Working Out Is Not Worth It. Dry Bar Comedy

oh y'all i've done every kind of exercise in the world and when i was young age i was so gung-ho and i wanted to go and do and i want to be firm and tone and then one day i just said i don't care but and that's a good feeling too but when i was y'all saying john was big into crossfit do you all have crossfit here [Applause] i hope you all don't end up in a boot all right it is bad mama jama and they came to knoxville and they these young boys in their early 20s opened it up and they were darling and they both had little fannies that looked like baseballs and i wanted i wanted my fanny to look like a baseball so i got my good friend becky becky and i joined crossfit together for those of you don't know it's like military moves push-ups pull-ups that kind of thing then put a big tractor tire in the parking lot and they'd sit back in it and i'd pull her across the parking lot while she held her purse [Music] well these boys came to us one day and they said hey we're going to have a contest and whoever wins it gets three months of free training and um it's going to be for the women and for the men it's going to last 10 weeks we're going to take your before and after picture and then the whole gym is going to vote on whose body has changed the most we were like yes so one day we show up didn't know it was picture day i had on a horrible looking sports bra that had lost all of its support and i should have i should have bused it the night before it had a gray tint to it and it really wasn't gray it was white and and if i'd have known it was going to picture day i'd have gotten a spray tan but anyway we get they said take your top off to me and becky and they go just leave on your sports bra and your spandex and we're going to take your picture and i was like whoa wait a minute and i didn't want those little boys to not ever want to marry and have children so i said banky me and you we're going in the back i said i'm taking becky's picture and she'll take mine so we went in the back in the back room and becky went [Music] and i said what are you doing binky don't you want to win this thing i want to win it so i took my spandex and shoved it under my stomach went [Applause] thank you oh it was a sight these kids put it on the internet because that's what kids do so if y'all google it and you see this poor woman with her head cut off with these two feed sacks oh it was a sight but what they say it they go okay you're and when i saw that i thought oh my gosh you are what you eat and i look like a big bun is what i look like but they said you're going to eat paleo and it's what god put up on the earth to sustain us so if you can run it down and kill it dig it out of the ground pick it off of a bush you can eat it so that's lean meats fruits vegetables nuts berries and seeds that's no grain no grain no dairy when's the last time any of y'all ever got off of white flour anybody oh and you still can yell okay good for you oh my gosh i had the shakes becky and i both were shaking we drank a bunch of coffee then we had to have our teeth whitened anyway my husband said you were so hateful will you please eat a piece of white bread i mean it was awful i mean i never i i mean oh how horrible if somebody had to get off a heroin i mean and i don't know what that's like but i watched shaft when i was little and i remember it being a booger when somebody had to get off of heroin this felt similar it may not have been anyway they took the after picture and i made sure i had a spray tan let me tell you that honey because the spray tan takes 12 pounds off of you anyway i had a spray tan i had on a really cute sports bra and spending and uh i took mine and i'm ashamed to tell y'all but i won that thing oh thank you [Applause] thank you i'm so ashamed that y'all are giving me that love i know y'all are thinking what happened leanne i tell you what happened i spotted a tortilla that's what happened so my 60th birthday rolls around that's a big one sir 6-0 waiting for my gift 6-0 birthday gift she buys me 12 hours with a personal trainer named todd [Music] hi jeff i'm two percent body fat todd why two percent i'm eighty 80 flabby jeff how you doing [Music] first question asked me how long has it been since i had an exercise program well let me ponder that one taro it's gonna take a while to do the math here i'm 60. well 60 years nine months didn't take that long at all [Music] to be honest with you todd i haven't moved with any purpose since i won the race at conception i don't want to brag but i ran 3 billion that morning still exhausted undaunted by my response todd says well we'll start you out slow that's what he said we'll start you out slow so i slept with ankle weights on the first couple of months that was you know when you get up and use the bathroom as many times as i do in the middle of the night you burn some calories [Music] you know what we would all exercise everybody on planet earth would exercise if the weight we gained was in a different place on our bodies think about where we gain weight our stomachs and our behinds it's never in our way a couple pounds on your forehead would get you to a gym [Music] i can't see nothing they're gonna take my license away from me so he's trying to get into shape man this is so embarrassing i uh i accidentally joined a gym for female bodybuilders i didn't know okay i just walked in one day and i was like huh seems like a lot of high-pitched grunting's going on here um am i going to be the only guy working out here is that going to be weird and the lady in the gym was like no what no no give me your credit card that's how i became a member i got a free workout session with the trainer six foot one austrian woman she's like okay so if i gonna do fast as a hips thrusters do you know how to do the hips fastest like lady i don't even know if i know what you just said okay i'm gonna tell you this i am scared to death of you i get set all the time so what we're gonna do is we're gonna have you scooch down scooch down low you're gonna lean back we're gonna take a so now i am the only man at an all-female gym i see a woman squatting 250 pounds while i'm just like gently cradling a 35 pound plate weight and i'm looking around like this the most vulnerable i've ever been in my whole life dude and the worst part was i was not going to make it to 20. my legs are doing that like shaking failure thing i'm slowly sinking into the i'm using my head to like bounce up and i'm squealing a little bit i'm arguing with the trainer i am squeezing my buttocks you nazi psychopath [Applause] so been trying to work out from home more lately i looked at this one thing called a swim treadmill you've never seen it's like a long hot tub it just shoots water you swim in your backyard like this because every trainer will tell you best form of exercise struggling for your life in a river somewhere this thing is nuts hey phil you look good what have you been doing waterboarding myself i lost 20 pounds also admitted to three crimes i didn't even commit here's the crazy thing i saw one the off button was in the front and it seemed like a mistake you don't have enough juice in the tank you're just stuck in your backyard like [Applause] that'd be a weird funeral wouldn't it hey what happened to phil oh he drowned in a class one rapid in his backyard i started working out at a new gym you might heard of it curves what that's a good gym first day they give you a personal trainer she stood me in front of a full-length mirror she says mark we're going to identify your trouble spots [Music] i see it every day it's all trouble i said if you really want to identify my trouble spots shouldn't we be looking at my refrigerator that's where the trouble starts she told me she was going to introduce me to muscle confusion i hadn't worked out in two years when i started working out at the curves i said my muscles are confused because i'm here they're going where's the couch machine's a good trainer great trainer i played sports all my life from the time i was a little kid in the fifth grade throughout college i've had some of the best trainers in the world i went to university of southern california and we had some of the best trainers there that you could possibly imagine but this trainer at the curves best trainer i've ever had far none this is how good this trainer is at the curves first six weeks my chest