r/TIFU Drinking Peanut Butter Put Me In the Hospital!

welcome to our slash today I act up where Opie almost kills himself with peanut butter today I act up by convincing my entire apartment building a velociraptor was on the loose I was a student studying at a big university that had some large luxury apartment buildings nearby for students to live in after their freshman year in my building there were around 400 apartments across eight floors I lived in one of these apartments with three roommates modern gym stainless steel appliances nice place the F up starts with me not wanting to drink my face off for once on a Saturday and wake up the next morning feeling like a train wreck and instead wanting to have a quote wholesome night of fun so instead of going out I decided to post signs around the building that a dinosaurs specifically a velociraptor was on the loose harmless right I spent some time putting this flyer together attention blank apartment residents regarding Velociraptor attack it has come to our attention that on the 20th of December 2013 an unknown resident of floor 7 was fatally mauled by what we presumed to be a Velociraptor Velociraptor Mongolian says colloquially known as a Raptor sightings have also been reported on floors 2 5 & 8 we offer our condolences to anyone who may have been affected by this tragic occurrence we urge all residents to be on the lookout for suspicious Raptor activity things to look for include but are not limited to bloodstains large reptilian tracks loud reptilian growling and/or hissing Velociraptor mating call Velociraptor urine stains and excrement please maintain extreme caution at all times velociraptors are fearless deadly creatures we urge you to ask security for Velociraptor repellent or to report any suspicious activity I figured people would laugh about it then I walked down to the apartment buildings Lobby to use their free printing and make about a hundred copies finally starting at about 9:00 p.m. I spent the next two hours posting the sign on various doors around the building for better or worse it was Saturday and people were getting drunk about halfway through my adventure as I was getting into the elevator to change floors I saw a girl dressed to go out makeup done on the phone with someone tears streaking her mascara as she struggled to convey to someone that there had been a full Ola Raptor attack and that she didn't know what to do me at the time thought this was really funny and kept going and ultimately after posting my hundred flyers I went back to my apartment watched him TV and went to bed that's Sunday I spent most of my time doing a homework and not leaving my room on Monday while in class my roommates group text lit up with does anyone know what this is it was a pile of four notices of lease violation suggesting someone had caused a quote disturbance on the property and that there would be a fine me being fairly young I got spooked bounced from class and biked to my apartment to take care of it I grabbed the notices and went to the leasing office I'll shorten it immensely but the conversation can be summarized as such hi I got these notices in my apartment today about causing a disturbance I was wondering what it's about the apartment agent says oh so it's you he calls out to someone outside his office get in here other apartment agent it's the dinosaur boy the other apartment agent a guy trying too hard to be serious do you know what you did last night yeah I just posted some funny and clearly harmless signs that there was a dinosaur on the loose also it was just me so don't include my roommates here okay just you but it was neither funny nor harmless do you know how many calls security god I had parents calling in demanding to know about the situation we had students asking if there was a bunker to hide in me a little bewildered the sign said velociraptor dinosaur clearly extinct it was just a joke how did people take that seriously look I know velociraptors have been dead for over 10,000 years but you caused a disturbance and I still have to find you uh-huh 10,000 years man there would be no winning with this guy I asked him what the fine was a hundred bucks ran back up to write a check and paid it no they apparently knew it was someone in my apartment who posted the signs by following security footage to this day I wonder how many fully functioning adults at prestigious universities think velociraptors are real that they aren't dinosaurs but are instead a vicious reptile that people illicitly kept his pets or that you couldn't go see at the zoo I also occasionally wonder about the panic I caused thinking about the girl who was likely on the phone with her parents and all her parents probably heard were someone died on the loose don't know what to do I still laugh about it clearly Opie the next step would have been to get one of those inflatable t-rex costumes and run down the hall terrorizing all the drunk college students today i effed up by accepting a proposition for a threesome it's a perfect summer night in 2018 I'm leaving a job that I hate with my life freshly broken up with ready to throw on my leather and passionately hug anyone in arms reach I turn up to my local watering hole right before 1 a.m. toss back a couple beers and post up alone on the outskirts of the main bar last call rings out the bar is mobbed I lock eyes with a moderately attractive girl who approaches me shortly after she's equal parts drunk and horny and doesn't hesitate to let me know she's celebrating a friend's birthday with the squad of girls one of whom sidles up to us and starts hitting on me hard moderately attractive girl is totally fine with this and the friend would land her on the higher end of the BMI chart leading me to believe I'm being hit with a bait-and-switch they swiftly disproved that theory by literally asking if I want both of them worth noting that this is the only time I've been anywhere near a threesome before or since so I jumped at the chance next thing I know we're in a cab on the way back to whoever's house the birthday pregame was there is alcohol everywhere they're feeding me shots and cold buffalo chicken dip like it's my last day on earth some girl is crying on the couch my drunk self picks up the signal that an ex-boyfriend is the cause of the girl sorrow having been recently broke up with I know exactly where her head is at having done far too many shots I'm not scared to console this crying stranger soon I will be a head vice-champion and passionately hug every girl in the house I launch into my speech hitting every point she so desperately needs to hear you're so much better than him he obviously doesn't deserve you you'll look back and laugh at this in a month I'm now starting to notice that the cheers and applause I was waiting for are actually all deaths tears even if you drop jaws as it turns out the girl's boyfriend didn't break up with her no he effing died the guy died in a car accident and I'm telling her she'll be laughing about it in a month nobody passionately hugged