r/Comedyheaven | um

i have small hands bring them closer to you they are just far away well you were right another miracle from jesus [Music] let's dive straight into this fernarti today's masterpiece is by google mastercard i've yeah butchered that one who was bored and decided to create life let's be honest isn't that how most kids are born these days but they drew did oh oh he's so cute oh could be a she too i don't know oh but those adorable little red cheeks thank you for sharing us your amazing talents gg master and if you guys would like to submit any of your beautiful artwork please do so on our subreddit hi my name's jack i'm your favorite wacko and today we're going to be looking at some comedy heaven if this is your first time coming across this subreddit well congratulations um it means you're dead that's why you're here in heaven um we call it comedy heaven because it's just it's funny as well now am i male female nah yes that's right i'm a massive land from the continent of africa two messages mother i got a bulb for your dumb stupid idiot piece of crap loser turtle oh leave him alone clearly someone's a bit snappy from getting snapped at by the snapper turtle yeah this is why my job is reading other people's jokes in 1999 japan redesigned its flag from a less high quality image to a slightly higher quality image it seems joker 2019 four star review oh this happened to my buddy eric yeah i'm gonna need you to specify which part exactly i love eating slugs well there's certainly no way we could have seen this coming is it illegal to look up girls without bras please answer this is not a joke the cops are already on their way to your house you sick little frick i bet you get your kicks checking out all those ankles don't you you are you pervert comment are set up for a joke and i'll do a punchline what do you call an amputee barber michael i mean he's not wrong beewhacks i don't understand beewacks so either this police twitter got hacked or one extremely hardcore gamer was logged into the police account on their phone whoopsie cause of the great fire of london the answer is fire yes but that's that's not what i'm looking for today on remember when buzzfeed existed 12 celebrities who shared the same face with fictional characters number 12 daniel radcliffe and harry potter well done lauren incredible journalism you must be so proud number 15 burger king foot lettuce oh hell no eat this not that wait people what how common is it to eat a garden chair that a kfc would make an advert of it is this them trying to say that all their competitors food tastes like wood or something it makes no sense my best guess is it's them trying to subtly reference eating booty instead in which case i say nay for the booty is free what did you think of this video toast falling over yeah i'm not sure i'm not sure why i watched it peace on you return the favor does not reply for like two whole months of which he realizes he made a big mistake with that joke he types haha but what he really means is i'm so sorry please don't judge me as a disgusting person chained kong a prisoner of war a proud king now usurped by a plumber for a bit of context with this one in an episode of the kid's cartoon arthur in an episode called sue ellen gets her goose cooked which i feel is a questionable title in itself the kids are playing an online game there's a character from overseas that they can't beat and they eventually beat her and her name was sun tsu49 just some random chinese girl and someone decided to make a wiki page providing some historical background to a random photo in the background of the episode mao zedong mao zedong was a chinese communist revolutionary political theorist and politician you have it folks arthur apparently defeated communism in an online game okay no hold up i actually looked into this a bit more it's actually legit this is not just someone making this up as a joke it was actually a purposeful reference to malcolm okay that's actually brilliant props to the freaking creators for that one that is so nice so much bull stuff on this app so glad i can be a breath of fresh air of truth and actual logic well by all means too mad seed us with your intellectual knowledge yuck my hamster's butt's cheeks quite funny i disagree those juicy succulent cheeks are no joke at all and you shouldn't be making fun and laughing at this person's body hashtag body shame is not okay what country has the fastest growing population ireland it's dublin every year do you accept constructive criticism no we how do you say that picture of you right now i just okay i'm speaking it's just writing it down right now i'm trying to tell everything oh god i just love how confused he is whoever said diamonds are a girl's best friend horse you know i always find this kind of joke with horse girls to be interesting because i literally grew up with horses and a sister who had horses and maybe she was an extreme exception but i never came across her having this vibe of like oh no she's a horse girl kind