Jeff Allen

will you please welcome two bananas tonight Jeff good to be here in beautiful Columbus I I live in Nashville and I know I don't sound like I'm from Nashville but I grew up on the north side of Nashville would be Chicago I flew in on Southwest Airlines and I've never flown on it but a friend of mine gave me a ticket and I figured out why he was able to walk from Nashville and beat me by an hour so how many stops can they make before it's reclassified a bus trip that's what I want to know I think at one point in a middle of a cornfield picking two guys up waving 20s I was just man beautiful day today actually you know that favorite times a year I like it cool and I was in Arizona about a month and a half two months ago I was about a 112 112 and they'll tell you it's a dry heat when you get that you know that came from the Chamber of Commerce what can we say about the heat that won't turn the tourists off well you want to keep the word volcanic out of that ad and my favorite was for a week I heard it doesn't feel 1:12 does it not feels 285 and there are medical benefits I wasn't there two hours in the water on my knee evaporated so rid of my limp and I learned something laying by the pool it's time to get inside when your eyebrows just burst into flames laying there oh that's it kids in it daddy's smoldering got my wife screaming at me put your sunscreen on for what basting let's get out of here run for it kids God has abandoned this place tell you I'll take the heat over the cold house in North Dakota seven years ago and I'm still talking about it I am not kidding you I believe we can give North Dakota to Canada I don't think we'll miss it how were they done it was 80 degrees below zero think about 80 degrees below zero that means it can warm up 80 degrees in one day and still be zero I'll get the storm windows off honey I'm boiling in here it's it's gotta be zero Otto I'm gonna get my speedos in my wedge [Applause] why do thermometers even go to 80 below you think it 40 below the weatherman can just come out and go it's cold back to you Bob I saw a guy jogging I'm on my way to a club I'm ready to go to work it's night time and this guy's out running the streets in 80 below zero weather I have to tell you never in my life if I had a stronger urge to run over another human being with my pack and he would have thanked me I know he would have he's got a problem he just doesn't know how to deal with it I have never understood jogging and believe me I've tried it I just wasn't very good I'd run about a mile I'd buy half a dozen donuts and then walk home I ran every day for eight months and I gained 41 pounds bayonette jogging I'll pack on the flam so friend of mine felt my problem with jogging was just lack of information if I had more information I would probably enjoy it more he actually bought me a book on jogging they write books on how to jive how intellectually deprived do you have to be to not be able to figure out how to jog come on other people watching runners go by how do they do that there's got to be a book somewhere where do you run into problems learning the Jag I'm skipping again you know honey there's a lot more to this jag and it meets the eye I'm gonna go to Barnes & Nobles so they fill this book which is about that thick with things you'll never use I mean to fill a book I mean one whole chapter devoted on a train for a marathon I read the first line I went yeah like I literally have 26 miles from a doughnut shop they had some information I used and here's a little tip if you're a runner perhaps what to do if you ever are running and a dog chases you yeah they tell you not to try to outrun the dog as a dog will catch you invite you so this is what you're supposed to do you've stopped running you turn around you face the snarly beast point your finger at him so he knows you're talking to him yeah you don't any confusion out there I'm a delicate run by then you got chaos this is after you point you stop your foot and then you yell freeze see it's that loud voice that lets the dog know you're the one in charge yeah Sam I'll run in one morning and this is the pace I always jog that I didn't want to risk breaking a sweat while I was out running and I got my zone and you runners know what a zone is that's where your thoughts just become so focused on one thing and I'm thinking glazed I'm gonna get a glazed cinnamon roll and a buttery croissant from my zone I get awoken by this vicious sound I stop running and I turn around coming down the street full bore with his teeth flared is this tiny little three-legged dog not kidding coming at me his motor just run all right well maybe I'm a little warped I thought was a funniest thing I've ever seen I couldn't get fries out I was laughing to her see car myself then he got close enough to me and I got nervous and I found my voice it just came out I went phrase the dog stopped tipped where the leg was missing poor thing I could see in his little eyes not again started to walk away hey come on back man I'll get you Krispy Kreme I got a 15 year old son at home hates that story told me one day I was making fun of a handicapped pet it ain't right that's what he said to me hey you're right daddy maybe not it's funny that's our sensitive child everybody has one if you have a teenager applaud let me get a fielder there it is folks I asked that question all over America that's the response some kind of half-hearted weak feeble class with teas do do you they just suck the life force right out of it I believe teenagers are God's revenge on mankind as if God said well let's see how they like it to create someone on their own image who denies their existence nowhere in the Bible as I mentioned I old the devil was when he rejected God's Authority my guess would be 15 I don't even know why they go to school at 15 is there anything a fifteen-year-old doesn't already know come on parents admit it you've never said anything near fifteen-year-old or you looked at you oh wow I didn't know that I make stuff up in my 15 year old goes yeah I'm ready to call NASA and let him know what I got living with me they didn't hear me I said the kid knows everything and you might want to pick him up I'm ready to send her to the moon without a suit this is a typical conversation I