Life Doesn't Get Any Better After 60. Tony Calabrese - Full Special

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I'm glad I came out. I love this whole city, it's my first time here. You guys have been fantastic, the people are wonderful. Everything's beautiful, I'm glad to be here. Thank you for coming out tonight. (audience applauding) This is a very big year for me, folks. I turn 60 years old this year. Yeah, I probably should have had a piece of fruit back in '83. (audience laughing) I got up this morning, I looked in the mirror and went, Whatever, I've peaked. (audience laughing) It's not getting any better. You know what I mean? When you're turning 60 you know, you realize you're gotta give up a few things, you know, like hopes and dreams. (audience laughing) Been having this pain in my shoulder, lasted six weeks. My doctor says to me, you know, "Tom, as you get older "your body just doesn't bounce back "quickly from an injury." I'm like, doc, I was combing what's left of my hair. (audience laughing) It's tough getting older, I'm telling you folks. The AARP has been sending me a bunch of stuff, right? You look like you know what I'm talking about, right? (audience laughing) They send me stuff in the mail all the time. The other day, I got a letter in the mail saying if I renewed my membership they would send me a special gift. Did you get that letter? A fanny pack. (audience laughing) A fanny pack. 'Cause nothing says 60's the new 40 like a fanny pack. (audience laughing) What's next? White socks, sandals, bermuda shorts and a straw hat? You know what I mean? The AARP . . . I think the AARP is kinda like the senior citizen mafia. Yeah, if they came out with a movie it'd be called the "Grandfather." (audience laughing) And that pivotal scene would have a line, "Leave your teeth, take the cannoli." (audience laughing) I heard the AARP is coming out with a dating app for seniors. Yeah, it's called Plenty of Fish with health insurance. (audience laughing) A lot of crazy stuff in the news. I'm Italian, you guys probably couldn't figure that out. The Pope's been in the news, right? This week, he was in the news yesterday, he's big in the Italian community. I don't know if you know that, maybe not that much here but where I come from, he's big, huge. We're really into the Pope. And I like this guy, I like this Pope, but they lied to us about him, right? When he first got elected, when that white smoke went up, they said, "Oh, we finally got "an Italian Pope again." He's not Italian, he's not, he's from Argentina. Did you know that? That's not Italian. (audience laughing) I want an Italian Pope. I wanna a Pope that's gonna come out onto that balcony in front of a million people and go, "Hey. (audience laughing) "How you doin'?" (audience laughing) Bless me Father for I've sinned. "Forget about it." (audience clapping) I wanna Pope from New Jersey, that's what I'm saying. (audience laughing) I'm married. Been married 38 years. (audience applauding) Yeah! (audience applauding) Yes. In a row. (audience laughing) I'm lucky, man, I'm a very— I married my childhood sweetheart. So we went to high school together, got married. We did it the old fashioned way. We didn't live together, nothing like that, we didn't. 'Cause we're Italian, you don't do that. You know what I mean? That would be bad, you don't do any of that kinda stuff. And I didn't really wanna live with her before I got married. (audience laughing) Who was gonna cook for me? I didn't wanna leave home. (audience laughing) But we did it old school, we did it the Italian traditional way. I went to her father and I asked for permission to marry his daughter. Then I went to my mother and asked for permission to leave the house. (audience laughing) So we got married, and I gotta tell you, we learned about each other along the way. That's how we learned. We didn't know anything about— we learned along the way, folks. The first five years of my marriage my face looked like this. (audience laughing) But you learn stuff, you do. Like, I learned to never ask my wife a question, right? (audience laughing) Because I was gonna have to do something called listen. (audience laughing) And the answer would take a really long time. (audience laughing) And I'd be expected to remember it. (audience laughing) It's interesting, global warming is a big deal right now. Do you guys know about global warming, right? That's the polar ice caps melting. And they say it's because industrial pollution is causing our polar ice caps to melt. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried all the female baby boomers are gonna have one collective hot flash, whoosh, the whole planet is gonna come hot. (audience laughing) Some of you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about menopause. (audience laughing) Yeah, that's a Latin word. It means men, you might wanna pause before you do anything, that's gonna tick this woman off. (audience laughing) And let me tell you something, folks, after 38 years of marriage, I know what'll tick a woman off. Just can't stop doing it. (audience laughing) It's called breathing. (audience laughing) Oh my wife's going through this menopause thing right now. I'm telling you, it's something else. I accidentally took one of her menopause pills the other day. (audience laughing) Yeah. I'd this terrible urge to yell at myself all day long and then go shop for shoes. