Mike Williams

our comedian tonight as a comedy writer whose material has appeared on every major television network and now I want you to make welcome the third funniest man in America at least please welcome Mike Williams or Ramsey ladies and gentlemen second funniest man wow it's great to be here I'm excited three weeks ago tonight my wife gave birth to a brand-new baby boy so I'm excited that's wild ten pounds three ounces yeah who over the crowd the ladies in the room just gotta understand yes she gave birth to a toddler and it's it's it's wild I have a new respect for women because we miss the connection for the epidural and she went through 16 and a half hours of labor yes and then they went to the the salad Tong things I don't know if you've seen these things but I've been unable to eat at Olive Garden since and then then we went to the c-section and so man I I just have a new respect for her and just just love her to death and just see a beautiful baby boy his name is Coleman and yes yes Coleman co le MA and Coleman yeah nine months before he was born we went camping [Laughter] [Applause] it was pretty much between that and koa and so we thought we'd stick with the the Coleman but I went to the doctor you probably noticed I'm fairly large and I'm 294 pounds and they say that the television ads 40 pounds so pretty much unless you're in widescreen HD TV right now you're only seeing a little bit and so but I went to the doctor I'm 41 and I went to the doctor and I said doc I've got this new kid and it's a little nervous because you know this kid I'm doing the math on this and if this kid takes as long to graduate college as I did I'll be like 87 okay and I don't know if I can go the distance at 294 so I went to the doctor I said doc we have got to get me into shape okay and he said oh don't worry he said everybody has one or two chemicals and those are the chemicals that trigger all of their weight gain if we can identify those chemicals we can eliminate those from your diet and boom you will drop off to the weight you're supposed to be I said fantastic do the tests they took blood work took it you know did the shots and everything like that he called me last Wednesday and he said Mr Williams I'd like you to come into the office I went into the office I went into his real office you know the real doctor office and he sat me down so I knew there was something wrong he said mr. Williams it turns out that you have a medical condition and now let me say this in a way it was a relief to know that I have a medical condition because for years I thought my weight problem was due to Doritos do you know what I'm saying I I thought that but but now that now I feel I feel better i feel more righteous about my condition okay and so i said doc don't worry about it I can handle it I I'm a believer I feel like my my eternity is secure doc give it to me straight I can deal with this he said mr. Williams you have a medical condition it turns out that you are a forgetful bulimic and that's right I binge I forget to purge okay am I gonna have to explain these all night is a this is Ohio right okay last week I was in West Virginia and well that explains it so anyway yeah now I had a great time there I was there for the dental neglect Festival three weeks ago I'm in Michigan I'm speedy at a school that bring me into this high school Michigan whoo yeah that's a little dangerous to say it from Michigan I said I was there I was visiting okay I was visiting okay if for those of you who are watching they're getting ready to have the big Ohio State Michigan game and and that's not the good thing to mention but I'm in Michigan okay just so you won't be offended I'm in Florida like you would know anyway okay who's just sit back I'm in a school in Florida three weeks ago okay and Florida Florida is an amazing place to work in schools because Florida is 48th in education which is wild and and the education I live in Florida the education is so bad you go to a Florida teacher we are 48th in education and more than likely they will say out of how many okay little freaky there Anna so I'm in Florida right and they introduced me I'm speaking to this school about 1200 students and they get up there and they give the introduction and blah Mike's done this and this and this and the kids are getting kind of pumped up and then please make welcome IG Williams you know and I come running out and there's this whole roll of cheerleaders sitting right down here right and I come running out and I'm kind of bouncing out you know and thanks okay and they're clapping like this until they saw me and then they in unison they just go he's huge okay I understand I am large it's okay it's it's all right they were just making an observation I'm a comedian I dish it out every night I ought to be able to take it but I walked up there that morning and I said that's right folks I am a fat guy now I did not realize that it's politically incorrect to say the word fat but I found that out very quickly after the program the school counselor you know the counselor type people always worried what will people think I don't mean to bring guilt she comes up to me she said mr. Williams it is politically incorrect to say the word fat I said ma'am look at me what would you call me she said your husky I said no ma'am I was husky when I was in junior high 150 pounds ago okay I said you're gonna have to come up with something different than that she said okay okay you're a big-boned I said no ma'am I was big bone when I was a fetus okay that that's I said that will not work I said ma'am you are an educator you represent this school in all of its creativity I want you