Why You Can't 'Deal With Your Life' | Jeff Allen

I am amazed at how many people stopped me out in the hallway and asked me is your wife aware the way you talk about her no she thinks I'm a bricklayer oh honey I'm off to Ohio to build another home now God blessed me with a wonderful woman and I gotta tell you I was then asked in an interview recently what is it I love most about my wife and that's one of those questions that sound on its surface a pretty banal question and and and it's right and you give it some thought and if every man would take the time to think about that what is it you love most about her certainly after 20 years I have to say that this woman has seen just about every demon that I have to offer I hope she's seen them all and she still continues to lay next to me at night and and professor love for me and you can't buy that that is a an absolute gift of grace from a from a another human being and it wasn't always I remember somebody asked me how does an atheist from the south side of Chicago wind up living in Nashville Tennessee as a born-again Christian work in churches I was at a church last night in New Albany and in a Nazarene from from clubs like this and from Vegas casinos and from Atlantic City and and how do you end up work in churches and I got to tell you 25 years ago when I started comedy in Chicago this was the last the last place I expected ever be is in front of a church and professing a faith in God certainly and what happened was I crawled into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting 17 years ago and all I wanted to do was stop drinking that was it that was my goal in life was to stop drinking try to be a civil human being to my family I was not a nice man trust me let's just say I was an angry bitter jaded cynical man just not nice and I was harder on my family than anybody I wasn't nice to many of you people but I was harder on my wife and kids and they told me to pray to a god and they said pray to this guy and I said I don't believe in God and he said we'll find something in this universe that's bigger than you and I got to tell you as broken as I was and beat up as I was that was the hardest thing I had to do was find something larger than me in the universe in that amazing it's just how the human ego could be so large and I could not get in my knees I would not get on my knees and pray to anything but God has his own plans and I've loved the term Hound of heaven I don't know if you're familiar with that it's when God pursues his own and he'll pursue you if he wants you and the only player the only motivator he has for you to get to look heavenly and get on your knees his pain unfortunately that's his only way of getting your attention and he took away everything that I thought I valued everything and after seven or eight years on that journey and I read a lot of books I read other self-help books I could get I was you know reading ain't rained and and and trying to trying to get a hang onto something to make me a better human being I really was I was trying as hard as I could I went to therapy talked to people about my anger my rage and all this stuff and it just wasn't working I went through my whole life trying to feel like I belonged on this planet somewhere and it just wasn't working and God puts people in your lives and trust me if you're on a journey pay attention to the people you come even the guy that hits you with his car is maybe there for a reason you know and I met some interesting people when I look back on this God put a man in my life I was doing comedy for a hundred bucks a week the guy was worth I don't know four five six million dollars sold his business made millions of dollars just wanted to go on the road and do comedy was 50 some years old wasn't a very good comic he didn't have to be I mean he had all the money he ever need he's the only guy that we ever worked with to pulled into the jobs with a 450sel Mercedes I'm coming in on the Greyhound you know I'm your headliner for the week I make the big money how are you but God knows his own man and he knew I wouldn't talk to this man I I was a shallow vacuous empty vessel I really was and I didn't have anything to talk to this man about until I found out because of his wealth he had access some of the nicest golf courses in America he was actually a member of Muirfield Village here and that's all I needed to hear he was my new best friend what I didn't know about him was he was a fundamentalist Christian and I didn't know that and we're sitting in the fairway one day just talking and we're talking about life we're talking about this we're talking about that and then he brings up the Bible and I said I don't give me the Bible and I want to hear the Bible and he says what do you mean and I said I'm an atheist I don't believe in that garbage and he says well what is it about the Bible you don't think is true I said I don't know I never read it and he said well you're not an atheist you're a Maura [Laughter] I have to tell you I wouldn't hit him except that I would have lost access to Muirfield Village oh I wasn't going to do that and I asked him to explain himself and he said well to be honest with you a true atheist is not only a biblical scholar but is scholarly in all the face of the earth and after a long intellectual journey has come to the conclusion that there is no God of the universe you on the other hand want to circumvent the entire intellectual process and just come to the conclusion that there's no God that's lazy and moronic I didn't know what to say so at the end of the week he said to me there's a guy in Denton Texas a man named Tom Nelson he said he teaches the Bible the way I think you would like it taught any and yeah I'd like to sign you up for some study tapes and I said well it cost me anything and he said no and I said well then knock yourself out I'm not paying a nickel for that and then he said can I send you a Bible and I said hey I've tried reading him and believe me I did I open them up in hotel rooms I had read somewhere the Bible was the living breathing Word of God I didn't get it I'd open it up look at it come on you know do something for me I'd read I couldn't get it I didn't