Christian Comedy | Thou Shalt Laugh 1 (BEST VERSION) thor ramsey taylor mason patricia heaton

fly from Hollywood where plastic surgery is considered a sacrament it's the comedy spectacular thou shalt love featuring the amazing talents of Thor Ramsay Jeff Allen Michael jr. Teresa Roberts Logan Taylor Mason Gilbert Esquivel and the village idiot Joe be sad and now please welcome your host two-time Emmy winner and star of Everybody Loves Raymond Patricia Heaton thank you so much tonight you're gonna see some of the best and brightest comedians on the planet and what's more they're all Christians that is correct all Christians all been baptized they have all their shots they and you know it's interesting is a lot of people think that the words Christian and comedian couldn't possibly be in the same sentence and if you are one of those people I think you're going to be in for a big surprise because if you can get through this concert and you're not laughing your head off clearly you're going to hell or purgatory Catholics invented that for a reason so anyway let's get started gosh our first comedian is brilliant and he's jaded and sarcastic and cynical so clearly he's going to be a huge success in this town please welcome thore Ramsey [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you don't have to stop sure how many people buy applause people in love by applause people in love yeah yeah that's right love robber ruin your life yes it will love can ruin your life because when you're when you're in love with somebody you're concerned about their happiness when they are miserable welcome to the show my advice you're not married marry someone you don't love yeah and when they get upset it's not that big a deal just be practical of a five-year-old daughter my wife and I have a five-year-old daughter and nothing negative to say about being a parent man it was like there's like an invisible cord running from my daughter to me it's just like a constant supply of joy she's like I love my daughter Eden too so very much and thank you my complaint is with the toy manufacturers he tried to open a toy lately I bought my daughter her stuffed animal it was strapped to that box like what's going to the electric chair tape and twisty ties and barbed wire and a card to our dad I want to play with my dolly honey apparently our dollies on death row [Applause] they put some nice clear plastic on the front scans visio darling time you're lying hi dolly count what'd you get out I said I can't wait to get out what cracks me up is that strapping up these toys twist and tie and strapping these toys in this is someone's job that Court does this where is this done don't ever tell me elves are happy I can only imagine this being done by someone to the state correctional facility somewhere well evaluate this with me if you will I'm in a Christian bookstore the other day and I'm not making this up they're selling Christian breath mints have you seen these they're they're called Testaments I tried some I took them back I'm like these aren't working I'm still cussing [Applause] not sure when a breath mint becomes Christian but these were falsely converted okay the breath is evil okay first I think the most effective tool for marketing Jesus has been the fish symbol that we put on the back of our cars the fish symbol and you may have seen a reaction to this Darwin has put feet on the fish symbol wrote Darwin on the inside and reaction to this we made a fish symbol eating their fish symbol which I think is the Christian thing to do I am just I'm happy to be alive actually I'm happy to be alive I was in Bismarck North Dakota last week yeah don't applaud you don't know you don't want me to say yet so don't applaud yet it was 60 below 60 below I'm not making that up Bismarck North Dakota 60 but North Dakota is the only state we can ice-cream headache from breathing it's 60 below there are only six hundred and eighty thousand people in the entire state move there are other places to live people we can still make use of North Dakota my suggestion build a big fence around North Dakota make that a prison yeah we could literally have a State Penitentiary that way and but I shared a shuttle from the airport to the hotel 60 blow I get in the shuttle I'm like I am so cold the guidance shuttle goes oh it's barely freezing it's not a comforting phrase really it's barely freezing that's kind of like you okay to drive I'm hardly drunk how are things at home I sell them have stitches you see hardly barely sell them they all mean the thing is still happening you're somewhat stupid and if you ask him outright how can you stand this cold now the common answer you get you get used to it that's a lie you do not get used to that kind of weather I know because when I was there I got pulled over by a cop neither one of them Scout the car step off the car please you step out step out of the car look oh I got some fan can you hear it to the bench just slow down and if the weather doesn't kill you driving and it will because same week I'm outside of Grafton North Dakota part of my Tundra tour and I'm on a two-lane road I try to Grafton and passing a semi 60-below Hill little patch of ice