Ron White: A Little Unprofessional ( Full Show HD Video )

[Music] don't you shut up [Music] okay baby tell are you doing what Ron you promised you know how I get when I like jabbering starts and then I just make me crazy sometimes you know how I get in you have a show to do in four hours Oh baby we're gonna make it to that show you don't worry about that you just get this a Cadillac fired up and headed or lost chapron [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Austin Texas how the hell are you like to be back it's so great to be back in Austin Texas man I just have so much fun when I'm here I see so many friends thanks for coming out I was in Bakersfield California Wednesday night boy you people think you're stupid last time I was in Austin was the first time I've ever blatantly been offered a three-way and I turned it down was one of those deals where it was two dudes and me I [Applause] don't even watch two and a half man we flew in from Los Angeles and we're going through LAX and go through screening and this guy's just losing his [ __ ] mind cuz I guess he doesn't travel that much you're not used to this equipment and he's just going crazy you know you can have fun with that you can do what I do I take two viagra and demand a pat-down what's that your pants mr. white I have no idea you're gonna need to Pat that down pat it back up again give it a couple twists see if it took to anything you might want to go wash your hands I started this tour this summer in Las Vegas and while I was in Vegas I broke this tooth off at the gum line in an alcohol swimming pool were later yes again [Applause] I had a show to do in four hours it was a drunk and missing a tooth it looked a little unprofessional not to me but to the fine folks at the Mirage you goddamn sure did I told him I said you got to get a dentist to patch this up I will not go on stage looking like this because this tooth doesn't look that big until it's gone they found that all that dental school this dennis is 14 years old he hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything I'm like dude you turn this gas up and he goes their regulations that stated about a study in which coat one sample and I asked him I said where'd you go to college he goes Brigham Young [ __ ] dude turn it up to Catholic never let a Mormon say you're buzzed level never don't do it and I'll tell you why they don't understand [ __ ] up the way you and I do they go they're guessing and their shitty guessers when he got through with the procedure you can still tell which tooth he worked on because it was a different color my teeth look like Indian corn I had to go to my dentist who's pitching veneers for my teeth because he says I'm doing a widescreen high-definition television which is nobody's fresh damn that every actor I know in Hollywood rather have low definition narrow screen TV so they look thin and fuzzy instead of clearly fat I would like to see my dick on the last king KP that way I quit looking at it through my reading glasses [Applause] put these on baby it looks bigger than for you I had no idea expensive premieres were man they wanted to do a teeth on the top and six teeth on the bottom and I was like well how much that cost he says $27,500 [ __ ] how much is dental school I'll teach my mother how to do it you're going back to college mom I never went to college Ravis be fun for you then there was a weird week and I knew it was gonna be a weird week because it started off weird I was going to go to Vegas a day early to do some media and I wanted to see the show called love it's also at the Mirage beetle circus Olay show fantastic [ __ ] child and so I was talking about my wife and I living in Atlanta and Hollywood and we were out in California and I said I'm leaving today at 3:30 to go to Las Vegas and I have an airplane that you guys bought me I like it a lot [Applause] I have some fortune 500 company in America let go their private jets not wrong my [ __ ] I'm flying this son of a [ __ ] straight into bankruptcy I guarantee one day I'll be living in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet and I leveraged it with weeds growing through it I'll be in the front seat you'll push me around huh and I don't come for money I come from the opposite of money I come from no money ten years ago I lived in a camper my friend's backyard he didn't even know I was there he went even a nice camper was like a homemade pop-up camper like somebody who duct-tape the tent to a golf cart I had a 20-inch Coleman television I had to pump it up your commercials you couldn't watch porn on it because nobody's actual hurting him [Applause] I would broke I hire as a bunch of money because I don't understand how that works confusing when I started doing stand-up they said that made me an independent contractor and they said I need to start filing my taxes quarterly which I thought meant every 25 years my brain won't wrap itself around shifts that complicated my brain does this that's it that's all it does I have attention deficit disorder have learning disabilities I don't have a high school diploma I'm smart but you can't prove it on paper I do have a GED and if you don't know what GED stands for you probably got one too anyway I told my wife and said I'm leaving today 3:30 to go to Vegas my wife singer-songwriter composer Mario raised her name and a brilliantly talented woman and she says well I'm working with a guitar player in the studio till five o'clock you can't wait till 5:30 so I can fly with you and I said can you be there at 5:30 and she said yes which I knew was a lock to do the biggest liar in my life when it comes to how long it's going to take her to get somewhere I hear on the phone all the time just learn through teases we're two exits away traffic's really heavy we should be there in 15 minutes like you're in the [ __ ] bathtub we wouldn't be there in 15 minutes if we were where you said we were but I told us that you get there 5:30 you fly with me but let me tell you something sugar tits at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am [ __ ] on I said that not very loud but I said it 5:31 gets there is she there no do I leave no 601 gets there is she there No do I leave no why because this dick won't suck itself that's why I won't I've