2 Hours of Tim Hawkins Comedy: Volume 1

man death should be a party death where is thy sting I ain't afraid of death bring it not right now but me no that's right man you're gonna want to come to my funeral yeah I'm gonna put the fun in funeral to be hard to be sad I got a big bowl of candy on my chest dad's gonna help some people man people walking by my casket I can't believe you're gone I can't believe Smarties I love Smarties somebody takes two pieces I grab their arm come on come to my funeral man there's gonna be dancing man I'm a music and a deejay hmm just throw your hands in the air and wave them like a aint and they uh-oh come to my funeral man it's gonna be great there's gonna be a mosh pit yeah and don't just let me lay there get me involved pick me up let me crowd surfed and I just got blessed with a good wife not every guy has a good wife sorry I mean think about Jobe and the Old Testament think about job's wife she must been a real piece of work I mean the devil took everything from Joe man killed his kids killed his servants killed his livestock cover job and boils and sores but his wife did not die [Applause] that's saying something right there at NIT like hey deviljho wife's right over there [Laughter] I know trust me leaver kids you do you just need help I don't need healthcare from the government I want a nanny I want the super nanny the super Nance where this English nanny comes over and helps these demonic possessed children from America and they're just like and she never loses her cool she's like no Thomas no we don't do that to me if you mean you just knocked your mother L killed with a pot that's what we do I don't know how you were raised that was raised a little bit different than that my mom would tell me what she's gonna do to me I'm gonna beat the snot out of you you hear me I'm gonna beat the snot out of you I'm gonna hit your head so hard snot flies out the front of your skull it's gonna be awesome oh she was detailed I'm gonna spin your head off like a lid on a pickle jar I'm gonna take my leather belt with my name on I'm gonna beat you and brand you at the same time my mom you're the worst mommy in the world no I took second last year I'm going for 1st this year here's a deal I think they should let me be the super nanny Oh you might want to tune in because there will be some violence going down on that show the Superman II will be a whole different experience for the viewer like no Thomas no come on let's go I'm gonna drive you off a naughty cliff come on no you don't need your shoes you're not coming back come on come on man there's some beautiful stuff in the Bible there's some stuff in there you gotta admit it's not what we can call family-friendly think about it there's a reason you don't see some of those illustrations in the Precious Moments Bible you don't see Cain and Abel in the precious moments the other in that [Music] so like I'll never understand parents who will paint Noah's Ark on their kids little kids bedroom walls it doesn't make sense Noah's arks a great story but it's just out there man it's like daddy what are you doing I'm painting Noah's Ark on your wall sweetheart my favorite story you know where God sends a worldwide flood to kill every living thing yeah I love it it's awesome hey grab a brush and paint some screaming people on that rock for me just to make it rip it's gonna be great [Applause] look in the baby's room I painted the stoning of Stephen [Applause] folks I and we both the mission field here it is used to be Nigeria though that's where our keyboard player since tonight you got your bulletproof shields for the drummer people popping caps it's your drummer on Sunday area we attend meet our players we only have one driver [Applause] Michigan Michigan the first joke I ever wrote without the machines we're you do weird things the mythos caffeination when it goes then what permission you from well but you gonna hit me don't tip come on over Michigan shaped like a hand I got my own built-in roadmap right here did you know that that's awesome cuz I'm ready to do book called things I don't care about [Applause] 20mm from right up there move down there for a while just move right back to the knuckle [Applause] [Applause] from North Dakota Oh South Dakota [Applause] are you from uh from Ohio right there other than the wooded areas there the Nemesis office people people people it's awesome to be here it really is I don't know what we do I don't know what it is to call it that mom and I do people say we do Christian comedy I don't know what that term means I mean I'm a Christian I do comedy with Christian comment I have puppets I mean there's no Christian plumbing you know I care what your belief systems are just pick the pipes that's all I want my toilets going like this can you make it your Krishna I guess I could be like a lot of baby Christian baseball players when they hit a home run they point to God I have a good joke the Bible says God's everywhere she [Applause] it was Satan worshiper hits a home run [Applause] by agnostic [Applause] okay homeschoolers explain agnostic means dear neighbor we hope solicited in the textbook but you like the it outside this is awesome [Applause] one time they scan up once there's a good reason for that notice if ik water is called you gotta wear a full-body wetsuit Kelly Slater didn't tell me you got to zip it up in the back so I jump in the water it fills up with 400 pounds you see with my pants I got an ecosystem swimming around this is so wonderful mo did to beat her Michigan you guys realize you have a beautiful state right we went to a why recently beautiful state whole ayah is funny when we was like a family vacation or Union trip and so funny in the planning stages because I can't being heckled but maybe let me hear you little guy let's shut your mouth okay in a Christian way being that you [ __ ] I go too wide you know our fans yeah yeah let's go to why the cycle relatives I messed up messed up privilege anybody here have a kiss at least one psycho relative amazing raise your hands something you didn't raise your hands feet you're the one [Applause] we're talking about that Hawaii everybody's like yes yes why sniffle my cousin April seems like no way you talk about I would never gonna know how I had like why she goes they hate Americans [Music] okay a lot you didn't get that right there that's the story actually gets better really we're just cracking up April what do you talk about she got a fellow Pearl Harbor I forgot we got the world war two because we attacked ourself I forgot about self-inflicted food went to Alaska last it's a beautiful state man that's in that great Oh a lot of bears though lots and lots of bears refers to people from Alaska I used to it to see them every day it's no big deal you know we're gonna go on a hike you're gonna go on back take this belt give me a little bit get your drink don't scare the bears away [Laughter] that's it my wife no that's not think we love to do we love to watch movies together we got this thing this Netflix you got Netflix y'all it's awesome man we watched all the time there's too much