Ken Davis

if you're not familiar with Ken Davis Ken Davis has been a pioneer in the comedy world in the Christian market for years and years he was probably one of the first people out there ever doing it he's been on clubs he works all over the country he has numerous numerous DVD and video projects al will you please welcome to the stage the most funny Ken Davis Thank You Thor my name is Ken Davis and I can say that in one take I might say that again cuz the TV audience hasn't got a clue what happened before for Thor it's been a long day for him hi I'm somebody help me my name is Ken Davis I'm glad to be here I'm not right I think that's reason I'm here when I was born there's some wires that were put in the wrong place my idea of a great Saturday morning is to drive my motorcycle out to the highway near our home and just sit on the edge of the highway on my motorcycle with my wife's hair dryer pointed at cars as they go by I love the smell of burning rubber people slam on the brakes you know I just love there's a smell sometimes I chase those people which really confuses them because I Drive a little pink moped see the definition of confusion and indecision for a man is to be chased by what he thinks as a policeman driving the pink moped a man cannot handle this kind of thing where we can't handle we go up what should i why is he on a moped you think he's really a cop should I stop women have no problem with he's on a moped stupid step on it now I've never been right I'm an idiot base I'm just gonna level with you right up front I i am a certified idiot i backed out of my garage the other day forgot the little book did i keep my my stuff in it's a daytime i'll admit it i don't have the electric thing i had the electric thing but i cannot hang on to little pencil so i just have a book and I put all my appointments and they're forgotten I mean I am totally disorient I can't go anywhere I'm paralyzed I don't know I don't know what to do I don't know where to go I don't know who to call to find out where to go it's all in the book I thought well maybe it's in the backseat I thought I'd look in the backseat so i unbuckled my seatbelt and I bent over in the backseat I'm digging in the backseat looking for my ID a timer I left my car in gear that's what idiots do I got my head buried in the backseat my car is moving down the street five maybe ten miles an hour I'm not sure of the exact speed because I can't really see with that part of my body I was digging for my day timer I found my day Tamara's so excited and then out of the corner of my eye I saw stuff moving past the window now I'm a college graduate I drew a conclusion my cards moving I turned to step on the brakes I did not get there in time my car hit a light post less than a block from our house you ever had your airbag go off that's not funny there's nothing funny I don't know what you're laughing about this on TV they make it look like fun because they show it in slow motion have you seen the ads on TV comes out like some kind of slow-motion marshmallow just come to look at me when I'm talking to you it's not like that that's what you don't see it coming you don't hear it coming all you know is that your nose hurts worse than it's ever hurt in your life I couldn't open my eyes for ten minutes because my glasses were embedded in my head I finally got my eyes open still didn't know what happened cuz the airbag goes away it does it deflates you no sir the tears and stuff I'm going how come there's a hanky hanging from my spirit can I can I be honest a bad word fun in the back of my head see this is all about clean comedy so I see a lot of people go on you had a you had a bad word yep see Bob's going what word one your thinking will work just fine Bob that word started to make its way towards my lips I've never said to work you know not because I'm anything special just because I got I'm not right I forgot the word between here and here I just forgot water I forgot what the word was I started laughing cuz the word airbag you realize the word airbag didn't exit Bob went Bob who's Bob here I heard him Bob okay now you're not all Bob what's going on I'm gonna talk to you because you look like the least ability to respond ah Bob what's your air bag when you were a kid no air bag there was no air bag didn't even cars in Washington through the 50 cent across the river I caught it there was no air bags you'd have found the word air in the dictionary or two word bag but there's no arab-arab at air bag there was nothing like that fact Bob before you two driven a car home and said mom come out here it's me Bob mom look at my new car I got air bag in my car your mother would have said that's not nice Bob cuz there was no sex word when I was a kid there was no such thing as a seat belt there was no seat belt my mother was the safety device in our car how many of you remember that it's all across the audience I see people doing it you know my mom she'd even let me stand on the front seat if there was an accident she'd saved me remember mm-hmm [Applause] I remember this cuz it hurt I remember going out my mother always said the same thing I kept you from going to the Winship I used to beg her can I go through the windshield Mac give me a break very few children were ever killed going through the windshield during