Brad Williams "Starfish" 2024 FULL COMEDY SPECIAL

[Music] ladies and gentlemen Brad [Music] Williams it's show time throw time okay no no no no no no no no [Applause] [Music] New York City oh [ __ ] oh my God this is a comedy special you want it to be special you shoot that [ __ ] in New York man oh you want to know how special your show is they put another [ __ ] in the [ __ ] front round you guys get two midgets for the price of one if you don't play the [ __ ] Lottery tomorrow you're an idiot all right I love it I love coming to this city you guys are such a Melting Pot I've been touring all over the country and wherever you go every part of the country has its own little thing that they do they all have their own little thing that they do like we just did a show in Ohio jealous yeah of course you are uh Ohio's thing is that if you say the letters oh see they have to do that [ __ ] you're the only state that does that nobody else does that [ __ ] you can't go up to someone from Massachusetts and be like M they'll be like SS go [ __ ] yourself okay I'm not doing [Applause] it I'm from California try that there CA l no speaking English you're the only one that spells your state and then your Rivals the people from Michigan their thing is that you say hey you're from Michigan what part they point to their hand they point to the what the [ __ ] Michigan okay what is that where you from right there like what the hell and they do that because the state on a map kind of looks like a hand so they point to their hand the problem is none of us know where the [ __ ] that is okay we don't know what that is no one was in geography class they're like by the way Detroit's a knuckle okay no one said that but I get why they do it they do it cuz like I said the state is shaped like a hand they point to their hand okay makes sense Michigan I'm glad you do it I'm glad Florida doesn't oh you're from Florida what part tahashi like oh the taint you're from the taint all right we all have our own thing I'm from Southern California our thing is I've been vaccinated 527 times all right not that many I got vaccinated three times three times let's be honest I probably just needed one look at me my first shot was a booster okay like I got vaccinated now I was very lucky I didn't have any side effects none but some people did some people had side effects don't get me wrong I was worried I was scared there was going to be side effects what if one of the side effects is like it cures dwarfism that would suck for me I'd have to rewrite all of these jokes my wife would leave me cuz she's got a fetish that's right I don't have a dwarf wife I got one of yours that's how you know I'm really good at this job Brad you're a comedian are you funny that's who a [ __ ] I love it now does my wife actually have a fetish I don't know I don't care but Brad what if she's only having sex with you because you're a dwarf wouldn't you feel exploited no I'd be coming okay I wouldn't feel exploited I'd feel exploded I don't care if my wife has a fetish but I also don't want to find out I don't need this information I don't want to steal her phone scroll through the photos find all the ex-boyfriends turns out every one of them is just I don't want to see that I know you saw one do the dance bucket list okay like that yes my wife is taller than me which I get it it's not the norm normally the man is taller than the woman but my wife and I have a normal relationship it's a normal relationship we do normal things we go on normal date nights we walk down the street we hold hands like a normal couple just walking down the street holding hands just like that not a big deal my wife calls me her sexy keychain I'm not even mad I'm like [ __ ] yeah baby I'll be your pocket rocket let's go love the fact that my wife is taller than me and now short dudes are out there we're getting our respect we're finally getting our respect now there's even a term there's a term you're supposed to call a confident short man does anyone know what that term is short king that's right we're short Kings I know all the Italians win they're [ __ ] right [Laughter] like exactly exactly short king that's the nickname I'm not going to lie to you guys I don't like it I don't like short King no Brad you're a short King great you just called me a chess piece no you're a short King all right now I'm the villain from Shrek one nobody wanted to [ __ ] Lord farquad I love the fact my wife is taller than me we are very different people physically she's taller we're also different races I'm going to mixed race marriage mixed race relationship uh my wife is half Chinese I'm [Applause] half some of you got that joke okay some of you got it some of you are just staring at me like what's the other half and I'm like [ __ ] air I don't know I like being in a mixed race relationship it's a lot of fun Progressive you learn about another culture you get to experien parts of that culture you probably wouldn't have experienced otherwise like with my wife I'm getting good Chinese food now really good Chinese food good [ __ ] I'm white as hell I thought Panda Express was authentic all right and see you're laughing cuz you know it's not it's garbage unless they're here and they want to sponsor me in which case orange chicken it's horrible but no now my wife gives me the good [ __ ] now I've gotten to try something called xiaoen xiaa is a dumpling that is filled with hot soup it is unbelievable it is so good and of course I share with my wife the food of my people [Applause] Keebler yeah dud she took one bite it was like fud stripes blew my mind like love being in a