to put your brain together and come up with something that I can't say if I can't say fat I'm not gonna use those two old cliche terms I want something new I want something good ma'am the pressure is on you go for it she scratched her head for a second she said okay your your your biscuit us what that's what I said she said your biscuit us I said ma'am what is biscuit us she said did you ever open up a tuba biscuits and about halfway through the roll they go I am the Pillsbury Doughboy I am comedy is what I am thank you lady Wow humor is all over I believe that God gave us humor as a gift because God understood that some weeks would have two Mondays in him do you know what I'm talking about and some months would have Mondays and some years would have money so he put humor all over if we just look around for it and we need to do that we need laughter is good for us okay I like to think of laughter as Prozac for the Soul do you know what I'm talking about and and and I take mine at 9:30 so no offense I don't mean that in a bad way so they're all over wherever you go there is funny sir go out tonight pop the hood of your car truck van whatever you drove in here on okay pop the hood look down on the battery and it will give you some warning sir it will say warnings no sparks no flames no smoking and then it was saying fine print do not drink battery acid have you ever been so thirsty driving to Cincinnati that you said pull this car over pop the hood and give me a straw no it's not going to happen it will not X lacks their motto it works while you sleep that's missing last thing I want to do is wake up and go home doggonit networks good does a guy work there you know weird stuff humor is just out there I'm looking the other day at a box of Grape Nuts cereal have you ever had Grape Nuts have you ever had grabbed us yeah oh yeah whoo give it up the Grape Nuts yeah he just had a new baby yeah whatever Grape Nuts aww we love those criminals have you ever seen the ingredients there's no grapes there's no nuts no you know what they call that stuff cypress mulch just went out of concept right rhaggy v-neck this is finely ground cypress mulch I'm serious you could this is the kind of stuff your grandmother needs to stay regular okay no I'm serious you could eat this and pass lawn furniture are you oh you don't believe me there box on the front it says Grape Nuts keeps you going all morning long you better believe it hurry up my kid I had Grape Nuts going up I'll see ya we've got to learn to laugh New England Journal of Medicine says if we laugh 100 times a day it is equivalent for our heart muscle of jogging 10 miles 100 laughs a day heart muscle 10 mile yes yes ma'am obviously just just the heart muscle Thanks I hate it when the audience is funnier than I am I hate for the heart muscle wow you know that that is great we need to learn to laugh Mary Hart is good it's medicine for our soul it's Prozac for us so I got nothing against Prozac I don't yeah their day got to tell you I accidentally took eckesachs and Prozac together yeah she spent the whole day in the bathroom but I was happy about it wherever you go here is stupid stuff I walk into a religious book store the other day religious bookstore I'm not allowed to say the name of it family Christian Stores okay walked into a religious book so the other day and purchase this look at this look at this what would Jesus do pepper spray [Applause] backhoes Kunis you kiss me one more time here you are the whole Sanhedrin behind here stupid stuff it's out there and it's a gift for you to help me get through those extra mondays it's a gift that was given you be thankful for that I walked into a Denny's the other day and which kind of shows you where my career is going I'm eating a Denny's go into a Denny's they have a sign Sunday's senior citizens buy one get one free I have two old ladies working in my house where I walked into a Chili's restaurant Edmonton Alberta Canada and go up there and go to tell you there was a coldest place they'd ever been okay April April we land the plane and the flight attendant comes on and says one of those phrases that went into my book of phrases that I had never heard before ever in my life okay she said it is 31 degrees below zero without the windchill that's cold I'm from Florida okay I'm in shorts and a t-shirt yo a Canadians it's April turn on the heaters okay I get off the plane they rush me over to a restaurant to eat first okay because we're going right to the show from there to play at the University of Edmonton and Alberta or whatever it was they take me to an Applebee's I walk in the door you've been to Applebee's before you have Applebee's here in the in the great state of Ohio okay now if you've been to a police you know the first thing when you walk in the door there's a little girl there right she's standing there you know how many in your party okay and and then she gives you that little flasher thing makes you go wait outside for 45 minutes or until you're so hungry that you will buy an appetizer okay that's it it's a trick people okay well I walk in cracked me up absolutely floored me I walk in there right above the hostess stand they have this sign right here restroom please wait for hostess to seat you I thought I'd have a little fun I walked up to the girl said I'd like a stall in the back please for one non-smoking okay stupid stop where ever you go I am in Sarasota Florida now I live in Lakeland Florida that's Central Florida okay that way we get two shots of hurricanes from either side I used your joke tonight sir see you brought that up I said I'll try it see it's not that easy is it okay my wife and I on occasion