went from an a to a c cup [Music] i got to the gym one day my trainer said to me she says mark today we're going to bench press and i'm a man did i mention that you say to a man we're gonna finish press we swirl right up don't we guys [Music] voice get all deep yeah [Music] let's binge press she grab two tens and put one on each side of the bar i was like girl get out of here with that get for them 45's from over there and put them on this side of the bar i'm gonna put 445s on this side of the bar we're gonna bench press like a man right here in the curves so we loaded the bar up and had that ark in it you ever see that dude at the gym lifting all the weights you can't go home because you got your car up there [Music] so i get down on the bench i get ready to start bench pressing i put my hands on the bar and when you start bench pressing you can't put your hands just really nearly anywhere on the bar am i right guys make sure your hands are magical right [Music] after about 15 minutes of that i was like wow this is a tough workout you got going right here this is that muscle confusion you was talking about i'm confused finally i get down on the bench i throw the weight right up gravity is a funny thing the weight came down so fast made a whistling sound i tried to bounce it off my chest you know you get that little it sunk deeper into my chest every time i moved it was like quick if i felt like i'm about to pass out but you can't pass out at the curves your woman's going to be embarrassed i did what every man in here should do if you find yourself in that situation i let out just a little bit of pee not enough to be construed as i peed on myself just a squirt to help take the edge off the pain you understand what i'm talking about just a little spritz so i can think what to do next a splash so i could get a moment of clarity [Music] once you get that clarity your mind to tell you what to do roll it down you down to your waist you can sit up blame it on her you're supposed to be spotting me you know i worked out in two years where are those tens i work out hard when i'm at the curves too really trying to get myself together so i'm going to try to put in some work i'll bench everybody at the curves nobody at that curve is going to help bench me there is one silver back of a woman who out curls me really strong 18-inch biceps she comes into the gym hot every time i see you she's like [Music] [Music] yo homeboy you using them 50s [Music] no ma'am nice tooth i've been trying man i was i went to the gym i was trying to lift weights you know at the gym they call weights free weights but i tried to take some home from 24 hour fitness and they called the coughs free weights aren't free at all guys free weights cost 80 hours of community service and they call the cops and you run away from the cops and that's cardio so your membership is still totally worth it i should work out i just i've never had a reason to work out before people always like oh it makes you feel great oh my god so does in and out you let me know when they make protein bars animal style i have a lot of friends who work out just to break even you know those people like i ran four miles now i can eat cake pretty sure that's not how that works you can't just be like i saved a guy's life now i can kill someone i know a lot of dudes too are way too buff for no reason at all and they'll never use that amount of buffness in their daily life like i'll work out all day every day i'm so ready for my job at the sprint store i was like bro phones aren't that heavy don't worry about it it's too much no one's ever gonna remember that when you're gone that's never on a gravestone just like here lies daniel loving son a good person abs of steel r.i.p cause he's ripped never forget thursday was leg day i'm trying to get in shape but i don't want to turn into one of those annoying gym people i have this friend that's like yeah man i go to the gym religiously i'm like oh do you cause i'm a gym atheist actually respect my beliefs i used to believe in the gym but then i thought if the gym were real why is there so much pain and suffering at the gym [Applause] just don't know like i'd be in the gym in pain going if you were a merciful jim you could have prevented this and i grew up going to the gym religiously it's just how my parents raised me and it was hard breaking it to them that i'd become a gymnastist they still made me talk to those two guys with white shirts that come on the stationary bikes you know these guys they're like do you have a couple minutes we can share a brief message about our personal trainer jesus i'm like no thanks loved the musical though fellas congrats i used to be into the gym like i don't mean to brag or anything but i used to be able to do the shake weight and the thigh master at the same time now what's up ladies they don't even have that equipment at the gym i brought it from home i was devout i really did grow up going to the gym religiously my dad is a former professional bodybuilder and he tries to teach me weightlifting and i'm hopeless because whenever i'm trying to work out a certain part of my body i'll miss like i'll be doing bicep curls and somehow my neck is lifting it like i knew you couldn't miss in basketball i didn't know you could miss it weight lifting like i tried to do bench press which is supposed to be for your chest and arms but for some reason my butt was like don't worry bro i'll lift it i'm like no but don't it's not your turn it's like too late already did it i'm like how did you do that i'll be doing squats and all of a sudden my calling is like it's my time to shine like no calling dope my dad's like are you feeling the burn i'm like not how you think i'm supposed to be doing [Laughter] all the equipment at the gym just recreates stuff you do in real life anyway right like the rowing machine is rowing stationary bike is cycling and the treadmill recreates the experience of not being able to keep up with the sidewalk actually if there's a girl working out in front of me while i'm on the treadmill it's a perfect metaphor for my dating life because i'm expending all this energy and not getting any closer and i'm always sweaty so i've been trying to get in shape get back in shape so do a few i'm gonna do a few movies and uh joined a new health club don't you hate when you go to the health club and you can't find a parking space close to the door forget this man i'll come back another time and i hate when you're at the health club and those big buff guys come up to you mind if i jump in with you especially when i'm in the shower no nautilus machines some of them are impossible to figure out i thought i had this one figured out the other day you kind of lay in it lift up with your right hand laying the opposite direction lift up with your left hand until this girl comes up to me goes you're about done with that tanning bed there pal do what you can i joined i joined a health club it's 30 bucks a month which breaks down to about uh 30 bucks a workout [Laughter] [Music] it's four blocks on my house i drive don't judge don't judge me it's not technically a health club it's more it's one of those what do they call those a mexican restaurant here's the thing after a large burrito and hot sauce i'm tired and sweaty when i walk out of there like i should talk i checked into the hotel i checked in my hotel they're like we have a gym here i'm like okay i'm intimidable i go to the gym big guys last time i walked into a gym this guy's 6'4 260. not an ounce of fat he's like can you spot me i spotted you from the road my lord you're massive he said no can you spot me on the bench yo dog if you can't lift it i don't feel the need to work out i think i think i'm 57 years old i'm in pretty good shape i think i do one sit-up a day yeah in the morning when i get up that's half and uh tonight when i lay down that's going to be the other but i have i've been going i've been going to the gym i've been trying to trying to be good about working out all my friends like oh it's great you going to the gym you can meet people there you know no one ever talks to me at the gym like one time a guy came up to me was like oh where'd you get the snacks oh my god great now i'm the girl with the outside food but my friends are always like oh you can meet men there i think i can meet men i'm like i don't have any pickup lines at the gym the best thing i can come up