Jeff Allen

will you please welcome one of bananas favorite comedians Jeff Bell and give it up for NZ folks all right this is great I got to tell you I'm drinking the bottled water cuz I have no idea where Columbus gets their tap water from that was shower and I got hit in the head with a carp and if you're sitting here right now thinking you know a carp wouldn't fit through the faucet you can probably get up and leave and I can get the rest of this stuff anyway there's always one or two of you in there every family has one it just doesn't get the joke I got a kid like that a 19 year old I love that boy as he works for Dell computers he's a bright kid just does not get sarcasm whatever gene that is that son of mine did not get it we're watching Monty Python last year monty python and he looks at me and goes flesh-wound his whole arm came off [Applause] all right it's good to be here boy I'll tell you none this remind you of these metal detectors they ever been to Florida old people carry them it just something happens you at the age of 90 you got to go to the beach and find metal personally I think it's a vitamin deficiency I'll be back in an hour right now when I go look for some zinc that's why you can't sleep on a Florida beach you not off a blue hair I'll pick the fillings right out of your mouth hey lady what are you doing to me Oh talking clam you know the last climb to mumble was full of gold Herbert it's just in Florida last week is in Miami by the way I almost moved to Florida about 10 12 years ago until I found out they have a fifth season there they do they have winter summer spring fall and then they have the fifth one that's called hurricane there was season they call hurricane and people still live there are you kidding me I mean I don't know how you guys feel maybe I'm just a frightened little wimp but I was at a guy's house and he starts putting masking tape on his window I said what does that he goes well it keeps the window from shattering during the hurricane am i a but I thought when the wind hit 180 miles an hour you had Buicks flying past those windows I don't buy you guys but if I'm on a couch reading a book I look up see LeSabre coming at me I'm seeking shelter I'll relax Miami good masking tape let's watch that car wedge itself into the window wow it works and they always send some weather guy down here to cover the hurricane why I can go to Iowa and cover hurricane in Florida how hard is that it's windy it's right back to you low what more information do you need to know I was in Arizona recently they have weathermen dare how hard is that job it's hot back to you Bob to make it interesting they have things like cloud warnings kids come running in off the street not a big white fluffy thing to kill the time rather than put temperatures on maps that's it that gets us maps of numbers have you seen them temperatures of places you're not even in I got the temperature their temperature their temperature is ever honestly I'm gonna tell you oh it's only one temperature I've ever been interested in and that's hell because if it ever freezes over there are a lot of women in this country that owe me a dance that's all I know that's why my wife won't dance with me whoops you're a dork I can tell you we've been married long enough be a good job to have don't you think weatherman where else could you be wrong on a job 90% of the time and still collect a check every week this is my job now this is actually what I do for 28 years I've been doing this and people ask you know what you do before you got into comedy they want to brag but I was a manager at a 7-eleven she hear me manager and I was impressed I'm telling you I was cocky I was 19 years old fresh out of GED ready to take the world by storm I've got to work and found out it was the only guy there I was in charge of a crew of one but I had a uniform are you familiar with the 7up does a little smock they make you wear with a bunch of sevens and Elevens on it that's right I was in charge of me I had to fire myself after a month and I didn't like my attitude and I caught myself stealing a few times like I denied it but I saw myself so I ended up getting an argument with my I hit myself in the head with a flashlight I'd sued 7-eleven by the way it was their manager that hit me in the head with a flashlight I'm not a lawyer but I felt it could have been a precedent-setting case I worked the graveyard shift 11:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. they call it graveyard because people buying groceries at 3:00 a.m. are pretty much embalmed they're leavin bars it too am looking for food then they come in like Night of the Living Dead hey schmuck man where you keeping a SpaghettiOs and there's only three aisles why don't you and your Menza friends try to put that one together for yourself I think it was my attitude that got me Employee of the Month because I would smile and they'd walk over with a can of death like SpaghettiOs and start walking towards the microwave and you would tell yourself nobody could be that ignorant is to put a can into a microwave after dealing with the public for thirty years I have to tell you the depths of ignorance in America never cease to amaze me not only did he put the can into the microwave and fire that baby up they stared through the window Sparks and it's like smoke you got to know someone's three blocks away with a pacemaker man they're cooking another can I hate this neighborhood and people steal they shoplift I don't care it's not mine but don't insult me they put Twinkies in their pants and they'd walk around pretending to shop cellophane is not quiet have you heard it they're like a walking bag of potato chips I'd call them or could you come here for a minute whoa whoa come here man what is it what is that well what this here anyway his Thor says is my second time back here and I got to tell you a little bit about myself so that people know I mean my name is Jeff that's my real name and I grew up in Chicago I now live in Nashville I'm 50 years old I just turned 50 50 years old I have two boys a 23 year old and a 19 year old and a few more things more personal I'm a recovering drug addict an alcoholic and 10 years ago 12 years ago I filed bankruptcy financial bankruptcy we lost everything and ten years ago my wife informed me of things did not get any better in our lives she was gonna file for divorce and I only tell you that because I draw all my comedy from my life experience and that's