If Every Famous Diet Idea Was Honest - Honest Ads

what you'd like to be able to eat your favorite foods and still lose weight well if you buy my patented diet program membership or diet app or prepackaged diet food thing or whatever diet II diet diet stuff I'll tell you that you can and you will believe me I I'm Roger and you're going to pay me to help you lose body mass for a brief period of time in an unhealthy way just to gain it all back and then you'll pay me to do it again don't believe me talk to our celebrity spokesperson from a TV show that was big in the 90s she was once an icon but society doesn't embrace aging so now her job is to get smaller in size right hi I was a famous person in the past and now I get paid $33,000 per pound I lose to say things like I love and use this product I love and use this product mmm chemicals wonderful just wonderful is he the average celebrity who we hire to lose weight with our program makes between 500,000 and 3 million dollars for depleting fat using our program what a great gig next fast food companies will glom on to whatever new eating habit we're selling to you gluten free low carb you name it like this average Joe who only ate sandwiches for three years fast food will claim to be on board the diet train thanks to him it wasn't that product that made him too small to fit into his pants he just stopped eating unhealthy amounts of food technically you can stuff any amount of edible items into your talk hole as long as you limit it but it won't make you healthy and the sandwich company doesn't care they'll mark hit the crap out of his shrinkage unless he reveals he's a skis bag then they'll drop him faster than you can say it's not healthy to lose that amount of weight that quickly just by eating sandwiches anyway beat it monster but if these celebs and average joes don't do it for you we'll just shame you shame you for ingesting anything that's outside of our program because that's being bad naughty or unhealthy but if you eat my fat-free sugary chocolate-covered stay a puffed rice snack bar then we'll applaud you in fact our entire program will be designed like a video game where you get badges and reward points for getting in shape will even make apps where we'll track your steps exercises everything you eat your location you know like a super creepy Big Brother type thing and we'll make you think you can exercise away that late-night cupcake you crushed inside your saliva maker last night because my garbage puff bar made you crave sugar but you cannot Jazzercise that cupcake which is fine for us because we have a badge for that too look at that neat badge it's distracting and fun because if we didn't give you some sort of cutesy badge or virtual high five you'd get bored and defeated and we don't want your bored and defeated we want you to keep giving us money forever as your body shape morphs back and forth by the way the rice puffs bar is now unhealthy but try our new gluten-free full fat paleo square of crusty meat see how we keep changing what's considered good for you that's how we get it because a hundred and eight million people are dieting just in the US and they try and fail and try and fail four or five times a year than if you do lose weight 95% of you will gain it back within three years we literally design our programs for failure however if you earn that weight back it's you who failed not our program never our program you're a failure because you can't maintain an unrealistic masticating and exercise pattern for the rest of the time you spend breathe oops looks like paleo bars aren't good anymore now you should buy my liquid diet you'll literally piss out your poop hole all because your body is freaking out and doesn't know what to do it's going into starvation mode since you keep switching from unhealthy diet to unhealthy diet making it harder for you to lose weight your body is just trying to keep you from starving but we've helped you develop a complex about feeding yourself it's something you have to do or you'll die and I sell you strategies and products that make it seem legitimate to starve yourself on and off when if you really wanted to get healthy you just eat moderately and exercise moderately and accept that your body will never be what you deem is perfect but will never tell you that come on go ahead and eat my grain free vegan paleo allergen free raw non-solid bar it's $25 and I guarantee you'll lose weight eating it hey guys thanks for watching that video seems like you like watching stuff that's the case please come to UCB Sunset theater and see me Jack O'Brien and my not brother Daniel O'Brien and other crack people presumably along with Georgia Hart Stark and Karen Cole Gareth the hosts of the my favorite murder podcast as well as guests on one of our most popular episodes of the crack podcast we're gonna be talking about murder we're gonna be talking about mayhem we're gonna be talkin serial killers we're gonna be talking and urban legends that happen to be true we're gonna those are mostly synonyms I've just heard that listing things is good for punctuating your sales pitch anyways it is January 14th 7:00 p.m. be there or be murdered I can't say that kinda

Channel: undefined

Views: 2,334,502

Rating: 4.9501176 out of 5

Keywords: Atkins, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Paleo, Diet, weight loss, obsetity, crash diets, fat, honest ads, honest trailers, screenjunkies, cracked, cracked.com, sketch, comedy, funny, spoof, humor, satire, hilarious

Id: llwwKkuy5gI

Length: 6min 16sec (376 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 02 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/WellmeaningDunce]

It is so funny and also explains the false logic of diet culture well! If you’re struggling with thoughts of feeling like you should diet in the new year, maybe this will help you combat the lies :)