mixed race relationship but no one ever talks about the best part no one ever talks about the best part about being in a mixed race relationship so I'll tell you what the best part is the best part about being in a mixed race relationship is you can make stuff up about your race and your partner has no idea if you're telling the truth or not and if they call you out you get to call them a racist it is awesome I do it with my wife all the time I make up [ __ ] holidays I make them up my wife comes in why aren't you working it's my day what day is that the winter solstice what does that mean means I don't work why shortest day of the [ __ ] year okay I don't I don't work and you owe me anal that's our tradition love mixed race relationships love the fact they're so accepted now which is wonderful but even though they are even though they are accepted if you're in a mixed race relationship you know people still say messed up things to you they still ask inappropriate questions happens me and my wife all the time people see us out and about they see a tall beautiful Chinese woman holding hands with a dwarf they're like okay who ordered who [ __ ] up I know it's wrong also if you're in a mixed race relationship whatever your partner is that is different than you that's what everyone thinks your thing is that's your thing you can't be with that person cuz you love them no you have to have a thing everyone thinks my wife's thing is banging Oompa Loompas that's what like that's her [ __ ] like every time she masturbates she has three screens going one's me one's wean one's [Applause] Dinklage some of you just figured out that I am not wean or Dinklage everyone thinks that's my wife's thing and my wife is Chinese everyone thinks that's my thing people assume that Brad's into Asian women that's what they think about me I got recognized a couple of weeks ago I barely get recognized so when I do I get very excited this guy sees me he's with a group of friends and one of the friends is an Asian woman he just walks up to me and goes AB brah that's creepy as [ __ ] the girl didn't know it was going to happen he basically just walked up and went you want a [ __ ] like that's weird that he was so excited too like your wife's Asian she's Asian what are the odds I don't know one in six all right does my wife get the same treatment does this happen to her if she goes to a neighbor's house and they have a law gome are they going to be like she's got a pointy hat like yes my wife is Asian it does not mean I love all Asian women it just means I love my Asian woman I love her she's great I'm a big fan it's not like you can just do something Asian and then I get turned on by it I'm not going to be like oh [ __ ] are you doing long division hold on I'll get a remainder see the white guys love that joke it's a gross dick joke that's why they laugh at it yeah Asians laugh cuz like he remembered the remainder really happy I love mixed race relationships in my life I've only ever seen one mixed race relationship ever that I did not approve of I'll explain friend of mine she's a dwarf like me all right she's uh 3' 7 3' s is about there right about my shoulder okay her husband 6'2 black man right do not feel bad for the thought you just had in your head everyone had that thought everyone had that thought the most religious person in this room just thought to themselves I want to watch them [ __ ] all right cuz you do what does that look like I don't know he's 6'2 if that man's on top and just looks like he's humping a mattress like that's crazy 6'2 holy [ __ ] that means he [ __ ] her with something the size of her that it's mathematically impossible I don't know how they're doing it do they do standard positions or does he just grab her use her like a Fleshlight like [Applause] how some of you just found out that someone at your table knows what a Fleshlight is right that's going to be a fun drive home with pop pop how does this couple [ __ ] I need this information what are they doing is there any kind of foreplay involved do Sherer just look up at him like baby tonight I'm giving you a hand job just she gets done jerking them off her Fitbit goes off wow I made my steps today [Applause] hell yeah New York hell yeah hell yeah look at this this is awesome everyone's having fun here see that's why I love comedy so many people are like oh comedy divides nowadays no it [ __ ] doesn't it does not divide it's not dividing us think about what's happening right now right now you're in a room with hundreds of strangers you don't know these people right now no one gives a [ __ ] who you voted for no one gives a [ __ ] what race you are are no one gives a [ __ ] who you [ __ ] no one gives a [ __ ] what gender you identify as right now everyone in this room at the exact same time is having the exact same thought dwarves are funny it's awesome it's wonderful I'm glad comedy could be that place where everyone comes together and has fun cuz it seems like everything else is trying to divide us everything else oh my God beer almost caused a civil war not too long ago beer holy [ __ ] and it happened overnight overnight one night you drank a Bud Light you were a red neck the next night you were a transgender activist like what that change was so fast even transgender people were like too much change now for those of you who don't know what happened with budlight Let Me Explain there was a controversy dare I say a brew HaHa [Music] the controversy happened when budlight announced they have a transgender spokesperson and some people flipped the [ __ ] out I did not I don't care I want everyone to get a job like