when I'm home I travel a lot so when I'm home I like to get away from all the phone calls and stuff that goes on I try to deal with that when I'm on the road we go over to Sarasota Florida has anybody here ever been to Sarasota Florida senior citizen capital of the world okay yes and so I go there if you've been have you been to the beach there in Sarasota okay beautiful beaches they have Sarasota Bradenton white sand beaches Longboat Key siesta key beautiful great eating places and it's the old-style beaches okay it's the old style where you have the beach here and you have the little Tulane Beach Drive and then you have the hotels most of them are older hotels not the big high-rises or things like that so you have the older hotels the Beach Drive and then you have the beach going across from every one of the hotels they have the crosswalk they need that for the people to get across it's it's the you they raised it just a little bit you know the concrete there it's about four foot wide they paint the yellow stripes on pink crosswalk on it case you didn't know what it was there and cracked me up now let me tell you folks I have lived in Florida now for 25 years I have seen this sign for 25 years but did not really see the sign until this year 25 years it's been there ready for me to laugh at but I didn't need it until this summer and boom it popped up okay I'm there this is the sign they have it says all vehicles must yield to pedestrians in the crosswalk that's a good idea you ought to do that okay I pretty much think we know that but they needed to put a sign to begin with okay all vehicles must yield to pedestrians in crosswalks here's what crack nip if you don't it's a $78 578 bucks I make a decent living for 78 bucks somebody's going down a little Buick Circle right down just pull over call 9-1-1 on myself you know I'm sad I can just see the cops showing up yeah yeah mr. Williams it's gonna cost you about 78 bucks bet you won't do that again area hundred keep the change thank you I'm gonna circle around again is this this is more fun in Disneyworld you know what I'm saying they don't have that ride they're in the Magic Kingdom you know run down an old slow person so stupid stop wherever y'all this is fun we did this today just for hooch you can do this you can do this do you have access to a computer man you got a computer you know what a computer right okay sir right there what about you sir you have access to a computer now you can do this what I want you to do is I want you to make up a little sign and have a little fun with some signs and let me tell you something about signs if you want to have fun laminate your sign okay when I say the word lamination do you know what I'm talking about I'm talking about this this plastic stuff that they that I put on signs to keep mind good if there's an amazing thing when you laminate a sign it becomes official you students that are in the room listen to me tonight if you ever want me to day off of school okay make up a sign that says school be closed decided the principal's name nobody believe it put lamination on that sign teachers will not show up okay on Friday okay have a little fun this is one of the funnest things that you can do do you guys have any of those little Chinese buffet restaurants in your town oh this is hilarious next time you go into one's little Chinese buffet restaurants on the way my town called the Great Wall they thought it was so funny they gave me something that they'd never given another customer something called a restraining order so but you got to have fun you got to enjoy the ride you've got to take advantage listen to serious points tonight okay I'm gonna I'm gonna get serious I'm gonna get deep life is too short not to laugh can I get it ah ha yeah okay ready go point number two mmm life is too long not to laugh so you need to learn to lighten up and enjoy the ride some of you know you've seen my bio you know that my website is Christian comedian calm so you kind of figure that there might be some church connection there you know so I'm always working on little things to help my church and advertising and have a little fun and I put together this new bumper sticker I want to show it to you and it's just our way of kind of sharing the beliefs of the church and our personal beliefs I'll share it's a great way to just and maybe some of you who attend church and stuff like that you might want to get some for your cars to help you share your faith but it's a bumper sticker and it says caution in case of rapture this car will swerve as my mother-in-law takes the wheel and I [Applause] people know you're gonna have that one you can put it on when you get a mother-in-law she'll like that yeah but you gotta lighten up you gotta enjoy the ride a little bit while life is too short and it's too long not to laugh and we need to laugh a little bit I just science have always cracked me up the the sign to me that is probably the most ludicrous of all is found on the corporately owned McDonald's across this country now the court there's franchise McDonald's and there's corporate McDonald's okay now that I don't really know what the difference is okay the corporate are owned by by Ronald or saw I have no idea and so anyway in in their effort to be politically correct they have chosen to place a little sign everybody say little sign so I'm talking a little sign something I'm talking that big okay happy they have chosen to place a little sign on the drive-through window everybody say drive-through window so we have a maid in there ever to be politically correct they placed this little sign on the drive-through window so as not to offend