- [Immigration Officer] Next. - Hey, how's it going? - Passport. Oh, you're Irish? - Yeah. - I'm Irish me self. - All right. - My great-grandfather's
dog, Sparky O'Houlihan, came over on the
boat 200 years ago. - Oh. - Yeah, it says here
you're a comedian. - Yeah, sometimes. - You're not gonna make
jokes about America, are you? - No, that'd be crazy. - Yeah, not my country. Well, welcome to America,
my Irish brother. (passport stamping) (audience applauding)
(audience cheering) - Thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. I am indeed from
Dublin, Ireland, but
I live in America now so I identify as Latino. (audience laughing) I had to start doing
that to get through your automated
customer service lines because the other options
are no good, are they? Like the minute you
call up, they're like, "Thank you for calling. For English, press one." I was like, I don't
wanna be English. (audience laughing) My people have been avoiding
(resisting?) that option for about 800 years now. What else have you got? You just keep listening. It gets immediately better
'cause they'll be like, (David speaks Spanish:
para español,marque dos) I said, I'm in here and now
these are my new people. (audience laughing) Yeah, that's the beauty of this identify as whatever
you feel like culture that we have at the moment. No one can even
get mad about that. But I didn't wanna shock
my parents too much 'cause they don't know
they raised a Latino. (audience laughing) Yeah, so it is at least logical. Irish people, Latinos already
emotionally connected. We both like drinking,
dancing, fighting, mostly work in construction. (audience laughing) We are primarily
Catholic, we love soccer, speak a whole other language, and have problems
with immigration. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) We're already one people. But it makes my life a bit
confusing now because I'm Irish, I'm sarcastically Latino,
and I live in America so I have white privilege. Yeah, I never had
that in Ireland. (audience laughing) So quietly confident
I caught it here. I know, and that's kind of
ironic if you know your history, 'cause you'll remember
the Irish people when we first got here, we didn't get the most
privileged treatment. But that can get forgotten. If you're treating history
like a Netflix series and you just join in
season six, you'd be like, well, it's going great
for the Irish, isn't it? (audience laughing) Look at them over there
with their shamrock shakes and their parades. (audience laughing) They used to be filth, now they
have their own Spring Soap. It's a real
rags-to-riches story. It can get easily forgotten when we first came
here, there were signs. They said no Blacks,
no dogs, no Irish. I dunno what you did if you were a Black Irish dog walker. (audience laughing) You were not coming in. You actually had no
immigration laws in America until one group of people
turned up, Irish people, and you're like, well,
we gotta do something about these lunatics. And that's how all your laws
got written into being law, and we love seeing laws and
finding a creative workaround. That's kind of what it means
to be Irish partially as well. Like, that's nice. Doesn't apply to us. We'll find a creative
and potentially fun way to get around those
laws, and we did. We just started
shagging all of you. All of you. (audience laughing) That's why many of
you are here tonight. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) We did it indiscriminately,
everybody got it. Black, white, pink, Cuban,
Asian, Israeli, Palestinian, even English people. (audience laughing) Oh, we would've shagged the
Queen if we got to her in time. Oh yeah, and with that strategy, we penetrated the very
fabric of American society. We got to the point
of 23 US presidents claim Irish heritage. And were so lovely when
Obama said, I'm Irish, we all went, yeah, feck it. Why not? Go on. (audience laughing) Yeah, like nobody asked to see his birth certificate, you know? (audience laughing) Yeah, who would do that? That would be crazy. We had a picture of him
drinking a pint of Guinness and we were like, well that's
good enough for us, Barack. You know, a lot of people
were saying Hussein, we read O'Bama clearly. (audience laughing) It's in the name, isn't it? Clearly Irish. (audience laughing) We were delighted
about the addition of such a cool character. That's how we are, we're
a very welcoming country. We are so welcoming, we
don't even have a Chinatown. Yeah, we just let
them live with us. (audience laughing) That's a deep statement. Take your time. (audience laughing) If this woke society that we
have that's a little bit fake at the moment has
rubbed off on you, you'll be triggered right now. You'll be like,
(American Accent) "oh my God, I'm
offended right now. I can't put my finger
on exactly why, but I will think
about it tomorrow while I'm having a sensible
vegan brunch option, and I'll walk it off. I'll cover my body in
Lululemon merchandise, and I'll grab my three
legged rescue dog Murphy and I'll just be dragging him along while carrying
a four liter indestructible canister of
water to stay fully hydrated while I'm listening
to Terry Gross on NPR to keep up with
issues of diversity, and I will figure out why
I'm offended, I will." (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) I am glad you were
here staring at me because we emotionally
connected on that one, and sometimes people
just knew and she's like, oh, well that one's
clearly a reference to what he's interpreting
as a fragmented and sub divided
society in America that likes to call
itself a melting pot, but is realistically more
of a charcuterie board. (audience laughing) You know, like it has all
these wonderful exotic flavors, and then you keep
making it worse by adding too many crackers. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) You said it. (audience laughing) It's a great contrast to
Ireland when you think about it because we don't
have, as you rightly nailed on the head there,
don't have a Japan town Korea town, little Italy, Latin
Quarter, little Bangladesh, little Armenia, or Chinatown
'cause we're equally shagging our way into
everybody's family tree. And that's just brought
to you by 23andMe 'cause we are always
in your results. (audience laughing) We're always in there. If there's no Irish in there,
that's a false negative. Just do it again. You know, treat it
like an antigen test and just keep doing it until you get the
result you're expecting. There it is. And no matter where
you think you're from. You could be sitting
there and you're like, I'm definitely Black. And we'd be like, "Are you? Are you really?" (audience laughing) 38% of all African Americans
have Irish heritage and that list is fantastic, and includes Colin
Powell, Alicia Keys, Beyonce, and Shaquille O'Neill. (audience laughing) I don't know how
you missed that one. That's a huge example. It's in the name and everything. Irish and African cultures
were so intertwined when we both came to America, that we shagged it out
so frequently, together, we invented tap dancing. (audience laughing) Yeah, invented horizontally,
done vertically. And that was just
through the blending of those cultures, isn't it? That went on to
become jazz music. Irish and and Black culture
always a bit connected. It goes all the way back
to 1845 if not before when Frederick Douglass
escaped slavery, became a famous anti
abolitionist and said, I'm gonna go around the
world and tell them all to be anti-slavery. I'm going to Ireland
for four days. Got there and he
went, oh they're fine. They already know. (audience laughing) Yeah, he said
Ireland woke as feck. (audience laughing) Now I'm paraphrasing. He didn't really say that. I sarcastically inserted
the word woke into his mouth because I mean,
that's become a bit of a fuzzy word these days. We don't even know
what it means. Some people like it, some don't. I think it boils
down to being nice, and Irish people we've
been knocking that outta the park for a while, and Frederick Douglas,
what actually he did say was "this is the
first time in my life I've been treated as a
man and not as a color," and he stayed for
four whole months. So, look at that. Irish people just way ahead
of the curve on that one. (audience applauding) We're pretty good. Just a bit of Black history