have with my 15 year old last August he comes to me he says you know I think I'm old enough to buy my own school clothes I said you know I think you're right then we stare at each other for a minute and he looks at me he goes what and I said what he said what I need some money [Laughter] [Applause] I'm sorry I misunderstood I thought she wanted to buy your own clothes not pick them out he said whatever come on parents a minute this is when you want to boink your kids right in the eyes okay Matt higher just like Moe used to doodle Larry say it again what ever think I like that do it again so I give him money I sent him to the mall he comes home the dealer's you got to show me what you bought modeling the jeans he bought have you seen the jeans kids are wearing walks out with 60 yards of denim hanging off his body first tell my wife wash them she threw her back out dragging him over to the dryer he comes out his underwears up here his pants are sagging down there somewhere and that penguin walked they can't even walk they're just wild so he so he waddles over to me and he goes yo yo yo pops this is what do you think oh I'm glad you asked I think you and I are going back to the mall Snoop droopy drawers that's right and ask him what's with all the legroom you're ripping off TV sets you need that kind of legroom he went for a quarter his whole arm disappeared into his pant leg hey what's that fuzzy thing it's a little brother let him out will ya it's terrible and then you go to the mall with your 15 year old as a parent you would think you haven't provided this child with one material thing in life everything their eyes is set upon in the mall they need to get tired of that word coming out of your child's mother I need an e if you have a small child sit them down teach them the difference between the words needs and wants two completely different meanings write them all one day holds out these shoes I need these shoes I need so how much are they and then he says they're only don't you love the word only especially coming from the unemployed with a straight face he says they're only a hundred bucks for shoes he'll outgrow on the way out of the mall so I said back that tape up in your brain boy I'm gonna put some new information in there for you first of all unless your name is Michael Jordan never in your lifetime you need $100 pair of gym shoes I have 40 bucks for your gym shoes now I can tell you what you need 60 bucks [Laughter] [Applause] we can help with their math as they go through the day you know they really get dramatic when the hormones kick in don't they a cop well you persecute me bad he's a big kid he's six two he's about 225 came home from football is what he says to me hey just bench 250 said good can you pick your socks up and I'll say I'm just glad his voice finally changed he had that crackling thing you know the prepubescent pointing I hate that oh yeah what's good at six - how do you keep a straight face during that phase at the fella [Laughter] getting mad at his brothers in yellow man and we had a farm animals showing up at our back door standing in the hallway touching my stuff dial it down as a goat back there asking about that's funny dad she put that one in your show so I did get them ready for therapy young that's when I say folks parents your kids are going to therapy they might as well have a reason I've told my kids ever since they can write every time they perceive an injustice in our home write it down dated I'll initially I said for what so I said when you're middle-aged and you're miserable and you want to blame me we'll just breeze right through the therapeutic breath what is it when 45 year old man calling up their 70 year old fathers and blaming them firsta what do they expect the old guy to do well I got my answer ready if my kids call me up 20 years from now all I'm gonna say is oops what other answer is that - over once I move back in me and mama re-raise you there were a lot of commerce since our strokes I'll tell you it's hard raising kids big controversy in America whether or not we should spank children well I don't believe in it I do it I'd say I read something once punishment humiliates disappoint educates I never once wanted to humiliate my children when I spanked him I wanted to educate him and the only thing they were gonna learn when I spanked him I was a bigger stronger tougher man in me where I wasn't gonna do it because I don't want to brag but I can beat up any three-year-old boy in America last time I spanked our three year old six eight months ago I'll never forget this I'm welcomed by my living room like a lot of you men in this room just walking by trying to mind my own business not even trying to make eye contact because I want to get sucked into the vortex of my family's lives I just want to walk from one end of the house to the other I hear a noise I look over there's my two and a half year old son and his knees trying to put a fork into a light socket what are you supposed to chat with the child about that walk over you know Shawn I wouldn't do that you know electricity could hurt you what's he gonna say oh thank you Father you know being only two I was unaware of the dangerous side of electricity well I think I'll take a timeout and ponder our discussion [Applause] all right I couldn't with some of you dads might have done I just went oh no primitive but effective that was six months ago to this day the kid gingerly walked by our light sockets heard him tell one of his little three-year-old buddies at that bad I think he learned something friend of mine said aren't you worried that will make him neurotic 20 years from now his wife will ask him to plug in a lamp shut up we're getting clappers [Applause] I have a 19 year old boy who's in the army right now and that came about because January yeah thank you I'm proud of that decision that he made basically last January him and my wife were fighting daily and I felt like a referee and I sat him down and I said you can't live here anymore he goes what do you mean well you can come for breakfast lunch and dinner I love your company but you can't live here anymore because I decided either you or your mother was leaving and she kisses a whole lot better than you we've had many talks with me and that boy the