r/TIFU I Accidentally Glued My Buttcheeks Together 🍑

welcome to our slash today I effed up where Opie accidentally glues his butt cheeks together before a date today I F tup I'm an idiot this happened Saturday night but I only realized the F up yesterday so I'm a bartender at my university bar and since it's spooky season we are having events constantly Saturday night was a costume party slash contest I was working 9:00 to 3:00 a.m. the event was 10:00 to 2:00 a.m. for context so I'm running my butt off the barbacks are sprinting about there's a good seven hundred people in the bar big bar two stories we party right in the great white north so I'm really not paying attention to faces just pour the drinks as fast as possible and watch for drunks who need to be cut off 1:00 a.m. rolls around and there's a bit of a lull in the crowd it goes down a bit and I've got a minute to grab a bottle of water then I noticed this little brunette who's just hanging out at the bar without a drink so as a bartender I go hey cutie what can I get you she looks at me leans across the bar effing winks at me touches my arm and says how about a ride home my dumb think it's one of the barbacks to call her a cab it didn't click at the time in my head what happened cuz it was only like 1:00 a.m. and I work till 3:00 right over my head so dear smoking-hot girl who I don't know the name of I apologize for being dense as a wall I'm working all week please come try again today I afta by being excited for a job offer I've been in a rut this year with my current job in education slash ASD slash behaviors there's been a lot of bureaucracy with upper-level decision-making that has resulted in constant staff out I applied last week for a better position somewhere else I get an interview for an amazing new job better pay more autonomy the works I crush the interview with her team of people it would as well as it could all of my answers were a thoughtful and poignant they responded with lots of positive body language smiles and head nods at the end of the interview the top guy walked me out the door stopped me and shook my hand as he was shaking my hand and he told me how impressed they all were with me and said I'm gonna tell the administration that I want you overwhelmed with excitement and surprise I looked him right in the eyes and blurted out I want you to update I have to wait for the administration to process the paperwork and officially offer me the job but it's pretty much a lock oh and yes I'm a large bearded tattooed man then we have another contribution in the comments I did something similar a while ago I was in my early 20s and felt pretty confident going for an interview at a bank in London the interviewer was a pretty blonde maybe slightly older than me who was really friendly and enthusiastic she touched my leg a couple of times during the interview and I thought she was flirting she walked me out of the building towards the reception and casually asked what are you doing now I answered I'm just hitting around the corner to meet some friends for drinks she said that's nice but can you remind me what kind of role you're currently working in and he went on to clarify that he didn't get the job or laid for that matter today I effed up by yelling its boyscouts get the gun actually it was my wife and a couple of months ago during the Boy Scouts popcorn sales or whatever they're selling this year we always buy popcorn or whatever the Boy Scouts are selling since my son was once a Boy Scout and was a great salesman and with lots of prizes for his sales so the Boy Scouts in the neighborhood can always count on us buying a few boxes from whoever shows up at the door we have three dogs two of them go into a barking frenzy when anyone rings the doorbell to combat this we keep a water gun by the door since being squirted a couple times shuts them right up one day the doorbell rings the dogs go into their frenzy and my wife notices the squirt gun is not sitting by the front door but has been moved to the kitchen so she yells it's boy scouts get the gun to my son in the other room when she opened the door the two boys were about to bolt until they see the small purple water gun in her hand so anyways I started blasting today I have to by gluing my butt cheeks together before a long-awaited date so there's this girl who lives a stayed away from me and she's been planning to come visit me for three months the plan was for her to come over when I got off work at 9:30 a.m. I had worked three overnights in a row and I didn't have time to clean my apartment or get myself ready for her visit in the days prior due to being exhausted and/or at work flash-forward to this morning I get off work around 8:25 and have an hour to get home and get ready before she gets there I made it home and had 30 minutes to spare I decided that at most I needed five minutes to shower so I figured I had time to clean up a little bit as I'm finishing cleaning about to get in the shower she texts me and says she'll be 15 to 20 minutes late this is where the