with is like hey who we can uh i know an ice cream shop up the street what do you say we get out of here don't have a little afternoon delight [Laughter] i actually do get i i get intimidated at the gym because there are always guys there lifting weights making all these noises i don't know if you haven't seen them you know they're like ah this is terrible i'm like no one's forcing you to pick up those weights there's plenty of other lighter weights right around here play with those but it's addictive making those noises i do it now when i go to the gym i leave out the lifting heavyweights part i just walk through the door like ah this is terrible what am i doing here i did do some uh some groupons for fitness uh they had one in in new york for mendez boxing gym boxing's a really good workout uh anyways i went i told them you know it's my first day of groupon and they said okay well go get changed go downstairs to get changed when you're ready see the guy in the red shirt in the corner he'll show you around it's all right i go down i get changed i go over to the guy i'm like it's my first day and uh he says are you training for a fight and i was like no i have a groupon i don't know if i was more embarrassed that i had a groupon or he thought that i look like an out-of-shape female boxer and i was like either way i'm saving money i got a couple for yoga they have one in my neighborhood in brooklyn really nice yoga place very serene uh beautiful surroundings you know when i walk in a lady i tell the lady i'm here with my group on she the t the yoga teacher brings me in she puts me on the mat next to this beautiful woman perfect size too big engagement ring native tan and the yoga teacher is like let me know if you have any questions i'm like yeah is she always here because i'd like to come to classes that she's absent from if you don't mind i went to another place in the city another yoga place totally different scenario uh in manhattan i go in i say you know i have my group on and they're like oh you're number 10. i'm like excuse me and they're like oh when you go in the room you'll see there's numbers on the floor put your mat on number 10. michael that's nice come on in relax de-stress do it right there that's where you do it relax on that one so i did i went and i went in and sure enough someone's on number 10. i'm like here we go um my excuse me uh i'm number 10. and she's like oh do you mind going to number seven i want to be next to my friend i'm like i'm out of here i'm not doing this uh for all i know i go to number seven she pulls some funny business on number 10 and my name's on the books downstairs no i don't want any part of it i went and got a bacon egg and cheese much better use of my time i think uh i did i i joined a running group too and uh this is what i learned about myself i'm a very ugly runner i get like beat red i'm hypoventilate my arms are flailing people are actually stopping me on the street like are you okay do you need help looks like there's something very wrong happening here i'm like no i'm just exercising thank you this is what i look like when i do things that are good for me but it's true i feel like when i run i cause other people to run like they see me coming and they just throw this stuff in the air like i don't know what's going on but this girl looks terrified and i'm getting out of the way the guy who runs my group he thinks like everything you put in your body should be fuel and he knows i don't feel the same way so he's always trying to get me to stick with it he's like you know kendra olympic runners eat four to five thousand calories a day and i'm like well i got that down [Music] i eat like i'm training for the olympics but i work out like a clinically depressed hypochondriac like i don't want to go everybody hates me my back's broken it all it's all debate you know everything we do leads to this you know everything we do and it's just a matter of perception like i like to work out and i work out at the ymca because i like to be looked at as the young buck i like being viewed suspiciously because of my youth hey did that kid just take two towels oh yes i did i'm a bit of a scamp when it comes to the towels and i'm not i'm not fat but i'm not fit either you know but people mistake that for being fit if you're not fat you know and that's where we're at if you're not fat you're fit that's where we're at right now and they'll ask me for workout tips these people are lost so i always tell them oh yeah my workout tip is uh you know less weight more reps and they go huh tell me something i don't know and i say no i'm talking a super low weight and a super lot of reps like me i like to curl a pencil ten thousand times i look pretty crazy screaming for a spot on those last three anybody help me here 9998 come on if you have the choice don't do it being a man a lot of responsibility very few perks it's really nuts well this building goes on fire you better let the women and children get out first if you're a real man well those women and children better be in good shape because i don't work out three days a week to burp in the building i work out so i'm strong enough to trip somebody on the way out of there i'm in getaway shape ladies and gentlemen i will make it i do just enough no i'm not trying to get in shape that's that's too much of a man just enough shape to get out on time that's the kind of shape i'm in i got friends that do hot yoga they're like oh you got to do hot yoga nah dawg uh that sounds like it stinks i'm not gonna do it i've done regular yoga and everybody was farting in there and at no point in time did i say somebody should turn the heat on i never said it hot yoga's not for me [Music] i got an extra spot in my crossfit class i bet you do that place is awful [Music] people that do crossfit i judge their humanity i'm like what is wrong with you people like why are you all trying to get in shape on the first day like it is too much lifting too much like they're all training like they're going to prison tomorrow why are you trying to get in this kind of shape save some muscles for tomorrow man just space out the workouts you go to a crossfit gym it always some like some broken down basement some garage to walk into this gym it feels illegal it's like this place is awful they used to sell herbalife this place smells like dash hopes and dreams man this place is horrible there's no equipment it's just a tire in the middle of the room so where's where's the equipment oh that is the equipment you're going to flip that tire 25 times and you just spin it on your finger and then you're going to wrestle an alligator what why do i need to be an alligator wrestling shape what am i ever gonna need wrestling alligator skills come on if my wife gets attacked by an alligator i gotta find another wife i can't be walking around with alligator bait ass this is bad for business gotta lay off that stuff man i gotta work out a little more too yeah i always set goals for myself when it comes to fitness don't you guys yeah one person are we also looking around like taco bell sounds amazing right now yes yes let's carpool we're gonna meet this guy in the parking lot and we're all gonna carpool [Music] i don't mean to pick on you but i'm also amazed that you're wearing shorts in the middle of the winter that's just like a it's just like i'm a tough guy that's what i do and exercise nobody works out here you try to don't you don't you try to i always do i always wake up i'm like all right tomorrow i'm gonna lift weights i'm gonna run four miles i'm gonna get back into shape then i wake up at noon like all right i'm gonna have some cookies and take a nap that sounds that sounds amazing i don't like going to the gym of course because you always run into those cliche gym guys you know what i'm talking about you know those big gym guys they're like the veins are sticking out of their necks right they always want to talk to you for some reason they puff themselves up what's going on little fellas sorry crying in the corner what's up bro what's up buddy yeah what's this yeah man it's a gatorade got it in a squirt bottle because i can't bend my arms we go bench press a moose i'll see you later i'm out of here bro [Music] everybody's always on some weird diet at the gym too you ever notice that they want to brag about it you know what i've been doing the last three weeks bro eating wood that's it bro i'm