Shane Gillis Live In Austin | Stand Up Comedy

everybody i was thinking about the first time like congress had to come up with age of consent that'd be like the powdered wigs and stuff that had to be a rough day for the fellas it's like some guy coming up first like from rhode island 12 and i was like ew ew no dude i don't know why i have to go first on this one it's like the hardest one to go first on [Laughter] she's talking [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this is exciting i was a little too excited i panicked and got this haircut what an insane up my hair was fine it was totally fine and then two days ago i was like i gotta i gotta salvage this it's crazy that i thought the hair like my hair was i was like if i fix my hair i'll look good like that was the final piece of the puzzle for me there's a dominican barber shop by my house in new york i think i'm the first white guy that's ever been in there i was basically christopher columbus of this barber shop and they me up dude don't get if you're white don't get a dominican haircut you end up just looking more racist it was nice though he kept trying to reassure me the whole time he was like no man's your head's good kept saying your head is good i was like oh thank you whatever this haircut how are you guys [Applause] it's good it's good i'm happy it's nice everybody's back inside all that i don't know i had a good i'd like to go i had a nice time i live in new york so i left i went back to my parents house because i have white privilege [Music] some people didn't get to leave the city i did because of my privilege and i used it you got to use it you know what i mean does it feel more disrespectful to waste it you know what then we're all just being racist for nothing [Music] but no it's good i went home my parents haven't lived with them in over 10 years they got old they're old as they've milked though i'm back on milk been crushing milk lately i got milk fat this year it's a weird time in life to have a milk renaissance it's 33. it was nice i think my favorite part of the year was i i got to watch my dad watch the news it's a rough year for my dad and the news he's a fox news guy don't do that it's fine also i see you guys most of you have fox news dads how dare you deny your fathers that's a good dad i don't watch fox but that's a good fox news mom that's fat you don't want fox news mom that's a bad mom she smokes in the house but a fox news dad that's a good dad can you imagine if you had a msnbc dead there's some guy every night at dinner like we need to start focusing on renewable energy it's like it's like ew dude i didn't know dad was gay talking to me about solar panels like a lady he might have her straight as hell dude we hate the environment that's how straight we are all we talk about is eating and fracking we hate nature we go fishing we don't even eat fish do we just catch him and no he's good he likes spot he watches fox he watches it every night like every fox news dead my dad watches fox every night until he can't that's how long they watch they watch every night until they get so angry they have to go to bed my dad will watch for like two hours and then out of nowhere he'll just stand up and be like mr potato heads trans i'm going to bed this world's going to hell he's all about it dude he loves it like every fox news that my dad watches fox with one goal he's just trying to get one fact that's all he's doing he's sitting there he's trying to retain one piece of information that he can then relay to whoever's unlucky enough to enter the living room while he's watching and you think it'd be easy to get one fact but every once in a while there's like a commercial for like a commemorative 911 gold coin just wipes their hard drive what was i watching i gotta get one of those i got my hands on those patriotic coins [Laughter] my dad drinks too so he can never he can never get a fact ever he'll come in the living room we'll be he's hammered watching the news every night which is the wildest way to take in world politics like just hammered on a in a recliner like whoa it's like footage of rocket attacks in israel he's like whoa what the hell are they doing over there what's this guy's problem but he can never get a fact like he tries he tries he's he he uses fox news as like a power point for what he's trying to say like everyone like we'll be eating dinner and like hannity will be saying something he's like see that that's what i meant look at that that's me talking i can't say it that good he can never get a fact you'll walk in the living room he's been watching the news for three hours he'll be like all right what's going on in the world he's like do you want to know i'll tell you nancy pelosi is a all all right settle down dude that was the news last that's the news every night from my dad they're just like breaking did you know nancy pelosi is a i had a feeling but he likes everything they say he agrees with he's all in i realize like fox news is basically black church for old white dudes you know i mean like literally everything they say my dad just said say like yes preach tucker every once while he gets hit with the holy spirit while he's watching it the holy ghost visits him he's just like oh lord build a wall can i get a wall he needs a wall my dad needs a wall for a guy who lives in central pennsylvania securing the southern border it's like oddly important to him i don't know what he's worried about like