(groovy music) (book slamming) - [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the one and only Josh Blue.
(cheering) - All right, thank you. Thank you. That's good, thank you. Wow. Thank you guys so much. Now I'm deaf as well. (laughing) That's great. Thank you guys so
much for coming. I gotta tell you, I'm
not actually from Denver, but I look like I am. (laughing) Just another wobbly
guy on the sidewalk. (laughing) I'm a comedian. I made $8 walking over here. (laughing) Thank you. I grew up in Minnesota, and if you've ever heard
anything about Minnesota you know it's cold AF, and believe the hype.
(laughing) When I was in high school, I went out to my bus
stop one morning. I was out there for like,
10 minutes before I realized that there wasn't another
living creature anywhere. (laughing) Couldn't hear any
cars or anything. I fought my way back
inside and the radio said it was negative 70
with the windchill, (laughing) and the state was shut
down and I was like, what the fuck, Mom? (laughing) She's like, well I thought
you'd figure it out. (laughing) I hate ice too. Ice is the worst, man. Palsy on ice is pretty terrible, (laughing) although I'm pretty sure
I can make a lot of money with a show called Palsy on Ice. (laughing) Just get a bunch of us
and push us out there. Ahh! (laughing) Last one standing
gets the helmet. (laughing) Heavy as shit, made
of concrete, like uh. You don't keep the
helmet for long. I was wondering why
people live in cold places like the Midwest, like Nebraska. Like, why are there towns there? (laughing) I think what happened
is back in the day, you got this ambitious family, got some new ox,
you're like, all right. We're gonna walk until we find the end of this big ass field, (laughing) and then nine months later,
you're like, okay new plan. (laughing) How about we stop when
we see a tree, huh? (laughing) It'd be nice to live
by a tree, wouldn't it? (laughing) Then you just keep pushing
on and one day you realize, oh, everyone in
the wagon's dead. (laughing) Yeah, fuck it,
let's build a town. Gonna have to start
with a cemetery, (laughing) and just pray that mammaw
and pappaw don't fall out, (laughing) and little Ricky. Too far with the
little Ricky part? (laughing) I feel like I'm playing
Oregon Trail, man. Little Ricky died of dysentery. Some of you guys know
what I'm talking about. (cheering) The rest of you are like,
it's Oregon, you dumb fuck. I went to a powwow
over the summer. It was a beautiful thing, man. You ever get a chance,
you ought to check it out. When I was on the reservation, I learned that the
Ojibwa people don't point with their finger because it's
disrespectful to the spirits, so the way that they
point is with their lips. Something like, it's over there. (laughing) Well, I gotta tell you,
ever since I learned that, I've been doing it
way too fucking much. (laughing) Be like, ooh girl,
I like your shoes. (laughing) Ah, check out that ass. (laughing) Oh, I think it's just a pony. (laughing) Hey, come over here. (laughing) Thank you, (laughing) and you. (laughing) I'd point at everyone but
that would take too long. Maybe, like, a
sweeping point like, (laughing) and one for the sound guy. (laughing) I'm hooking everybody
up tonight, shit. I was coming in here,
this dude ran up to me on the street just outside. He goes, hey man,
did I see you on TV? I was like, well how the
fuck am I supposed to know? (laughing) If you don't know, shit. (laughing) It feels good to
laugh, doesn't it? (cheering) I feel like when
you're laughing, you're not thinking
about your shitty life. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. No, life ain't shitty. I know we all have
our tough times, but the way I look
at it is every day that I get to wake
up and be alive, I just try to live
the shit out of that. (cheering)
(applauding) Well, the truth is we're
all gonna die, right, and probably some of you soon. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. (laughing) That's the thing,
nobody knows, man. You don't know, I don't know. Little Ricky didn't know. (laughing) He just thought he had rickets. I've always loved
making people laugh. I feel like it's my
way of helping people, although when I was
