Your College Degree Is Probably Useless. Dry Bar Comedy

the way they talk to you this is so sharp and just so angry i asked my oldest daughter i said what do you want to do with your life she goes i like birds [Laughter] did you even hear the question i asked you she goes yeah i like birds i want to be an ornithologist all right so she's not moving out you'll ask me all the time you're saving for college no i got a master's degree look what i do no it's true i actually got a bachelor's degree in history and then when i got out of school imagine that none of the big history factories were hiring so i went back into school for psychology got my master's degree but halfway through i got on stage for the first time fell in love with it and never looked back now i have no regrets but i'm sure my parents needed a little more convincing that's why i don't care how much you love your parents i love mine to death you're mad at something they did you growing up don't get revenge in a way that ruins your own life take some planning and have a laugh together i got a master's degree in clinical psychology that's what you got to do do what i did let them pay for seven years of college then on graduation day say i'm going to be a comedian that works the look on my mother's face was worth every test every essay i wrote like you mean like in vegas close utah that's where the money at mama that's where i'm going i don't know besides you can't give kids advice based on now the world changes too fast your advice becomes obsolete like the baby boomers they heard from their depression-era parents get in with a company at the bottom work your way to the top because that worked for them but when they grew up it was all about education they couldn't move ahead so they told my generation stay in school we heard it like a mantra stay in school stay in school now we've all got master's degrees and we're comedians so before i tell my kids anything i got to be a fortune teller i got to see who's going to be running things in 20 years you think i'm telling my daughter to stay in school i'm telling her chinese guys are hot and healthy i'm not the only one with this plan i'm glad to hear it that's good i stayed in school forever but i know i told my daughter you want to be a doctor lawyer engineer i'm happy to pay for it but if you want to get a philosophy degree just so you can know why they want fries with that you're doing that one on your own dime sweetie that's not i'm not doing that yeah i was a history major in college which i think is both cool and ironic because that's pretty much what my degree is history yeah i don't use it too much up here but i don't know i like i love it i still read a lot of history books i used to so much reading in history studies like i used to always get in that reading trance you know that reading trance where you think you're reading but then you realize you're not really reading you're just moving your eyes back and forth and thinking about what you're going to eat next wow how long have i not been reading this book right you got to flip a few pages back where did i start page 75 and looks like i stopped paying attention at 76 wow wow that was bad i don't know i'm trying to read more uh it's you always feel so accomplished when you finish a book don't you you know i mean do you ever try to like sort of kind of like casually work it into a conversation where it doesn't belong you know right you know you just just sort of want to drop it somewhere i mean like for example i recently finished a book about the transcontinental railroad yeah that's it i just wanted you all to know that i just finished a book about the transcontinental thank you thank you now i just recently went back to college finished my degree thank you thank you i went uh got my degree in philosophy applause isn't necessary this appropriate response well seriously i have a philosophy degree so now no i'm a stand-up comedian an actor and a philosopher so i have i have three ways of not making money very good it was interesting taking philosophy i don't know if anybody's ever taking a philosophy class but one of my first classes i get in there i'm sitting in there and a professor walks in he goes the very first thing you need to understand about philosophy is that there are no absolute truths in the universe i'm sitting there just like you guys are probably sitting here thinking wow the tests in this class are going to be easy i started thinking i was like hey he's like yes um yeah um well if okay okay if there are no absolute truths in the universe would not the statement that there are no absolute truths be an absolute truth thus negating the idea that there are no absolute truths why don't we just go ahead and play hangman we had one class where all we talked about was chairs and then and then we get into the this like friday you know we were on there and and the teachers like okay we're gonna have a quiz all right in this quiz you are to defend your own existence what i'm sitting there thinking you know maybe it's not too late to go get a real degree like history or english so i just i was like the heck with this i'm going so i just got up and i started leaving and the teacher's like excuse me yeah where are you going who are you talking to i'll take the a it gets so expensive these babies god they grow up with a gun and then they go to college it's like super expensive and you got to pick the right education i graduated with a bachelor of arts and drama that's like majoring in welfare it's by far the worst degree you could get i had a buddy of mine graduate with me today he works at a haunted house but i said i said well hey man hook me up with the job he goes whoa whoa it's not that easy they just hook you up you got to audition like what are they looking for can you say boo how bad was the guy that didn't