r/TIFU My Tongue Ring Almost KILLED ME!

welcome to our slash today I act up where we get to laugh at people's horrible life choices today I act up by teaching my daughter to talk I'm grocery shopping with my one-year-old she's just the sweetest really loves cooking and shopping with her daddy is chatty with anyone that will talk to her and waves it literally everyone so of course we've been teaching her to say everyday words as well as any new ones we think she can pick up on she's getting quite the vocabulary for being so little as it goes I decided to grill some chicken and have a nice garden salad for dinner with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette I took my little angel to the store with me to grab a few things and when I picked up the balsamic vinegar I heard a familiar question what's that I told her it was balsamic vinegar which she pronounced buzzed salty inward I tried to correct her to no avail her decision was concrete my adorable little girl is passing out in words I'm mortified she's loudly and proudly saying her new words we scurried out with no groceries and people staring and ordered pizza for dinner she's still asking this morning when we're going to eat basalt E in word edit her four-year-old brother is now saying it 2-1 guess who's staying home from preschool today today I act up by ignoring my hot co-workers open invitation I lifeguard at a local indoor pool there's about six lifeguards including me and five of them are guys there's one female and she's like smoking hot any 18 year olds fantasy she's like 23 yesterday it was just me and her at work and she asked if I was doing anything later I told her I was probably just gonna play video games or something and she asked me if I want to go to the arcade with her I said yes under the assumption we would go as friends would I want to go on a date with her absolutely but I knew she's way out of my league and didn't want to embarrass myself regardless the plan is set after work I would meet her at her apartment and we would go to the arcade in our local mall I go home and shower change clothes get ready etc I Drive over to her apartment and text her she tells me the door's unlocked and to come in I walk in and she's in her bathroom doing her hair in her bra and where I kind of back out the door but she tells me to come back in and that I always see her in a two-piece swimsuit Touche she's getting ready and we're just talking about work and she lays on her bed and says my neck is killing me I need a massage I kind of laugh and then she asked me if I give good massages while giving me this look here's where the screw-up occurs my dump says uh I think there's a massage kiosk at the mall worthy arcade is ten seconds later I realized what I just did she sighed and finished getting ready silently and we went to the arcade she was practically silent the whole night the next day at work today she didn't mention anything of it I still can't believe I see blocked myself today I act up by making a cash register boy blush I a 34 year old woman was on my way back from work passing by the local grocery store in supermarket located very close to my home there are normally lots of stray cats in the neighborhood but there is one in particular that always comes running when she sees me so even when I'm loaded with shopping bags I can't help myself petting her today was no exception I made sure to pet her only with the left hand because I knew I wouldn't be able to wash my hands immediately love her but she's kind of dingy so to avoid touching my face her hair as I often do I was trying to do everything with my right hands so I go to the supermarket next already on the cash register unloading my basket and chit-chatting with the boy who works it he looks to be in his early 20s kind of cute like I normally do while I'm helping him arrange all items in my bag I followed his gaze and noticed a questioning look he gave my left hand as it must have appeared quite weird that I wouldn't use it and instead hold it aside like a surgeon ready to operate me me being the kind of person who feels the need to explain any misunderstandings away because God forbid somebody thinks something weird about me Lowell sure pop casually oh I just stroked a kitty with that hand so I try not to touch anything else before I wash my hands properly mind you I said that in my native language where the word for kitty and the euphemism are interchangeable like the P word in English he stopped scanning the groceries for a moment and when I looked at him he had this priceless expression on his face eyes a little wide sort of flushed looking at me and disbelief only then did it hit me what I said and how it must have sounded to him I quickly corrected myself elaborating saying kitty cat you know a straight meow meow yes I really said that cringe he made an O sound and bit his lip suppressing a burst of laughter I think I might have to shop elsewhere in the next few days facepalm ha ha Oh P you should have just leaned into it and asked for his number the top comment he's a cash register man now today I act up by creating a special handshake with my daughter this is an ongoing today I act up I'm actively looking for ways to end it my daughter is 3 she's the light of my life and all that because she isn't much for drinking or golf I have to find activities we both enjoyed it past the day this means we spend a great deal of time watching movies my favourite is et and I figured she'd love it too wrong et is terrifying to a little girl in an effort to make et fun again I taught her the fingertip touch ouch thing and then we watched that scene a few times in a row it went well and now et no longer scares her when she's held onto the fingertip touch and it's taken on a life of its own a bit like a not at all secret handshake for us we always do it before she goes to sleep she puts out her finger finger I touch her finger ouch super cute right well she's now taken to doing it anywhere at any time it became pretty annoying and when I tried to curb the frequency of it I was met with disaster last weekend we were at the mall when she announced loudly in a quiet jewelry store that she was going to give me the finger a little embarrassing but not too bad I told her that she can't say it like that because the finger sometimes means something bad she nods understand and the moment passes a few days later at dinner with my in-laws the handshake returns to the forefront of her mind mid-meal she says finger oh no wait that's bad she then thinks for a moment and screams daddy finger me if if I could have turned into a flock of birds and flown away forever I would have my in-laws turned bright red and stare at her I immediately say no no that's not what it's called my daughter doubles down yes finger