anyone who might possibly come true cracked me up on the drive-through window I'm gonna show you a blow-up an enlargement if you will of the actual sign found on the McDonald's drive-through window of the corporate no McDonald's across this country right here this right here it is it says we have menus in Braille at the drive-thru take your time help your neighbor right now [Applause] underneath it it says we also have picture menus Braille menus for people who can't see the sign or drive-thru picture menus for people can't read I saw this I thought I'd have a little bit of fun because that's what I do I went back to McDonald's got myself some dark glasses and an old piece of PVC pipe put my car and driver leg roll the window down and drove around I'm tapping [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm sorry sir I can't buy the crown I knew what you care for a picture No funny stuff swarm up here you guys having fun so far tonight me too I'm 41 years old I mentioned that earlier I'm 41 it's weird being 41 20 years ago I used to speak to students all across this country and at 41 it's changed 20 years ago I used to walk out in front of students you guys age and I used to say I understand you work from the same generation we can relate I don't anymore I don't understand your generation of 41 let me put that into terms you can understand if 41 I grew up three years before the invention of rippln do you know what I'm talking about I grew up under an experimental medication called the belt did anybody else an amazing thing about the belt you didn't have to wait four hours to give me another dose you know what I'm saying belt just said users needed and my folks did had the belt of been an actual medication I think I would have had a letter IV okay that that was that was my idea I had this thing called a DD okay and you hear a lot about it now they have variations fadd ADHD ad a b c d if g all the variations i had back then we just had a DD just that that was it right there in fact I had a variation of it I had a D LBD which is attention deficit lazy but disorder so but the belt could always bring me back into focus and I folks my dad quickly graduated though from the belt to the board do you remember that remember in your life when all the sudden things changed in Happyland and my dad had a bored about that long about that tall about that thick he drilled holes and it said it would make it aerodynamically sound yeah what it did was give me a little hickeys all over my body oh you laugh that's hard to explain in junior high gym class yeah where'd you get those hickeys on your Bob my dad gave me those I think social services become might see you they might just want to talk yeah that's my life no what I want to do tonight usually about halfway through the program I like to go back and and do a little bit of music for folks so they're kind of started out doing music and I'd like to do a little music tonight so so help me out what kind of music do you guys like shout it out country okay rap rap thank you look at me Country and Western yes I'm beautiful thanks okay good it's eclectic night here in Columbus yeah yeah okay anything else any other kind of jazz punk Christian Christian yeah yeah when you're making fun of music you always want to start with religious music then as the church people are always so loving of that particular genre of making fun of their particular faith so let me grab my guitar and we'll have a little fun with the music portion of tango me up by the cops finish up at your house these make really cool guitar straps so I've got about 12 of them now so your disturbances there I'm gonna get this on right here yes it's a little guitar that lady's going whoa he's huge we'll try to do a little bit for everybody here all right okay good good good good good oh that sucks what do we start with a bit you said church music mam and I didn't mean to make fun of you because I actually started doing this in the church and back then it was uh there's not considered as funny as it is today it's kind of weird weird I now get paid for what I used to get beat for okay so yeah but you know having that ATD it was kind of weird you know I would sit there in the church and we'd always you know in the church we'd always sing out of these things I don't know some of you may have heard of them called hymnals they don't use them a lot anymore but uh and we'd always have you know we were we were Baptist people so we like 27 verses of everything yeah yeah like you know anything but the first verse sit back okay baptists a their rocket on the first verse Denis ahead Freebird okay but but I used to sit there you know my folks would be singing these church hymns you know they're you know would you be free from your burden of sin there's power you know they'd be doing that and my mind is just whipping you know what I mean I'm just yeah enjoying every minute of it you know and I mean you know so I'd be sitting there just rewriting the songs in my mind you know will we get out of this church before noon there's no chance of that no a chance of that will there be a service where we don't pass the plate there's no chance no chance of that you know will there be a month without a business meeting fight there's you know because we were Baptist okay so that was that was a deal and so that was kind of how I grew up and like I say I didn't know at that point in my life that I was gonna go into you know comedy or humor or well whatever this happens to be tonight and basically to you it's ten bucks and an evening okay so we'll just call it that okay I'm ten bucks that's what I am and so but then I started writing for other