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) You're frightening me right now. (audience laughing) I feel like I'm speaking to the choir here, a little bit. (audience laughing) I can always tell when my wife forgets to take one of her pills, 'cause the air conditioning is set on North pole. (audience laughing) No, to get warm, I have to sleep in the refrigerator. It's a big fridge, it's a very big fridge. I love my wife. I like being married. I just can't imagine not being married. We've been together, we're best friends. We communicate, we talk to each other all the time about everything. I ask her stuff, she asks me stuff. Like, the other day, she said, "Honey, can you describe "inflation to me?" And I said, Oh sweetie, that's easy. When we first got married, I weighed 180 pounds. Now, I weigh 280 pounds. You get a lot more husband. I just don't do as much. (audience clapping) We spent our 38th wedding anniversary in Maui. Yeah. Anybody been to Maui? You know those travel brochures, the ones with them cute Ken and Barbies with those coconut bikini things going on? They lie. Everybody there looked like me. (audience laughing) Yeah, who knew that paradise was full of fat whops from New Jersey. (audience laughing) And when I'm on vacation, I wanna do what I wanna do. I wanna do what I'm good at, nothing. My wife wants to do stuff. "Let's go on a helicopter ride "and tour the volcano." Has anybody done this? The first thing they do is they show you a safety video, right, so you can learn how to unlock the helicopter door, which is good to know when you're over a volcano. (audience laughing) Then they ask you this list of questions, right? The last question is, how much do you weigh? I told the guy, I told him, "No problem." But then my wife lies by 20 pounds. I'm like, This is the moment you wanna do this? We're gonna— You're lying about your weight now. I didn't say it out loud, it was the eyes, I was . . . I was like, Really? And she's looking back at me with the evil eye going, Don't you dare tell him. Don't you dare tell him how much I weigh. (audience laughing) And then it dawned on me. There were four other women on this flight with us. (audience laughing) What if they're all lying about their weight? (audience laughing) There was one woman, she had to weigh 210, 220. I know she's coming in low, you know. (audience laughing) So I'm like. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. I wanna change my answer. I weigh 500 pounds. (audience applauding) 'Cause I don't wanna get sacrificed to Palé the volcano god, (audience laughing) because these women don't want captain Bob to think we're fat. (audience laughing) That was day one. You know what we did on day two? The bike ride. (audience laughing) It wasn't enough that we could see the volcano from the air, we had to go up there and be dropped off with a bicycle at sunrise, right? I don't do bicycle, I'm not balancing this on a bike. (audience laughing) So we're up there at 4:30 in the morning. They drop us off with a thousand other people and bicycles. Right? We get to watch the sun come up. Woohoo! (audience laughing) Then we have to bike back down from the volcano. Yeah, yeah. 37 miles. My wife's like, "Oh, it's okay, "honey, it's downhill." It's 37 miles. Now, let me tell you something, folks. A 280 pound man doesn't go down from the volcano at the same speed as a 120 pound woman. (audience laughing) I got there four hours before she did. (audience laughing) That was day two. You know what we did on day three? Look at me, really look at me. (audience laughing) Is there anything about me that says snorkeler? (audience laughing) If you've never been to Hawaii, let me give you a little bit of advice, never ask for directions. "Oh, first, you go down the "Holly Collie, molly folly "funiculi, funicula street. (audience laughing) "Then turn right on "Malaini fikuhuni." (audience laughing) I'm like, Hey, sport, this is America. Name your streets after something Spanish. (audience applauding) I shouldn't pick on my wife and all the stuff we do, but she's not here, so I don't care. (audience laughing) My wife and I, we celebrated our rights of marriage on June 10th, 1978. Yeah, they call it the rights of marriage, 'cause right after the ceremony, I had the right to remain silent. (audience laughing) Because you women don't forget anything, you don't, do you ladies? No. They're all shaking their heads, the men are like, yeah, you know what I mean. You don't forget anything. Like, the other day, we're in Walmart, right? 