Thor Ramsey

this fellow many of you know he was on a and he's not on the anthe improv she has been on television on many different occasions he is toured with Shonda Pierce and mark Lowry and so he has been on tour out with other folks as well he is hysterically funny very original very authentic and a true stand up stand-up comedian would you please make welcome Chonda Pierce slash on the pass welcome this is so fun I'm so excited my name is Thor Ramsay sit down please sit sit please sit no sit down let me begin the show sit down don't worry they'll put in pictures of people standing just sit down sit down I'm so excited for many reasons the first reason I'm excited is I saw a movie last night and I haven't seen a movie in like six months cuz you know I had laid charges so it's like you know and swing on a movie binge saw the first two Lord of the Rings on DVD have you all seen Lord of the Rings Lord of the Rings yes yeah Lord of the Rings I love it missing one shot each of the films missing one shot because each of the films has that scene with the guy on the horse you know and he's he's galloping up in front of like 10,000 guys and he's giving him the speech there you know today we will fight as they need to cut that guy in the back going what'd he say I think he thinks I can hear I'm ten thousand guys back did someone say something there's no money Python skit at that point I think move I'm a big movie fan I think movies can really change your life I saw To Kill a Mockingbird when I was 10 and really had an impact on me taught me about racism so I'll Swiss Family Robinson when I was 10 learned an important lesson from that I learned watching Swiss Family Robinson that if my family and I were ever stranded on a tropical island and attacked by pirates we could take them it's a coconut [Applause] The Sixth Sense have you ever seen the sixth sense seen that interesting movie one major flaw and the sixth sense if you're not familiar with the premise it's the movie about a little boy who can talk to dead people and apparently the dead people need his help so if I was that little boy this would be my message to the dead people okay dead people listen up if you need my help stop scaring the pants off me stop showing up what neck through your arms and arms through your neck stop showing up like that it's okay cuz there's that classic scene with the little girl who's been murdered she wants to bring her murderer to justice she does the videotape that will do that he has to go in the bedroom to get the videotape can she just handed to him no she's got a height of the bed grab a cycle help me stop scaring me you ever watch a scary movie at a friend's house and go to get in your car before you start it up you give your backseat one of those psycho sweeps yeah make sure no xscape mental patients have crawled in your back see so it's really kind of stupid where there's somebody back there actually stick your finger in his nose what are you doing I'm looking for you I have found you you must leave my car you scare me and some of us get in our car start driving away we flick our dome lights on swing our heads back there make sure just not jumping from side to side explain that to a cop when he pulls you over you know you're weaving pretty badly there who's looking for a murderer I think he's jumping from side to side be careful when you go back he's he's sneaky sneaky now my wife pulls this one when we're at home and we're in bed together we sleep together because we're married now if you don't know about that if you're single with cool thing about being married is your wife gets to sleep over so we're in bed together and my wife will pull this thing should go what listen what listen I don't hear anything I don't either what is it I don't hear anything I don't either I don't hear anything this guy is really good then I do this my wife takes our 3-year old and goes and visits her mother and I'm home alone in bed and I'm scared well the first thing I do is I pull one of these things you know they lay in there because I'm in bed now the lights are I didn't know it was scared till I got in bed and the lights are off too late now just gotta lay there and pull that you know we gonna do this thing and though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall she marries that I've got nothing but what I do is I tucked my feet and my head under the covers there because then he can't get me yeah some cycles gonna break in my room his feet are tucked under how do i penetrate this claw she'll he has about him I have been defeated I'll be the laughingstock of all the monsters I think we've all done this at one point though you watch a scary movie downstairs have to walk upstairs you always end up running those last few steps you're like I think you know if you're running from something invisible how do you know you're faster ghosts could have been waiting at the top of the stairs both I didn't see you because I'm a ghost hey I need your help first crowd to get that this year I've always been a [ __ ] though I've just always been a [ __ ] it's just I'm a [ __ ] even before I was married I was a [ __ ] you know I'd be at a club or something some God want to beat up my date I'd be like well honey shouldn't have bumped him guys need to take it outside yeah spill my coke I'm afraid actually just bought my jacket here today at Nordstrom's and yes thank you I want to give Nordstrom's a plug because it's going back tomorrow didn't really go with my checkbook so I went and got my haircut the beauty college so that explains that there we go to these places the beauty colleges they cut your hair for like a Snickers never go don't have this actual footage just students cutting my hair teacher standing there going no no Monique this your last chance try the other side sir you need to hold still you need to hold still hold hold so they grab that paper trow curd pull it for control put that tape around the church maybe she should study some more at the beauty college sure there's some kind of studying involved at a beauty college rinse lather repeat rinse lather repeat [Applause] [Music] slather rinse repeat oh my notes are wrong I got a big test tomorrow beauty school dropout I don't normally dance but hey if you react beauty school I was