for you 'cause we love it. You have Black history
month here in February, we have it in October. So already there are 10% extra
Black history in Ireland. (audience laughing) You went short, we went long. That's what I'm saying. (audience laughing) At any moment, this show
could descend into trivia. It is just 'cause I like trivia, but I never know how to
feel about it in America 'cause I watch your
news and you have two different
versions of the truth. So which trivia am
I meant to believe? To find out what's going
on in this country, I have to watch the Irish news. (audience laughing) 'Cause I love a
good bit of trivia. Like, Irish people famously
friendly, yet slightly sneaky. Yeah, we invented
or were central to the invention of the
tank, the guided missile, and the submarine. Yet the most damage
we ever did America is sending you our priests. (audience laughing)
(audience howling) See, that really
touched some of you. (audience laughing)
Inappropriately. That's the power of
good trivia, ya know? We are connected
to every culture. Many Latinos here tonight? (audience cheering) Ooh, I am surrounded. (David speaks Spanish: Vamos
a hacer el show en español) seria mill de veces mejor, y
dejar los gringos por afuera See, I really committed
to learning that language. I love it. I said well I'm in
the second largest Spanish speaking
country in the world, and I wanted to commit
to that language because I didn't
wanna get caught out by some Karen in
Whole Foods one day. (audience laughing) You know, they'll get
you, she'll be like, (American accent) "Oh my God,
I saw your little skits online where you identify
as a minority group that you are clearly
not part of." And I'll be like, (Speaking
Spanish) Karen, hjpta, . que largse hasta alla (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Oh, that would be very
enjoyable, wouldn't it? You just see her
scurrying off to the Tesla to avoid a racial hate storm, and there's nothing but
a trail of confusion and goji berries behind her. When Irish people first came
to America and we were like, hello, help us
starving refugees. America's like, all
right, but you gotta fight in our war against Mexico. Well, that doesn't
sound like a great plan. Have you got any other
programs for the refugees? (audience laughing) Because America always has
a program for something, but no they didn't and we ended
up fighting against Mexicans and we were down
there and we're like, jaysus, we like these people. I don't know why we're
fighting against them at all. We have a lot in common,
they're great fun. And then we saw the
deal breaker, Latinas, we're changing sides. (audience laughing) Yeah, we saw, we were
conquered, and we came. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) We did, we genuinely
changed sides. We became the first
country in European history to fight on behalf of Mexico. And that is the longest, yet
most historically accurate way to say we also shagged
our way into Mexico. (audience laughing) If you know your
history of that group, they're called
the San Patricios. There's a lot of cool
things named after them to honor that connection
between the two places. There's a guy called William
Langford from Wexford. Most people know him as Zorro. You didn't know that Zorro
was a sneaky Irish dude. The legend of Zorro
based on a mildly illegal masked immigrant riding
around doing nice things ahead of his time, and he
was a skilled swordsman with a blatant
disrespect for authority. Definitely Irish. Definitely. (audience applauding) Definitely, and we left a
bit more modern evidence. You just go on Google
images and you type boxing, and then you add
the word Canelo. (audience laughing) And just have a look
what comes back at you because you're gonna see a world
and Mexican boxing champion that's suspiciously red haired. (audience laughing) Pasty white skin
covered in freckles and his real name is
Barrigan, an Irish name. So if someone could get
that man of 23andMe result, we can claim another
true champion. (audience laughing) We are connected,
those cultures. Do you know where they
differ a little bit from Latin people
to an Irish people? Latin people are not as
sneaky as Irish people. Like, you don't even... In Spanish, do you know
the word for sneaky? Where are me Latinos at? - [Audience Member] Picaro. - Picaro, they're not
agreeing with that over here. I heard an audible no over here. "sospechosa". Not really,
doesn't translate. Isn't this amazing? That's the diversity we
have in Chicago these days where an Irish person
is confusing Latinos with their own language. (audience laughing) It's a bit of a
sneaky trivia one because there's
loads of slang words, but there's no direct
translation from English Spanish to the word sneaky. And yeah, it's fantastically
ironic 'cause if you're Mexican and you're kinda known for
sneaking over the border. (audience laughing) And there's no word for the
thing that you're doing. (audience laughing) I mean, are you just walking
over an arbitrary line in the ground to, you
know, visit your family or pick a few strawberries or
maybe celebrate Cinco de Mayo? A festival created for you. And Americans are like, Hey
man, you snuck in there. You're like listen,
that's the past tense and irregular verb
that I don't have. (audience laughing) I'm just gonna keep walking until someone buys me a
flight to Martha's Vineyard. (audience laughing) Oh, that was sneaky. I'm just delighted to be here. America one of the most
positive places in the world you could ever be
based anywhere, and just the opportunity
just to talk to people like do this is fantastic 'cause we were without
it for a while, and I always didn't
get to do it. When I actually first
moved to America, the job I had I came
on a diplomatic visa, and one of the first
tasks they gave me was organizing the
Irish president's visit to Seattle and Vancouver, which was a huge
mistake by someone in a position of authority. (audience laughing) They just overlooked
all the red flags you're seeing here this evening. And there was a guest list
to do and they're like, who's doing the guest list now? They're like, you are. And I was like unsupervised. I invited everyone I ever met. I was like. (audience laughing) I was in Seattle and
me uncle lived there. He'd moved from Ireland years
ago and I forgot he's so big, he's 6'5 that he grew up,
when he was 17 years old, he drove a mini
Cooper from the back. (audience laughing) And he just removed the front
seats for extra leg room. So he's pretty sizable. You're not gonna miss him, and he got so emotional
during the president's speech and my boss had told me, only C-suite level
executives or above. And he worked in the
logging industry and I went, well, close enough. (audience laughing) Gotta invite him, can't
miss out on this one. And he got so emotional
during the speech he decided to rush the stage that he wanted to
hug the president. Yeah, I dunno if
you've ever watched your career changed live. (audience laughing) It was him moving
towards him, oh no. And the Secret
Service were there, but they were on low alert
because Irish people, we never did it. (audience laughing) It's a fairly unique group
of white people in history where you're like,
well what did they do? We're like nothing. We're good actually. And you might correctly say, well, didn't you blow
up some British people? And we'll be like,
yeah, but historically, who hasn't wanted to do that? (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) You can't even invite those
fellas to a tea party, can you? But no, we did make
one bit of a fauxpas. When Hitler died, only one
country sent condolences. Yeah, Ireland. (audience laughing) Yeah, how bad does the prospect of continued British rule
have to be that we're like, well, we better hedge
our bets on this one. Somebody send them some
flowers and tell 'em we loved his painting. Get 'em over there. But normally, we haven't
done it, whatever it is. And that applied here because
they were on low alert. My uncle is moving
rapidly towards the podium completely unobstructed. He gets there, grabs
the president in a
kind of a bear hug and he's so big she just
disappears into his body. My boss elbows me in
the ribs and is like, "David, who the feck is that?" I said, "I have no idea." (audience laughing) And at that moment he