asked you to many many times in fact the other day I sat my dick down I looked him straight nine and ass in listen I know I've drugged you into some pretty muddy [ __ ] in the last 35 year left need you to get past that learn how to suck yourself so I can grow a spine and get on my goddamn life [Applause] it went in one ear and out the other my dick has ears it has an eye and it has two ears in a double chin mr. Potato dick the cutest thing ever saw I got a little outfit to put on one of them's a raincoat not a condom a rank a little yellow slicker with that hat looks like that fish and chips dude it's the exact same size as the one on the box that's just an interesting fact what is it run an interesting back anyway so we go see love and beetle circus eleisha a huge fan of beetles I just love their music always have and cirques always fun and there are shows are at the same time so I've never been able to see it I got eight people from my cam their wife sitting next to me we have great seats because I work for the Mirage and everything's perfect except right behind me these two chicks are just jabbering not about to show just jabber and Jamie gamer can't shut up Jamie Jamie woman [ __ ] up gaben [ __ ] ever [ __ ] gamer gamer the kind of chicks that could talk around a [ __ ] although I thought my own APO picked that goddamn dream though I'm akalitis live alone hearts apart of a blog I come on one more time that maybe got a shitty diaper after anything I'm all goddamned I'm gonna go to swap meet in a dress wearing our beat on Sunday with Laurel Hall whoa and I turn around and look I notice their husbands were with him I figure they're at a gun show trying to find a way out of this [ __ ] thing [Applause] well that's way better I hear the guys sitting next to him go hey could you hold it down my family's trying to watch the show and she goes [ __ ] you we paid our money whatever the hell we want now I'm just steaming [ __ ] piss they're ruining my goddamn night I can't hear anything with that I've been waiting for a year to [ __ ] see this show and I turned around and very politely don't start with me very politely I said lady talking to her life theater as far as social skills goes is like [ __ ] in the street because you better mind your own business I said you better quit [ __ ] in the street because I'll have you thrown out of here and if you don't quit flapping your [ __ ] dock holder everybody heard that before is a little disturbance right behind me very few people for every to that one then 1,700 people hear me go if you don't wet flapping your [ __ ] [ __ ] off this all had a show called love by the way had her murdered and buried the better thanks baby careful who you [ __ ] with and legend has it if you go out into the desert and the moon is full and the wind dies down you can still hear jabber in I'm a street shooter I'm [ __ ] in the street did you what the [ __ ] was that but that's that chick Ron kill they call this jabber Gulch my favorite thing about playing Vegas and they get to play this golf course called shadow Creek which is one of the most exclusive golf courses in the world I work for him three years didn't even know it existed because they knew if I found that it existed that I pestered the [ __ ] out up until they put it in my contract which is exactly what happened it's amazing this golf course is just [ __ ] so tricked out the first time I walked through the gate I was like nobody's stopping me it's where all the pros play when they're in Vegas and I was after this summer and Tiger Woods is out there just digging her Hannah I'm a sign my golf love I got to be the most famous person I've ever met and I know a lot of famous people but nobody who's famous Tiger Tiger Woods I love Tiger man I defended Tiger when all that stuff first came out when I heard those initial rumors I felt sick to my goddamn stomach for the guy because I've never been a huge to do it anything I didn't do not one goddamn time I did it every single time not once could I go no that was Glen Campbell hey a lot of things smell like strippers and I defended him to my wife as he you don't know what this guy's been through in his first famous golf shot on television when he was 2 years old you don't know when his home laughs like he can't judge the guy because he made one mistake and he just got number 13 14 15 and 16 I started going goddamn tiger come on buddy and it got to the point where every time he got caught with another woman my wife would go like this why I don't even know the [ __ ] guy you act like I was holding his dick the whole time we watch to make that long apology on television and afterwards my wife goes with easy guy like Tiger can quit cheating on his wife and I said you bet what you know is [ __ ] because you know as well as I do if a guy likes trains getting them to quit one strange it's like getting the dog who likes to kill chickens to quit killing chickens they don't even know what you're talking about you got to quit killing chickens all right let me see if I got this true I can still cure chickens no you get your chickens anymore alright let's say I'm in a hotel room with the chicken let's say the chicken just wants to touch me can I kill that chicken no my wife told me all women want the same thing they want to marry somebody who will never have sex with anybody else no matter what I said well then maybe you should consider marrying somebody that nobody else wants to [ __ ] if it means that much to you don't marry the most famous golfer in the world marry the most famous frisbee golfer in the world ain't no LAN - [ __ ] that dude we had a chat about cheating that day when my wife told me she goes listen Ron let's get this straight sex is sex period I said no now wait a minute oral sex is not the same as intercourse because it's the exact same thing I said it's not the same price [Applause] I heard that on the radio it all comes down to opportunity man some guys are put into a position where they have to say no to beautiful women and that is hard to do and some guys are never put in that position and that's way [ __ ] easier I see these big 350-pound guys all the times when I've never cheated on my wife I'm like I bet that was tough Tiger doesn't get any credit for all that puss that you turned