Tim Hawkins Best Moments and Jokes Part 2

my parents used to pray this with me in the dark when I was a kid now I lay me down to sleep I mean law [Applause] if I die [Applause] before I will I fail all sweet dreams see in the morning maybe 5050 I can't guarantee anything oh and don't let the bedbugs bite Sycho the conflict-resolution tools they teach in marriage is ask questions when you have a disagreement don't you start spewing out what you think make it worse ask questions try to relate make it better I used that last week my wife and I got into a disagreement it got hot you got heated we started a fight I stopped myself right there start asking questions honey why are you being a psycho right now [Applause] men and women text differently like when men text something is just a couple of words it uh send that's all I had to say I have nothing left guy that I'm tapped out right now when I get another thought I will send that out to you but right now just a couple of crickets playing racquetball up there yeah but women when women text what are you doing oh you look like a squirrel holding a nut [Applause] yeah I got a carriage return on your phone this is my text to her right here hello my darling how you doing a day send and that's when the floodgates open now I'm going to read you her response good I'm just so tired went to chiropractor I'm super tight through shoulders and mid-back so I loosen that up he said it sounds like my brain is he's shutting off for some reason I asked him if it would be from playing electronic games before bed he said probably so he said try that have a sip of wine before bed but I don't say good a next week come back try acupuncture smiley face I'm feeling very drag if it still has jack and say see so Koopman in the air have a Jackson played xbox before bed so he could have the same issues [Applause] so I text back okay [Applause] actually was just okay that's all so I guess who do we have some home schoolers here tonight huh home schoolers good are they okay of course you know I was home-schooled so yeah and both my parents worked so it didn't work out well I was scared you were gonna get that joke for a minute there your this guy has no payoff whatsoever no I was not home-schooled but my wife and I we have four kids and we do homeschool them and it's not that we don't like public school it's just that we're lazy we don't to get up early and take them that's really the reason and I'm not really the teacher I'm more of like the enforcer the principal you know only like honey I'm going to Starbucks tell me when they need a whuppin okay you go get a latte so I tried to teach at home and I'm not very good I'm just not you know okay honey let's make daddy a sandwich huh give you home X I don't know hey kids pop quiz help daddy find his wallet okay I hate kids we got a guest speaker names dora the explorer' going in there daddy daddy's gonna go pay some bills that's right let's see it's tough homeschooling your kids man you get judged all the time a new homeschooling people know what I'm talking about and the biggest criticism that you get is they don't give socialization we all cheer little also getting properly tuned but then you go to public school what are you get in trouble for socializing it's the last thing they want you doing I don't know at home it's tough sometimes I use the TV but I can't let my kids watch certain shows just because they're just weird they're not educational Sesame Street that is not educational television ladies and gentlemen it's not what are we learning there near far me [Laughter] my two-year-olds like daddy I get this come on [Applause] but you remember Sesame Street you didn't learn really anything did you remember that one game they did with the four squares and they had a kid in each square it's like one of these kids is doing his own thing come on can you tell which wanna come on I was real tough wasn't it the three kids skipping rope fourth get eaten a squirrel [Laughter] they didn't use the it is scary that's how long ago I walked in on my six-year-old son he was playing duck duck goose by himself I don't know what to do is like duck duck good nut got got got chase himself around for like five minutes like honey I don't think the homework she is the better parent I've been a parent for a long time I ain't getting no better at it I threatened one of my kids with a mission trip the other day so the appearance of thought of that I will sing get an idea of how I promise you you're gonna learn some patience one way or another so you have a smart Matthew and a loincloth during the forests of Nicaragua a terrible period I don't have the tools to be a good parent you know I don't have a good whistle my dad you should have a good intimidating whistle he call you in six blocks away you know other people's kids we run around they so have it your kids giving her now [Applause] enjoy the kids won't come and have dogs and taxicabs right trying to be cool I'm not a cool then let a cool person know it's hard to be cool in your 40s I used to go to cool places - what a cool parties meet with cool people all I do is walk around my house and turn off lights wearing black socks and boxers wearing a [ __ ] carrying handle whipped cream with me [Applause] three the little lives here well unlike me [Music] this you can't be cool with your forties people your body doesn't let you you ever get up from a nap too quick up the couch almost pass out try that again it's a bullet Joe analytics when breathe I do not a shave my grunt for things I didn't used to ground for I don't want to get out of chairs he's like Daddy [Music] what was that would you just clean that up a well I was a lazy boy you guys I'm hearing some of this for the first time to this I don't need gosh you guys need a whipped-cream camp I am the laziest father ever I said this one of my kids one time look you come upstairs when i text you you understand away I will unfriend you pal that's how you that's how you threaten my kids you take their technology away think about a parent's kids that's all they know is technology they were raised in it nobody uses crayons anymore so on the computer remember crayons remember first day of school box of 100 rounds colors it didn't even know existed Buffalo's lady morning coffee Dean that's all better than remember old art supplies used to use they don't use me tongue depressors and cotton balls and sugar cubes and paste delicious like a pate for a fine girl like Paula Deen right here in spot my gosh you just take away their