kinda leaned forward and was like, "David,
get the camera. Get a picture." Yeah, and that's
why I do comedy now. (audience laughing) I never planned on it. America, I blame Americans. It's just too
supportive with stuff. You can have the worst plan
over here and Americans like, "you should try that. That could be a great
journey for you. I'd love to see that." And, you know, you
do get the feeling when you move to America
that anything's possible and I got talking to this girl drunk as a monkey on
St. Patrick's Day, and she was kind of waddling
towards me in a green shirt and it was made by Bed Bath
and Beyond of all places. So pretty classy stuff
we're talking here, and it was a bit controversial. They genuinely were making
these because it said on it, everybody loves a
drunken Irish slut. That is not true. (audience laughing) Not even Irishmen love
drunken Irish sluts. (audience laughing) That's why we're here. (audience laughing) For your drunken
American ladies. And if we get lucky,
maybe we'll end up in your Bed Bath and Beyond. (audience laughing) But this one, drunk as a monkey, and it was that classic
American conversation starter that scares foreigners. Like, what do you do? What's your job? What do you do? I'm like, all right, take
it easy, drunken lady. I didn't really wanna tell her. So I was like, you
know the Antarctic where it's cold and is
ice and snow everywhere? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, "Because
it's ice and snow everywhere, it can be slippery and they
have penguins walking around, loads of penguins. And I was like, sometimes
'cause it's slippery, the little penguins,
well, they fall over. I stand them back up again." (audience laughing) I didn't think she was
gonna believe that one. I gotta tell you it
was a magical moment when she called her friend. She's like, "Oh my god, Megan,
you're not gonna believe. (audience laughing) The Irish guy, he's a
penguin stander upper." (audience laughing) I was like, wow, anything
is possible in this country. (audience laughing) But everything is
accumulation of factors. I had time after
that, a friend of mine tragically suffered
a spinal cord injury and all his American
friends were rallying around to do fundraisers for him
to get him back on his feet. And they kind of rubbed
off on me and I was like, oh, I wanna get involved here. What can I do? And they're like, oh, could
you host an event for us? You love talking,
you're always talking. I'm like, no, no, this was long
before I'd ever did comedy. I was like, I'm afraid
of public speaking. Actually most Irish people
hate it, I'm no different. I hate public speaking. For me, it's actually
a crippling fear. And he said, I'm in a
wheelchair, you dildo. (audience laughing) I was like, you're right there. You have a fair point. It's not a crippling fear. I'm gonna have to try
and get over this. That is a terrible phrase. And so I started trying to do
it and I started doing comedy. We ended up doing a fundraiser,
we kept it going for years, and I ended up going down
a bit of a rabbit hole of trying to raise
money for people with spinal cord injuries
because of our friend who was affected by it. And I was trying to be all
business cool, you know, from what I learned with the
government sending emails, you write kind regards
all the time, don't you? Like some days you're
being lazy and you're like, I don't need to be kind today. Just regards kind of a day. (audience laughing) Unfortunately, I'm
dyslexic and every time I wrote the word regards,
I put a T instead of a G. Some of you way better
at spelling than I am, and I was not writing
regards anymore. It was re, all right,
but it was not regards. And sometimes I just dropped
kind and went re not-gards to people with spinal cord
injuries for two whole years. Nobody brought this to my
attention in two year period. And now we live in a
society where they're like, that word's not
acceptable anymore. And I'm like, I fully agree. The only problem is I
have documented evidence that I used this word. (audience laughing) I wanted just a hole
to open in the ground and just disappear
into it and I was like, I'm never making a
mistake like this again. 'Cause when you're dyslexic
you make a lot of them, and I was like, I
can't make one again. And a friend of mine
sent me a message. He said, I know you're thinking
about moving to Los Angeles. Do you want to try out
apartment here for a month totally for free, blah, blah,
blah, something about a cat. And yeah, I'd lived
in America long enough to know that free
is my price point. (audience laughing) I didn't need to read anymore, and that was a bit of
an error of judgment because my companion
in his apartment was Doug the psychopathic cat, and Doug had some
interesting hobbies. His main one was pouncing from
the darkness and stabbing me. (audience laughing) Oh, he loved a bit of stabbing. Any exposed piece of
skin was fair game. He was just drawn
to exposed skin, and I'd even give
him a bit of neck and he just out the corner. What the hell's this
cat hanging there like Alex Honnold just
hanging off a cliff face. Free Soloing off my ear lobes. I was like, this
can't get any worse, and then it did
'cause I got COVID about four weeks before
it was fashionable. And because your US
medical system is so crap, I had no idea what
was going on with me, and I've lived in America long
enough that I know you guys are great at turning a
negative into a positive. So I always try and put
the positive on something, and it is with the
medical system. It's equally one of the only
countries in the whole world that you can just go online
and diagnose yourself and prescribe yourself
medical marijuana for fairly questionable
medical reasons. (audience laughing) And you can get that
delivered to you by a socially awkward person
on or in an electrical vehicle, and then you just add
Chunky Monkey ice cream and you're like, whoo,
I am better already. (audience laughing) I don't even remember
what was wrong with me in the first place, and
that was the treatment I was doing with myself. And I was there locked with
this cat, and unfortunately, the bathroom was separated
from the bedroom by a hallway. So to get to the toilet,
I had to run the gauntlet of Doug the psychopath. Yeah, and I dunno, now
obviously diarrhea, it's disgusting and
who wants to talk about bodily functions ever. But it was a bit of
a part of COVID now, and you'll know if
you really need to go and you haven't got control, the preparation for
going does not happen when you get to the
actual bathroom. The minute you hear
something funky, you're running and you're
already dropping the pants. I was outta the door and
I was in preparation mode, and that was a huge
error of judgment. I was like, how can I make
diarrhea and COVID worse? I'm just gonna add
a short-haired tabby hanging off my private parts like a furry kettlebell
dragging along behind me. I didn't think it
could get any worse, and the only respite
I got from Doug was to barricade
myself in the bedroom into what i thought was safety. But I forgot the little nut
job used to love eyeing up the little quarter inch
gap under the door, and I grew up with cats. I never had a cat do this. He'd just lie on his back
and he'd just slide in under like a mechanic going
in underneath a car, and he'd extend his
little psychopath
paws in under the door and just start playing
an imaginary air piano just all night long doing his
best Stevie Wonder impression from the darkness. I didn't see his cat
size claws for 14 days. I didn't even know
quarantine was a thing, but that was my quarantine. I finally escaped from that
into the month of March (2020), and that was the
first march in history that Corona Trumped Guinness. (audience laughing) Irish people did not
see that one coming along with a lot of
the rest of the world, but now I had a bit more time
on my hands than was expected 'cause I couldn't hang around
with you lovely people. So I said, you know what? I've been hearing about
"Game of Thrones" for ages, and I have all this
medical marijuana for non-medical reasons. I'm just gonna combine
the few of these and just see how
it goes for awhile. And I was so stoned
watching "Game of Thrones" that I started