I support transgender people they're marginalized group I want them to be successful because I am also a marginalized group I I know some of you like but Brad you're white the other thing I want transgender people to get spokesperson jobs because if they get spokesperson jobs eventually Hollywood will work its way down to little people and I'll get a spokesperson job and I could be a great spokesperson I could sell you a product I could sell you some Bud Light Light thatd be a great commercial Bud Light Light it gets you a little drunk find it in the mini bar I think more companies should hire transgender people to be their spokespeople absolutely Snickers 100% should hire a transgender spokesperson because you're not you when you're hungry grab a Snickers may or may not contain [Applause] nuts now don't get me wrong I am of two minds of this subject one part of me wants every company to stop putting politics in their commercials leave it the [ __ ] out don't tell me who you're voting for show me the product show me if it works I'll decide if I want to buy it or not that's part of me but the other part of me wants every product every company to pick an ideology and lean the [ __ ] in make everything about your product about your ideology I don't care about that because of politics I don't give a [ __ ] about politics I just want to see the commercials I want to see those Comm can you imagine those commercials for those products a liberal laundry detergent you wouldn't want to watch that commercial lib tied are you [ __ ] kidding me like that'd be a great ad liberal laundry detergent we make all colors equally bright well what does it do for the whites it does nothing for the whites it cancels the whes be a great commercial you throw in a white T-shirt at comes out of pride flag [ __ ] hilarious I want liberal laundry detergent and I want conservative maxi pads conservative maxi pads how funny would that be are you a strong conservative woman well there's only one maxi pad strong enough to stand up against your Red Wave from the makers of my pillow [Applause] Q andon conservative maxi pads now with wings but just the rightwing Q and on Maxi Pads the box is blue and white cuz we know you bleed red I know it sounds crazy but it's it's coming man it's coming cuz everything divides us now everything one of the most divisive things in our country right now is the news the news the news is not supposed to divide you it's just supposed to be information but even they have an agenda their agenda is they want you to watch more news they try to get you mad at each other they make you think everyone in our country is either on the far left or the far right and I don't think that's the case I think the vast majority of us are sick and tired of the far left and sick and tired of the far right okay we're hanging out in the middle we're not far left we're not like wear five mask get vaccinated 14 time never go outside if you do go outside if you're alone by yourself in a car wear a mask if you're masturbating wear two mask and goggles for complete separate recent never go outside there's too many variants you go outside you'll kill your grandma we're not that and we're not Florida and the main ideology of both sides is simply that they're not the other side that's all they argue we're not those guys when really they have a lot in common both sides are snowflakes both sides can't take a [ __ ] joke to save their life both sides try to cancel [ __ ] both sides they see one thing they don't like they try to shut it down right now there's a group on the far right that's trying to cancel the children's show Peppa Pig Peppa Pig I know you're confused cuz if you know that show you know pppa pig is a great show it's Charming it's about a bunch of farm animals they have British accents they all have human characteristics it's a delightful show but the controversy happened when the show announced they want to introduce a same-sex couple on their show they want two male dogs and they're going to have a dog kid me I was like great that's wonderful representation matters but for some people they got very upset they're like well I don't want my son seeing some dogs do some gross [ __ ] he watches your dog lick its own [ __ ] well it might turn him gay no it won't no it [ __ ] won't cuz nothing turns you gay nothing I can watch 90 hours of gay porn I'm not going to be like I wonder what's on [Applause] Bravo now I understand there's going to be people out there that disagree with me and I also know that as a comedian I'm probably not going to change your mind all I can say is what are you truly afraid of in that situation what do you think's going to happen cuz it's a children's show all that's going to happen there's going to be two male dogs they'll stand next to each other they might hold hands and the kid will call both of them dad that's it your worst fear is not going to come true you're not going to turn on a children's show and there going to be two dogs sucking on each other's pink things okay that's not going to go down it's not going to be like which one's the gay dog oh the one with nine nipples pierced all right that is not there's not going to be a very special episode where Peppa Pig comes out is like like are you a top dog or a bottom dog it's not the dog's not going to howl and be like ah no the dog's not going to introduce himself and be like okay my pronouns are ARF and rough both sides cancel [ __ ] right now there's a group on the far left in Canada that successfully cancelled the name of a Youth Hockey division because they said it was too offensive don't worry I'll