of thing it's weird like not even her friends either it's sad because i feel like i've really missed out on an experience of a crazy person if you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube well i think that would be a neat noise i beg to differ then beg damn pikachu i'm sorry man what brings you on i want to call people and talk dirty here is me this is definitely me yep normal me family guy role playing club are you serious is this a thing when your only talent is making a funny voice so you just bank on it is rescheduled for 7 30 at ihop if you come text this number but don't curse because it's my mom's phone ps we need a lewis at the quagmire we don't need another peter i'm already peter damn family guy role playing club is more of a hierarchy than game of thrones it sounds like my doctor when i tell him i drink three liters of cement per day not much of a laugh but very believable hey come on why don't you like me imagine this conversation is related to a door dash order i am hungry your food what gone what everyone have a great day why why because i care about my family so mad lad dad back at it again disrespecting his wife i see [Laughter] and the kid just screenshots it and shows it to the whole world for us to laugh spongebob boiling in a pot okay that definitely explains why krabby patties are so tasty that in why mr krabs will never reveal the secret formula sebastian sebastian is a character in the hobbit is he really i didn't know sonic's brother was also a performer a slice of pie is 2.50 in jamaica nice it's three dollars in the bahamas awesome these are the pirates of the caribbean god damn it god damn your wii is not a parachute no see that's why they've got the ps5 out now that one is hi i'm paypal's virtual agent to get started simply ask me a question i am still learning so if i can't help you i'll direct you to additional resources i got scammed freaking loser true scary stories silhouettes with white dots i'm watching this at night because i'm a brave president okay but no joke i could totally see president trump saying this himself like actually confidently too oh man types of furniture chair stool chest are failed yes an entire town is furniture new message from dad i thought you'd like to know that i'm outstanding in my field i know this was likely to his kid but i would i would totally hire him i don't care i don't need the credentials this is all i need toronto defense lawyers oh they've got a cute little pit bullish the dog thing i don't know that's the type of dog it is i wonder why they have that there you can be charged with a sexual offense for sexual activity with a mind or under 16 years of age cute me life goals basketball frog okay but no that is a small gap sir you can make that jump do not make the excuse to fall for basketball frog we clearly that would be you doing that on purpose at this point this is frank ocean that's a cat that that's a a cool cat wow what the hell is with his face i'm being so astounded by the face of the cat that i've just i've lost the ability for speech apparently what is my age if i was born in 1999 i was born in 1999 my age is 34 years what the hell i was born in 1995 in my age of 25 years well that is your personal problem what is red velvet cake made of bit of buttermilk some icing some cream cheese and a bit of a little bit of red ah i don't know why looking at this is so uncomfortable but like my entire nasal and throat area is just really uncomfortable right now just imagine those freaking hooves digging into my don't think i need to explain this joke if you if you seriously can't comprehend it that's that's honestly on you well no one even plays sword and shield anymore because they both suck i agree with this guy i reckon he's got some good points to make i'm gonna follow him i jacked off four times today man i miss her father in need after nine-year-old son spent two thousand eight hundred dollars jesus ah but don't worry you've got 80 bucks you're close enough yes or no what is this like old person tinder leave twitter for an hour and let your followers reply to this tweet with anything they want it could be a message for you a question a meme then come back to see what you got [Music] this was so cool what i love about this tweet is it's like a cry for help boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with wikipedia open to the page sausage what do you ever wondered how big texas really is me neither well for once a factual image actually being honest with itself my mailman when i order another cinderblock i didn't know these were things that came in the mail 10 most fun cities in illinois not this one though everyone looks weird and it's very uncomfortable will my pc work i hope that's not real do not plug that in it works guys how did this cow even succeed worse yet how the hell do you get him out of it is this how your friend's cow died wait what love the drums what instrument is used to create it uh drum post your pets and we'll give them a new name uh here's my pet