r/TIFU I Accidentally Hatched 1,000s of Black Widow Spiders In My Bedroom! 🕷️

welcome to r slash today i f'd up where opie helps a naked lady escape the police today i effed up by giving my dog his allergy pills for three years in peanut butter i have a five-year-old dog i've had him since he was three months old i love him to death he's an amazingly playful dog a jack russell a few years ago he started developing really itchy red skin on his toes and the poor pup would constantly lick his toes to the point that he was making them almost hairless i took him to the vet they said it was allergies and prescribed a medication at 60 bucks a month we've been buying this medication form ever since occasionally skipping a few weeks and using a mini dose of benadryl until he purchased more allergy pills the pills helped in that he wasn't constantly licking his toes all the time but he would still lick them so it wasn't a surefire solution let's say 80 cure now on to the screw up we tried giving him the pills with nothing and he just puts them in his mouth and spits them out so we started putting them in a little bit of peanut butter which he looks off a spoon a few weeks ago he ran out of peanut butter so he used jello instead it worked just as well because he swallowed it right up over the next few days we did the same thing and he wasn't licking his toes at all light bulb we took our dog to the vet to get an allergy test which we should have done from the start test result my dog is allergic to peanut butter we've been giving him his allergy pills dipped in the substance that he's allergic to he's a happy dog now with no more itchy toes the funny and tragic thing about this story is that the peanut butter probably also irritated his mouth it's just that opie never realized it the dog certainly would have though so every time the peanut butter came out the dog must have thought to himself well this is gonna hurt but it just tastes so damn good back in college i actually had a friend who was extremely allergic to peanuts and one time on his birthday he got a package from his mom so we go together to pick it up and his mom sent him peanut butter cookies and i was like what on earth man is your mom just messing with you doesn't she know that you're allergic to peanut butter and he was like yeah she knows but her peanut butter cookies are so good sometimes the pain is worth it today i effed up by misunderstanding a text from my wife thinking my kid had thrown up and missing out on passionate hugging the other night my wife and i were getting ready for bed and being kind of flirty i had to use the restroom so i stayed downstairs while she went up to bed while i was sitting on the toilet i got a text bring a bucket and a mop oh man one of my kids must have thrown up i finished my toilet business and went down to the basement to check on the cleaning supplies i found a bucket but couldn't find a mop i found one of those squeezy sponge things but the sponge was missing figuring the vomit was probably congealing by this point i just i just grabbed the bucket and a bunch of paper towels and ran upstairs i got to the upstairs bathroom and found no mess i carried the cleaning supplies down to my kids room but found no i carried the cleaning supplies down to my kids room but found no vomit i went to our bedroom and found my wife laying on the bed she asked what had taken me so long and i said i couldn't find a mop and where was the mess she started rolling around on the bed laughing suddenly i realized bring a bucket and a mop was a line from [ __ ] my wife had been in the mood and i spent 15 minutes looking for a mop in the basement she was laughing so much that the mood was basically dead down in the comments just to me says now i'm wondering what you would have done if she had texted there's some [ __ ] in this house instead today i effed up by saving a topless woman from drowning my wife kids in-laws and i had just returned from a pontoon cruise for the evening it was later than usual so i sent the wife up on the golf cart with the kids and in-laws to get some dinner while i covered the boat about halfway through covering up the boat i noticed someone halfway across the cove in the water all on their own and she appeared to maybe be in distress she wasn't making progress swimming one way or the other and was occasionally going underwater there were people on the opposite shoreline yelling at her but i couldn't tell what they were saying i yell asking if she needs help and she says yes i call my wife and tell her to come down in the car someone's in the water and needs help i'm going in i might need help getting the person out i put on a life jacket and grab the throw cushion from the boat i swim out to the person and pass off the throw cushion she appears out of breath the first thing she says to me is i'm topless i respond with um okay but are you okay i also immediately think to myself my friends are never gonna believe this and what is my wife going to think with a topless woman swimming to shore with me she then says that she's running from her boyfriend who's messed up she also asked if it was shallow enough to touch the ground yet but it wasn't i help her to the dock where my wife meets us she tells my wife i'm sorry but i don't have a shirt on again my