tell you the name the name of the Youth Hockey division and it's been this way for years has always been the [ __ ] division now I feel like I'm uniquely qualified to talk about this and me personally I was not offended I was not to me it made sense kids small [ __ ] small [ __ ] division okay I'm also kind of proud we're the only disability that got our own division the only one the only one no nobody else got their division you can't go out on a Friday and watch the cystic fibrosis slap the puck it's not going to happen but some people got offended and they complained and they changed the name of the division the problem is that the new name I think is worse it is cuz the new name of the Youth Hockey division in Canada is the under 18s right that's icky as [ __ ] oh my God the under 18s what the [ __ ] you can't go to your friends and be like hey it's Friday night let's go watch the under 18s you can't say that the under 18s my God why don't you just call it the barely legal division the commissioner can be Jared from Subway the under 18s you can't call a youth Hockey division the under 18s nobody's going to want to score on the under 18s at least not before the first [Applause] period now some of you that joke may have offended you okay I'm not saying you're not allowed to be offended I'm not saying that at all I'm not saying you're not allow to have things that you don't like and you don't prefer absolutely not I'm just saying that we should probably draw a line between I don't like it and it should not exist there has to be a compromise in between those because there's plenty of things we all don't like I don't like a lot of [ __ ] okay I don't like the Disney classic film Snow White I hate that movie I could think of you know seven reasons off the top of my head but just because I don't like the movie does not mean it should not be allowed to be out there you're an adult you can make that decision for yourself we don't do that with other things we don't do that with stuff like sports you're allowed to like whatever sports team you like your friend could like whatever sports team they like you could still be friends that's part of the fun is you like different teams you watch a game you talk some [ __ ] it's great I was watching a basketball game not too long ago my bud Adam and we like different teams so we're talking [ __ ] and all of a sudden this commercial comes on I don't know if you saw it here it's for a company called Roman the ad just starts off with a voice over going did you know that 50% of men suffer from erectile dysfunction it was just me and Adam in the room watching basketball together and they're like 50% now we're looking at each other like one of us has to get a boner right now 50% holy [ __ ] does anyone think that's a real stat 50% you understand what that would mean that would mean boner no boner boner no boner boner white guy backwards baseball hat definitely no boner okay could you imagine ladies if they had that kind of commercial for you you're just sitting there watch TV with your girlfriends a commercial comes on a voice over pops up ladies do you know that 25% of women have a smelly vagina even if that was real women wouldn't be like which one of us is it no they would all just yell out it's [ __ ] Carol that's why we only do outdoor activities with Carol she's fully vaccinated but we make sure her [ __ ] wears a mask I know that's a fun joke that's a fun one unless your name is Carol then it's not fun at all that's really awkward joke if your name is Carol you were having a good time now your friends are looking at you going ha and that sucks I'm sorry I don't like to apologize for jokes I'll apologize for that one to the carols but carols please you have to understand I have to say that name I have to say that name cuz my wife's best friend his name is Carol and I [ __ ] hater all right hate her hate her hate her I'm telling this joke on my special it's my dream one day she introduces herself to someone goes hi I'm Carol the other person just goes smelly [Music] [Applause] vagina dude it's bad Carol's trying to ruin my marriage she is she tells my wife [ __ ] all the time your husband's a comedian he's on the road every weekend what do you think he's doing Without You on the road I'm watching Yellowstone and I'm crying Carol all right shut up snitches get stitches [ __ ] all right yes I travel a lot for my job that's the job that's part of it that's how I provide for my family here's how often I travel I was home not too long ago just for a couple of days thought to myself you know what I'm home for a couple of days I'm going to help my wife out around the house I'm going to do some man [ __ ] don't laugh when I say man [ __ ] I said man [ __ ] you're like yes you are like [Applause] what I have a house that's got a front yard that's got to get mowed that's a man [ __ ] I got the lawn mower I'm going to start the lawnmower it's hard for me to start a lawnmower little arms no torque all right no torque at all I got to start the lawn mower like son of a [ __ ] that's what I got to do I finally get the lawn mower going now I got a whole new set of problems cuz the bar is right there I can't see [ __ ] I don't know where I'm going I don't know what yard I'm in Hey where's the dog found him all it's bad I finally get done mowing my yard feel great about myself then my neighbor start to walk over now you got to understand I have lived in my house now for 7 years seven years neighbor walks right up to me and just goes did she just hire you are you available to do other yard in this neighborhood thought it was a gardener my own [ __ ] house I wanted to get mad but I couldn't I just started laughing cuz I was like oh my God they think I'm the gardener what do they think about my wife they think my wife is this hot single Asian woman who's rich enough to have a white [ __ ] Gardener you're laughing if you ever saw your neighbor with a white [ __ ] Gardener you'd be like they are killing it right now where do you find one of those what do you pay him Skittles my wife was happy I mowed the front yard she even called up Carol he mowed the front yard Carol's response about time this is why I hate this [ __ ] okay I hate Carol cuz Carol is one of these perpetually single women obviously that's fine there's nothing wrong with that but now all of Carol's friends are getting married they're getting engaged and now they have less time to hang out with Carol this makes Carol very upset so she is actively trying to ruin her friends marriages so could have more time to spend with her it's diabolical she reads these relationship surveys you're supposed to share the results with a husband or a boyfriend she doesn't have a husband or a boyfriend she's 100% pure Carol okay so instead she reads the results of my wife and judges our marriage are you guys doing a lot of activities together you should do a lot of activities together that's I know your love you got to do a lot of activities together married men straight men we know what that means right activities lady comes to you and goes we're doing something you know it's going to be something she's going to love and you're going to [ __ ] hate now now I know there's a lot of women right now like oh no Brad my man loves doing that stuff with me no he [ __ ] does not no he doesn't no man has ever woken up had a free Saturday and thought to himself sweet flea market okay that is not happening I know this I know this cuz I had a weekend off not too long ago I never get weekends off I get a weekend off I like to do nothing stay at home watch the TV pet my dog that's what I like to do and I'm doing that I'm having a great time my wife comes in the room big smile on her face she's like okay I just got off the phone with Carol [ __ ] we've made some plans I'm not going to like them I never do the plan is never something like today we're going to blow Brad for 30 minutes then shut the [ __ ] up okay it's never that never that but I'm a good husband so I look at my wife and go that's awesome honey you made some plans I'm home on weekend we can spend some time together that's wonderful what are we doing today my wife Just Smiles goes okay we are going apple [Applause] picking you want to take your dwarf [Applause] husband here audience is love and pressure allow me to do an impression for you here's my impression of me apple picking ready that was me for 4 hours on a Sunday damn it why why apples why not strawberries that would have made some [ __ ] sense they grow on the ground I can be an asset run drag my arm get them all one shot all the Mexicans would be like he is a legend but I get why she said that my wife said apple picking because for her there's not a problem there that's the thing you have to remember whatever your normal is it's not necessarily everyone else's normal I think people forget that people forget that their normal is not the normal for everybody else I have friends that say confusing [ __ ] to me all the time cuz they forget my buddy JB ball he's a black guy he once said to me hey Brad don't you love it when you're a woman you and you just get to dick slap her in the face I don't possess the necessary equipment that can dick slap a woman okay I I can't I can mine doesn't slap mine no mine does not slap slap I can squish all right I can squish but I can't slap now I have never seen what equipment my buddy JB is working with but I'm assuming by certain stereotypes and specific porn scenes that I have watched that JB can just reel back and just Will Smith a [ __ ] okay I'm pretty sure like he can do it he can do it it probably makes a noise when he does he probably does it like what mine doesn't make a noise I do it it just goes whenever I have sex with my wife the neighbors think we have ducks in the house like [Applause] it's but I guess it worked once I guess my dick worked at least one time cuz we have a three-year-old baby girl together my wife and I yeah one time I've got swimmers yeah 3 years old man great age oh my my daughter's fun I love being a dad she gets so smart she changes she gets smarter and smarter every day she becomes a new human being it's so impressive to watch a human being just develop right in front of your eyes I've been there for a lot of the big uh momentous occasions the all the Milestones like I was there when she said her first word her first word I was holding her she just looked at me she went Daddy and I'm like she knows who makes the money like said Daddy while looking at me she's smart cuz I got a friend he's got a son his first word was Daddy he was looking at the fridge his kid's a [ __ ] dumbass kid not my girl no smart said Daddy first then we try to get her to say mommy next it's a very logical next word would have made my wife really happy say daddy say Mommy we tried she couldn't do it couldn't say mommy no the next word she said was the dog's name yeah my dog's named after my favorite football player de brick sh Ferguson couldn't say Mommy couldn't pronounce the M her M came out like a b so she called my wife Bob see you're laughing my wife did not find that funny at all I laughed every single time it happened we'll get her in the morning she'd be like Daddy Bob I'm just cracking up my wife's looking