he's got mittens because he's cute dog meanwhile in youtube for kids mickey mouse baby dead in gas explosion yay fun crying remorse stages of grief possible divorce because can handle emotional pressure yay look at him getting those gains oh he's a little strength boy in the making not even proper form dumb baby just look at that pelvic rotation you're trying to do a push-up you're trying to twerk i'm 18 now and girls can't say i'm too young anymore i will freak everyone in this planet this is aggressive brian often i will literally frick you get over here come on me at age five verse me now look at me blow up modern rice everyone must enjoy this modern rice geez getting a bit intense in the hard cell there aren't you coolest pistols of all time the desert eagle the 44 magnum the 357 magnum the glock the beretta the ruger blackhawk and jon just john we love jon and to think i wanted to kill you two times in this quarantine you have become my friend i love you manuel this is actually really sweet to know about two people who are living together to actually end up growing and bonding even more as people oh no never mind they're talking about a rat okay that's different my dumb ass grandpa gets a stroke while eating banana pudding ah you dummy god he's so selfish making us have to go to the hospital for him being lazy like that oh god i think so mean here we have what looks like an animated fortnite video and someone just loving to tag every single moment that they see a butt jesus dude you get a girlfriend at least save it for something that's not a kid's game oh who am i kidding rule 34 has changed that whole idea of what is acceptable or not these days oh i love weird channel ads on youtube do not do that iron man lol mobile gaming what has this got to do with mobile gaming oh lol like league of legends like this person's content is just all over the place but goddammit i ain't curious as to what the hell happens full waterproof mattress protector breathable fitted mattress cover all this amazing stuff do you want proof here's your proof we got a baby to pee all over it yeah that stuff just rolls right off look at the girl he's got a freaking fire hydrant right there he's not gonna even get through that we are out of plastic forks we do have plastic knifes though i'm glad you feel really smug about that but uh do you have any plastic knives you know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold relatable meme joke hahaha me funny i like it it's fun because i relate to it haha seven signs you're getting better at rapping one you wake up in the morning with original music in your head two it's hard to focus on conversations because you're thinking of rhymes three friends introduce you as a rapper four friends ask you to rap at random points god five you find famous rappers you think you can take six you start cancelling things to go rap seven people start asking if you have music for sale oh bless rapination for making a huge buck out of this kind of nonsense to those out there this just gives me weird i'm 14 and this is deep vibes like a lot of younger kids just would be following this stuff to a t in 2017 you listen to 525 600 minutes to one different song and one different artist along the way you explored one genre i think i've come across this one before so i'm going to reiterate please tell me you did not have a premium subscription when you did this also at this point i feel like drake bell should be paying you i'm donating this kitty he doesn't get in the way or anything but i don't understand how he could have killed that big rat today was the rat tomorrow it could be me i'm scared yeah okay clearly you've gotten the offspring from the cat and captain marvel decided to pour the contents of a snow globe into a glass and drink it we'll keep you all updated on how this goes up here's the update hospital well who saw that coming it's almost scary how much these kids look like their famous parent 20 celebrity children who look exactly like their parents i just noticed the photo halfway through reading it oh god it's so disproportionate hello is this still available yes including everything how much 100 i'm angry when karen's are stuck in quarantine but they still want to complain about something ah no no i don't like seeing a turtle with its shell as its skin i love how innocent the post is from facebook this photo is from three years ago today was your most commented on that year we thought you'd like to look back on it no i'd like to forget it police station kula pitya five stars oh got arrested oh whoa for not carrying my identity card treated me very well cells are spacious and clean food was okay but rice for three times is a bit boring handcuff was a bit corroded but it's okay it does the job right the officers are friendly overall it was a nice experience this is a weirdly friendly review for someone who was arrested did you know cristiano ronaldo was the only player in history yeah yeah did you know iphone five dollars works fine just cracked at the