an animal small balsa stick sawdust i'm an animal i'm like cool are you beaver what's the matter with you what are you [Laughter] i can do i can i don't want to do those conversations this one guy comes up to me the other day sweating like crazy he's like bro nothing feels better than feeling the burn of the gym nothing feels better than feeling the burn of the gym it's like i can't think of lots of things i feel better than feeling a burn in the gym like first of all not feeling a burn at the gym i think that feels good safety of the sofa feels fantastic i'm all about that that's a good feeling it's a great feeling it gets even more awkward this happened a couple days ago one of those big gym guys comes out to me you know what's up bro hey what's going on man you want to work out with me come on bro just work out with me i'm like oh sorry man i'm actually on this machine right now he's like that's the water fountain really good at this machine i'm really good so you get that fighter flee thing right you're like uh i'm just gonna flee i'm gonna get out of here you know so i get on the treadmill to just get away from the guy and this is the most intense human being i've ever seen in my entire life he goes up this weight machine and he gets down on his knees right and he's pulling the weights all the way down and across his body but every time he does it he's doing that gym guy grunt noise you know so he's like yeah yeah yeah and then he makes eye contact with me i didn't know what to do so i was like you gotta really i go to the gym i'm a gym guy i am a gym guy i hate the gym but i go to the gym and here's a great example of people not being able to treat i'm on the treadmill at the gym just doing my thing on the treadmill and some sicko have left a water bottle in the pringles holder [Music] now what am i supposed to do with that the whole some of these peoples you know some of these people need to you want to tell people look dude you're done okay you cannot attain more mass my earlobes need to be buff you know oh my gosh i joined this gym and the kid was like what do you want from a workout i said man i've been working out my whole life i want a challenge he said just try to get out of our contract oh my gosh you need a lawyer to get out of those things boy get your physical get checked out i went to my annual physical i was complaining to my doctor my doc look at me i used to have a six-pack no it's just a sad sack he said mark you need to do more crunches yeah now i'm doing nestle's crunch and captain crunch try to get to the gym i i like the gym uh they have some awkward things in my gym like when you work out on the bikes and the cardio and they put a bank of televisions in front of the uh the cardio machine so you can watch tv news and sports while you're working out what they do though they turn down the volume on the tv they put on closed captioning anyone here ever paid close attention to closed captioning i don't know what three-fingered english is a fourth language ged reject they hired to do that job i'm yeah i'm at the gym the other day i'm trying to watch the news the cmm is retorting that present don juan trumpet would be marinating with rushing ladder badmir pudding over the situation in cereal and whooping crane [Applause] i'm trying to get in shape it's hard to start getting in shape you guys look good here by the way you guys look you guys look really good do we have any big workout fanatics here tonight with us big workout fans anybody ever know anybody to [Applause] work anybody ever worked outside a gardener anybody ever worked out on a collage i don't like it in there in the gym i don't like i saw one guy i went in the gym and he was working out um he's working on his neck like in his head on the neck machine and um i don't know i'm not gonna make fun of anybody it's just when i saw him it just looked as if maybe maybe the rest of his body did not have a membership to the like maybe he was like could it be cheaper if i just do the neck is there a way i can get a discount if i just do not and i'm not here to make fun of him his neck it was beautiful i mean it could have been on the cover of neck magazine like it was a beautiful neck i'm not here to make fun of that i just found myself in awe of this man i just was watching him and i was just like why like what could be going on in your life like seriously what is going on in your life that you realize man now's the time to get my neck going [Music] i was laying in bed that night trying to figure out like why is this guy need a strong neck like maybe he got like a really heavy hat for christmas i've got to go back to the gym still can't wear it gotta go back for the new year i told myself i would try new things and i was walking out of the gym recently and they were starting a spinning class and so i said you know what i'm going to try that because i told myself i'll try new things and if you've never been to one i love to ride bicycles like with my friends it's not like that [Music] like really hard you know and uh and i went in there and first of all i looked at the instructor you've never been to once a bunch of exercise bikes and then there's an instructor and he makes up some sort of imaginary terrain in his head then you follow along your bikes according to whatever he said and first of all i didn't like the guy you ever just see someone you go i don't don't like him for no reason like first he's wearing a helmet like what could happen we got a helmet on seriously what are we going to be weaving in and out of cars what do you thought he had a helmet and then we start off and he's like okay everybody nice flat road up ahead nice and easy so we're all warming up there's a little bit of a hill let's go up to level two so you go up to two and we we're on two for like ten seconds and he goes oh it's another hill let's go up to three we're on three for like 30 seconds because that's another hill let's go up to four ten sec because another i start thinking this guy should have gone a different route probably this is a horrible bicycle ride why don't you test it out first buddy before you take a bunch of strangers on it i think it should have gone the other way it was awful when it got worse and worse like level you know 9 ten eleven so we got to 13 i couldn't even get my feet around the thing without standing up it was so hard and weren't you up another hill and i just raised my hand i'm like sir i gotta stop you uh i don't know a lot about topography but what i do know is we should be coming down the freaking hill by now i don't know if you've ever been to the hills outside of your head but there's a second half of them that's awesome it's the downhill part sir it's everyone's favorite half of a hill and he just keeps going he just ignores me and you guys i was having trouble but man the lady behind me she was having like a lot of trouble and i don't want to like make fun of her but every time we go up a hill she would make a new noise and i'm not here to make fun of her i'll just try to mimic exactly the noises that i heard so we go up a hill and behind me just here like what could that be what's happening is there a clown back there what's going on i don't know but i didn't turn rocks i want to make her feel but we go up another hill just here i'm like what did the clown die what's happening is that a ghost what's going on back but i want to make her feel bad so i just eyes straight forward but she was having you guys she was having trouble i think the instructor could tell because he was trying to kind of wrap it up she goes okay everybody we're gonna do one more hill we're done for the day so because let's just do level 25 write it out then we're done and you guys she must have tried it because i will never forget the two noises i heard next i just heard and then i heard like that and i go you know what i'm turning around i deserve it i've waited long enough and i turn around and the lady has fallen off of her bicycle yeah anniversary i was like oh man i missed it but she was okay she was like still making noises so she's still okay but as i reflect on that day like the weirdest part of it was like like no nobody went to help her i know i guess we all just want to figure like hey you know if you fall off a bike that's not moving but that's kind of your fault [Music] this one's on you okay do you know because of you if you just stopped peddling that