r/TIFU By Getting THIS Stuck in my Ear for 13 Years!

welcome to our slash today I effed up where Opie leaves a rock stuck in his ear for 13 years today I aft up by pranking my girlfriend yesterday I decided to prank my girlfriend by pretending to be my twin brother super random I know but I've always wondered if I could fool her into thinking I was him it was time so there I was approaching my house and ringing my doorbell completely in character I was wearing torn denims and converse sneakers the complete opposite of what I normally wear but exactly the style to match my bro I was walking like him talking like him sounding like him heck even smelling like him my girlfriend eventually opened the door and saw deep fake me standing there regardless of how well-prepared I was to play my twin brother the moment I locked eyes with my girlfriend I expected her to see right through my facade she stared at me confused at first I wasn't sure if that was because she knew it was me or because she was surprised to see it's my brother there was only one way to find out I said hi and dropped thee I was in the neighborhood line my girlfriend suddenly pulled me inside and slammed the door shuts are you out of your effing mind showing up here like this uh thought I'd visit and I thought we agreed to stop seeing each other what do you mean what the f do you mean what do I mean whatever that stuff was between us it's over go home to your fiance enough it's me your boyfriend's you don't know when to give up do you I showed her my ID I'd never seen so many mixed emotions flash across her face until that moment at first she tried to play it off like she was in on the act all along and this whole interaction was nothing more than a cheating girlfriend narrative she fabricated on the spot just to mess with me I wasted no time calling my brother and effing forcing a confession out of him this mother effer admitted to seeing my girlfriend on and off behind my back for months when that call ended so did my relationship with both of them this is like all those clickbait YouTube videos hilarious prank on my girlfriend gone wrong gone sexual today I effed up by putting a rock in my ear then leaving it for roughly 13 years bit of context I was a fairly dumb nine-year-old at the time this happened I'm 26 now well it begins in a smallish outside family gathering on my dad's side my parents split up some few years earlier and my mom had primary custody and I had spaced myself from the other children and took a refuge beneath the adult table it's where I got to hear all the awful rumors and jibber jabs so why not write while I said amongst the rubble and dirt I had this amazing idea to put bubbles in the ridge of my ear now and again and treat them individually like a car on a racetrack again I wasn't bright well I drove one of those stones right into my ear canal that said I flipped out at the idea that this object slid into my ear and suddenly I can't remove it not a single adult was even aware I was under the table by this point because of course all the brats were locked in the backyard so when this screech of Terror left my mouth all that was heard otherwise would have been knees against the table and dining where clattering I lost my mind my dad yanked me up and immediately took me to the bathroom and started the hydrogen peroxide treatment to the ear assuming it was just a panic attack and that it was earwax agitating my eardrum or something probably not the most keen reaction but the thought process was sound whatever really either way after what seemed like hours him his mother brothers and sisters reassured me it was fine saying it probably fell out and that I was overreacting okay sure let's skip ahead a bit it was roughly a two-year span between 14 and 16 and I'm in high school this is where the real fun begins equilibrium issues emerged sprinkles of lost balance mostly I could no longer submerge my head in water for more than a few seconds high and low pressures made me sick plus general discomfort over little things like showering sleeping traveling was a nightmare really I get to thinking about things and grab a simple paper clip and Bend it straight putting a little loop on the end before fishing around my ear for that imaginary rock I had long ago forgotten all I hear is scrapes skirt Shh I'll admit I immediately started to panic before running out to my mom who rightfully rushed me to the hospital while demanding why she hadn't been told up until now that's another topic entirely well wouldn't you know though the doctor said I was faking examined my ear and said I just had compacted earwax and was likely trying to get out of school right it was probably June at the time my mom didn't really believe him but I decided balls to it let's get some hydroperoxide because f hospitals really skip along the years a bit more I am 18 and I know for a fact there's something in my freakin a head I'm losing it so I hit the hospital again and this time the doctor outright states there's definitely blockage I'm not sure if it's a rogue but I can certainly try to help so this professional pulled out this gnarly looking pair of scissor hemostats and gets to just having an absolute way with my ear canal trying to get a grip on this smooth object it was audio torture hands down rubbing Steele's - granted but centimeters from your eardrum and this went on for at least four minutes until my ear began to bleed lightly the end results you'll need to see a specialist the specific type eludes me but basically it was the same guy that removes peanuts from Toddlers nasal cavities I'll admit right now my choices here forward were super dumb the sight of my ear bleeding has sent me off the deep end and I began refusing all help entirely only trying to remove it myself from that point on and truthfully just torturing myself when I reflect back let's time jump one last time I'm 22 couple of months away from 23 I have a wonderful girlfriend things are great but headaches have developed in our reoccurring thing however my balance issues have been basically worked out great but now out of the blue I'm losing hand-eye coordination well man you know I attributed it to the rock in my effing skull I lost it yet again and went on a rampage this time demanding my girlfriend give me all her dental and dermal tools so that I could dig this chunk of Earth out myself