he's going to lose his job you know like some guy from honduras is going to walk the whole way to pennsylvania just slam her resume down on my dad's boss's desk so you're here for the sales position stay quiet also there i was just at the border of arizona and mexico there's a wall i had no idea i got down there i saw the wall i was like holy he built it they were like no it's been here it's been here for like a century you got to tell my dad i'm him up he gets fired up every night it's a crazy way to go to bed every night just [Music] so there's apnea mask on every night you caravan dude you walk in the living room in my house right now my dad he'd hit you like southern borders of mess right it's crazy but i make fun of him for it and then i i do the exact same thing just with my phone every night i just look at my phone until i can i'm like mr potato that's it every day i just get on read opinions from people i know are dumb like in person i know they're dumb i've talked to them i'm still reading their twitter their political opinions it's great and my my twitter is crazy it's it's half where i'm from which is the middle of pennsylvania so it's it's white trash and then half now all now i live in new york so it's crazy like all you know i still have uncles they all just got twitter they're all fired up they're having fun dude they all have like zero followers they just tweet into the void they love it dude they do it for the love of the game like panera was good today this is on to a server that'll outlast civilization and then now all my new friends are literally communists from brooklyn so it's wild dude my social like i'll get on i'll get on twitter and the first tweet i see will be someone from back home that's just like colin kaepernick better stand up like this tweet if you support the police share it if you're not gay and then the next post is just one of my new woke white friends that's just like i'm not racist that's it [Music] every day for the last year just a different white person popping up like look at me look at this article i shared to my instagram story i'm not racist right it's like all right are you sure i don't know if you know this like being racist isn't like a yes or no thing you know i mean it's not like you have it or you don't have it like being racist is more it's like being hungry you know it's like yeah you're not right now you know it's like yeah you're not hungry right now but a cheeseburger could cut you off on the highway you get hungry we're hungry all day [Music] the cheeseburger is jewish in that joke no okay cheeseburgers whatever whatever type of cheeseburger you thought it was in your racist heart [Music] anyway [Music] that's it i just get online read opinions from people the news like other news is kind of like this is the most divided this country has ever been say with the like the red states and the blue states it's like why because we tweet at each other you know we had a war right you know this country had a civil war that was pretty divided like at least nowadays we're communicating with each other back then those guys never they got the news like once a month some guy would come by on a horse and they were like who's talking the guy was like the south is talking that i don't like that give me my gun i'm gonna go down there i'm gonna walk i'm gonna walk down there for a month straight shoot the first guy i see down there the civil war was basically just the north just shooting racism out of the south that's what happened the north was like south chill and the south was like no so a bunch of guys had to walk down there and shoot them a lot and they're like all right we'll let them go or not to be nice to them for a while until we find out they're good at football and then roll tides [Laughter] hey raw damn time i don't like i don't like alabama football i watched i just watched this documentary on alabama football it's great it's about well it's not i don't know i don't know if you should say it's great but it's about it's about album football it's about when they desegregated their football team so up until this point alabama football was just wide all right and everybody down there was pumped on that they would pack the stadium everyone would be like look at all those whites running around catching it hey look i'm not knocking them too hard because i still have a little bit of that in me you know like if a white guy catches the ball on sunday i'm like oh go go go go go go ah they got him they got him it's a tough run a smart run head's up run there but no they took it too far and uh so the documentary focuses on that it focuses on bear bryant bear bryant legendary head coach he was the head coach that brought the first black players onto the team so the whole documentary is like celebrating bear bryant they're like way to go bear you did it what a hero and then you find out it was 1971 yeah well a little late for high fives on this one fellas holy 71 like we had been to the moon there were literally people on the moon before alabama had black eyes in their secondary [Laughter] does anyone understand there were white corners white cornerbacks you understand how preposterous that is some of some of you are too young to have ever even seen a white corner they're extinct they don't exist there there's two left at the san diego zoo they won't reproduce you'll never see a white corner but that's what happened it wasn't like the reason they desegregated the team