oldest me and the boy just I remember when he was 14 my wife said you have to talk to give him the talk the talk the talk so sat him down I said son your mother and I were talking to some things you need to know about life first thing is you got to quit eating all the food in his house there are five of us here and every one of us feel like we're in competition for food with you this is an American home it's not the Serengeti there'll be more food here tomorrow and save some for your poor little brother two kids so skinny he fell down a sewer grate yesterday thank God he was wearing his bike helmet didn't fall all the way through those bike helmets save lives don't that any man in this room over 40 knows when you were 13 if you would have showed up for a bike ride with a helmet I needed the helmet to keep your head from caving in from the rocks your friends were pelting yo with a dark water what's with that you dented my basket man but I got to tell you the food thing in our home has gotten out of hand my wife and I've got where we hide food in our bedroom to keep it from the kids we got a stash of brownies and muffins and things next to our bed so we go in the room late at night and lock the door I'm sure the boys think we're doing something else we're really just don't know the covers eating brownies and laughing a whole bundle you hit 40 it gets pretty pathetic it really differrent the brownies are here lock the door [Applause] and right before the door closes from the living room you hear the kids going on that's disgusting it said and if you do nothing with your children all week eat dinner with them for gosh sakes they took things that come out of their mouths we're eating dinner one night my 15 year old is oh hey I just thought of this I go what is it because I'll be driving next year that innocent remark has kept me awake for six weeks now I find that scary it's even more frightening when you look out the luring window on a Saturday you see him on his bicycle pop a wheelie and plow right into your mailbox and he's got his learner's permit so we let him drive us to church on Sunday see that way we can get all our prayer time in before we get there sometimes there's so many miracles we just skip Church go right to the Cracker Barrel that's the third tree that swerved out of the way of our car and now that he's going to be getting his driver's license he wants to get a vehicle and he's looking at the Sunday paper for the pickup truck he's gonna purchase he's got nine dollars and a Folgers can in the bedroom the last truck he looked at was $32,000 I said to my wife well that explains his D in math and I will not be the one to shatter that boy's dream I'll let the car dealer do it man I'll take him down there come on boy let's go pick you out of truck they don't forget the coffee cab [Applause] and I suggested a used-car really used car you know he goes hey I'll never drive a junk ok paperboy what's wrong with driving a junk I'll tell you something I've owned a lot of junks in my life you want to drive stress fee junks mancave your quarter panels that cave your pup merging is never a problem especially if your bumpers hanging on by a bungee cord man it's just people go out of the way to let you slide right in and it's only natural you got a nice car somebody hits it'll ruin your day you got a junk in somebody hits it makes your day kind of hitches on the phone with his insurance agent man and you're on the phone with a travel agent comes back is that where I hit you oh no I bought a home entertainment center with that dent you were kind enough to hit me in the Bahamas trip right over here who you kid and that repair check is not going for one repair it's like finding a bag of cash on the side of the highway and one day asked me what my first car was because he goes whoa whoa what was your first car I said that's simple I was a 67 Volkswagen bug then he goes what's the book didn't know what a bug was then he goes what I have under the hood set of tires they knew how to make them didn't they that spare engine in the trunk in case the tire malfunction what a car if you get that thing doing 55 miles an hour you turn the radio and it dropped down to 45 someone cuts you off you get mad and I don't know if I'm laying on the horn you can forget that a bug it's a happy horn so hard to hang on to your road rage when you got a horn like that it's even hugger when people are pulling over to quit laughing at you and who puts it a frosting system in for the bug I mean really what is it it's your breath and a rag that's what it and God forbid to get the heater work and it'll burn every hair right off your ankle it's like driving around with a flamethrower on the floorboard friend in the front seat shut it off I'm on fire the guy in the backseat hey throw me one of your pant legs I'm freezing to death to the hospital at 30 degree burns and a frostbite victim and doctors know right away Volkswagen heater terrible cutters and that was my first car I'm older wiser you know I wanna brag when I'm driving a brand new Geo Metro well the world a comedy has been good to me three whole cylinders of raw power car goes zero to sixty eventually my wife and I were driving along I mean we were having an argument and I wanted to make a point by stomping on the gas real hard I don't know I was mad hit that gas the car actually coughed I am not kidding it just apparently got a little bit too much gas and it's throat oh don't do that again then you got to wind it up to first shift me my wife looks over he goes I had a real car when I got married me I was a 1966 Cadillac Coupe DeVille one day my kid asked me what is Coupe de Ville mean that's a French word means boat [Applause] yeah at least it had a horn in it [Music] [Music] change Italy [Music] huge car headed Geo in the trunk in case it broke down I don't love that Cadillac they made him out of metal in 1966 man not like the Geo aluminum plastic guess I'm late honey connect into a ditch buy a big horse fly and there were no airbags in a 66 caddie because you didn't need them in 66 hit something doing 40 miles an hour get out of the car to see what it was you crushed ran over a worm in my Geo and I messed up the suspension yeah I'm driving along I was like that had it being Nightcrawler oh