wife just asked if she's okay and she tells us the boyfriend story again sure enough as she gets out of the water she's topless but she's carrying a white t-shirt that she quickly throws on she then immediately begins running to shore at the same time we notice a pontoon cruising towards our dock yelling at us at first i think this must be her boyfriend chasing her and we're in the middle of some domestic dispute they quickly get closer and i realized it's two sheriff deputies who flagged upon toondown to carry them across the lake as they were jumping onto the dock we noticed the girl had just jumped into our golf cart and was riding away with it apparently she was allegedly involved in a string of burglaries and the boyfriend she was running away from was the cops i had unknowingly aided her swim across the lake to escape and she used our golf cart as a getaway the cops chased her for a while through the night tracking her down once more but she escaped again we looked all day for the golf cart today with no luck i notified insurance of the theft around lunch about an hour ago someone notified us through social media that it was parked behind a house and a neighborhood over so we recovered the card and it seems okay the cops put more warrants out for the suspect and are still looking for i feel like this had to have happened in florida right this is like the most florida story i've ever heard in my life today i effed up by realizing a girl had the most obvious lesbian crush on me five years too late i'm currently a 22 year old female and i used to be acquainted with another girl my age we were both about 17 at the time it was a typical friend of a friend's situation i'm bisexual and thought she was really cute but never once thought that she could possibly be into girls as well least of all me my self-esteem was extremely low around that age and i did all kinds of mental gymnastics to explain away oliver flirting i once saw her at the grocery store and she became really shy and didn't approach me she was very shy in general but later that day she sent me a message saying something like i saw you at the grocery store today you look cute but the absolute boldest move that i completely ignored was valentine's day when we hung out as a group with our friends and she walked over to me and gifted me a hint so broad i can't explain how the rapper didn't burst she had made me handmade heart-shaped chocolates and put them in a small transparent gift bag there was only one other thing in the gift bag the only thing in the universe that could be gayer than heart-shaped chocolates from one gal to another a little paper card with some kind words on it and printed on the other side was a picture a manga panel from the look of it of two girls holding hands and my only thought was wow what a nice girl i have to be really careful not to develop a huge questioner since she couldn't possibly be into me she probably felt bad for me on valentine's day because i'm so single and unfortunate looking those straight girls can really lead you on without meaning to today i looked back on this situation with horrified realization as facebook told me that she got married recently to a woman my heart goes out to you op because you have now experienced what pretty much every other guy on planet earth experiences on a regular basis most guys get complimented by women so infrequently that when one actually happens we don't know what to do with it today i effed up by making an old lady think that i roofied my girlfriend me and my girlfriend were out on a walk yesterday enjoying the finish autumn we decided to go to a local bakery before heading home the bakery sells great hot chocolates and other treats we got in and ordered two hot chocolates my girlfriend is lactose intolerant so having milk makes her feel sick but she's able to enjoy it with no problems if she has lactase enzyme capsules before eating anything with milk in it the bakery was empty apart from us and an older lady sitting a few tables from us as we were waiting for our order my girlfriend had to use the restroom so she left for a while our drinks arrived in the meantime my girlfriend uses lactase enzyme capsules that can be opened and sprinkled on top of the food and drink before eating it or consumed as is my girlfriend finds it opening them and adding them straight to the food works best for her i was carrying her stuff in my pocket so i decided to mix her pills in her drink before she came back so it could take its time to dissolve properly i opened the pill poured the stuff inside her hot chocolate mix it in and didn't think much of it the old lady left and i was sitting there alone now my girlfriend was taking a while and i started wondering if everything was fine a while later my girlfriend looking like she was holding in laughter came back to the table with the old lady the lady looked at me with a stern panicked look on her face and asked me what i put my girlfriend's drink i was confused and it took me a while to process the question then i realized how suspicious i must have looked a guy out with a girl taking a pill from his pocket and mixing the contents of it in her drink while she was in the bathroom and that's exactly what the lady sitting a few tables away from us all i'm an anxious guy so i