r/Madlads | ABSOLUTE GOURD

I saw my boy across the bar tell some girl he travels for work that man delivers pizza but you know what bonny electric he's not being dishonest what's up guys and welcome back to MA my name is Damien and today we're looking through our slash mad lands you have the ability to raise something by 0.1% how do you cause the most chaos pie Hacksaw Jim Duggan you wouldn't dare 2020 campaign slogan is your name plus 20 20 plus the last text you sent mine trip 20 20 yay speedy 2020 you're a piece of crap but I could prove it mathematically Lea 2020 good morning this is my debut stand-up album I registered it as a jazz album so that any sales of it go towards its spot on the jazz charts and not the comedy charts what's making the number one hashtag get Bret jazzed Allen Stillwell if someone vandalized the sign but here comes Allen with vandalism no problem I could adapt Allen I'd buy a house from you I saw a guy at Starbucks today no iPhone no tablet no laptop he just sat there drinking coffee like a psychopath and so I ran away from him fast what he grew a 910 pound pumpkin and then used it as a boat bro sick boat pumpkin boat pumpkin raid Blizzcon 2019 is we need to poo they can't ban us all oh no they can trust me though they'll do it although make it work what are the most profound jokes ever an MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day in English he said a double negative forms a positive over in some languages such as Russian a double negative remains a negative but there isn't a single language not one in which a double positive could express a negative a voice in the back room piped up right oh sorry For Party Rocking oh dude I'm party rocking in my chair right now you've done it dude ah dude I can't stop imagine having a superpower that like when you say something like that everyone in the general vicinity when they hear it they had to start party rockin great power and great responsibility but I am irresponsible as hell I'd misuse that power so quick so quick guys my grandma just turned 113 so I downloaded read it on our phone and joined this sub there is officially a sick at 113 year old on the sub damn congratulations grandma you old teenager so I'm on my period and my dad keeps sliding chocolate bars into my door then runs away screaming Satan hands been fed s MH I Joe Mahmoud my principle so in my IT class I accidentally made some bat file that lets me access to the entire school network control computers and shut them down no friggin idea how but I did soon after I got called into the principal's office I went to the principal's office and he's sitting down with the IT guy they started asking me how I did it and I just replied to my friend Joe showed me how my principal asked me who Joe was and I said Joe mama I'm now suspended for a week for accessing the school system dude what a baller move what a gangster play I like that in 2001 a Florida man wrestled a 7-foot bull shark to retrieve the severed arm of his 10 year old nephew after saving the boy the man lured a shark in and reeled it back to shore where a ranger shot it the arm was pried from his gullet put on eyes and rushed to the hospital have successfully reattached what a baller mouth so alpha move I don't know what else to say cuz that's just like it's just impressive I would belie be crying I'd be slobbering I'd pass out this guy just ran right and got it reattached say no to plastic hey Kim no what is the most evil thing you've done to a friend text Replacements phrase send news shortcut hi I've broken my face 20 times that's because I punch everything family if you want your frickin cob ones I'll break me bones and shanked it with mace takaku takaku survives being shot five times in Australia and now he's out for revenge not feeling well take a shrek I bet you're feeling better our slash and popular opinion the silver award is useless take a Lebanon can you write a whole paragraph without the winner a I wouldn't recommend it honestly your sentences will just sound wrong everyone will notice you're doing something different your writing will flow smoothly you'll use weird words cuz it's not worth the effort involved in spending time online looking at tons of synonyms which don't feel right just a produce weird stilted prose you'd be better off giving up to be honest what a baller this guy just went in when he went for it knife attack victim pulls white out of his stomach and stabs attacker to death bro just gutted them like a fish found five dollars in the parking lot today is gonna be a good day I named him Steve take it Steve for a ride Steve has no idea hi Steve new friends my friends are gone yesterday my uber driver told me that he prefers cold pizza so we'll often order a cold pizza immediately put it in the fridge and then eat it the following evening I can't stop thinking about how freaking mental he is Adam Piccini listen aren't you [ __ ] shouldn't you be talking about wrestling some time out of Puccini get at it stop stop talking about your uber driver it's okay swear words cuz the graffiti in my hometown is