Jeff Allen Volume 1: Best Jokes and Moments Parts 1, 2 & 3

I got a son right now serving with 101st airborne at Fort Campbell Kentucky [Music] thank you thank you for applauding that not every audience applause I've had people come to me after shows and say how did that happen started when he was 16 my wife goes I've had it hat those are her two birds kids would call me up when I was on the road mom said she's had it what does that man run that's what that means she's a lunatic run had called her have I said about what she goes that boy I went cuz it wasn't me it's what about she says I'm tired of trying to shove an education down that boys throat sick and tired of it you won't get study you won't do grades at school you got to take summer school classes I'm fed up I don't know what he's gonna do when he graduates it's not gonna live here the rest of his life I said to my wife what kind of student were you she goes that was awful I said well lord knows I was awful what makes you think you and I together would breed a good student baby if there's anything to DNA this boy's right on track her tell a joke his timing is impeccable I says what do you want me to do she says find out what he's even doing it's not a high school up fed up I can't even look at him I'm so angry I said alright I'll talk to the land call him upstairs I sit him down at the kitchen table I said I would tell you up front son tell you right up front this is a father-son discussion father-son discuss your mother wants to know what you're gonna do when you get out of high school [Applause] he says I don't know I go wow that's a problem we gotta come up with something I got golf balls to hit man this ain't going away soon and and he says yeah tell me what joining out I said great so I go in and I tell his mother go join the army now my wife looks amigos what's he gonna do when he gets in the army when does it end I had a wedge in my hand man walk back out I go a bomb I said what are you gonna do when you get in the army I'm gonna drive a tank I said cool go back and tell his mother gonna drive a tank she doesn't say nothing walks by both of us into the basement comes up five minutes later 40 pounds of newspapers so what is that she goes I want you and that tank driving Boyer's to go through those classified ads and show me one job for a tank driver go to the army to learn a skill so when you get out of getting feet of family don't go in there to drive a tank said he's 16 he wants to blow things up I'm 50 I want to blow things up school was different I got head-butted by my third grade teacher yeah it's funny now miss Stokes Barrett I'll never forget you don't even make that stuff up this poor woman was so frustrated with my 9 year old body she was just shaking me against the locker she was overweight or cheeks were vibrating like jello to a nine-year-old boy that's funny I couldn't stop laughing at the pole she'd finally had enough I laugh at me you obnoxious little punk I said you stop vibrating shallot or I'll stop laughing that was the wrong thing to say to miss Stokes Barry tell her what and I couldn't go home and tell my father miss Stokes Barry head-butted me twice because my father would go why every time I got in trouble at school you know my dad told me leave those people alone they work hard enough they don't need you in there disrupting their whole whole life when I got to eighth grade this is my father's advice for school go to sleep I'm not making that up he says you go to sleep you won't get in trouble no more and it worked I slept I did I slept through school from eighth grade through high school I sailed through what a 2.0 baby right in the middle so here's a typical conversation senior year August rolls around prior to senior year we'd always pile in the car go to the mall as a family and buy school clothes August come senior year he says why do you guys got to go we go every year why I don't know what's your mother's thing I'm old enough to buy my own school clothes dad really you have any money still don't know how to respond to it but I understood how was that age once I said I'll talk to your mom I go tell Tammy he doesn't want us to go she says all right I get that but explain it to him I said I will I said I'm down I said I want you to understand something when you go to the mall you are not buying the clothes I'm buying them all you're doing is picking them out whatever stop that I want a fashion show when you come home okay go through the mall he comes home comes out of the bedroom first pair of jean there were clown jeans I've never seen a pair of denim that large in my life had to be 60 yards hanging off his lower back first time Tammy watched him she threw her back out dragging him over to the dryer six months the woman walked around like Quasimodo people to church what happened well it was a denim injury it excuse me it's my turn to ring the church bells now it's a quasi joke little highbrow for Southbrook so he waddles over to me and the underwear is up here somewhere pants are sagging down there and kids don't walk they kind of waddle you know cuz the downtrodden if they are it's like when you're coming out of the bathroom looking for toilet paper that's the way they are ah boy is that not a Death March Wow who didn't change there all this time what does that take 14 seconds out of your busy week so my kid waddles over to me he looks at me and he's so proud