pretty much my life alcoholism bankruptcy and divorce so strap on your party hats folks mr. Sunshine's here to cheer ya come on Woody Allen set a comedy was tragedy plus time what that means is if you had enough time to heal from the wounds in your life you should find a humor in them and I mentioned my drink I had to quit drinking nineteen years ago I had to quit drinkin my neighborhood got together and voted on it actually I got a drunk driver twenty-five years ago I got a drunk driving when I wasn't even driving the car that's when you know you got a problem you get a ticket for something you weren't even doing I was on the side of a freeway just trying to start my glovebox just not exactly a menace to society at this point in the evening no chance of my car firing up and me wreaking havoc on a suburban neighborhood just some loser on the side of the road come on not again come on finally a cop showed up I was glad to see the guy what seems to be the problem well looks like a dead battery plan to see you two guys someone stole my gas pedal at my stairwell oddly that was when the officer decided to and bite me out of the car which I thought was pretty cordial of him to invite me I also thought it was an option because he did ask would you mind getting out of the car oh I'd rather not it was kind of hoping you or your twin brother pick up some jumper cables and help me out here [Applause] so off the jail you go because that's the raw and they may give you a phone call does that not kill you it's the law some things can wait till morning so I couldn't remember anybody's phone number so I just played mary had a little lamb on the phone well you know 26 numbers I woke some guy up in Korea and he was yelling at me oh you drunk again Jeff [Laughter] who got big problem so I quit it was a while ago boy I'm 50 now 50 years old five oh man I am AARP I was upset about it until I found out I get my waffles at Waffle House cheaper that's right I'm not I'm not used to I threw my back out sleeping two weeks ago I'm not lying here I went to bed I was fine woke up couldn't walk I asked my wife were you giving me kidney punches or something I can't move kills me but I am going back to school thank you 50 years old I'm going back traffic school but gotta start somewhere yeah I bought a new car and it's the first new car I've ever had in my life I am NOT making a bean oh six got a brand new car it's amazing how much extra money you find in your house when you convince your children college is overrated so yeah you don't want to go to school remain ignorant I got a ticket and I gotta tell you to me the police are getting lazier that's all I got to tell you I was speeding I'm not gonna fight the ticket but a Porsche shot past me doing 100 at least 100 I was doing 80 Porsche I see the lights in the mirror and I'm laughing cuz like you would be laughing because you know the Porsche is gonna get a ticket imagine my surprise when I got pulled over and I said to the policeman when he got that I said didn't you see that Porsche oh yeah we'll never catch that guy now will we and he actually said to me I was after the Porsche then you showed up and he said to me what doesn't slow down for a cop and I do speed I know that I'm impatient I know it I was dealing with it in therapy but who can listen to that stuff write it down let me go and nothing ties traffic up more than a cop doing 55 come on we've all been there you're driving along all sudden you grind to a halt you're wonder what is going on and there's a policeman up there and there's 200 cars behind the cop and perfect formation and as soon as he gets off an exit ramp it's like the Indy 500 out that Oh daddy's gone and every time I get caught speeding I get a policeman who wants to chat with me for whatever reason they never let me off the ticket I don't have a face that gets off tickets would you let this face go so I just want the ticket just write it let me go obviously I was in a hurry they catch you doing 95 at what point do they put it together you were in a hurry could be why they haven't made detective yet just a thought my favorite question are you aware of how fast you were going pretty much got a speedometer right in front of me the only thing I was unaware of is where you were sitting cuz I just slowed this puppy right down oh I got teens driving I gotta tell you something my boy went to driver's ed they wanted 150 bucks for driver's ed you believe that when they start charging for drivers that said to my wife I'll teach that boy to drive came home an hour later wrote a check out for $500 came in with a twitch my wife goes what happened I don't know but those people that grossly underpaid I'll tell you that thing take their life in their hands like that with other people's children whinny and nuts they need a helmet honey give me a helmet I can't take it I mean I hit that imaginary brakes so many times that in this this movie tell me you saw the truck song just tell me you saw the truck and he said are gone huh [Laughter] scary now he's got girlfriend man girlfriend I gotta tell you you haven't lived till you had an adolescent relationship running through your house I read a book years ago somebody gave it to me was called road less traveled and I love anybody's read it but Scott Peck wrote it and what it what he said about relationships in the book was that true love true love cannot even begin until there's conflict within the relationship and what he meant by that was if you're sitting on the couch with your boyfriend a girlfriend and she says one night you know I want Chinese food for dinner and the guy says well I want pizza now there's conflict now there's a chance for this relationship to grow and move forward into true love everything up to that moment was an illusion put there by God to keep the species going it was a lie and every adolescent they float through the house you watch these kid my kid is just floating one day okay what are you so happy about it's our ninth day fourth our anniversary I wanted to send her money she got a bathing without our to help you know [Applause] well does it happened one day they were together long enough the phone rings it's his girlfriend and he I hand him the phone and for 45 minutes 45 minutes my son my flesh and blood is in the kitchen getting gutted like a trout I don't know what she's saying but he can't get a word in but you won't let me talk if I could just take you what I didn't say that she's lying to you I