just lucky the sunroof was open I loved that Cadillac then one day my wife asked the fatal question just sitting at the breakfast table trying to mind my own business not even making eye contact she says you know I was thinking every man in this room knows when your wife says you know I was thinking I'll see was thinking about his things you're gonna have to do she slides his paper average says how many miles per gallon is that Cadillac yours good I said miles remember the engine man had a carburetor built by Hoover I'll even running a guide pumping gas be gonna better shut it off I can't keep up care starting to die i revved the engine I went room I sucked the attendant into the tank driving around I got gym shoes hanging out of my time I loved that car then she says get rid of it that's what she said to me get rid of it it eats gas big gas guzzler why don't we just wad money up throw it right out the window wife tells you to get rid of something you get rid of it that's right sounded like some small hands didn't [Applause] I have only learned one thing in 20 years of marriage and it's this happy wife happy life if you're married you already know that and if you're not married you better write it down not on some flimsy piece of paper you go out and get a stone tablet and a chisel be number 11 if you count them Bible says right in chapter 2 in Genesis chapter 2 says right there man will leave his father and mother that's the verse I'm reading to my 15 year old every night [Laughter] says here you're leaving Jack gotta read all the way to the New Testament before he said you can come home again man will leave his father and mother take a wife and together they become one flesh once you don't get any closer to anyone that walks this planet than your wife ergo happy wife happy life my dad tried to tell me the same thing in his own way I'm a wedding day came to me and he said son I have only one piece of marital advice for you before you argue with your new wife and believe me you're gonna argue with her before you do I want you to stop and ask yourself two questions do you want to be right or do you want to be happy and then he broke down and sob right in front of it was pathetic and I had no idea what that man was talking about 19 years later I can tell you I'm a happy happy happy man I ain't been right in 12 years times I have to ask my wife am i happy well you better believe you're happy okay just check in with your buttercup call my buddies up a can't go golfing but I'm happy and don't get me wrong we argue my wife and I and you have to argue in your marriage you feeling arguing your marriage it'll build up in your brain and overtime and make you goofy and you wind up like those babbling bumbling couples you see in Florida you know what I'm talking about 50-plus years of marriage and they're walking down the street and the wife is up here she's fine you ever see the husband eight feet behind her walk i poor guys all hunched over he's vibrating bumbling always telling me what to do well start telling you what to do I'm a man you can't tell me he's just trying to win back all the arguments he's been giving away for 50 years guy was 63 when he got married now he's 4 foot 1 just leave a toilet seat up if I want to leave it tell me what to do I hope you sit in the water every day I don't that's what she turns out what did you say to me I didn't say nothing you got to get it out you got to communicate that's my wife's work communication muted key you have to learn how to communicate when my wife and I were married five years we went to a marriage counselor because we had to learn how to ID you they don't learn how to resolve conflict that's what she said apparently shut up what shut up would shut up will shut up blue is not a healthy discussion so we go to marriage counselor and she asked my wife why are you here my wife gives a 20-minute dissertation on why we're there and she looks to me goes why are you here I said because she told me to come you don't think you should be here and I go well all we ever fight about is our lack of money and I find it ironic that we spend a hundred dollars a week to learn how to do that my wife looked at me said shut up I said would [Applause] here is five thousand dollars whatever information folks right here five grand right here I'll give it to you for free what I learned in marriage counseling was whatever we're having an argument what I have to say has no bearing on that argument whatsoever doesn't matter at all it's what my wife hears me say that matters and some of you guys know exactly what I'm talking about how many times have you said something to your wife and you can see by her reaction she didn't hear what you said then you spend the next 45 minutes arguing about what you meant to say I know what you meant by it what do you mean I meant I didn't mean that I meant I mean I said what I meant I've learned 20 years with this woman I know better I'll say something see her reaction I'll go home what you just hear me say [Laughter] then she'll tell me and I go you know what I can work with that let's keep going here I can perhaps I can make the back nine took me two years of marriage to figure out my wife will never tell me to do anything around our house she wants me to do some she'll ask me a question from the question I'm supposed standing there to figure out what is she wants me to do simple example say leave a pair of my underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor which Frost's my wife that's her favorite word someone will cut her off on a highway oh that Frost's me if I'm not frosting her I'm driving her up a wall that's another one kids will come in where's mom she's up the wall at frostbite that's all I know you won't believe what put her there son it was that pair of underwear in the middle the bedroom floor boy you look at the most powerful pair of underwear known to mankind and I don't need to fight gravity with a change temperatures slowly matures in another room when my wife come to me and say to me pick those up that's three words though what she's saying no because that would be simple direct right to the point then I her husband would know exactly what she wants from me I'd be able to process the information make a rational decision is the