of himself he says what do you think that's it man I am glad you asked me we're going back to the mall snoop that's what I think why do you have all an Allegro what are you ripping off TV sets you need all that packets break what point he went for a quarter his whole eye whole arm literally disappeared it's just rooting around goes what's all that fuzzy stuff it's a little brother get him out of the pocket it'll find his way sure not be graduates now eight months later he not only didn't join the army he's that he's not doing nothing his favorite hobbies fighting with my wife they're fighting every day I'm getting five six messages on my cell phone three from her two from him you know and it's just driving me insane I come home one day stood in my living room and said I've had it get up sit up this is not a father-son discussion is a man-to-man discussion he says what's the difference you'll know in five seconds boy you can't live here anymore whoa you can come for breakfast lunch and dinner cuz I dig your company but you can't live here why not cuz you can't get along with my wife I love the look that would be your mother what am I gonna do I go I don't know I said what are you working flying J what are you pulling down 65 bucks a week get your own place hard to say that one with a straight face or you can join the military like you said a year and a half ago that was what the plan was I don't care what you do but you can't live here because I can't take it anymore don't let some strange man move in my house and disrupt it I'm not gonna let you just because your DNA is his mine don't mean nothing to me comes up about a week later he goes I'm gonna join the army I said that's a wise decision young man told you that to tell you this he went in the basic tree no idea what goes on in basic training I never was in the military because I'm a wimp I'm not kidding if I was in the Army I tell every general do not tell me anything you don't want the other side to know cuz I'll tell I will man it just threatened me we're gonna rip out your fingernails I believe you what do you need to know you got golf courses in this country have no idea what goes on at basic training all I know is we got a letter from him started outbound dad I am so sorry please mine forgive me for all the trouble I caused you dad some of your Bible Andrew the guys are killing me and her dad I can't take it my wife started crying and I'm sitting there going well maybe we go we are we tell him he's learned his lesson he can go home now three pages of the most repent letter I've ever read my life he was fessing up the things that he did when he lived with us I didn't even want to know about dad I started smoking when I was one year old shut up you got away with it last paragraph third page starts out well dad I finished my first day one day my wife said it started when he got off the bus and some guy went there'll be no TV or video games for eight weeks boom ah this is inhumane mom dad I'm so sorry sent me a Bible we picked him up at Fort Knox eight weeks later after basic training I couldn't tell you how proud I was at that boy I'm not kidding I was amazed at the transformation and then we take him back home we live here in Nashville we took him back home and I said give us one night I give us one night that's all well let's take you out well show you off in your uniform we're so proud of you and and let us treat you like royalty let's treat you to a feast you tell us where you want to eat and we'll take it my boy looked at me and said I'd like to eat it out back sir right are we gonna him to do in eight weeks when I couldn't get him to do in nineteen years look me in the eye and speaking entire sentence without an ohm and uh you have to get it out if you got a resentment you got to get it out resentment to kill you absolutely well they literally I read in the paper for four or five years ago I'm not making this up woman stabbed her husband while he was sleep and killed him that's not the joke whoever sit next to that woman you might want to think about where you are that was almost maniacal I'll move over here I gotta tell you she stabs her husband you think they had some unresolved conflicts may be some resentments that they think they could have been counseled out you know what her defense was when she went to court I had no other choice what this implies that she had a list of things on a piece of paper of choices can't do that can't do that came to that stabbed and while he's sleeping while that said I'm out of choices ladies if you're at that point in your relationship with your man that stabbing him as part of the equation you need to talk to that man I don't care what he says to you I'm busy oh no I think you're gonna want to hear this I'm seriously thinking of putting a steak knife in your cranium buddy I guarantee you that boy I put those golf clubs right down pull up a chair get a cup of joe what else is going on in their pretty little head of yours now that I'm sitting there thinking about it up and fairly neglect for the last couple of years how about you and I do something fun together go antiquing that'll be fun yeah then we'll come back and have a spinal tap that'll complete the package for me root canal how about that told that story at a church one night and a husband and wife grabbed me off to the side we need to talk to you I said about what she says the wife says I