this was the beginning in some sense to my 20-minute conquest to become a pro surgeon and I locked myself away to be alone working and prodding these weird little hooped rods around my ear mostly loosening wax and grinding against the round sides of the admittedly small stone eventually the rods in slipped absurdly close to my eardrum and wrapped around the rock in an instant I froze but my heart began pounding through my chest jackpot now you see this is a difficult feeling to explain in person let alone through text the pain from pulling this earwax lathered object from my ear canal was like a migraine shifting from my left ear to my right while in the same sins it felt like I was passing a kidney stone from my skull all in all two out of ten wouldn't do again but now it's totally out and I've put it away in a ziplock bag I had no real recovery issues I guess as soon as the rock was out my hearing was incredible in the one year for an entire day now it just rings occasionally my balance won't ever be the same I feel but it's fine enough as is otherwise underwater swimming is a no-go I have minor sensitivity to changing atmospheric air pressure still and I get occasional headaches around the right side of my head not a bad trade out honestly Opie I feel sorry for you it sounds like all the adults and experts in your life when you were a kid basically failed you time after time after time if I were in your shoes I probably have an aversion to doctors - today I effed up by starting small talk with a kind little dude on the subway yesterday I got into a subway train around rush hour so it was quite packed I squeezed in with my brother and find a spot to stand I noticed a little dude about six or seven and the scene next to where I'm standing squish up against his mother to make room for me he looks up and smiles his eyes inviting me to sit down next to him as a larger human six-foot-three almost 200 pounds the tiny half a seat that he'd opened up wouldn't quite fit me though I couldn't let his kindness going notice so I decided to have cheek it to be sure he understood what he did was really nice as I sat down I thanked him for making room and told him I really appreciated the gesture we high-fived and in hindsight I should have ended it there I noticed he had his backpack with him so I asked how school was that day he told me it was just alright then I asked the fatal question do you have a lot of homework over the weekend he let me the stranger know he had a big math packet that he had to get done unfortunately for him his mother was listening to our conversation her eyes lit up when he told me about the packet she yelled oh boy you told me you finished that yesterday guess who doesn't get to play his video games this weekend you you little liar his head sunk into his chest as did mine right along with him a few stops later his mom dragged him off the train by his little jacket he looked back at me as they departed a look that said bro I thought we were cool how could you do me like that his look of betrayal is gonna haunt me for days hang in there little buddy one weekend may seem like an eternity at your age but time flies today I effed up by complimenting a co-worker on his weight loss I have a co-worker that works in a separate department in my old position we had to communicate fairly regularly but since changing positions I rarely see him it's been about a year and a half since I've seen him and I was surprised to see him in my area today he's lost about a hundred pounds so I thought it would be a nice gesture to recognize and complement him I said it was good to see him again and rather enthusiastically told him he looks great and to keep up the hard work he responded with a cold smile said it was nice running into me and just continued walking we aren't incredibly closed but we usually stop for small talk which I was completely expecting as IO qward least oould in the hallway when I got back to the office I brought up the weight loss to my office made and said our co-worker really looked great and he was inspiring my officemate sombrely responded that he was diagnosed with cancer and has been losing the weight loss because of that whoops today I act up buying my son's Halloween candy away from him my kids go trick-or-treating we live in a great candy neighborhood so every year they come home with a hundred to two hundred pieces when they're young we tell them Santa brings every boy and girl a present on Halloween and the more candy you leave them the better present he'd leave in exchange when the kids get old enough to realize Santa is a hoax that's when we start paying in cash 25 cents per piece did this with our oldest - and it worked great they'd give up about 3/4 of their candy and buy a toy our third kid is eight this year so called us out on the santa thing we explain the New Deal he said so then it's my money and I can buy whatever I want with it a new skateboard even anything you bet swear yep he goes and brings us all his candy even every KitKat his favorite I was shocked but he'd been saving for a skateboard for a bit so he must have decided to go all-in to push his savings over the edge kidding all the sugar out of his room was the best case scenario easiest 31 dollars and 75 cents I'd spent all week next day I brought the candy to work then we went to Walmart after school and the kids ran to pick out their stuff we met at the checkout there's my son who's rated the clearance aisle and found 200 kid cats for $10 I started to tell him to put it back but he said what you said I could buy whatever I wanted you swore I want my candy back then his candy had already been eaten by my co-workers and I did swear and we put a lot of emphasis on the importance of keeping your word so my son has almost twice as much candy as he would have had from just keeping his trick-or-treating and a new skateboard I don't know who's more pissed my wife that this plan backfired so horrific Lee or his older brothers that they never thought to do this I feel like when this kid is 40 he's gonna be a multi-billionaire that was our slash today I act up and unless you hit that like and subscribe button you have definitely effed up

Channel: rSlash

Views: 456,392

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: jENrvBVFC6Y

Length: 13min 7sec (787 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 12 2019