genres of music and in 1979 I got my first big break I was working for a radio station and there was a young lady that was brand new on the scene back then by the name of Amy Grant does anybody heard of her I think a few maybe maybe have yeah thank you no I had nothing to do with it okay it's a but they asked me they asked me as part of the radio station if I would go out and emcee the concert and go out and introduce her so I thought I'd have a little bit of fun I spun her a little little back then it was an album you know effect then you'd be I know you have no idea it's just I might as well just say 8-track okay at this point so I thought I'd have a little fun so anyway I went out and I wrote a little song I thought I'd open up her shell I walked out onto her stage with her microphone picked up her guitar and I said ladies and gentlemen Amy Grant Elsie died Elsie died there's no more milk gazelles II died now the cow lays past your eyes Tennessee pastor at pasture the pasture pasture okay I fell in love with a young lady by the name of Karen Carpenter and I said boy you know if we could just we could just get together and get married and she didn't she'd have to convert because because my parents wouldn't let me marry of course anybody who wasn't a Baptist not just a Baptist but an independent fundamental premillennial um folks being self-righteous pious anti-catholic Baptists who supported Jerry Falwell and had a collection of Jimmy Swaggart records but I said boy if we could just get together okay it would be beautiful you know I'd like to teach the choir to sing in perfect harmony you know and it would just be great and so that's how the whole thing started and I really hope that you responded better to that song okay anyway thank you and by the way who said rap who said rap identify oh yeah a table full of munchkins yeah yeah you're back there okay let's see if the fat guy can rap okay yeah yeah a fat guy with an acoustic guitar I bet he raps I bet he is a rapper yo Gert no I know you kids so you think you think you've rap as an ethnic thing rap is not an ethnic thing rap is a fat guy thing rap was started by fat people who were introduced before they knew they were gonna be introduced that's right they're out in the parking lot there ladies and gentlemen Mike Williams I come running in 500-foot at full speed I grab the microphone as I that's how it started country country music country music country music under me welcome whatever and you shot and they shot a country's got out here Bubba down here shouts and Western well what exactly is Country and Western they don't go together they do not go together think about this here we go country western to divert of boughs thanks mr. sandman lower my guitar just a little bit to get in the speaker a little bit there okay look down a little more down a little more turn it down [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] country for you man free man just for you ish me what is your name fabbrizio sure yeah sit out on later on I'm gonna hook you up with Fabio over here you guys can go out and not believe it's not butter together cuz country and without any country of us country watch okay here I mean let me think anything okay okay okay out in the West Texas town of El Paso country country I fell in love with a cousin I knew [Applause] I'll turn it for you guys okay is your kind of the alternative scene we played out at you radio today so whether you radio you radio you a DJ is excited about everything [Music] purity I dunno hot it looks like Monica weeds [Laughter] [Applause] guess the next thing it's getting cut from the video venture gas right off the video [Music] you came to school the other day you stood up from a speech you gave I close my eyes I tried not to stare but I could see you're on your [Applause] [Music] flies in front of the class [Applause] so soft and comfortable they given to you with every state unlike Hilton where you gotta try to shove them in your luggage let's see what else tonight daters in a room any damaged daters haters haters no okay everybody's either married or Sullivant good to see the Catholics came out in droves tonight okay okay you're at one dater back there man see I dated you have you gone on these these quick dates like these six minute dates have you seen that now big thing you get together a group and you do like a six minute date and see it's big now they're saying this is a new thing okay you come into the room you day for six minutes I've had dates that lasted less than six minutes okay and that was 25 years ago okay so this is not a big thing to me and but I wanted to do one for the daters okay and so sir I'd like to dedicate this to you and it's pretty much a song about my dating life and it goes like this I knew she was the one from our very first date I knew we'd be together for the rest of our days when I pulled up to her house on that first and final date she yelled and broke my heart and said I ain't just running late a she said I just wanna be friends love you like a brother that is where it ends it's not you it's me but hear me when I say if you don't leave I'm using my pepper spray I just wanna be friends [Music] [Applause] here for just a second okay very good all right I just got it all right okay good good good perfect we'll do a little let's see um sure I do a girls song thank you thank you thank you for what kind of music did you want you wanted to know what was the grossest song I've ever done right is that what you said shout it out to me shout it out what was that what's the grossest - thank you for asking and because I really had never had a gross song in my life until last week