that too had all these fashion magazines thrown out afraid to look at and I was noticing than all the cover girls all of them that's just a few all the cover girls we're all these pale skinny little waif women they're just you know they were like weather like that right there basically you know throw a shirt on that make a walk you got a fashion show right there this is new she comes out with a planetary system above her head marshmallows hanging off her dress every boner by just pretty sure that skeletons and evening gowns is a sign of the apocalypse folks who decides this stuff who decides for an entire decade all the models give me a little pull women look like a fashion High Priest makes all this stuff I don't like that the men they look they let the women that like this new bling this has been the more she lives in new way she'll be the new model how you doing dear and she's coming in the runway quick take her picture before she falls did you do here's a cracker not really no keys no keys you get no keys I've enlisted my folks here so I feel if you're overweight and you've always been overweight then you're not overweight that is called maintaining let's not be fooled by these false standards they've set up my wife and I we did this adkins diet for a while y'all familiar with the Adkins diet all protein Oh meat diet eat nothing but like slim jims and pepperoni slices I give me a pound - bacon I'm on a diet man that's the kind of diet I want to be on that diet works - I ended up in the hospital hey let me tell you what you're hooked up to an IV that's when the pounds really start to drop off you know you tend to lose weight when you're dead I found out I ended up in the hospital called bad Kaiser Permanente do you have this year Kaiser is the name of a hospital chain around the country Kaiser Permanente first of all folks when you're naming a hospital the last word you on the title it's permanent okay how about Kaiser temporary yeah how about that and who is the Kaiser of Kaiser whatnot CEA's running this place all right I don't want to state a hospital called Kaiser Permanente I'm gonna stay at a hospital called needle st. Luke's actually apostles' miracle-working Medical Center okay I want to see some Christians walking through the hallways I want to hear some tambourine see some banners give me some hope wait towel off real quick here but sad khun's diet the seconds that is so popular in Southern California where I live you can actually go to like an in-and-out burger or order a protein wrap it's raining now it's like a fast-food place order approach protein wrap let me do that over this Adkins dad is so popular where I live Southern California you can actually go to like a fast-food joint order a protein wrap and they know what you're talking about the protein wrap if you're not familiar with that that is a cheese burger without the bun but they wrap it in the lettuce like an idiot I've been putting my lettuce on top of the food the key to health wrap the lettuce around your food the lettuce acts like Frodo's cloaked and the food becomes invisible invisable food has no calories it's a great plan seems like it seems to me sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to our health you know cuz we all know somebody who's like 140 years old they've been smoking since there were nine weeks old talking to this elderly gentleman after a show or night I said how come smoking hasn't affected your health he actually said this to me he goes well I didn't know it was bad for me that's the key to health ignorance I mean give me some hope give me something man well I wrap my cigarettes and lettuce when they Adkins smoking plan my wife and I my wife and I my wife and I went to join a fitness center and that's it's a Hokie to that story we went to join and we still have like I said we've got like six of these AB video workouts just stacked in the corner of the stairs there you ever hear were popping one of those ad videos and I just end up laying there watching the whole thing honey rewind that I'd like to do it again I am on a roll but fitness center we got approached by this female bodybuilder personal trainer lady whose body was wrong don't workout into your body is wrong okay she had her hair up a little bun I thought you know turns out it was a muscle [Laughter] [Applause] ma'am I think you're doing squats wrong we should not be able to flex your head you can flex your head you're doing something wrong I wrote a check for our membership fee and a bounced guy the fitness place does your check bounced like well it is a gym you're been overwhelmed by your financial situation you're been sitting there going through your bills thinking yourself there's no way I can get out of debt unless my spouse dies not that you'd wish that upon them of course you're you're just sitting there making out checks you know honey how you feeling making out checks thinking about you it's just thinking about you honey I done the math you got to go don't know how to keep you first night never met my wife she goes what's your dental plan what's my dental plan I mean understand at County since 1987 okay my dental plan I just chew on the side that doesn't hurt okay that's uh it's my dental plan I don't know how to get out of debt it told my wife we should have eight kids homeschool them charging tuition that's a plan that is a plan had to stop writing checks for a while because I lost my driver's license and to get a new license and to go to the DMV and if you call it that here Department of Motor Vehicles and I'm in line at the DMV I don't last time you've been but if you go they have a line and I'm standing in line on there you know 15 minutes when I realize you know first thing the DMV needs is two lines showered and unshowered that's the first thing they need who brought their cap you bring your if you take your dog to the DMV buy one of those deodorant stick ups put it on your dog's rump okay help me out something you ever you ever ever smell wake you up in the middle of the night you're been sitting there good what's that smell what is that smell go back to sleep honey wake up what is that smell what is realize you're sleeping with your arm up [Applause] all those people got up came directly to the DMV and I was surrounded by