as we're watching too many movies cause it's starting to influence our arguments it's so strange she walks in the other day hey um did you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor I are those your underwear on the bathroom floor I hope so that's a whole other conversation we need to have if it is I want to know did you Libra I don't what do you want for me I want the truth you can't handle the truth honey we live in a world where men leave their underwear on the bathroom floor and those underwear have to be picked up who's gonna do it you the kids I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom you weep over by Haynes you cursed my fruit of the looms you had that luxury you had the luxury of not knowing what I know that my laziness while tragic probably save lives and my undergarments while grotesque and incomprehensible to you saves you don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about it parties you want them on that floor you need them on that floor we men use words like boxers briefs whitey tighties do you use them as a punchline I wish you just say Thank You Lee be on your way otherwise pick up your own underwear and stand a post either way I really don't care what you think you are entitled to did you leave you're done right I get well pick them up okay that's how we do it September was like day August and limiting holiday July 4th of July Julie's Father's Day Mother's Day get me April is usually Easter March is st. Patrick's Day see February is amazing February is the shortest month now as all these great holidays say goodbye Valentine's Day Martin Luther King Day you got Ash Wednesday and Mardi Gras Presidents Day for crying oh my we get off work for George Washington's birthday and that amazing of course if I was in charge we Adolphe works for every president's birthday and on Obama's birthday send some into work for you [Applause] joke went pretty well didn't go so well in order with hacky sacks oh he wasn't where I start when I start talking about economy I still talk about my mom it's all mom think about everybody's got a mom that's kind of messed up let's probably sit right next to her right now you know it made her that way you she started you know you started with the guilt trips started it's like my mom's never god-given gift they know us so well they know which buttons to push my mom's the queen field trips man the day I got married 20 years ago my mom said this to me perv and she said that I hope you don't treat your wife like you treat me I'm gonna put my wife in a home I can't afford that you know that moms have always had enough [Music] then I can do a little more thanks for the heads up old lady now I know there's just enough enough I can squeeze in a little more evil and then true bonds are never just worry don't worry [Music] and I love that woman she's my best friend she's a beautiful lady she really is but I tell you what I've never been more frightened in my life when I was a kid and I've seen Exorcist okay I've never been more frightened I was kid I had to wake her up hold on you know what I'm talking about I hate him wake up it's like she turned to a different creatures it's already dark in there pitch black you can't see anyway you already kind of scared as it is but California elevator you sure you're nice you don't get you know you're nice you're a nice day I think the only nicer state from California has got to be Minnesota and okay shut up no not miss out of people like weird nice like you can't be that nice it's that creepy nice it's like they're hiding something from you kind of nice and I learned that I think this summer I spent some time with our friends in Minnesota they had this beautiful lake house in Minnesota I did an activity I've never done before probably shouldn't have but I did first morning we're just getting ready my friend John's just all pumped ready - well hey Tim work on it do it Ted hey buddy oh we're gonna go nuts today don't you know yeah we are what we gonna do we're gonna go tubing we're gonna talk get a timber tool been on the lake toba you ever told we're gonna tol told Toby ever told okay who are you the sweetest chef from the Muppets who are you birdie - he what Stuben he goes Tolman is you lay down on the table it's tied to a rope tight in the boat what we do is where you drag around the lake behind the boat in the tool it'll change your life he was right about that and I'm an idiot right so I'm like I'm first man I don't even know what I'm doing let's do it so I'm like at the end of this pier and I'm laying down on this tube got the lifejacket on I got the rope on the boat here's what I learn about Minnesota people they're really nice until you put them behind the wheel of a ski boat that's when they get possessed by the devil and want to kill you for fun so Jon's getting ready all right Tim looks good I'm when I start off the boat here we go all right are you ready to go [Music] I mean water going in and out of me faster than I've ever felt it in my life I was it - but that point ladies in jail when I was a PVC pipe something hey chewing gum I swallowed I was five years old come out of me I cut up a Bubba they don't even make up above anymore that's watermelon but I'm just hanging on may the grace of God to the tube we're going like a hundred miles an hour in the wake and after a minute I realize I'm doing it I'm hanging on it felt good and I felt the spray in my hair in the wind in my face and in my adrenals they were Audrina thing that start feeling arrogant I got a little cocky I don't know why I started singing that song from Top Gun they're added to the dangers out and then he turned and that's when my life changed now is outside the wick singing Jesus Jesus there's just something about your name I was singing about Jesus because I saw him and then I didn't and some of you know why because then we hit a wave you guys that's the first time in my life I've ever felt my heels touch the back of my head I didn't know I could do that I was kind of impressed physically that I had that in me I was like a scorpion for half a second it's like watch me whip watch me nae nae no don't laugh he whipped my naynay all over that Lake that day I had never had my name a whip like that and that didn't feel very Christian but I hung on the distinct and tall I had to if I let go I'd wind up in Wisconsin somewhere we're just getting started so Jeff Gordon he whips it around goes the other way I'm back on the way here's another tidbit you ever Tobin in Minnesota they ask you how you're doing back there do not go like that it's not what you want to do unless you want to take it to a whole nother level you push the red button do all the other end the lake man he gets the other and he makes the right turn I'm back outside of the week we hit another way and I hung on did I remember that moment I remember I looked up in the corner of my eye I saw something something swooping down from the sky like I said an eagle knows my colon believe that's my descending colon descending back down to the surface of the water okay yeah we need to circle back and get that I know it's