I had to do this junior high convention with like 3000 kids and I said I've got to come up with something because you know that's what they're into and you know and so I wrote this song it's a true story about something that happened last summer when I was in Panama City Beach and I was there we were playing the Panama City Beach Convention Center across the street is a Chicago hot dog hot dog style Stan have you seen those before you know the world-famous Chicago style hot dogs the Chicago people are really into do pork products okay and so anyway I went over there and and literally the grossest thing that I had ever had happened to me personally happened there was a there was a girl there and she was the hot dog maker person and I'm trying to say this nicely at the moment okay let me just blurt it out she had a book minoes okay there there is something unnerving knowing that the person who's fixing your dog has a dangler do you know what I'm saying it's it's hard to watch them you know fix you know you're you're trying to watch the baby but you keep being called back to the nose okay and now she made about four dogs for us okay and she comes and to get the money from me and um the booger was gone okay and so so I wrote a song about it [Music] no no don't clap I have no rhythm if you want to clap buy one of my CDs clap at home okay oh yeah that's cool [Music] oh sorry how bad I'm back well a little rock'n'roll for you well when I ordered hot dogs I saw it hanging there dry and green and dangling from her nostril hair she put on the ketchup and put away the tongues asked me for the money and that booger was gone I didn't know what to do I didn't know what to say who's got extra relish on their hot dog today [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you need to get out more it's a new thing now cable that's really catching on please enjoy that beverage again look at six bucks you better not leave it drop okay that's all I'm saying oh hang on hang on drink Coke play again [Applause] drink coke play again [Applause] no don't worry three more times I'm bound to hit it says says one and six are winners yeah forget the lottery I just buy coke true story I used to drink diet coke all the time for those of you who see me before you know that I was big on diet coke I used to drink a lot of diet coke they said if you need to tell off just stop tell off and then go right back into it as if nobody you saw that so I don't need to towel off at this moment I need a shower [Applause] fix my hair you fix your hair lady [Applause] paster anyway yeast ring diet coke and I had to quit drinking diet coke because a friend of mine told me that diet coke has a chemical in it called aspartame yeah aspartame and aspartame causes short-term memory loss so it's not real good for somebody who does what I do to get up in front of people and go you know I had to go to regular coke so anyway I just share that with you because you may be a speaker or a teacher after lecture or never drink a drink with aspartame beforehand because it's just I'm just giving information okay I'm a giver I'm a giver okay my doctor said I was a carrier but it's basically the same thing that's good I used to drink diet coke all the time friend of mine I forget what he said about all right now oh yeah yeah he said it's gone it's gone okay maybe a couple more songs for you if you've got time you got any places to go would that be okay all right good thank you for sounding so enthusiastic about that this song was the original version of it was written by some friends of mine known as bean and Bailey and they're really great writers and they and they sang me this song I D I said that's hilarious and do you mind if I ripped that off and so but I kind of wanted to rewrite it a little bit but the idea was great and I like to do it for you tonight are there any Springsteen fans in the room any Springsteen okay whoo one one yeah I think good good to know I'm really targeting the entire audience tonight with the show let me get Springsteen ready here just sometimes I throw this on without the introduction and people go whoa Willy has let himself go okay let me get the Springsteen voice okay give me just a minute to kind of gonna get into character here we go no that's too clear [Applause] [Music] [Music] okay slow it down just a little bit max thank you I do that for me it's one of my jokes that I do for me and you guys got that you guys Rock okay I take back everything I thought about you Springsteen well the way that she said welcome it was love at first sight how could I resist a woman with hair so lovely and white I couldn't help but stare and that fashionable blue vest then she took a sticker stuck it on my chest she said watch for falling prices watch the falling prices I'm here to save you more then she got on that electric cart and followed me round her store [Music] I'm in love with the Walmart greeter [Music] I became a security guard just to meet her your turn to sing you ready we go come on you sick people she may be a hundred and five but she's got a new hip and she gets home at 9:00 [Music] she's the Walmart [Music] our good folks in bentonville or have a little problem this week because they hired some illegal aliens you heard about that right and so in preparing for the show I said we need to make this current the way that she said welcome should have given it away call most hours said being me toes would you like to sell you a green card today when she listed her address as a chubby van the way that she kept asking if I was the I NS man should've known not born in the USA it's bad that's bad did you do that to me beforehand [Music] well