Jeff Allen - Silly Arguments Between Couples

and then you get into silly arguments when you're married silly we were we were three months before we had our really first big blowout fight this was our first big it was over a roaster chicken tiny little greasy little bird about that big i'd gone to take a nap i didn't know any better i really didn't i learned early on naps were a huge mistake in my home god forbid i'm rested really it's so much harder to manipulate a well-rested rational thinking human people are so much more compliant when their eyeballs are burning out of their skull you know i have no idea i don't know if it was her upbringing or not but people when she was awake you're awake i mean so now i don't i don't know if i was asleep five minutes or five hours i'm waking up to the sound of a vacuum cleaner in the bedroom i'm sleeping my wife is choosing to vacuum the bedroom apparently that wasn't waking me up fast enough she started to go under the bed we had a water bed there was no under the bed again i'm stirring but not quite awake she went after something on the pillow i have no idea but i could tell you what she got caught my hair in the attachment now i'm awake whoa to this day that was 28 years ago to this day her reaction still surprises me oh you're awake good the chicken's done you'll have to back up i think i missed something she said no you said if i cooked the chicken you'd carve it for me then i said the dumbest thing a married man can say to his wife i looked it right in the eye and said i never said that before if you're a newlywed in this room take my word for it if your wife said you said it you said it don't even go down that road i'm telling you their their ability to recall every last piece of verbage that ever entered exited out of your lips is amazing and there's no end to it it just goes on and on that's not what i said that's exactly what you said that's not what i said that's exactly what that's not what i said what i said was i'm going to take a nap if i'm awake when your chicken's done i'll carve it for you i didn't tell you to come in here and suck my brain out of my skull with the vacuum attachment drag me out of bed i didn't tell you to come wake me up i'll pause here while you all choose a team in this discussion i'll tell you how dumb i was i thought that was the end of that discussion i made my point i rolled over i turned my back on my wife oh she gets on the bed with both knees get up you said you cut the chicken get out there and cover the chicken every man here knows there comes a point in every one of these discussions you have to change tact obviously what you've been saying is not registering so you just come up with another way to say it i don't know how to carve a chicken i never carved a chicken my entire life why don't you carve it you could mutilate the bird just as easily as i could she says i don't know how to cover chicken either now you said you cut the chicken have to cut it you're not going back to it because you hear what i said i don't even know what this is about lord help me i just want to sleep with god all right all right i'll carve this stupid chicken now i'm walking to the kitchen to carve the bird i'm not even married three months i'm a mumbling idiot i don't even like chicken you want chicken if you're taking fried chicken for five seconds they'll carve it up for you what'd you say i didn't say nothing to you now i'm in the kitchen i'm in my underwear i've got stuff in my eyes i'm not in a good mood got a knife i got a fork got a greasy bird in comes my wife who not two minutes ago just told me she didn't know how to carve a chicken well apparently there was a chicken carving class somewhere between our bedroom and the kids oh my gosh every man here knows what happened next two small hands appeared out of nowhere you're doing it all wrong let me show you how to do it over here i stabbed the bird now i'm waving at her with my fork she grabs my wrist give me the bird oh no you're not getting this bird give me that but now we're standing in the kit wrestling over this stupid give me the no you give me that bird i'm not and at one point she goes go back to sleep oh i'll sleep like a baby till you run a jackhammer give me that bird and i yank on it and the bird flies up in the air it was like in a movie it was like a one and a half watching it he goes one one lands right on her head both of us look down on the ground and we look at each other grease is running down her face she says i can't believe you threw it at me i didn't throw it at you yes you did 28 years ago to this day we'll be at parties like at a fundraiser we don't know anybody and i can always tell when she's telling her version of that story because at one point six women in a circle all turn around and glare at me in her version i whipped it at her skull at 100 miles an hour a bone could have broke off and went through her temple and killed her on the spot and i would have never met my grandbabies

Channel: Tim Grable

Views: 2,138,304

Keywords: jeff allen, marriage, couples, arguments, comedy, comedian, comic, jeff, allen, funny, humor, clean comedy, entertainment, clean, family, family comedy, corporate comedy, jeff allen comedian, jeff allen 2015, jeff allen silly arguments, jeff alan, 2015 jeff allen, jeffallen, jeff allen arguing, jeff alln, jeff allen silly argument, jeff allen couple arguements, jefff allen, daren streblow, hilarious comedy, bananas comedy, thou shalt laugh, keith alberstadt, bananas

Id: lxegjE-Qk9o

Length: 5min 37sec (337 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 11 2015