that time thousands were injured but our mothers are that's why I love riding with Grandma his grandma had that thing under her [Laughter] that forerunner to the airbag thing you get in the National with Grandma you didn't get hurt [Applause] well you smell like moxie mo for a couple of days I'm not right but I have a good time people always say to me while you yeah you have a good timing you ought to have a good time you travel all over the world like travel is the definition of a good time I'm gonna take something there is nothing fun there is no joy there's nothing fun about travel zero absolutely zero no fun at all everything is different when I first started traveling it was kind of exotic kind of fun but everything's changed check in to the hotel everything's different no keys I haven't seen a key in five years never never key anymore you give you a credit card I said what is this this is a key I got from my hotel ma so what is this and they're not kind to you dad if I'm not done yet wait till that is that is your key that is for that is your you've been to the same hotel that it that is your key I said there's no room number on here and she's good I know that I knew that when I gave it to you that there yourself there is a mm-hmm reason there is how reason for their no number on the key your room number not on the key that we did that on for purpose say well why would you do that you know on for purpose what that is so that your room will be a safe and secure your room be safe well my room was safe and secure I never found it you know how embarrassing it is at midnight going from room to room with that little pink I stuck it in one door a big hairy guy answered the door the in boxer shorts he goes what are you and I would like to ever keep you know what bothers me about this somebody else has a key now here's how I know that I stayed in a nice hotel last night left in my room just messed up I came back this afternoon it's clean someone has a key I called my mother she was still at home why didn't my mother some what now what if they should come back while I'm sleeping tonight they could kill me they could steal everything I have but I'm not afraid here I'm in a beautiful hotel just a few blocks from here I went I'm not afraid I went into the bathroom and there was a strip of paper around the toilet Lydia said for your protection I'm sleeping with that tonight somebody break into my room I'll be going get away have you ever had a paper cut nothing fun about travel lived in Denver Colorado for 30 years we had the newest most modern airport in the entire civilized world they don't lose your luggage in Denver Colorado they destroy it right in front of here walk into the airport got baggage hanging from every bone in your body doesn't matter doesn't matter what airport you're looking at this is what you hear the the most expensive airport in the world this is what you hear is you hunt for your game ball machine turning shopkins and gonna run [ __ ] never hit me come on fish their loss is impeccable boarding now [Applause] I grabbed the gun I'm shaking him back and forth in a Christian way my Baptist friends don't get that no fun I'm in Portland Oregon headed for Orlando Florida had to get up at 4 o'clock to catch a 5 o'clock flight and that was before September 11 now if you got a 5 o'clock flight I'm telling you you got to get up on Tuesday to catch I gotta talk about this I just got to tell you I really believe we have to be more careful but I think common sense has to figure into it somewhere somewhere I waited the other day still 2 hours to catch a 45-minute flight do the math I could I walk to where I was going yeah I got through the line just fine and there was a young man standing on the other side of that little door you go through and he's got a little sword and he's got a patch on that shoulder and a chip on that one he said put your foot there there little place to put your feet in case you don't know where it's supposed to land I put my feet there and he went over my whole body seeing what bugs me is while he's messing with me a million miles traveller there's some bearded scraggly nasty looking dude dragging an axe through the thing you mate they don't even see him I've been randomly selected he put my he put my luggage on a table he's going through my luggage I've been gone 30 days I got bad luggage do you understand what I'm saying he's taking my underwear from 30 days out and laying it on the table I tapped him on the shoulder I said hey you want to see a security risk there's a security inspector he dove into my my stuff that comes up with a pair of fingernail clippers I never saw guys so excited in my life what are they I said well in Nashville we call em fingernails lift he said what are you planning to do I said I thought maybe after the airplane took off I could work my way through the fuselage that's wrong answer by the way he got mad man he's come over here sit on this sit on this stool stool just like this roll up your pant legs I rolled up my pant leg he said roll down here socks I rolled on myself bare skin in my leg I'm telling you on the bare skin on my leg and I started laughing I laugh so hard stuff was shooting up my nose he said what's you laughing about I said I can't tell you I decided if I ever come back to that Airport