only a semicolon now what I need that I need to put that back in there I knew when my swim trunks I lost those an hour ago there are trees somewhere we talk about this stuff the kids listen this is no joke no punch line you don't need drugs and alcohol [Applause] you can be influenced people going to try to attempt to although I did attic people on my life coming up to me in a duty oh my gosh [Applause] Oh did you tell those people I don't do that there's a lot of [Applause] it is we need your kids brains you get to come up with a better invention it's because we're not doing very good at we're not I just let the proof that just all of my body I've got this thing on my wrist huh it's called the Power Balance bracelet that's 30 bucks I don't know if it works or not afraid to take it off at this point [Applause] I got this new watch it's a sports watch it says it's good up to 150 meters underwater folks if I have 150 meters it is not going to be my choice horrible is happening slang and my kids have real subtle about dad with anything about dad how he looks for Father's Day I got this little gift right here I'm learning right now yeah body book how many calories I've consumed happy Father's Day fatso keep tabs on that belly ball that that's over I try to make detective father I don't know my kids are getting big my boy is like three boys 15 10 5 my 15 year old was hit big startling ways he's getting these install when we must so I had to try he comes the kitchen it was a punch in your miss will show up on punching your arm [Applause] did you feel that [Applause] [Applause] my ten-year-old comes to the other day and in my office you'll say yeah let me shoot you in the back with an airsoft gun the air so sure go ahead it's nothing here your song [Applause] [Music] [Applause] now let's get the cat around the neck this is day then we go to cat on you down [Applause] [Applause] - funny yeah yes we move towers kids when he didn't come up with some better than stuff to do better better games to play we have nothing to stake in forums give it and make up games outside they're pretty good games I think the best games when you make up outside spin around spot the front yard [Applause] [Laughter] well if I see as in this game every you know my hiding sees the best because everybody plays it the same especially when you're it you know this when you're counting you always count through the breath alright everybody hi I'm 40 Harry one two three four five six seven [Applause] tell us in better boats kids my gosh we have horrible books scary things for kids I want to show you the scariest thing I've ever seen for it's fun it's a Disney book it's in Winnie the Pooh cookbook [Applause] chocolate-chip cookies total house horses when it was [Applause] so we've got another redneck I lived till your Walmart see we got a Walmart well if you build it they will come you know what I'm talking about people it's hard to be a Christian when you go to long I feel so judgmental I've seen you ladies walk in there by the great [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] it's free entertainment people Walmart @midnight it's like being in a movie it's like the bar scene in Star Wars Chewbacca with [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] [Laughter] you bring home ten bags of groceries from Walmart that's a 10 piece set of luggage somewhere down the line [Laughter] as a beer cans blue drink [Laughter] [Music] [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] what kind of nominations we got in here tonight well we got Baptist right in the front row right Mormon really great I saw your bikes outside [Applause] we wrote in some garland it took 15 hours who else Christian Christian okay thanks for hearing it down what Church of Christ I should have played my guitar yeah Catholics Catholics nothing laughs it will clap a lot they use like a drink in their hand [Applause] [Applause] [Music] so I say nondenominational yeah fooling anybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] well you gotta read that message Bible Dennis a laid back Bible I thought the Living Bible was money back but message Bibles like what is the recipe for nice crispy treats first John one month marks pillow Jesus changes water to wine cooler I don't know what I do and I love what I do I don't know what to call it people say I do Christian comedy I don't know what that means meaning I'm a Christian in a comedy the Christian comedy with there's no Christian plumbing I don't care what your beliefs are spoilers hole like this I guess I could be like a lot of Christian baseball players when they hit a home run they point to God where's Bible says God's everywhere what am a saint worshiper hits a homerun of an agnostic homeschoolers explain it agnostic nature parks entire youth homeschoolers being judged people being critical like your home school children they're not properly socialized they're not properly solution is then to go to public school [Laughter] cup stackers so makers vegetable co-op participators people who can read I'm just tired I envy you I wish I could be gooder my group of Sesame Street that's that was my education television a lot of us [Applause] really near Oh [Applause] [Laughter] left behind thank you my blue friend but if there's one message out there I don't know I think it's where the father's out there a few guys any of you guys were married ago and your wife stays home with the kids all day when you get home from work she needs a break no she just needs to go somewhere yeah pesters yeah that's the truth now I've married 15 years I learned that the hard way came in from a three-day trip I walked in the door my wife's to stay an hour waiting for me honey I'm home yeah heard you pull it up can I have a hug what's the problem you need to take the kids somewhere and you need to do it now okay where do you want me to take them I don't give a rip where you take them just get out of here okay let's get in the car get the car I'm gonna go we'll be back at June so I get my kids in the car man were just sitting there I didn't know where to go just okay I took him to Home Depot I didn't know what to do I know that's where guys find peace at the Home Depot just look at hammers for a while you know that was not the right choice that particular day Sochi yeah you can't let your kids run off at the Home Depot cuz I don't know you have not lived your life till you turn the corner at a home depot and see your youngest son using a display toilet just getting real here there's a Kodak moment for you right there any you parents got an answer for that little quandary hon james dobson why don't you focus on my family for a while mr. smartypants he's going to town he don't care the manager is looking right at me I'm like yeah that's my boy should be done in a minute here you all take Visa okay good that's good just what daddy wanted a turquoise toilet I want you to throw a microwave on top of that bad boy we'll call it even make it a package deal singsong Jesus to take people that's some of the software waves birth certificate is hate yes it has a beard you could become president