it was that's what the documentary focuses on which is great because it wasn't like oh hey fellas it's 1971 maybe we should get with the times what happened was alabama scheduled usc southern cal alabama was confident they're like oh white boys will take on anybody and then usc came down to alabama with a bunch of black dudes from l.a just beat the out alabama and then after the game bear bryant gave like a speech and he was like hey y'all come on that was it that's all it took everybody down there was like yeah we get it we'll be less racist if it means we can win what that's what it is like as big as racism is in america football that's true that's true look the goat there's a disney movie remember the titans dedicated to what i just told you the whole point of that dude that was one high school football season remember the titans was like it was eight weeks you know that whole town went from like centuries of like don't let them in our school to just like oh the high school team's 4-0 those are my brothers [Laughter] all right i'll get off the topic the point look the point i'm trying to make the point i'm trying to make is if you want to get rights in america you just gotta put together a good football team you know what i mean like if the transgenders if the transgenders got together and put together just a hard nose run it down your throat ball club the transit just three yards of the cloud dust of transgenders if the trans if the trans community could just somehow upset alabama everybody down there tomorrow would be like those are some tough actually right [Applause] all right we got out of that there's some rough patches in there that's all right well this won't go great either uh [Laughter] you know how like every show and movie now it's like a remake of something they just remake an old thing and just make it like more progressive and just put it out like they remade they remade ocean's 11 like a heist movie with like all gorgeous women that movie should have been 10 minutes long they literally should have got to the casino and just blown the security guards they've all here's the keys to safe take everything i love you you guys you crazy i love you i just that's it that's all they make they either make that or they make like they make slavery movies every year those are for no one i have black friends i was like dude you guys do you guys like these they're like no we thought you got these were for you like no we all hate those stop making them it's uncomfortable civil rights movies are good though i like like uh like judas and the black messiah was sick remember the titans is great hidden figures was the movie about the black ladies at nasa or as my dad likes to call it medea goes to the moon look that was him that said that he said that as soon as he said i was like what did you say you don't talk like that so every movie is just remade is more progress i just think it'd be funny if like the right started remaking you know i mean if they just start like conservatives like there's a new scooby-doo coming out and it'd be funny if like the right remade it it's just like scooby and the gang going around ripping the wigs off of transgender people it's like that's not a woman some guy i would have got away with it we solved the case of the starbucks ghoul [Laughter] has enough time passed that we can can we admit that trump was funny can we finally admit that he was funny well hold on i don't i don't like the tone of that that's not what i'm going for here yeah the great leader he was funny now whether or not that's a great quality for the commander-in-chief that's definitely up for debate but he was funny i saw it [Music] and i lived in new york so the whole time he was in office i would be like you know something would happen i'd show my friends like look at that they'd be like what it's funny okay there's nothing funny about donald trump i don't i don't know during hurricane dorian he was like maybe we should nuke it like that was that was a real suggestion from the president the president said that the president of the united states he was like hey we got a big storm coming you guys want me to blow it up and i was like no what the are you talking about i don't know i around dude that's what i do i don't know now that he's gone i'll never like i'll never watch a debate ever again can you imagine like just a regular debate now after we went like we witnessed the goat undefeated in debates and he never said a fact you know how impressive that is he was funny and he argued like a fifth grader he was unstoppable people tried to hit him with statistics and facts he would just go wrong holy dude how is no one prepared for this go back and watch those debates you forget how how good how electric that was don't tell your friends in austin they'll be mad just get a six-pack toss on a trump highlight video on youtube it's a good night dude why i went back i watched his first debate that's like my favorite one at the time trump was pulling it like less than one percent like he was no one liked him if you guys like him now you did it back then and i know that because my dad i watched my dad my dad at the time he would like any time trump even came on tv my dad was like get this joker get him off the screen and then now my dad's like guys can't go to the capitol he's like guys can't have fun anymore it was because of the debates that's what did it do that's how we got trump these debates and the first one