a kid I didn't know I could help people
through laughter, 'cause usually it just
got me in trouble. Just giggled my way
through another funeral. (laughing) Sorry, Grandpa. That was my hamster's name. (laughing) I've been to a lot
of hamster funerals. Yeah, back when I was
trying to figure out if I wanted to be a
serial killer or not. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. (laughing) I don't, I don't. I figured it out. (laughing) Rough decade in
there, but whatever. I'm better. No, I've always
loved helping people, like when I was a kid, I
had some older neighbors. I'd go over and shovel the
grass or mow the sidewalk. (laughing) Some of my early performances. (laughing) My audience is just
my poor old neighbor mumbling to himself. That boy's either really
delayed or very advanced. (laughing) Let me tell you, there's
a fine fuckin' line, (laughing) and I'm on it. I just don't know
which way to fall. (laughing) Probably the delayed side. Advanced seems like
more responsibility. Delayed, you don't
gotta worry about the cable bill or nothin'. (laughing) I was so helpful
when I was a kid. I used to go help strangers. I'd see somebody in need, I'd
just go offer my assistance, but what I've learned is
that since I've been able to grow a beard, strangers
will not accept my kindness. (laughing) Yeah, let's say you get
your car stuck in a ditch, and then I just happen to be
the first one on the scene, just lumbering towards
your vehicle like ahh! (laughing) I'm here to help. (laughing) You've already been through
a traumatic experience. Now you got yourself
locked in your car, trying to get rid of me through
the crack in the window. I'm fine! (laughing) Oh no, I'm fine. Please, no. Just go on by, I'm fine, really. No, I wanted to be here. Please, please. (laughing) Like, shit, I was just
trying to help, sorry. I just had an incident
with an elderly woman. This lady was pulling
one of those little two-wheel grocery carts, you
know what I'm talking about? Anybody? - [Audience] Yeah! - Oh, okay, cool. Just seeing how far back
I have to take this shit. (laughing) Groceries are food. (laughing) Eat. Eat. Sorry, I should
probably do the act-outs with this hand, eat. (laughing) Eat, was that better? Yeah, I'm just guessing
if you don't know what a shopping cart is,
you're not gonna know what the fuck this
is supposed to be. (laughing) This arm isn't very good
for too many act-outs. Has a very limited repertoire. (laughing) The best act-out
that this arm can do is cat cleaning itself. (laughing) All clean. Wow, if you like that joke, you should see how
I clean my butt. (laughing) You guys look
nervous as shit, man. (laughing) This special ain't that special. I haven't been that
flexible since high school, and boy am I dirty down there. (laughing) I'm what you call a
random shit magnet. I just attract crazy people. My whole life I have. I don't know what it is. Is it my cerebral palsy or
my crazy eyes or my man musk? Something's bringing 'em in. (laughing) Just been chummin' the waters. (laughing) Got some husbands
looking nervous. (laughing) So this little old lady
was having some trouble with her shopping cart. (laughing) Remember? (laughing) From earlier? She was having some
trouble getting her cart up on this curb that
was abnormally high and I too was abnormally high. (laughing) (whistling) I forgot that I look like this. (laughing) I decided that I would just
go give this lady a hand, but just me coming towards her, (laughing) gave her the strength
to pull it up. (laughing) Let's get the fuck out of here. Feels good to help. (laughing) I just did some shows in Reno. You've been there. It's a real shithole, I thought. (laughing) I was there with a
couple comic buddies and we walk around
during the day 'cause we got shit else to do, (laughing) and we heard this guy
screaming from blocks away, but whatever, we're comics. We're just having a laugh, but then the screaming
started to gain on us. (laughing) I was like, oh shit. That dude is mad at us, (laughing) and my buddy stepped
away from me. They're like nah, man. He's mad at you, (laughing) and I still don't know
what I did to piss him off, (laughing) but he really was quite irate. He's cursing me up and down,
