r/Tifu I Was Abandoned in the Arizona Desert

welcome to our slash today I act up where a guy accidentally destroys a marriage happened an hour ago on lunch so a real today I effed up for you guys on Wednesday our department head takes everyone out for a long lunch it's a special time we all look forward to in our boring 45 hour work week it's normal to carpool all together and naturally I Drive my two friend coworkers each time however this week we have a new hire just out of grad school we'll call her Sarah she's quickly picking up the pace with the rest of the office and settling in nicely while everyone is leaving the office for lunch I offer her a ride in my car with the other two and she agrees and hops in the passenger seat now here's where the first F up happens while on the way to the restaurant Sarah is picking up on the group dynamic and tagging it on some good banter everything is going smooth and then while crossing into an intersection the car in front of us get swiped by someone who thought they could make the right turn in time traffic comes to a halt and I slam on the brakes and in doing so reach out to my right to stop her from flying forward I check to see we're all good and everyone is okay while realizing I am currently full on honk and Sarah's right knocker my words start to trail off dang I hope everyone is okay that kind of sentence that time slows down in yeah amazingly she laps it off and says not to worry about it that I was just reacting to the situation for the next few minutes the car was silent until Sarah said that's funny I haven't had that much action in a while which is the mood and the car all laughed and F up number two comes from my stupid self saying ah well we all have our dry spells something I thought was innocent enough but still playing along with the banter we all had going earlier she goes quiet and the rest of the car starts chatting again we get to lunch and everything seems okay but Sarah is a little off and not as bright or talkative as she was in the morning so I asked what's up she told me she was a little uneasy at my comment in the car I instantly apologize saying I had no reason to talk about her sexuality in her private life and that I was sorry she said she didn't care about that and that it was fine it's just that it reminded her of the anniversary of her husband's death coming up next month my heart sunk I had completely forgotten about her husband I felt so bad I instantly started apologizing for everything in the world I felt horrible my friend overheard this and just was white in the face he seemed mortified to even watch this conversation Sara ended up going home early about 15 minutes ago but stopped by my desk to tell me not to worry about anything from lunch I feel so horrible that I've just been sitting here unproductive writing a reddit post to cope with it please read it helped me feel a little better too long didn't read I yanked a widow's titty of all the reddit posts I've ever read I think this is the best TL DR I've ever seen our next reddit post is from duck fluff about three weeks ago I began preparations to get a nice gift from my boyfriend who I'll call Rae to celebrate four years of dating we live in a terribly humid place and all summer he's been complaining about how sweaty his butt and balls get whenever he goes outside he's been buying the same brand of cotton boxer briefs since we started dating I thought it would be a nice homage to our great relationship a great way to take care of the but I get to squeeze on the regular to splurge on a mail subscription service to some silky micro model underwear they are pricey but known for being wicking cooling and overall very nice on the buns and balls I ordered the first pair to present to him on the day of and set up for a pair to be delivered monthly thereafter I used his email on the signup so that I could simply pass on the account to him after the first pair came that way he'd have full power to pick his colors in style every month and easily return any if they were unexpected problems one small problem the receipt for this whole transaction is now sting in his email where he can find it and spoil my surprise I sneakily hacked into his computer while he was out by which I mean I entered the password he shared with me because he foolishly trust me not to wreck his stuff and opened up his email I simply archived the existing emails and set it up so that the future emails from the company would be auto marked as read and archived as well I know how to do this because I'm a brilliant hacker I googled it while carefully double-checking my devious work just to ensure nothing slipped through the cracks a new email pinged on arrival and caught my attention a shipping confirmation for an engagement ring I immediately nope the office computer and of course I didn't open the email but the damage is done secret's out my heart fell right through my butt you guys I actually died and now I'm a ghost writing this I probably should have pretended I never saw that and taken the secret to my grave but I was too pumped and couldn't keep it in within the hour I broke down and called raid to sheepishly confess what I'd done he wasn't angry but sadly disappointed that I spoiled a surprise here's the kicker he didn't actually propose yet and still intends to make a thing of it my punishment for snooping is that the suspense is killing me I've been forbidden from telling anyone that we're getting engaged until it's officiated every time we go out the suspense that this may be the night drives me crazy a romantic date at the beach together evening ended with me saying dang I thought for sure we were getting engaged tonight why would you think I'm going to propose to you he said that sounds like something you wouldn't know about because I'd keep it secret in my personal email now he started intermittently faking me out the other day he walked into the kitchen and presented me with a little hinge box which turned out to contain a tie-pin from his work he keeps getting down on one knee looking up at me and saying got a tie this shoe the emotional stress of keeping this exciting secret than me not sharing it with coworkers or family or anyone is maddening every false start sends my heart right back into my buds one more thing I somehow screwed up the email setting the shipping confirmation for the underwear didn't get archived on arrival and he saw it within a few hours so that surprise got spoiled too turns out I'm not a master hacker and my attempts have only brought one to this house I guess it's not all bad he reports that the pair of boxer briefs that arrived are very nice to wear and I do indeed enjoy squeezing his buns in them if we ever do actually get married it'll be nice to be hitched to a guy with sweet silky buns and balls our necks right of postage from dyslexia this happened last summer we're on a road trip from New Mexico to Mexico we have a Honda Element converted for living in so I crawl in the back to nap while he's driving he stops at a gas station in the desert of Arizona and while he's pumping I get out to use the bathroom come back out don't see him and walk around the parking lot to have a look I jokingly think to myself that maybe he drove off not knowing that I got out to use the restroom but brush that off I sit on the bench outside twiddling my thumbs realizing this main how actually be the case I reach for my phone to call him but of course my phone is in the car I go back inside to ask the cashier to use their phone but she says they don't have one obviously they do but whatever so I start asking random people