r/TIFU I Almost Drowned in a Lake of Human Poo

welcome to our slash today I effed up where Opie almost drowns in a lake of human poo today I have to buy almost ruining my parents marriage this happened today just a few minutes ago in fact a bit of context I got banned from tinder a few years ago for selling feet pics whoops but was recently single and wanted to get back in the game after deciding other dating apps were a little too wholesome for me I decided to go for tinder I needed a phone number that wasn't blocked so I used my mom's and then called her to get the code I figured she's like 60 and probably doesn't even know what a dating app is so no harm no foul right today we're all sitting at the table getting ready to eat breakfast and my stepdad comes out and sits down he's calm as can be as he butters his toast he glances up from his paper and says to all of us I'm packing my things and leaving this afternoon I almost spit out my orange juice my brothers start crying mom is sputtering trying to figure out what's going on she keeps asking why and he pulls out a literal printed page from the Google search results of what is tinder he hands it to my mom she doesn't even know what's going on at this point she doesn't even remember giving me the code months ago I grabbed the paper from her and read it and realized where I effed up I turned to my stepdad and let him know frantically that it was me he asks why in the world I would need to use her phone to make the accounts I scroll through my phone find an album of different angles of my feet and explain it to him he was thoroughly disgusted and went back to their room through almost tears of laughter I don't think he's still leaving but my family will never look at me the same way again too long didn't read tried to sell feed pics got banned from tinder used my mom's phone danger is afoot Opie you realize that for the rest of your life you can never wear flip-flops around your family members again today I have to buy almost drowning in a pit of human waste so this didn't happen today but a few months ago but I never told one a while back the company I was working for was tearing out and removing an old waste treatment system that was shut down in the 70s this was basically a massive underground pit where the waste solids aka number two would settle on the bottom of the chamber and the liquids would be pumped out the thing is when they shut it down it was left full of number two and is by far one of the nastiest jobs I've ever done we opened the pit by tearing off the top with equipment and we're bringing in trucks to pump out the waste the pit was about 16 feet deep and filled to the top with solids and when I'm talking solids I'm talking tons and tons of condoms and for some reason pumpkin seeds which I still don't understand to this day one weekend we had a bunch of rain when it rained we would pump the water out of the new sewer so we could remove the solids since it was the weekend and we had so much rain my boss asked me to swing by and turn the pumps on so the water didn't get out of hand so I went out to the jobsite alone to turn on the pumps and suck the water out when I got to the job site I turned the pumps on but they were clogged up I decided to walk into the structure alone and clear the palms and that is the start of my f up that almost cost me my life since I took my personal vehicle I didn't have any of my equipment so instead of using a harness I went in without one which is the first step up the structure was underground and the pit had large chambers that were broken into basically large upside-down bees that you could walk on the point which was a foot or two wide when I got down to the Pumped and was crouched down cleaning them my phone rang and I went to answer it and that was my second F up being crouched I had to turn my leg and try to get my phone out of my pocket and my foot slipped on some gravel and I slipped off the ledge and fell in at this point I wasn't really worried about anything besides the fact that I just landed in straight forty-year-old doo-doo up to my knees however when I started to move to get to the edge to get out I started to sink like I said this pit was 16 feet deep and it was like being quicksand I tried to reach for the edge but it was just out of my reach and when I tried to move again I was now a little over waist-deep at this point I was still fine yes I was covered in doo-doo but normally the city work I comes around once or twice a day to check the site so just chill there wait for him to come and he can get me out sure I'm gonna be embarrassed more than likely get in trouble but I'd be fine the thing is while I stood there still covered in Dew I noticed that I was still sinking and that's when the panic set in I couldn't wait I had to get out or I was going to die I was going to drown in 40 year-old human do my whole life had led to me drowning in Dew so I instantly tried to get out I tried to kick my way out I tried to pull myself out I tried to swim on the top of it all while sinking deeper and deeper and nothing but the thought of the absolutely crazy way that I was going to die at this point I'd sunk to my chest and I had pretty much lost all hope and I started to accept my fate and broke into a combination of hysterical laughter and cursing myself for my stupidity of going down there without a harness I finally calmed down while I'm reading the wrapper for a condom from like the 60s and I noticed a piece of rebar sticking out