down and that's the number you're looking for right there my wife's best friend her husband cheated on her and my wife hates Tigers guts and I'm like well what about that guy you don't hate that guy she goes he did it one time I said he had one chance this guy had sex with a hundred percent of the women he possibly could his entire goddamn life Tiger was 18 for 82,000 that takes a little goddamn discipline right there if 82,000 women want to have sex with you and you only [ __ ] 18 of them that's love he was in love with that woman she broke his tiny Tiger heart he lost all those sponsors which never made sense to me his core fan bases men I don't know one guide America gave him a Fiddler's [ __ ] what he did I guarantee it not one guy in America went really Tiger got some strength [ __ ] up dropping 18 now one guy gave me Fiddler's [ __ ] now when they were around their wives and act like they gave a Fiddler's [ __ ] get all foghorn leghorn why I never I can't believe a man would commit such transgressions for his wife I say I say how's his relationship with the Lord I'd like to know that as soon as they're on their buddies like wondering what kind of Cologne he wears I want to smell just like that dude man he lost so many sponsors I'm thinking about bringing him over to Ron wine Inc and not because we need a new face for the company I just love to have somebody around the house to fade the heat when I [ __ ] up Ron White you are the most selfish prick I have ever met in my life Tiger get in here you tell her what you did [Music] Ron watt you are the finest man I have ever known I shall fall to my bended knee and suckle your peanuts well thank you very slow down watch out for those ears my new year's resolution this year was to lose some way and try to get in better shape and I was working out yesterday and I hurt map fat I sprained my fat roll everybody might camps on my ass about taking better care of myself I'm like what my wife bought me a bicycle thing and I'm I ride it it's for sale it's good deal - it's like new it's got 750 yards on it my wife wants me to start doing yoga with her I said like baby I'm not that flexible hun she goes you bend over and touch your toes game is it the only way Dutch my toes somebody cuts a mountain hands up to me I can't even stand on one foot let somebody shining a flashlight my [Applause] I thought this is funny we were my wife yoga school the other day and they have a vegan restaurant there and my wife goes why don't we eat here we've never eaten here I said fine let's eat here because this dig won't suck itself it's all about compromise folks and I take my tray around all the bean sprout piles and I get to the cash register and my tray is empty and the purple dreadlocks your kid that runs the cash register goes mr. Wein aren't you going to have something for lunch and I said there's just nothing here that I eat he picks up a piece of carrot cake wrapped in cellophane tea hands to me goes try this it's vegetarian the carrot cake is vegetarian yeah so you mean to tell me there's no ham in this because my mother makes a meat lovers carrot cake it's got sausage pepperoni hamburger me not really heart-healthy she serves it with a Lipitor and a stent they have Snuggies now for dogs and I love dogs but if I ever see a dog we're in a Snuggie I'm going to kill it because that's what I think the dog would want me to do I think of all dogs go to heaven Michael Vick's gonna be a little nervous to be missing yeah there's going to be an awkward pause at the pearly gates and really they're all here yeah it seems like they're waiting on you to my I'm gonna slip off to hail Joe bin Laden I said [ __ ] you we got bin Laden man it took ten years of what exactly a calf rope he was in that house for six years with five wives I would have shot my [ __ ] self I'd have had my head out the window screaming it drones going up [Applause] women with little french bulldog named pearl and the other day my wife said I finally figured it out that dog is jealous of me that dog loves you so much she can't stand it if I'm in the same room with you and I said oh don't be ridiculous and she walked into the kitchen and when she did pearl jumped on my stomach and said I can have all your babies at the same time [Applause] she's coming back act like nothing's going on nothing is going on I didn't know whether to buy more of that weed or never smoke it again [Applause] I went with a I got busted with weed in Florida last year less than a gram of weed and they took my happy ass to jail I've been partying in Florida for years I didn't even know they had laws look to me like everybody just run amok down there and I'll run amok with you I will run the [ __ ] out of amok with you they took me to jail them and I tell you what happened I fired these two pilots for being [ __ ] and there were such [ __ ] they started followed my plane around on a software called flight aware and if you know the tail number you can follow any plane in the world anywhere it goes and then right before I'd land in a town they'd call the cops tell them as the drug plane so the cops are come up with me that's pretty [ __ ] funny then they were on the news in Atlanta where I live both of these [ __ ] live on the news going Ron White is out of control he gets drunk on his plane he smokes pot on his plane he has sex on his plane I'm like this is my plane we're talking about right [Applause] no like I did that [ __ ] on a Delta flight for [ __ ] sake [Applause] no my phone's off my wife got pissed at me when I got busted with that we did she smokes pot it's the [ __ ] is up with that I come home she goes you smoke too much pot so no let me get this straight you smoke the correct amount of pie you ever smoked so much pot your wife starts to make sense me either [Applause] I have this reoccurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus does that make me a bad person I'm driving the bus [Music] give me sure she's had enough early last year in Florida SeaWorld of Florida an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale huh turns out there's a reason they didn't name them ocean ponies some things are exactly as they seem folks killer whales kill pilot whales wear dark sunglasses I'm not sure how the sperm whale got his name but