as I'm going to get back in my lane I'm spinning out of control in front of the semi and he's honking at me like I'm goofing off and a semi honking a to me sounds like you know dad dad you're dead dead you're dead you're dead dead dead that's that's stupid they don't hump like that we do that thing I don't get that anyway I don't there any trucker so my dad was a trucker I still don't understand the whole you're pulling on a rope we have horns now okay what kind of ancient cowboy technology is this we got like a rope tied to a duck's leg and I a horn man that really sound like a duck either did it yeah hey how'd you get into driver's license - I don't know last time you've done that got a new drivers license I'm at the DMV and I don't know the last time you've gone but they they have lines and I'm in line so finally if the lady's gonna take my picture no making this up she actually says this for my license she's going she goes - aren't you gonna smile like this this for identification purpose isn't it if I get pulled over this I'm gonna look want to make sure they recognize me so you take my picture I'll Drive my car that will be our relationship I didn't say that true out loud I thought about saying I didn't say it aloud that would have been rude would not have been the Christian thing to do I think it's much more Christian for me to come here and talk about it hey that's the Christian way they saw a guy had a bumper sticker on his car said Hallmark cards I thought to myself how convenient because that's the next thing I want to talk about I love the looks on some of your faces on that one my wife and I have decided this we decided out of all the holidays Mother's Day cards hardest cards to buy because they're all so fake because all Mother's Day cards say something on them in big flowery letters like to the most wonderful mother in the world [Music] [Applause] why can these to make a car that said you did the best you could I'd love you anyway yeah I got a card back yeah and your disappointment - happy birthday now I would say generally speaking greeting cards are much more important to women and they are men but guys if you're gonna go to the trouble of buying a greeting card read it but my wife what I thought was a very nice Valentine's Day card on the front had the traditional heart around the heart held that and then inside it said happy Valentine's Day and the Y had that had the double loop why it's a sign of a good greeting cards that I handed to us like how do you go wrong with the card like that at hand ago she opens it starts laughing inside it said to the man I love [Applause] I had a good childhood myself had a good childhood grew up in a small town in Nebraska Gobert Nebraska yeah Dakota City Nebraska ten to fifteen hundred and three people twenty five thousand four hundred and thirty seven German shepherds it's my impression of the Kurdish city in the evening it's killing the morning what is this dog so desperately trying to communicate at 2:00 in the morning what's that they're trying to say what's the other help me I'm trapped in the yard I can't get out get me out we actually open your window yell at the neighbor's dog shut up dog like the dogs down there going my bad my bad I'm so sorry I didn't realize the time I'm a dog no you get his attention he'll be right at your window you help me help me help me help me help me and the other dogs neighbor they hear in the distance and join in hell [Music] so the barking thing bothers me show this with you before I get out of here the barking thing bothers me because night is generally when I sleep well what's your habits are my nights sleeper all right I love it sleep I love it sleep I love it sleep love it I sleep love it I love to sleep and have dreams about taking naps I love and I'm all these people have that total silence complete darkness oh I can't fall asleep at night I tell you something you people who snore you sandblasters at the night the colors of the Hogs how do you people make these noises these Seth where's this stuff come from it's like you're laying there in a coma with a constant reminder I'm asleep [Music] you ever sleep even the dogs outside one roll over god bless you guys thanks a lot see I love you guys for Ramsey yes fabulous I just have a little bone of contention you know he's got a he's got a five year old and has nothing negative to say about kids and that's that's great that's coming from a dad with one kid let's hear from the ladies who have had four c-sections when I was backstage I realized that our next entertainer and I have a lot in common that we're both from the Midwest we both came out to Hollywood to pursue our dreams of being in the entertainment industry both on major hit sitcoms have multiple Emmys are adored worldwide oh wait that's me that's me because God had a different plan for his life please welcome Michael jr. [Applause] [Music] alright man we're gonna have some fun so I just I just got married which is which is cool right huh you ever been to a surprise wedding now I'm glad I'm real glad that I got I got married because now you don't got date no more well you you're not supposed to you know right nuts but now I'm not