didn't say that you do that's a lie I didn't sit on 45 minutes not that I was listening now I'm walking by and our eyes meet and I see my son and he's tearing up and he's in pain and all I can think to say to him to comfort him as his father was [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] because you know what dad's got to have compassion think I use compassion and those of you who have had teenagers under your roof know it's like living with bad roommates there comes a point where they don't they don't think for a minute they need you for anything and then they just start taking without permission and asking and I mention this because my son I almost killed him I almost did I my wife always said to me how come their boys listen to you better than me I said because I know how to talk to young men a month ago I told a night show keep it up I'll run you over with the truck he started to laugh oh I love grapes I'm telling you I love grapes did I mention I love grapes red grapes I love them I picked off three pounds three pounds of them put them in a colander myself all three pounds in a colander individual loose washed him in the sink so when I got him wet when I put him in the fridge the cold air would hit him and make him Chris orbs of juice sweet to Allah so now I go out and hit golf balls in the summer in Tennessee 95 degrees 90% humidity I'm sweating I'm sweating and I'm thinking as I'm driving home I should get a Gatorade but then I remember no I have grapes orbs juice I'm salivating pulling the driveway and I'm coming up and I go to the fridge and I open it up and there God my orbs coming down the hall is my son with a colander empty and one grape in his hand one grape left out of three pounds and I said stop put the grape down and back away from the colander he looks at me goes whoa tell me you didn't eat three pounds of grapes said a lot well if I were you boy I'd get a couple of magazines and I wouldn't stray too far from the bathroom and the laughter you hear coming out of the hallway will be mine maniacal laughter is that a lot that's the kid that came to me one day and he said he needed some space I need some space gave my father's answer when I told him I needed space my dad opened the front door said a lot of space outdoors and I can tell by the look on his face wasn't quite what he had in mind I said what's up he goes well we got their room down in the basements all full of junk and stuff I said what are we cleaning up and we make make me a bedroom down and I'd like to be down and I said you know what that's cool as long as you understand what that room is about it's part of my house you understand that it's your room but it's it's my house you understand okay I understand okay we do the room and get it all constructed up and it looks nice and everything at a bathroom hooked up down there I'm walking by a month later I hear him on the phone I am NOT making this up my son says to his friend finally got my own place I ran to my wife I said that kid has no intention of ever leaving our home he thinks he's got a condo down there told my wife that's it I'm freezing him out that's it I waited till December and I sealed the vents in his room because I I knew he'd never figure it out comes upstairs one day with an electric blanket and 200 feet of orange extension cord behind him hey what's with the heat I don't know talk to your homeowners association condo boy [Applause] drive you nuts I have an older son I gotta tell you my wife came to me when he was 16 and I'm sure you've had some of you have had this conversation my wife goes I've had it that's her two words had it kids would call me up when I was on the road mom said she's had it what does that mean run that's what that means she's a lunatic right watch out for the kidney punches so she calls me in the bedroom she goes I've had it I said about what she goes that boy I went cuz it wasn't me I said what about him and she said I'm tired of trying to shove an education down that boy's throat I'm sick and tired of it he goes to summer school every year he won't study won't get good grades it doesn't mean anything to him I'm just tired of it so I look at my wife and I ask her I go what kind of student were you she said I was awful and I said well lord knows I was awful what makes you think you and I together would breed a good stove if there was anything to DNA this kid's right on track you heard his tire me tell a joke he's impeccable ice what do you want me to do it she says talk to him find out what he's gonna do when he gets out of high school I'm tired of this so I sit him down and like tell him straight up I wanna tell you son this is a father-son discussion father-son discussion your mother wants to know what you're gonna do when you get out of high school he says I don't know I said that's a problem we need to figure this out so we sit on a notebook we figured all this stuff out his likes dislikes we go down the whole list of things and ROTC came up and he likes ROTC he's been in there for three years at the time and he says I kind of dig this and I said you go to those camps in the summer used to go to the military camps a summer rappel and I said you know what maybe you should consider a military move when you get out of high school give you four or five years or whatever it is to kind of figure out what you want to do sort your life out I said I didn't even begin to pull my head out of my backside till I was 30 so maybe that's what you need and he goes that's cool I go you got the friends anyway so I go back and tell his mother I said he's gonna join the army when he gets out of high school she says what's he gonna do when he gets in the army when does it end I said I don't know she goes ass I so I go out and ask what are gonna do he goes I'm a driver tank I said cool go back and I tell his mother gonna drive a tank now my wife goes right by me doesn't say a word goes into the basement comes upstairs with a pile of newspapers plops them in front of me but I go what is that she said I want you and your new tank driving boy to go through the classifieds and show me one job for a tank driver go to the army so you can learn his skill so when you get out he gotta feed a family don't go to drive it tank I said he's 16 he wants to blow things up I'm 50 I want to blow things up I grew up in America before the lawyers took over the kid wanted to maim himself he could maim himself remember BB gun fights guys remember that's six seven guys