don't know what you're talking about all that arguing is stuff we've been married seven years we've never had an argument right he goes home and I'm kidding on that but she says we've never had an argument seven years I mean I got to take their word for I mean you know I don't know seven yeah are you kidding me seven years without it this if I lived seven days with Tammy without a disagreement at some point I would be sleeping with one eye open I know me I'm annoying she keeps telling me I'm annoying I know it's not building up there's nothing festering in there it's just no release valve no nothing I just she's not then I'm gonna be half awake when she snaps seven years ladies let's say you marry to God seven years ago and there every morning he likes to burp on his way to the bathroom he thinks it's funny good morning baby bro and all this time you thought it's disrespectful but you never want to say anything cuz you don't want to rock the boat now you're seven years into this you're one burp from killing your husband he doesn't even know it he's sound asleep like he's been sleeping every night for seven years you're wide awake next to him go ahead let it rip tomorrow morning Buster Brown I got something special for you tomorrow morning go ahead boy I am so out of choices this is all I got left go ahead let it rip so he wakes up next morning like he's walking up every day for seven years come on a baby boy big little harsh for church my point is talk to your man ladies one day the good Lord was looking down over his creation and said let's see how they like it to create someone of their own image who denies their existence [Applause] because I have read the Bible more than once cover to cover and it never mentions how old the devil was when he rejected God's authority if I'm guessing an age I'm saying 16 double got his driver's license drove to Georgia that's all I know [Music] one heck of a fiddle player buddy you can't argue with a sixteen year old you can't have a three word vocabulary that's it is the word you're gonna pass your history test is another word you can't spend the night at your friend's house you flaunt the history test and then that word whatever whatever drove me insane it affected my nerves because when it would come out of their mouths I'd immediately point you right in the eye whatever and get your little angels ready for therapy they're going this is America your kids gonna lay on a couch at some point in his life and blame you for everything you might as well give him reasons going in don't stress about it they're gonna do it I told my kids when they learn to write when you perceive an injustice in our home do us all a favor write it down and date and I'll initial it boys I'll come well when you're middle-aged my memory is not so good we could breeze through the therapeutic process together I'll just hand that book the therapist all that stuff with my initials next to it I did and I'll be at the golf course I don't get it where we're at as a nation we got 40 year old men calling up their 65 year old fathers and Yellin a dime at 2:00 in the morning and blaming them for all the grief in their life it may be true may had a rotten father but at this point is life what do you expect them to do for you I got my answer ready I'm waiting for one of my sons to call me up in 2:00 in the morning you ruin my life all I'm gonna say is whatever [Applause] what other answer is good do-over you know well we didn't mean to ruin your life hey why don't you move back home Miah Miah re-raise yeah we're a lot commerce since our strokes don't you know we can't remember when bets penny but is we we can't remember anything you can you can move home and help us find our shoes in the morning that'll be fun we can't find anything around here it remote controls car keys it's like a scabbard or on every day you sure don't sound like a nice young man what was your name again and I'm on my way to work one night and I see a guy jogging 82 below zero the guy's jogging I have to tell you this from my heart never in my life if I had a stronger to run over another human being with my car he would have thanked me I know he would have this guy's got a problem he just don't know how to quit that snow probably left his wife hanging on his leg not again hurry you'll die out there shut up I gotta run I run every day I don't get jogging I've tried it I wasn't very good I run a mile by half a dozen donuts and then walk home I ran every day for a month and a half and gained 21 pounds I don't care what your doctor tells you that jogging I'll pack on the flab bang so friend of mine said your problem is you don't understand you have the lack of information if you understood it more you'd enjoy it boy you bought me a book on jogger they write books on how to John how intellectually deprived do you have to be did I figure out how to John what are you running the problem thought gee I'm skipping again you know honey there's a lot more to this jog and it meets the eye are there people in America so dense they see runners on the horizon how do they do that there's got to be a book and the book is sick it means they fill it with information you'll never use one chapter one whole chapter devoted to how to train for a marathon I read the first line and looked at my wife and said like I will ever live 26 miles from a donut shop why else would anybody run that far some information I