anybody that night and then we have the perfect reply from giraffe factory down in the comments nobody act anybody that night that's clearly untrue you after yourself our next reddit post is from argon Pro this just happened a couple hours ago just a bit of context to start out I'm moving into a flat with some great people in a couple of months and they invited me around for a few drinks as it was one of their birthdays it was a bunch of about 20 of us and it was kind of a who-knows-who type situation it was a great time everyone was getting along well quite a few drinks dancing the usual stuff I met this girl named Jess not her real name and we got talking and she had the most amazing teeth and smile I've probably ever seen fast forward a couple hours and we're all hitting home I'm pretty bad with women so classic me I don't make a move and just start walking home it's about a 20-minute walk across town so nothing too bad but not ideal we leave at the same time and we found out we kind of walk halfway home and split ways there we're stumbling along with some playful banter and she jokingly tries to trip me up I'm drunk but not that bad so I managed not to slam the concrete in return I jokingly trip her up and here's the F up she falls like a 20 meter tall tree straight as a pole and slams the concrete I feel so bad and instantly picked her up she has a bloody nose and I'm freaking out because I just slammed this gorgeous girl into the ground she gets up asks is her face okay and as she says it I see her two front teeth are both missing my heart sank I felt terrible never felt so bad in my life I let her know the situation and she bursts out crying I call an ambulance and we get to the emergency room where we sit for four hours waiting to be seen to be eventually told go home and go to see the dentist tomorrow in the four hours we did get to know each other relatively well considering the situation I had a mixture of feeling terrible but also how the F just has happen you only ever hear of these stories I pay for the taxi home as it's the least I can do and she invited me in for a tea with her face still left up we chat for a couple hours about random stuff and as I leave I say it'd be cool to hang out sometime and she actually agrees to it but once her face is in better shape so when Opie gets back to his apartment all the guys they're alike so I saw you go home with that girl did you smash and the guy wink sentiment is like yeah I smashed our necks reddit post is from the gym scout so let's prep is this there's an episode of Two and a Half Men where Jake melt a jar of peanut butter into liquid then he offers Charlie some so I'm at my friend's house called the friend mason and we're watching reruns of the show we see that fateful scene and Mason things would be a good idea to dare me to drink peanut butter two things before we proceed one our dares are intense but we never refuse them too while it's apparently weird I despise peanut butter nothing I'm allergic or anything but I really hate this stuff knowing that refusing the Dare is not an option or else I'm going to get pranked to no end over it I decide we should just get it over with now so my friend hands me the tallest coffee mug he owns and says get to scooping while he laughs in my face once he's made me fill the cup with peanut butter he puts it in the microwave for like one and a half minutes and then motions for me to get the cup before it hardens here's where my ephah begins I drink coffee often so I'm not very careful about it being hot and assume it's much cooler than my typical coffee as I heat that thing up for about two minutes or more before I drink it one minute is nothing to me and seeing as I'm not trying to taste this disgusting flavor of nutty origin I try to slam it down as fast as possible actually the biggest mistake of my life as not only just peanut butter heat up much faster than a typical liquid it's very thick and insanely sticky it was like Satan came in my mouth but it was stuck there and I couldn't get it out my friend is still laughing his butt off and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs as he goes further into my throat and I begin choking on the molten liquid itself at this level I'm thinking I'm choking on lava and I really hope I don't die because of the one time I eat peanut butter in my suffering I finally stammer out take me to the ER and his face immediately changed I go for the milk we have in the fridge so I can walk out the door but lucky me we have not one drop of milk nor any other liquid other than f'ing a1 sauce so I grab the sprayer in the kitchen sink and start blasting it in my mouth so as to mitigate the damage but I can already tell that I've got some pretty severe burns flash-forward to the hospital and thanks to my idiocy I have second-degree burns all over my mouth and throat and after almost a week I'm still in constant pain I can't taste anything except pain I have burns on and around my tongue my gums the roof of my mouth my throat and can barely sleep due to the intensity of the pain f my life and F peanut butter never drink it or you'll end up like me [Music] this comment from failure in space that sounds like a pretty nutty thing to do please don't hurt me today I aft up by unwrapping a condom so at university as a part of their safe sex promotion we get given condoms in our welcome to university packs for students who live in the university run accommodation I'd always Chuck these in my drawer for quote future use if the situation requiring them ever arose it never has and so I took them home over summer and they've been sitting in my drawers at home ever since anyway I want inter semester break right now so I a 19 year old male was back home and poking around in my old stuff found some of them I decided I'd open the wrapper since I'd never actually used one before or tried putting one on my parents took me out of sex I had for religious reasons and I thought it might be good to try one on and try passionately hugging myself with it so I promptly opened a wrapper as I discovered and the majority of the sexually active population probably no condoms come kind of lubed already and for whatever reason I took a smell since I could natella smelled weird when I did this I realized that I had not only smelt this sin before but knew exactly how it tasted I have memories of chewing on uninflated balloons quite a lot when I was younger same with rubber bands and the one memory in particular which became very vivid was of finding a balloon in my parents room and happily chewing on it except now I realize it wasn't a balloon and was in fact a used condom I felt pretty sick then I wish I could delete memories and that I never remembered or realize this that was our / today I effed up and unless you want to be a total eff up hit that subscribe button

Channel: rSlash

Views: 437,052

Rating: 4.9501858 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: q30pcAsAhfg

Length: 16min 28sec (988 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 21 2019