of the United States and not have to show your purse all the stocker [Applause] man see mom's choice the thing is mom she always try to save money buying groceries that we ever got to the grocery stores shop these discount grocery stores what kind of grocery stores you got there where you buy your groceries [Applause] my body they were just here for samples [Applause] and love those I will eat anything with the toothpick giving samples in front of the sample ad a little guilty here you're gonna move along just not right now we never got decent groceries small the shop would be kind of more fish stores you tell the names like SAP a lot sentence a famous appellants axises [Laughter] the generic wannabes Chios we have orange puppy sticks never Hamburger Helper it was beat the system [Applause] pepper we and see because adopter thunder [Laughter] sighs I don't know what anything wants these frequently all sticky okay [Applause] normal cereal my friends and spend that I had many Cheerios we're not some toasted holes [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] we're gonna do this back board for seven years to get the scoop at the bottom of those students just a coupon turn the bekesy intensity from seven more years of series [Applause] grocery stores now you know why because the restrooms are easy to find do usually right in front it used to be that adults never had to go to the restroom in a grocery store a long time people work in there that nowhere was [Music] through the great doors just like an illegal dogfighting going on geom lock it up I wonder why that is ladies was smelling the trash pick me [Applause] Oh a real hygienic wound up in those vestments how ya didn't have the nice careful over your hands with the infinite cloth towel [Applause] three right [Applause] you want to be a comedian - the rednecks right now what you see happy Rex Ryan oh your Walmart catalog but if you build it they will come [Applause] you're the Walmart even better about yourself go ladies I've seen you in there just walking home I get this one is that that makes mistakes but nothing like that [Applause] [Applause] yes on the real end and the Walmart there's fading wallet what [Applause] but though the long folks tree entertainment take advantage of Walmart and wake the kids up at midnight taken in Walmart looking like they're in a movie like your the bar scene in Star Wars [Applause] procedure bah-bah-bah [Applause] [Applause] let's see five things at the store man of course - had this for a while wears white has a beater can it turns blue when the beer is cold no straining hey guys if you are so drunk trust the nerve endings in your fingers I usually call the night that's all [Applause] trust this one guided by that power colder I know that's running yes [Applause] [Applause] else what not the nomination [Applause] information you know phone with anybody speed your madness search for the cool website [Applause] location [Applause] [Applause] as yourself that's a message file you got to read that message by the way home it's so laid-back the Living Bible is laid-back Jesus changes water to wine coolers [Applause] thanks for looking a man's Catholic Catholics make a pitcher sweet Catholics love the laughs middle class they usually drink in their hand [Applause] slides remember our slides made out of metal where that is 100 degrees outside here in your shorts I'm not talking Nike shorts I'm talking those cutoff jean shorts with the pockets sticking out of the bottom 80 feet up I'm ready smoke and sparks flying up out of your crotch Starbucks learn their drink like when you go to the drive-through them what they like to drink at Starbucks it'll blow our mind it will because women are that's a hard drink they're very complicated men are easy a Starbucks you know you ever go to the drive-through or can I help you yeah give me a mint take coffee no cream uh honey what you want okay here's what I want listen listen this is what I want I want a tall skinny sugar-free decaf soy vanilla latte extra hot whipped cream double sleeve no cup please tell me you got that please I'd like to change my urge a large whiskey just a large cup of whiskey because I'm gonna drive away and off a cliff I don't want it to hurt so bad and a blueberry scone don't you moan at that how dare you moan at that it's not fair sometimes my wife gets mad at me for behaving wrong in her dreams I had a horrible dream last night you want to hear about it no I'm gonna tell you anyway a grizzly bear was chasing me through the woods with his teeth he was going to eat me and you did nothing [Applause] you took that there and you didn't do anything what was I doing you're playing poker with a rabbit that's what you were doing and that's the thing you would do something like that you would play poker with a rabbit well I was being eaten by a bear luckily a giant unicorn came and saved me with his laser horn that's how I say it not by that one the worst part I remember going home your mom would spray bactine all over your body never scraping up your knee roll up your pants fighting on prices sai-san attack paint on your leg probably that it's gonna be better I don't want you getting gangrene here let's say you like what was that [Applause] oh that means it's working that means it's penetrating and kill and all that gun stop screaming and thank me you should thank me for that mothers like the pre parent before the child is even born they like to like you ever see these women who like read to their baby in the womb develop he says mom once upon a time there were three bears Papa Bear mama bear and baby bear the kids in fluid then it sounds like weird you bar again here's Reed man having me Mommy be a minigame hey geek you [Music] is that it's my mom Charlie Brown's teacher how did it Sybilla cool joke remember as a kid there's one invention that still just boggles my mind I just don't understand it is Johnson's baby shampoo no more tears Shampoo I mean how do they know it had to be some trial and error there you know what I'm saying seem in the lab alright bring the kid in now look up here at me right oh he screaming get him out of here it's too strong back to the drawing board start to communicate with music to my kids they don't listen to me talking anymore I just use their songs and get my point across where at them all the other day they're just begging me for an iPhone for an hour everybody say dude I'm not gonna buy you cuz you asked for it you don't I'm not gonna buy you an iPhone you're insane if you think I'll pay for it so be on your way I'm not gonna listen go away you're wasting all your time here's the dime if you find a payphone but no iPhone today and that's Beyonce open minds California open minds so you'll have kids you'd be like to the left to the left to the left to the left everything you own in a box to the left haha you must not know about me you must not know about me I can make another you in a minute did you roll your eyes at name no you did she is the better parent I've been a parent for a long time I ain't getting no better at it I threatened one of my kids with a mission