whether or not I could deliver her request you see at that point we would be communicating at the highest human level through language my wife will look at me look at my underwear and then ask me are those yours you sure hope there are otherwise I got a few questions in my arm what do you want that is every man's question to the woman he loves what do you want just tell me what do you want quit talking in code and tell me what you are if I have to tell you what I want and it doesn't mean a whole lot to me not that many a night I've walked around my house with a coat hanger strapped to my skull boys are going what are you doing dad I'm trying to divine what your mother wants there's got to be a signal in his home somewhere so wrap me in tin foil it'll make me a better conduit and we have three boys by the way we have I mentioned that the the 19 year old we have a 15 or 19153 19153 now he ran out of brownies one night that won't happen again we get it from Costco by the pallet now that's just what we needed you know hard part was child proofing the home again we just finally took a hammer smashed everything of value to us because if the pressure was too much is that a Hummel run three boys I love my wife she started menopause about a year and a half ago so there are nights I lie in bed and dream about the good old days of PMS trust me I can't get my home cold enough for my wife she's always on the phone with the air conditioning guy it's broken again I'm going it's not broken there's not enough friend in the world for this woman there's a hole in the ozone it is over the roof of my home trust me that's 48 degrees in my house I'm hanging meat off my curtain rats it's still not cold enough for her and she wakes me up in the middle of the night to feel her night sweats is that necessary playing a bit wake up Geoffrey feel this it's disgusting I'm just laying here there's like a furnace in me or something well you're sure lucky you don't have to go through this you know I wouldn't if it could awaken me here and I told my boys watch out man I'm going through some stuff just what do you mean those nights you don't do your homework and she get mad and yell and he said yeah it'll be a little different now she might start crying and then stab you [Laughter] [Applause] all I'm saying you see your mother sweating hide all the pencils that fire I am amazed at how many people stopped me out in the hallway and asked me is your wife for where the way you talk about her no she thinks I'm a bricklayer oh honey I'm off to Ohio to build another home now God blessed me with a wonderful woman and I gotta tell you I was then asked in an interview recently what is it I love most about my wife and that's one of those questions this sound on its surface a pretty banal question and and and trite and you give it some thought and if every man would take the time to think about that what is it you love most about her certainly after 20 years I have to say that this woman has seen just about every demon that I have to offer I hope she's seen them all and she still continues to lay next to me at night and and professor love for me and you can't buy that that is a an absolute gift of grace from from a another human being and it wasn't always I remember somebody asked me how does an atheist from the south side of Chicago wind up living in Nashville Tennessee as a born-again Christian work in churches I was at a church last night in New Albany and in a Nazarene from from clubs like this and from Vegas casinos and from Atlantic City and in how do you wind up work in churches and I got to tell you 25 years ago and I started comedy in Chicago this was the last the last place I expected ever be is in front of a church and professing a faith in God certainly and what happened was I crawled into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting 17 years ago and all I wanted to do was stop drinking that was it that was my goal in life was to stop drinking try to be a civil human being to my family I was not a nice man trust me let's just say I was an angry bitter jaded cynical man just not nice and I was harder on my family than anybody I wasn't nice to many of you people but I was harder on my wife and kids and they told me to pray to a god and they said pray to this guy and I said I don't believe in God and they said well find something in this universe that's bigger than you and I got to tell you as broken as I was and beat up as I was that was the hardest thing I had to do was find something larger than me in the universe in that amazing it's just how the human ego could be so large and I could not get in my knees I would not get on my knees and pray to anything but God has his own plans and I've loved the term Hound of heaven I don't know if you're familiar with that it's when God pursues his own and he'll pursue you if he wants you and the only player the only motivator he has for you to get to look heavenly and get on your knees his pain unfortunately that's his only way of getting your attention and he took away everything that I thought I valued everything and after seven or eight years on that journey and I read a lot of books I read other self-help books I could get I was you know reading ain't rained and and and trying to trying to get a hang onto something to make me a better human being I really was I was trying as hard as I could I went to therapy talked to people about my anger my rage I mean all this stuff and it just wasn't working I went through my whole life trying to feel like I belonged on this planet somewhere and it just wasn't working and God puts people in your lives and trust me if you're on a journey pay attention to the people you come even the guy that hits you with his car is maybe there for a reason you know and I met some interesting people when I look back on this God put a man in my life he was doing comedy for a hundred bucks a week the guy was worth I don't know four five six million dollars sold his business made millions of dollars just wanting to go on the road and do comedy was 50 some years old wasn't a very good comic but he didn't have to be I mean he had all the money he ever need he's the only guy that we ever worked with to pulled into the jobs with a 450sel Mercedes I'm coming in on the Greyhound