at me like it's not that funny I'm like yes it is is yes it is that funny what's so funny about it well I mean later on tonight I'm going to try and [ __ ] [Music] bob that doesn't make me feel very sexy it should you're a b love the fact we had a girl too oh I wanted a girl I did my guy friends don't believe me they're like no you're a man you wanted a boy no I didn't I didn't want a boy why would I want a boy to carry on my sports Legacy not going to lie kind of hate it when you laugh at that joke okay not going to lie I didn't want a boy cuz I was a boy boys are stupid they're dumb they do dumb [ __ ] I don't know if you're a parent you got some little boys in your house right now running around your house yeah just know that if you have a favorite pillow they've [ __ ] it all right they have they [ __ ] your pillow they have yep sleep well um boys do that they do dumb [ __ ] I did dumb [ __ ] when I was in high school I did really dumb [ __ ] when I was in high school I used to play a game with my high school friends called nutball nutball you sit across the room for your buddy keep your legs spread apart take a tennis ball take turns hucking it at each other's nuts the whole point of the game is to hit your friend in the dicks that his dumb ass would never reproduce that is what men do cuz we're morons I saw you you put your head in your hands exactly cuz you're a woman you can't understand that cuz you're not that dumb you're not you and your girlfriends are never getting together and having a a good game of split [Applause] [ __ ] I don't care how drunk you are you're not looking around like I don't know girls how about tonight a little [ __ ] SWAT there might be a lesbian in here that's like actually touche I support the clam slam I love being a dad it's great so much fun being a parent don't get me wrong it's also very stressful it's insanely stressful it's scary it's scary being a parent if you're a new parent and you're scared don't feel bad that's a normal emotion it's probably good you're feeling it it means you care you're invested in the well-being of your child I'm scared but I also know that my fears have different forms than the average siiz guy right cuz like my worst fear my worst fear is I fall into the crib and get stuck W you're laughing but you're also like that could happen to him that could totally happen to him right I'm waking her up in the morning I'm a little hung over I'm like don't worry baby daddy's got your milk in the crib now what now it's just me and my daughter both screaming for my wife to come in the room together I'm looking at a three-year-old like if we know we're together we're not going to make it out of here alive my wife comes in the room my daughter and I have the same reaction up [Applause] don't worry Bob's going to save us now when I tell people I'm a dad often times people have a certain question about my daughter they want to know if she is also a little person that's a normal question it's normal my wife and I had that question we didn't know we asked our doctor doctor say we a 50/50 shot remember look at my wife like hey real talk your daughter might be a dwarf are you going to going be okay with that my wife was like [ __ ] yeah I want a dwarf baby I'm like that's awesome Your Enthusiasm is a little creepy I'm not going to lie I'm like why do you want a dwarf baby she goes oh it'll be the easiest delivery ever I'm like what no well yeah you guys are small and like yeah parts of us are small the head no no no my head's the same size now as it was back then my wife was like was it really that bad I go yeah my mom still holds a grudge let's just say that Brad Williams has been tearing [ __ ] up since day one thanks for applauding my mother's mutilated vagina so we didn't know what was going to happen so but they actually have a test you can run you do an ultrasound you measure the length of the limbs it's amazing stuff so they do that they come to us they say Mr Mrs Williams we found out that your daughter is in fact a little person she has dwarfism and I got very excited I wasn't supposed to have a preference I did I wanted a dwarf baby I wanted a dwarf baby I didn't want a tall baby no tall babies grow up they get bigger what happens when my daughter turns nine I'm her dad I got a discipliner how's that going to go go to your room [ __ ] you dad want a dwarf baby the only thing that scares me is what if she doesn't like it what if she doesn't like being a little person I don't know how I'm going to react to that like if I come home one day she's like Dad why am I a dwarf it's like oh God like what can I say I can't be like I don't know maybe you got it from your [Applause] mom but so far so good she is a happy healthy normal kid I am so proud to be this little girl's father I really am great my family's stoked there's no little person in the family my wife's family was so supportive which really made me happy there was really only one person that had a problem yes [ __ ] Carol okay [ __ ] Carol yeah thank you thank you and listen people ask me all the time they're like Brad is Carol real yes yes she is very real I use her real name I don't give a [ __ ] this special is going to be seen all over the world sue me Carol okay sue me I want you to I want you to sue me Carol then you'll have to prove in court you're not a [ __ ] oh I will tell you the story all right Carol comes over this is the day we're going to tell her that we're having the baby she comes over and we're like Carol we're pregnant she's like oh my God she starts rubbing my wife's belly that's pretty normal then she grabs my wife's titties for