understand it so he sends me the tapes sends me the Bible time goes by and God implodes my life he was imploding my life my marriage was falling apart I couldn't deal with my life honestly I tried I I'm telling you if there was a book out there that I could have read that would have given me the tools that I needed to function in this life I would have gotten it because I had I have stacks of them and I couldn't figure out how to make my wife happy that was all I wanted was to make her happy I could we quit fighting if you think acrimony is bad in your marriage wait till you get to apathy apathy is the absolute worst it's not even a feeling it's just this we couldn't even deal with each other in the hallway we would like to sneak by each other and we're sleeping in the same bed and I'm reading and and on my back is - or she's watching TV or a nice she would read I'd watch TV I mean this is our life together and somehow we're getting through day to day but I don't know how and we're in a parking lot at Toys R Us and she says you want a divorce that's what she said to me you want a divorce we're buying toys for Christmas and that's how she said it is if you want to take out the trash we've gotten to a point in our marriage where there's no emotion there's no life there's no nothing which sold dead people and she looks at me and says you want a divorce this is the most life-altering decision a man and woman will ever make you know the culture wants to tell us that it doesn't mean anything just go to get your divorce it's quick its painless and move on with your life it doesn't work that way it is the most painful when the Bible says your one flesh it is literally that's what it feels like and that's what we went through we basically went through the pain of ripping our flesh apart and this is what she asked me you went in all I could think to say was the f that's what you want I turn the car back down that was how we decided to get a divorce I mean I look back on that time and I just go wow who were those people we now we look at that we go who were those people but God has to move you to a place a place where you can pay attention it has to all go away you have to give it all up before he can work the restoring process so I went home and it says in the Bible with Satan intends for evil God will use for good my biggest character flaw is procrastination and Tammy had put it on me to fill out the divorce papers and it wasn't like you know we had anything to salvage I figured you know I'll fill him out but I got thank-you cards from 1988 I haven't mailed you know so so I just went home and I said yeah okay we'll get around to it and I had moved into the guest room you know and this is how we were living I'd go on the road do my comedy and I'd come in and moved into the guest room and we you know went to raising these kids and and we're existing and as God would have it he moves this woman into my wife's like my wife shows dogs for a living and she's at a dog show and his battered woman shows up she's just beat and Tammy says you can't go back to that man and she says I got nowhere else to go and Tammy says well we have a guest room so she gives the woman my room and I got to move back into the bedroom and now we have a chance this is an opportunity now we have given up we have let go of everything and now we're gonna talk and believe me it was difficult there was a point after a couple nights I looked at her she even look at me I was talking to her back for two day I mean I'd say something and she I finally walked over across the room and put my hands on her shoulders and she flinches and she just she's not I can't I said will you look at me just I can't how do you get to a place in your life with someone that you love I know I love this woman I know I do I had therapists tell me I love her for God's sakes I love this woman and we're at a point we can't even look at each other she says I can't I just Jeff I just fill out those papers I just want to get this I'm like get it over with and that was what I just okay I went out in the kitchen and you know filling them out there's nothing to give away we lost it all in a bankruptcy I mean we we lost it all everything we're on our way to divorce court to file the papers a few days later whatever we're filing the papers were 10 minutes from filing the papers in Maricopa County to end this part of our lives in that little voice that little quiet voice that God puts in us and sometimes you got to shut the TV's off and the stereos off and all these other things off to hear it but it said something to my wife I don't what it said well I know what she said pull the car over and I said for what she says I got to rethink this this is a two year process man two years a letting go of this woman and I'm telling you it was it was I wouldn't wish this on anybody I don't know if any man in this room knows what it's like to wake up in the morning was so so much anxiety as soon as your eyes pop open it's just like the world caves in on you and you walk around and you just want to know where it's coming from I said it would've been so much easier if I woke up in the morning and some man just started beating me with a stick at least I knew where the pain was coming from and people would go why you so miserable because he keeps hitting me my wife would ask me why are you so miserable I go I don't know I don't know I don't want to be no she goes why can't you enjoy your job I go I don't know what's the point what is the point don't you care there's a point there's a purpose to this my wife would go no I just want my family ten minutes from divorce court she says pull over I can't I want to rethink it and I said babe if you're in this your infertile I can't I can't be playing this anymore I can't let's just cut it and go she says no Jeff I don't know why I don't know why we know why now we didn't know then why but anyway we go home eight months goes by it's not getting much better it's getting a little better it's not much she comes to me and she says I'm going to Ohio with the kids and he said we can't afford to go to Ohio she says you're not invited and I said well how you gonna get there she's my father's gonna pay for