in a neighborhood keys they have a good gun co2 gas powered pistol things go through concrete what does my mother get me a daisy one pump thing wouldn't penetrate cool hwhip I hit a sparrow in the head once I didn't even wait to burn up and my kids want a B because my dad calls me up one day in the middle of their like 12 13 years old he goes hey can I get him BB guns I said yeah and pick him up a set of glass eyes what are you nuts and my kid goes I won't shoot my brother I go man if I got you a BB gun and you didn't shoot your brother I'd have you in for a psychiatric evaluation I shot my sister so many times she told her husband her cellulite was BB wounds for me [Laughter] and he believed her so who's the in this conversation my wife falls asleep at 9:15 every night like clockwork I look at her at 9:10 it's like a gas leak went off in the living room [Applause] and I'll say will you go to bed I'm fine what are you five years old go to bed shut up my fine that poor woman has seen the beginning of every law and order for the last five years and still watch him and rerun now and go I've seen this you might want to give it 20 minutes sweetheart she was always looking for things not if the kids are grown up and out of our lives pretty much she'll come to came to me a couple years ago she goes I think we should take up ski in this winter I was 48 years old she goes I think I should take up skiing take up skiing oh you could save me the cost of a lift ticket just throw me out a third-floor window told you want a ski will buy a Nordic track just doing the living room yeah turn the air conditioning up real high get it nice and frosty and every four or five minutes she can run in and smack me in the head with a tree limb what are you nuts I tried skiing 20 years ago when I was young and healthy and I got knocked unconscious by the chairlift learn more sign from God do you need and some of you look at me and think while you seemed fairly coordinated how could something that stupid happen let me explain my first day I was in my ready position as I had been taught notice the knees are slightly flexed shoulders are square I believe the face was lathered with anticipation from behind me somebody out look out hey you know when you hear the words look out you don't dock you turn around and see one of these you're looking out for turn around just the time to get my skull caved in what you say and the insurance company wouldn't cover the head injury guy called me up at home you got hit in the head with a chair left I go yeah that makes you a we consider that a pre-existing condition [Laughter] they had me was a little pole four years ago my wife signed us up for a health club four years ago we're still members because we signed up for five years because we saved three bucks a month I've been I've been there once I've been by it a dozen times right on the way to Cinnabon okay you know I used to tell the kids you know we're members there I go in for an orientation program my orientated Todd comes out Todd hi Jeff I'm 2% body fat tall oh hey 2% I'm 80% mushy Jeff and he goes knotless did that oh yeah well haagen-dazs is doing this [Laughter] loaded with questions first question asked me how long has it been since I had an exercise program let me ponder that one Todd oh I'm 50 that would make it 50 years nine months my mom said I was so lazy than to induce labor to get me moving so this guy looks to me and says oh you might want to start out a little slow so I'm sleeping with ankle weights on right now you never know you could roll over and burn a calorie or two I'm thinking of buying wrist weights to eat the haagen-dazs with don't want to overdo it come on everybody in this room would exercise if the weight we gained was in a more uncomfortable place on our bodies where do we gain weight stomach and our behind it's not in our way is it a couple pounds on your forehead would get you to a gym wouldn't it and man I can't see nothing [Laughter] [Applause] people would be chuckling at you hey skull master want another donut I don't understand this country's obsession with weight weight is nothing but a number that's it it's just a number and everybody in this building has a number when they stand on a scale they want to see it it makes them feel good about themselves the key is to stand on the scale and see the number that's why I bought a digital scale those numbers gradually build up to your correct weight you can jump off anytime we lie to ourselves all the time why stand there and torture yourself 155 that's all I'm weighing this month you know honey I don't look it but I think I lost 45 pounds last night my wife's dieting and it was when she died it'sit's actually kind of funny I mean again human beings I love human beings I'm one I am one but she's been on a diet getting ready for the holidays she always likes to go on a diet before the holidays so she can eat what she wants and then and that really tries to balance it out so and one night she comes to bed and I'm not making this up she's got crumbs and chocolate crumbs on the corner of her mouth and she's in a diet and I don't care I really don't but it's just funny to me how's that diet coming along oh it's awful Jeff up telling me I'm tortured myself and she's talking I'm getting shelled with crumb fragments liquor chocolate flying everywhere you know like I'm gonna get up in the morning and notice there are three ho ho is missing out of the package and go honey somebody stole three ho hos last night that's the third time this week I'm gonna call the neighbors find out if they got a ho ho bandit one year she came home with rice cakes this was her idea of dessert rice cakes have you eaten these things cake I think not I think caulk would be a better word it's not food its insulation told her we could save a few bucks just eat the styrofoam peanuts that came with your ThighMaster oh come on they're awful our dog ate nine of a wind a yard and past the thermos and the dog could use a diet our dog is so fat can't bark anymore just wheezes when the doorbell rings [Music] he's 12 years old he's not a dog he's a throw rug he didn't break win we wouldn't know he was alive half the time and he's so fat his stomach drags on the floor one day he ran across the rug he set himself on fire that was good I mean you got to slow down just stay I'll move to Twinkie crumb to you it's my wife's dog she has all the pets she's got a cat what bought a cat my wife did bought a can boy okay