is the best one so it's a republican primary everyone's up on stage and they're all still doing their political so like the first couple guys that talk are like i'm from kentucky and i love education and the crowd's like nice we didn't know what was coming then the next guy's like i'm from georgia and i love religion the crowd's like pretty good this is a good one it was a heated debate and then i finally got to trump's turn to talk and he was just like rand paul is ugly and the whole crowd was like oh we didn't know you could do that in this you can just do that as your thing and rand paul was like all right everybody settle down we're trying to have a debate here and the whole crowd was like shut the up rand paul ugly and we just kept throwing dorks up on stage to make him debate trump it was not fair it was mean for us to have done that to people these guys were in politics their whole lives and they just had to debate a maniac up there who didn't give a dude and i hated he was fun to cheer for him in the debates it was fun to cheer for him in the debates because he dude he was going up against guys that had been in politics for like 40 years and then he showed up to the event like oh it what are we talking about he had no clue every week he had no idea there's one debate there's one debate he's like in the middle of it going back and forth about the economy with ted cruz they're literally talking about the economy and in the middle of it he's just like ted's wife ugly as a dog holy dude ted was like i'm from texas you don't talk about a man's family like that you've got a dog wife ted everyone knows [Music] [Music] yeah and a week later ted cruz was on tv like i support donald j he's like you i will say this the one thing that sucked about trump losing was for me was because i just figured out kind of how to do his voice that's kind of a bummer that i just it's not hard to do trump it's very all you have to do that just do that do that a second off from where it should be in the sentence and then all you like you don't have to sound like him all you have to do is like get his cadence down it's very easy all you have to do is like describe something and then say you described it that way that's it it's every time like what a big room this is i walked in here i said wow what a big room that's it every time [Applause] austin a lot of homeless i walked in here i said wow that's a lot of homeless you guys got it you got a lot of homeless you gotta what are you guys doing about it whatever you guys are doing is not working so cheap switch i don't know what to do either but do something a lot of tense [Laughter] why it's been making me laugh thinking about trump like not understanding why people are homeless i walked out i saw him i said why are you living in tents i could never these guys but i will say this about trump i don't want you guys to get i don't want to turn this into a rally i will say this so don't freak out just listen i will i think it's fair to say that of all the presidents we've had i think it's fair to say that trump would have been the funniest one to see get shot you know dude the patriots got fired up on that dude i was having fun at this show no look i didn't even say it would be funny i said funniest it's a huge difference technically there's the funniest of everything there is it doesn't make it funny but there is like think of the worst thing you can think of there's a funniest one i'll go first i'll think of one school shooting none of those are funny zero funny but maybe there was one where like the horse girl in the class like could sense something was coming you know i mean they're like what's wrong and she was like [Applause] [Laughter] but back to what i was saying about if you had what i said was true if you had to rank them from least funny to funniest assassination easy number one really he'd be talking like when it happened he'd be doing like a rally my opponent's gay i walked in i saw him i said wow this guy's gay the shooter would be coming out be like sit down you're gay get hit he'd definitely make a funny noise into the like he'd get hit back you fall funny i will say i did i did write that joke before biden could be added to the rankings i don't think he would be the funniest but the only reason biden might be the funniest is because i think biden's the first president you could punch assassinate you know what i mean just walk right through the metal texas big mr president the are you doing dude it's a body shop [Laughter] i'd add that joke [Music] my dad's he can't be talking about killing presidents what about body music my dad's he's a good good guy he's an alcoholic but he's good he's like a good he's a good alcoholic he's not hurting anybody but everyone's he's always has an excuse while he's drinking that's what's funny about it like he can never just get hammered and be like yeah i got up like it's always like you'll see him on like a monday you'll be like damn it's monday you're getting up he's like it's it's monday night football have a couple of drinks geez you'll see him on like a tuesday you'll be like damn it's tuesday you're getting up he's like it's there's no football [Music] what the hell and my sister does heroin and uh and that one we're like you do need to you know you need to stop doing that which sucks for her because if she played guitar everybody would be like instead she's a hairdresser so it's not as cool relax it's my family it's my family