of one of the walls that we had started to tear down I reached out and stretched myself out more than I ever think I've done in my life and was able to grab it with every ounce of my strength I managed to pull myself free and then pull myself to the edge and get out I got out of the pit and fell on the ground and looked up the sky and laid there covered in Dew and smelling worse than I ever did in my life and laughed I was alive my story had not ended by drowning in Dew I got a found a water hose and wash myself off I threw my clothes away and drove home naked and took what was the best and longest shower of my life and never told a soul how close I came to drowning in forty-year-old doo doo Oh pee I think that story is supposed to be kind of funny but to be honest that was horrifying reading that made me really tense and anxious and at the end when you were looking up the sky laughing I couldn't help but imagine that scene in Shawshank Redemption when he finally gets out of the prison man what a story today I act up by cheating on my significant other and karma came fast this actually happened about 10 years ago and we split up because of it before I go any further I want to point out that I am fully aware of how sucky and inexcusable cheating is I was young and made a mistake that I paid for immediately this is my story so one night my roommate invited me 21 years old at the time to the beach to see a bunch of people that we knew from high school and hadn't seen since graduation we'd spent all night in the bar drinking and taking shots eventually the bar closes so me my roommate and the remaining members of our group decided to grab the coolers from our friends hotel and head towards the water to finish the night off with a few more beers and listen to the water the waves seemed to be appearing from a void this is about the time things took a turn we had been debating getting in the water but this is not very smart at night especially when you don't know the schedule at the tide plus we were absolutely wasted I was the first one to start hitting that way removing my clothes down to my underwear when one of the girls we were with Sprint's past me I turn around and everyone is naked I admit that at this point I had not even considered how my girlfriend would have felt about this and I got naked too we'd been swimming for about thirty minutes when everyone started splitting up this was during low tide so you could be quite a ways away from shore and still be waist-deep I'd come up to this sandbar with this girl that I've been friends with for years neither of us had ever realized how far away we'd straight from the group of the shore this is the moment I cheated about halfway through the deed I heard my roommate screaming our names at the top of our lungs we were the only ones left out there and the tide was coming in we made it only a few feet from the sandbar when I noticed what looked like fireflies in the water I quickly realized that these were jellyfish and they were everywhere we both frantically tried to hurry through but they just kept coming there were at least 50 to 75 that we could see suddenly I felt a sharp sting across the back of both knees I grabbed my friend by the wrist and started to pull her as I did my best run because now stuff had gotten serious I made the one mistake that every beach goer knows better than to do I decided we needed to get out immediately and climbing the rocks would help I didn't even get a single foot planted because my toe was immediately sliced open to the bone by a clam now I'm naked pouring blood and both of us had been stung all over we started back towards the beach when I doubled over in pain shooting through my dog and balls I thought I'd been bitten by something but it turns out a jellyfish had wrapped around my genitals I had never been in pain like this before when we finally got to the beach we were surrounded by all our friends who heard us screaming and had called the police because they thought we'd come across a shark it's almost 5:00 a.m. and the experience had completely sobered me up the police were surprisingly cool about the whole situation and one of them offered to walk us back to the hotel fast forward to later in the morning when my roommate had driven his home when we got home I started evaluating my injuries I definitely needed stitches but opted out because I didn't have insurance at the time my dong looked horrendous however I couldn't even believe what this jellyfish had done to it it was swollen tender and was a different shape I took a handful of ibuprofen and took a shower before passing out for the remainder of the day until the evening when I wake up to my girlfriend crawling into the bed with me my heart sank she knew I had gone out the night before and my roommate informed her of my rough night excluding the fact that I betrayed her she was there for maybe a total of ten minutes before I completely broke down and confessed but didn't tell her about the cut or the jellyfish she never looked at me never cried and left without saying anything I saw her about four years ago in a bar she approached me and asked if we could talk for a while she told me that she was never mad at me and that after some time she was just happy I was honest after the fact she noted to which I replied well I've got something else to tell you about that night that you're going to love she effing loved every second of hearing the rest of the events from that night we laughed pretty hard