like, you comin' here, bitch? (laughing) You ain't shit, you
shaky little fuck! (laughing) And that's how we knew
he was talking to me. (laughing) Now that doesn't hurt
my feelings, you know. That's in fact a pretty
accurate description. (laughing) Shaky little fuck
sums it up, I think. (laughing) Oh man, and he just kept
yelling at me crazy shit at me, and we were just laughing, but then he got to one
that stuck with me. He's like, you ain't
got no fuckin' hobbies! (laughing) I was like, I paint. (laughing) Come on guys, tell him I paint. Trying to negotiate
with a schizophrenic (laughing) on the streets. It's the worst. Ever since he yelled at me,
I've been reflecting on my life. Do I do enough shit on the side? (laughing) Maybe I pick up some
chainsaw ice art, (laughing) or some needlepoint,
I don't know. I actually just bought
a house in Denver, (cheering)
(applauding) but what I just realized
about my new home is that it's located very close to the Purina dog food plant. (laughing)
(oohing) I guess that every time I
went to look at the place, the wind was blowing
in the other direction, (laughing) but now that I live there, you don't just smell dog
food, you're like, oh god. (retches) (laughing) There's a, just a heavy
meat air, like ugh! Ugh, just coats
your palate, ugh. The worst part for me is it just makes me so fuckin' hungry, man. (laughing) Just gets my stomach growling. I'm not happy about it, man. I'm like, it's not
for you, goddamnit. (laughing) Gonna go inside and eat
some people food, shit. (laughing) Just out in the yard. (howling) (laughing) Me and all the dogs
in the neighborhood. I feel bad for the dogs, man. Well, actually I feel
worse for the horses. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. (laughing) It would suck to be a dog
over there, I'm telling you. You know a dog's sense of smell is a million times
stronger than a human's? Can you imagine the
torture they must live in? Where the fuck is it! (laughing) It's everywhere and
nowhere, god damn it. It's like the Viet Cong, man. (laughing) I don't know how a dog
would know that, but. Another thing about my new
house is it's very old. It's built in 1875,
so needless to say it has a lot of projects, (laughing) and ghosts. Little Ricky lives,
I'm tellin' ya. (laughing) I can handle the projects. Ghosts are harder
to deal with, yeah. Duct tape doesn't
fix everything, (laughing) and the pellet gun
hasn't done shit either, (laughing) and I'm telling you, I hit
that little motherfucker. I don't mind doing
home repair stuff. I consider myself to
be a bit of a handyman. (laughing) Oh, thank you, those
of you that were able to stifle your laughter on that. (laughing) A couple of assholes back there. (laughing) Handyman, shit. That's a fun joke for me, 'cause you guys are
like, I want to laugh, but I feel like he was serious. (laughing) Just gonna pretend like I
didn't understand what he said and just hope he moves on. I got power tools
and everything. (laughing) I got a family lives next door. Every time I'm out in the
yard working on a project, the dad comes over, he's like, hey man, you're making
us really nervous. (laughing) I'm like, well how do
you think I fuckin' feel? (laughing) Oh man. Yeah, that's a real
circular saw right there. (laughing) It's plugged in. Watch out, I don't know. Hell, but before
you go home, man, could you help me move
this block of ice? (laughing) You guys 'member? (laughing) From earlier. The other thing about my new
home is that before I moved in, the previous owners took
a smoke detector down that was running
out of its battery so it was making that
sporadic chirp noise. You know what I'm talking about, could be every 30 seconds
or nine days from now. (laughing) No rhyme or reason
to when it goes off. Somehow triggered
by nighttime though. (laughing) First time you hear that
at night, you're like, (mimics snoring) I heard it, I heard it. (laughing) (sniffing) Oh, I think we're fine. (laughing) No point in getting
out of the bed to see if the house is on fire. (laughing) So after these, they put this
smoke detector on a shelf and then when we moved in,
we put a box on the shelf, and then it caused it to