I'm coming naked I'll get dressed on the other side of the little door and I guarantee you I won't have to wait in any line first person first person I'd tap on the shoulder be going no you go ahead so I'm in Portland Oregon I remembered now I'm headed for lambda Florida so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open picked up a copy of you today on the way to the airport that's gonna it's now kids you hear that that's the Santa sound you just heard ripples through the audience as the sound of five hundred men going who so it is in the simultaneous sounded the same number women going USA TODAY's and the applause is from the people who just got it now couldn't read it I couldn't read it you ever be so tired that you can't read it so I sat on you know if you have it in your hand and you drop it they're gonna run over it with the car so I sat on buckle my seat though man sitting next to me watch the whole thing turns to me go scares me you reading that now I believe you gotta give people a chance hey you can't let them fall into stupid hit all by themselves so I turned him and I said I'm sorry I'm not sure that I understood what you just said if you could repeat it for me just one time and he got mad he said I said are you reading that newspaper figure I gave him his chance unbuckled my seat belt stood up and turn around turn one page on I said yep I'm reading it doing the crossword [Laughter] leave me alone I'm not right are you starting to catch on today my whole life is like this stuff just happens to me all the time I had something happen this year I took from Thanksgiving until the middle of January off for the first time in my life I've been away from my family so much I decided I'm gonna take that time off now when you take that time off here's what you do you don't wear real clothes anymore you wear like gym suits and stuff that doesn't have actual solid closures stuff with elastic in it and from Thanksgiving to the about the 4th of January 5th of January I gained I think about 18 19 pounds but I don't know I've gained it so I go on a cruise I'm working a cruise and my wife packed all the clothes that I usually perform or this is a nightmare I'm telling you're on a boat where you came out buy anything new and 15 minutes before my program I am laying in the room with a button in this hand and a buttonhole in this hand I only asked for one miracle please let this man meet this man I'm flopping around like a trout out of water I finally got it buckle yeah it finally went shot but their pain was incredible and then I stood up in front of that entire boat going please don't let there be a costume failure tonight I guarantee if that button it'll let go to killed somebody in the second row you know I gained that I just ain't so stupid I had a friend send us some salmon a smoked salmon that big now to me there is nothing better than smoked salmon that is the best food on the face of the earth and this thing was packed in its own oil oh there are words to delight a heart smoked salmon packed in its own oil so I got a box of saltine crackers and some capers and some cream cheese and I sat down and before I stood up from that very moment that time I had eaten the entire salmon a my only only one that has ever done something stupid like this I wanted to go into the living room but I could not I couldn't even move I just sat there with this strange urge to swim upstream and lay eggs I've been getting rid of that but I know it's not enough I see there's boys back here there's some young boys back I've seen you looking at me I have seen you looking at me going how come you're wearing that blouse II like woman like shirt to hide that that's what I'm wearing a black woman like sir [Applause] pretty amazing England do you know what I did the other day you talk about someone who's not right I went okay that's enough I showed it once you don't need to laugh anymore I can have you kicked right out of here I had a little girl at the back one time go how did you do that with your belly how did you do that my wife was there she said he relaxes honey paid to have my the fat content of my body analyzed how stupid is that Oh stupid it isn't enough that I'm fat I'm paying people to tell me exactly how bad I am anybody here ever had it done just raise your hand Oh a bunch of chickens in here they weighed me underwater see here's the theory that floats and bone and muscle sink that's the theory so if they weigh you out of water and then weigh you underwater you get to pay them $75 to subtract those two numbers and then they tell you how fat you are so I went into this therapy pool I got a big crane hanging on the deep end of the pool it was unbelievable and they got a swing hanging from the crane that's the scale and they bring it over to the side they got a way to bring it over and they weigh you on dry land I could see my $75 hang up out of the guy's pocket and he weighed me and then they swung it out over the deep end of the pool and this guy goes okay no he said now now let all the air out of your body see I've been married for thirty years that's a request that had never been made to me before he said you gotta breathe out now here's why if you breathe in that flows and it will register as fact so you got to breathe out but God never intended us to breathe out