used what to do if you ever out running in a dog chases you that's right that happens and they tell you that to try to outrun the dog is the dog will catch you and bite you so what you're supposed to do it was then you hear the dog you stop running and turn around you face the beast point your finger at him so he knows you're talking to him you don't want any confusion you know an armadillo can run by then you got total chaos after you point you stop your foot you go free the law of voice is supposed to let the dog know you're the one in charge yeah so I'm out jogging one morning and trust me this is the pace I jog at I didn't want to break a sweat while I was out running because we know how annoying this could be and I got my zone and your runners know what a zone is that's where your thoughts become so focused on one thing and I'm thinking glazed I'm gonna get a glaze get me a cinnamon roll and a buttery croissant for my zone I get awoken by this vicious sound I stopped running and I turn around coming down the street full bore with his teeth flick these are deep is this tiny little three-legged dog things missing his right front leg and he is motoring well perhaps I'm warped but I thought it was a funniest thing I've ever seen I couldn't get fries out I was laughing at him I just point that up and spit that myself he kept telling her so anyway got closed up they got nervous I let him have it I would free and just like the book the dog stop and begin to tip where the lake was missing poor thing I could see it in his eyes I'm not again he hopped up right away grounded her and the too late man you blew it I was scared that was let's come with me I'll get you fish be creamy god help us the bike helmet laws are you kidding me any man in this room over the age of 40 knows this if you were when you were 12 or 13 if you actually showed up for a bike ride with your friends wearing a helmet you needed the helmet to keep your heads okay but anyway your friends were pelted with rocks it dorkwad what's with the plastic hat that's it gggg you did to my best gonna tell him I'm aa man I grew up in America before the lawyers took it over and ruined it if a kid named himself we called that childhood and if he was stupid in the process of Maimon himself his father punched him for being stupid someone told me when I was 12 I don't know who but somebody get yourself a ball jar a canning jar find some dry ice put it in that jar put the lid on it it'll blow up I'm 12 I said cool where'd he get dry ice at ice cream man one day I heard the ice cream man coming down my street I run out there with my ball jar I ask him you gotta be dry I see what's going to do with it this jar put the lid on it it's gonna explode ice cream man says cool here's your dry ice that's the America I grew up and that night my mother sat at the kitchen table picking shards of glass out of my forehead when my father walked he said how that happened someone told me you put your ice in a ball jar to blow up so knowing that you stood by staring at that jar till it blew up in your face yep my raisin a [ __ ] apparently I never did it again that have been really stupid that's how you learn not to do something it hurts real bad pain was given to us by God as a wonderful teaching tool we're the most painted verse Society in the world I'm not an advocate for pain I'm just telling you it's a part of life get over it and my my nephew's coming by one days ten years old I look at him I said oh my gosh where is he going my sister said rollerblading honestly I thought it was gonna disarm a nuclear device he looked like the Michelin Man all foam rubber and plastic she said I don't want him to get hurt out there hurt my god you could take a semi at 80 miles an hour falling on the concrete is supposed to hurt it's your incentive to learn to stay upright on the roller blades they took lawn darts away from us lawn darts are no more you know why because people were getting stuck with the lawn dart really we were aiming at each other you idiots nobody at corporate legal saw that one coming down the pike nobody a tyrant II raised their hand at the meeting hey won't they throw these things at each other oh no we're gonna put a plastic ring in the box that'll be the target hate to be a problem here but why would you throw in a plastic ring when your brother's 20 feet away my brother got stuck in the lake my mother didn't even think to sue the dart manufacturer she took the dart out of his legs said stick her thumb in the hole and get out of the way next time you idiot that sound parental advice car seats we didn't have car seats you have a car seat no you didn't you walked your brother's car didn't ya you weren't even belted in she'd be driving I'd be walking around in the back seat looking out the window my mom took a turn one day I flew out the back door I laid in the street she drove five blocks before I screw he's even missing then she pulls up she didn't get out of the car she rolls the window down what are you doing in the middle of straight getting a car I'm late she even said did he was telling me to put a seatbelt on she said locked the door in front of me it's pathetic I had no idea what that man was talking about 26 years later I can tell you I'm a happy happy happy man I've been right in 12 years times I have to ask my wife am i happy oh you better believe you're happy okay I was just checking with your buttercup