would have become a chair so you had that option so you should have just made it into a chair and then what do we do did we call the front desk do we call all fake road 911 like let's get out of here she's still there what's happening [Music] just gotta eat right and work out that's all you can do right eat white and work out that's it man you might work out all right eight people in the front row i gotta work out man i gotta work out cause my career ain't take off as fast as i hope and i wanna be there when it does i don't want to be all dead and successful that's not how i mapped it out i don't like it you know what i do i trick myself into going to the gym you know what i do right i go to the gym i find a voluptuous woman on the treadmill i get on the treadmill behind her and pretend like i'm chasing her [Music] she speed up i speed up keeps me healthy and brings out my inner creepiness now he's gotta get rid of that creepiness right this is working great till i find out somebody's on the treadmill behind me [Music] and he was like hey slow down you gotta earn this baby look now my treadmill's against the wall trying to stay healthy i'm back at the gym i'm so sore right now oh how long you supposed to rest between workouts cause it was six years i felt like that should i can't recover i can't and i know it i went into my gym and they put up these motivational posters to frighten you into having a good workout and they put up a new one by the squat rack and said go heavy or go home so i went heavy should have gone home i went to do my squats i went all the way down and i i remained there i couldn't get back up i i had to crawl out from under the bar that's familiar because the guys at the gym saw made a big noise and there's things you want to hear those guys say you want to hear things like you got it oh you you don't want to hear things like are you okay sir do you need us to call someone are you wearing a special bracelet sir can can you hear me can you hear me of course right next to me some big big gorilla in the next squat rack had 600 pounds on the bar he looked at me and he said can you give me a spot i don't like how you laughed at that already i told him i i said i don't even think i could slow that down if something went wrong i said the best i can do is try and talk you out of it and i did he went home we actually left but at least i go to the gym dr phil also said if you want to build the bond with someone you're dating go to the gym together it'll make your relationship stronger i went to the gym with a girl i was dating we broke up immediately after that everything i wanted to do she was telling me no it was crazy i was like let's do some pull-ups eh well let's do something over here finally go alright let's do 10 push-ups we'll go home she's like i'm definitely not doing that i go 10 push-ups why not she goes i don't want to get huge shoulders and chest muscles thank you i was like it doesn't work like that people work their whole life to look like that she thinks she's gonna be like one two huh three four hit she can't even get to ten five six yeah yeah look what you did to me i told you it wasn't safe now uh i'd be like oh my goodness you were right i told you now i have to join the bodybuilding competitions move to california become an action star i didn't want to do that and then i'm like look at your neck is that a tumor it's not a tumor start going back to the gym i don't like the gym it's a lot of weird stuff happens in the gym every time i go in the gym it never fails i walk in the locker room it's a 85 year old man walking around butt naked with shower shoes on a towel on his shoulder eating sunflower seeds just marching around like sir where is your family and this man always want to strike up a conversation with me like so what you're not gonna do is talk to me with no pants on so that's very inappropriate was in the gym the other day i saw this woman her pants said yoga but her butt said mcdonald's [Applause] i think you're sitting on the golden arches man that's what i think you know i've also uh i've also learned that when you are taking care of people it's very important that you take care of yourself too right so i i joined a gym thank you i'm ready to quit uh but you know i'ma hold out to martin luther king day because i have a dream [Laughter] my trainer my trainer told me that walking is good exercise because you can do it anywhere no you can't in my neighborhood you start out walking end up running [Laughter] but listen life is short you should do what you love and i love dancing that's what i love doing that's so that's why i go to zumba oh thank you i love zoom but zumba is like going clubbing and comfortable shoes but here's the thing here's thing have you ever seen that woman in zumba class who takes it way too seriously you know she knows every move she's just waiting for the instructor to drop dead because that's gonna be her moment that's me but here you know what i really love about zumba class is that anybody could come anybody can do it well almost anybody almost anybody we had a woman show up to zumba class and she was seven months pregnant and i was like she better not have that baby on a good song my favorite person in zumba class is that woman who is always off beat it's fascinating right it's like the signals from her brain to her feet are using an outdated version of google maps you know we go left she goes right she goes right we go left is she ahead is she behind i don't know now it's a time travel question but she really is my favorite person in class okay cause come on she knows she's off beat but she shows up anyway showing up is half the battle in life so i love this woman i support this woman i just can't look at this woman because she is the medusa of dancing [Laughter] i mean one look and i am i'm done to the next song like huh oh is that a baby and la women are horrible people they are horrible i was going through a really hard time and i was going through a hard year 2017 and i had this la friend and let's call her claire because that's her name and um you just can picture what she looks like this okay so she's this is claire right here okay so she's very trim and uh so i was very sad i was crying and i'm from like originally my mom is from alabama i have family in the midwest and family from other parts of the country and i appreciate those kind of women because california girls i'm like claire i can't talk about it i can't wake up i don't want to get out of bed just like you know you need to do you need to work out okay meet me at the gym and we're gonna get on the treadmill and we're gonna walk it off okay we're gonna walk off like five pounds so you feel better i was like no claire i need some women to show up with a casserole and some cheese whiz right now and a ryan gosling movie so we could eat our emotions all right that's what i'm looking for all right just bring me some carbohydrates that is gonna make it better all right tell me i'm pretty tell me i'm ready so i'm trying to meet people i'm trying to meet people the old-fashioned way which is in person right and uh i was at this i was at this birthday party and this woman smiled at me i was like okay i gotta say hi to her. and i walked up and i froze and she was playing she told me she was a personal trainer and i was like i need a personal trainer and i was like come on brain and my brain was like you do your muscles are bad and she goes okay i'll train you and now i just pay her to do her job you can approach anyone who you immediately offer employment to day one she goes how many pull-ups can you do and i said five and then i realized you can't lie to somebody that's about to see how many pull-ups you can do so i said possibly three little rusty and i got up there and she goes no you gotta extend your arms all the way i was like zero but she's a trainer so she goes pull go and i didn't know what to say i had just met her i was like it's not pulling [Music] there's something wrong with it you think i did too many yesterday i'm always doing five to three [Laughter] and she goes you're doing these i'll spot you so now this woman i thought i was flirting with is underneath me lifting me with her strength [Laughter] we're almost there we did it wow we're so strong natasha i could tell that was mostly you my arms gave up a while ago [Music] trying to get into shape i don't know if anyone here is trying