some weird reason grabs them just straight up oh my God your tits are going to get so big your tits are going to get so big you're pregnant so your tits are going to get so big she's grabbing her tities I told all of my guy friends none of them grab my dick like hey congratulations man you're going to you're going to be a great father this is so exciting oh my God being a dad it's the absolute best being a dad it's happiness it really is it's happiness yep like you think you know what Joy is until you look into the eyes of your child you have no idea what Joy truly [Applause] is side note men if you're on a date with a woman ton night and she knew what that move was marry [Applause] her so she rubs the belly Carol grabs the titties and then Carol looks at me and just goes Brad is the baby going to be like you or like me and I was like right well Carol she's not going to be like you she's going to be rich I wish I would have said that I really wish I would have said that it's my wife's friend I got to be nice I was like oh Carol actually we ran some test and we found out that she does have dwarfism she's going to be a little person just like her father and Carol's response was to go oh oh her life is going to be so hard m now I'll tell you what I did say I said Carol Carol I get it I get why you said that you said that because for you dwarfism is an unknown you don't know about it you're unfamiliar with it and often times people have a fear of things they don't understand which I get I'm not perfect Carol there's normal Parts about your life that scare me I live my life terrified of being an ignorant [ __ ] I did say that I did say that yes it made me so happy it made my wife so mad my wife was like you're sleeping on the couch tonight I'm like [ __ ] worth it also that's not even a punishment you put a dwarf on a couch that shit's still a king-size bed for my ass I hopped right on like starfish don't get me wrong I'm not naive she said her life's going to be hard I know that as a little person my daughter is going to face challenges and obstacles in her life that a child of average size will never have to think about I know this cuz I had to face a lot of those challenges myself but I also know know that she's a human being and all human beings face challenges in some way shape or form everyone in this room you have faced and overcome a challenge at some point in your life can you be born with privilege of course you can can you be born with advantages absolutely doesn't mean your life is going to be easy cuz at some point you're going to have to go through adversity and if you've gone through it you know that the best way to get through adversity is to have a strong support group around you and if dwarfism is the worst thing my daughter's got to go through well then hallelujah cuz she's going to have a guide who's going to hold her hand walk her through this life who has lived this life and by the way I've done a pretty [ __ ] good [Applause] job also my daughter is not just a little person it does not define her the same way whatever your challenges have been in your life they do not define you you are more than the adversities you have overcome my daughter is not just a dwarf baby she's also my wife's kid Asian dwarf baby okay Asian dwarf baby and right now you're thinking what does that mean that means she's the cutest kid you've ever seen in your entire life oh my God Asian dwarf baby Asian dwarf baby she's not even a kid she's a Pokemon all right Asian dwarf baby she is so cute baby Yoda go [ __ ] yourself okay you got nothing you got nothing on the Asian dwarf baby or the ADB as I like to call her her life is can to be hard what Asian dwarf female she's three she already got into 14 colleges okay fingers cross She's a Lesbian she can never get fired Asian dwarf baby Angelina Jolie is like [ __ ] I don't have one of those that's [Applause] awesome I love the fact my daughter is a little person for what that means if my daughter is a dwarf that means dwarf sperm one the dwarf sperm one yeah the dwarf sperm was sitting in my nuts with all my tall sperm looked at them I was like you know what [ __ ] y'all I'm going to live okay and hey worked fought for the right to exist that means my daughter is a born fighter and if she's a fighter she takes after my wife cuz my wife is a fighter literally if you saw my last special you know why if not I'll explain my wife is a highly ranked highly respected highly skilled martial artist she has reached the level of Master she has been practicing martial arts for over 18 years years over 18 years that's older than our Kelly's girlfriends like over 18 years now we live in the United States of America that means a lot of you guys sleep next to guns that's cute I also sleep next to a weapon and occasionally I get to have sex with that weapon I know there's probably a redneck in here like well I [ __ ] my gun that's not the dist charge I was talking about Sir now some men would be intimidated to be with a woman that powerful I'm not I love it it turns me on I think it's sexy as hell I love the fact that my wife could take any single person in this room and destroy you but we had a dwarf baby so you want to know what she couldn't destroy these nuts it's so amazing how life changes so quickly I have a family now it's crazy I got my wife got the baby we even got a dog too now the dog was not my decision I was not involved in this decision I wasn't home when the decision was made I was on the road doing a show and my wife has a friend who runs an animal shelter she found out that a particular dog was about to be put down so she