that's the end of my show right there I just was kind of hoping in applause no I've had a great time tonight I hope you have too and it's been good friends and new friends and good to see your faces what what faces I could see with the train staring in my face everybody pretty much I walked up here it's like whoa which way to Damascus and I saw Church Joe forget about it I always like to close out my shows a little more serious than that way the way we start them and I hope you don't mind that I just I like the humor to be funny and I like you to laugh but I want to be an encouragement to you too I was in Atlanta Georgia with a good friend of mine who was here a couple of weeks ago I believe by the name of Ken Kingdon you know Ken Kington and yeah it's my show stop he had his moment okay and it was Ken Kington and myself and Paul Aldridge she was out with you a while back and we were there to shoot a video and we paid a like a lot of money like like $70 and we split it three ways for them to come in and do what they're doing here tonight and the truck came out and the truck would not work it wouldn't just nothing the audio feed wouldn't work and to be real honest with you I was angry because 1500 people had paid 15 bucks so you don't feel ripped off now to see us and nothing was working and we were gonna have to go on that night having totally we're gonna record a video we were gonna have to go on and and put the cameras up and just pretend which is kind of kind of stupid and I was I was angry I was there now you'd probably never think that for me you know me is just the calm cool collective non sarcastic person that you know and love today and shut up I went over to a place they said might go away and calm down for a while because whether the truck is working or not we still have to do a show and they were right and I went over to a place to mellow out a little place called Stone Mountain I don't know if you ever been anybody been to Stone Mountain before okay yeah it's a beautiful little mountain I have in Atlanta it's a little mountain in Northeast Atlanta and they have a choo-choo train it runs around it and they've carved the pictures of all the Confederate generals in the side of the mountain there because you wouldn't want to forget those guys in racially diverse Atlanta I really had higher hopes for you guys cuz you got that earlier joke I said that they can but I was wrong so I was sitting out there and I was just with my guitar and just trying to mellow out and just trying to write a little bit my journal and prepare for all the fun things that awaited me with the coming of the new child in just a few months and that there was this eagle flying overhead now do you have a Eagles here he goes here cool where I live in Florida Lakeland Florida we do not have Eagles we had one they taste like chicken okay get over it and I sat out there and I was just amazed is this Eagle Eagles if you've ever seen any time you spend any time or seen him other than in the zoo and cage stuff if you've seen him fly they're just they're amazing birds and this bird would just soar back and forth across the face of this mountain and it was just amazing and I said you know I'm gonna run to my car I keep a little digital camera in my briefcase and I said I want to get a picture of this and take it home to my other son I have a six-year-old named Chapman clay angel - hey soos LeBrons Figueroa Williams - third I told him he was the third cuz the first two didn't listen to me - very obedient child and I'm headed back to get that that camera and have you ever seen how sometimes when a storm comes up it'll come across like a cloud or just a curtain almost and just just in one big wall of darkness come over and all of a sudden just over the top of the mountain just this one big wall of darkness comes and I got angry again man I got angry a beautiful day and I got angry again I said oh great at least I was gonna get to get a picture for my kids and take it home and now I'm not because the wind picked up and it was one of those cold fronts where it's like the weather just seems to drop five or six degrees just like that and I said you know that Eagles gonna break for cover and he's going to be gone but was so amazing to me is that eagle did not cruise away that eagle stayed right there and took the same wind that was coming against it and used it to lift it up now I'm kind of a speaker at heart and I said you know what doggone it that'll preach you know take that which is coming against you and use it to lift you up higher I don't know what you faced this week I don't know how many mondays you've had last week last month I don't know what you've faced and your family divorce or disease I know I've had a lot of fun I want to encourage you to find a way to take that which is coming against you and turn it around and use it to lift you up higher it's the only serious song I do hope you like it it's called the Eagle song goes like this I just tried to put into words what I felt that that Eagle said to me it goes like this [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that's what I do right there suckers it's a beautiful thing to watch people be drawn in drought and I had another son called the Hawks I wrote another one you called the turtle song but it didn't have the power the other way is the punchline we just kind of it lacked a little oh the gust oh I had a great time tonight I do want to for real oh cool check it out they lie they lie when did I open 148 times lost every time I got books turkey soup for the sarcastic soul it's a devotional book designed to fit on the back of a porcelain shelf so some of you men can