in the store to use their phone which makes people visibly uncomfortable because we're in the middle of nowhere and they think I'll steal it I guess I go back outside and continue asking strangers for their phone I realize I don't know my boyfriend's number by hard so I just call my phone repeatedly hoping he'll answer he doesn't I used one person's phone to log into my facebook to find my boyfriend's number but alas his phone is dead when I call I resort to explaining to everyone whose phone I asked to use my situation some don't believe me others feel really bad and one man offered to buy me a hotel room for the night in the next town over thinking that my boyfriend left me on purpose and I was just being modest it's been about two hours now this store clerks through the windows have been looking at me suspiciously for a while I'm still sitting on the bench in the desert and have no idea what to do and start bawling my eyes out a cop car pulls up and the officer comes to me and lets me know that store clerks called them because I've been lording hackling people for phones outside of their store and crying I explained my situation and she's as confused and sympathetic as all the other people she tells me I can't stay there so she can either take me to a truck rest stop in the town over or go to the police station I asked her to take me to the rest stop although she's not convinced that my boyfriend legitimately left me there on accidents we're driving down the highway when on her radio another cop says he's at the gas station and there's a guy there looking for his girlfriend I just crack up and she does two flips the car around it takes me back and there my boyfriend is standing outside of his car banging on the windows and nearly crying because he couldn't believe he'd actually done that he said he was passing some really cool scenery far into the drive and went to wake me up to see - when he realized I wasn't in the car flipped it around and drove faster than he's ever driven in his life to get back to the gas station and that he wondered why so many people kept calling me but didn't feel comfortable answering my phone he thought for sure that was the end of our relationship and the trip was ruined what I can't get over is how the gas station employees managed to dial nine-one-one without a phone our next reddit post is from eat broccoli not booty so I sometimes drive for rideshare companies to make extra cash and keep me off the couch I live in a touristy area that booms during summer months and vacation rental homes are common so common that I sometimes do pickups and drop-offs at the same homes for different people week to week and family slash friend groups of people renting the homes are the norm one particular day I dropped a guy off at a beautiful home near the beach that I had picked a guy up from just an hour or two prior so as we arrived I mentioned this to the writer hey I just picked up one of your buddies from here about an hour ago the writer says no must be the wrong house nope he walked right out of that side door I dropped him off at a local bar his girlfriend is still in there though she stayed behind I had seen her kiss him goodbye at the door but didn't mention this to the writer are you guys having a family friend vacation this is a family owned home it's been in my family for years and we don't rent it out nobody lives here but me and my wife and I've been in New York for work for the past four days awkward silence as we both come to the realization he got out and I drove away scolding myself for having such a big mouth dude that's not a today I effed up you're a hero you're sparing that dude years potentially decades of being cheated on he was bound to find out eventually our next reddit post is from Finn boy hotel and if you can't already tell from the username o P is a mail I know right it is going to get me a lot of hate for this this morning I was feeling super romantic and really wanted to hook up with a local guide to give him passionate kissing so I got to talking with a guy and even though he was a lot older like late 30s mid 40s he had a great bod and a great member so I said what the heck and invited him to my hotel room after 45 minutes to an hour of fun I thought I'd never see this dude again because I'm flying home this afternoon right now wrong I went to the gate when they started boarding guess who was pre boarding with his wife and children you guessed it to make matters worse they're just couple arose from me and I can hear all their conversations I'm in the plane right now and he keeps texting I'm saving screenshots in case I need them in the future I'm sitting here wondering how he was able to get away from his family that long he was staying at the same hotel which now just dawned on me because he made it to my room super fast this is so uncomfortable edit I'm male the wife does not know he texted me in the plane asking me to keep quiet and then also wanted to stay in touch and text me later because he now knows we live in the same city and yes you bet I saved that screenshot saved it on the phone on the cloud on emails to myself so I looked through Reddit for a post that went like today I act up by having a gay affair before I went on my flight but unfortunately I couldn't find a post like that today I have to by going to bed drunk so last night I went out as I do every Saturday when I got there I made up with my friends and started the night with a couple of beers but ended the night with a bit more than I could handle after that I went straight home and instantly fell asleep on the couch as I was trying to lay down on it just to rest for a moment I woke up at around 5:00 today and my right arm felt a bit weird it was cold and I couldn't move it at all at first I didn't panic at all because this has happened to me before because I sometimes sleep with my arm under my head however today I slept with my arm under the side of my body I've got a little over a hundred kilograms or 220 pounds with my back against the back rest of the couch after about 20 minutes of relaxing and massaging my arm with little to no signs of improvements I woke up my parents and after I explained my situation my mom who's a doctor suggested we go to the hospital immediately during my two hour stay at the hospital the arm became significantly better as the time went on however my fingers and my wrist not nearly as much as my fingers but it still felt a bit off move we're a problematic after getting some tests done on the arm nerves which I hope I never do again I waited for the results a little over an hour passes and the doctor came back with the results it appears that I've done damage to a nerve with my hip while I was asleep and will most likely never be able to fully contract my right hand fingers I'm right-handed at first the doctor didn't know how I managed to fall asleep in such an uncomfortable position but after I told him what I've done the night before he told me that this is a common thing but that it usually doesn't end up this badly now I'm sitting at home writing this one handed on my phone contemplating life just because of two beers too much awesomo pee and now I have a new fear to worry about everytime I fall asleep I'll file this one right underneath of accidentally swallowing a spider and that was our slash today I act up and unless you want to F up you had better hit that subscribe button

Channel: rSlash

Views: 486,584

Rating: 4.9471889 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: 8kuFEKvPppg

Length: 15min 40sec (940 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 03 2019