm extremely quiet like weirdly quiet to most people so I end up sitting in the corner of our booth and not saying anything just drinking and feeling awkward well one of the guys in the other group let's call him Adam is also being weirdly quiet so my friend and his friends who are already tipsy decide to make things as awkward as possible by making us play truth or dare except we had to drink when we don't want to answer something there are a lot of personal and adult questions neither of us want to answer so we end up drinking quite a bit and by that time we're done with the first bar Adam and I are on a whole different plane of existence from everyone else and it turned out we had a lot in common and he was pretty cute and we were goofing around and laughing the whole time I started to get butterflies in my stomach and not just from the alcohol Adam has my exact since if humor and is really sweet and kind we wander off and start having deep drunk conversations about feeling left out of things and how annoying it is when people say things like can they speak I tell him I'm walking home and he offers to walk with me I know where this is going but I'm drunk enough that I don't feel nervous plus I feel like I have a genuine connection with this guy our friends our wolf-whistling as we leave and instead of being embarrassed I feel weirdly proud so we get to my place talk and smoke for a bit and do the deed I wake up earlier than him and decide I'm gonna make a nice breakfast I want to impress him and show him I like him and everyone likes a good breakfast when they have a hangover right so I sneak out of bed and make scrambled eggs french toast and sausage I prefer almond milk so I use that for the eggs and french toast he wakes up and tells me I look just as cute sober at this point I'm convinced he's the love of my life he sees the breakfast and gets excited and I'm like yes my plan worked I'm gonna get to his heart through his stomach we eat and everything is going great for a few bites then he makes a weird face and clears his throat his eyes start to widen and he asked me if there were nuts in the bread or something I say no but I used almond milk he jumps out of his chair and says call an ambulance right now I'm freaking the F out he's wheezing and stuff and looks absolutely panicked I ask if he has an EpiPen and he shakes his head no so I call an ambulance and tell them he's having an allergic reaction and paramedics come in to haul him off this happened last weekend I haven't heard back from him since I found his buddy and confirmed he isn't dead I guess accidentally triggering a severe allergic reaction doesn't lead to romance Opie don't be too hard on yourself to be honest he's probably just as embarrassed as you are maybe even more so you said it yourself that both of you are weirdly quiet so it might just be that introversion speaking I say take the first step reach out to him offered to give him an apology dinner with no nuts and I think you guys might be able to work it out today I have to by telling my dad about the Karen meme my family loves to overshare this lack of filters has a tendency to get people into trouble because not all the information is provided even when it's meant harmlessly my parents are a bit older prime okay boomer age I was talking to my dad the other day on the phone because his birthday dinner was a few days later I asked how my mom was doing and he goes on to tell me a story about how my mom and aunt whose real name is Karen we're at the store and the cashier made a mistake my aunt went off in the cashier and asked to see the manager my mom was mortified and tried to calm her down but she wasn't having it I then mentioned to my dad that's such a Karen thing he goes on to say yeah your aunt does that a lot I tell him that's the funny part the Karen meme is a real thing it's when an entitled typically white woman gets angry at the smallest mistake and asked for a manager my dad found this hilarious and I explained in more detail I send him a few links to sites explaining it online he finds all of this hilarious and she even has the Karen hairstyle this sends him down the Google Images rabbit hole and the next few days he sends me random memes of Karen's doing Karen stuff adding your aunt did this last week or I think this one is about your aunt this leads up to his birthday dinner with extended family my dad's birthday dinner is going well everyone's having a good time good food and drinks etc suddenly my aunt sitting a few seats down from me leans forward and loudly shouts down the table hey Opie what's this whole thing about making a meme about me I respond huh she then tells me my dad sent her all these memes about things she's done he didn't give her the context that it's a generic meme from the internet and what's it about now my aunt thinks I made all these memes about her real-life events at this point the entire family thinks I created this meme on the internet about my aunts antics in public there's a back and forth discussion about it being really rude of me she's pulling a Karen and starts chewing me out meanwhile I'm looking at my dad like WTF back me up here my dad finally steps in to say that this is just a random viral internet thing and that I didn't make these up behind my aunt spot even after explaining she's a bit irritated it's apparent she's embarrassed that she's so much like a Karen and couldn't tell it and couldn't tell the difference between the stories online and her own encounters op4 your dad's birthday I think you need to give him the gift of our slash I have a sneaking suspicion that he's gonna enjoy this channel as a matter of fact everyone should give their parents that gift of our slash also Opie you should have been like let me guess you want to speak to my manager mom do you have anything to add today I act up by getting busted by the cops while in my bra and panties after breaking and entering to get my friend insulin this weekend I was in one of my best friend's weddings the ride my friend is diabetic and forgot her insulin when we went to the church so technically diabetes is the villain of the story no problem I volunteered to go back to our house to pick it up I like a