and lord knows you can't get a free cat anywhere in North America we live in Tennessee they're flying out of pickup trucks all over this state if she waltzes in with a litter box they go well that's just what the home needed more poop Genet dog in the diapers you know the house doesn't smell bad enough we get a pet cow he'll just crash on the couch my house smells so bad my friends won't step foot in there anymore come on in Mike now I already got a living in there a yak come on dogs have wisdom the carpet so much you know if we ever shampoo did we did have to have hazmat in there the pending ammonia leak and she knows I hate to kick the cat right the litter box so she brings home an article you can buy a kit that you put on your toilet you can get your cat to use your toilet you can potty train a cat why how festive is that gonna be at 3:00 a.m. all right who's in the bathroom yeah all right how do you lock the door care comes out dragging a feeling stream behind them are [Music] come on man mean this cat do not get along at all I don't know why but he runs up my chest at five o'clock in the morning gets an inch from my face and breeze that tuna breath all over me with the motor that apparently he's just waking me up so he can spin around and show me his tail you know sweetheart I don't know why I'm having so much trouble bonding with the can perhaps you should let him brush his backside up against your nostril then it'd give you a little perspective I'm telling you the cat's trying to kill me there are mornings they'll put both paws into my windpipe put both paws right in there man and start going back and forth and I know what he's thinking if I had thumbs you'd be a dead man oh I wish I hid from and I know she only got the cat that's just best with me trust me she's a sick ward it's no coincidences in our marriage in 20 years four different houses and it's no coincidence my side of the bed always faced the kid's room I was always the closest to the kid's room so when one of them woke up at two o'clock in the morning I got the wake-up call and you've never lived a full life until you've woken up to a two-year-old with the vomit dance that'll get you up I don't care how tired you are man running down the hall you hold him out in front come on man hey hey guys they turn around daddy space the front and they never make it to the toilet see porcelain black we almost made it and I hear my wife in the bedroom it's her idea of funny sick there's another idea she thinks it's funny well when we were with when the kids were little real little she came to me one night she closes the door behind us and she puts her arms around me and kisses my neck and tells me you get those boys to bed I am all yours tell you how stupid I was I thought I could do it man never try getting two little kids down to bed at the same time it's like hurting crickets or something you just get out the bed and you start reading a story and of course they know every word in the book you're going down you skip somebody that skip it just go to bed with hello water in the water I gotta go to bathroom with you wouldn't drink water wouldn't need to go to the bathroom 20 minutes all I heard coming out of that bedroom of mine was a sick man I have to laugh it's on the phone with her friends he's trying she's sick and this is her idea of funny a couple months ago I'm not making this up I'm in my chair every man in this room has a chair sitting in my chair she comes up behind me she starts giving me a rub and the rectum I rub and rub in my head like that and she's got her arm around me and she's kissing my neck and she says I love you Jeffrey and I said love you too babe and she walks away it was one of those warm fuzzy moments I was fuzzy folks ten minutes later my boy walks in hey dad who drew the smiley face on your bald spot permanent marker yet she's sick and she's warped don't feel sorry for I love her dearly she started menopause about five years ago menopause there are nights now that I lie in bed a dream about the good old days of PMS I cannot get our home cold enough for my wife she spends half the week on the phone with the air conditioning guy it's broken again it's broken it's not broken there's not enough friend in the world for the woman if there is a hole in the ozone it's over the roof of my home in Tennessee 48 degrees in my bedroom I got meat hanging up the curtain rats for God's sake let you walk in and 10 o'clock and turn on that 64 bladed fan she installed Ida bolt the furture of floor to keep it from getting sucked through the roof staying in the middle of room it's hot and then she wakes me up to feel her night sweats isn't that necessary I'm sound asleep man sound asleep so come over zip my Park open just zip felis it's disgusting look at me I'm just laying here there's like a furnace in me or something oh boy you're lucky you don't have to go through this you know I wouldn't if you quit waking me up I could sleep right through your perspiration I told the kids watch out now mom's going through some stuff they said like what those nights you don't do your homeworks you get mad and yell at you said yeah be a little different now she might start crying and then stab you all I was saying you see your mother's sweat and hide all the sharp pencils but you guys have been absolutely wonderful and delightful and as always I have I have a love time I married a Ohio girl and we've up in Hudson Ohio if you're not familiar with Hudson they lob Faberge eggs at Halloween and so daddykins was thrilled to death she was marrying a comedian I got a couple things I like to share with you i yeah he finished a book since I was Ben I had been here published by Broadman Holman and I got to tell you doing a book is I'm a porter lying illiterate from the southside of Chicago so what a country we live in I'm at a party one night guy goes here you have any of that stuff written down I go sure because that's the first rule of entertainment lie you ride a horse Oh since I was this big and then you go out and take horse lessons you know so I go yeah I got it all right now it's like I sent a couple chapters they read them they liked them they gave me some advance money and about a month and after that I called a friend of mine Martha Bolton who was an author and I said I need some help I just spent the advance money and I haven't written a work I think I'm in trouble and I said do you know where periods and commas go because I got that spellcheck on word