get that job meow now [Laughter] i just feel buddy that's all we were looking for like they're only hiring broadway actors to play these ghosts is that how competitive it's getting some guy well i played king lear three years in a row ladies and gentlemen i might quiet the ghost you'll see oh here comes the people who would you like another right poor i continue long continue i find you quite frightened i was an english major when i was in college and it being an english major doesn't like make you a comedian but it does make you less hirable so your schedule really opens up for you to pursue your dreams you know i'm not distracted by salary or benefits unstoppable the farthest i got in a job interview process was with a pyramid scheme company 100 sure in the interview i realized like halfway through the interview they were just like michael if we hire you in 10 to 12 months you could be owning and running your own company does that scare you no but it should scare you i was an english major the only thing i know about capitalism is if i see a period the next letter should be bigger so when i was in college my parents relocated to chicago and i found them and that's where i lived in the beginning of my career and i liked it it was great my parents had an awesome washer and dryer top of the line technology here's how it worked i put my clothes in the washer and they came out and folded on my bed sometimes until my mom heard that joke i realize though like after college a lot of people they might feel bad living at home or they feel bad asking their parents for money i i did not the only time i felt bad asking my parents for money is if they're already asleep [Applause] wake up mom and dad i ordered pizza for you guys michael it's 11 30. okay i'll eat it i need 65 i have some other expenses i have two degrees in clarinet so yeah thank you yeah that's why i do comedy like clarinet never comes in handy for anything unless maybe you're driving and then you hit a deer and uh you don't have a crowbar in your trunk to put it out of its misery wow last time i hit a deer i had my clarinet with me and i only got through like two songs and he was out well yeah that's that's how good i am i'm excited i just finished college that's cool thank you thank you a few applause there uh everyone else is like you shouldn't have taken out the student debt you shouldn't have done it and i agree with you i work collecting student debt which is the opposite of being a comedian as a comedian i'm like yeah laugh forget about your problems my day job i'm like hey remember your problems i also try to be like a good christian person in my life and then my day job is collecting usury from the poor it's not i don't have any leeway to sin anymore you guys like i gotta toe the line my degree is in spanish that's what i got my degree in uh that's not the only classes they made me take though they made me take these ethics classes when i was in school couldn't take them seriously you guys couldn't get into them because ethics classes are always full of these hypothetical scenarios right that are meant to test your ethics but they're never based on anything that could happen in real life like the first day of class my professor was like john imagine that you were driving down the road with your brother and you have the only vial with the cure for cancer in it you get in a car crash and if you pull your brother out of the wreckage you'll break the vial and lose the cure for cancer but if you do nothing you'll save the vial but your brother will die what do you do and i said i would fire the guy who cured cancer and only made one vial full who's this guy who's smart enough to cure cancer but dumb enough to be like yep that's enough i can't see the world needing any more than this i'd also fire the guy who uh entrusted the only bile with the cure for cancer to an undergraduate spanish students and his aspiring rock guitarist brother want to know how that decision was made we need to deliver this cure to dr mendez unfortunately he only speaks spanish and the blues all of a sudden i'm saving the world with my 3.2 gpa i don't think this is going to work you guys i don't know i feel like i would have gotten into it if there were realistic ethical dilemmas right like something could actually happen to you like for example imagine that that you're in the park with your significant other right you're having a picnic and you have a bucket of fried chicken you say we can't finish this we'll just give it to the next person who walks by and the next person who walks by is a black guy [Music] if you give it to him it's gonna look super racist you guys but here's the thing if you don't it won't look racist but you just denied someone food just because they're black so that's a real ethical dilemma i didn't give him the chicken and i don't know if that's the right decision but i didn't do it goodness but now my kids are older so my kid my son just turned 23 just graduated from the university of delaware so yeah i know thank you it's a blue hen he's a blue hen and um now he's a waiter and he lives at home it's so great i'm so proud it's so great two hundred thousand dollars and he's a waiter at home how great is that hey yay biology yay hey hey made a hundred dollars today so happy so happy so proud so proud it's a challenge it's a challenge right you know and i don't even know if like colleges teach kids real life experiences these days i think they're missing gap a little bit you know so here's his student loans are coming in right and uh so we wanted to go to the bank to uh well with his student loans and they wanted to charge him five dollars to pay the bill online i'm like that's ridiculous let's go down to the bank and uh open a checking account what go down to the bank and we'll open a checking account how do you go in the bank