you know I'm your headliner for the week I make the big money how are you but God knows his own man and he knew I wouldn't talk to this man I I was a shallow vacuous empty vessel I really was and I didn't have anything to talk to this man about until I found out because of his wealth he had access some of the nicest golf courses in America he was actually a member of Muirfield Village here and that's all I needed to hear he was my new best friend what I didn't know about him was he was a fundamentalist Christian and I didn't know that and we're sitting in the fairway one day just talking and we're talking about life we're talking about this we're talking about that and then he brings up the Bible and I said I don't give me the Bible and I want to hear the Bible and he says what do you mean and I said I'm an atheist I don't believe in that garbage and he says well what is it about the Bible you don't think is true and I said I don't know I never read it and he said well you're not an atheist you're a [ __ ] [Laughter] I have to tell you I wouldn't hit him except that I would have lost access to Muirfield Village I wasn't going to do that and I asked him to explain himself and he said well to be honest with you a true atheist is not only a biblical scholar but as scholarly in all the face of the earth and after a long intellectual journey has come to the conclusion that there is no God of the universe you on the other hand want to circumvent the entire intellectual process and just come to the conclusion that there's no God that's lazy and moronic I didn't know what to say so at the end of the week he said to me there's a guy in Denton Texas a man named Tom Nelson he said he teaches the Bible the way I think you would like it taught any and yeah I'd like to sign you up for some study tapes and I said well it cost me anything and he said no and I said well then knock yourself out I'm not paying a nickel for that and then he said can I send you a Bible and I said hey I've tried reading him and believe me I did I open them up in hotel rooms I had read somewhere the Bible was the living breathing Word of God I didn't get it I'd open it up look at it come on you know do something for me I'd read I couldn't get it I didn't understand it so he sends me the tapes sends me the Bible time goes by and God implodes my life he was imploding my life my marriage was falling apart I couldn't deal with my life honestly I tried I I'm telling you if there was a book out there that I could have read that would have given me the tools that I needed to function in this life I would have gotten it because I had I have stacks of them and I couldn't figure out how to make my wife happy that was all I wanted was to make her happy I could we quit fighting if you think acrimony is bad in your marriage wait till you get to apathy apathy is the absolute worst it's not even a feeling it's just this we couldn't even deal with each other in the hallway we would like to sneak by each other and we're sleeping in the same bed and I'm reading and and my back is to her she's watching TV or a nice she would read I'd watch TV I mean this is our life together and somehow we're getting through day to day but I don't know how and we're in a parking lot at Toys R Us and she says you want a divorce that's what she said to me you want a divorce we're buying toys for Christmas and that's how she said it is if you want to take out the trash we've gotten to a point in our marriage where there's no emotion there's no life there's no nothing which sold dead people and she looks at me and says you want a divorce this is the most life-altering decision a man and woman will ever make you know the culture wants to tell us that it doesn't mean anything just go to get your divorce it's quick its painless and move on with your life it doesn't work that way it is the most painful when the Bible says your one flesh it is literally that's what it feels like and that's what we went through we basically went through the pain of ripping our flesh apart and this is what she asked me you went up in all I could think to say was the eff that's what you want I turn the car back down that was how we decided to get a divorce I mean I look back on the time and I just go wow who were those people we now we look at that we go who were those people but God has to move you to a place a place where you can pay attention it has to all go away you have to give it all up before he can work the restoring process so I went home and it says in the Bible with Satan intends for evil God will use for good my biggest character flaw is procrastination and Tammy had put it on me to fill out the divorce papers and it wasn't like you know we had anything to salvage I figured you know I'll fill them out but I got thank-you cards from 1988 I haven't mailed you know so so I just went home and I said yeah okay we'll get around to it and I had moved into the guest room you know and this is how we were living I'd go on the road do my comedy and I'd come in and moved into the guest room and we you know we're raising these kids and and we're existing and as God would have it he moves this woman into my wife's like my wife shows dogs for a living and she's at a dog show and his battered woman shows up she's just beat and Tammy says you can't go back to that man and she says I got nowhere else to go and Tammy says well we have a guest room so she gives the woman my room and I got to move back into the bedroom and now we have a chance this is an opportunity now we have given up we have let go of everything and now we're going to talk and believe me it was difficult there was a point after a couple nights I looked at you wouldn't even look at me I was talking to her back for two days I mean I'd say something and she I finally walked over across the room and put my hands on her shoulders and she flinches and she just she's not I can't I said will you look at me just I can't how do you get to a place in your life with someone that you love I know I love this woman I know I do I had therapists tell me I love her for god sakes I love this woman and we're at a point we can't even look at each other she says I can't I just Jeff I just fill out those papers I just want to get this I'm gonna get it over with and that was