have you ever done - you hit that spellcheck and it was like a Christmas tree it's just red and green squiggly lines all over they I called everybody and come and look at your dad's a so she said she knew her periods and commas went and I and I sent her I would send her a bunch of words and then I would put a bunch of periods and commas at the bottom of the page and and with a note that said if you could put those were those belong that would really help me out and whatever you got left over just leave them at the bottom of the page so it worked out and we wrote this book it's just funny stories and stuff and the reason I mention it was because I had to do media for this and III do two kinds of media I do secular media and I also do Christian media and the publicist would would send us out and one of the funny stories of this I got him crossed up I didn't know radio I was doing secular radio out of Seattle of all places you know not exactly a conservative Christian radio station and I mentioned Galatians the Bible and I was talking about the verses 5:20 and the fruits of the spirit and all of this and these guys are on the radio I'm on the phone in Tennessee doing it and they're going collages who wears galoshes in the Bible and I'm telling you talk about a paradigm shift in your brain I'm gone these guys wait a minute this is a Christian radio and they're mocking up this is Wow is this progressive I'm not sure collages and in anyway I got through it if I called the publicist they go that wouldn't by any chance have been a secular radio he goes oh yeah so when I went in and did the show in Seattle I asked the church that I was at I go by the way anybody hear the radio show and a bunch of people went and I go how long did they make fun of me after I hung up it's nobody stood up and what not too long 20 minutes maybe but it was interesting to me how the two different media's took took the same information we would send the same bio off so the secular side was always interested in how a comic goes from work and casinos and and you know if in real antic city in Las Vegas casinos and comedy clubs like this I did these for like 20 years and how you go from that to work in outreach shows and churches as a born-again Christian and the Christian side all they wanted to know is about the marriage how'd you and your wife keep it together how did you do all this stuff and and to me the interest it's just to again same information to different interests in the information and they to answer the first question how does an atheist from the southside of Chicago go from working casinos to being a born-again Christian and living in Nashville it's pretty simple I crawled into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting 19 years ago and I just wanted to stop drinking that was it that was my goal and they told me to pray and I said to what and they said find something in this universe that's larger than you and I got to tell you the only thing that exceeded my arrogance was my ignorance I could not get my head around anything larger than me my wife will tell you I mean the whole world revolved around me alcoholism is a self-centered sickness it really is and Mike wasn't getting on my knees for anybody or anything and I got to tell you God has a way of breaking us and he really does CS Lewis said that suffering was God's megaphone and he turned the megaphone up the first thing to go is the desire to perform I had no desire to stand on stage and perform anymore I used to sit in the stool stare at the floor and I would do my little skits and I got to tell you my agents would call me up and go man and tell me I'm getting a lot of heat from these club owners they're just they've lost it what is going on you and I go I don't care I don't know I don't care and I love if anybody here knows what it's like to wake up every day of your life with that overriding question what's the point why am I here what's the point and that's when it started with me I quit drinking and all of a sudden I want to know the meaning of life and you got to understand this folks I am an ignoramus from the southside of Chicago I am not kidding you I've never read a book in my life till I was 31 years old and and all of a sudden I'm waking up in the morning and I want to know the meaning of life my father never sat me down and said to me boy there's gonna come a time in your life where you're gonna want to know what this is all about all I wanted to do is have a few beers and go out and party and and live my life and be left alone that was basically it and all of a sudden I'm waking up every day of my life and I want to know what the point is and there was no answer for me so I go to a therapist and I ask her what's the point what is this about and and we start talking and she gives me road less traveled so I read road less traveling I think maybe there's something here for me maybe I'll read and then being an obsessive compulsive person and believe me when you quit drinking you gotta lots of spare time you can only Bowl so many frames so I bought books I started with John Bradshaw series on family dynamics and then I went to melody babies codependency no more books and I just wanted to know folks that's all it was it was just as there had to be an answer somewhere and I started reading philosophy and I got into I started reading Plato but God forbid has anybody finished Republic I mean really so I started reading the people that read Plato and I figured though I started reading the people that read Conte and I started reading the people to read Hume and I started reading the people I just wanted to know that's all and in the meantime God took my career shattered it took my marriage and I'm telling you if you're in a marriage today this full of acrimony wait till you get to apathy I'm telling you there's no more painful human experience than apathy so wake up in the morning and not care about nothing not your wife not your kids not your career nothing of this earth mattered except that question that's all I wanted to know and I read as much as I could as much as I could shove in and at one point my therapist told me she says you got to quit reading you are overloading on information and I go back what's the pike I don't understand this I don't understand this and she said just slow down a little bit let's try to sort some stuff and I gotta tell you God puts people in our lives we are his instrument I believe this with all of my heart all of my