you go in the bank where are the doors behind the atm no there's not yet there are there are doors and you go in the bank no you don't yes you do what's back there people what do they do they give you a checking account we walked through the doors it was like dorothy you had no idea no idea came home he had to write his first bill write his first bill 90 dollars n-i-n-d-y oh intelligent crowd intelligent crowds some some crowds don't get that some there's no d 200 90. there's no spell check for checks that's when i'm dealing with millennials but he figured it out we talked through it we talked through it we waited we did and uh so he came back and he had the check all written out and he was like i got it mom i got it could i get a stamp and an envelope and i was like yeah i'll give you a stamp but you use the envelope it came with he goes no i can't use that as a hole in it two hundred thousand dollars so proud i am wasting my college degree right before your eyes anybody want it you can have it take over payments anyway i was a business major yeah learned to buy low sell high from a textbook that cost me 60 bucks the back for three watch out world here i come on you guys got any colleges out here or anything else uh yeah byu i know man i went to the sister school byob [Laughter] yeah i wanted to i wanted to be a dentist but it was it was like really hard so i i couldn't go the regular route most people do like a biology degree so i had to outsmart them so i tried to get a business degree and the only thing i came up with in my business classes was a genius invention for dentists called tasty gloves now you can go to tastygloves.com and see what i'm talking about they're flavored dental gloves okay but not your lame flavors like strawberry or watermelon cool flavors like meatloaf and bacon [Music] and instead of being artificially flavored each tasty glove handles bacon before it is sent out and i wanna i wanna take that idea to uh shark tank [Music] but i'm not even going to prepare a sales pitch i'm just going to walk in boom kick open the door slam my briefcase on the table snap on a tasty glove and walk up to mark cuban and just put my finger in his mouth [Applause] how much do you want to give me for tastygloves.com let's start in the millions it's a terrific idea i love it because i have a degree in broadcast journalism from cal poly san luis obispo it's about what it sounded like when we scored a touchdown uh one unsure person go you can beat northwest southeast montana state who are we playing today i don't even know [Music] you guys got real sports here that's what i like yeah we would just clap when the amtrak train drove by you can get there oh but uh at byu idaho is crazy like they are really focused they call themselves a discipleship training center and it's a very apt name because it's a religious school so they're training you to be kind of like a disciple and what's great if you remember in the bible it talks about the disciples went out with no like clothing money or skills and so did i i relied on the kindness of strangers also known as my parents [Music] oh true story actually went to college for seven years in michigan that's where i'm from and uh yeah oh thank you you heard of it before are you from michigan really no did you come all the way for the special or what's uh what's happened it's like we're hurt the little guy's over there we gotta go see him i live in a really small town called chestering michigan not sure if you've ever heard of that before so small as one traffic light in the entire town very small very awkward everybody gets to know each other it's a weird town over the summer this year the car wash and chestnut burned to the ground how does a car wash burn to the ground whole thing is made out of water right it seems like that would have been the easiest fix in the world like anybody got a quarter we're heroes if i did i went to central michigan university i studied history that was my major kind of a cool subject you get to learn about all kinds of stuff that happened before and uh i i majored on the president's and uh there's a funny story about one of our presidents uh my favorite guy in the entire world william howard taft there was a story that apparently he was so tall and so large he got stuck in the white house bathtub ever hear that story like i don't feel bad for taft i feel bad for the secret service agent that i have to deal with all the situation can you imagine that it's like his first day on the job like all right go ahead what's that fat eagle is stuck in the tub what coat is that i'm new i don't even know oh he's actually stuck in the tub oh okay [Music] poor taft is in trouble he's just in the bathtub like this the whole time i'm stuck so i went to college in new york do we have any do we have any college students here tonight by round of applause you guys out there look at you guys will somebody yell right out what school you go to how about in the middle there yell right now byu i love that byu that's the big school around here i like how you didn't even give me the full words you're just like here's some letters once you figure it out [Music] byu won't you google it stranger no i understand you're probably like in a hurry so you can only just have time for just the first letters they keep them real busy over there at that place uh and what in the last question what are you studying over there at byu actuarial science yeah actuarial science which i would recommend just calling it as yeah just to save time [Music] just like you know that's what you're doing before um that's a great that's a great major of course with that you become you say i don't want to both say it at the same same exact time on actuary you actually become an actuary no you actually already do you actually reboot actually i'm so confused no that's again