I'm not getting in the pool I will got his job back they put that whale back in the show now I when I first saw it on the internet this will be world news wouldn't even news at all they put the whale back of this this whale killed three people this is a serial killer whale and he got his job back if that would happen at SeaWorld in Texas that way I would have gone straight to the [ __ ] electric tool and that's just a regular pool with a toaster thrown in it people think they're expensive to make but it's like 14 bucks you can reuse the extension cord people don't know that get another toaster they busted a sushi restaurant last year and in LA selling whale and they find them two hundred thousand bucks and that is so [ __ ] wrong man to take a 50,000 pound majestic animal and serve it up to tiny slices at a time you [ __ ] oh that's good got any more [ __ ] shall we do we have a [ __ ] road we mega be coming on I don't know I got caught maybe that 14-foot fan hanging out of the dumpster I salute a Crozier red yeah probably shoulda crows a rib I live in Atlanta half the year last summer in Atlanta an idiot teenager was decapitated in a major amusement park in Atlanta on a very famous roller coaster and now what I thought happened was it was all the rides stood up got his head cut off that's not what happened what that was while he was on the ride his hat flew off and when he got off the ride he climbed over two fences and went through two gays telling him not to to retrieve this hat which it turns out he didn't really need after all while that story's dripping with irony mister why the part of the show where I proved my job better than yours cheers you gather fantastic thank you so much for I was at home last week and my nephew called our house and I'd never answer the phone of my house ever and I think it was a prize that I did and as the phone he goes oh cool room is that you I said yeah that's me he was uncle wrong did you know it's okay to be gay just why don't answer the [ __ ] phone in my house right there now it's my problem and where you're right it is okay to be gay do you know what gay means he goes that's where a man likes a man or a woman likes woman but they can't have babies pretty close you believe that six years old this kid knows what game I didn't find out what game until I started hitchhiking [Applause] I wrote a book seven silly secrets truckers just don't want you to know my wife and I are big fans of the reality TV show on HBO called pornucopia sex in the valley the reality show about the pornography industry in the San Fernando Valley which where most of it's made and we bought the for a season whose [ __ ] hilarious and this one episode was about guys that were straight porn stars but they were doing gay porn because it pays five times the money in their air view in this guy he I was in a scene yesterday with five guys at the same time and I'm not even gay I was like you're gay and I am if you can even think of what to do with five dicks at the same time you're way [ __ ] yeah your name I was having new there's a gay part of my show I was having dinner the other night with this CBS executive and I've known for years great [ __ ] dude man and he's gay and I've never said a word to him about being gay I just knew that it was and we're having dinner in Beverly Hills and talking about a potential show and this chick walks into the restaurant it's la smoke and [ __ ] hot man probably an actress or a model and she was in the old foots means I don't care if she has children I don't think the letters let out but that's what it means she says that a table kind of near us by herself and I had a couple balls alone with the dinner and a couple scotches before that and I was pretty drunk and I said you mean to tell me that that does nothing for you and he looked at and he goes not a thing I say you mean you would rather have sex with me than her not by much [Applause] what if I lost some weight I'm doing yoga and I'm eating ham free carrot cake my dick has ears that's my favorite thing about LA as the people out they're just so goddamn pretty man I'll tell you how it happened back in the 20s they started making movies out there and and when they did all these beautiful people from all over America flocked to [ __ ] out there to be in the movies and they couldn't all be in the movie some one we got regular job but they met those people who were in the movies they got together they had these beautiful babies and those babies grew up and met other babies from the same area and they got together and had even more beautiful babies and almost the exact opposite thing is happening right now in Kansas Kansas is full of ugly quitters have you ever been there it's true those people who live on the [ __ ] west coast their forefathers got on the organ trail that fired hardships you and I can't even dream love with starvation and weathering across the Rocky Mountains not those people in Kansas their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail st. Louis Missouri they got the Kansas said [ __ ] I'm staying here and then we'll [ __ ] that factor all right over there we had a baby it looks like a potato and that potato grew up and met another potato from the same town I brokered APRA Topeka my wife came home from the store the other day she goes I was in the produce department today and this guy told me I was beautiful well maybe he's right you are beautiful yeah but he said well I'm saying and now you're beautiful yeah but he's saying really ever overdraw his checking account you ever drive his brand-new Mercedes straight through the [ __ ] garage door that ever half of that guy it happened to me and I think you're so hot I [ __ ] you anyway and if you're one of these guys going around the grocery stores telling married women they're beautiful hey [ __ ] you kill your own chicken you mother my wife's best friend has an autistic child named Lewis Lewis 12 years old he was a Swedish child I have ever known known him since he was six and we were there House Labor Day Lewis informed me that he was going to run the 40-yard dash for the Special Olympics that went in high school and there where I live in Atlanta and he asked me if I'd come hoot for him and I said Lewis I'd love to come hoot for you I just need to