making correlations that clearly are not reality. (audience laughing) I decided Jon Snow,
the main character, was the history of
the Irish in America. (audience laughing) I dunno how I'm the
only one seeing this, but every episode he's
talking about the weather. Every episode. Winter is always coming
for Jon over there. At the start, everybody thought he was a bastard, didn't they? And then they didn't
like him at all and they forced him
to defend the walls that he had nothing
to do with building, and fight against people that he had no beef
with whatsoever. Sound familiar, Latinos? And they'd point out
groups to him and say, Jon there the
Wildlings over there. We don't like that
group of people and he'd be like,
"Ah, I kinda like 'em. I specifically like that
red-haired one over there." (audience laughing) He had shagged her within a
couple of episodes in a cave. And in doing so,
united those groups of previously fighting people, and it's just from shagging. And then of he went
south and they said, Jon, we don't like
that group here either. They're the Targarians. And he said, well same
thing again for me, I kinda like one of them. There's a good looking
one over there. And they're like,
Jon, she's so feisty. She has a fire breathing dragon. That's pretty Latina
when you think about it. And then he shagged
her, didn't he? And he united those tribes, and then they dug
up more information. They said, Jon, we're
starting to like you. We did some research. One little thing, you're
not a bastard anymore. We know who your family is. You're currently
shagging your auntie. Yeah, you might wanna stop that. And he's like, no, I
gotta unite the tribes. I'll keep going. And he did, and he
brought 'em all together and now they're all together. They love him so much
that they decided we gotta make Jon the king, and in the end they gave
him back the one thing he always wanted
the most, the North, which is pretty representative
of the Irish issue when you think about it. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) You might be rightly asking, how long did he waste of his
life to come up with that one? And that was 70
hours and 14 minutes. Oh man, and then
when I ran out TV, I ended up like a
lot of the world, you do a bit of
scrolling on TikTok. It just came out and you're
like, ooh, what can I find here? And I was delighted
I did because I found this beautiful 21 year old
Black girl from Virginia called Morgan Bullock, and
she was doing Irish dancing to Megan Thee Stallion music. The greatest thing
I've ever seen. That's our national dance,
but with natural rhythm. (audience laughing) We've been missing
that for a while. And somehow we got famous,
despite the obvious handicaps for natural rhythm for dancing. We commercialized it, we created a show
called "Riverdance," sold out to 25 million
people around the world despite only moving
from the waist down in an in and out
gyrating shagging motion. And then you're
shocked when we end up in your 23andMe results. I thought this
dancing is fantastic. Let me enter the chat
and just have a look and read the comments. It must be very nice. And all of a sudden it wasn't. And they all said
the same thing. "Oh my god, that's
cultural appropriation." Yeah, some Becky in
Berkeley, California who couldn't get an acai bowl
for breakfast that morning, and was angry at the
internet about who knows what on behalf of a country
that she wasn't from. There was a lot of them. All the comments came from
one particular country. You might know it
'cause we're here now. (audience laughing) None of them were from
Ireland because we know that you cannot
appropriate Irish culture. You can appropriate other
cultures, but not Irish culture. It's impossible. 35 million Americans
claim Irish heritage. Between 50 and 80 million people around the world
identify as Irish. That means we're the
largest per capita diaspora in the whole world,
and we only have 5 million people in Ireland. (audience laughing) You Americans, you
love joking about an Irish goodbye
and an Irish exit. Clearly, we're not pulling out. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) We are in there 'til the end. But there was all
these negative comments all of a sudden all
from the same thing. Now luckily, entered the chat, the half Indian gay
leader of Ireland. Because while you're
talking about diversity, we've been living the
brand and, you know, stereotypes are a bit
of a thing sometimes. So when I say over here we had half Indian gay
leader of Ireland, they'd be like, "oh my god, you had an affluent Indian
man in charge of your country? I bet he was a doctor. Those people are
always doctors." I'm like, yeah, he was a doctor,
and his dad was a doctor, and it was a pretty good time to double down on doctors
during a global pandemic. In contrast to your rather
interesting leadership choices. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) I mean, I don't wanna
cite probability, but one of those
leaders way less likely to grab you by the
pssy, you know? (audience laughing) I'm pretty sure that was
our half Indian gay dude. They'd be like, go
on grab her by it. No, no, no. Good, you're in charge now. (audience laughing) 'Cause if you wanna
shut up a bunch of predominantly white people getting angry about
cultural appropriation, which we know can't be
done against Ireland, and you wanna silence them, there's nothing more effective
than a brown faced gay dude who's the leader of a
predominantly white country in the past to enter the chat
and say, shut the feck up. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) That's... I'm paraphrasing there. He wanted to keep his job so
he said it in a nicer way. He said, "Morgan, well done. We love your dancing so
much so you should come over for St. Patrick's Day
to Ireland and dance." And she said yes, and this
young girl flew over to Ireland and they did a radio
interview with her, and unknown to anyone,
they had a surprise caller during that interview. And the guy called in, he said, "Hey Morgan, head of
"Riverdance" here. We'd love you to be
the first Black dancer in the 25 year history
of "Riverdance. What do you say?" And she said, yes. The best part of
that story by a mile is that her first
ever show in America as a Black Irish Riverdancer
was in Salt Lake City, Utah. (audience laughing) Was right there Under
the Banner of Heaven. (audience laughing) We had a young
Black American lady helping to shag our way
into the very fabric of Mormon society and God, that is Cultural
Appreciation, isn't it? Which is a much better term. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) It's a good one. (audience applauding) A really cool story though, and if you get a chance to
see her doing Riverdance, she's on tour the moment. Go see it. But I was at a stage where
I was like, you know, I was wasting my life basically. I watched "Game of Thrones," now I'm TikTok scrolling
away, I survived Doug the cat, but I'm not doing
any productive. And a friend of mine's like, "Would you not take some of
your little comedy videos and throw them on the internet? Sure no one's gonna
see them anyway." Yeah, that worked
out a bit better than I thought, to be honest. 'Cause my negative Irish self, and that is our
natural demeanor, I was like, this is not
gonna, what a waste of time. I hate social
media to be honest. I never had any public social
media really with any effort until two and a half years ago, and it took Americans to show
me the positive of something I always thought was negative. And I was very glad you
did because I got into a bit of trouble a few months
after I started doing it. And I said something
in Pittsburgh, that I don't believe to
be controversial at all. I said, and you might
have heard me saying it, Irish people have
no white guilt. None, and it's due to a
revolutionary strategy we had where we had potatoes in
the ground and we all went, feck it, let's
pick 'em ourselves. (audience laughing) Over here. You, over here. Yeah, I'm not explaining
that joke again, okay? (audience laughing) Yeah, if you don't get that
joke, you are the problem. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) But I was in the hotel
that night after the show and I was heavily medicated
for non-medical reasons, and I was eating