trick the other day any parents are thought of that I will send you to Nigeria of how I promise you you're gonna learn some patience one way or another so you have a smart mouth you at a loin cloth in the forest of Anika Ottawa terrible pain I don't have the tools to be a good parent you know I don't have a good whistle my dad used to have a good intimidating whistle he'd call you in six blocks away you know other people's kids we brought my kids giving her now [Applause] enjoy a kiss will come and have dogs and taxicabs trying to be cool I'm not a cool then let a cool person know it's hard to be cool in your 40s I used to go to cool places too what a cool parties meet with cool people all I do is walk around my house and turn off lights wearing black socks and boxers wearing a Snuggie carrying a can of whipped cream with me [Applause] no body turned off [Applause] three gotta go I wanna live here well unlike this [Music] this you can't be cooling your forties people your body doesn't let you you ever get up from a nap to whip up the couch apples pass out - try that again similar to analytics breathe I do not a shape I grunt for things I didn't used to crop corn I don't want to get out of chairs just like daddy would you just clean that up a well you guys I'm hearing some of this for the first time to this I don't need oxygen I just need a whipped-cream can I have the laziest father ever I said this one of my kids one time look you come upstairs when i text you you understand unfriend you that's how you that's how you threatened my kids you take their technology away think about apparence kids that's all they know is technology they were raised in it nobody uses crayons anymore so on the computer remember crayons remember first day of school walks up a hundred crowns colors you didn't even know existed buffalo swinging morning coffee twinkle Dean that's not what's called a [Laughter] member of the art supplies used to use they don't use their tongue depressors and cotton balls and sugar cubes and paste delicious take a Ritz cracker a second pate for a fight it's like holiday right here in spot my gosh you just take away their technology it freaks them out my daughter she's addicted to it Danielle Bangkok and I found I wouldn't let talk the size of a fit to home it's like Farook assault from Willy Wonka no that's who I am to you doctor no I'm giving you the gift how about this what's that things in your ears the David Copperfield I took my daughter's cellphone away the other day oh my gosh they did the trick I could see in her chin in a month me I took her cell phone away that was a trick oh it devastated her it was pathetic puppies on the Humane Society [Applause] get up I don't care hey not me brother not your friend [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] print will be friendly I'm your father not here to impress you I got lots of friends that's the thing in your 40s it's beautiful I don't care what people think about me I used to work baggies for a wall that's great for Breezy manure pits on something right I clip my toenails on airplanes people I read straight from the milk jug when I'm in other people's houses I take you don't say if you don't mean it make yourself at home oh I will I'll drink your milk I'll rearrange her furniture Oh your treadmill where your yoga pants are free I'm not here to impress this is the body I got I work out this is as good as I can do you know and I'm the same guy in my 40s that's the thing it's not fair I'm the same guy in the 40s as I was in my 20s 30s there's only a few differences gained a few pounds my hair's a little thinner and my nipples point sideways like a horse's eyes that's the only difference I'm ashamed to admit I'm a Christian man with nipples America and towards each other behind me is ridiculous I mean I am awesome right up to here I'm awesome right over here then it just goes to the top all the way down and when your 40s there's no button there anymore call it what it is a gun that's what it is I'm afraid to look in there it's gonna be a Chilean miner 13 seconds I can't kick my pool please you guys have a big sport events here yeah pigfoot I wouldn't dig sporting the other day and I bought a bottle of those Under Armour t-shirts sleek workout shirts that shows every contour your body because I'm an idiot I need him I even tried oh nice but look at home I tried on him from the beer line looks like I was smuggling a family of woodchucks I gotta watch it [Applause] my sister before [Applause] the gazelle sweetheart woodchuck it's not fair candy what you want to eat look I am the man of the house okay it's like you get open enough that you can afford food supposed to eat look we're the men I enter the man of house okay I paid the bills I take care of business I'm the man so why do I have to hide in a corner to eat a stinking bowl of Lucky Charms I hear footsteps [Applause] white braixen why are you each arm [Applause] back [Applause] mcdonnell's is not fair it's just so good now kids you think McDonald's is good men I'll wait here including wise McDonald so good I think they use msg I think there you can crack this is ridiculous it's you can't it's too tempting oh they using that you ever goes of the drive-through and McDonald's you try to psych yourself up and ordered something he'll think you can't do it I'm gonna grill chicken salad and a bottle of grilled chicken salad and bottom line we're gonna help you yeah give me a number one Peggy sighs with some gravy on your couple cinnamon rolls and the defibrillator and the doctor's appointment you hook up a fire hose to the shake machine and bullet in my car just fill her up please [Applause] all the diet coke I need that too fizzy water is gonna make it authentic it's gonna eat up all the bad I'm not here to press anybody anymore doesn't it there's one I got I know lady I kept on I know I read your fishin thoughts I know what's going on so the like Andy I know ladies the Charlie Rose with legs don't give it's good some people call me the space cowboys and call me the gangster some people call me Maurice [Applause] friends like do you even work on your cage no I think they will bring your cold I don't want an apple see that's the thing I want to eat more than I want to have you know I'll work on my abs and I'm chewing I'll just bear down but I need this this is what I need I'm working I need every bit of this all right I know I got three boys this is not fat when you got three people this is protective padding cuz they're coming at you in here it's it's Mme every day in my little girls are awesome my daughter the only thing with girls is you can't keep up with them when they tell the story itself is too fast [Applause] gee the box here knows his little boys with every Tolstoy boys slow motion like jazz tunes level I need protective padding it's like my three boys it's weird it's a paradox as my as my boys get younger the pain gets worse my oldest boy Milo's was 16 he's lived awaits he's got muscles he big when we wrestle I have to try I know I'm not saying good job I'm tapping out [Applause] why didn't you come I whistle for you why