check my schedule and he goes we checked it here clear well then I'm your man Louis and I got to admit I was dreading it then I ended up having fun I thought it was going to be sad that's why I was dreaded it's a celebration is what it is people are tailgating they're not painting their faces in belly's blue but they're cooking sausages getting hammered betting on these races make no mistake about it they are betting on these races and it's not easy to handicap a race you got 17 special needs kids in six lanes you don't know what the [ __ ] gonna happen when they fire that starting bizzle they could scatter stop drop and roll we saw it all that day they're not drug testing these kids [Applause] and they announced the 40-yard dash and I was making a little wager on my man Lewis which I did for 100 bucks and I was looking down at the track I'm up in the stands and I'm trying to figure out which one's Lewis which it needs because they all wear the exact same thing they wear Special Olympics t-shirt special insurance which they got that day but you can wear whatever Footwear you want and Lewis for whatever reason had chosen yellow rubber boots we didn't make sense at first and then it started raining [ __ ] if this thing goes offroad I got a natural mutter and Lewis won the yellow bird that's what I call him now the yellow blurs but he loves that nickname his mother called me other date she does would you please call Lewis the yellow blur put him on the phone you're the Lubner [Music] it's not like professional sports you go to a Lakers game you wave to Kobe Bryant till your arm falls off he won't wave back to you Louis way back to you in the middle of a [ __ ] race he don't give a [ __ ] loose fan-friendly Lewis we'll stop sign an autograph the yellow blur I took my son tater tots to Europe to summer [Applause] let's I'm the 21 years old man he's in college getting his master's an entertainment business a great kid and he's I'm so proud of me smart he's funny he has my brains high-end Peaks without my low-end problems and that's some good goddamn news for dead air and we've been monitoring it he's funny I was doing a corporate gig in Orlando where he goes to college and I was backstage with him I don't get asked to do a ton of corporate use because what do you want your corporate image to be we were hoping for an overweight alcoholic that smokes in cusses let's call Lewis see if Ron's free anyway I'm backstage in the green room with my son and I wear wild socks and because I do people give me bizarre socks for whatever reason and a backstage with my side I'm putting on these weird socks and Marshall goes dad those socks are gay I said chicks dig D socks he goes chicks where those song alright he's my kid you can stop those tests I love his mom and his mom's grades you my second wife and I never argued with her ever but she didn't want to be married somebody that was always going to be on the road the only argument I ever remember having with her was when he was a toddler about whether or not we should spank him and her contention was that if you had an argument with an adult you disagreed with him you certainly wouldn't hit him I said I would have taped peed my face I'm not kidding be in my face she what the [ __ ] happened she busted with internet porn when he was fifteen and I felt so sorry for him she called me just squawk and broke her our offer and I've been horrible for the kid because when I was 15 I was so horny I could jack off to the Sears catalog and that's just big-girl panties and lawnmowers I can't imagine being 15 years old and having an unstoppable stream of pornography piped straight into your goddamn bedroom when I was a kid I had to earn porn man you had to wait till your friend's dad went out of town on business you had to pull down a rickety spring-loaded attic ladder you had to crawl up into a dusty spider rhythm [ __ ] for all space forage through cardboard boxes till you find an eight millimeter reel then what learn how to work a [ __ ] projector that's what and after all that you got silent bushy bored and if there was a soundtrack it was always so [ __ ] up you couldn't understand it oh we know put a little bubble bubble let me give you the baby the baby you gotta stick his finger in her ear now his penis in tahrir watch a movie we had one friend there was two years younger than us and he went she put it in her mouth I didn't know she was gonna put it in her mouth she gonna need to brush her teeth [Applause] not yet but she will watch the film [Applause] note to self put it in her mouth so Lori told me she goes doesn't my class name is because you're going to need to talk to your side about sex it's time and I said well you're right it is if she goes when you're going to do a run a city is going to be at the house this weekend so I'll talk to them in and said okay fine I said Marshall turn off television to turn it off I need to talk to you all right said I want to talk to you about sex Oh dad come on so help you're 15 years old it's time we had this talk and he goes okay I said the clitoris is as sensitive as an eyeball that it that's all I got don't go rub it on a dip is dry turn that TV back old boy what about safe sex dad yes never safe their husbands always come home that's a [ __ ] myth he's so smart man I just can't believe how smart kids are today he can answer any question that you can come up with in two seconds off his phone he's a computer freak anyway but you ask any question I'm at a world geography world history I'm notice all written 300 years ago clearly there it is when I was a kid I had to believe my mother that's it that's all I had mommy where the rainbows come from well 3000 years ago an 800 year old man named Noah was commissioned by the Lord to build a giant ship and all the animals - bye - you try to run that crap by a kid today they're like click-click [ __ ] kliklak porn people [ __ ] on my phone if my mother didn't know they answered to a question I had to go to the library which is a building where they used to store the knowledge now it's just a place where homeless people piss well my mother used to drop me off at the library when I was a kid I was always so intimidated by it because it was so big you had to be quiet because the knowledge is sleeping and you