slide down into the crevasse, or as I call it, the
hole of fucking echo. (laughing) I was not able to find it. I don't know how this is
scientifically possible. We could hear it the
same in every room. (laughing) In the basement, sounds the
same as the second floor. By day two, I'm like, okay, is
this why they fuckin' moved? (laughing) Stepped into a Stephen King
novel, awesome, isn't it? (laughing) The Beeping. (laughing) I didn't even have a
housewarming party. I just had a find the
fucking beep party. (laughing) Just all my drunk
buddies standing around bathrooms and hallways like. (laughing) Aw, shit bro. I can't find it, man, (laughing) but for real, why does it
taste like dog food in here? (laughing) Wasn't able to find that either. You said there'd be snacks. This is bullshit. (laughing) (howling) I just did a show in Wyoming. Oh my goodness. We drove there. Well, I didn't drive there. Don't worry about that. (laughing) I've driven four times. I've been in two accidents so, (laughing) just give you an idea of
what I'm working with. Anyway, we're
driving up to Wyoming and in Wyoming there's a
stretch of road for 100 miles that there isn't a gas
station or a rest area or even that fuckin' tree I
was talking about earlier. (laughing) I timed the journey
wrong and I ended up having to pee real bad. I know, everyone's been in
this situation in their life where you're like, okay, this
is about to fuckin' happen. (laughing) Every bump in the road,
I can feel in my bladder. I'm like, (groaning). I was getting very frantic. I was trying to decide
if I was stable enough to pee in a Gatorade bottle, (laughing) but I discovered that
the chip bag was easier, (laughing) although it will take the
crisp out of the chips. (laughing) (howling) I just did a show
where in the audience, there was a woman that
didn't have any arms and I got to party
with her afterward. She's a bad ass, man. Get this, it turns out
that she is a pilot and she flies with her feet. I can tell by the
looks on your faces that you're feeling
the same way that I was when I heard this information, but then she showed me a
video and, fuckin' a, man, (laughing) but to tell you the truth, she didn't even have
to show me the video 'cause when she pulled her
phone out of her pocket with her foot, I was like, okay. (laughing) I can see where you're
going with this. (laughing) No need to take
it to the videos. She was telling me how
she flies with her feet and all that I could think was, they won't even let me sit
in the emergency exit row. (laughing) Some bullshit, and look, you guys, I know
as a fellow disabled person I should be very
supportive of her feat, (laughing) but I gotta tell you guys, I like my pilots
like I like my women. With arms. (laughing) You can call me
kinky or whatever, but it's just what I'm into, and for the record,
she flies for Frontier, (laughing) but for an $85 upcharge, you
could get a pilot with arms. (laughing) Most bullshit airline
I ever seen, man. Would you like to
breathe on the flight? That's an extra 45. I just had this
happen to me again. I was at a restaurant
with a bunch of friends and the server went
around the table and took everyone's order
and then when they got to me they're like, and
what will he have? (laughing) My buddy was like, I'm guessing
a talk with your manager. (cheering)
(applauding) Free dinner! Now that I know
that little trick, I'm walking in there like, uh. (laughing) Table for nine. (laughing) Just two of us. Follow my lead, dumbass. (laughing) Over the years, I've
had some people say that maybe I talk too much
about cerebral palsy in my show and there's a few
reasons I talk about it. Number one reason
is I've come to find if I don't bring it up,
after a little while, the audience is
like, does he know, (laughing) he has that? And another big reason is,
everything I talk about comes from the perspective
of a disabled person, right? This is all that I've ever known and I guess there was
a point in my career where I tried to do my show from a Southern
belle point of view. (laughing) Dear Diary, (laughing) Haven't been right
since Mister Earle left. (laughing) Gotta churn my own butter. (laughing) Fifty Shades of