ice cream in bed. I had a pot of Chunky Monkey
and I had no challenges in the world at that moment
outside of hand-eye coordination 'cause oh, I was so stoned
I couldn't get the spoon to my mouth anymore,
and I could find the little lumps of
fudge but I was basically flicking them over my shoulder. And chunk by chunk, I was
turning the hotel room into a crime scene, and
I just I was basically snorting fudge at one moment 'cause I just gave up on
the spoon and I was like, I'm going in here. I'm like a horse into a
feed bag of ice cream. And I dunno if you've ever been
that messed up late at night and thought to
yourself, you know what? This is a fantastic time for
me to check my work email. (audience laughing) Yeah, I was like, oh I'm in
tiptop condition right now. Let me just get a jumpstart
on the working week right now. Oh, I was just lying
stoned out my face with the little light, you know, on your face in the darkness with me fudge covered
fingers scrolling away. And I was lucky I did
because this message I saw kinda shocked me into
a bit of sobriety. And it said, "You might
be in a bit of trouble. Somebody badly misinterpreted
something you said tonight. Click this link." And it was a link to a
TikTok video and I clicked it and the cover of the video said, Racist Irish comedian
jokes about cotton picking. I said, well that's
definitely me. (audience laughing) Yeah, I looked at
the view count. There was a hundred thousand
views on this video. It'd only be up a
couple of hours, and it was over 400
comments and they were all saying the same thing. Who is the racist? Where's the racist? Where can we find him? I was so stoned, I
entered the chat. (audience laughing) I said, I know where he is. He's in a hotel room right
now covered in ice cream. He had no idea he was a racist. This is a huge moment
in his life right now, and it's a big discovery. And to make things worse,
he's right now covered in an involuntary
ice cream brown face. (audience laughing) Yeah, oh, I was
just sitting there like a Canadian prime minister. (audience laughing) It was a PR disaster
waiting to happen, and in a moment of clarity,
I was like well geez, what am I gonna do? I nearly laid an egg, I'd never been that
nervous in my life, and I was like, ooh,
I have a little video from tonight actually. I can post what I
actually said and feck it, I'm going to sleep and
when I wake up tomorrow, it'll be interesting at least. (audience laughing) And I know that doesn't
sound like a good strategy, and it wasn't but
I got a bit lucky I didn't know with social media 'cause I'm such an idiot with it that when strangers write
to you as a stranger, they don't expect
you to write back. Yeah, they'd be writing to me. "Hello, David's team." And I'm like, team? This fella can't
even work a spoon. There is no team. I am the I in this team. Like, there's no way
it's you writing back. I'm like, no, those
regards are all for you. I just... (audience laughing) Yeah, I just can't spell. I didn't mean it, but that's
a mark of authenticity. Just give 'em a love heart
to try and make up for it. And so I didn't know you're
not meant to write back. I've been writing back,
I've been treating strangers like pen pals for about
two and a half years. So you're like, well you
should come to Chicago and do a show and I'll be
like, yeah, well and here I am. That's kind of how that works. (audience applauding) Hey, thanks. Well, thank you very much. I didn't know there
was any other way, but I guess because
it was during lockdown and everything when it started, I guess it built up a
little bit of goodwill. And when I was so
heavily medicated that I couldn't use
words to defend myself, which is the one thing
I meant to be okay at, given my current
occupation, all these people started arguing on my behalf. When I woke up in the
morning, they'd won. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience applauding) This lady had fully
retracted her statement, deleted the video, and
made a public apology. And I was like, wow,
that's the world we really should live in, that I could go to
bed totally racist and wake up totally cured. Like it never happened. So if you were one
of those people that kicked into action on my
behalf, thank you very much. I really needed you. That's the core part of looking at everything
positive I suppose, 'cause Americans,
you are genuinely some of the happiest
people in the world. You really are and you should be because you're taking two thirds of the world's antidepressants. (audience laughing) Yeah, you're just going around with the Adderall fueled
spirit of Ted Lasso running through your veins. Yeah, it really brings out
your inner Trader Joe's worker. (audience laughing) We're not like that in Ireland. Ironically, my last
name is Nihill, and that's my real
name as in nihilism, which among many other things
means extreme pessimism. And I got that name from
my dad and it's ironic 'cause he is the most positive
person I think I've ever met. Nothing gets him down,
and a few years back he got diagnosed with cancer and on receipt of the
diagnosis from the doctor, he looked so upbeat that
the doctor was taken back and he's like, "Mr. Nihill,
I don't think you realize the severity of the
problem you have." And my dad said, "I
don't have a problem. I just gave it to you." (audience laughing) It was a pretty good strategy. He didn't worry about it at
all and a few years later, no more cancer anymore. Never came back to this day. I don't think he ever worried
about it for a minute. (audience laughing) That was great. Thank you. (audience applauding) He got a thing a wee bit later
that many of our families are affected by sometimes and some of yours
might be here tonight. Macular degenerative
disease where your eyesight begins to rapidly deteriorate. He didn't let it
stop him at all. He's like, "David, I'm off to
renew me driver's license." (audience laughing) I dunno if that's a great plan. And one thing played
to his advantage that always happens
to us as Irish people when we move to America. You get a really
warm reception here, which is fantastic
and American's normally take a minute or two but you always know it's
coming where they're like, "Oh my God, you're Irish? Do you know my
friend Brian Murphy? (audience laughing) He's also Irish." We're like oh, I cannot wait
to not know Brian Murphy. (audience laughing) It happened me with a guy called
Dave Ryan in San Francisco. My friends were like, "Oh
my God you're from Dublin? My buddy Dave
Ryan's from Dublin. You guys are gonna know
each other for sure." And I'm like, dude, it's 1.5
million people in Dublin. It's statistically improbable. Then I met him and I was
like, "Oh feck, Dave. I haven't seen you in ages." (audience laughing) To make it even
more stereotypical, we worked in the same
bar together in Ireland. (audience laughing) And his cousins live next
to my auntie and uncle in a rural field in
the middle of nowhere. There's like 20 houses, and they just happened to
live next door to each other. And it kind of played to
my dad's advantage a bit, the small world
nature of Ireland 'cause when he went to
renew the driver's license, he walked in and
he was all nervous and straight away
the guy's like, "Oh, Pat Nihill, haven't
seen you in years." And oh he's like, "What
are you here for?" Oh, to renew it, and
how's your eyesight? My dad said, "It's not
great, to be honest." And the man went,
"Well, I tell you Pat, would you you see a bus
if it drove past you?" (audience laughing) Yeah, my dad went, "Oh
feck yeah, definitely." And he went, "Good man, Pat. Three more years. Go on. (audience applauding) On your way." (audience applauding) I dunno where he drove to,
but he drove somewhere. A week later, God love him,
he entered a golf competition. He loves golf and he
entered a golf competition against people who could
actually see their balls. (audience laughing) Yeah, and at one moment
he pulled back the club and he went to hit the
ball with all his force, and it exploded because
it was a mushroom. (audience laughing) He wasn't deterred
by this whatsoever. He actually came second
in that competition. (audience laughing) It was his highest
finish in 15 years. And he was so excited
about the whole confusion mushroom
incident that he grabbed his 82 year old giggling friend