had to learn a decimal system made up by some [ __ ] named Dewey then you had to peruse a hundred thousand square foot building with volumes of knowledge from floor to ceiling ceiling the floor you had to cross-reference Dewey's [ __ ] with the author's name in the card catalog and you finally get to the place where the dollars that you seek is supposed to be and it might not [ __ ] be there where's the knowledge that I seek yes somebody else has got it what are they gonna bring it back they keep it for a month very nickel how am I supposed to learn what I need to know you ask your mother my mother gotta know how to work a projector she's in dental school for [ __ ] sake [Applause] don't try to do the math on that bit it'll just [ __ ] you up the guy actually stopped my show a few weeks ago and he goes when I wait a minute now if this summer you were back in Las Vegas that's when you broke your tooth and that's when your mother went to dental school and now you said mere load you saying your mother's already feeling like butt collector really you had no problem with pearl jumping on my stomach and saying she could have all my babies at the same time but the math on this one joke has got you so [ __ ] up you just have to talk today the internet changed everything and certainly changed the way people love don't buy music you know the difficulty of record industry is on its ear man because what they manufacture became easier to steal than it is to buy and that's just a fact of nature these days and they'll figure it out but I used to sell millions of comedy albums and now it's hard to sell them because it's just so easy to [ __ ] rip it off you know just click click out of my IRA into your a [ __ ] pod when I was a kid you had to get a ride to Sears which is a building you had to find the record Department on your own then you had to cram a 12 inch by 12 inch album down your shorts then you had to spongebob squarepants it with Led Zeppelin to cram down your [ __ ] pants open nobody was gonna catch your head that's stealing music we didn't have viagra you had to like somebody to [ __ ] them I'm kidding you didn't either you didn't either grudge [ __ ] bailout him we didn't have blue mountains on our beer cans to tell you if they were cold you had to open the refrigerator or reach in there and touch that beer can or you'd never know but somebody somewhere with what if we only had some sort of thermostat on each individual hand like a mountains changing the color to see the optimum drinking temperature Thank You Rocky Mountain even though your beer tastes like ass those mountains should turn brown so I tore that's what I do I go from city to city to city to city have done it for 27 years I've been coming to Austin all 27 of those years from the Velveeta round to the last stop for the capital city council club to the paramount to the paramount to the paramount to the paramount is my favorite room with a whole life I get a world I drove with my wife usually and I love the tour of my wife because I'd only have sex with my wife I don't have sex with other women I've been married three times and that has not always been my policy when I was young I used to talk to my cousin's about this race we were going to have to see who gets married first I came in second fourth and seventh I felt like my wife misled me a little bit when we first got together because when we first got together she was all about you know what I don't ever want to have children I'm just one of those women that never felt the urge to give birth and I don't like real diamonds I don't like them because of that Blood Diamond thing you know what I like to do suck dick and cook I like to suck dick and I like to cook in fact when I'm not cooking I'm sucking dick and when I'm not sucking dick I am cooking in fact if there was a way I could suck your dick while I was cooking if we got a stool and you stood on it and I could blow you while I'm scrambling some eggs wearing fake jewelry not having a baby all at the same time [Applause] that would be heaven for me [ __ ] me - cut - five years later she's on the phone with China trying to adopt a baby she got a diamond on her finger was like a solar [ __ ] heating unit I'm jacking off eating the TV dinner [Applause] wonder what she's got under that Snuggie bet she'd make any [ __ ] out of that Snuggie we have a great sex like ever 69 someone so long you start to miss each other then the snow turn to rain I love you april/may Elizabeth and we both use shave [Applause] we did it one time so long it turned into another number what is this a 71 if you're towing my nose what the [ __ ] my wife has a new move in the bedroom my wife's new move in the bedroom is look at me look at me open your eyes Ron look at me and that's a lot of pressure it is to look into the eyes of the woman you love while you're making love and look deep into her soul and still see another woman but the [ __ ] are you doing here I thought you got hit by a bus I'm great at sex I come every time I'm like 4,000 in a row or some ridiculous goddamn number of gifted really I guess my wife's maybe 1/3 as good as me [Applause] I don't think she's trying I asked her the other day what's the [ __ ] problem here baby feeling well for one thing there's a fat sweaty guy laying on top of me will that break my concentration get off me dude I'm trying to come that's not true what I'm about to come I have to focus up a Navy SEAL let me [Applause] afterwards I lay there like a wounded manatee poke him with a stick see if he knew my wife gives the best hand if you ever have a chance first time my wife gave me a [ __ ] my hands when my Mike I'm either having a stroke or this girl knows her way around all liner and I told her where she got finished I said that's the best damn blow job I ever had in my life by a lot and she goes I know it's kind of weird because I used to be not that good at it was talking to my friend Ted the florist lives down the street and I just asked him how he does [Applause] you suck my dick like Ted the florist [Applause] let [ __ ] knows what he's doing I'll tell you that now every time I see Ted a my year old oak the school dude call it tange head to limbs for every occasion [Applause] you could open a head and breakfast well then what would my