before we go underwater son if you go to jump in water what will you do instinctively as you jump in breathe in do you know why so you can live you need the oxygen this guy's gonna breathe out they've dumped me under water now they can't get accurate weighing until the scale stops bouncing you know how long that takes I saw Jesus at the end of a tunnel grandma was there they yanked me out of the water and the doctor said you up your fat I said I want a second opinion he said you're ugly too I'll give you a little something tonight you want to know the fat content to your body I'm going to tell you the secret and you don't have to pay a penny in fact this is worth every penny you might have paid to get in here you will you will it'll pay for your meal and everything you want to know the fat content to your body next time you take a shower before you before you get dressed you stand in front of a full-length mirror with a stopwatch and you do this and start the water [Music] [Applause] when stuff stops Mugen I stopped to watch I'm down to two days five hours six minutes [Applause] I having fun a lot of have fun people make fun of church people I'm going to tell you right now I'm not ashamed of this never have been all my life I have been a man of faith I've been a person who trusts God for everything in my life without that I don't know which I don't know which way I turn people get all turned off and I have that you know that's not good I guess people think that folks who claim to believe something can't have any fun um I'm telling something I believe I believe God created happiness enjoy I really do I mean we're the ones that mess it out we're the ones that mess it up you know we walk around looking like we ate something bad I'm wearing belieber guys you can be just like me no wonder kids like Landon doing well I can hardly wait we need to laugh it up ourselves on the way to church we become the most humorless people on the face of the earth how many of you on the way to church have ever found yourself with your hands around the throat of a child you love very much you see your hands come on are there others back there yeah and you're saying something like this you get ready for church you get ready now so we can get there on time yeah look at Landon look at him go yeah that's my parents man [Laughter] give me a break landing on a way to church children become demon-possessed I had two of the most beautiful girls you've ever met in your life on the way to church they sit in the back and fight like they were warring countries over nothing over stupid stuff death is my side of the car and they're always messing with themselves deccan you are breathing on my side of the car take your molecules back am I wrong here you ever heard this she's looking at me Landon let me tell you something son let me tell you something we cannot deal with that you go to school all right in school you learn about reason and logic there's nothing logical and she's looking at if my daughter says all right shoot Pet me with a crowbar then I can turn around I can turn around and go give me the crowbar give me the crowbar she's looking at me some of you may not know this I've written two books one of them became a best-seller it was entitled how to live with your parents without losing your mind I got letters from all over the world saying from parents saying write one for us so I wrote one called how to live with your kids when your mind is already gone so we're on the way to the church and she's looking at me I thought you know what I'm an expert on this I will shame them into good behavior I said why don't you just poke her eyes out then that's the wrong answer I look back there one kid has her hand over it and her eyeballs are rolling on and the other one's gone they're still looking at Nick tell me you've never grabbed the rear view mirror in that case and give them the Sunday morning look alone and you say something that makes no sense you want me to come back there you know what your kids are think yeah come on back come on come on dad you're doing 75 miles an hour let's see what happens to the car no you can't go back because you are doing 75 and the reason you're doing 75 is because you're late for church so tell me you've never done this grab that rearview mirror and do this number I'll come back you stab come here I'll eat lean forward a half an inch you'll meet Jesus today [Applause] I had an old man come up to me one time and he I saw him coming all the way from the back and when he got to the front he said I'm gonna tell you something when you were talking of not swinging your arm at the kids he said God spoke to me about that long time ago and I thought here he is one of these humorless people he's gonna climb all over me so I just braced myself I said what God tell you miss old man got this little glint in his eye and he said God showed me huh then a touch on the brakes bring him right into play [Applause] I just spit all over we might need another order of chips I hear that boy I have a hard time I really do have a hard time with people that haven't got a sense of humor someone defined humor this way that humor is a gentle way to acknowledge human frailty and most of the time when you see someone who can't laugh most of the time it's because they take themselves too