to get into shape here's the thing though i stopped working out at the gym i stopped working at the gym because everybody there is so much stronger than me all right that's why i feel better about myself i started working out at the local physical rehabilitation center [Laughter] and i'm telling you crowd that's a huge ego boost right there because i may not be able to bench press a lot but i can certainly catch a tennis ball [Music] the therapist is like you're doing great mr jenkins i'm like where do you see me walk i like to run that's what i do for exercise i run a lot of people listen to like uh like hip-hop music or rock music to really motivate themselves but to really push myself i listen to a playlist i have titled civil rights movement it's just cops yelling get him and german shepherds barking hey i never ran faster don't get tired of that joke i've got a darker one coming up people say that uh that yoga teaches you how to listen to your body well so does indian food all right if you really want to see how far you can stretch order tikka masala and get stuck in traffic on the way home i try to watch what i eat i saw a pack of gummy worms the other day that said no artificial flavor it's like who buys gummy worms hoping it tastes as close to real worms as possible man i'm feeling good working out every day i run i work out buddy that's what you got to do you got to work out man you got to stay young like me my buddy here we got to stay young right when i run i wear a sports bra this is true when i run it sounds like a round of applause it is unbelievable every time my brother neighbor is like all right oh thank you so much that wasn't you that was real problem is the only way to lose weight to some of my size is you have to get a personal trainer and here's the problem with that as a general rule i don't like personal trainers on a personal level because i feel like they're judging me because they're fit and i'm not and that's the only thing that matters in their universe like i want a trainer that gets there's way more to life than just that i want to travel to say hey man you may not be fit but you know what you're smart and you're super funny in fact you're perfect just the way you are let's go get a slice then instead of working out we just eat pizza and talk about how special i am it's the kind of trainer i want i think i want my mommy is what i'm saying [Music] but no i'm making changes making changes i don't want that to happen again i got myself a fitbit any fitbit users in the audience tonight yeah you better clap it counts as steps do it get it in people usually uh get a fitbit to motivate them to exercise more but not so much me i just like that it tells me things i'm already doing like i look at it like oh i slept 13 hours last night and it's 8 p.m and i've taken 92 steps today so good for me my fitbit's like no jordan this is bad for you very bad my fitbit doesn't respect me that's what i want you to know here's the thing my fitbit does it's always telling me i'm sleeping when i am definitely not sleeping just like fitbit can i just watch tv for four hours motionless without you assuming things about me can we do that fitbit thank you so i feel like i have to hide things from my fitbit um like i'll take it off before i go into a restaurant i'm just like you don't need to see me like this lost enough respect for me already i think my fitbit will have a hard time coming to terms when i die because i'll die and people will go to my fitbit and say hey fitbit jordan's dead and my fidget will be like yeah no he's not i've thought that before and will not fool me again i feel bad for it though cause it probably came fresh green out of the fitbit academy it's like i'm gonna slap myself on somebody's wrist and change their life and then we met and i was like yeah we're not doing any of that fitbit lower your expectations the rest of the sets fitbit material just so you know 30 more minutes of fitbit jokes um we'll get there but we set up boundaries we're getting along better now because we set up some boundaries the other day my fitbit popped up and was like hey jordan are you gonna walk five thousand steps today i was like hey fitbit are you gonna walk five thousand steps today last i checked i'm going with the legs so don't talk the talk unless you're gonna walk the walk i will also not be walking the walk so now that we respect each other a little bit i feel like on my actual death bed my fitbit will be sad he'll be hovering over me like my arm will be in the air for some reason and my fitbit will look down at me be like jordan i failed you as a fitbit i couldn't save you from your own bad decisions and i'll be like no fitbit fitbit you were a great fitbit fitbit you may not have made my body better but you definitely made my heart better like not physically better i just mean i'm glad we overcame our differences and we're friends now i got so paranoid i joined the gym to bulk up and it's not the gmi joint all of the machines are pneumatic which means they use pressure rather than weights that's terrible for a skinny guy like me because now i can't even bench press air big strong guys like you sir are walking through the gym like how much you got on there i'm like nothing i joined gold's gym for two days clap if you know what the gold's gym is [Applause] hardcore lifters work out at the gold's gym body building behemoths and when they work out they get focused and they make noises that's good info to know i was at the gym my first day i saw a man go right like this he was like [Music] that was terrifying like is he lifting weights or passing a kidney stone i don't make noises in the gym like that i make tiny man weightlifting noises i'm doing curls i got a little bit of weight on the bar i sound like a broken choo choo train just one the front row is like that train needs maintenance another reason i don't like gold's gym locker room etiquette ladies i bet you didn't know this men walk around in the locker room but naked they're proud of their bodies that's unacceptable because they all look better than me i was getting changed my second day at the gold's gym this guy came up to me ripped just chiseled no clothes he was like brah check it out i can crack a walnut with these and then he went right like this this is the thing anyway we're like good seats all right ladies good seats look at it we're like we haven't even eaten yet and other chicks are like hercules hercules i wasn't impressed i was like so you can crack a walnut with your glutes big deal cause who would want to eat the nut after what's that nut tastes like tastes like booty that's nasty i will have my nuts gluten free that's not a joke they get like 40 minutes north of here could you i'm like what kind of nut is that is that like a macadamia nut right there is that like a salted cashew from salt lake i'm talking about the hotel this all started about the hotel and this very nice hotel just right down the street they had a gym huge big beautiful gym that i had not even walked into i just walked by it's all glass and case there's a big buff guy working out in front of him and i did want to know what and he's right looking at a mirror he's looking at a mirror and i just well what did this mirror have that buffettude attitude of people that are but just i said what do the mirrors have to do with the extra that's to do the proper form of the exercise which enables you to lose weight faster oh well they should put these mirrors in that line at the pizza place that would do it [Music] i'm in the gym i did i had not been to the gym forever and this gym beautiful when i went in to talk to him i'm out of shape you know working out has the word work built right into it i had not worked after that i got to the door and had to go spot me okay thanks i appreciate that [Music] so i think my best hope for getting in shape is to get a home gym just something i could do at home and not really embarrass myself when i go to a real gym just like something i could do like a rowing machine you know an easy one one that comes to the motor i don't want to start with stairmaster i kind of want escalator master [Laughter] check the pulse doing fine i tried the bike i did not like the bike because they give you way too many choices i don't need choices i just want to exercise the bike that professional normal hill i picked hill who knew it was up hill i've been trying to