r/Tifu I Accidentally Kidnapped A Woman!

today I aft up by picking up the wrong person from the airport and getting pulled over at gunpoint by the police I live near a smaller Airport and I help out at the local Turkish community center I'm white but I go to a free dinner they do every Thursday and it's amazing so I chose to volunteer every once in a while set up take down help older people out the usual volunteer at a center thing I've met a ton of awesome people and they're a blast to hang out with so last week I was tasked to pick up an older woman flying in from Turkey as she was the guest of honor at a fundraiser they were having I was told she knew little to no English and I wasn't the first choice to go get her I was just the only one available since everyone else had bigger jobs to do they give me a sign with her surname on it her flight number and a general description of what she looked like white board in hand and a little hesitant I set off at the airport ready to get my cargo I pull up to the international gate and immediately see an Eastern European woman standing all alone I get out my sign that says Tamir and she smiles with greyjoy points at the sign points at herself and without hesitation loads her bags in the car and hops in last name check Eastern European check not much English check can't believe my luck I pull out of the airport and immediately hid in the direction of the Turkish Center with my passenger all buckled up ready for the 35 minute drive about 15 minutes into the ride she pulls out her phone and begins to rustle around she calls someone and frantically speaks in Turkish I'm thinking she left something on the plane or at home I felt bad but I couldn't do anything about it at the time I was driving in the freeway 10 minutes later I'm off the freeway and a cop passes he immediately flips out lights me up and I pull over at this point I'm freaking out and when I turn around I see the lady has uber out and upon further inspection I'm not the uber driver the cops tell me to get out and I'm taken down very fast by a plethora of cops handcuffed and put in the back of a squad car with zero information my head hurts from the slam against the ground and I'm fully aware of the kidnapping situation I'm in after about 15 minutes of the ladies screaming and Turkish to the police and other cars arriving an officer opens the door and asked me my story I asked him to use my phone to contact the Turkish centre and the lead woman comes down to explain what happened little did I know Damir is one of the most common surnames in all of Turkey so when the lady her first trip to America sees that I have her name she figures I'm the uber driver ready to pick her up she knows how to use Google Maps and saw we were headed in the opposite direction of her intended destination my heart is still going ten thousand beats a minute while another car with a friend from the center and what could be the real Damir pulls up after a discussion that I'm not a part of takes place the cops get me out of the car unhandcuff me and everyone including the kidnapped woman seems to be laughing except me I'm in disbelief as to what just happened and I definitely sweat it through my entire outfits we get back to the Turkish centre and the story spread like wildfire everyone comes up to me with a hug a laugh and a drink I got drunk drunk Oh P tragically here it seems like everyone else effed up and that you're the only person who did exactly what was expected sorry you got body slammed by the cops at least you didn't get shot though today I effed up by wearing a shawl which ruined my relationship with my girlfriend mind her background I'm a pretty affectionate and at times effeminate dude I'm 6 foot 2 and have a pretty tough guy background in that I was in Special Forces awhile ago and my roommates all served as well but I also have thin wrists and sit in my friends lap and blow kisses to them and stuff I'm not gay I'm just me so while I was in a shop with a roommate a few weeks ago he saw these really cool shawls that we both couldn't get out of our heads he returned last weekend to buy them and now we have these shawls mine makes me look like a Star Wars character and his looks like The Outlaw Josey Wales these are seriously awesome shawls the first night we wore them everybody at the dive bar we went to three dudes thought they were awesome as well then this girl and his friend arrived on invite from Shell bro and they are seriously turned off by our sweet shawls like acting pretty weird about them and making comments whatever so I get a call from my girlfriend she's tired and wants to hang out up mine and so I bid these mean girls and she'll bro adieu and hit home I'm still wearing the shawl when my girlfriend arrives and she's also really taken aback she won't even kiss me until I take it off we get to the deed and go to sleep and the next morning she starts asking me if I'm gay and she's really serious and aggressive about it I tell her I'm not that if I was I definitely know it by now and she counters with her major evidence of the fact that I own a shawl anyway she gets weird and leaves and then sends me a text later about how she's sorry that she needs to think about what kind of man she wants and then doesn't contact me for days so yesterday I invite her out she's stumbling over her words and talking about how she likes tough guys and how she grew up in the south and needs to get used to the big city but that she doesn't know this or that and eventually I just tell her very politely to get screwed because I'm pretty insulted by this point on the way back now that I'm not directly in front of her I get this long apologetic text from her but the crux of it is that yeah she's just not that into me anymore