(cracking tones) - Hi there, adults. And hi there, kids, or
child-like adults, I'm Roger. And I'm here to sell you
a sack of industrially fragmented bread, or corn, or rice. At Horton Mills, we put
every one of our sacks into a colorful thin box, because you decided that makes it better, even though it changes nothing. I hope you'll choose my carb slabs when you're in your grocery
store's entire aisle dedicated to carb slabs, a food we've only all agreed is normal for about 100 years. You see, much like the
classic American car, breakfast cereal was invented
in turn-of-the-century Michigan by racists. Those racists built
communes called sanitariums, where they pushed healthy eating habits that they just sort of made up. And their most popular
scientific fan fiction was that eating bland
fiber piles every day can save your body from the
two worst things in the world, being constipated and
thinking a thought about sex. That's how these wheat lumps
got invented, for real. And thanks to decades of successful PR, millions of Americans
start their day with a meal of pro-BM anti-erection propaganda lumps. Lumps which are part of
a balanced breakfast. Assuming you need enough
calories to dead lift a car. If you don't need that
much, this is pretty much a bowl of carbs, powdered
vitamins, and cholesterol. It's the number four source
of added sugar in US foods, behind soft drinks, desserts, and candies. And its only clear health benefit is that it might stop you from
eating again till lunch. It's up to you, we aren't
thinking about that. We're too busy thinking
about child psychology. Our kids/nostalgics
product isn't just packed with a couple cookies'
worth of sugar per bowl. We also load it with the colors, textures, and mouth feel our team
of eggheads considers the most dependency forming. Then we carpet bomb
children's media with our ads, focus grouped our mascot down
to the last cardboard stamped pixel, and printed thousands
of these colorful printed shapes in a foreign country. Also, each of our boxed grain
bags can contain a bribe made from the liquid corpses of dinosaurs. We even figured out our
box's average position on a store shelf and tabulated
your child's average height to triangulate the exact angle
where this slobbering cartoon mug's gaze will look your eight
year-old right in the eye. - That's good! - Well, I wouldn't say it's good, but it certainly is effective. So obey your child's
economically mandated wishes. Leave your house and drive somewhere to buy them a boxed bag
of industrially fragmented sugar bread, then drown it with a liquid that leaks from a cow's breasts. And get yourself a boxed bag, too, because society says you literally can't begin the day without it. I'm Roger, by the way. Ah, I loathe the smell of
market research in the morning. Oh, formerly popular
cartoon character monster, you have been replaced by
a spaceship captain turtle. - Goddammit. Can I at least keep the lion suit? - Oh, you're sentimental. Or it for sex stuff? - Yeah, for sex stuff. - Wanna hang out later? (purrs) (whistling) Hey, thanks for watching. Please like us, please subscribe, uh, and you can get more Cracked content if you subscribe and tell us what you'd like us to parody below.
this hurts me