what I just okay I went out in the kitchen you know filling them out there's nothing to give away we lost it all in a bankruptcy I mean we we lost it all everything we're on our way to divorce court to file the papers a few days later whatever we're filing the papers were 10 minutes from filing the papers in Maricopa County to end this part of our lives in that little voice that little quiet voice that God puts in us and sometimes you got to shut the TV's off and stereos off and all these other things off to hear it but it said something to my wife I know what it said well I know what she said pull the car over and I said for what she says I got to rethink this this is a two year process man two years a letting go of this woman and I'm telling you it was it was I wouldn't wish this on anybody I don't know if any man in this room knows what it's like to wake up in the morning was so much anxiety as soon as your eyes pop open it's just like the world caves in on you and you walk around and you just want to know where it's coming from I said it would've been so much easier if I woke up in the morning and some man just started beating me with a stick at least I knew where the pain was coming from and people would go why you so miserable because he keeps hitting me my wife would ask me why are you so miserable all right go I don't know I don't know I don't want to be know she goes why can't you enjoy your job I go I don't know what's the point what is the point don't you care there's a point there's a purpose to this my wife we go no I just want my family ten minutes from divorce court she says pull over I can't I want to rethink it and I said babe if you're in this you're in for I can't I can't be playing this anymore I can't let's just cut it and go she says no Jeff I don't know why I don't know why we know why now we didn't know then why but anyway we go home eight months goes by it's not getting much better it's getting a little better it's not much she comes to me and she says I'm going to Ohio with the kids and he said we can't afford to go to Ohio she says you're not invited and I said well how you gonna get there she's my father's gonna pay for the trip we're taking the boys and we're going for the summer and she says well I'm going you're gonna get your life together I'm coming up on my 40th birthday and I'm telling you I'm just I have no clue I have no idea I went to Domino's Pizza to get a job to deliver pizzas and they wouldn't hire me you're going to talk about humble if 40 year old man with a mortgage and kids and wife and then you figure I'm lowering myself to get this job and the kid looks at my application says comedian that's it that's the only job you've had and I said yeah he's what do want me to do with this I said you know we're not splitting atoms we're delivering pizzas for God's apparently my interviewing skills had suffered over the years but it was like my god don't make me beg for a job delivering pizzas I go home and tell my wife I'm unemployable I can't take it anymore you know anyway she packs the kids up and before she leaves she grabs these tapes that I've been collecting and she puts them in a pile and she says you either listen to these things or I'm throwing them out and again I had no reason to say keep them I didn't listen I didn't thought about him in a year and a half two years I don't know I just been collecting I've been throwing them under their nose and that little voice a little quiet voices yeah I leave him there believe him in the final four I'll get to him I don't care you know a few days because if I'm walking by the tapes and I see little voices open one up and I said okay I start to walk another voice is late for what there's nothing in there for nothing and then that starts that whole dialogue of what's in there I want to get it I want to get when I read about demonic realms and angelic realms and in the Bible I went right back to this moment in my life because it was a struggle to get in there because something knew what was in them things and I rip one open I finally got over that after five minutes 40 years old and I'm having an argument with myself in the front I used to say that's why I got drunk in the morning it was crowd control you know but it's just maybe I am nuts I don't know but I'm trying to get into the strip 1.open I throw them on the floor and I and I and I go there you know there's a couple tapes I do now pick one up Cleese yes tease and I couldn't even pronounce it was Cleese eClass or whatever I said I don't like this I'm gonna get that Bible where's that bio it's in a junk drawer it's where I left it so I pulled the Bible out of a junk drawer I put the tape into the Machine and I start listening to this pastor from Denton Texas talk about what Solomon Solomon this this wise old man 78 years old wrote Ecclesiastes at the end of his life about life on Earth and it starts out with meaningless meaningless it's all meaningless that got my attention boom because that's the way I felt I couldn't find any thing worth meaning in this and this earth really nothing found career not my wife not my kids not my cars not my home nothing and he starts talking about it and basically Solomon's conclusions were that life without God will have no meaning and I didn't understand that and he began to explain about the creation in order to enjoy the creation you have to know the one that created it and if happiness were an act of will we'd all be happy because that's basically what we want out of life everybody wants to be happy you asked them so if it was an act of human will why aren't we happy were the most medicated species on the planet we really are and what it is what I found out what he said was something has to come outside of us inside of us change our hearts and then work its way out through through the act of service to others and I was blown away for the first time in my life I heard something that made sense and I believe it was because that day God chose to turn it on inside me that was the light switch BAM it went on and I was like wow this this is it this is what I was looking for I wanted purpose I wanted some reason to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and then I said without God I have no well how do I get God so I open another