'cause you know, I got that kinda cash. (audience laughing) My wife hauls off and slaps me. I'm like, What was that for? "You were looking at that girl." What girl? "The one at the zoo." (audience laughing) We haven't been to the zoo in 12 years. (audience laughing) And my wife basically lives to make me feel like an idiot. Oh and I try to help her out as often as I can, Honey, I can't find my keys. "Ohhh." (audience laughing) "Well, did you look for them?" (audience laughing) No. I hadn't thought of that. Looking for my key, you get the best ideas, honey. Then she went right to my keys, why? 'Cause you women hide stuff from us. You don't call it hiding, you put stuff . . . - [Audience] Away. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) - There's not a guy in this room that knows where the magic land of away is. It's someplace between bed, bath and beyond an IKEA. That much I know. I put my keys on the kitchen counter, now they've gone away. Guys you know, if you're with a woman, if you're married, whatever, you're dating somebody, within three minutes, your stuff's gonna start to disappear. And weird stuff of theirs just starts showing up, right? The other day, I found a little ping pong paddle in my shower. My shower is not that big. You know what I'm saying. What kinda game is she playing in here? (audience laughing) Do you still gotta win by two? I don't know. I'm thinking to myself, Maybe, it's part of one of those weird diets she's on, you know. The eat a cheeseburger, take a shower, smack your butt with a paddle tire. I don't know. (audience laughing) I come out of the bathroom with this thing. I'm like, Honey, what's this? She goes, "You moron, "that's a foot file." (audience laughing) A foot file. Guys, that's how they get their feet in the pointy shoes, they're filing their feet. (audience laughing) I don't understand you women, I really don't. How come Rosetta Stone hasn't come out to translate something like that. That's what I wanna know. (audience laughing) I will say this though, and I believe this in my heart. I believe that the women should be running this country. I think women should be in charge, I really do. I think it's about time, yeah. Because think about this, if a woman was running a country, there'd be no war. We just wouldn't talk to other countries for awhile. (audience laughing) And she'd balance the budget, 'cause we'd buy all of our weapons on sale. (audience laughing) I have a coupon. (audience laughing) And a woman would have found Bin Laden in about 30 minutes. She would. "Well, general, "did you look for him?" (audience laughing) I'm fat, I know you can't tell 'cause I'm wearing black. (audience laughing) Been fat a long time. My doctor's always on my case about it, he's telling me, "Why do you think you're fat?" Oh, I don't know, doc, maybe 'cause the Girl Scout Cookie Mafia follow me around the entire month of February. (audience laughing) Why do you think you're fat? I don't know. (audience laughing) Tony, you gotta go to the gym, workout, go to the gym. I thought about going to the gym, that's two minutes of my life I'll never get back. (audience laughing) You never see people who look like me at a gym, you never see fat people at a gym. What do they do with us after they sign us up? I think there's a secret door that all the fat people go into and it leads to hometown buffet. (audience laughing) That's my dream, anyway. (audience laughing) My wife tricked me into going to a gym once. Who knew that Pilates wasn't an Italian restaurant? (audience laughing) I hate people that like to brag about how they . . . They're always like, "Ooh." They're so enthusiastic, "I got up this morning, "I did a 90 minute workout. "Then I ran a 5K and swam a 2K, "I feel fantastic." Really? I had six slices of pizza, then I took a nap, you don't hear me bragging about it. (audience laughing) I'm fat, I'm fairly certain when I die, if I see a bright white light, it's 'cause I had a heart attack in front of my fridge. (audience laughing) I've tried exercise. I've bought a lot of that equipment off late night TV, that exercise stuff. I bought an ab roller, it's not high enough to hang laundry from. (audience laughing) I bought a Bowflex. You guys seen these things with all the wires and everything like that? Here's all I have to say about "we had a Bowflex" and that's, we also used to have a cat. (audience laughing) Just saying. I don't want the PETA people upset with me over that. And I know that it's import— I know dieting's important, and that's a big part of being healthy and everything, I think. But to me it's very difficult just to diet. Like, I'm kind of a fat psychic. Like I know days in advance when the cheesecake's gonna die (audience laughing) Diet's a challenge for me. But they tell you that you gotta diet. you gotta change your lifestyle stuff, Tom. And I think that dieting is kinda like the speed limit. It's like speed limit for food, it's meant to be broken. That's all I'm saying. We've all been there before, you know. I think that the challenging thing is that when you're fat you're an oppressed person, did you know that? We fat people are an oppressed people. You may have seen me and some of my fat friends at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet singing those old fat spirituals, like amazing gravy, you know. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) or ♪ Dinner time ♪ ♪ and the bacon is sizzling ♪ ♪ Fish is frying ♪ ♪ Mashed potatoes piled high ♪ ♪ Whoa that cheese cake's rich ♪ ♪ and that pizza good looking. ♪ ♪ Don't worry, baby ♪ ♪ there's plenty for us to try ♪ (audience applauding) I think my favorite fat spiritual is ♪ Sweet and low, it tastes like crap. ♪ ♪ Krispy kreme carry me ooh ♪ ♪ sweet and low causes ♪ ♪ cancer in rats, ♪ ♪ Krispy kreme carry me home ♪ ♪ I looked inside a gym ♪ ♪ And what did I see? ♪ ♪ Krispy kreme carry me home ♪ ♪ A bunch of people that ♪ ♪ didn't look like me ♪ ♪ Krispy kreme carry me home ♪ ♪ Sweet and low, it tastes like crap. ♪ Join in. You can start getting ready to say ♪ Krispy Kreme, it ♪ ♪ Sweet and low it tastes like crap. ♪ ♪ Krispy Kreme carry me home ♪ ♪ Sweet and low causes ♪ ♪ cancer in rats. ♪ ♪ Krispy Kreme carry me home ♪ You guys are awesome. (audience applauding) I wish I would've knew that earlier, we could have been singing all sorts of songs up here. (audience laughing) I think in order to really make it up to the fat people like us, I think we need to have a fat pride day. (audience laughing) There'll be no parade. I mean, no, there's no parade screwing up traffic. It's not like fat people are gonna march, you know. (audience laughing) Matter of Fact, you wouldn't even know it was fat pride day. We'd just all be home eating pizza watching the food network. (audience laughing) My wife hired a personal trainer for me. That poor guy. A little young kid. You know, he's like, "Mr. Calebrese? "What we're gonna do, "what we're gonna do here "first thing we gotta do "is we gotta establish "your fitness goals for the year. "We're gonna set 'em out, "just lay out that fitness goal." (audience laughing) So by the end of this year, I'm gonna have an ab. (audience laughing) He says to me, "Tom, "we gotta strengthen your core." I said, What if at my core, I'm just a fat guy. (audience laughing) He says, "No, if you work out, "eventually your muscles "will remember what it's like "to be 18." Really? They're gonna remember I was eating ding dongs behind the gym during gym class? (audience laughing) Young guys, young kids today. I worry about young kids today. Don't you worry about young people? I do. We're raising a nation of whiners and crybabies right now. We are, I can prove it. Do you know what the number one video game is in this country? It's "Grand Theft Auto" did you know that? Our teenagers are too lazy to go out and steal an actual car. (audience laughing) What is happening to America? (audience laughing) You can't punish kids today. No. You'll ruin their self-esteem. We didn't have self-esteem when I was a kid, we had humiliation, right, and we were thankful for it. You can't spank them. Don't spank Timmy, Timmy's got ADD. Well, yeah, maybe Timmy's just a B-R-A-T. (audience laughing) Maybe what we need to do is spank Timmy's B-U-T-T. (audience laughing) Let me tell you something folks, I went to Catholic school, right? Big shock. I went to Catholic school. I was raised by Irish nuns, yeah. Oh, I had ADD, once. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) It's the technology, it's the stupid technology that's ruining our children. They don't talk to each other anymore. They text each other all the, "LOL, you're my BFF." They don't even know who they're talking to. How do you know your BFF isn't just some big fat forget about it? (audience laughing) I don't text, look at the size of these things. (audience laughing) I can't text. I tried to text my wife, "FYI, call your mom." It came out, "FYI, call me Tom." What? Try explaining that to your wife. (audience laughing) But that's okay, that's okay, 'cause now they got something called talk to text. You guys know about this? Yeah, this is my phone. Okay, and next to the keyboard thingy there's a little microphone, see. So if I wanna send a text message I can press the microphone, and then I can talk into a phone (audience laughing) to send a text message. (audience laughing) And apparently the little Indian man in here, I don't know where it goes, apparently, he had bigger hands than me (audience laughing) because what I said was (audience laughing) why don't we go to Denny's for dinner, it's not that far? What came out was let's take the Dingo to Knott's Berry farm. (audience laughing) Who owns a dingo? (audience laughing) Oh, I sent the message. And she texts me back, I think he'd prefer Disneyland. (audience laughing) This crazy stuff, this crazy technology it's got into everything, right? The other day, I'm in the grocery store, tell me if you've had this happen to you, right? You go up to the checker, right, you go to checkout and the checker says to you, "Would you like to make "a donation today?" Have you had this happen, right? It's like every time I go to the grocery store they're hitting me up for money. I wasn't mean about it, but I said, No, no thank you. And she looked right at me and said, "Oh, unhappy face." Wait a minute. She didn't make an unhappy face with her actual face. She said unhappy face, she talked in an emoji. (audience laughing) Is that what the world's coming to, we're talking in this stuff now? Could you imagine yourself at work, "Boss, I lost the Johnson "account today, unhappy face." (audience laughing) Well, you're fired surprise look. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I have three beautiful grandkids. They're the love of my life and the light of my life. But the 14 year old, his bulb's going a little dim. The other day, he's in the bathroom and he yells out, "Oh crap, "I've had my underwear on "backwards all day. (audience laughing) "That explains everything." (audience laughing) I've an eight year old granddaughter. She is the spoiled one, we only have one girl in the family and she is spoiled rotten, but she's adorable. And she says to me the other day, "I hate men." You're eight. "I'm practicing." (audience applauding) She says to me, "You know papa, "I know what true love is. "True love is "when you keep your boyfriend, "even if he's really annoying "until you get the time "to find another one." (audience laughing) I have a four-year-old grandson, he's a kick. He's like, "Papa, did you ever "think that when you're mad "you're kinda like "the fat and the furious?" (audience laughing) I gotta get outta here, I'm gonna tell you a brief story. You guys may not know this but for 35 years, I was a banker, right? Not a Baker, I look like a baker, I was a banker. Yeah, and I went through seven mergers. The last one, they offered me an exciting new position and a 60% pay cut, yeah. Sometimes you gotta just take the severance package slash their tires and move on. (audience laughing) But I don't know if you guys have been over 50 looking for a job. The questions that people ask you are so stupid. Like, I go in for an interview it's like, "What are your greatest "weaknesses?" Veal, parmesan. (audience laughing) "Where do you see yourself "in five years?" Living with my kids if I don't get this job. (audience laughing) "Describe yourself in three words." Unemployed. (audience laughing) And you would think that people would ask me financial advice, the fact that I was a banker. I was the president of a bank, but they don't. The only thing anybody ever wants to know is, "Have you ever been robbed?" Isn't that the stupidest question. Yeah, I've been— I've been married for 38 years, of course, I've been robbed. (audience laughing) I've been robbed 31 times, 31 bank robberies. The first bank robbery, I was young. I was 18, it was actually Good Friday. And all the bank tellers are dressed up in their Easter outfits, it was really cute. I was dressed as a rabbit. A six foot tall rabbit with ears that went up about 10 feet. That was, you know, something you did back then. And a guy comes up to the teller next to me, and all I hear is, "Put the money in the bag." And I'm like, That sounds like my wife. But he had a mustache though . . . What are you gonna do? Could still be my wife. (audience laughing) It's okay, we love each other. Well, one thing they do, if you've ever worked at the bank they tell you don't run after a bank robber, just give him the money and let him go. Not me, I'm gonna be a hero. I ran after him, dressed as a rabbit. (audience laughing) I had the floppy feet coming out to here, I'm running down the street like this. One of my feet fell off. A homeless guy picked it up. He's rubbing it going, "Here comes Peter cottontail." It was a weird experience. The guy pointed the gun at me, but he didn't shoot 'cause you wouldn't shoot the Easter bunny, right? And he got away, he got away. What's really weird, is 30 years later. I'm working in another office, I'm the manager and I had one of these tellers, her name was Margo. She was 65, she's a veteran. Guy comes up, robs her and he's got a gun. She reaches out and grabs the gun out of his hand. She says, "You need to go back to school. "What would your parents "think about this?" (audience laughing) And she's waving the gun around. He walks outside, sits down on the curb and starts weeping. (audience laughing) The police showed up. We found out that as a child he'd been traumatized. He had seen a rabbit chasing a bank robber. Goodnight everybody.

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Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 293,916

Rating: 4.8119383 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Tony Calabrese, Tony Calabrese Dry Bar Comedy, Tony Calabrese Comedy, Tony Calabrese Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Old Age, Getting older, over 60, menopause, marriage, weight, dbc, funny, rodney

Id: F7OC_eWo0Ag

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Length: 34min 56sec (2096 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 06 2021