and went back the next day to recreate the moment on video. He literally just voluntarily
blew up a mushroom all over his own nut bag,
and his friend videoed it and they did giggled
like teenagers and then emailed
it to me and went, "David, will this go
viral on TikTok or what?" (audience laughing) Legend. He loved golf but
I went, you know, golf is obviously hugely
popular in Ireland. I got forced into some of
the more extreme sports when I started traveling
around the world, especially here in America. They love just doing
unnecessary outdoor crazy stuff and I said, well I'll try that. I started off with wakeboarding. Have you ever done that? It's where they drag you
behind the back of a boat like a modern day Red Bull
sponsored extreme Jesus, and they waste as much
gasoline as humanly possible. Yeah, it would've
been fun, I suspect, but I didn't really
get to fully live it at the time initially
because you're just meant to pop up outta the
water and slide across the top of the water. That's it. I didn't pop up at all. I just got dragged underwater
like a leaky human submarine. It was dragging me around in
figures of eight underwater with just water going in
one hole and out the other. Yeah, it was like a high
speed clonic irrigation, and I tell you wakeboarding
one thing to know if you don't stand up, it
quickly becomes waterboarding. Yeah, Americans are
great at that as well. (audience applauding) Not your fault. Spanish invented it, you
perfected it, we never did it. That's just a trivia
cycle to that one. But I was so bad at wakeboarding that I jumped off the back
of the boat at one moment, looked at my knee and
part of it was missing, and it was all
blood in the water and it was around the time in
that flesh eating bacteria. Do you remember that
was a thing in America and around the world
before we moved onto COVID and forgot that flesh
eating bacteria was a thing? Yeah, and they thought
I might lose my knee and I ended up in hospital. My leg grew swelled so big it
just kept bigger and bigger, and they start pumping
you full of Vancomycin. And if you know anything
about your drugs in America, you'll know Vancomycin is
the drug of last resort. When they give you this, the medical system basically
saying eh, we don't know. It's a bit like the Johnson
and Johnson vaccine. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) It's like go on, take
this, keep us posted. Maybe mix it with
something down the road. And I say that as someone who took the Johnson
and Johnson vaccine in Miami in Spanish 'cause
we're pretty sneaky, and that was the only way I
could get it at that time. But I ended up, I was pretty
compromised in hospital and they wouldn't let me out unless I had full-time
medical care, which when you combine comedy
and your insurance system, well, that was not
gonna work out well. My mother had been a
nurse her whole life and I couldn't think
of anyone better to ask to look after me. The only problem was she hadn't
traveled in like 20 years. I had to call her from San
Francisco back to Ireland, and I was like ma'am,
I really need you. Any chance you'd come over? And she's like, "Absolutely,
David, I'll be over. Now I don't know
anything about flights or the internet or
any of that carry on. I haven't really been
anywhere in about 20 years, but feck it, I'll
get back to you. I'll figure it out. Don't you worry about a thing." Yeah, didn't hear from
her until the next day. She's like, "David,
I went to the bank. I met a beautiful
Brazilian girl down there. She knew about the internet. Have the tickets. I'll be over tomorrow. Thank God for the
immigrants, huh?" (audience laughing) I don't know if you know,
nice little bit of trivia that Brazilian
Portuguese is actually the fourth most spoken language
in Ireland at the moment. Rapidly moving towards
third most spoken language, and it's kind of
a very reflective
immigration policy we had where we looked at ourselves
in the mirror and we went, well Jaysus, we get sunburn
pretty easily, don't we? And we have no natural
rhythm and, you know, we're not exactly sexual icons and we haven't qualified
for the World Cup of football
(soccer-yuk) in years. Brazilians, yes,
yes, Brazilians. (audience applauding) How many is too many? Never. Keep it going. We've got loads of room. We used to have 8 million
people in Ireland. We don't even have five
point something million now. So that's room for a lot of
Brazilians if you need them. And I'm totally fine with that, but I was very grateful of it. Me ma'am basically arrived
the next day and it was funny 'cause it's Irish
people we take so long to get used to the
rules in America. Like when we move
here as foreigners you have to adjust to
Americans' love of the rules. You love the rules. We have 'em in all
our countries, but
they're guidelines. (audience laughing) You know, you apply logic
and you go your own way, and you can really see love of
the rules if you participate or watch any American sport. You love it, the commentary
is 90% about the rules, and the rest of the
time is just whatever the athletes tend to be doing. I was watching the World
Cup and they're like here, "What have we got
going on here, Ryan? Well, there was a
foul in the box. It's gonna be a PK. And what's a PK for
the viewers at home? A PK is a violation
inside the box." And for the rest
of us in the world, Piqué is a Spanish player
who used to shag Shakira, and then he strayed
outside the box and that was a huge violation. (audience laughing) Confusing. But I didn't know
any of these rules until Americans dragged
me mountain biking, and it will happen you. If you live in one
of your predominantly white areas in America, four guys called Chad,
Chip, Ryan, Carl, it's normally a kind of
four letter fraternity name, will turn up outside your house at about 8:00 AM on
a Saturday morning while you're trying to be
hungover, masturbate, procreate, anything more productive than
what they want you to do. They've got bicycles that
are worth more than your car, and potentially house, and
you can't just join them. You have to first eat
Goo packets and Clif Bars to sustain a false sense
of sugar fueled enthusiasm to commute
unnecessarily to a place you don't need to be to do
a thing you don't need to do all while dressed
as a ballerina. Very confusing. (audience laughing) Very confusing. I didn't know it was called
single track mountain biking and it's where there's only
room for one mountain bike, and I didn't know
that Americans decided the person coming up the
hill has the right of way. I didn't know that, I was
coming down the hill at speed. I was having a great time. I was like a dog hanging
out of a car window. I was really enjoying
it to be honest, and I was quietly confident
the rules were on my side 'cause I was using gravity. (audience laughing) Yeah, technically a law
for the Isaac Newton fans in the room. And the guy coming towards me, he thought the rules
were gonna save him and that's a classic
American mistake right there. (audience laughing) Oh, you guys make
it all the time. You'll take some dude
called Billy Ray in Alabama, and you'll be like,
"hey, that's Billy Ray. He left high school
at 11 years old, never actually read a book
in his life, Billy Ray. Look at him there, he's got
his dungarees on backwards. He's been surviving on nothing but Coors light and corn syrup. Billy Ray, would you
like a firearm, huh?" (audience laughing) "It'll be fine. He's gonna follow the
rules, aren't you Billy Ray? Oh, yeah." That's not gonna
work out for anybody. That's what's playing out here, but it's just in
mountain biking terms because it's classic
power versus authority. The only problem is authority
only goes one way, downhill. You can't use
authority on your boss. It only goes one way. I'm coming down the hill,
I have all the power, I am an idiot and a liability, but I have all the
power simply because I have an outta
control lump of steel supposedly under my control. And that is pretty
representative of American society
right there sometimes. (audience applauding) You can see it coming. This is no happy ending in
that moment, and there wasn't. And I knew this guy was
American coming towards me 'cause he looked way too happy. (audience laughing) Oh, he was just an
explosion of enthusiasm. It was like somebody