don't worry about it actually based on this crowd i'm sure it's actually a lot of your guys families and that's all right we're allowed to talk about it my sister since she was doing heroin we had to have a intervention for her she lived out in pittsburgh we live in the middle of pennsylvania so we had to trick her to come home you got to trick him i don't know if you know these guys they're not just stopping by they're very busy they're the busiest people they get a bad rap for being lazy because they take a lot of naps but if they're awake they're very busy they're scurrying around dude doing quests that's what they do if you do heroin long enough you run out of money you got to start doing quests you know it's you know it's like a up game of zelda every day you just wake up to a new quest it's like you need to gather coppers gonna find a scrap yard it sounds nice i wish i got quests but eventually the quests get pretty dark scrapyard that's like level one towards the end the quest you need to get titty behind the home depot [Laughter] it's when it's time for a change so we had to come up with a plan to trick her to come home for the intervention the plan we came up with was we told her that we had won tickets to go to six flags and it worked she called back she's already all right i'll be there just got on the first bus it's like a seven hour bus ride there's nothing to them dude no if you take heroin every bus is a bullet train it's a five minute ride tops anyway so the plan was pick my sister up from the bus stop not take her to six flags they could take her to a hotel where we're gonna have an intervention i didn't want to start the intervention with like a lack of trust so i took her to six flags the day of her intervention the more that day she and i went to six flags together and i thought that was a nice gesture but it turns out intervention is supposed to be rock bottom you know what i mean like intervention's supposed to be the worst day of your life not like you're tired from easily the best day humanly i mean she took heroin and rode roller coasters it was dude it was impossible we sat down with you better change your life she's like i'm going back tomorrow [Laughter] and i was with her she was she was up if you know anyone from pittsburgh you know what she was wearing she was wearing a steelers jersey and pajama pants steelers pajama pants she dusted off her finest heinz ward for the occasion [Laughter] so we get in there there's a water park there we didn't know they added that we haven't been there since we were kids we get in there there's one of those water slides it's just like a straight drop like no sides on it no raft just by yourself she looks at it she's like i wanna go up on that one i was like yeah all right yeah it you know i knew she was going to rehab like that night so i was like yeah get this one in you're gonna you're about to have a rough couple months here this is gonna be also i figured they would stop her she was wearing a steelers jersey and pajama pants trying to get on a water slide all they did was make her take her crocs off her yellow crocs so she's climbing up this ladder she gets to the top of this giant water slide you know how like when it's your turn next on a water ride you got to like lay there in that water and like wait to go she she nodded off she took a nap up at the top like a dracula laying in front of some high school lifeguard that's like uh ma'am it's your turn uh he just sent her down due to sleep just flying down this thing dude she there's a ramp at the end she hit her we all got to watch her wake up in air she did the whole you know i don't know how that wasn't rock bottom so you woke up in air anyway don't be sad about it she's good she did go to rehab and that's good yeah she's done she stopped using it she's sober she's all good two years clean yeah yeah yeah it's good she did uh she did get cancer though so and covered cancer and covered [Music] so i'll tell you what this was cool i got i was with her i lit she was at home she went back to my parents because when you have cancer and covered you got to go home you have to go home you can't keep hanging out but no i was with her it was crazy she this year she beat heroin cancer and covet it was it was like living with rocky it was crazy dude every week my whole family was like give up you're never gonna win this she's like just kept winning when she got covered i was like all right you you're definitely dead [Music] i ain't hear no bell this just wailed on it dude yeah she's got a hell of a chin a hell of a chin on my sister and that's what better quality could you ask for in a human anyway damn dudes that music across the street dude that bothers me i'm an old man now turn it down okay now what is that rap turn it off gotta talk about my sister doing heroin over here this has been making me laugh i've been thinking about like the first time uh like uh jesus christ i do comedy a lot and every once in a while you can hear music from another room and it's like damn dude music's so much better [Laughter] every time i hear music i'm like dude that crushes what i do some idiot dressed like cam newton press and play it's so much better than this you guys want to hear about my problems this guy's like take molly finger someone i'm gonna press play you guys do you they're having so much fun over there get out of here you go dance [Music] i knew you wanted to dance that guy wanted to dance all night