slogan be food it's the only thing that doesn't suck you guys have been fantastic I'm gonna close with my oh so nobody's watching the dogs I guess I'll try to get pearl to play by my face Pearl's favorite things you can have all my babies at the same time her favorite thing in the world is for me to bite her face because she's like a billy goat [ __ ] elbow or whatever it has no feeling it so if I lay down on the floor sometimes if she didn't do it last show so you have to be quiet shoe if I tell her by my face she'll run and jump up and land your mouth right on my face oh I'll bite it so let's try [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] well that went way better than I thought it would [Applause] now I'm gonna close the show this evening with my dr. Phil story dr. Phil McGraw is a as a friend of mine we play golf together all the time about Los Angeles and he's a great guy you never know we became friends from him being a fan and you never know if you see somebody on TV what they're going to be like in person Doc's a solid [ __ ] dude I guarantee you that he's straight as he can be but he's a great [ __ ] hang and he's a great asset for me my father passed away when I was young and now I'm in this big business world and I could bounce all these things that I have going on off a doc and his 35 lawyers and that's a big deal for me and I'm a really good friends with his son J McGraw anyway the other day I was talking to my son about self-esteem and a few days later I was playing golf at doc and I said doc if you're going to tell somebody one thing to do to make themselves feel better about who they are what would it be and he said finish the things you star and I said well that's that's brilliant and I went home and it was a half a bottle of scotch I think I know what he's getting that that's not my doctor pills story here's my dog fields for every year doc and his family rent a yacht for 12 days in the Mediterranean and that's their vacation it's the only way he can get away you know because he is the most famous person in America he's the most recognizable face six foot four bald dome head poor must that you can spot him from any [ __ ] way and because he seemed so approachable on television and he really is approachable I mean a sweetheart of a dude but people are always anytime he goes out in public there's no wouldn't it and that's fine at first but eventually he will eat the skin off your [ __ ] bones if you can't walk out of your house without somebody going hey my brother all [ __ ] up they're not one of you you said I've just come back here ash ha and that's exactly how it happens I've seen it and so that's what they do well last this summer my wife and I went on vacation to france and monaco and i I you know I need a break too sometimes I do 140 seas a year I worked I do more dates than any other comic the more cities than any other comic work of the day because I just love [ __ ] doing it and 20 minutes from now nobody's going to give a [ __ ] about what I have to say so while they do I believe I'll do a lot of shows so we're we're in france and monaco and have a great time and we're just I'm not really in love with my wife she's so so talented wherever fun live together and and we were there and then one day the phone rings and it's doc and he goes aren't you guys in Monaco and I said yeah because we're gonna be in Monaco tomorrow why don't you come party on the yacht that's it [ __ ] yeah which is what you say if somebody says you want to come party on the yacht you [ __ ] yeah in fact let's try it one time you won't come party on the yacht I don't have a yacht so I was like yeah [ __ ] this is great man we're excited we were down there we were staying at the Fairmont Hotel overlooking a little yacht harbor in Monaco very cool place and we were down there looking at the yachts today before going wouldn't it be cool if you knew somebody to have one of these things you could just hop on it and [ __ ] throw the puck now and and it's everybody shot man this is yacht heaven this is steve wynn job Prince Albert of Monaco Jacques this is that Russian dude with the tiny giraffes anyway they're coming in at 6:30 the next evening so the next morning we wake up next afternoon we wake up and you'll have this amazing lunch we're drinking this a [ __ ] great wine from France probably could be my guess it's I had to guess and I did have to give France and we're just having a great great day sex and just a [ __ ] and then we go down to the [ __ ] Harbor that evening 6:30 sure enough docked back and in 165-foot yacht oh I'm not sure that's how they do it true BP baby so the only way to get on the yawns to walk on this gangplank to get on the I'm walking on the game-playing going nobody's stopping me and we get on the yacht and there's our friends from California halfway around the world are you [ __ ] kidding me how much fun are we having I'm a hug and a reply there's a bunch of people on yeah well any time I'm hugging you and I'm in and in a strange place what I'm really doing is looking over your shoulder trying to find a bar that's why I'm turning you [Applause] and I see the bar and rap the dead front center of the bar is a bottle of famous black grouse which is a Scotch I started drinking when I was in Scotland we did for the Open Championship at Turnberry and you started looking at what the Scots drink and that's what HOH and I'm like oh yes and there they had a bottle of it on the [ __ ] it's kind of hard to find and the bartender pulled me up big ol glass of whiskey way bigger than this one and I'm like I'm in such a great mood it tasted better than I ever tasted any [ __ ] Scot everyone like Lord was that that tastes like butter honey aged in Lindsay Lohan's [ __ ] [Applause] it tasted so good I decided to skip dinner and just have a couple more of them I'm gonna scare me up another one of these on world or that whoa about one more five I had a drink since lunch I was looking thirsty I was going at it you know and Doc noticed I was really drinking hard and he goes boy you're really drinking tonight Ron I said yeah doc sometimes it just tastes like spring water he goes why don't you just drink spring water Ron I don't know I'm not a [ __ ] doctor [Applause] so this is going on four [ __ ] hours