combined 4-Hour Energy, Red Bull, and Viagra and gave it to a life coach
on their birthday. (audience laughing) I couldn't tell you what exactly what was going on in his
mind, but if I had to guess it'd be like, "oh my God, I'm having the
perfect day right now. There isn't a cloud in the sky. I've never maintained
such a speed at such an elevation
game before. I could even be in a
flow state right now. This could be a
personal best for me. I can't wait to get
home and share it with my online
community on Strava." (audience laughing) Oh, I just crashed
right into this fella, I took all the
happiness off his face, and I could feel the Goo
packets exploding on impact, and the peanut butter Clif
Bars flying through the air. Oh, I smashed him. I took all the
happiness off his face, and I hit him so hard, the
two bikes got intertwined and my hand went
through the crossbar and got locked there
covered in blood stuck on his lycra
clad testy satchel. His little Lululemon
nut bag was in my hand. And I dunno if you've ever
got your hand stuck somewhere, but you rock it. That is the technique. You always rock it. Oh, now I was arousing all
the wrong forms of suspicion, and I went for an
extra bit of leverage. Huge error of judgment. The excitement in his face
only multiplied and I was like, Jaysus, now we're more
than strangers on a trail. How did I get into this? This is gonna be a negative
online review somewhere. And it was real awkward
'cause we ended up just locked in this Mexican
standoff, which is ironic. Mexicans smart enough not to be mountain biking
in the first place. And I finally yanked
me hand outta there, and we end up staring each other and he could have said anything. And there's a moment of
silence and he's like, "Do you not know the rules?" (audience laughing) I was like, "Listen Carl, the rules are not gonna
save you in this situation." Okay, I shouldn't even
have a mountain bike. Billy Ray definitely
shouldn't have a firearm. So yeah, if you can get
my hand off your nut sack, we can get out there, use logic, and make your
country great again. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Yeah, that's why I don't
do mountain biking anymore. But that was a bit
of a long way to say, Americans love the rules. My mom shattered them
the minute she came, she wasn't even in
America an hour and a half and they got to the hospital
or she got to the hospital and was like, visiting
hours are over. Feck they are, my
son is in there. Straight in, no regard for
visiting hours whatsoever, and we ended up all of a
sudden in very close proximity 'cause they let me out only
if she'd look after me, and we're sitting in my house and we haven't really
lived around each other in a place different from my
home in Ireland for years. Never been around that
close, and and outta nowhere when she finally got
comfortable after a few days, she was like,
"David, do you have any of those cannabis cookies?" (audience laughing) I was like, "I do, I have
loads of them actually." And I fed her two, which was
twice the recommended dosage and a grave error of judgment for getting your mother stoned for her first edible
experience at 74 years old. And I know the problem
was this was before COVID, so I wasn't a weed professional
yet because to be honest, I don't like drugs. I've never liked drugs,
but I love chocolate, and you Americans keep
putting drugs in chocolate. Yeah, and then when you
eat the drug chocolate, the regular chocolate
tastes way better. Before you know it,
you're just in this chocolate consumption cycle. You're literally
like a stoned hamster lying at the bottom of the
wheel watching the world go by until one day you
wake up covered in chunky monkey ice cream in the middle of a racial
hate storm on TikTok and you're like,
how did I get here? (audience applauding) Anyway, I got me mom
stoned out of her ahead. Now if you know anything
about Irish people, we take secrets to the grave,
but that's not the case on twice the recommended dosage. Oh, did she turn into a
chatty Cathy all of a sudden. She's like, David outta nowhere, "What do you think
of gay marriage?" I said, what? And she's like, nothing
new to me, you know? I was the first lesbian in
Ireland to get married in 1970. (audience laughing) Yeah, I was like, "Does dad
happen to know about this?" Says it was his fecking fault. I said, "Please continue." She's like, "Well
your dad couldn't find his feckin birth certificate
on the morning of the wedding. Now luckily we had his
dead sister, Patricia's." I said, "Just hold on a
second there, that's big news. I never knew about that." And she's like, "Yeah,
don't worry about it. Your dad had a dead sister. She died when she was two. Not central here to the story." (audience laughing) Yeah, I'm like that's sounding pretty central to
me ma'am, but okay. She's like, "Well
we couldn't find Patrick's birth certificate, but we had his
sister, Patricia's, and I didn't wanna
cancel that wedding. And the whole town knew the priest didn't have
the best eyesight. So technically and
legally I'm married to your dad's dead sister. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) That's a lot to
unpack, isn't it? And she just kind of
moved on lovely from that as if it wasn't a thing. Now she dropped one other
crazy bit of information. I'll tell you in a sec
but the next morning she woke up and she
had a new lease on life and she wanted to do
walking for no reason, and that's a bit representative of your elderly American
people 'cause you're out there with your snowshoes and
you're hiking poles, just walking up stuff for
no apparent reason, right? Irish people not like that. If you take an
elderly Irish person and you put them somewhere,
that's where they're gonna be. (audience laughing) They live there now. But not her, the
weed cookies gave her a bit of new lease of life
and we're in San Francisco and she's like, "David, I
think I'll go for a walk to the Golden Gate Bridge." I was like, "Well Jaysus,
that's kind of far. I suppose it's downhill. Go on. Feck it. Why not? Give it a go." (audience laughing) She did not come
back for eight hours. (audience laughing) When she finally kicked
in the door, came in, and I was lying on the
couch with me leg elevated trying to get better with it. And she was like a
giggling teenager. She said, "Oh David, look
at these" - Lululemon pants (audience laughing) Yeah, she kinda kicked
out the hip and was like, "All the girls are wearing them. Does it make ass my look good?" It's like, you haven't
even got an ass anymore. That thing's like a bag
of porridge back there. (audience laughing) She was having a great old
time and couple of days in when I start getting
better, she's like, "David, I might give
you a bit of space. I'll go visit your
uncle up in Seattle." You know, the big fellow
who hugged the president. Yeah, she goes up there, called
me a day later, she's like, "David, you're not gonna
believe where I am. I'm on a wakeboarding boat." I said, there is no way
you're wakeboarding. She's like, "Oh God, no,
I'm not wakeboarding." No, I have another thing. (Calling out) Rory,
what's it called? "I have a bong, David. (audience laughing) Oh, I am stoned out of my head. And your auntie's here with me. I'm getting her stoned." Oh, Jesus, my auntie
used to be a nun. She married a priest. I don't even know
how that happened. (audience laughing) My mom started corrupting
the whole family and after she nursed
me back to health, she went away back to Ireland and I'll never forget
the message she sent me. It was lovely. It said, "David, I know
we're mother and son but now it feels
like we're friends." Yeah, and I remember
reading it going, this is a blue message. This is an iMessage? Did you get an iPhone? (audience laughing) Yeah, she's like, yeah, goes
well with me Lululemon pants. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Smiley face and everything. Well, she went back home and she was corrupting
the way the family. God love my uncle got
Parkinson's disease, and none of the traditional
medication was working. And my mother being a
newfound West coast hippie, have we tried any
alternatives here? Maybe a bit of CBD
oil or something. So I dunno what they
were doing to him, but at one moment the little