tape put another tape another tape mother tape no because I'm a compulsive addictive personality I was just I mean I'm not kidding you man and I'm making notes in my Bible and I'm going like man this is the greatest stuff I've ever heard at one point I wanted to run on my lawn and hold the Bible up if you read this thing wow what a book man this is amazing Wow and I don't know why I don't know why it was 40 years or whatever I mean it was a 13 year journey up to this point I'm not telling me this did not come overnight I didn't get the road to Damascus epiphany that Paul got I'm telling you man I sought this and I went on I delayed in fetal position late to go to the desert and scream up at God all right if you're up there show me you know and I mean it was today that day BAM and I'm listening to these tapes and then he gets the the Jesus that he knew the one he says he says he says he was it was at a prison I'll never forget this line I love this line he was at a prison doing a sermon and he said to the prisoners in this prison he said I would not walk across this stage to tell you about my religion Christianity but I will crawl on my hands and knees through broken glass to Helen back to tell you about the love of my Savior Jesus Christ and I heard that as a man as a man I said that's what I want I want something I want something good I want to die I believe this that a man is not talking about of men I'm not a woman but I'm a man and I said a man is not fully alive till he has something in his life that he's willing to give his life up for and I'd like to think I'd give my life up for my wife and kids but I'll tell you something I'll give my life up now for my Savior and my right to profess this faith so anyway to make a long story short I know that's hard to do at this point the gift is the piece the gift is the piece I went to this man's home in Dallas Texas and this is like two years into it and if you're into disciple this is the way your disciple people this man called me on and off for two years he had no business talking to me we were not in the same economic bracket we were not saying it in the same intellectual bracket we were not educated the same where we had nothing in common other than the fact that he was disciple and he would call me up and just go how you doing how you doing never once did he say did you open those tapes I've been sending you have you opened the Bible I said sure did you did you did you did you I would say is how you and Tammy doing how are you guys doing we know you're having trouble are you doing all right and then he closed every conversation we ever had with you know Carol I pray for you every night we pray for you every night and I never meant it meant nothing to me it meant absolutely nothing to me big deal yeah okay thanks Phil that's the pretty appreciated things I look back on that right now and I think what a gift what a gift from a toll I mean did you can't buy that you can't will that that is a gift for a man to care enough about me and my wife to total strangers to say every night at dinner hey creator could you be with Jeff and Tammy man they need your help you know means something it's gotta mean something it has to otherwise it's just so he if you know what to get the gift is to peace that's the gift you turn on the TV and they'll tell you it's the money that thing and God has restored everything that he took everything everything we you know we've got a car again we got furniture again we got I mean you know they sound like basics but there's a such a deep appreciation for this stuff now I mean there's such a deeper appreciation because we now know where it comes from and it's just there's life in our home I tell I tell paulien sits all the time we're fighting again I think that's wonderful don't you we argue I got to tell you this we were eating breakfast a while back and this is how it's and I'm minding my own business I want you to know I'm sitting at the breakfast table minding my own business I might have been whistling that morning would explain why I didn't hear her ticking on the other side of the table all I wanted to do is butter a waffle that's it just butter my waffle some of you guys know what I'm talking about no family business no talk no nothin butter a waffle so it's sweetheart could you pass me the butter knife [Laughter] now I'm thinking something must be bothering buttercup so I asked Syme on your mind she says I'm fat every man in this room knows you can't respond to that but twitch EDI is gonna get you killed right here you ever heard your wife say she's fat you better become mannequin man you don't move a muscle and you don't say anything worst thing you can say is well maybe if you laid off the brownies for breakfast and you don't want to mention ice creams not supposed to go into slimfast tc's keep your mouth shut let her finish her sentence dig the knife out of the wall butter the wall then she says we're joining a health club did you know what I said think I heard you say you're fat and we're joining a health club believe it or not that was the wrong answer of course we joined a health club happy wife happy life and if there are two people that inhabit this rock that should have never purchased the health club membership it is my wife and I talk about lazy we've woken two kids up to get the remote for the TV we've had an exercise bike in our bedroom for 11 years it's got a mile and a half out of it most of that was put on the baby by the baby sitting on the floor spend in the country and last month she made a cellular phone call from our driveway to me in the house she asked me to bring her her purse what do you do with that call yeah hello get my purse where are you at I'm in the driveway going to the health club and I need my ID I lazy are you hey go get your mother's purse and bring it [Applause] you

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 840,264

Keywords: Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Comedy, Hilarious, Humor, Hysterical, Comic, Laugh, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes, Crazy, LOL, ROTFLOL, Silly, Jeff, Allen, Happy Wife, Happy Life, Happy, Life, Wife, Buttercup

Id: wbZWuKJOQNI

Length: 61min 25sec (3685 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 23 2019