about it I paid for her tab and left we haven't spoken since Opie did you date the daughter of Poseidon because it seems like the ocean itself was angry about that cheating today I act up by stripping down and sexually confronting my father-in-law so this happened about an hour ago and I'm just sitting in a cafe trying to stop cringing in embarrassment I'm on vacation with my wife and her family and we arrived at the hotel today checked in and settle into our rooms a while later a few of us headed out to explore I wouldn't met up with a friend who lived in the area and ended up having a few drinks earlier while I was out I'd gotten a text from my wife saying that she was switching our room with her parents as ours had a balcony while theirs didn't which her dad went so he could smoke and that she was going out for dinner with her mom anyway I saw it said okay fine and agreed to switch key cards with him once I got back a few hours later I was a bit drunk and my friend dropped me back at the hotel the text had completely slipped my mind and so I headed to the room with the balcony where her parents were staying and thinking it was ours went right in as I went in I heard the shower running in the bathroom and feeling promiscuous I decided to give who I thought was my wife in the shower a little surprise so I stripped down completely naked and seeing that the door was slightly ajar decided to barge in so I did while also announcing quite loudly daddy's home the sight the leaf the sight that lay before me is one that'll be stuck in my mind forever my father-in-law naked in the shower looking at it in a mixture of disbelief confusion and mostly anger I froze and Fred for a second we just stood there in silence which was soon broken by him shouting what the opie at this point my plight spons kicked in and as fast as I could rushed out and dressed faster than I ever had before in my life and ran out the room since I don't have the key card for the other room and sure as hell am NOT going back to ask for it I'm now sitting at this cafe outside the hotel I am waiting for my wife to get back from her dinner as I don't really think I can explain what just happened over the phone if I can explain it without dying of embarrassment at all so yeah the family brunch tomorrow should be interesting update my father-in-law told my mother-in-law and wife and both of them pretty much died of laughter he also isn't too upset just told my wife to tell me I know who daddy is around here who promptly relayed this message to me I'm currently with the wife in our room trying to get the aforementioned image out of my mind and avoiding the in-laws at all costs then we have some great contributions down in the comments first from a Mabel I once goosed my father-in-law at a museum like got really deep in there like two Knuckles deep with a death pinch he whiffed around and my heart sank apparently he and my husband look a lot alike from behind the museum was on the waterfront seriously considered drowning myself in the river and then a post from Green prepper reminds me of a game I saw played at a wedding where the bride who was blindfolded had to pick her new husband out of the line of groomsmen and other family members by only feeling their butts after some pretty intimate research she declared she had found her hubby she pulled her blindfold off and found her face to face with her father-in-law today I effed up by making such a disgusting smell from my butt it evacuated a courtroom so this happened about five hours ago so today I woke up and had really painful cramps due to the deadly woman's monthly cycle mixed with some spiced chicken that hadn't set right in my belly all night I go to the toilet about three times before work this morning but it's eased off a bit so I take tablets grin and bear it and then leave for work now my job is working within the prison system and escorting prisoners to certain places including courts this is where it all went downhill I had to escort this prisoner over to the witness box and stand next to her in open court so I do my usual but my tummy has started to really hurt again I'm trying my absolute best to put off a fart which I know is brewing but can't hold it much longer so I do a really silent one and pat myself on the back thinking I'd gotten away with it that is until the prisoner starts coughing and retching and shouting what the f is that I quickly realize what it must be but can't admit to such a foul putrid smells so I start crinkling my nose as well as gagging the admin clerk walks slightly closer and wretches so hard she had to swiftly put her head in the bin by this pond by this point it's getting loud and chaos is starting to ensue not what you want in court in front of the district judge he quickly tells me to take the prisoner back over to the closed dock and states it must be the pipes he stands down the whole of the court and makes maintenance come in to check all pipes for leaks cracks anything that could have made that smell happen the prisoner still has a fire has watery eyes I'm pretending to gag and the clerk is sipping water next to a bucket o pee it's inhumane to torture prisoners what's wrong with you that was our slash today I act up and if he don't subscribe to my channel then you definitely effed up

Channel: rSlash

Views: 316,127

Rating: 4.9391751 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: r47gEL_dWas

Length: 17min 0sec (1020 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 13 2020