seriously they're unwilling to admit that they're idiots kids you see these parents in here it's really bad smile dude you caused it your dad used to be he used to have common sense he used to have reason but he's heard too many times he's looking at me the day you were born he leaned over the crib said lamb didn't make me proud you know what you did now he's got nothing left now he says stuff like hey hey cut your legs off in that lawnmower come women to me [Applause] relationships are are what's so important you know I had I had absolutely nothing in in my life in my early life that made me have any sense of self-worth sports was a big thing I can't I can't do sports friends I have the hand-eye coordination of a car do they have Karpin here Ohio you know the carpus it's for those of you who might not know it's a fish with lips not not fish lips that's okay fish lips that is their human nasty algae sucking lips is terrible nasty if you fall into a pool of carp you will be hickey to death somebody's boys going what's wrong with that it is bad you do not want to die my my brother-in-law used to try and help he was about my age and we know each other when we were young he said come on he said let's play hockey I said I don't know how no he said it's easy he said skate around and hit this thing I said I can't skate and to this day I can't I can't skate that I can't skate oh you said that's okay come on Kim just down in front of this net I hate hockey do you know why they call that thing a puck because that's the sound it makes when it hits you right here your that's what a chip that's what it sounds like say let's name it a puck because that's what it your lip swells up to about the size of a watermelon and your friends go what happened to your lip and I didn't [ __ ] him lived in Denver we won two of those Stanley Cup things we had probably one of the finest goalies ever to exist on the face of the earth Patrick wha do you know how you spell his last name are all why say that to me what is this Roy you ever wonder why he calls it Y by a pop very badly wall we didn't use that man couldn't play hockey went out to the west coast had some friends on the west coast met a guy that had muscles in places I haven't even got places you ever met those people didn't have shoulders get a head but no shoulders he he had big things here worse and when he would go like this cobra things would come out from under his arm and he didn't have anything to back he'd he just knows rear end they didn't have any rear end he just walked around and he posed everywhere he's walking posed like that sickening kind of guy he goes let's go surfing I said I don't know how oh he said it's easy he said tie this board dear foot that's true you tie the board to your foot that so if you fall you don't have to swim to shore to get your board it just stays right there with you and beats you sense it he said tie this like board to your foot and then like he said like swim out and wait for the big one now I didn't know what the big one one but this was back when the movie Jaws was popular I got about halfway out there and I thought if that's the big one I don't want to do it he said when the big one comes in he said then ride the big one to the shore well I was already on my way back because I was hearing that jaws music in my head and I felt a surge of water pulling me out I looked behind me behind me was a building of water that was the big one I did not ride the big one the big one wrote me I'm thirty feet under the water praying to God for little things like I popped to the surface there's a 30 pound surfboard attached to my body with a rubber band so I moved to Minnesota I got the Minnesota land of 10,000 lakes I wasn't there a week you guys - come on let's go waterskiing I said I don't know how he said it's easy he said stand here on shore hold this stick and you'll hit it I hate that game why couldn't he tell me about letting slack out of the rope first the Rope was coiled up I said hit it when that boat hit the end of the rope I was still standing on shore watching my arms flop around the lake why didn't you tell me when you fall let go - stupid stick he trolled half the lake with me even fish are going whoa Wally look at that and I lost my trunks under there now I'm praying for two things air and clothing of any kind I popped to the surface you see you don't believe this stuff I'm telling you this is true Nam I'm stretching it a little bit but not a whole lot I remember this I popped to the surface there's the bolt one of my friends coming to pick me up I don't want to be picked up I'm naked Fisher in little groups now going oh that's gross hit a mine so I moved to Denver Colorado was there three days I was there three days and the guy goes let's go ski I said I don't know how he said it I said eat rocks [Applause] nothing worth having is easy how long do you say you've been married somebody at the beginning of the show who should we tell them weren't married to this one who's married 38 years it's been worth it hasn't it oh she's over there going course it's been worth it has there always been easy no it has not been easy nothing nothing worth having is easy I had a guy say to me the other day in a radio interview that he'd been married for 40 years and he and his wife had never had a