album now they really love Margot they're really really love my wife Margo Margo sung on dr. Phil show a few times and they go everywhere to see her and Margo's at four and a half octave classically trained opera singer that sings rock roll and jazz and whatever she's been singing here for years and and Robin McGraw loves to go to my wife into singing and my wife loves to be goaded into singing so they make a great little [ __ ] team so we're on the back of this shot and Robin goes come on Marco same forest and gets up there's people on the back partying on all these jobs and bars on the pier people out there and Marco gets up and she sings that they love jazz in france and monaco they have jazz clubs all over the place and she gives up and she sings a jazz standard at full voice which i had i don't get to hear her singing at full boys she sings around the house but not in full voice and when she's in a full voice it makes me cry and then oh no and she finishes the first song at full voice and people stand up on the back of all these jaws and start cheering there yeah and like oh how cool is this man they really dig jazz I forgot how much they dig jazz she gets up sings another song [ __ ] screaming and then people are gathering up around the back of the boat by song for there's 400 people behind this boat listening to her sing you could hear a pin drop just like this pin drop and she just killing it and I have a little secret I'm [ __ ] hammered man I am so drunk I can't even believe it my [ __ ] self how drunk I am [Music] and I was I would take it I got get a drink and I take one little sip out of it I talked somebody I looked back and it's empty anybody else bring down this glass miscalculations anyway she does seven or eight songs and she goes okay guys that's enough and she sits down and doctor goes well Ron you want to do something now I got to preface this with he's on vacation with his best friend and head lawyer and his wife Mary Pat their Baptist from Dallas and they're a little buckets tray and they're about to find out my secret about 20 years ago I was doing a bit that was so filed that I only did it for about a week and I just quit doing it I'm like it's not the direction I want to take my crown for my show and I have no idea when I picked that night to dust her off and take her for a spin [Applause] the other day I was ticked [ __ ] Mamie Eisenhower right before I came my dick slipped and went straight down the trachea to here's the moral question do you pull out or dump a load into our lungs yachts are pulling up anchor on both sides up as fast as they can pull them up hang anything negative that they're leaving the harbor so fast as a surfable wait there's a stampede of tiny giraffes diving off the pier swimming towards the ocean and certain death people pulling her kids off the pier I went I don't think they heard me I'm gonna do it again doc goes ass enough out of here on and Margo's tapping me out there been tapped out she's come on baby time to go she's seen it come on honey let's just go back to the hotel it's time for us to go come on baby baby let's just go back hotel come on run it's no snap never sleeping together and I speak fluent drunk that means I don't know why I want to have a wonder why you want to leave I'm having a perfectly good time turns out there with the consensus Emily okay I'll leave now the only way to get off the ship is to walk back off that gangplank and it said at the end of the gangplank there's an 18 inch drop off and my wife's in front of me Margaret is in front of me and I get to the end of the gangplank dock those big star on a zit thanks doc thinking I've made a big step toward something [ __ ] I don't know he's a big psychologist not me [Applause] it's amazing how much speed you could pick up in 18 inches it's nothing like falling over on the same level that you're already on I slammed down to that [ __ ] pier I landed square on this elbow dislocated this shoulder put a 4-inch gash down the back of my arm and I was so drunk I just bounced off that pier [Music] fade to black I wake up the next morning with the shoe buddies all I do is lay there and bed you buddy I can't move my shoulder buddy my shirt stuck to my arm with blood and giraffe hair and whatever the [ __ ] else you find on a beer [Applause] see buddy I have a wet Jolly Rancher in my armpit sour apple had to cut it out with a pair of scissors you almost can't eat them after that [Applause] she buddy a slowly open my aching [ __ ] highs and there's Margo what happened you got really drunk last night Ron what'd I do well you did the tits [ __ ] Mamie Eisenhower story did Mary Pat laugh [Applause] Mary Pat left is what Mary Pat did see buddy you think that everybody's back over to party on the yacht today because I don't know what's gonna happen now Ron I don't know walks out of room slammed the door and I just start berating myself I'm like you know why you do that well why don't you get some drunk it ruins things for other people why can't you just drink like a regular goddamn person is that too much to ask you have a wonderful son and a beautiful wife a great career why don't you make some changes in your life that I make a difference in the long run about then the phone rang and it was dog and he goes you guys are going to come party on the yacht I said [ __ ] yeah thanks for playing along I've never before for a better crowd in my god damn boy bless your hearts for listening so intently [Applause] you

Channel: Ron White's

Views: 1,247,954

Keywords: Ron White - A Little Unprofessional 2013, preview, trailer, video, stand-up, worlds funniest comedians, a little unproffessional, jeff foxworthy, the cable guy, larry the cable guy, snl, ron white a little unprofessional, ron white comedians, stand up comedy, ron white you can't fix stupid, stand up special, you, can't, fix, stupid, full, show, best, ever, stand-up comedy (tv genre), sketch, comic, comedy, america, USA, full show, full movies, Ron White, A Little Unprofessional

Id: oR7v-enA428

Length: 88min 24sec (5304 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 15 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/cellis12]

Every time I watch him, he seems to have a drink nearby lol. He's a great comedian too, the guy's hilarious.