them [Applause] stink that can wake you up from a dead sleep and and you know I'm standing there I think you're there 45 55 65 fast forward 70 minutes it's a and you just this is it I'm just standing in line it's very hard to stand in line cuz this is it this is all you can do there's nothing you can do to entertain yourself you can't office and just break out into song and when you're a jet you're you can't do that well you can but they won't give you a license and then you realize I could have made an appointment you know about the appointments why every time I get there I forget into like an hour and a half like did you make an appointment then you just skip by everybody in line fine with the late finally forget the ladies gonna take my picture get to the ladies gonna take my picture this point I'm gonna know if I'm a Christian anymore so I'm suffering from line rage you know lion rages you know lessen the line moves the person in front of you just stands there look I know it's only six inches but I want the illusion of progress okay I want to stand where you are then you stand where they were that to a line works this is you this is the line moving Lenny take my picture actually says this to me she goes aren't you gonna smile I'm like this this renovation purpose is isn't it if I get pulled over just I'm gonna look so you take my picture I'll Drive my car that will be a relationship I didn't I didn't actually say that to her out loud thought about saying and I didn't say it out loud that would have been rude that would not have been the Christian thing to do I think it's much more Christian for me to come here and talk about her I think that's the Christian Way think about what you would have said to someone then you go tell somebody I tell you what I would have said that guy so my tongue would have done to him a slice open you're done just stay down buddy so I get my license I'm in my car now I don't know if this has ever happened to you I'm in my car I'm stopped it's no key to this story I'm stopped in my car guy in front of me starts backing up so I gotta land my horn which there's a problem with the horn if you've never noticed this our horns have no variation it's all the same whether I want you to move it a stop sign where I'm about to be hit by some ID it's the same horn those are two different horn situations okay if I just wish them to move at a stop sign I don't need I don't need that I just need a little something a little move a little move horn well I got the guy hits me inside of his car he comes around actually says this to me Sun was in my eyes well what was in your ears that was me honking I don't know the last time you took a science class for the Sun doesn't go my the sun's awful loud today should put up my Sun roof I don't want to get sound bird towel off for the cameras then there was I was a guy driving in front of me had a bumper sticker on his car said Hallmark cards and I thought to myself how convenient because that's the next thing I want to talk about some of you get it some of you're going well what he's here now so how could how could that if when you took my stapler you took my stapler I just how many of you by applause still send out Christmas cards by applause Christmas card folks why don't you buy applause do not send out Christmas cards that's about half and half it's getting very expensive that's why it's very hard now it'll make this up my wife and I'll sit down at Christmas season with our Christmas card list and we make cuts Ronco bills not pulling his weight anymore I'm afraid just not hustling ever knows not to like all birthday cards are all like mean and sarcastic the cards back because you're nearly dead get it black ha ha oh man my wife and I've decided this my sister is the only one who sends me nice birthday cards they're very sappy but I know she means it because she underlines all the important parts like birthday see show underlined with one big line and then each consecutive Leno gets smaller and smaller and smaller till it's like a triangle fade out so if she didn't do that it would just be happy birthday but now with that it's birthday makes all the difference in the world my wife and I have decided that the most difficult holiday to buy greeting cards for is Mother's Day because Mother's Day cards or because cuz they're also fake it's all Mother's Day cards say some on them in big flowery letters like to the most wonderful mother in the world why couldn't make a card that said you did the best you could I love you anyway Corazon I got a card back yeah and you were disappointment - happy birthday my wife and I had the same problems with our wedding invitations wedding invitations same way they all say something big flower letters like come join with us in the celebration [Applause] why can't they just make a car this is here hungry because we need a microwave just for a little reality in there give me a little truth my wife and I and my wife and I've been married now for 10 years we've been married for 10 years we've known each other for three I can say this to you single people because I hear you I hear you but I can tell you stop worrying about it the love thing stop worrying about it cuz I hear you want to fall in love [Music] marry somebody you don't love then when I then when they get upset it's not that big a deal be practical you're gonna be disappointed too either way oh man see we got these cultural standards in our society and our cultural standard for romance is like the romantic comedy and we go to these romantic comedies no like you go home to your life your life's never gonna be like that they don't show the reality of life the blood and guts to life and never see meg Ryan with a pair of tweezers pulling the hair out of Tom Hanks ears and I'll show you that where's my wife I take a pair of tweezers she pulls the hairs one by one from my ears something I find painful and unnecessary apparently she wants to make sure she's being heard they don't show you that in the romantic comedies they don't show you what ruins an intimate moment you know when you're nibbling on someone's ear and you taste wax the doctor I love you then I'll show you the guys who cleaned their belly buttons and then smell their fingers they don't try that yeah let's not kid