didn't you let Stacy girl comes in the kitchen the day hey dad let me put you in the arm seats you take it [Applause] why can't belt that you [ __ ] a context full well when you did I steal Talent I can't spell down my leg neroli he comes any other he's got some in his hand so what's up he did it oh let me show you with my airsoft [Laughter] airsoft that sounds like a nerf gun then go ahead [Applause] was that going 2,000 feet per second that's pretty impressive was an area soft about that backward should we follow the will maker daddy would have said airsoft name this thing nor the area 12th is the cloud be right up the heaven after taking a kill shot to the head from all these demon dots airsoft gun it's a pellet throwing the speed away airsoft seafood oil team which you're soft but the worst doors just move that no because you know and the reason it hurts so bad is because you don't know it you just don't expecting it because there's just so sweetie I was good my little guy kiss the other night let's hug him he stroked my beard Danny okay you go I do I like your beard daddy instead of nose here [Music] I just tasted blood those hairs were connected to the brainstem that's he pulled it my foot look like that cousin had something shave off something brittle all in squeeze out the kitchen something the old man yo Jam the whole thing so join us next week of the first week of 48 part series how to be a Twinkie and a big dog world Twiggy's a in the Bible it's in the message Bible ringing myth [Music] a lot of new things that in church but hand sanitizer in the church we didn't use do I start my church nurseries throw fish crackers on the floor [Applause] to provide off disease well I can't say that my church and make sure we get these two lead sanitizer stations right by our front Overeaters message people coming in and thank you for visiting you're so glad you're here so you're loving here we're just like a big family really marriage or kids it's a crap [Applause] [Applause] 300 markets all [Applause] [Applause] as Christians we have a words words birthday we have Christianese give us our own language and we've got servant's heart every call that I don't say these people brother you got a service arctic you have a service mark why thank you and you have a giver spendings bottles of understanding my friend the neck of the provider go like we don't say someone's that Goths didn't know she has to give the discernment we don't say you know oh we say I'll pray about it we don't say he's out of his mind no that's our youth pastor it's great church is awesome fun if you get you ever see somebody fall asleep in church we all been there haven't we missed push you know somebody's gonna mostly able to get that round in the eye Bob [Applause] I sleep you're adult you would you want you you hide you sleep okay here's just got to do those German boots [Applause] chop through the throat [Applause] Larry get away from me concealing [Applause] great but I got my rent-a-car in Dallas you know I had the GPS have you seen the GPS heard the GPS GPS love the GPS tells you what to do that's beautiful and so nice driving along turn left now turn right up ahead turn around and go the other way and I get into Dallas you're on your own your guess is as good as mine good luck and may the force be with you I love the GPS and when you make a wrong turn do something bad it's like recomputing be computing not you [ __ ] no you idiot no he computing the fact I want life GPS that's what I want you know just tell me what to do in my life your fly is down purchase gum your breath smells like the sewer but what we need is marriage GPS guys marriage GPS wouldn't that be awesome tell us what to do guys don't know say something about her hair hey what's up with your hair [Applause] recomputing GPS though that's funny I love the GPS it's really cool I just have redneck GPS man turn left at Walgreens you don't see a pit bull and a go-cart look these keep going no you went up reap reap we're doing it again doing it again you need GPS you every event I mean cuz you ask people for directions you know and they don't have you know a lot of people did us don't know you're been in a small town you have no idea how to get anywhere you have some old guy for directions hey how do I get to the mall from here no from Pakistan I was going to start from there you draw me a map slappy that'd be great her it is that we can use when we need and everything can be okay so while back I put on a Facebook post asking for ideas of Christian customers I got over 10,000 responses for you freeze you think I'm kidding it was over 10,000 and I read them all and I narrowed it down to about a hundred quality Christian custard alternatives I haven't memorized it yet but i do recycle' programs to just take any of these and start using a little crystals okay so listen up shucks rats gadzooks shizzle dude crap oh look holy moly holy stick if only only welcome only Pony Mac will holy cut off all these folks holding buckets bucket head turn you like to pin Steve spill family flippin horse hockey horse feathers Worth fatuity Bowie both 20 shut the front door criminy vitamin A right good greatly good grief great googly-moogly ghost 18 ever hockey sticks some of the biscuits some of escalators some of the Baptist preachers are making that son of a nutcracker son of a motherless goat [Applause] where's your mother I guess it's just for heaven's sake for the whole the paint for pete's sake jumpin Jehosaphat [Music] go buy milk and a crab man gee willikers mother of pearl should be darn hurt farfegnugen cotton-pickin heavens to Betsy my dad tell what the hey stop post not other stuff [Applause] you going fartknocker we don't want you here maybe but why is dr. Clark after breaking a pickle next time partner [Music] Spurs Keith Louise mother Frances Judas Priest Bob Saget Pat Sajak now this month everyone stub your toe shut that mess over the planet you shut that hole over the book or have a crammed accrued muffin right in your Bible we're cramming from up and right at their return kiss my breath Bolshevik [Music] winged dragon eggs here a lot of dumb things that people say we overused words in this country don't we it's a per load of words we got to stop using so much like that's the best oh that's the best no it's not that's amazing mm-hmm that's unbelievable we over used that word unbelievable we don't we I was eating some deer sausage with my buddy he's like man this deer sausage is unbelievable no it's not just say it it's just a good piece of deer sausage man it's not unbelievable now the bald eagle wearing a tuxedo flew down and dropped some deer sausage in your mouth yeah that's unbelievable right there I'll give you that that is unbelievable because that's a bald eagle wearing a tux drop and sausage in your mouth you don't see something like that every day unless you're a Catholic they see stuff like that all the time but not a normal person hey what that's awesome man that's unbelievable right then we overused this phrase most that's the worst you've heard people say that that's the worst that's the worst really that's