panicked and frantically started explaining everything to the ladies showing the package for the pills and everything my girlfriend confirmed what i was saying but the lady was still having a hard time believing it she had called the cops and we had waited for them to show up and explain the situation to them i felt extremely awkward and embarrassed the old lady was in a bit of a shock but eventually she believed everything was okay and left in the end we were able to laugh about the situation i'm really glad that that lady actually took action and i did thank you for trying to help the situation like that it's good to know that people look out for each other today i effed up by hatching a nest of hundreds of baby black widow spiders in my bedroom a couple of weeks ago my five-year-old daughter found a black widow mom in her egg sack she wanted to look at it so i very carefully scooped it up into a jar twist it on the top and went around it with duct tape for a good measure my daughter begged to let them hatch as she could watch them and this seemed to be decent science homeschooling after which point i planned to put them in the freezer for a somewhat humane death what's the harm i thought they're sealed up well well guess what they weren't the jar i used was plastic and something that toys had come in there were small holes in the bottom and sides barely visible smaller than a hole punch but plenty big for a baby black widow so today we're going about our lives when my daughter notices a tiny spider i kill it then there's another and another i start to think oh no i grabbed the jar to find the egg sac has indeed hatched with hundreds of tiny little venom weapons but i see with relief the duct tape is still there there's no way they could have gotten out until i look at my hand in the moment that i was holding the jar one crawled onto my hand at which point i noticed the holes i screamed said some words that definitely shouldn't be set in front of a five-year-old and wanted to fling away the jar but managed to hold on to it in fear that tossing it would further distribute its murderous contents now my child is playing outside while i furiously vacuum clean and wash every surface god have mercy op if that happened to me there is no coming back i think i just have to sell the house today i effed up by giving my mom my old airpods i won airpods in a raffle a couple of months ago and decided to give them a try last night overall i wasn't a fan of them and prefer to use my wired earphones i asked my mom if she wanted them and she gladly accepted i worked nights and got home around 6 30 am this morning i get to my room and decide to relieve some stress before i fall asleep i turn on a video and get to work halfway through the sound stop so i tried turning up the phone oh no halfway through the sound stop so i tried turning up the volume with no success as i'm trying to figure out why the sound stopped i see the tiny earphone symbol in the corner of my screen i quickly realized that my mom i quickly realized that my mom is getting ready for a morning walk and put the airpods in her ears and heard my video on full blast later that day she gave me back the airpods and said she didn't like them either op i hope and prayed that it wasn't one of those stepmom videos today i effed up by telling my girlfriend's family that we needed the living room for passionate hugging my girlfriend who's now my wife and i were spending time with her family at her grandma's house her grandma had a nintendo wii at the time and my girlfriend's brother would have been 5 years old as you can expect he always wanted to play the wii and any mention of it would guarantee his excitement and begging for inclusion it was nearly the little guy's bedtime and i whispered to my girlfriend you want to play the wii when your brother goes to bed she said yes and we were excited for him to go to bed since the wii was located in the family living room i decided i would sneakily let the family know that we were reserving the tv for an epic match of wii tennis i approached my girlfriend's mom uncle and grandma and said if you guys don't mind we'd like to use a living room once a little guy goes to bed silence you know for a three letter word her family made faces that i will never forget as they thought of a different three letter word that i wanted to partake in with their beloved daughter slash granddaughter niece in the living room i realized my mistake after a good 10 seconds of funny faces being thrown my way and i fumbled over my explanation of oh dear god i meant we want to play the wii i imagine after that that the family of op's girlfriend was immediately relieved and then opie and his girlfriend come into the living room and opie pulls his pants down and when her family is like what are you doing he says what i said she wanted to play with my wii that was our slash today i f'd up and if you like this content then check out my patreon where i publish episodes that were banned from youtube also be sure to hit that subscribe button because i put out new reddit videos every single day

Channel: rSlash

Views: 269,087

Rating: 4.9483628 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: AEtedAQ-KOo

Length: 14min 56sec (896 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 27 2020