ourselves folks something many men including myself enjoy doing I'm not sure why that's a comforting smell that's it's like umbilical therapy is what that is oh those were the days yeah mm-hmm float and get fed that is it that's when life was simple and I think I can say two things to you men as I'm a man I can speak into your lives first thing is just remember this whether you're married or not don't do her laundry if you want to help out do your laundry fine don't do her laundry because each article of women's clothing has some unique wash recipe that we don't know about did you just watch this vows yeah you can't just watch this bow it has to be Rosen owe me lunch before you wash it sprinkle with salt and vinegar and shake it all about and do the hokey-pokey and and well well they're out that and while we're talking about clothing just guys clothing as a gift no don't you can't do it no and just the and uh the Victoria's Secret that store makes me nervous okay I got a pace out in front of that store for about 10 or 15 minutes break up the courage to walk inside and once I get inside I got to walk around 10 or 15 minutes bring up the courage to try anything on yeah which now it'd also be a sign of the apocalypse right there folks men in lingerie and skeletons and evening gowns two signs of the Apocalypse if you're following along the comedy apocalypse chart I'd say this so if you're saying oh just a Valentine's Day is harder the longer you're married okay I'm here because I hear ice here seeing folks or no don't don't you it's easy for you right now because there's just one bit ten years I don't know what there's nothing left I don't want to buy okay Valentine's Day is just the most I think I can say this on behalf of all men concerning Valentine's Day I think when I speak for all men when I say it is the most high pressure stress inducing guilt-ridden holiday ever created by a greeting card company cuz there's even if you try if you call up a flourish yeah give me your best arrangement for like 20 bucks hey honey how'd you like your seeds pick those out myself I knew they'd fit nice and a card I know how important the card is whole occasion I don't know what else I don't know what's left there is just either there either there's flowers cards and candy that's I don't know what else there's I can't that's it I'm done I don't have to get you to here honey is the bag of blood happy Valentine's Day it's all I got left sucking the life out of me this holiday I love you that's pretty much a clear picture of marriage right there oh man so we've got a I have a three and a half year old daughter and just I have nothing negative to say about being a parent man I just love that kid so much I cannot believe how much I love this kid of mine there's like there's like an invisible cord running from her to me and it's just a constant supply of joy she's just completely I just I don't convinced that a child will never love its parent as much as that parent loves the child and that's why most of us think our parents are idiots but we have her she's just a great kid we love her and we named her about a week ago naming a kid I cannot believe what a grueling experience that was we'd sit down have these little conferences and you know we like uh how about Audrey honey mm-hmm I knew an Audrey once I didn't like her how about Sally no I went to high school with it no like every name's got some sort of bad association connected to it people like hey what do you name your baby I don't know but I got a list of people I hate be my new prayer list right there my wife and I we're just we're just trying to figure out the parenting thing you know cuz we had parents and we know they did it wrong so we're just trying to figure out I think we'll all do things a little differently I want to discipline my daughter differently than my mother disciplined me because my mom's formative disciplining me as a kid was to yell at the top of her lungs which would produce the exact opposite behavior in me you know she must have been cheering me on it was like a frazzled mother cheered did you just hear what I said did you just hear me did you hear me am I talking to myself am I talking to myself you get to try the main guns you driving me nuts you driving and don't tell me I was that stable before I had you ray okay get your head in the car get your head in the color the semis gonna come by or swipe your head clean off all of us assume I can swipe my head off maybe you're driving too close to the centerline maybe that could be the problem mother I want to take my jacket off so bad you can't believe it I don't want to get a sweaty take a backseat to buying the buy the thing now just build GTN what's this bill for him he sweated in his jacket oh when you're raising kids those you think about how your parents raised you and I was thinking about how my dad taught me how to ride a bike which I hope this is not I hope this is not being passed on from generation to generation I'm gonna stop the cycle in my family it's my mat okay my dad taught me to read by like this actual footage I'm like four or five years old and my dad puts me on the banana seat I come from the banana seat era what's around the banana seat grabs the front of the handlebars the back of the banana seat and then he explains to me how to ride a bike in that patient loving way the fathers often use the games almost back gonna settle that bye come on crash come back get back on and one two come on now it's only grass you know like grass makes a difference with that bar down the middle dad there's a bar that goes down the middle of the boys bike dad I don't get it I'm for the only thing I have to say about the bar that goes down the middle of boys bike is [Applause] it doesn't give up come on you can do it let's go and pretty soon all the neighborhood dad's came over they're all giving me heaves yeah turned into some sort of lawn game you Chuck him I'll see if I can hit him with a lawn dart yes I got him that's a shoulder is there air conditioning in this building man okay let's go back to the show now I have no complaints about my childhood actually I had a decent childhood was born in a small town nearly died in a small town well if any of you had near-death experiences or not but had a