call my buddies up I can't go golfing but I'm a happy happy happy man don't get me wrong we argue you've got to argue in your marriage or argue and your marriage it'll build up in your brain and over time it'll make you goofy then you'll wind up like those babbling mumbling couples you see in Florida that's scarier you've seen 50-plus years of marriage just walking down the street you look at the wife she's fine it's the husband eight feet behind her that scares me to death poor guys all hunched over vibrating and mumbling to himself oh he's telling me what to do well I'm gonna start telling you what to do Emma I'm a man you can't tell me what to do no more I'm a man I'm a man I mean poor guys trying to win back all the arguments he's been throwing away for 50 years that was six three when he got married no he's four foot one look at the poor guy weighed down by a half a century of apathy leave a toilet seat up if I wanna leave a toilet seat up tell me what to do hope you sit in the water every night I don't care anymore so when she turns around what'd you just say I didn't say nothing to you you got to get it out and learn to communicate that's a big word communicate Gary Chapman dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book five love languages five taming I read that book twice in one week because we never found our love language in there apparently bitterness and sarcasm isn't part of dr. Gary Chapman's love life you have to learn how your spouse communicates my wife could say more with an eye roll and a side Tammy can sigh she could bend a palm tree we're at a costume party it's about five six years ago and a costume party I hear her side and I look up she's doing this and she's that subtle trust me so my friend tells me I think Tammy's having a stroke now she wants to talk to me outside she doesn't want you guys to hear this we go outside we're not outside ten seconds she looks at me and says you're acting like a fool I said I'm dressed as a green bean what's proper public etiquette for loves you she said shut up you know exactly what I'm talking about these are my friends these are not your comedy friends these people actually have self-respect and dignity I'm gonna stay in there and take abuse from a cucumber I don't think so I say chill bill some of you thought it was witty toe I was walking home that night five miles in my green bean feet tried to hitchhike but take my word for it nobody in America is picking up a six foot three green bean anymore they pull over they wait till you get close what's it like in the valley hohoho and then take off takes time to learn to communicate with your wife it took me two years of marriage to figure out Tammy will never tell me to do anything around our home if she wants me to do something so ask me a question from the question I gotta stay in there and figure out what it is she want me to do here's an example say leave a pair of my underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor which Frost my wife that's her word when she's angry that just froth if I'm not Frost sir I'm driving her up a wall another one kids will come in where's mom she's up the wall at frostbite that's all I know and you won't believe what put her there boy was that pair of underwear in the middle of the Fed room floor I think you're looking at the most powerful piece of cotton on the planet so I leave my owner in the middle of the room which by the way was not unusual for me when I first got married because when I was a single man I learned how to walk out of my underwear on the way to the shower you walk you get to the end II hop right out of the babies and you leave them in the middle of the room because then you have your underwear inventory at your fingertips and on the floor must be four still in the drawer it was a good system worked for me for years but they got married and found out my system fry and ladies when you're raising a boy understand this how you raise them as a seat it just gives more work for the wife to undo my mother bless her heart for 18 years said the same thing to me for 18 years she'd walk in my room on a Saturday morning look around and go what a pigsty I am NOT your maid young man and if you think I'm gonna pick your stuff up the rest of your life you have another thing it went on for 18 years what points you go I'll see you next Saturday mom then I got married and I find the one in the middle of the room and Tammy goes I am NOT your maid and I'm thinking I've heard that before turns out she's not one day she kicked him at me hit me in the face if you haven't shaved it's like velcro Oh get him off me I'm not touching my own underwear and I'm on my way to work one night and I see a guy jogging 82 below zero the guy's jogging I have to tell you this from my heart never in my life if I had a stronger to run over another human being with my car he would have thanked me I know he would over this guy's got a problem he just don't know how to quit that's probably left his wife hanging on his leg not again hurry you'll die out there shut up I gotta run I run every day I don't get jog and I've tried it I wasn't very good I'd run a mile by half a dozen donuts and then walk home I ran every day for a month and a half and gained 21 pounds I don't care what your doctor tells you that jogger will pack on the flab man so friend of mine said your problem is you don't understand you have a lack of