the trip we're taking the boys and we're going for the summer and she says well I'm going you're gonna get your life together I'm coming up on my 40th birthday and I'm telling you I'm just I have no clue I have no idea I went to Domino's Pizza to get a job to deliver pizzas and they wouldn't hire me going to talk about humble if 40 year old man with a mortgage and kids and wife and then you figure I'm lowering myself to get this job and the kid looks at my application says comedian that's it that's the only job you've had and I said yeah he's what do want me to do with this I said you know we're not splitting atoms we're delivering pizzas for God's sake apparently my interviewing skills had suffered over the years but it was like my god don't make me beg for a job delivering pizzas I go home and tell my wife I'm unemployable I can't take it anymore you know anyway she packs the kids up and before she leaves she grabs these tapes that I've been collecting and she puts them in a pile and she says you either listen to these things or I'm throwing them out and again I had no reason to say keep them I hadn't listened I didn't thought about him in a year and a half two years I don't know I just been collecting I've been throwing him under different eyes and that little voice a little quiet voices yeah I'm leaving there believe him in the final four I'll get to him I don't care you know a few days goes by I'm walking by the tapes and I see little voices open one up and I said okay I start to walk another voice is late for what there's nothing in there for nothing and then that starts that whole dialogue of what's in there I want to get it I want to get when I read about demonic realms and angelic realms and in the Bible I went right back to this moment of my life because it was a struggle to get in there because something knew what was in them things and I rip one open I finally got over that after five minutes 40 years old and I'm an argument with myself in the front I used to say that's why I got drunk in the morning it was crowd control you know but it's just maybe I am nuts I don't know but I'm trying to get into the student I rip one open I throw them on the floor and I and I and I go there you know there's a couple tapes I do now pick one up Cleese yes teas and I couldn't even pronounce it was Cleese eClass or whatever I said I don't like this I'm gonna get that Bible where's that buy all it's in a junk drawer it's where I left it so I pulled the Bible out of the junk drawer I put the tape into the machine and I start listening to this pastor from Denton Texas talk about what Solomon Solomon this this wise old man 78 years old wrote Ecclesiastes at the end of his life about life on Earth and it starts out with meaningless meaningless it's all meaningless that got my attention boom because that's the way I felt I couldn't find any thing worth meaning in this and this earth really nothing found career not my wife not my kids not my cars not my home nothing and he starts talking about it and basically Solomon's conclusions were that life without God will have no meaning and I didn't understand that and he began to explain about the creation in order to enjoy the creation you have to know the one that created it and if happiness were an act of will we'd all be happy because that's basically what we want out of life everybody wants to be happy you asked them so if it was an act of human will why aren't we happy were the most medicated species on the planet we really are and what it is what I found out what he said was something has to come outside of us inside of us change our hearts and then work its way out through through the act of service to others and I was blown away for the first time in my life I heard something that made sense and I believe it was because that day God chose to turn it on inside me that was the light switch BAM it went on and I was like wow this this is it this is what I was looking for I wanted purpose I wanted some reason to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and then I said without God I have no well how do I get God so I opened another tape put another tape another tape mother tape no because I'm a compulsive addictive personality I was just I mean I'm not kidding you man and I'm making notes in my Bible and I'm going like man this is the greatest stuff I've ever heard at one point I wanted to run on my lawn and hold the Bible up if you read this thing wow what a book man this is amazing and I don't know why I don't know why it was 40 years or whatever I mean it was a 13 year journey up to this point I'm not telling me this did not come overnight I didn't get the road to Damascus epiphany that Paul got I'm telling you man I sought this and I went on I delayed in fetal position late to go to the desert and scream up at God all right if you're up there show me you know and I mean it was today that day BAM and I'm listening to these tapes and then he gets to the Jesus that he knew the one he says he says he says he was it was at a prison and I'll never forget this line I love this line he was at a prison doing a sermon and he said to the prisoners in this prison he said I would not walk across this stage to tell you about my religion Christianity but I will crawl on my hands and knees through broken glass to Helen back to tell you about the love of my Savior Jesus Christ and I heard that as a man as a man I said that's what I want I want something I want something good I want to die I believe this that a man is not John I'm talking about of men I'm not a woman but I'm a man and I said a man is not fully alive till he has something in his life that he's willing to give his life up for and I'd like to think I'd give my life up for my wife and kids but I'll tell you something I'll give my life up now for my Savior and my right to profess this faith because [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Jeff Allen Comedy

Views: 113,129

Keywords: comedy, stand up comedy, bananas, hilarious comedy, family-friendly comedy, clean comedy, family comedy, testimony, faith, jesus, christ, deal with life, deal with your life

Id: 7Dn2N4dLZRQ

Length: 17min 8sec (1028 seconds)

Published: Wed May 13 2020