near-death experience and graft in North Dakota I was there somehow they live in that tundra I was there in January and I'm passing a semi on a two-lane highway as I go to get back in my lane my car starts spinning out of control in front of the semi and he's honking at me you know like I'm goofing off and it's to make honking at you to me sounds like you know the dead dead dead you're dead dead you're dead dead you're dead dead you're dead I guess it'd be like dead you're dead my car's heading towards the ditch which is just as scary as having about having a semi bear down on you because the ditches outside so many small towns you did there like cliffs there just like we just want to make them crash right here in this area if we could have just make them crash and just just save the corn that's the main thing we don't want them rolling and damaging the crops you just build a moat between the road and the corn and then we'll put up spikes along the road periodically just remind people save the gold I grew up in there have you heard of small town gosh a lot of you let me see some hands no hands right right back here right back here what's your name right here Linda where you from Hinson West Virginia and what is the population of Hinton West Virginia maybe five thousand if you stretch it and if you don't stretch it we have a number for that maybe 4500 so you're exaggerating nothing wrong with that except that it's very close to lying god bless you now what's what's hit in West Virginia known for was it I think you're stretching I thank you sure it was the county seat of Warren allah Kim no no not work we're not impressed any bait what's that summer scouting no coal mining so is she watching a different show trying to figure out where this conversation started and all of a sudden there's no coal mining you're right you're right there's no coal mining good security security now who's that small-town we're all right up front here which Annie right here my friend I'm very close to Donny deal [Applause] he is a Baptist preacher alright are you oh just like Suzy astok all the time and walking the Russian I like to order something right now give me some eggs give me some eggs give me some eggs I like some bacon yeah see that bacon thank you for that bacon I see that bacon thank you for that bacon yeah and what's your name I'm sure what's your name again what was what John and you're from where John threw him for a second there wait is I just answer that what was I had my mental facilities a moment ago come Holy Spirit and so and how what's the size of that town in Ohio that you're from fifteen thousand that's not this is actually you know from where I'm that's nice let me get no did John right now get back to you John that's sick another small town right in here was there small to know this my wretched name right here merry way from groping what did she say that what you saying oh she grew up sorry about the groping thing Mary didn't mean anything by Trevor the Baptist preachers ears now and what's the population of where you from eight thousand okay that's actually anybody here like from a small I thought we were playing the small town game all right right here what's your name marker where you from Beaver Ohio when what's population of Beaver Ohio they tell you they touch where they tell me I'm from that day they found me in the side of the road without any memory they filled it all in for me and Here I am see a thousand a thousand now see John that's twenty five thousand that's kind of what I was looking for it's a thousand so the next time we play the small town game you might know how to play [Applause] god bless you I'm from a small town in Nebraska I come from the kind of small town you can actually call the post office and gold I get any mail excuse me we have apparently have some mail it's gonna scary when your postal worker follows you to work I have a mail for mr. Ramsay I'm working ma'am oh it's mail everyone likes mail and what's your name well what's your name over here oh now sudden she's embarrassed I'm in the middle of a bit now that you've interrupted what's your name oh no no no now you've hurt my feelings and I'm not doctor are you a postal worker just from a small town I just hit you oh just with one post office your post office and grocery store in the same building okay here there's children starving in Africa we must do something let's put the post office in the grocery store that way people can mail food all right I come from the kind of small town this isn't gonna work down but I got to do it I came from the kind of small town you can actually call the post office but make sure no one has any more comments and come up the post office ago now get any mail could you read that to me I come from Dakota City Nebraska Dakota City Nebraska town a fifteen hundred and three people twenty five thousand shepherds in the evening thank you thank you for applauding the death of a dog thank you I supports you in the demise of a canine and I don't make that up actually this is back of the day you can actually do it get away with it my dad shot one of the neighbors dogs my brother shot one of the neighbors dogs I'm not I'm not condoning it okay I'm just saying I'm just saying they stopped barking that's all I'm saying okay it's 2:00 in the morning what is this dog so desperately trying to communicate at 2:00 in the morning what's he have to say help me I'm trapped in the yard I can't get out dog you're actually open your window and yell at a dog shut up dog like the dogs down there going sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry it realize that I'm sorry no he'll be right at your window no help me help me help me help me help me help me the other dogs the neighborhood they hear them they join in help here here's the thing that gets me he's barking in your yard the owners yard oh he's next to your window oh why don't you hear him okay now I will say this don't shoot your neighbor's dog that's not the way to handle it then you got a dead dog in their front lawn with a bullet hole in its head how do you how do you cover that up take a little pissed off or the next two it's Paul leave little notes it's a flea thing it says right here I can't take any moment here's a raw step right there in the note [Music] cuz the barking thing bothers me cuz night is generally when I sleep I don't know what your habits are I'm a night sleeper I love to sleep love it to sleep love it love sleep a lot love to sleep sleep mmm love it I love it sleep love it love to sleep man I have dreams about taking naps I love sleep I'm at least people too I have that total silence complete darkness oh I can't fall asleep at night and I tell you something you people who snore you sandblasters of the night you callers of the Hogs how do people make these noises these sounds like where's this stuff come from it's like you're laying there in a coma with the constant reminder [Music] I'm asleep you are not even the dogs are outside going rollover dogs and you're keeping us away that makes special bandages for you people now oh you just can't find those just duct tape or brick to your nose or something just keep it flat and open for us help us out and some of you sleep on your backs with your mouths open you get that a backwards sucking backward breathing you know I never thought served a purpose till I notice we never have to dust she's sleep in the other room keep the whole house clean use your gift if the knife snoring or backward breathing they gets a little trick here over this little tricks a little what is that exactly what are you shifting gears in sleep oh man I think I hit fifth gear on that one seven hours 25 minutes it's a fastest I've ever slept getting pretty good at this sleep thing doing that and this is what I've discovered of being married you don't wanna share a bed with a snore you got a race into sleep oh man she beat me great I could get up and start banging stuff around and wake her up because you do not want to kick him or nudge him you kick him or nudge him they come back stronger somehow like they sleep angry I'm leaving I'm leaving I'm leaving and she gets up in the morning I didn't sleep all night I got no sleep at all that's interesting I didn't get much sleep either is up all night kicking you funny how that works and my wife god bless her she is one of these human alarm clocks you know these human alarm clock these human alarm clock people they get up before you lean over you get up sleepyhead come on pumpkin rise and shine peachy come on get up [Applause] [Laughter] you know if you wrap them on the forehead you can sleep for five more minutes in order shut them off I just don't know how to set them discovered I've discovered this a lazy person can sleep for like 12 hours they will still get upset when you wake up now would you wake me for don't you wonder ride home from work why don't you mop up that drool for somebody gets workman's comp never scare yourself with how lazy of thoughts can be scary sometimes how lazy I'm I'm thinking to myself the other day I'm thinking wouldn't it be great if they made baby walkers for adults that would be great then you can actually walk and sit at the same time I would be safer I think too you know you get hit by a car just spin away sorry it's alright man you just hit my bumper I'm okay I'm alright I just man you messed up my counting beads not how many blocks I've walked here's what actually provoked this whole line of thinking I noticed this about myself the other day I saw pathetic this is what a pathetic how big a slacker I am I dropped something the other day and before I've been over to pick it up I'm Lando you would do one of these I'll make this noise because I have to bend over what's the matter I have to bend over I have to use my body now unless it's an ice cube then I can just kick it under the fridge if I'm barefooted I just pick it up with my toes was that drink you wanted so another one I pulled I'd pull this one the other day pull into a gas station take the cap off but the somebody call the handle thing in the tank and all of a sudden I'm like great upset because they don't have a little latch thingy to get the pump running what do I work here she's like having a job or something help me it's like using a rotary phone how do they do this kids up front I'm gonna what's what's a rotary phone man just explain it to each other Ben there's numbers and they spin they spun the numbers why would they spin numbers didn't they punch they spun the numbers that didn't punch the numbers Wow were they stupid they didn't they hadn't invented the punch yet before the punch was invented oh man so what I love about being married now though I never have to worry about being lazy on a date again never get caught being lays in a date that's embarrassing it's actual footage my wife and I are on a date I pick her up you know I get in the car I notice she's standing outside her car door of course and I realized oh great she's too lazy to over door Letta had power windows it's open [Applause] pull the handle towards you go look towards you you're gonna be late man sometimes I'm trying to get to sleep at night I read when I try to get to sleep and trying to get through the somebody gave me the first novel on the Left Behind series which y'all see the left mine in the movie by the way yeah I saw it or not it's left behind it's the movie about it up yeah well it's a movie about the apocalypse with no special effects cause when I think what they left behind was a budget just put the oh I kid them folks come on now here's here's a thing about comedy for me as a being being a Christian and a comedian comedian who's a Christian however you want to term it you know I think laughter to me is a sign of humility you know if we can't laugh at ourselves it kind of shows we take ourselves way too seriously and you know taking yourself way too seriously as a form of pride so all right back to make in front of the church okay I actually saw this in a Kris I love to read and I'm in bookstores all the time I saw this in a Christian bookstore they actually have this their Christian breath mints called Testaments have you seen these I tried so I ended up taking them back I'm like these aren't working I'm still cussing they didn't put the Christian ones in my box I need the Christian ones and then they actually had this at the bookstore they had a prayer of Jabez ink pen I've seen this it's an ink pen it's got a little window on it every time you click it let's get a little bit the prayer of Jabez right