Blue up in here, so. (cheering) (laughing) I gotta say, you guys are gonna
be mad as hell in 10 years when you find out I don't
have cerebral palsy. (laughing) You guys are gonna be so pissed. I'd love to be a fly on the
wall when that comes out. This motherfucker! (laughing) I knew he was too
funny to be a 'tard. (laughing) Oh, hey, hey. Oh, oh. Don't get mad at me. You said that. (laughing) I don't approve. (laughing) Hurtful, you guys are gonna
have to make it up to me. I have a friend
that's colorblind, and he is surprisingly racist. (laughing) (giggles) (cheering)
(applauding) You guys are finally
putting the pieces together. It's really good, guys,
and just for the record, I don't have any
friends like that, (laughing) that are colorblind. (laughing) People say chivalry is dead,
but I don't believe it, 'cause every time I'm
walking down the street and there's a couple
comin' towards me, the man will move his
lady to the safe side. (laughing) Speaking of romance, I, (laughing) my girlfriend and I
have become friends with the singer
from the Lumineers and we went to his house for
dinner with him and his wife and we're there
and he's telling us how he wrote this hit
song about his wife and my girlfriend was just like, that's just so beautiful,
just so romantic. I'm like, honey I could
write a joke about ya, (laughing) and here it is. (laughing) So my girlfriend's a vegan. I still pork her. (laughing) (whistling)
(cheering) She is so proud, so proud. You know, people ask me how
I practice doing standup and this is it. (laughing) There's a very
important give and take to what we do in here,
you know what I mean? Like, you guys are a very
important part of this. 'Cause think about it. If you weren't here
and I'm doing this, I'm just a lunatic, right, (laughing) and, you know, I am a lunatic, but somehow you being
here makes it okay. (laughing) Thanks for making it okay. (cheering) So look, you guys,
I'd fuck Judge Judy. (laughing) Well, I mean really,
who am I to judge Judy? (laughing) This is why we practice. I do over 200 practices a year. Most of my shows are
done in comedy clubs and that's where they
should be, you know. (laughing) I will do an occasional
pop-up in a Jiffy Lube. (laughing) It's not quite as fun. I also do a lot of college gigs
and those are harder to do. Well, I've just come to find
for a place of higher learning, there's a lot of
dumb motherfuckers. (laughing) It's not their fault,
they're just young folks, but I'll tell you, the worst
gigs I do are corporate events. Oh man, those are the worst. Well, unless of course
you're a potential booker and then, I love them. (laughing) Well, the problem
with corporate events is they always want me
to be corporate clean. I don't know if you
know what that means, but it's no swearing
or pretty much saying any of the shit
that I've said so far, (laughing) and I can do a clean show. I just feel like when you
hire me to do a clean show, that's like getting a
hooker to do your roofing. (laughing) I mean, yeah, maybe
she'll get it done, but it wasn't what you wanted, and she's way behind schedule. (laughing) I guess high heels
would do okay on a roof. Well, think about it. If the heel is long enough, it'll cancel out the
pitch of the roof. (laughing) I don't think my math
is right on that. (laughing) I'm not a doctor. Shit, I don't know. I have a friend that's
being a surrogate mother. She's like seven
months pregnant, and she walks around
telling people. She's like, it's not mine. (laughing) It's worse when she's
like, we're not keeping it. (laughing) She only says that when
she's been drinking though. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. (laughing) It's not hers, shit. Oh, shit. I do love telling jokes,
this is a lot of fun, but I really would love to get
into some more TV and movies. (cheering) It turns out Michael J. Fox
is just a much better actor. (laughing)
(groaning) He's snaggin' all my gigs. (laughter) I've had palsy way longer
than whatever he's got. How do you think I feel? He just comes swooping in, with his able-bodied headstart, taking all the good shit. You guys, I can
tell, are getting a little butthurt about it, ohh. (laughing) I feel bad for J. Fox. I don't feel bad for him. Yeah, what did he expect, jumping back and forth