crossword and I just couldn't hold back I said are you married to a carrot marriage isn't easy but it's worth it trusting God isn't easy but it's worth it you're doing the right thing when the wrong thing is standing right in front of it isn't easy but it's worth it skiing is amazing not worse [Applause] they talked me into skin absolutely unbelievable I I don't know if you know it or not but there's levels of skiing did you know yeah I got on the day I started skiing I they had 3 levels they had the beginners hill and the beginners hill you don't you need sticks because you can't move it's so sad you know go skiing on a beginners hill without sticks because eight hours later your friends come pick you up from just where they left you have a good time yeah where you go well pretty much right here but they give you sticks and you can push yourself right you actually think you've accomplished something those hills have names like bunnies hop Tinker Bell's Alley snowflakes stupid stuff then they got the intermediate Hill you you you can go pretty fast without sticks and you can get hurt that's the intermediate then there then they have what they call a black diamond and that black diamond basically means you're going to pass away you're gonna die you need to have your friends and make arrangements when you go on a black and they have names like Devils over by boneyard one of them was named boneyard that bothered me so bad so I get caught on this hill first of all here's what was most humiliating of all I had an instructor and if you've got poor self-image like I had when I was young it doesn't help to have someone who puts you down sylvilla's instructor and he comes up to me was because I took lessons they told me that's what to do he comes up and goes hello he said I my name is he said my name is Jacques been well my name is Jacques been what I am a throne friends he said I learned to ski in the Arabs and I'm already gagging em boys Alps don't even sound like mountain man and Mount Kilimanjaro that's a mountain Mount McKinley that's a mountain sound they don't even sound French what it is is from the Second World War when all those people were hiding in the hills calling out to us sweetness my name is Jacques Benoit he said that today I am going to show you and he did that with his lips I'm gonna be honest I just wanted to just reach up and in a Christian way he said I'm going to teach you today how you say how you say oh I will teach you how to in your language how to fall down today we will learn how to fall down yes well so I raised my hand cuz I'm not right I said excuse me I shocked been won from me oh I gave you 25 dollars today I would really appreciate it if you would teach me how you say how do you say to stand up standing up would be good for me I quit the lesson I got so tired of the lesson I got in line I fell in line he's familiar with the domino theory 112 people who lay him on the ground I didn't want him to blame me so I just lay there underground going whoo foul learn to scare move to the out chairlift kept hitting me in the back of the head I thought you were supposed to sit on the ground and pick you off the ground three chairs hit me right there blood coming down him him I'm going boy did a lot of fun finally the chair hit me right here and I'm going up the hill and I'm scared of heights yeah there's nothing there is nothing right here is a tea bar or a bar that goes up to a cable and then there's nothing hundreds of feet down to the ground and there's a man sitting next to me I don't know where he came from so I wrapped my entire body around the pole and I turned to the men and they said God loves you very much and he has a wonderful plan for your life but this is my pole you touch his pole I will send you to meet Jesus today never skied the ever skied I got off the hill the steepest and slipperiest hill on the whole mountain is right where you get off it's only about that long but they ice it down cuz they need entertainment I fell I fell right there when you fall there do they stop the lift no no no other people got off pretty soon there's a little pile of 30 people laying on top of me and I'm going to lose [Applause] four hours later I'm only 50 feet down the hill cuz I want a black diamond hill I didn't know what to do I remember my ski instructor said if you ever come to a hill which is too difficult for someone like you he said then you must Traverse do you know do you know what Traverse it's another French word it means go across the hill here come the trees that's what Traverse means but they don't say it like that they said French wait right there theater come to a hill you Traverse across the hill then he said going to a snowplow turn and then you traverse the other way then you're going to another snow platter traverse the other way listen this way you make your work completely down the hill you go across it traverses snow blood-red lesson not that thang that there's no unless hill halfway through my birthday snow platter I was doing 280 miles I made a simple decision no more snow plower I invented my own turn I'll sit down I'll show you how it's done I will teach you today what what is your name Melissa Melissa beautiful where the beautiful Melissa I teach you how to do snow platter okay first you pick up the downhill ski okay