there you know okay so the book was a little too thick for you I'd read the prayer jay-bez no but I read the pen best pen I ever read I'm just waiting for the prayer of Jabez hair gel expand my territory but the Left Behind series of books if you're not familiar with it left behind a series of novels on the end-times that never ends and if you're not familiar with the story I'll bring up to speed since someone like page 70 but it's basically a story about a reporter buck and a buck-toothed whatever his name is and buck is on an international flight when the rapture occurs now if you're not familiar with the biblical term the rapture that's when Jesus comes back to earth well he doesn't come all the way back he only comes halfway because he's the Lord he's not stupid we were not nice to him the last time I was here I'm only coming halfway because you guys aren't nice I'll tell you what I do I'll meet you in the air it's not fair and then all the followers of Jesus D materialize and their clothing drops right where they're at and then Jesus meets all these naked people and then he's gonna have robes you're in the core okay so the rapture occurs on this international flight and this is what I found funny this is in the book in the movie the rapture occurs on this flight and no one notices I guess they're all a little drowsy I thought there was someone sitting next to me oh well more peanuts now there's an elderly lady sitting across the aisle from buck and she says dumb and she goes I say young man could you check the laboratory for my husband and bucks doesn't be I'd be happy to ma'am and this is in the book in the movie she grabs a pile of clothing she holds it out she says could you taking this with you he seems to wandered off without his clothing now it occurred to me here's a lady this would be married to this man I don't know 30 40 50 years he's a known follower of Christ yet it doesn't seem to phase or that he's wandered off naked apparently he's exhibited this behavior before like this is some aggressive outreach tactic he likes to wander off naked draw a crowd Minh preach the gospel that's right folks let me tell you about my Left Behind right now I I'm warning you the end is near here's the thing folks if I say anything here tonight to offend you just remember you'd have to forgive me so precious pretty much on you I'm just trying to break some stereotypes there's so many misconceptions these days about what it means to be a born-again Christians pretty simple really just you bow your head you say simple prayer when you're open your eyes you're a registered Republican with a firearm nothing difficult about that just breaking stereotypes now I actually used to be one of those people who doesn't believe in God but he call him a Democrat he's be one of those come on now I'm not gonna get all political on ya though I will say I will say this I am against abortion I think I think it's wrong to kill a fetus teenagers I'm not so sure about say all I'm saying is the fetus that's a political term with an unborn baby you don't know what you got yet you don't know if you got the next time son the next Hitler you need to give it some time give it a chance give it give it till it's 18 at least then you can sit down and have that talk with them you know Sonia quit school you shouldn't have a job we're gonna abort you now that would make graduation a celebration you want a car for graduation I want to live then I think about tucking your shirt in there was actually time in my life I thought all Christians were dumber than myself and I'll tell you what brought about that State of Mind I was about I think I was about 11 years old now I didn't grow up and necessarily what I would call a Christian home but we did attend church you know we were inconsistent we go every now and then and I learned the various Christian prayers though I learned the Lord's Prayer you know our Father who's in heaven and then I learned that that little more but if I should die prayer you know that one now I lay me down to sleep pray to loose my prayer to Lord my soul to keep you know which is a great you know no house and now I let me down sleep precious Lord my soul to keep which is a great / - teacher kids you know if I should die before I wake good night Timmy folks your bed team they're gonna bite you all night and the Lord didn't come back and get you the bugs you gonna bite you got no chance kids to stay up thank you for praying with me but I was about 10 or 11 years old it was my habit at that age - I'd lay in bed and I would recite my prayers I do the Lord's Prayer I would do that if I should die prayer then I would do the blessings you know that you know bless my mom bless my dad bless my sister Debbie bless my brother Jimmy blessed who's ever on my good side at this point and we're do those and when I was 11 my parents went to Rochester Minnesota to see if my dad could have open our surgery and I stayed with some relatives and laid in bed that night said my prayers and the next morning I woke up and the only way I can describe it is that the presence of Christ was there in a way that I knew that I knew that I knew that Jesus loved me and I got down on my knees as an 11 year old kid and I told Jesus that I loved him and don't misunderstand what I'm saying not saying Christ appeared to me physically but I woke there was an invisible presence and I knew that that invisible presence was Jesus Christ and he was communicating to me that he loved me and I don't remember the particulars of the day but I remember walking home from school that day with a piece that I haven't had to this day and then I was about 11 years old when that happened soon after that I entered puberty I discovered girls that's pretty much my testimony I like girls good night thank you very much snow then by the time I entered college I didn't believe in morality anymore I just I didn't believe it there was such thing as right or wrong I just believed all values were culturally imposed that as a group as a society we got together decided what was best for us and and that was it and my first roommate in college was a Christian and he kept inviting me to this Bible study and just you know you know how they can be and I kept you know turning him down because I was involved