through the future? (laughing) There's gotta be
some repercussions. Maybe he caught it when
he was a teen wolf. That can't be healthy. Proper shots and whatnot. No, I got nothing
against J. Fox. It's just hard being
a disabled actor, 'cause let's face it, you guys. I have been to enough
movie auditions now to know that if the
role doesn't call for somebody with
cerebral palsy, well then I'm probably not
getting the fucking gig. (laughing) I don't care how good
of an actor I am. I can't un-act that shit. (laughing) Oh, here's the kicker too. Even if there by
chance is a role for somebody with
cerebral palsy, I'll probably lose it
to an able-bodied person that can do it better. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. (laughing) I don't know, I just wish these casting directors
would take a chance. I want to think America's ready. Well, think about it. Why can't Spider-Man
have cerebral palsy? (laughing) Be like, (spraying) oh shit. (laughing) (laughing) I got carpal tunnel
in my good hand, well the semi-good
hand, I don't know. Anyway, I have to wear one
of those black wrist braces. I was walking
through the airport and I saw another
guy with a brace on. I was like hey, brother. He was like, it's not the same. (laughing) The look on his face was
really, really priceless for me. I don't look like that, do I? So, I'm sure by now
you guys have caught on that I have a
pretty weird brain. I'm not talking
about cerebral palsy. Like, that's the least
of my fuckin' worries. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. I just think of crazy shit, like today I was trying to think of a name of a
mythical creature. It's the one that's the
half woman, half horse. What is that called? - [Audience Female] A centaur. - Oh, no. I think it's a fuckable horse. (laughing) Just find the half you're into. (laughing) It's all her. Gotta pony up. (laughing) I actually dated a
half horse, half woman. Didn't work out. She's dog food to me now. (laughing) You guys are so helpful
in that joke too, just. It really depends on somebody
yelling out something. Centaur! (laughing) That's half horse, half man,
and I'm not into that shit. (laughing) I've only been practicing that
joke for a little while and, I've had this happen
to me a few times now. When I said half woman, half
horse, what is that called, twice now I've had some
guy go, Hillary Clinton. (laughing)
(light clapping) Yeah, it is pretty funny, but
it really fucks up my joke. (laughing) Yeah, that is no longer
a fuckable horse. (laughing) (applauding)
(cheering) She fucked it up
for the horse half, and for the record, that's
not even a political joke. (laughing) That's just the truth. I don't do much political humor, 'cause the way I look
at it is if you think either one of these
jinky ass parties gives half a fuck about us,
you've been misinformed, (laughing) (cheering)
(applauding) and that's all I have
to say about that. (laughing) This is what I love
about standup though. Every person in his room
has their own story, religious beliefs,
political views, but the cool thing is we're all in here together having a laugh. (cheering) Who knew my dumb ass
would be the linchpin? (laughing) As much fun as telling jokes is, there's something in my
life I love more than this. That's being a dad. (cheering)
(whistling) I was never so sure about
that husband part, but. (laughing) You can't cage this. (laughing) (cheering)
(wolf whistles) (laughing) I'm up for whatever. Hey, has anybody ever got
divorced and then realized that maybe you just
needed a sandwich? (laughing) Whoopsie daisies, huh? (laughing) Turns out I was just hungry. Just a little hungry. Oh well, moving on. Our divorce was pretty amicable, although when we first
started talking about custody, she was like, you can have 100%. I was like, now you're
talking crazy shit. (laughing) I negotiated down to 50-50. Seems a little more fair, man. Although I did find
out 50-50 doesn't mean you just take the one you like. (laughing) Ha ha ha ha. (whistling) No, my kids are great, man. I'm very happy to
say, both my kids are healthy, beautiful,
smart little people and yeah. (cheering) Yeah, there isn't a day