me ouch remember ouch I nearly pass out we're now trying to rebrand the handshake as ET and ouch because Jesus Christ I can't take her anywhere too long too long didn't read my toddler desperately wants me to go to prison then we have a similar comment from Patrick on down in the comments this reminds me of when I would blow air in my son's face when he was being too loud to startle him so I could ask him not to yell one time I did this and he said don't blow me dad and I didn't do that ever again today I effed up by inhaling my tongue ring ending up pregnant and almost dead this teef who is still occurring but it started last week and that day started normal like always I went to work and when I went to lunch it turned to the worst week of my life I was sent on lunch and while I was eating my tongue ring somehow came off and instead of what I initially thought was me swallowing it the x-rays at the hospital showed it was inhaled and went to my lung since they had to do an x-ray and a cat scan I was asked if I was pregnant I told them absolutely not since I have a Paragard IUD implanted which is birth control they did blood work and then came to speak to me and told me that I was in fact pregnant I was absolutely shocked and scared I called my husband and my mom and told him the news my husband rushed to the hospital and when he got here he asked if I told him about the IUD which I hadn't yet when he told them they said after they performed the bronchoscopy they would have to immediately remove the IUD the procedure was really simple and they removed the tongue ring in 30 minutes and I was fine for the most part other than a sore throat they came and spoke to me about the pregnancy and the problems that I UD can present to it they immediately removed the IUD and told me that it was bent and slipped down which is the reason it didn't work properly after me having it for more than a year they also scheduled an ultrasound when they went in for the ultrasound they couldn't find the pregnancy which raised some concerns ultimately after 2 days of waiting in the ICU they confirmed it was an ectopic pregnancy they said the pregnancy was very early so they sent me home with a shot to kill the pregnancy and I was to follow up every two days at a clinic to make sure the pregnancy was being successfully terminated everything was all right and even though I had cramps and all other sorts of side effects as long as they weren't too severe I'd be fine I was feeling completely better Saturday morning but after a shower I suddenly felt a sharp pain on my shoulder and then severe abdominal pain that left me incapacitated I've never felt such severe pain after speaking to the clinic through the phone they told me to immediately head to the ER when I arrived they performed an ultrasound which almost made me pass out from the pain and they confirmed my pregnancy burst inside my ovary and I was bleeding internally so I'm now back home but after the worst weekend of my life I'm left out of work for at least six weeks and struggling to get a bid they said if I hadn't come in I would be dead luckily the doctors were able to save my ovary opie that story is insane somehow every sentence made it scarier than the last sentence and in a way it sounds like inhaling that tongue ring actually saved your life today I act up by complimenting a girl's skirt I was at a party and saw a girl across the room she was wearing a skirt holding a drink in one hand it had the other hand in her pocket I saw her skirt thought to myself how cool that skirt is having pockets a lot of women I know complain about not having a pocket so this is a very progressive thing a bit later I got around to talking to her I complimented her skirt and how pockets in a skirt is great she looked very confused my skirt doesn't have pockets why would you think that I mentioned that I'd seen her earlier with her hand in her pocket her face went bright red and revealed that her hand was amputated what I thought was her hand in her pocket was her stump resting against her hip I apologized immediately but luckily she thought it was funny because she never heard that comment before I'm still dying inside though then for Gaza as this story down in the comments this reminds me of one night in a festival in Bilbao when one of my friends was smoking a rolled cigarette and someone from behind asses for some tobacco my friend said yes and handed the tobacco in papers the guy clears his throat and asks quite timidly if we could roll him a couple cigarettes and my friend answers rudely dude are you missing a hand or what roll him yourself for F sake then he taps my friend's shoulder with his stump never see my friend apologizing so many times in a row today I have to by closely following a woman around a lingerie store this happened just today I a male wasn't a lingerie store with my girlfriend she was shopping for new underwear and I was just following her around bored as always staring at my phone to keep myself occupied after about five to ten minutes a man grabs my arm I turn and it's the security guard he asked me to leave and start escorting me towards the exit I'm confused about what's happening and look around for my girlfriend who I can't find apparently at some point while not paying attention to anything other than my phone I'd stop following my girlfriend who was wearing a white cardigan and black trousers and instead had started following some other random woman who was wearing similar clothes I had apparently been doing this for at least a few minutes silently standing closely behind her as she browsed underwear and following her to do it again as she tried to move away she'd alerted a member of staff with a horrified look towards them this reminds me of something similar that I once did so I don't remember the exact context but it was like just some group setting thing and I was sitting down next to my wife and just says like a normal couple thing I just put my hand her leg just as we were talking she was sitting next to me at my side then she got up and she she went to go do something and my brother sat down next to me and as I crawl like a group of us talking I just absent-mindedly put my hand down and crap my brother's leg and we both kind of looked down at my hand and then look up at each other and of course he starts laughing because he knows I made a mistake and I just sort of out of habit grabbed the leg that was meant to be my wife's leg but it was funny it happens to all of us that was our slash today I act up and unless you hit the like button then today you act up

Channel: rSlash

Views: 390,288

Rating: 4.944706 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: ZFFoVLF9yps

Length: 13min 49sec (829 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 21 2019