the worst that is the worst my wife and I dropped our daughter off at the mall not too long ago she was better to meet her friends and her friends weren't there yet my daughter was distraught Oh my friend my friend that's not how she talks with it's really funny my friends aren't here my friends aren't here yet no I can't go shopping I have to wait for them until they get here on time I can't go to a shop in my wife it's like I know honey that's the worst really that's the worst being stuck in the mountains are being lost you know out at sea with sharks circling around you if you're not in a more of a pickle there that's the worst he imagined like those Chilean miners remember those Chilean miners a few years ago got stuck in that mine for like 30 days do you think they're down at mine going they see no good right here man we've been down in his mind for a long time you know we got no foot away we got no water to drink there's not a lot of air left to breathe we may not live to see another day my friend this this is the worst the only thing the only thing that I can people right now yes let me finish please the only thing BC but right now the only thing that I can think of right now that could possibly be worse than this is you know sometime when you're at the mall [Applause] and your friends aren't there to meet you yet and you want to go shopping but Japan so you're gonna wait around on a curve like ten minutes or something I tell you a DC but my friend but that policy worst right there Mexican policy what in the barnyard noises women old people that do it off okay I've got a bad mic here [Laughter] [Laughter] and that's why I found Jesus and I got a kidney stone I think you just just shattered right there we got it Rick a check seems a little good Korea three nights we're gonna be fine but no no also kids I want to be sure John and I talk about stuff [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] guess it didn't matter that I've gained so much weight I get another shot you're just gonna throw this home okay hold it in the middle Phoenix two thousand bucks apiece [Applause] a grantor crane killed in the middle a couple is me over you know how fast you're going hold it in the middle sir thank you okay hold this one on the end okay hold it in the middle I brought my resume if anybody wants to hire me I know it's the Mormon joke that's got his getting back anniversary I keep doing it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] what should see them operate this might be it - one two one two one two power over this just right the jokes [Music] let's see did you do the kids all that you know it's I can't do anymore I can't do this do it I know all this to connect with you people we'll come back and see what happens here's what we'll do we'll do a 10-minute intermission okay we do that second thing to do take it rub each other's shoulders and together we'll be right back okay I love Comi it's fun spot the unexpected you have no clue what I'm gonna do next do you ma'am what's your name Roxanne you don't have to wear that thing tonight Roxanne you have no clue what I'm gonna do next day [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you didn't know I was gonna do that did you Roxanne it's all about surprise Roxanne so I tell people all over the country you got to do something different do stuff that people don't expect you know like I tell my kids that when they're in class you know teach your ask them a question they don't know the answer to don't make up some dumb answer try that [Applause] they will never ask you a question again can't afford to go to movies can't rent movies cuz IO late fees to every video rental place in a 20-mile radius of my house on the blockbuster witness relocation program right now to change my identity if I want to rent a movie let's buy a car no we're paying off chitty-chitty bang-bang sweetheart I love my Walmart is my favorite I look I think when I die I'm gonna donate my body to Walmart made me a front door greeter you see how you go get a card love to a comedy there's a few bad things about being a comedian now I have my own hand gesture when I tell people I'm a comedian they go oh dude you're Canadian they do that everywhere and we're in the road hooda come be done only footy guy see no other profession has that it's like oh you're a substitute teacher [Applause] you work at the golf course like weather in Texas we have those bad hurricanes this year and they still send the hurricane correspondent down there to the scene of the hurricane to show you how bad it is why do they do this I mean we can see how bad it is and I see the trees going back and forth see the cows flying across the screen [Applause] [Music] it's my best counter-strike then they have this thing called relative humidity which I have no idea what that's for like today the relative humidity it's gonna be 80 degrees outside but it's gonna feel like 112 well then it's 112 like say I'm gonna hug you but it's gonna feel like I'm slapping you in the face back at you Jim but if there is ever any hit the snow they just shut her down baby oh you got you're used to they just don't you think enough hoodie there's a flurry both the doors state of Texas has one bag of sand get on the road like a salt shaker be ready in a minute pepper mill it's hard to not lose weight in Texas cause everything's fried down there gravy is a beverage it is chicken-fried steak is everywhere in every restaurant of Texas you will find chicken-fried steak which a Chinese restaurant they had chicken-fried steak it's called Kung Pao papa Arup and my family eats way too much I don't feel a-- anybody has a father like this my dad actually around the holidays he's always complaining about how much he ate do this why can't I eat like a normal human being go take a nap right here yeah bring me a piece of pie like dad can we leave the restaurant first gotta write down what you hear the way people talk is funny in Texas I heard these two guys at a store talking about this thin girl they're like hi Dave check her eye out man she's pretty thin she better start eating or people gonna think she's dyslexic the disease grappler saw this guy bragging on his kid at a little league game he's like everybody right fellas right arm and his left arm he's amphibious special child you have there's heard two people fighting in a Walmart one times like hey honey don't get your panties in an uproar sounds not quite right sir but people all over the world speak funny like that you know I was in the corporate world I was interviewing this guy I think he was from India and I could tell he was nervous because midway through the interview he goes yes sir I just want to get my crack in the door you do you're hired sir she really want this job yeah you common either thought this a beautiful crowd tonight we do I do a lot of tough crowds you know last week I did a midnight lock-in for some middle schoolers about 500 of them talked about some pain there right before going they throw in candy to the kids I'm like oh yeah I get him sugared up that'll be great like 500 Bevis clowns [Applause] crowd