heart and soul and he and people came into my life and and some what people would give me things and and at the time I was renamed Rand I don't know if you're familiar with a man but it's a humanistic egocentric philosophy where capitalism is the highest ideal that a human can strive for and at that time I had just filed bankruptcy so I wasn't doing too well in the capitalism department then I actually believe this if I could give my wife more things she would be happier than she was and I got to tell you there's nothing more saddening or disheartening for a man to look at his wife across the table and know that she wants something from you and you have nothing to give her in it I got angry that's what I did I got angry and it was a legitimate request I'm telling every man in this room and your wife looks at you for something in her eyes that she wants from you it's a legitimate request you signed on for something but I didn't have anything to give her except apathy and anger and and and and I'd want to be around her so one day she asked for a divorce that's what she said she said I would you like a divorce that's what she said to me we're sitting in a parking lot somewhere and at Toys R Us and she goes would you like a divorce and I said if that's what you want to babe understand this our culture tells us that marriage is irrelevant our culture tells us don't worry about it the kids will get over it divorce is nothing it's just simple piece of paper cut the paper divorce is the most life-altering decision a man and woman will ever make it will change your children's lives forever good bad or indifferent you can argue about it 30 years later but at that moment it will change their lives forever and my wife and I are sitting in a parking lot two dead soulless human beings and she says very calmly and very quietly would you like a divorce and I answer her like take out the trash I said this that's what you want pay back the car out we drove home and that's why we decided to get a divorce not screaming Jags we were done fighting we were two strangers living under the same roof for months couldn't even make eye contact pain was so bad so I go out we had nothing to divide up we got it all lost in a bankruptcy so we go to a paralegal and I get these divorce papers and I love it the Bible says what Satan intends for evil God will use for good I have a huge character flaw to this day it's called procrastination that's my job to fill out the divorce papers talk about a gas leak going off I saw those words and all those things you had if I can't even fill out a checkbook I'm like oh man fell asleep at the table they went in the junk drawer right there I just put him in a junk drawer and then we lived I moved into the guest room that's what I did we made a decision I didn't have any money to move anywhere else so I said I'll stay in a guest room I'll stay on the road as much as I can call my agents up I said keep me on the road and they did pretty much and and that's how Amy and I lived for eight or nine months or whatever it was and then one day as God would have it moved a woman into her life she was a battered woman she shows up at a dog show my wife shows dogs with a black eye and she's got the sunglasses on and my wife says to her because she's compassion she goes what happened and she makes up some story and she goes that's a lie you are not going back home to that man you're coming home with me and then she gets home and I said oh where she come from and then Tammy says well I said where's she going to stay and Tammy says in the guest room I said where am I gonna stay you know she goes well you can move back in the bedroom until we figure something out so I moved back into the bedroom and this is God's timing not ours and and we started talking that's all we did we just started talking and things would come up and we would talk about hurts and slights and things and very cordial very cordial and there was an evening I noticed she had her back to me and I walked across the room and I and I and I wanted to turn her around I realized that she always had her back to me when I talked to her she could and I tried to turn around she stopped and she says I can't what do you mean she goes I can't look at you so what do you mean and she says Jeff just please fill out those bad let's just get this done let's cut it so I go I'll get the papers we fill them out we get them notarized a couple weeks go by we're driving to the courthouse 10 minutes 10 minutes from filing those papers folks that was 12 years ago 10 minutes this woman says to me pull the car over and she what do you mean she goes I don't know why we know why now we believe God speaks to us whether we want him to or not that tiny little voice that's in all of us which no one has ever been able to explain to me my conscience where does my conscience come from and I've read them all folks I've read every book I could get from the skeptics all the way down to the devout atheist like Richard Dawkins I've read them all and they cannot explain to me that voice that voice of conscience that every little child has on a playground and every adult has says to her this is a mistake and she says to me pull over we go home we try and we tried and in the meantime God puts a man in my life and and I gotta tell you this we're on a golf course a multi-millionaire businessman and I didn't know what at the time but he says we're on a golf course and I'm asking him about money I'm in the same ran phase and I'm asking him about how do you make money how do you accumulate wealth and he says something I go wow that's brilliant where'd you hear that he goes it's in the Bible whatever you know driving along a couple holes go by and I said where'd you hear that and he goes it's in the Bible and I go come on Phil who reads the Bible he said I read it every day I go me right and he goes what do you what do you mean what's your problem and I said come on let God let alone God's Word are you kidding me you talk about archaic he says what's in the Bible that you don't think is true I said I don't know I never read it I'm an atheist and he goes no you're not an atheist you're a I don't understand that and he said well let me give you the short answer if you're gonna be an atheist you have a true atheist it has to have infinite knowledge of an infinite universe in order to deny the existence of an admission being you yourself have to be of missioned and I said what are you talking about and he