then look at me attend you men know there helps keep completely around stay with me cause I'm losing my balance okay now you stay like this pretty long time because you can't move good skiers come up to you what are you doing this sit down turn around 25 bucks of teach you four hours later I'm only 50 feet down the hill I wouldn't have made it that far except I'm wearing and slippery clothes I want to die I think I'm gonna die on Hill because I cannot go sweat coming from everywhere on my body I heard a noise look up the hill here comes a child I'm telling you this kid couldn't have been more than in the third grade maybe and he's coming down the hill imperfect you're seeing his hair is women when he's yelling go for it god I stuck him with my poor both were that shish kebab [Applause] so I'm not very good at athletics God didn't give me an athletic body gave me a twisted mind I'm using it gonna use it till the day I die every once in a while I get a little glimpse of of the kind of love that changes lives and I'm I tell you I've already told you without shame I really believe that God's love is what has made the total difference in my life and in in what happens in the world I think his love for us and the way he demonstrated it is one of the most powerful message is the most powerful message I'm gonna face of the earth look a little peek at it once in a while I got a peek at that kind of love when I had children I didn't want children it isn't that I hated children it's just that we met one I got a little glimpse of what God's love is like all through our lives he gives us little glimpses like that to remind us of the greatest aspect of love of all and God creator of the universe we can do anything he wants who is the source of even the smallest amount of joy we can experience anywhere that God gave his son force that has transformed my life I made a decision a long time ago that I wanted to devote my life not to being famous not to trying to create as much wealth as I can possibly create and God has been good and allowing me to have a fairly good voice across the country and make an excellent living but I really wanted to use this weirdness that he created me with to give people something that'll last and that's the only thing that really lasts those grandchildren by the way I want to close with this they mess you up real bad my money I guess the best example I can give of a grandfather is this one hundred two hundred three hundred twenty-five hundred a thousand it's all yours and just and you don't care I mean they mess with you they think they they got me wrapped around the youngest one especially I'm five grandpa I thought it too could i and they show the way they taught ya could I complete afford till could I you know what I'm going hey you need to be a ski instructor could I would you I would like to have four if I could have four a cookie to have our candy candy i elector can be you know and I'm trying to be a good grandpa no you can't have candy I'm your grandpa and I know that when the sugar from the candy hits your bloodstream you go around the room like a balloon with the air going out of anything you can't have yet know how many of you are there any people with grandchildren here do they give up no they don't give up they come at you from another angle grandpa no I cannot give you candy look at me look at me um you see if grandpa gives baby candy then mama won't kill grandpa did he give up now no okay there you go it's a Baby Ruth it's good for you says baby right on it and Ruth was in the Bible did he give up no no now she starts manipulating me grandpa I love you I love candy get it I said no no I'm not gonna get you Candace you can't treat me that way the answer is no I'm telling she went down like she'd been shot okay jeez you're crazy already okay take the whole bowl of it give some to your mom you started thinking about this how come we stopped doing that works a lot of places it works the other day my wife Diane we've been married 37 years celebrated yeah I was with a group of preachers the other night I said I have been married 37 years they stood in a standing ovation isn't it interesting when they got done applaud and I said to seven different women you have not experienced life until you watch couple thousand preachers try to erase her loss she said let's go shopping okay I'm gonna get politically incorrect here again you were not created visual I'm sorry it's wrong men and women are different you were not created to shop now some of you I can see the look on your face you don't get creating stereotypes some men like to shop yeah wimpy ones okay see I can tell us any quite right in here this is not redneck country here okay so let me clarify it isn't shopping it's the philosophy of shopping that's different you give a man a credit card to Home Depot you'll never see him again I'm serious it isn't that we like to shop sometimes too but it's the philosophy this is my philosophy it may match some of you men Bob may match yours this is my philosophy of shopping find it buy it it's a simple form my wife my wife Diane this is her philosophy of shopping find it and then compare it to everything in the universe that looks anything like it slash then compare the prices of all the things you've found to see what the price advantage is slash