take care of better care of myself you know went to a crossfit gym it's not for me okay this is not for me i don't need to be doing i don't need to be doing that you see [Applause] that's exactly why i don't do that [Music] like when do i need to i don't need to do this do i need to hop into a motorcycle extremely quickly i need to do that i went to like this boot camp where they just yell at you and everything and tell you to do all this stuff he's like come on man push it come on go hard or go home so i went home i have got my shows to watch okay i will not sit here and tolerate this oh man i don't i i joined the gym how about that i joined the gym two weeks ago yeah and my wife is like a workout fanatic and she's like honey you got to confuse your muscles when you go to the gym you got to confuse your muscles and i tried it the other day i was going to the gym and right when i got in the parking lot i'm like psyched [Applause] i went to cracker barrel man i confused the heck out of it was awesome i do uh do belong to a gym somewhere i'm pretty sure not quite sure where it is uh 16 keeps coming out of my checking account every month i haven't really tracked it down yeah but i did used to belong to one gym where the kind of one of the cool perks was that every month you got one free personal training session with one of their big trainers which is cool because i don't know anything about working out but it always would frustrate me because i would always get one of these huge hulking dudes who would never really convey how difficult it was the exercise that they were gonna have you do they would just kind of assume you were in fantastic shape this dude would be like oh man here's what you're gonna do you're gonna come over you're gonna sit down on this thing you're going to grab these two bars and just start pulling them into your chest just boom [Music] boom boom boom see it's like a metronome i'm not even thinking about the boom i'm just not even thinking about the breathing i'm just thinking about the plates going up and boom oh all right man you get down there you throw down about 25 of those i'm like sweet okay so i get down i grab all right let's did you take the safety off on that cassette it's not moving i'll try to okay so i get down yeah okay see there was like a boom but it was like here and i don't i don't want to press my luck on that maybe we'll just skip that for now where are the showers just out of curiosity if you were to point in a direction where i have a buddy who's like really into shape like really ripped i don't know what i'm doing is this what tough guys do this what do you do at the gym who here actually works out is this one that you do just lifting the heavy weight i can't i'm worried you know what my big fear is of the gym is that my hand's gonna get caught in the clanky clanks of the of the nautilus machine that's always my biggest fear like i'd better just not i would totally be that guy look you need some more weight on that bro clanky clank handgun hand smash i have a buddy who's like don't go to the gym forget the gym go take karate karate will be the way to go it's a full cardiovascular workout to be able to protect your lady i was like all right i'll check it out so i went dojo shopping right see where i wanted to start my karakan at [Music] here's what i found out only little kids take karate these days go to any dojo all the black belts are like four through eight years old so i signed up i was like this ought to be easy peasy now on the first day i just start chucking those little monkeys against the back wall yeah looks like there's a new black belt in town everybody i'm like a mountain compared to you trevor get at me trevor oh you want some candies get at me candace they kicked me out they asked me to leave day one i didn't really kick babies in the head you're like this is that's as high as i can kick by the way that's my high kick i'm also wearing very fashiony jeans that's my fashion jean kick i've been to utah many times and when i come here i i'm always a little bit intimidated because a lot of people out here very into fitness and i always seem to run into this guy i seem to run into a guy that seems to be fit he seems to be into nutrition fitness mental metallurgy and chemistry and for some reason he's dying to share this information with me i always meet this guy you ever meet this guy hi my name's lance i run a marathon in two hours and 20 minutes got a pulse of 38 one percent body fat cholesterol two load of measure life expectancy of 167 how you doing this is my running suit it's made out of gortex with a lining of ceruleum oxide and my shoes are pouring reinforced strontium with graphite microfiber lasers my glasses are nickel free titanium my bicycle is a mono carbon aluminum moly alloy with teflon lubricated polymer gearing and breaks of halogen trioxide and my skis they're a cadmium injected subatomic carbon fiber isotope with beryllium tungsten composite edges and bindings of supercooled floral lithium leucite and i have to go that's great but i just came in for an order i'd like a big mac and fries if you could please and hurry with that kryptonite boy thank you very much i need to start exercising like this guy look how buff this dude is right here what do you just wake up exercising just wake him glove you're a big dude you work out like every day yeah i want to i want to i want to get in i want to get in better shape i just haven't decided what shape i want like so far i've settled on softish i've been going to the gym honestly uh it's been about a month right now and i got to tell you something after a month i don't recommend it i hired a personal trainer and this guy was typical personal trainer this guy was young buff uh motivating mainly annoying you know he would keep trying to say things to inspire me i'm on a machine and he goes come on man push it and your dreams will come true i said i'm going to be handsome and rich he goes not all your dreams some dreams aren't attainable i'm sorry he could tell i wasn't even into the workout he's like come on man don't you want to be like me don't you want to have a hard body check this out man don't you want to have a six-pack i said yes let's go drink i don't want a six-pack stomach like yours i don't i think you lose enjoyment of life having that flat ripped stomach don't you look we use our stomach muscles every day for things like getting up out of your chair i just don't want i just don't want to do it at mach 2. i want to do it the regular way i want to gently rock till i build up momentum to stand yes my friend's a runner he goes you want to get in the best shape of your life become a runner i jumped on board i bought all the gear the shirt shoes had about her heart rate monitor this woman they find me to know exactly when my heart exploded how sad for the paramedic that shows up and says whose heart blows up after two blocks i wasn't good at running i ran a 5k i got beat by a kid flying a kite [Laughter] the day before the 5k i'm carb loading up and my wife goes what are you doing you don't have to carb load up to run a 5k what are you talking about i car blow it up to sleep right it's like time for bed i better have a snack i don't want my blood sugar to drop while i'm fighting ninjas there's a time and a place to run that's what it is like you see a guy in a jogging outfit you're like there's a man getting in shape getting his life together you see like a fat guy with an orange vest and a hard hat running the lunch truck is leaving [Music] [Laughter] the wife and i have a new treadmill that we've had for three years but it's new when we got this treadmill these were the actual instructions on the treadmill it said stop if you feel faint dizzy or exhausted that's like done man i felt that way getting out of bed i sat up woo fella burn i went back to sleep no pain no gain spot me i was intimidated when i went back to the gym because it had been so many years since i had been there and now they have all the new machines don't they those giant square hunks of steel and they got the chains and the pulleys on them and then you got to walk around that machine three or four times trying to figure out how to mount it and then i got happy when i find that little picture of the guy with the red marks on his body and i'm like oh that's what it does then i realize i've been sitting backwards on it the entire time people