cascading failures begin 15 to 20 minutes isn't a lot of time but I thought it was enough to get my downstairs trimmed up just in case things got physical at first I tried to use an electric razor and it was going pretty well it quickly turned badly and I cut my right nut twice in like ten seconds I decided that there is no way I could finish this without my manhood looking like a murder scene I was panicking and had no idea what to do seeing as she'd be there in less than 10 minutes and my undercarriage was in shambles I went to put my razor away under the sink and noticed a box of self waxing strips that my friend had left behind when she was helping me wax my back perfect I didn't have time to read the directions so I ripped the strip's open and placed them both into the middle of the jungle down there I went to pull the first strip off and was greeted with extreme resistance and searing pain once again I was too committed to not finishing and time was running out I made the decision to rip the second strip off and just jump in the shower and hope that the encounter didn't turn physical as soon as I go to wash the wax from my nether regions I realized that an enormous amount of extremely sticky wax is still all over my crack I frantically try every soap I had in my shower to get it off I even tried to use a coffee ground face mask that was unpleasant at this point somehow the wax sticky factor had quadrupled and I was two minutes away from her arrival I said eff it and dry it off and got dressed she called me to say that she was here and I got a to answer the door when I realized that my boxers were stuck to my bud and my butt cheeks were firmly stuck together no time to figure it out now we chatted for a while and things ended up moving into a physical direction she could tell that I was wincing in pain when I moved around and she kept asking what was wrong I played it off his muscle cramps this worked fine until she went to take off my boxers and could feel the resistance of the wax glue from my cheeks and crack she immediately looked concerned and I had no choice but to tell her what had gone down moments before her arrival it's been a long time since I've been that embarrassed the kicker is that once she stopped hysterically laughing at me she pointed out that the wax hit comes with after wax removal wipes that I had failed to see during my frantic decision to wax in the first place edit sorry y'all I fell asleep after typing this didn't know so many people needed closure I was successful in my mission with the rear flank exposed my butt cheeks got stuck to the sheets more than a few times and more than a few hairs were removed this way but all in all it went relatively well considering the circumstances and yes for all those interested we had intercourse and I'm seeing her again today also I was talking to my best friend on snapchat during the whole process and I have a video of my reaction to the first trip being removed and here is a video of Opie in action then we had this unbelievable contribution in the comments at least you didn't use superglue one time I was working at a liquor store and one of my customers told me she went to jail for supergluing her ex's butt cheeks together she found out he was cheating on her so while he was passed out drunk she glued his cheeks shut when he got up he went to go number two and it all sprayed out the top of his crack and onto the toilet tank and the wall she thought it was really funny then he called 911 emergency medical services to take him to the hospital he had to have a skin graft and she went to jail she said it was worth it though today I effed up by vomiting down my managers neck I felt quite awful about this lie and I needed a place to say this this past Friday my office was in a meeting our internal meeting room is designed to fit as many people in there as possible as we recently hired a bunch of people and the room is too small so we sit in rows of seats with no desks in front of us sort of like a school bus I suppose my boss is sitting directly in front of me and with this specific meeting the back row where I sat was empty except for me our CTO is the one holding the meeting so we're all seated listening I was rushing to the meeting and wasn't able to take my routine morning dump beforehand as I sit behind my boss I tried slipping out a silent fart because my stomach began to ache from the huge McDonald's breakfast I ate about ten minutes past and I felt something in my boxers touching my inner leg as my brain completely omitted the fart from earlier I instinctively think I sat in something so I slide my hand in my boxers only concerned with being discreet my next idiotic instinctive move after removing my hand was to sniff it well it was immediately known that I now had doodoo on my fingers and just inhaled it smelled directly this caused me to instantly gag and that too wasn't just gas I projectile vomited my pancake breakfast up and it slathered my boss's neck running down the inside of his collared shirts I instantly ran out of