well that's like that's an awesome i still don't know what it is he's told me a lot of information i'm no closer to knowing what actuary it actually is well no it's something with math right is it math in there yeah there is good that's good you like math yes okay good cause that'd be weird if you were in math and every day you're like ah more numbers i hate math why did i do this whole thing uh a lot of people don't like math and i think i know um when it happens is when you're in school and all of a sudden is stopping applicable to regular life isn't that kind of like remember adding and subtracting nobody hated that because it's useful in regular life with regular everyday problems you know like say there's 13 of us right we have a 12 pack of beer [Music] you got to figure it out right 12 of you need to leave and thanks so much for talking to me i appreciate about the college and uh because i was going to show you guys all clapped when i said about colleges you could this is a smart crowd i could i'm not i'm not uh just saying that i could tell immediately you guys were going to be a good crowd and a smart there's that's not true every night for us okay every night is not like i was doing a show last week i was in um whatever city makes it funny for you and so i come on i go anybody here you know go to college you know make some noise where you guys had clapped that place dead silence seriously nobody clapped people were just looking at me like angry that i had brought it up so i was panicking i'm like i gotta change this question you know so some people can answer so i go that's okay you know anybody here ever know anybody that went to college [Music] nobody um anybody ever drive by a college anybody know how to spell college what if i let you work in groups has anyone ever made a collage thank you so much for laughing at that they did not laugh at it and whatever city you picked this one guy came up after the show and he was like hey comedy guy and i was like what's up man you know and he goes he goes what in the heck's the studio apartment and so i explained to him what it was he'd never heard of it you know and he goes do you realize for that much money that you spent you could get in this town like a 10 bedroom house on about 20 acres of land and i was like i know man but the only problem is out the front door you gotta live here some people got offended by that we didn't even name the place there's like oh those poor people of that fake town they're bad for those pretend people so uh like i said though i'm a i'm a college student right now i'm actually about to graduate in three months [Applause] thank you thank you college is a really exciting time because you know it feels like you can make your life into whatever you want it to be you can be a totally different person than you were in high school you know tyler johnson's not twisting your nipples anymore the door is wide open uh you know you can follow your dreams and and do what you're really passionate about which is why i chose to study accounting for five years i don't know do you ever look at your life and you're just like who did this [Applause] who thought this would be funny oh i did this that's right so i'm an accounting major uh the program i'm in is really competitive it's a tough program and being in a tough business school is like being on a sinking ship where they have to like throw stuff overboard so the ship stays afloat except instead of throwing over excess cargo it's all of your likes and interests we gotta get this off the ship what's in there uh feelings don't have time for those this year it's gonna have to do without why did we ever come aboard the uss business we were so enticed by the exotic destination of a business park in billings montana i don't know what one would do on the uss business if that were a real thing like what's the nightly entertainment you just get drunk and watch ted talks is that what happens we got ted in the house tonight i guess [Laughter] it's just the reaction i was going for i saw that you have an ikea i drove by your ikea uh that is a has anyone you've done the ikea oh you've all done the ikea yeah swedish me you're just there for the meatballs you're like i think they sell furniture too i don't know we just go there for lunch you know sample plate yeah patty got very ambitious with the ikea idea and uh it sat in our living room for about two or three weeks and then she pulls the directions out and and she goes uh you're the college boy jump right in i majored in english like all right so spelling error misuse of the umlaut swedish thing thank you they were they're using the semi colon like they just discovered it at one point they wrote assembly time semicolon one hour i think what they meant was assembly time wink one hour not even close took me an hour to find job i love college i want to go back to college i got my master's i really want my doctorate i just want to keep i love it but it's so expensive i have a new hero her name is amy creighton this woman is 89 years old and just graduated with her bachelor's degree 89. yeah they asked her what are you gonna do now amy and she said what you know what amy did she borrowed more money and she's going for a master's degree good for you amy you know what you may not have to pay back those student loans i do the same thing just rack them all up yeah i'll take the full amount government i decided to major in business because i like watching tv late at night and there reaches a certain point of night where every commercial is either for a singles line or a technical school they just assume that i'm lonely and uneducated which was true but i didn't like them assuming it about me i especially liked the ad for stephen tenneger college because in that ad they made it seem like all you needed to know about business was how to