goes by that I don't look at those two and just think, how are they ever gonna
make it like that? (laughing) I feel like I oughta break
their legs, give them a chance. (laughing) My son is a good climber, man. Well, he's 10 years
old first of all, so he's still pretty
fucking useless. (laughing) He'll be all right,
you know, just, just 10 year old boys ain't
good for shit, you know. He said, oh Dad, I can't
find my other shoe. Well, did you try
looking fuckin' down? (laughter) Oh yeah. Sorry, I was standing on it. (laughing) It couldn't have been any closer to where it needed to be, man. (laughing) He is a good climber,
I'll give him that though. He just climbs on things. He's an amazing little
acrobatic little climber, and, well, you know
his mom's Japanese, so. (laughing) What? I don't think that has
anything to do with it. I just picked a weird
time to tell you that, so. (laughing) I like that joke
'cause I can feel, half the crowd's
like, inappropriate. (laughing) I'm not even sure
why, but it is, (laughing) and then the rest of
you are Rolodexing through your brains going, are Japanese people
good climbers? (laughing) The fuck do I know? I don't know. I'm guessing you didn't
get it from my side. (laughing) The other day, I looked out
my second floor bedroom window and my son was
looking back in at me. (laughing) He had climbed a
tree in the yard and got to the
very highest point that it would allow him to go, and he was at this swaying point where the branches are
going, (whooshing), but he just looks so at ease. He's like, ahh. (laughing) He's like, look Dad,
I'm higher than you are. (laughing) I don't think so, man. There is not a tree
on this block, boy. (laughing) Now quit fucking around. Jump on the roof
and get in here, (laughing) and watch out for the hooker. (laughing) I think she's almost
done, you know. Just tacking the
gutters back on. (laughing) You guys 'member? (laughing) From earlier. Some of you really didn't
seem like you 'membered, man. (laughing) Looking like, why
would he have a hooker when his son was there? In addition to my boy, I also
have an eight year old girl that lives in the house. You familiar with
these psychopaths? (laughing)
(whistling) Seriously, this one
is trouble, man. She's got a wicked
sense of humor and I know that I deserve that. I'll give you a little taste
of her particular brand. Few years back now,
when she was five, she discovered that
people with cerebral palsy have a very wicked
startle reflex. (laughing) So, like, loud noises
or sudden movements, we just spaz out, we
can't help but flail. It's somehow worse if
we know it's coming. (laughing) I'll just give you a
little life pointer. A jack-in-the-box is
the worst possible gift you can give to someone with cerebral palsy,
(laughing) and my daughter
figured this out, so she'd get up early, like when she was five
she'd get up early and hide, (laughing) just wait for groggy-ass
Daddy to come down, and then she'd jump out
and (voice shaking). I'd spaz and then she'd
laugh her shitty little ass. (laughing) Daddy spilled his coffee
on his head, ha ha ha, (laughing) but the thing is,
now she figured out that she doesn't
even need to hide. (laughing) She can just get
instant satisfaction. She'll burst in the room, blahh! Can I have some milk? (laughing) You go in to take
a bite of food. Blehh! (laughing) Mashed potatoes on the
ceiling, that's nice, yeah. Bullshit. I'm telling you though,
one of these days she's gonna catch a palsy punch. (laughing) (rolling tongue) Whoops. I'm hoping it'll happen
over this Christmas break. (laughing) A little less 'splaining to do. (laughing) My Christmas gift. I don't have to live
in fear anymore. (giggles) So, I did a show here last night and I stepped out back
to smoke some weed and as I'm out there smoking,
from behind this guy goes, Hey man, you need
some sweatpants? (laughing) Now he could have been
yelling to anybody. He was far enough away,
but just in my heart, I knew that shit was for me, and I said, what,
because I wanted to hear him yell it again. (laughing) He said, you need
some sweatpants? I was like, oh no, I'm good. He said, well, how
'bout some batteries? Holy shit, I could probably