technology it freaks them out my daughter she's addicted to it Danielle Bangkok a nice sound I wouldn't let talk besides as I said to him it's like Farooq assault from Willy Wonka no that's who I am to you doctor no I'm giving you the gift how about this what's that things in your ears on the David Copperfield I took my daughter's cellphone away the other day oh my gosh they did the trick I haven't seen her chin in a month me I took her cell phone away that was a trick oh it devastated her it was pathetic puppies on the Humane Society [Applause] get up I don't care hey I'm your brother not your friend [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's print will be friendly I'm your father not everyone pressure I got lots of friends that's a thing in your 40s it's beautiful I don't care what people think about me I've used the Walmart baggies for a while that's great for breezy more pizza something my toenails on airplanes people I read straight from the milk jug when I'm in other people's houses I'd say they don't say if you don't mean it make yourself at home oh I will drink your milk I'll rearrange your furniture oh really your truck they will wear your yoga pants for free I'm not here to impress this is the body I got I work out this is as good as I can do you know I'm the same guy in my 40s that's the thing it's not fair I'm the same guy my forties as it was in the 20s 30s there's only a few differences gained a few pounds my hair's a little thinner and my nipples point sideways like a horse's eyes that's the only difference I'm a shameful even if I'm a Christian man with nipples America East West Asian and towards each other behind you I mean I am awesome right up to here I'm awesome right over then it just goes to the top all the way down and when your 40s there's no button there anymore call it what it is a gun that's what it is I'm afraid to look in there it's gonna be a Chilean miner [Applause] I can't kick my pool please you guys have big sporting events here yeah pigfoot I wouldn't dig sporting the other day and I bought one of those lunar armor t-shirts sleek workout shirts that shows every contour your body because I'm an idiot and you look good on the mannequin I've even tried on ice but look at home I tried on him from the beer line looks like I was smuggling a family of Wood Johnson I got [Applause] my chest shut the door [Applause] the gazelle sweetheart if a woodchuck it's not candy what you want to eat look I am the man of the house okay it's like you get open enough that you can afford food look we're the men under the man of a house okay I paid the bills I take care of business I'm the man so why do I have to hide in a corner of my room to eat a stinking bowl of Lucky Charms I hear footsteps [Applause] white braixen why are you a monkey charms [Applause] [Applause] [Music] stick it Donnell's is not fair it's just so good now kids you think McDonald's is good men I'll wait here anyways we're doing so good I think they use msg I think there you can crack this is it you can't it's too tempting what are they using that you forego the drive-thru at McDonald's you try to psych yourself up and ordered something healthy you can't do it I'm gonna grill chicken salad and a bottle of grilled chicken salad at a bottom line we're gonna help you yeah give me a number one biggest size with some gravy on your couple cinnamon rolls and defibrillator and a doctor's appointment you could put the fire hose to the shake machine and blowing in my car just fill her up [Applause] all of the time code I need that too your fans get the kissy waters gonna make it all better it's gonna eat up all the bad I'm not here to press anybody anymore isn't it oh my god I know lady I kind of um I know I read your Tricia thoughts I know what's going to like Andy I know ladies hello Charley reg with legs they've given us by this good some people call me the space cowboys and call me the gangster some people call me Maurice [Applause] and friends like do you need to work on your cage now I think it would bring your coal what am i an apple see that's the thing I want to eat more than I want to ask you know I'll work on my abs and I'm chewing I'll just bear down but I need this this is what I need I'm working I need every bit of this all right I know I got three boys this is not fat and you got three people this is protective padding cuz they're coming at you it hurts it's MMA everyday in my little girls are awesome my daughter the only thing with girls is you can't keep up with them when they tell the story itself is too fast the guy's a [ __ ] dick [Applause] Jeter walks [Applause] little here anon says little boys with every tone story toy slow motion but dads choose life I need protective padding it's like my three boys it's weird it's a paradox as my as my boys get younger the pain gets worse my oldest boy my Lisp was 16 he's lived awaits he's got muscles he's big moving wrestle I have to try and I'm not saying good job I'm tapping out [Applause] why didn't you come I whistle for you why didn't you I say senior oil comes in the kitchen the day hey dad let me put you in the arm seat you take it [Applause] did you see why can't belt that you [ __ ] my contacts flow well when you did I steal that I can't spell them my lad new role he comes in the other night he's got some in his hand so what's up he did it oh let me show you a lair salka air so that sounds like a nerf gun then go ahead [Applause] it's like going 2,000 feet per second that's pretty aggressive with an area soft about that bad boy a follicle wealth maker daddy would've said no airsoft you name this thing nor the airsoft is the cloud be right up the heaven after taking a kill shot to the head from over these demon dots airsoft gun it's a pellet going to speed away airsoft she could boil tea and at which you're soft but the worst forces move at no because you know and the reason hurts so bad is because you don't know it you're just not expecting it because there's just so sweetie I was good my whole guy kiss the other night I was hugging him he stroked my beard and okay you go beard I do I like your beard daddy is that a nose here [Music] I just tasted blood those hairs were connected to the brainstem that's it he pulled it my foot look like that

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 809,223

Rating: 4.8417702 out of 5

Keywords: Comedy, Stand up, Comedian, Tim Hawkins, Jokes, Best of, Comedian Tim Hawkins, Tim Hawkins Comedy

Id: dqt6K1cYBtw

Length: 24min 3sec (1443 seconds)

Published: Fri May 31 2019