point at a chart and smile and as a person on my couch at 2am like i think i could do that actually my first job out of college this is true was at stephen senegar college i had to go to four years of real school to work at a fake one yeah that's right stephen senegar and my job was making charts i didn't get to point at the charts so tonight if you'll allow me i want to live out my dream and point at some charts [Applause] all right there's another comedian that points at charts his name's demetri martin what was that is that i think they were hypnotized at some point in the past trigger word for some reason is dimitri martin and then [Music] when you say demetri martin they turn into a chicken so this chart shows how the longer i point at charts the more i'm ripping off dimitri martin now i make charts for a living and these charts are all just charts about other charts so i hope after i've explained slash justified myself i will go down to what i'm calling an acceptable level of joke theft that's me now when you're making charts it's important to know which kind of chart to use for example this is a bar graph about how much pi i ate and i feel like there's a better way to represent this data [Music] this chart shows how much of this pie chart is a lime grass that much this is pac-man now pac-man looks like a pie chart but if you want to graph how much pac-man looks like a pie chart don't use a pie chart i'll explain these are charts about how much a pie chart looks like pac-man now this looks 50 like pac-man 65 like pac-man now when you get to about 75 he looks exactly like pac-man so remember these are just charts about how much a pie chart looks like pac-man so if he try and keep up if he looks exactly like pac-man then you have to fill the whole thing in right so if you want to graph how much a pie chart looks like pac-man this is the actual way you reach a maximum level of pac-man and it goes down this is the pac-man paradox [Applause] we're yeah together we're learning together [Applause] this is a chart about how much the last chart looks like a hill remains constant over time this is a chart about how much the last chart about the chart before it looks like a hill not at all so we have another problem because this chart looks like a hill except for the axis so if you want to graph how much it looks like a hill you get pac-man again which this is how much doesn't look like a hill and how much that does so in conclusion the double derivative of pac-man is a hill and the double derivative of a hill is pac-man [Applause] thank you for appreciating my discovery this is like goodwill hunting all right uh my sister came home and she was asking she's learning about improper fractions but she came home and asked me what's an indecent fraction and i said it's a fraction that goes around naked all the time and that's what that looks like i blurt out the naughty bits cause this is a family show so these are some other fractions that i taught my sister this is an irrelevant fraction vhs over facts no one uses that stuff anymore this is an immature fraction [Laughter] poop over farts obviously equals sharts it's a very immature joke this is actually the lowest common denominator now this one's a little more complicated this is infinity over p so there's a lot of uncontrollable p happening thereby an incontinent fraction this is an imperceptible fraction i don't know if you can see that it's hard to see whenever people talk about gun control they talk about how the gun attack rate in australia went down after they banned guns but what they don't tell you is how much the boomerang attack increased this is a chart i made about the rate of boomerang attacks [Laughter] as you can see it goes down but as boomerangs are known to do it comes back [Applause] boomerang attacks are very tragic because every boomerang attack is a murder-suicide i just throw it out but it comes right back i had one more boomerang joke i can't remember hoping it comes back to me yeah that's right three of the same boomerang joke in a row because when you joke about boomerangs the same joke comes back it's the last one this is a chart about obesity in america it was a pie chart but we ate it [Applause] [Music] so they uh when i went to college i was a music major and they say that college is supposed to prepare you for the real world supposed to be a stepping stone to the real world i feel like there's nothing more unlike the real world than college i think second grade is more like the real world because think about it in college you can nap anytime you want do the bare minimum of work and your parents will still tell you they're proud of you not in second grade nap time's over after kindergarten if you get a note sent home from your teacher you're grounded here's why in second grade your parents still think that you have potential you can still make something in your life by the time you're in your third senior year of college they're numb to your failures you can't hurt them anymore in college you can study whatever you want no matter how useless it is not in second grade definitely not in the real world hey real world today i was thinking i would study mid-century european art and the real world's like oh yeah that does sound awesome but i got some other plans for you today today you're going to learn why renters insurance was a good idea yesterday

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 799,831

Rating: 4.8475161 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Useless Degree, Useless College Degree, English Major, History Major, Gender Studies Major, College students can't get jobs, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, college studies, university, unemployment, dbc, funny

Id: g5e2rfV_Yz4

Length: 42min 1sec (2521 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 10 2021