use some batteries. (laughing) There is a beeping in my
house I can't fuckin' find. (laughing)
(cheering) You guys 'membered? (cheering) So good. Now this dude's
coming towards me. He's dragging a giant
trash bag full of goodies, and they could all be mine. (laughing) He's like, you
need a pillowcase? I'm like, no I'm good. He goes, well how
'bout a Ouija board? Well, you've got all the pieces? (laughing) Can't be fucking around
with half a Ouija. Dear Diary, Mister Earle
brought me half a Ouija, but I unleashed a whole demon. Now by the time this
dude has got to me, I've evaluated my life. Just like, okay,
how bad do I look that this homeless dude
is trying to help me out? And then he gets to me and
he puts his big bag down, and he's like, hey man. Can I get a hit of that weed? I was like, uh, okay. Uh, here you go. I handed him my pipe, and
then he looks me up and down. He's like, (dull scratching), (laughing) just cleaning off the palsy
with his homeless sweatshirt. (dull scratching) Then he finally took a hit
and passed it back over to me and I was like, unh unh, (dull scratching)
(laughing) (applauding) and then we did that
ritual, like nine times. (laughing) I got all buddy-buddy
with the guy. He was a good dude. I just could not convince
him that I wasn't homeless. I'm like, no, man. I'm a comedian, I
got a show tonight. He's like, oh yeah man. We're all comedians. (laughing) He's like, man, you've been
really nice to me, man. I just want to
give you something. I was like, well I hope
you haven't already, (dull scratching)
(laughing) and then this is
where it gets weird. (laughing) He looks at me all serious. He's like, hey man. Do you have some
type of brain injury? Does it show? (laughing) Then he reaches in his pocket
and he hands me two pills. He's like, well
these are for that. (laughing) These are for that. These being two
different-colored pills, (laughing) that being my brain. This is from the
doctor that was trying to prescribe sweatpants. (laughing) Now he's telling me
what kind of medication to be taking for my brain. Then he got kinda rough with me. Then eat 'em now. (laughing) I'm not eating these
fuckin' things. Well, I didn't say
that 'cause that's how you get stabbed
in the neck, man. (laughing) Gotta talk crazy back at him. I said, look man,
I'll eat 'em later, (laughing) and I did, (laughing) and I'll be damned, I can
feel that brain injury just sloughing right off, (laughing) and the sweatpants
fit great, too. Hey, you guys are awesome. Thank you so much. (cheering)
(applauding) Thank you, thank you. ♪ Listen up to what I say ♪ ♪ Fill your own cup if
you're tired of me ♪ ♪ Can't you see that
life's a bitch ♪ ♪ 'Cause you don't want
me and I can't live ♪ ♪ Heading low, heading mine ♪ ♪ Out on a rope, we
never had much time ♪ ♪ But you don't know
just how I feel ♪ ♪ Moving so slow, rolling
on a rubber wheeze ♪ ♪ But if I had an
airplane, if I had wings ♪ ♪ I'd go flying over
every sorrowful thing ♪ ♪ I'd fly to Tennessee
just for the day ♪ ♪ Set her down easy ♪ ♪ For to wind my blues away ♪ ♪ If I had an airplane,
if I had wings ♪ ♪ I'd go flying over
every sorrowful thing ♪ ♪ I'd go to Tennessee
just for a day ♪ ♪ Oh to let 'em down easy ♪ ♪ For to wind my blues away ♪ ♪ If I had an airplane,
if I had wings ♪ ♪ I'd go flyin' over
every sorrowful thing ♪ ♪ I'd fly to Tennessee
just for the day ♪ ♪ Let it down easy for
to wind my blues away ♪ ♪ If I had an airplane ♪ - [Audience Female] Italy! - [Audience Male] Philly. - Huh, did I ask
you guys to yell out places I could have
possibly bought a house? (laughing) Thank you, it's okay. It's, I know, he's just has,
he has Tourette's, it's okay. (laughing) It's okay, guys. Just know that I really
love all you guys so much and I'm really paying a lot
of money to have this shot so please fuckin' shut up. (laughing) No, I do, I get
it, it's fun and, but there is a pattern
to how comedy works. It's like, I go and then you go, (laughing) and then I go and then you go, but what I've learned is
if I go, and then you go, and then you go again, (laughing) well, then that
really fucks up my go. (laughing) (applauding)
(cheering) Uh, is it my go or? (laughing) Sorry, lost track
of who's going what.