in a relationship with my well the girl I was going to high no she was lived in the hometown I lived three hours away from college and I had to drive home every weekend to fight with her so I couldn't really I didn't have time for Bible studies and stuff because sorry got drive home fight fight fight right back to college drive back home the next week and fight it out drive back to college drive back home hate you next weekend you know drive back to college it was really that relationship that made me look around and go man something's gone wrong with humanity I don't mean just us there was us that did it made me look around but I saw it everywhere there was there was this some kind of rift something gone wrong with us somewhere here's I saw it everywhere this just this just this I remember when we're having this big College discussion using big college words and somebody said that what do you think the greatest problem of humanity is and I said without hesitation narcissism you know because big College word and just basically means extreme self-centeredness and that's what I saw in our relationship just these two little gods bumping heads and I saw it in relationships between other people between States political parties countries it was everywhere this thing happened and because it was like you know if ever if she would have just been able to have her world overall revolve around me we'd have been fine but she was selfish just know just joking but and that and that's really it's it's interesting when you when you don't have a value system or when you don't really examine what you believe because here I thought Christians were all dumber than myself and I'd never even I've never actually picked up the Bible and read it and that's it was like I rejected a caricature of Christianity I thought Christianity is this and whatever I thought it was and that's what I rejected it's kind of like rejecting something that doesn't even exist it's not rejecting the real thing but what I thought it was and so that relationship made me Gillan that's basically what every religion says something's gone wrong with us as you know something's gone wrong with humanity and then the so the issue is what's what's what she chanted of fixes so that made me actually go to the Bible study and just start you know what what's it all what's it about you guys what is it about and start just learning more about it and then just one day I don't really have the words to describe it but the early church father and I'm probably mispronouncing his name Siberia and I think I'm probably pronouncing it wrong but he basically said he described his experience like this and I think this describes a lot of people's experience he said one day I took that single simple necessary step toward God humbled myself before him like a child and said I believe I went underneath the Blessed waters and the water the spirit cleansed away the grime of my past as if a stain were removed from fine linen and I was bathed in that you know I was bathed in a gentle peace and all at once I was clean my darkened heart was infused with his presence and I knew I knew that the spiritual barrier between myself and God was gone our two hearts were reconciled and then I sensed the spirit the very breath of the Father coming into me from beyond this world and that's what I would say to you folks don't when you're living your life don't you sense him the father as he exists all around you you know he's willing to flood you life just go to him thirsting for new life that's all it's about and I would just say open your soul open your soul and experiences grace that is freedom love and power pouring any brandy from above filling you to overflowing open your soul to him who's your Creator and your father and be ready to receive and experience this new life which is God himself that's that's all Christianity is folks is says he who has the son has the life I'm sorry if that offends you and I don't know why it should be offensive except for this one reason something's gone wrong with humanity and that's why it's offensive see I think most people we still think we you know we still think we're pretty good folks generally we all feel like I'm a good person and let's just take a little test there's a thing the Ten Commandments just as let's just look at for as litany of you ever lied they were lying okay well what if you've lied what's what's that make you a liar okay number two let's see don't steal how many of you have ever stolen anything I'm alright what's that make you a thief okay so and let's say now I'm not gonna ask for a show of hands but thou shalt not covet and Jesus took it further says if you look on someone and lust after them you've committed adultery in your heart now you know not to show me your hands how many of you have ever lusted after someone in your heart so what what we seem to have here is we all seem to be a group of lying thieving adulterers I guess and and I think the one most pertinent to our society though can be summed up like this and people say this all the time my God would never send anyone to hell and I will say this folks your God probably wouldn't because your God doesn't exist he's a figment of your imagination you've created a God in your own image that you can live with and that is idolatry whether you create a God at a stone or wood or a God in your own mind that's idolatry and if we know anything about God at all as a people as a world it's not because we've done anything it's because God has revealed himself to us and I believe God revealed himself to the people of Israel and through the people of Israel the line of David to the line of David the person of Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ can give you the life that you are looking for I saw thank you guys have been tremendous tonight god bless you good night you you

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 106,943

Keywords: Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Comedy, Hilarious, Humor, Hysterical, Comic, Laugh, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes, Crazy, LOL, ROTFLOL, Silly, unscripted, Valentines Day, dog, barking, improv

Id: IiaAq041ufc

Length: 72min 18sec (4338 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 28 2019