because I wore a shawl later on I tell sha bro about this and he also had a blowout with the girl he was seeing over a shawl that very same night we went out we're both gonna keep wearing the shawls though they're warm and Opie included a picture of him in a shawl and yeah I am kind of getting a Star Wars buy from this today I act up by telling someone he had something on his trailer dragging happened this morning about five hours ago I was on my way to work following a guy towing the trailer behind him I noticed some sparks coming from somewhere underneath the trailer normally I wouldn't think twice about it but I was having especially good morning and wanted to help plus he was hauling a decent-sized excavator and didn't want something to happen to it because it looked pretty new we pull up to a stoplight and I hop out of my truck to run up to him and let him know apparently he didn't see me because when I said excuse me his window was open he turned and punched me in the jaw being one who didn't want to escalate the situation I let him know about the trailer and proceeded to apologize for scaring him as I turned around to go back to my truck the light turned green the way this intersection is there's the lights we were waiting at and another light 50 feet back down the road to tell incoming traffic what the light is as it's somewhat of a blind curve as I'm walking back to my truck a woman comes around the corner and slams into the back of my truck pushing it forward into me it didn't move very fast but hit me hard enough to knock me over and crack a few ribs she think it's out and yells at me for being stopped at the intersection as I'm laying on the ground in quite a bit of pain the way she view did I was an 18 year old kid who got out of my truck to do something stupid the cops got there and she got cuffed after trying to assault one of the officers why do I have a sneaking suspicion that this took place in Florida today I effed up by relaxing too much during a sensual massage bit of backstory I started talking to a guy on Reddit last week we hit it off started texting and found out that he lives about 20 minutes for me we decided to meet for a date on Friday I have irritable bowel syndrome and stomach was feeling a bit dodgy but decided to soldier on I was also very tired the eff up so I'm at the guys house and I've made us a very nice mac and cheese there was some cuddling kissing and some banging we're then snuggling on the sofa and I feel a big fart brewing I'm hoping I can just absorb it back into my body if I hold on to it long enough we start talking about massages and the guy offers to give me one I choose I choose a relaxing oil I'm naked on my front and he's naked straddling me kind of sitting on my bum he starts rubbing my back and turns out he's good at massages I'm feeling really relaxed and start to drift off I then wake myself up with the most earth-shattering fart I have ever expelled the fart I was holding captive had burst free without vengeance displeased by the extended time in my rectum it was hella loud and it was hella long and it was right on his balls it was so forceful they vibrated his response was to tell me through tears of laughter at least you didn't mess yourself Opie you gave your date a reverse motorboat today I effed up by escaping an escape room a friend of a friend has apparently been in to escape rooms for a while now and finally decided to create his own as a Halloween party experience for his friends since I don't know him and wouldn't realistically be coming to the party I agreed to take part in a test along with three other random folks that have been gathered for the dry run it ended up being a group of four people who totally didn't know each other at all as opposed to any sort of cohesive group of friends or employees our host told us a ton of rules and guidelines don't break anything no answers are hidden or in something you have to ruin in order to see it and so on he was going to stand inside the room with us but was to be ignored as if he wasn't there this was in case we needed any direction or if we started doing something against the rules he wore a black mask and black clothing immediately at the start of the game everyone got quiet and started looking around slowly as I mentioned no one knew each other and it was really awkward I didn't want to be the guy who's super excited to lead the group and I guess they didn't either the escape room was history themed computer printed photos of historical figures and explorers on the walls a cheap dollar store style globe on an end table and so on lots of books stacked around the first thing I did was look at the combination lock on the door which had four numbered rollers I put in the first relevant number I thought of 1492 the date Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas lock opens things got a thousand times more awkward I apologize and explain the situation to the host who told me to sit down for the duration read lock the door and ask the remaining guests to figure out where the combination was hidden the host was incredibly angry but only in so much as I could hear it in his voice and see it and how he moved mainly closing Andrey locking the door hard he didn't call me out for doing an obviously brain-dead thing and didn't say anything rude soon after I decided it'd be better if I just left apologizing again honestly Oh P I wouldn't feel bad this guy seems like he just sucks at his hobby that was our slash today I act up and if you don't hit that like button then today you act up

Channel: rSlash

Views: 261,082

Rating: 4.9459596 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: YYExfuFlpKU

Length: 11min 52sec (712 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 28 2019