some of your toughest crowds are in churches go to church a while back in the middle my actus lady gets up I can't believe you're making fun of rednecks Haley you think you are so listen mom can you sit down I'm in the middle of an act here spit out your Copenhagen ain't alive in the sanctuary some good some bad in churches all over you know same thing there's some phrases that I get kind of uncomfortable with I hear in church as I go to like the phrase love on you if you ever heard that one it's like the past like where's Mona welcome you visitors wages my love on you I'm going okay I don't think I want to be loved on by you folks just yet overuse phrases like God gave me this and God gave me that you ever been a church and you see the lady come up and saying God gave me the thumb he gave it to me and then she sings the song and you're thinking maybe you should give it back love the airports I love those moving sidewalks they have at the airport so I can get to the wrong gate quicker I feel so judgmental on the moving sidewalk you know of the people who don't use the moving sidewalk I'm more like do you people not see this what about this do you not get I like to get off in you nothing just run where did that guy come from is that the flash this was my favorite superhero the flash he didn't really have a superpower he was just prompt airplanes are great except it's hard to sleep on an airplane I flew to Seattle the other day for our flight what if they can give us a little bit bigger pillows something bigger than a chiclet let me fluff this thing oh yeah it's right in the crease right there yeah can I have a hundred more of these please yeah no no it's fine it's plenty then you give you that blanket it's getaway size of a dishtowel yeah almost covers the whole pectoral right there yeah just like my comforter at home I mean while and right now and then the seats are the worst how do you sleep in an airplane seat they're just like given the seat you know you're kind of like this yeah and that's about it right there whiplash is underrated right oh yeah that's great Posturepedic right I think I'll roll over hey my seat goes bad [Music] well I remember that kicking myself up [Applause] you got any restaurants you know particularly like when you're on the road one of my favorites is the International House of Pancakes or IHOP for you members carrying memories of us it's tough and I have because my favorite thing is called the rooty tooty fresh and fruity kind of hard to be macho when you're ordering the ready to tea freshen Rudy you only glow yeah give me one of them are out there [Music] I'll eat the Rudy yeah ma'am give me the Rudy take just give me the rooty tooty fresh and fruity [Applause] extra strawberry [Applause] [Music] and a coffee [Applause] then you got to rent cars when you're on the road the other day I had an upgrade for a rent-a-car they gave me a Geo Metro upgrade I was like what am I gonna was I gonna get skates [Applause] he won't be a little late to the beat love reddit cars when you're in a rent-a-car cuz you don't need clean axes [Applause] it's not your car you can do that get the stock waiver baby that thing but actually got fired I used to rent cars has a job I won't name the company enterprise um well I got fired one day I was I don't know it's kind of a weird mood this guy comes in he's like didn't get the exact car he wanted I wanted election oh we don't have in you know we just said sir this the only car we have he's like well do they have heated sinks I said well if you go like this [Music] [Applause] she fired me very hurt Oh people drive crazy in Texas man I don't know if they drive crazy here people just don't know how to use their cell phones they don't I'm sure none of you have that I was driving the day this lady was swerving in and out of traffic talking on her cell phone and doing her makeup at the same time driving with her knees hey ho ho so upset man I almost spilled my bowl of cereal I mean that is this road right there can't drink milk anymore Mr Hudson well what am I gonna drink well you can try rice milk yeah thanks doc where do I pay and then rice milk is like drinking baby spit-up it's just awful you know what I'm talking about and then these I got to go to the health food store you ever go to the health food store why do people that work at the health food store looks so unhealthy swag [Applause] to the precious [Applause] [Music] terrible rice milk so much more expensive than regular milk I don't know why guess because the rice is harder to milk I don't know gotta have real small fingers yes I'm a professional smart aleck ladies and gentlemen I learned it at a young age I had a smart aleck fourth grade teacher her name was mrs. Nelson he's one of those ladies that used to he didn't use the exact right grammar she'd make you look dumb in front of the whole class it's like I go hey miss Nelson can I go to the bathroom [Music] [Music] like I can and I just did smart aleck calling my lawyer but I found that I asked I asked smart a lot questions too just like my dad took my family on a road trip my kid goes hey Dad I gotta go to the bathroom Oh number one or number two doofus my dad just do this hey Dad I gotta go the bathroom no you don't magic I don't [Applause] know you don't you remember how bored we used to get we're kids on road trips we'd have a gameboy post thing we had to that was the scratch-and-sniff for the car that's your sketch yeah [Applause] [Music] you're my mom this is great well this game a sketch you remember how board made me I don't know if any of you've done this where you roll down the window and put your do the hand in the wind thing that for 300 miles [Applause] my dad would not stop man he would stop when we were out of gas that's when my dad would stop 350 miles remember you'd lose like the use of your knees when you got out of the car like a pelican terrible my dad would read the road signs out loud he'd read of my logic please take precaution is part of the eye because there's many construction workers and we had one rule on our road trips that role was if dad rolls down the window everyone rolls down the window you drive along Hey [Applause] ABB's coke telling me come on cut it out real funny real funny pick your brother up he fainted come on and my dad was all these people he was like he has a master's degree in college but he still has to hang a tennis ball in the garage to help him park the car it's not an oil tanker it's a Pinto no no he's gotta be just hit that once yo just ride [Applause] let it go Agassi ah see different things I was on a talk show in Jacksonville Florida I was with this guy I was being interviewed the other guy was a baby expert and he had this new video go called teacher baby how to read I like do what good is that really I mean they can't talk

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 326,424

Rating: 4.6978741 out of 5

Keywords: Tim Hawkins, Comedy, Comedian, Comedian Tim Hawkins, Funny, Hilarious, Christian Comedian Tim Hawkins

Id: dIgEDyeUs0Q

Length: 119min 29sec (7169 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 17 2019