are looking at me funny i'm like shut up i'm just working my deltoid bleed cabs man get out of here i'm just trying for something you wish you could do i'm going to hawaii so you don't even know me don't even know me they say that you need to exercise especially in this day when we're so stressed out all the time here's here's the basic rule you get stressed out they say go for a walk work off the stress so i went walking one day i was stressed i walked four miles and then i felt beautiful stress was gone i'm looking around i was four miles away from my house how am i getting home then my stress came back i couldn't walk back i was faint dizzy and exhausted they say when you work out set goals mine's not to need uber but when i'm at the gym like i try to work smarter and not harder like i try to be efficient with my time you know and i get on instagram i know what the girls like abs right chicks dig the abs and i don't have them right but what i what i figured out is you can work smarter not harder be efficient work real hard on the top two and then just buy higher pants easy peasy you guys are welcome to use that one [Music] so i did what i always do when i gained too much weight is i joined a gym but this time i joined a hardcore expensive private gym because i thought it would work better it didn't cause i'm honestly i'm more of a ymca guy you know that's my speed i like it when the trainer's like there's the stair stepper think about it non-committal you know this was the total opposite of that it was like too much you ever been one of those gyms where you look around everybody's just etched out of marble you know they all look like they power walked from peru for fun you know and i get there and i'm like what are you guys working on you're done just lay down forever you've done it you've completed the mission i on the other hand first day at this fancy gym passed out and threw up three times while unconscious yeah i don't remember any of it because i was unconscious actually i remember the beginning i remember the trainer being like all right dude i'm gonna start you slow with some burpees and oh boy it got dark [Music] he said he told me the story later he said i started doing something that resembled the burpee and uh i got light-headed and i sat down and i ate a twix bar that i that i had smuggled in and then i leaned back in the chair and i go oh oh [Applause] and i threw up straight up into there like a disgusting whale breaching the ocean surface just and by the way that is the worst direction to throw up in if you could shoot this is fine that's somebody else's problem this is your problem and i i did that and then i i fell off my chair and then i threw up twice more just in case anybody missed the first one and i wake up and they'd taken my shirt off those monsters there's four paramedics saying i don't know where they came from i don't know if they were already there working out in uniform like the village people you know like like it was i was kind of fading in and out this point but the trainer said like my chest hair was there's a lot there's a big mess right there and he said i got really mad and i go whose puke is this it just keeps getting worse they put me on a stretcher and they they strapped me into it you know like they tied me down like i'm a flight risk like clearly i've shown that physical exertion is not my forte i'm not going anywhere dude you know you know what's worse than doing a walk of shame at a water park as a fat guy getting wheeled out of a gym on a gurney in front of 20 hot people so i was in the back of the gym i was in the back when i it all happened so when they they wheeled me out they had to wheel me out the middle passed everybody and out the front it was so embarrassing so just my brain went into say you know face saving mode and it just as they're wheeling me out i just did what i saw on a football game on tv once where the guy blew his knee out and they carted him off and as they're wheeling me out the front i just did a slow thumbs up [Laughter] like everything's great like i don't think so and then i had to go back because i paid for a month and it was the first day besides i didn't want that to be the last time they saw me i didn't want to have some like 25 year old supermodel being like what happened to the puke guy oh i heard he's in assisted living now but i started i i just said i got to do something i got to join a health club or something and so i started going to curves and uh and i thought i was trying to get a scholarship and uh and my friend said forget that you need to do crossfit anybody know about crossfit listen those people are insane [Music] if you don't know what crossfit is allow me to explain crossfit is where you work out in someone's garage with a rope in a bucket while they yell at you for 130 a month we were in there they had me flipping tires i was flipping tires to this side of the room and then flipping tires to this side i think that was a labor camp i might have been loading somebody's truck and i didn't know it but y'all i found this i'm gonna leave you with this i found the perfect perfect thing planet fitness planet fitness their whole slogan is no judgments no judgment so when i come in with a box fan and a carton ice cream [Laughter] [Music] well that's how i cool down [Music] [Laughter] they don't say a word [Music] but the best thing about planet fitness y'all you get a free trainer which is great because trainers are expensive so i got my my free trainer his name was steve i knew steve and i was gonna hit it off real good when i first saw him because it looked like for lunch steve had half a tic tac and uh and steve said miss mills listen the secret to getting in shape and losing weight and just feeling better is you got to have goals do you have any goals miss mills and i said well yeah um i'd like to be able to cross my legs by myself he said they need to be more specific than that miss mills do you have some specific goals i was like okay right over left work with me steve so we're not working together anymore [Music] but i got this new one and he's fabulous y'all's name's hank and hank gets me i think it's important when you're working with somebody on on a health journey just have somebody that gets you and hank said forget steve miss mills the secret to losing weight getting in shape and feeling better is you just gotta have fun and so that's why three times this week hank and i been fishing i mean i don't go we face time but um i joined a gym i don't like to exercise they have this machine there called the stair master so i stare at it i'm good i can go 20 minutes [Music] and they got karate classes my friend goes let's take karate you can learn how to smash a brick i say whoo comes in handy next time i'm mugged by a chimney stand back honey while i teach this barbecue pale little lesson i didn't take karate uh-uh you know what i did you know what i did you know what i did thank you i did what every woman in this room has done and i bought mace how many of you ladies got mace all right i'm a coward i bought a mace because i figured i'm walking around new york city someone wants to kill me i'm gonna whip it out i don't want to see it coming [Music] bring it on this stings the best part about that joke like i was like who's got me she's like i'm like oh this is utah you got a gun [Applause] good for you i did a joke like four months ago in mississippi and they go miss mississippi we got guns [Music] that's a musket jack but i've been working out got me an exercise bike that works so i'm you know pretty good i kind of ride the bed right now kind of like this so i got a treadmill for my dog because he likes to follow along behind me but i had to speed too fast and he's like can you slow it down and i went to turn it off and i accidentally turned it off and he went flying he's in the den now he doesn't want to exercise anymore he's a little weiner dog [Music] well i used to be a wiener dog now he's a pug

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,256,155

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Working Out, Working Out Dry Bar Comedy, Working Out Comedy, Working Out Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Dry Bar Compilation, Workout, Crossfit, p90x, going to the gym, getting healthy, dbc, funny

Id: vuArY7KtRXg

Length: 89min 12sec (5352 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 13 2021