then drive 287 months to take advantage of a 32 cents a slash then decide we don't need that I said I'm not going sorry I'm not going she said okay you stay here I'll go and I'm telling you God spoke to me I heard he said Ken just like that Ken it's a bad example of a husband you need to shop what is your name Randy I love that say that again Randy Randy I got this hi little squeaky voice I'm Randy Randy I'm a little bit of a rebellious person have you kind of picked up on that so when God said to me you need the shop I should have said whatever you want but I didn't I said you don't shop and he didn't get mad right he just said I'm not married saw so much shopping we went to the Mall of America Minneapolis Minnesota Satan built the Mall of America you don't trust God you will spend eternity in the Mall of America [Applause] proof that men aren't supposed to shop is in the Mall of America miles and miles of benches there are no women than those beds hundreds and thousands of men sitting in the hall I saw one guy he's bent over like this there's cobwebs hanging from his face a cigarette that went out before they outlawed it is in his fingers he had to be 90 you know what's sad lemon he wasn't 90 when he went into the mall he was 37 when he went into the mall and somewhere in the mall his wife is shopping and ladies please listen because we really don't mind this is the part we cannot deal with standing at the dress rack [Applause] meanwhile there's a guy in the hallway decomposing I said you go shop I'm gonna stay here next to skeleton i sat down next to a skeleton and God spoke to me I heard him can said Gavin this is not what I had in mind shop shop okay but if you haven't caught on them kind of rebellious so I didn't really shop I just made demotions I kept my head down walk into stores walk back out again I'm doing it technically this is shopping I walk in there Lennon let me tell you something as a result of that never go into any store it has the word secret anywhere in the title I looked up just a second wow I didn't mean it walk into a store I think it was a Warner Brothers store and they're hanging on the wall was most beautiful jacket I'd ever seen I've never seen anything like it to this day I just loved it it had a picture Porky Pig in a Bugs Bunny and all all my buddies they had a rainbow on the back just gorgeous rainbow red leather and black leather and suede on the front and the word Loony on the neck sorry this is for me Looney that's it and suddenly I was overcome I realized the miracle had happened this is shopping this is what shopping feels like and I ran from the star going from store to store trying to find my wife listening for I finally found her and I said this is true by his way true sir I said come with me I learned a shop it's a miracle come with me we ran to the store and I said there's the jacket I said look at him jacket oh oh I want the jacket she went to the jacket and she began to search the jacket Landon do you know what she is looking for now because you're not married she's looking for the price you and I don't care about the price neck find it find it buy it there's no price tag involved and she hunted every inch of that jacket found the price tag and turned to me like I was two years old no no no no she said are you out of your mind those were the words she used there's 75 people and she's got her fingers I got you out of your mouth we could buy a house for what that Jack I was mortified everybody's looking at us and then I remembered my granddaughter [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] this is absolutely true she'll swear by it I'll tell you it's true I looked at the jacket I looked at her and I thought I'm gonna do what my so I said honey I would like to have Jack she didn't know what was going on so she goes what's wrong with you so I moved to the next phase now the people in the store literally started just making their way toward the door she said stop this you're embarrassing me and she still doesn't get it so I went to Jackie and her eyeballs got that big around she went don't do this do not do this she said I'm leaving the store she stomped out of the store and my stumps right behind her I got you we got to the intersection of the two biggest halls in the mall of America and she turned on me like a she-bear man stop this now [Applause] I have the jacket Landon don't try this at home I'm a profession a wonderful thing happened as a result of that evening we drove home she didn't say nothing that ain't a wonderful thing what is wrong with you he laughed and got an elbow right there that's only part of the story he drove home and she didn't say nothing all the way home we got home she was driving and we pulled into her garage she turned a car off when she she turned toward me real slow like you see in the scary movie and she said never taken you shot [Applause]

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 327,568

Rating: 4.7124557 out of 5

Keywords: Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Comedy, Hilarious, Humor, Hysterical, Comic, Laugh, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes, Crazy, LOL, ROTFLOL, Silly, Ken, Davis, Mirror, Weight, Scale, Body Fat

Id: T3VrrnMfl-Y

Length: 71min 59sec (4319 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 24 2019