information if you understood it more you'd enjoy it more you bought me a book on jogger they write books on how to join how intellectually deprived you have to be did I figure out how to join what are you running the problem thought gee I'm skipping again you know honey there's a lot more to this jog and it meets the eye are there people in America so dense they see runners on the horizon how do they do that there's got to be a book in the book is thick it means they fill it with information you'll never use one chapter one whole chapter devoted to how to train for a marathon I read the first line and looked at my wife and said like I will ever live 26 miles from a donut shop why else would anybody run that far some information I used what to do if you ever out running in a dog chases you that's right that happens and they tell you not to try to outrun the dog is a dog will catch you and bite you so what you're supposed to to lose did you hear the dog you stop running or turn around you face the Beast point your finger at him so he knows you're talking to him you don't want any confusion you know an armadillo can run by then you got total chaos after you point you stomp your foot you go free the law voice is supposed to let the dog know you're the one in charge yeah so I'm out jogging one morning and trust me this is the pace I'd jog at I didn't want to break a sweat while I was out running because we know how annoying this could be and I got my zone and your runners know what a zone is that's where your thoughts become so focused on one thing and I'm thinking glazed I'm gonna get a glaze to be a cinnamon roll and a buttery croissant for my zone I get awoken by this vicious sound I stopped running and I turn around coming down the street full four with his teeth blech these are deep is this tiny little three-legged dog things missing his right front leg and he is motoring well perhaps I'm warped but I thought it was a funniest thing I've ever seen I couldn't get freeze on I was laughing at him I just point at him and spitting out myself he kept on with her so anyway got close-up they got nervous I let him have it I would breathe and just like the book the dog stop and begin to tip where the lake was missing poor thing I could see in his eyes I'm not again he hopped up right away grounded her and the too late Mandy blew it I was scared I was horrible let's come with me I'll get you Krispy Kreme teenagers I believe teenagers are God's revenge on mankind I really do I think I think one day the good Lord was looking down over his creation and said let's see how they like it to create someone of their own image who denies their existence [Applause] because I have read the Bible more than once cover to cover and it never mentions how old the devil was when he rejected God's authority if I'm guessing an age I'm saying 16 double got his driver's license drove to Georgia that's all I know [Applause] one heck of a fiddle player buddy you can't argue with a sixteen year old you can't they have a three word vocabulary that's it is the word you're gonna pass your history test is another word you can't spend the night at your friend's house you flaunt the history test and then that word whatever whatever drove me insane it affected my nerves because one would come out of their mouths I'd immediately point you right in the eye whatever and get your little angels ready for therapy they're going this is America your kid's gonna lay on a couch at some point in his life and blame you for everything you might as well give him reasons going in don't stress about it they're gonna do it I told my kids when they learn to write when you perceive an injustice in our home do us all a favor write it down and date and I'll initial it boys I'll come well when you're middle-aged my memory is not so good we could breeze through the therapeutic process together I'll just hand that book the therapist all that stuff with my initials next to it I did and I'll be at the golf course I don't get it where we're at as a nation we got 40 year old men calling up their 65 year old fathers and yelling at I'm at 2:00 in the morning and blaming them for all the grief in their life it may be true May had a rotten father but at this point is life what do you expect them to do for you I got my answer ready I'm waiting for one of my sons to call me up in 2:00 in the morning you ruin my life all I'm gonna say is whatever [Applause] what other answer is good do-over you know wow we didn't mean to ruin your life hey why don't you move back home mia mama re-raise you we're a lot commerce since our strokes don't you know we can't remember when bedtime is we we can't remember anything you can you can move home and help us find our shoes in the morning that'll be fun we can't find anything around here it remote controls car keys it's like a scavenger on every day you sure do sound like a nice young man what was your name you

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Keywords: Jeff Allen, Comedy, Stand-Up, Clean Comedy, Comedian Jeff Allen, Stand-Up Comedy, Christian Comedy, Christian Comedian Jeff Allen, stand up comedy, jeff allen comedian, jeff allen comedy, worlds largest library of clean comedy, clean stand up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy full show, clean jokes

Id: vfjCaMXhq_A

Length: 40min 52sec (2452 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 20 2020