called my wife and said hey could you Foster this dog just for a couple of weeks so we find another owner so we don't have to put the dog down my wife was like of course and her friend was like well should you ask your husband she's like absolutely not and all of a sudden I get a FaceTime call from My Wife and she points it at this animal 72 lb Pitbull okay Pitbull and I'm just like I'm scared and my wife is like why are you scared like look at that dog that dog is not a dog that dog is buff as [ __ ] that dog is Jack that dog's Paws have abs okay I'm terrified the dog doesn't know who who I am I'm going to come home the dog's going to look at me and go woo wonder if that squeaks and I say what's the dog's name maybe the dog's got a cute and cuddly name cuddles fluffy pumpkin shnook something like that she goes ah the dog's name Diego I made that face and my wife was like well why are you being so insecure I'm like I yes I'm being very insecure I just found out that Diego is sleeping next to my wife and he's got a bigger dick than me okay I'm insecure and I look at my wife and I go honey I love you very much remember Diego is not our dog okay we are fostering this dog that means we're going to find another home who all agrees they want the dog give the dog to that family then you and I can have a discussion if we get a dog or not but Diego is not our dog don't get attached to him that's my word my word is final [Applause] every married man just went how'd that work out for you dumbass well I got home a few days later open the front door there's Diego middle of the house tuned on a bone or a Chevy whatever he's [ __ ] huge he looks up and sees me and just goes and starts running at me and I'm like this is how I die he runs he stops he skids across the floor comes back about an inch and a half away from a face and just licks my face he licks my face again and I'm like yeah I love this [ __ ] dog oh my God I love this dog so much I'm so glad it was my idea to get him now I got a dog I got a pitbull I get to take him on walks do you have any idea what people are thinking when they see a [ __ ] walking a pitbull they're just like that's a badass [ __ ] yeah love this dog and I'll be the first one to admit it I was wrong I was wrong about pitbulls okay I was wrong I thought pitbulls were these mean aggressive violent dogs and they are not they're sweet they're kind they're gentle they're loyal as all hell if you ever meet a piece of [ __ ] Pitbull it's only because a piece of [ __ ] human taught that dog how to be a piece of [ __ ] they're not naturally like that take two seconds do some research you'll find out pit bulls were bred for a very specific purpose they were bred to watch children their nickname is the nanny dog if you put a baby next to a pitbull instant kicks in and goes that's my baby that's why my dog loves me saw me was like that's my baby I don't know why my baby has a beard I don't judge love this dog take him on walks take him to the dog park one time I took Diego to the dog park I let him off the leash I'm watching them play from the other side of the dog park a Dalmatian sees me I don't know if you guys know this but apparently Dalmatians and dwarves have been feuding for years I was unaware of the war the dalmatian sees me and just runs snapped the leash it was on snapped it now we've all been a situation before where a dog got a little loose what does the owner normally do oh you're okay he's a big dog he just thinks he's a little dog you're going to be fine that did not happen Dalmatian snapped the leash you looked at me and went r [Applause] my people don't run we Scurry okay we Scurry so I'm like [ __ ] that they're scurrying like a [ __ ] but the dalmatian is tracking me like a cheetah tracking a gazelle and the African SAR Andy gets up to me jumps on me bites my shoulder now I'm fighting a dog I am fighting a dog I don't want to fight a dog I don't want to hurt a dog but I got to defend myself so I've watched a lot of UFC tapes okay yeah I'm trying to get the dog into a guard position all right trying to get the dog guard position but apparently the Dog Saw the same UFC tapes dog passes my guard just starts raining Hammer Paws down on me [ __ ] me up like where the hell is the owner look I see the owner he's standing there with five other strangers phones recording that [ __ ] all right yeah you want to know the story ends go to YouTube Type in dation rapes [ __ ] like you're going to see something Dalmations bite me scratching me bat me Dalmations [ __ ] me up does not look good then from the other side of the dog park you just [Music] hear Diego it's Diego he's like that's my baby and he starts to run at the Dalmation he lowers his shoulder boom Nails a dalmati Dalmation [ __ ] off I'm like that's my pitball I give him a treat I give him a pat I hop on and then I rode his ass home thank you New York City my name is Brad Williams thank you for being a part of this New York so good to see you I love you we'll see you next time good night everybody [Music] m [Music] n [Music]

Channel: Brad Williams

Views: 812,396

Keywords: Brad Williams, Brad William, Brad Williams Comic, BradWilliamsComic, Brad Williams Comedy, BradWilliamsComedy, Brad Williams Comedian, Starfish, Star Fish, Starfish Special, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedy, Stand Up Comedian, Comedian, Comic, Comedy Special, Full Comedy Special, Full Special, Fun Size, Fun Size (2015), Daddy Issues, Daddy Issues (2016), The Degenerates, The Degenerates (2018)

Id: EWge7dihrRY

Length: 56min 37sec (3397 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 20 2024