mission me against diabetes after a morning of Bridal stuff my adrenal glands were more than happy to kick some dust off the bride says the back door is unlocked so I dashed to our house drifting the corners in my mind finding the apex in the road the back door is not unlocked no doors are opened but I am NOT taking the El on this all of us bridesmaids had gotten ready at her house earlier and one of the other bridesmaids had been leaning out her window on the second floor smoking I gaze up at her window praying that it's still unlocked I know this house I went to high school with the bride snuck out of that window under the roof and clambered down the tree beside the house many times only this time I'm in a strapless tight mermaid-style dress driving a stick in this constricting skirt was challenging enough there's no way on God's green earth that I can climb a tree it's barely above freezing but this is a DEFCON 2 situation I'm in the backyard and there's only one house that can see me I except the crazy low odds that the grandparents that live next door will notice me decidedly incorrect assumption because apparently Gramps has assigned himself the position of overwatch I kick off my heels sling off my jacket it's barely above freezing and toss the Morticia Addams style bridesmaids dress over the fence I Pat my old friend the tree and begin to climb I'm sure I sloth climbed it but the adrenaline pushing through my veins has me convinced that I ninja warrior' that thing the windows unlocked hoorah once I open it I ungracefully fall into the room from the roof I don't care because the distinctly male movie announcer voice in my head is sexily broadcasting the trailer for the movie I'm acting out the crowd cheers when my icicle toes hit the hardwood floors I'm killing it the room looks like a girl bomb exploded curlers hair dryers makeup bags and clothes cover every square inch of the carpet I super kung-fu hop over the piles of the dresser where she said her insulin bag would be it's not there i rifled through the pile shaking like a scared dog from the cold nope to the bathroom nope a massive rock drops into my stomach when I can't find her insulin the clock is ticking I launched down the stairs two at a time and run through the houses my eyes scan every surface I find it on the kitchen counter a full floor away from where she thought she left it booyah I'm back in the game I shot gun pump my arm and grab the bag I make sure I can lock the kitchen door from the inside I mentally check yep I left all my stuff outside I step into the garage shutting the door behind me as I'm jiggling the lock doorknob I hear the whoop whoop of a police car I slowly turn and do some weird half rays of my hands there are two two cops in the driveway all official and Stern looking in a split second I see a flash of images in my head I am in the back of the police car a handcuffed search warrants are getting issued I see the courtroom a stern judge and an unforgiving jury in a moment of catastrophic cognitive dissonance I swear I heard my brain misfire the only thing that zaps me back to reality is that I kid you not my boobs are too frozen ice cones I'm going to have the pleasure of explaining this trainwreck to the officers while wearing nothing but my fancy thong lacy strapless bra because genius Meade didn't want panty lines and my hot guy will be wearing a tux to the wedding nuff said I could have vaporized on the spot from the humiliation as the officers approached me I don't even know what I said I purge the bag of insulin at the older cop and vomited out the preposterous details of this texas-sized oof that landed me in my skivvies coming out of a house that I technically broke into they try to keep a straight face but then I start to laugh it begins as a small embarrassed chuckle but then it takes on a life of its own commandeering all of my self-control and flinging it into the icy wind with the ashes of my dignity I hel tears run down my face and I shoot strangled inhuman sounds at them I can make no sound other than drawn-out vowels god it's embarrassing the cops are trying to ask me questions and instead they get muddy the dog all I can do is wheeze or tear and shake from the cold finally I begged him to let me put my clothes on one gallantly swings his arms to tell me to proceed to the backyard to recover my assortment of clothing cringe Lee clinging to the fence there gentlemen about it as I jump and shimmy into this hell contraption of a bridesmaid's dress they asked me if there's anyone that I can call from the family to confirm the story I call the bride she doesn't pick up I call the bride's mom she doesn't pick up I call the love of my life he picks up on the first ring god I love that man he doesn't know why I left the church but immediately goes in to solve this problem fast mode he gets the bride's dad it gets sorted my guy is waiting in the parking lot when I pull up panic rolls across his face when he sees me thinking I've been crying I laughed the rest of my makeup off with him when I tell him the story we're getting married soon and I think the bride should have to perform a commensurate task - climbing a tree in freezing weather in her underwear I'm definitely taking suggestions this all happened in a decently small town this story has rips through the gossip mill like Taco Bell through the colon my oldest brother is apparently friends with a young cop that I could never make myself look in the eye yep for living this down and I'm never more grateful to have moved away also life protip I'm an idiot so maybe you all know this but don't hand your phone to the police put the call on speaker or show the text from your hand do not physically place your property in the care of the police advice from a law student who was more than happy to lecture me for 20 minutes at the reception I'm pretty sure I've seen this exact plot on pornhub that was our slot today I act up and if you don't hit the like and subscribe buttons then today you effed up

Channel: rSlash

Views: 366,631

Rating: 4.9329104 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: olVO_q-Xgbs

Length: 15min 55sec (955 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 10 2020