having a date it's really really cool right because some of the women were materialistic right I just acts as a lady who wanted to go out and she tried to send Blin really use words to figure out what type of vehicle I could afford I was like so you won't go out she said well maybe we can go on some sort of expedition I mean if you can navigate your way they pick me up I wasn't spending no money on her sounds like oh that's cool cuz if you go with me to the Fiesta I'll be more than happy to be your escort and now comedy is so cool I get to get to travel right I'm noticed in some of the airports we'll have enough security one of them didn't have a real metal detector it was just a lady standing there with an attitude he looked like he got some bee then they gonna stop me excuse me Michael jr. we're gonna have to use a one on you other all right that's cool I'll spread my arms out it's a little dude named Juan came over to start first coming [Applause] everybody in Los Angeles trees bottled water I'm not paying from the war it's free and they tried to tell me to California tap waters bathroom I've been drinking the tap water since I moved here I've been noticing problems with me not to mention I've been drinking the tap water since I'm new here I haven't no same problems with meat [Applause] [Applause] I'll get strange questions ask me just somebody walked it to me like so Michael jr. are you Pro gay what no I'm not pro gay or amateur gays I even know they had a league you think I'm like most about doing comedy right I used to have this thing I caught a job right oh I was a cashier at a gas station but I didn't mean and I wasn't a comedian this guy walked in who clearly had on a hairpiece I'm just doing my job right okay so he got a soda pop - that's it lean fifty-nine dollars and seventy seven cents and uh how are you going to pay [Applause] then then that this big lady walked it with the swelling lady walked in right there's nothing wrong being big she had a bad attitude she came here complaining what took you so long to authorize the pump I can't believe it took you that long I started to explain her I was like yeah I was busy okay and a whole bunch I was trying to then just stopped and looked at her now as I go um sorry about your wait [Applause] so I quit that job they wanted me to get him a two weeks notice I was like your boss two weeks from now you're gonna notice I'm being here in two weeks [Applause] so now a comedy all I do basically is just watch people and pay attention to how we respond to things right like if you listen to somebody talk and it seems as if the conversation is almost over then they start up a whole new topic did I ever tell you about the time you're like I thought she was leaving for the pastor at church in closing did ever tell you about the time I'll tell you what time again come on pass it [Applause] now watch everybody - like college students take somebody go to a nice school let's say like University of Southern California that's the most cool to go to you gonna go ask my school to go so you get a nice quick answer screw go to USC New York universe you get a nice quick answer ago - and why you ask somebody to go to Community College you get a much longer response don't you what what school you go to well see right now I'm getting a couple predix right then my financial aid supposed to come through yeah my cousin only Mises books and then a transfer man and for me when I was in school my teacher tried to tell me I had a DD right which stands for attention deficit here's some nice necklace you got all right [Applause] sometimes I would read a book right I'll open it up and I would look at the words and the letters would get like mixed do we get like like like scrambled it they tried to tell me I was less distich okay it's okay you might be working on one joke and another joke is on the way tell you what to do what you do is you just grab the second joke put it in your pocket later on you will have a treat you might forget the joke is there then you'll be at the store so hold on do I got to change let me get this change [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] I love doing comedy I was doing a show and uh Hermosa Beach at the county magic club right so I leave I leave and I'm walking to my car and it's getting a little cold a little dark outside so I'm thinking let me hurry up to get to where I need to be so I start jogging then this white lady with her little jogging outfit on came around the corner about 20 feet in front of me we're talking in the same direction now then she looked back just started jogging faster so I look back to not is anything back there if a white person scared of it Michael jr. scared of it too so I started jogging fast after she looked back again she took off from full stride this time I didn't even look back I also kicked in the gears I could have easily passed her up I'm thinking no I can't just lead us to fences lady out here by herself whether back there go-getter [Applause] so I gave it up to her is that as fast as you can run I gotta run to on micro Junior we never tell you about the time [Applause] [Music] before I got married to my beautiful wife you