all right i like my family it's a good family i had to go to my niece's uh 7th and 8th grade girls volleyball match recently no i'm kidding i'm kidding dude shut up just relax i don't want to kids but if you ever want to get out of something that's all you have to do like if your friend like do you want to come to our son's t-ball game be like what great are the kids in and then no matter what they say go fourth [Laughter] no i went to this kids volleyball match can we knock it off with volleyball shorts on little kids it's weird it's gross dude just get them gym shorts that's all no dude it's gross because then you know it's just me and the other uncles up in the up in the bleachers kind of making eye contact with each other bro are you seeing this [Laughter] such a funny way to just destroy a show just right at the very end be like aren't kids hot yo give it up for trump aren't kids hot no i am i truly am serious about the gym shorts though it's weird and so i got home from this volleyball match my roommate his girlfriend played college volleyball so i'm very excited to like on volleyball whenever i can so i get in there and i was like yo volleyball is that's a weird culture get them shorts get them gym shorts the shorts they're wearing is gross and she was like no we need those shorts for speed on the court and i was like uh i know that's not true i watched the nba none of you are moving as fast as like a ref and those guys are wearing like slacks dress shoes for some reason she was like no we need those shorts the tight shorts they're essential she compared him to like a helmet in football i was like i know they're not essential because i googled the uh the special olympics volleyball team [Laughter] all of a sudden those shorts weren't so essential for them what's that about [Music] how baggy do you think they're they look like the n1 mixtape out there offensively baggy is how i would describe all of their attires [Laughter] we're all adults we can this we all agree the special olympics is a good it's a good program i just it's great i just feel like the guy who came up with it had to be like a real risk taker you know i mean that's a wild thing to suggest for the first time some guy in a board meeting like i got an idea we should be racing these like what'd you say uh town over said that the fastest ones say we settle it you know i'm not making fun of the olympians the concept is wild it's a while like if your best friend invented the special olympics and told you about it first you'd be like don't ever tell anybody that were you going to tell that to what are you doing polvo [Laughter] i actually personally i actually volunteered and coached with the special olympics for a little while so you know what you guys do no don't clap please i did it for those kids [Applause] i look like this so me coaching the special olympics i was like a double agent no one knew whose side i was on dude player chaperone no one knew i'd be standing there coaching holding a clipboard with five dudes that looked exactly like me i always see the coaches from the other team looking over like i think they got i think they're letting one of them coach yeah no i did coach this special olympics for a little while and it's fun that's another thing you're allowed to talk about it's happy everyone there's sportsmanship it's it is funny don't let anyone tell you it's not funny dude i was there [Music] everyone there is laughing it's fun i coach basketball kids would catch the ball just just launch it into the bleachers people be like what the you doing out there my whole team ruled everybody every dude on my team was they were the funniest they they were bros they're bros dude my whole team loved two things they love tits they do i don't know if you know these guys dude they love the ladies they love the ladies and they love john cena that's it that was the news every day we'd be in the huddle there'd be like a lot of ladies here tonight it was like yeah they'd be like what do you think john cena is up to oh you're gonna have to get way worse before you meet him [Applause] see it just here's like the angel of death for those guys i told my guys i was like you see seen it coming you get the out of there he's taking souls with him [Laughter] every year hooters would sponsor our one basketball tournament all right so every year hooters would bring like three or four waitresses and they would present like a big cardboard check donation to the special olympics as soon as the girls entered the gym the game changed entirely dude it went from like hugs and sportsmanship to just like dudes got competitive like very competitive ripping down rebounds just hitting layups [Music] and then at the end of the game there'd be a hug line you know between the waitresses and the players and yeah that went about exactly exactly how you would imagine that went we to break out the jaws of life dude my boys my boys are ragged on those young and i'm not knocking the the players they were totally in the right the girls were hot the waitresses like every year i would sneak into the hog line myself all right i think i'm going to get out of here guys thank you guys very much this is a lot of fun thank you [Applause] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Gilly and Keeves

Views: 13,532,501

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Id: zKUpf1Vx0vs

Length: 48min 4sec (2884 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 07 2021