If Tampon Ads Were Honest (Also Maxi Pads & Other "Feminine Products")

- Hello ladies. When you are experiencing the effects of your monthly menstrual cycle, does blood come out of your vagina at the most inconvenient times? Are you tired of ruining your best clothes? Does the idea of playing sports or even just standing up and feeling like a jellyfish glorped out of you make you nervous? Hello. My name is Roger Horton, and I'm here to sell you our Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks. Our Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks are pretty good at soaking up a majority of that monthly shedding of uterine lining, and we think you'll be moderately pleased with how they improve your life. We want you to know that your shark week will be mostly mess free when you use our absorbent sticks. (laughs) And we'll never say period. We'll always use a slightly embarrassing or straight up shaming euphemism for the thing that almost every fertile woman has to do. To convince you to buy our product we're currently playing trendy, upbeat music while simultaneously inundating you with images of active and seemingly carefree young women who are not currently experiencing the effects of menstruation. This will make you wish to also be happy and carefree while not currently experiencing the cramping, nausea, headaches or whatever personal effects of menstruation you get which is obviously something that our fluffy, absorby stick simply cannot deliver. During this time when you are, as they would say in Spain defrosting the steak. You know because your period is similar to a dead, bloody, slab of meat, see? Everyone, everywhere agrees that your menstruation is too disturbing and shouldn't really be discussed. So we promise to never show red in our commercials for absorbent vaginal discharge products. Anything that would normally be described as red such as blood, we are committed to always portraying as blue. We also promise to exclusively represent your period with vague images of squiggly lines, bouncing balls, and balloons. You know, because men could be watching this, and we don't want to ick them out. Unless you are younger than 10 to 14 years of age which is when most women experience puberty. Every potential baby carrier is intimately familiar with the menstrual cycle. If your egg hasn't been fertilized by a male's sperm, your body will shed the bloody, viscous lining of its uterus. Menstrual blood then oozes out of your uterus through a small opening in your cervix and gushes out of your vagina. Gross. We know. No one wants to sit around in a sticky cavern of discomfort which is why you should buy our Vaginal Blood Soak 'Em Up Sticks. Our Soak 'Em Ups are made with real, non-organic cotton and rayon along with synthetic fibers such as viscose rayon which is added to increase absorbency. That's why our sticks can carry more than 20 times their weight in blood. Viscose rayon is just a fancy word for wood pulp. We prepare this pulp for your vagina by using the disinfectant chlorine dioxide. This process produces trace amounts of dioxin which is known to cause reproductive and developmental impairment. But don't worry because the FDA says that dioxins in our absorbent blood sticks exist at extremely low levels and are hardly detectable. So keep sticking those chemicals up there ladies. Hey. Did you know that in Denmark your period is called Communist in the Gazebo? Get it? Because communists are red, and so is menstrual blood. Anyway, our competitors may claim that their product is made by a female gynecologist but not me. Because I am a man. Which is why you can trust that I created products designed to keep your Aunt Flo as discreet as possible. Heads up. Look, gals. The truth is that menstruation is a bodily function just like pooing or peeing. Most modern women experience an average of 450 menstrual cycles and are expected to use at least 10,000 hygienic blood sticks during the course of their child bearing lifetime. So you might as well stop complaining about it and buy our product. Hell, we'll even tack on a luxury tax even though you have to buy this. I mean you could always just suck it up, right? Just be sure not to leave our sticks of blood absorbing fabric shoved up inside of you for too long. Otherwise you may run the risk of developing Toxic Shock Syndrome, or TSS, which is a rare but life-threatening bacterial infection. But if you don't want to shove a potentially poisonous blood rag into your who-ha, we're happy to also offer new Horton Family Blood Absorbing Diaper Stickers. Simply take one of our stickers off of its adhesive backing, apply it to the inside of your underwear, and allow yourself the luxury of just simply sitting in a pool of room temperature liquid all day. But don't worry we have a luxury tax for that too. You and your luxurious blood puddle. So the next time you are riding the crimson wave pick up a box of The Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Soak 'Em Up Sticks. Because they're probably better than wearing nothing. Crimson wave was a clueless reference. I'm Roger, by the way. Not sure if I mentioned that earlier.

Channel: Cracked

Views: 1,892,770

Rating: 4.9083405 out of 5

Keywords: Cracked, cracked.com, sketch, comedy, funny, spoof, laugh, satire, parody, hilarious, spoofs, Roger, Horton, Honest Ad, Honest Ads, Honest, commercial Parody, commercial parodies, commercial spoof, commercial spoofs, I’m roger by the way, Hi I’m roger, tampon myth, periods, cycles, tampon commercials, period commercials, tampax, kotex, moon cup, period kit, tampon vs pads, ok boomer

Id: xi8u9DcC0_Q

Length: 5min 38sec (338 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 04 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/DebiMoonfae]

Soakem up stix

This was awesome, first time I’ve watched this one but I think I’ve seen something similar in the past. Always get a kick out of “commercials” that are real about the products.

[u/borborygmus81]

Jellyfish glorp!

[u/WhatitsonlyWednesday]

Ugh, the accuracy...

[u/souldust]

Hell, I'm sold, and I don't have uterun blood leaking out of me once a month.

[u/sauteslut]

'Glorp' is such a great word

[u/Knoberchanezer]

I miss Cracked

[u/Inwestigator]

I am Roger by the way...

[u/dididothat2019]

Commercial breaks now seem this long, too. Lol

[u/kiechbepho]

Got excited for a minute, then realized this was a year old.