said Bertrand Russell learn that in a debate with Frederick cobblestone a Jesuit priest he came out of that debate eveng gnostic and he said why don't you be an agnostic and I said what is that he goes you know this you don't know I said run that by me again he said you know you don't know why don't you allow for this much in this vast universe that you don't know you don't even know what's on the other side of the Sun I said of course I do it's a three prong plug and I told him you don't know either and he said I believe that if you allow that crack that God could work his way through that crack and reveal himself to you in a profound way I believe that and I'll sign you up for these Bible study tapes and he sent me these tapes and he sent me a Bible and of course I didn't open them up I didn't care it was a year and a half went by I had accumulated all these tapes and all these things and my marriage falls apart and Tammy's gonna go back to Ohio that's what she says I'm going to Ohio I said we don't have any money for you to go back to Ohio she says you're not invited my father's paying for the trip I couldn't believe it she didn't invite mr. sunshine on the trip and before she left she gathered up these tapes threw him on the floor and said you either listen to these things or I'm throwing them out I said all right now listen I don't care you know whatever she leaves and and I believe this with all of my heart and when she walked out that door I wasn't gonna be married at the end of the summer and I couldn't think of one thing to say to her not one thing to justify her staying with me I knew she'd get around her family and they would talk to her chirping her ear tell her to drop the loser you've given him ten years let him go and if she's walking out that door I can't think of one thing to say come on give me another chance let me go I've had a thousand chances she walks out the door a couple days go by and I'm walking by those tapes and that voice goes open one up I start to walk over another voice says there's nothing in there for you I start to walk away to another voice says open one up I start to walk back there's nothing in there for you where does this struggle come from I have opened tapes up my entire life never had a problem go to Sam Goody's and open them up just throw them right in the cassette player I'm standing there looking at this pile of manila and this this struggle is going on and at some point a voice screams at me and says it's biblical trash it's just biblical trash there's nothing in there for you and I grab one and I open it up and I dump him on the floor and I look at it it was Ecclesiastes couldn't even pronounce in kleezak lousy what is this gotta get the Bible that was in the junk drawer next to the the divorce papers anybody's got a junk drawer knows once something goes in it never comes out till you get a shed which is the suburban version of a junk drawer so I put the tape in and I got to tell you there's a moment in every every believer every believer in God every believer in Christ has a moment and this is my moment when that pastor threw that tape from Denton Texas said meaningless the beginning of Ecclesiastes is meaningless it's meaningless it's vanities depending on the version you have and and and I'll smoke I'll smoke from from the message but that resonated meaningless what's meaningless in life that's it this is in the Bible and in 45 minutes I got my light it's Solomon 78 year old man wrote the book of Ecclesiastes at the end of his life and he's found out that God would life without God has no meaning without meaning there is no purpose without purpose suicide is your answer and I went Wow that's in the Bart Wow get that again folks without God no meaning without meaning no purpose without purpose suicide is your answer that resonated with me and I remember sharing this years later at a church and somebody came up to me and go I can't believe God used Ecclesiastes to lead you to his son and I go what do you mean it goes such a cynical book I go well you didn't know me like he knew me I'm telling you I was I was like wow so I ripped open every envelope looking for ecclesia classy tapes I couldn't get it and I pumped them in and I pumped them in and there was a point I wanted to run on the lawn and hold the Bible up and have you read have you read this thing my god what a book Wow I was doing Bible study in the car then I almost met Jesus before I met Jesus it was just you know squirming out of the way sorry got in your way there man you know it exhilarated me and I believe that in my heart that this was the moment God said to me you've had enough you've had enough and in three months I listened to a year and a half's worth of Bible study tapes I got to know God's Word and I won't go into that right now but I got to tell you I was in Dallas Texas with my buddy who sent me those tapes and a year and a half had gone by and he said to me when I met you you were looking for something have you found it and all I could think to say was if Jesus Christ is not who he said he was because he made some audacious claims he made those claims I am the truth the way the life no one gets to the Father except through me he made that son of God claims he went to the cross if he did not rise from the dead if Jesus did not rise from the dead then Christianity is nothing more than another man-made feel-good organization like the Kiwanis Clubs and I'm sorry I like the Kiwanis Clubs but they don't change people's hearts and I need to change a heart and my man looked at me and he said to me he goes can you accept Christ as your Savior and I said I don't know what is that and he goes can you admit you're a sinner I go well let me think about that for a while that was the easy part accepted Christ is my Savior 10 years ago and I got to tell you the peace is the gift it's the gift that's what it is it's the peace is the gift my marriage is still together and I gotta tell you I was new guys have been absolutely the best you

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 1,453,930

Rating: 4.705133 out of 5

Keywords: Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Comedy, Hilarious, Humor, Hysterical, Comic, Laugh, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes, Crazy, LOL, ROTFLOL, Silly, Jeff, Allen, Happy Wife, Happy Life, Happy, Wife, Life, Buttercup, Waffle

Id: 8_g5O0gzUPc

Length: 60min 39sec (3639 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 24 2019