know I was a single dad at three right now I got I got four kids is really really a blessing but I was a single dad of three right and it was a lot of work I thought it would be heat like my sixth grader came home with some math horror right you want me to help I'm thinking six great man cool yeah how hard could that be how many apples - sadly possibly had she asked me to help her write a polynomial Sally had Apollo [Applause] all of a sudden I'm paying for a tutor right twice a week first you go on Tuesdays and Thursdays I go [Applause] my first grader comes home right it's picture day and the pictures are expensive right she had a note that says she can bring an item from home like a teddy bear or a rose to make the picture more personable right for that much money I'll Center the class with her brother and sister mother [Applause] and in my son I don't know how many if you ever been around like a four-year-old before I asked a lot of questions question after question after many a little nothing you've been here for four years when a doctor's office writing the lady across unless it starts nursing her baby my son looked at her Dean looked at me I'm trying to ignore he looked at her he looked at me this is what I find out he don't even know how to whisper what is the baby doing to the lady daddy [Applause] I got explaining for all these strangers and they all got a vein in the neck from Hunan laughter so what you saw was natural she let me have these uh deep these breasts and um he said what's the breast think man is this I could container whole milk [Applause] he said what's the container I was like nothing [Applause] my son is so smart I mean it is like brilliant right Gavin really told me a little while back we had a burglary somebody broke into where we live I think this silly thing nobody got hurt but gather from what he said apparently they broke in and um they peed in his bed [Applause] I just peed in his bed man and upon further investigation they found out they also pee in Apollo spider-man pajamas on the side of good [Applause] have awesome moments though all spotters you know you get that father-son moment it's like a what son looks at me out of nowhere and he just said to me dad I want to be a doctor yes they said or a dinosaur my kajillion alone [Music] so here to tell you more about happy couples check out [Applause] [Music] all right I gotta tell you man I'm gonna blessed with teenagers and yeah I'm just glad to be in another state right now so here's a typical conversation I have with my 18 year old last August right before school starts he comes to me says I think I'm old enough to buy my own school clothes thought about it I said you know I think you're right then we stare at each other for a minute he says whoa so I said whoa this is an actual conversation I'm doing it from memory I didn't have to write it down then he says I need some money like I'm a and miss something I thought you're running to buy your clothes not go to the mall and pick him out he says whatever that's the word every time I hear it I want to boink him right in the eyes all right so I give him money I send them all I said the deal is you got to show me what you bought now he comes out modeling the Jeezy boy if he's seen the jeans these kids that comes out of the bedroom 60 yards of denim hanging off his body first time my wife washes you threw her back out dragging him over to the drive and he's mopping his underwears up here somewhere the pants were sagging down there and they don't walk anymore kids they waddle that's what he does he waddles don't like when you're coming out of the bathroom looking for toilet paper that's the way so I gotta go yo yo yo pops he says what do you think I said oh man I'm glad you asked I think we're going back to the mall Snoop droopy drawers that's what I think trust me I believe teenagers are God's revenge on mankind as if God himself looked down and said hey let's see how they like it to create somewhat of their own image who denies their existence because I had looked noir in the Bible as I mentioned how old Satan was when he rejected God's Authority my guess would be 18 I'm telling him he caught me in the hallway about a month ago this is what he says to me hey I need your opinion on something you [Music]

Channel: RECREATED LIFE

Views: 2,116,604

Keywords: Gilbert Esquivel, Jeff Allen, Michael Jr., Patricia Heaton, Taylor Mason, Teresa Roberts Logan, Thor Ramsey, and Joby Saad, christian comedy, christian standup, comedy movies, full version, standup comedy, thou shalt laugh, thou shalt laugh 1, stand up comedy, clean comedy, jeff allen comedian, michael jr, clean stand up comedy

Id: SNT_Xct5yHc

Length: 34min 8sec (2048 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 03 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/super_plomo]

Actually can’t wait to listen to this one

[u/KillingIsBadong]

I just want to take this opportunity to say Zach is full of shit saying that the host, the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond (Patricia Heaton) died when a gas cannister blew through her chest (or whatever the exact scenario he mentions in the episode). She is very much alive.