bottom oh yeah i can see oh it doesn't look too bad still works i guess there's two types of men in the world those who fish and [ __ ] cats so churches are not essential but abortion clinics are essential got it yes because abortion is healthcare glad i could clear that up for you liz six hundred thousand babies a year would disagree with you i could easily win a debate against six hundred thousand babies you can't ask me hi james can you remove the guy in the background no oh james fridman never stop being amazing i am on weed effects waitress what do you want can i get 10 eggs really yes judging by the background i looks like he did do you remember this is the very first letter i ever got from you uh-huh it's my treasure dear jacques i'll freaking kill you for giving me that fake painting get the freak out of my town this skateboarder just became the first woman in history that's what's happening now she's the first woman in history i'm trapped in the print shop not a joke send help i can only communicate by a campaign i cannot wait till my next elections thing happening so i could do this too i'm totally doing this holy crap hey how was your night my what night all right good night introvertedness level 100. now let us read an excerpt from the bubba bear hello people outside my room now is gonna be so confused and concerned [Music] now how satisfied are you with this shared image very satisfied somewhat satisfied neither satisfied nor dissatisfied somewhat dissatisfied very dissatisfied at hillary clinton whips and nay nays on the ellen show yeah i feel like half her loss was just the cringy things she did the youth were just like oh i don't want to vote for her she's just oh no filling my pc with beans and hiring a repairman to fix it i swear we've come across this guy so many times but the idea that this exists will never cease to be amazing if you're not subscribed to him yet already then what the hell are you doing eh i cannot stop thinking about this photo my uncle shared on facebook with 100 unironic intent i will heal the philippines and the whole world what the hell is going on in the philippines that a jesus the size of a freaking kaiju is like shooting laser beams down at everyone i'll be honest my children i actually can't heal your sickness in all your poverty but but i do have some sick disco night yeah look at these things japanese amusement parks urge silence on roller coasters please scream inside your heart damn japan why you gotta be so boring works like a charm the best strategy for defeating enemies is to reduce their health to zero while maintaining your own health above zero god i hate some hints in video games and they pop up on the side and they're so dumb and like common sense like really oh oh really i didn't know hi you've come across an image on the internet a meme they say that is one blurry image with a blurry text that you don't actually understand but everyone else finds funny you're gonna find it funny too not because you actually understand it but because you find it confusing welcome to carlos alexa said a bad word johnny are you encouraging alexa to have impure thoughts as an ai again stop encouraging a robotic uprising goodbye world apologies for the previous tweet it was incredibly insensitive how is the crazy frog still existing these days it was like a 1990s thing how old is wario wario can be as young as four and as old as nine wow i i am concerned for his growth i mean i know this is more so like his character being created and stuff but still that's really weird what is a suitable punishment for my 14 year old daughter she used my fabric scissors to cut tortilla wraps death wishing well i wish to be irresistible to men poof you are now a chainsaw because men like chainsaws all men yup if there's one thing men will always love it's cutting down trees this used to be the official photo of the wikipedia page theft act of theft back when they were trying to be a bit more of a tutorial place than an information place hey that does it for another video today thank you all so much for watching hope you had a good one if you liked today's content please give us a thumby likey uppy on the video the like the thumb thing do that and this just subscribe hey if you're new here why not subscribe be a friend please i'm lonely i need more friends be sure to check out some more videos on the channel while you're here we have so much content on offer but with all that said it is my cue to leave so i'll say farewell my name's been jack you are amazing and awesome as always i'll see you later bye so

Channel: EmKay

Views: 1,863,312

Rating: 4.9350562 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes, r/comedyheaven, comedyheaven, comedyheaven emkay, emkay comedyheaven, r/comedyheaven emkay, r/comedycemetery, r/comedycemetery emkay, comedycemetery emkay, emkay comedycemetery, gilbert, surreal humour, so bad it's good, bonehurtingjuice

Id: _6sSzBnjB1w

Length: 21min 2sec (1262 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 14 2020