at least get one devotional a day don't laugh a friend of mine I gave a friend my neighbor a copy of the book and a week later he got the flu and a spiritual revival broke out in his life here we go ever notice how every time Sally Struthers comes on TV for feed the children she's a little bit bigger okay [Applause] hey Sally it's feed the children not eat the children anyone here in the back thoris written a few lines in there for me - he did he didn't know it at the time no we quoted him we quote him I want to do this tonight we got to go home and there they've pretty much shut off the cameras but I just want us so if you have to go pee now is the time or you can just say I have to - okay so just suffer just a minute we'll all rush to the four stalls together let me tell you why I do this stuff I do this stuff I'm not setting you up for another Eagle song - by the way I need to tell people that cuz they're getting ready for me to go I was how can I say this without making anybody feel uncomfortable I'm a welfare kid I was born in Chicago Illinois I don't mind telling people that none of us have any choice of where we're born now do we we just one day were there and none of us would have picked the parents we had especially during our teenage years but at some point we've come full-circle most of us have as we get older and I'm the youngest of five children God reached into my life many years ago and pulled me out of a family that struggled with a lot of things they struggled with alcoholism and drugs and everything that go along with that my oldest brother was killed at 17 my next brother was killed at 17 in a jail cell in Louisiana I have two sisters that have been greatly impacted by the drug scene never met my father until I was 27 years of age is my first time I hunted him down I was hoping for a big Oprah Winfrey reunion moment but I didn't get it I got a I got a guy who looked just like me who spent about ten minutes with me and asked me to rent him up to the bar so he could got on with the rest of his life thanks dad my mother did one of the greatest acts of kindness a woman could ever do my mother decided to give me away and she gave me away to the mailman the postman his name Harry and he'd come and ring that bell in that apartment that we lived and he'd ring all the bells he'd come in and he'd ring the bell because if he didn't people to come down and they'd steal your mail and he'd always ring the bell and people come down to get their mail and he'd always have a smile on his face and always say here's your mail and remember and God loves you wow what a simple word and one day mom stopped him and said would you take my son and get him out of this hellhole that we live in and he said I can't I'm too old but he said I have a daughter and a son-in-law and my my daughter has multiple sclerosis they can't have children they would love to have your boy they've prayed for 12 years for a boy they'd love to have your boy and the next thing you know I get pulled out of that home and dropped into this home of this lady who is pretty sickly in an auto mechanic but it was really weird in that home because these people were Baptist people really Baptist people extra Baptist people I tell this people do not believe me but it's true we did not play old maid cards in that household you know why because people could drive by your house at 55 miles an hour see through the crack and the window there so you playing cards think you're playing poker if you're playing poker you're probably gambling and we all know that gambling leads to premarital dancing okay that was my own Amish people used to say you guys need to lighten up okay Wow but in this home they began to tell me that God could give me purpose and meaning in my life they begin to tell me that he could have an impact on me if I would just give him my heart my daddy was a Sunday school teacher he used to practice his Sunday School lessons on the way to church on me and mom and if he didn't finish before he got to the church he would circle the church until you he was hard core you know what I'm saying you remember that ww2 guy you know that type of a guy and a great heart one day on the way to church he finished lesson then he looked back and he saw me in that rearview mirror and made eye contact and usually that was dangerous because that meant he was aiming you know yeah when the wind the belt and the board weren't available up the hand was always quicker than the eye the hand off and hit me in the eye so he looked in that rearview mirror and he said Mike what about you would you like to have life and purpose and meaning and I said yes sir and he pulled that car over 1967 green Chevy Impala two-door and out in the backseat I could do that then cars were bigger and a very simple way I asked God to come into my heart and into my life and you know what I believe he did and I've dedicated my life to helping people laugh you know laughter was there for me before I even knew God God put it in my life as that vitamin to carry me through maybe he's done that for you be thankful for the laughter be thankful for the joy life is too short not to laugh and life is too long at the laughs thank you good night [Music] you

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 45,140

Rating: 4.4936709 out of 5

Keywords: Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Comedy, Hilarious, Humor, Hysterical, Comic, Laugh, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes, Crazy, LOL, ROTFLOL, Silly, McDonalds, Drive-thru, Blind, menu, braille, picture menu

Id: XwsykBFetqc

Length: 68min 38sec (4118 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 16 2019