getting out of control sounds like it did sounds like you get a crisis I'm an American teenage guy from a very Mormon family for those who don't know the Mormon Church forbids tea I have a secret tea stash that I only get into when I'm home alone and this is my first cup and around a year did I do okay Earl Grey with a teensy drop of raw honey Oh bro you did fantastic I turned eight on eight 888 rook I'm old this literally says the opposite all right look at that thanks dude let me just comment something that isn't a quote let me just call me something days you know quote from toe fungus I went to my first physics lecture this quarter and the professor literally told us I wrote the textbook for this course but I'm going to pirate for you guys because I hate my publishers professor I serve the Soviet Union stop asking me for money can I have money sure thanks Beast please do not flush anything other than bathroom tissue thank you carefully put stirred in pocket for safekeeping today is International Women's Day so y'all better be respected women twice as hard well you know two times zero is still zero that it is dr. Baron J Marshall was convinced that h pylori bacteria causes stomach ulcers but no one believed him since it was illegal to test his theory on humans he drank the bacteria himself developed ulcers within days treated them with antibiotics and went on to win a Nobel Peace Prize dr. Barry J Marshall is a medical mad lad and MML someone asked me for a nude so I sent them a really zoomed in picture of Gwen Ramsey's forehead wrinkles and said it was my cleavage and then they sent to wanking video now I'm in tears because some guy just went over Gordon Ramsay's forehead and you know what I don't blame my way - I would - okay man's got a beautiful forehead how to effectively fight plagiarism anti-ager I'm detecting program showed that I had a paragraph from Wikipedia the open Wikipedia and to leave the paragraph from there don't cross me are all still abandoned will play a least favorite type of music and become huge and the name of the bin will be your car's license plate number and you look like you got a vanity play with our band's name on it oh my god you'll feel so stupid Twitter for iPad every major city has banned me from using the public transit system except Melbourne Australia I have no idea what the breaking point is but mark my words I have a freaking find it Michael Kane on his goals thanks clickhole all right whoever tryna look at my search history is no iPhone for it again ie oil paintings and security guards aren't looking julie diabolos you know what Julie Julie was a seventeenth-century bisexual French opera singer who once took vows to enter a convent just as she can have sex with another nun and then set it on fire when she kissed a woman at a ball she was challenged to a duel by three men and beat them all she was a skilled duelist and killed or injured several men in fights thanks Julie with that history hustle my family has a technology business and when my mom started to learn to make apps to support the product she made a test app first the whole app was just one search bar that you could type any word and it would do nothing unless you searched the loser and then will pop up with a picture of me from middle school with a bad sunburn and braces thanks mom you're welcome son my sister and I had an argument and she chopped the bristles off on my toothbrush why cuz that's the deadliest thing anyone can do to you Hey look we got a couple of things here some body once told me oh yeah the world is gonna roll me oh I ain't the sharp stewing the [ __ ] look at you guys one tree from anonymous I hope this tree falls on my hands we'll do it just for you my husband pissed me off and think he's gonna sit in the living room and watch TV and peace so I downloaded the LG remote app and kept turning the TV off in the bedroom he came here and acted like I was asleep so now he thinks we have ghosts you know I would do that though not maliciously just like for fun for a prank farewell on the seawall fractured rib man born babies said it took me good morning a little too hard today he is so grounded when he's born you can't spell any odd number without me Wow truly disturbing ha ha ooh no no no he spilled one without me when I bought I go around putting these stickers on paper towel dispensers voice-activated say loudly paper towel now and you get a paper towel thank you for watching our slash mad lands if you liked the video leave a like down below and subscribe for more content from MK if you want to catch more of me you can find me at twitch.tv slash Damien lean live and as always I'll be seeing you [Music]

Channel: EmKay

Views: 659,076

Rating: 4.9521084 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes, r/madlads, r/madlads top posts, r/madlads best posts, madlads, madlads emkay, emkay madlads, r/madlads emkay, reddit pranks, pranks, prank compilation, reddit pranks gone wrong, pranks gone wrong, funny pranks

Id: 7TpJi36BmJA

Length: 10min 6sec (606 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 19 2020