the room to the bathroom to wash my hands and clean myself up I returned to the office and apologized endlessly and blamed it on my McDonald's breakfast and lied saying that it must have been under cooked sausage I got the day off and he actually wished me well unknowing of the fact I actually threw up on him because my vile self sniffed my own feces and then the top comment says sometimes when I feel like my day is going bad I read something like this thanks Opie today I have to but going to work on magic mushrooms I want to start by saying drugs and drug use are pretty commonplace in the restaurant industry mainly alcohol and cocaine are the most common one to wind you down after work and when to get you going for a rush other drugs are not hard to find well I was a bit of a hippie growing up I'm talking white boy with dreadlocks that played bass in a slightly psychedelic rock band so naturally I started a pretty good relationship with the loose energetic drugs mainly mushrooms an acid fast forward a couple of years I'm out of culinary school in my early twenties working away for a restaurant that had one of the best kitchen crews I have ever had the pleasure of working with I got the rare Friday off so I start making plans with my buddies to take the day for a much-needed mushroom trip as I hadn't done them in a couple years around 2:30 we take our dose about 5.5 grams each and start waiting for them to kick in now for anyone who's never done them they can take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour to kick in so me and my buddies are just smoking weed and playing video games about 40 minutes after taking them I got a call from work so one so cut his hand pretty bad we need you in ASAP so being the good employee I am I say yeah no problem I'll be there in 30 minutes I get off the phone and my buddy asks a dude what did you just agree to without missing a beat I said I'm going into work guy cut his hand dude we're like 10 minutes out from tripping oh no I panic briefly but remember past experiences of friends having bad trips and call myself down knowing we have a good crew I'm thinking maybe I can just hide down on fryers for the night or something I get in not tripping too bad yet colors are brighter and I've got a warm feeling in my stomach okay - got this stroll over to the reservation book about a hundred and fifty people between 6 and 8 right in the middle of when I'm gonna be peaking ok I'm screwed I get onto the line and it turns out I'm working saute with a guy I'm so NSYNC with we barely have to talk I asked to take the easy job of setting up hands in plating I figured I'd set myself on fire if I was the one cooking as we get into the bulk of the rush I start tripping harder and harder things look like they're breathing I'm getting minor hallucinations in my peripheral vision but I'm keeping myself together at about 7:00 we are just flying food is coming out so well and the guy is calling out orders is keeping everyone motivated and says holy cow the saute boys are killing it tonight I can't contain myself anymore and just burst out laughing everyone looks at me like I'm crazy as I'm laughing I managed to say I'm on mo shrooms man which sends the whole kitchen into an uproar that can be heard from the dining room word got around quick to everyone and they're all making fun of me and pointing and laughing the word gets to the owner he comes back takes a look at me and asked the board caller has he been putting up food yeah he's been killing it then I don't give a flip what he's on just keep killing it the rest of the night goes smooth so I guess it wasn't much of an F up in the end but it was a heck of an interesting night for sure dude this isn't today I effed up this is today I got effed up today i effed up by coming home for lunch and giving my girlfriend two black eyes my girlfriend and I had lived together for a year I usually don't have time to go home during lunch so I eat at work but yesterday I had an extra hour so I went home during lunch I was wearing my headphones and cooking suddenly I felt someone behind me I spun around with my elbow out and while I was mid spin it dawned on me that my girlfriend eats lunch at home every day but I realized too late and elbowed her in the face thankfully her nose isn't broken but she has two black eyes the real kicker is that I was planning to propose this weekend and had everything set up but now I need to postpone because I don't want her to be reminded of the time I clocked her in the face every time we look at our proposal pictures and then Opie posted an update to explain that her eyes healed fine and he proposed and she said yes so at least things turned out well in the end that was our slash today I effed up and if you don't hit that like button then you definitely effed up

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Views: 548,457

Rating: 4.9402218 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: 3X_RKMl2KXc

Length: 15min 33sec (933 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 03 2019