old ladies were over for tea and they were in that corner
and my uncle was in his chair 'cause that's where
they left him. (audience laughing) And he stood up at one
moment and they were like, well where's he off to? And he was shaking a
bit and they're like, oh, he's gonna fall. And he started falling,
my auntie tried to get to him in time
but she didn't make it. He started falling
on top of my auntie. My mother kicked into action. Obviously the nurse
in her jumped up, didn't make it in time. My uncle fell on my
auntie, and the two of them fell on my mother
and broke her leg. Yeah, and my uncle was just
lying there smiling ear to ear. No idea what was going on. And the little old
ladies were mortified 'cause he was pretty
much dead weight They couldn't move him
so they had to go in and get the next door
neighbor to help, and he was famously
a bit of a smart ass with a good sense
of humor on him. She came in and he's
like, "Well Jesus, if this fella's going out,
he's going out with a bang." (audience laughing) Look at him, ex priest lying
on top of two sisters, huh? They'll be talking about
this one in the town." My mam was so mortified
by this whole scenario that she lied to me and she said she broke her leg
when she fell off the back step of the house
getting some firewood, and I only know the real story 'cause Dave Ryan
from San Francisco, his cousin lived next door. That was the guy. (audience applauding) We are always connected. (audience applauding) Yeah, we really are. But there was one, the part
I enjoyed the most about this is there was a bit of
a tangent to the story that my mother added
before she went off on her wander to Golden Gate
bridge the night before. And as immigrants in America
or anywhere in the world, we usually have one
thing in common. Someone in our families
was illegal at some stage. They might not be
talking about it. They might be here now
keeping it on the quiet. Just with my family, I
didn't know it was my mother. Yeah, until I got
her slightly stoned. So it turned out
when I was a kid, she used to work as
a nurse in New York and come over and back
and send the family money, and she disappear for a few
months and come back again. And I just thought
she missed her kids, which I'm sure she did,
but it was more actually she was coming home 'cause
she was being thrown out in various manners, or
sneaking back in again on a different visa, or
not overstaying something. Now and you know
tonight I told you Irish people were
sneaky buggers. I dunno if you know
we have Irish names. So my name in
English, David Nihill, in Gaelic Irish,
Daithi O'Nihill. And to your immigration system,
that's a whole new person. (audience laughing) We've been using that
one for a few years, and my mother definitely was. And then she'd used up all
these kinda little tricks, and she's there telling me
about it and she's like, "David, I was kind of outta
options and I was at a point where geez I just
needed another passport and I'd used everything
I knew and sure, I was thinking Jaysus,
that day and age to get a passport at that
time you only really needed an extra birth certificate. Yeah, I had an extra one of
those lying around, didn't I?" Back from the grave. (audience laughing) This is a lot to unpack and
some of you will figure it out at different moments
and that's okay. That's what happened to me, 'cause she just went
on to the next part, and it turned out she
was working in New York at one moment in time as a
nurse nursing back to health a particular lady of
interest who'd fallen and broken her hip. That lady was Donald
Trump's mother. Yeah, my mother as
an illegal immigrant. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Was nursing back to
health the mother of a guy competing on an anti
illegal immigration mandate while traveling on the passport
of a dead two year old. (audience laughing) Who she was also
in an involuntary lesbian relationship with. (audience applauding) If that isn't the
most Irish American, potentially Latino,
sneaky, maybe woke potentially gay story
you've ever heard as brought to you by
your US medical system, I don't know what is. Thank you very, very,
very, very much. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Thank you. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Thank you. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Listen, you might
be asking yourself these stories sound
a bit bonkers. Was this fella just taken
all of the weed himself and making them up? Especially in the case
of my mother's one, it sounds so outlandish. You'll be like, is that true? And I'll say for legal
reasons, allegedly, it's true. And also she warned me "you better not tell anyone
about this feckin story, David." She was pretty clear on that. So allegedly it happened. I dunno, you make
up your own mind. But just so I'm off the hook,
but I would love to show you one or two little characters
before we get outta here 'cause I'm thinking it's always
nice to visualize something if you're like, oh, I wonder
did that actually happen? Have a look and see if
you recognize this fella, or who he might be. (audience laughing) That's Doug the psychopath. And he looks all
cute, doesn't he? And that is the definition of
cat fishing when he got me. His little claws are already
sticking out ready to go. And the reason I wanna
share with you that is we live in a society
where we've never processed so much information at a speed we're not really
capable of processing. So sometimes we miss
things and in my case, that multiplies when you add
being and a moron and dyslexic 'cause I had all the
information I needed right here. This is the message my friend
sent me about his lovely cat. "Just to give you
a heads up though, he's still a kitten
and spent at least a couple of months on the
street before we found him. He's just been fixed, which
seems to have calmed him down, but he does sometimes
play with people by biting their
wrists and ankles or pouncing from the darkness." (audience laughing) "It's never too violent
and it's never angry, and he's mostly a sweetheart but just wanted to
let you know that before you agreed to spend
time in the house with him." (audience laughing) Yeah, and like an idiot I
wrote back, "Ha, no worries. Much appreciated." (audience applauding) I had all the
information I needed, and this really did happen to me working on the Irish
President's mission, and that is the only time
you'll ever see me in a suit. And that is Mary McAleese, one of the 21 years of
female presidents we've had while you're still
thinking about it. (audience applauding) Might be time. (audience applauding) Now obviously I've called
America home for a long time, and I love living here so I
don't wanna be too sarcastic. You have made great
progress recently. You got a Black little mermaid. (audience applauding) And that was huge
for you as a country. I mean, very divisive initially, but you pull together
and you work through it. And meanwhile while
you were doing that, we found a Nigerian lady and we made her mayor of the
town of Longford in Ireland, and she never had to identify
as a fish or anything. (audience laughing) Just straight to a senior
leadership position. But you keep telling
us about being diverse, and maybe we'll catch up. And that sounds a little
bit stabby but feck it, I've lived here long
enough and you said "if you see something,
say something." (audience applauding)
(audience laughing) But my boss hated me so much over this uncle grabbing
the president incident that here already,
they're trying to squeeze me out of this photo. They're genuinely
trying to block me as much as humanly possible. Now my boss hated me so
much over this incident, she spent every day
trying to get me fired and I'm here talking to
you guys doing comedy so she definitely won. But America rubbed off om me
so much I start believing, well I could
probably do anything ever since the penguin
stander upper incident and Americans encouraging
you to do things, they're like, you
can do anything. And I say, I might write a book. I have no idea what about
but might right one. I'm a dyslexic idiot. I don't think I
ever passed any form of spelling test in my life. I've never nailed a captcha. I can't even get on the
wifi in most places, and Americans are like
"don't let that stop you. You can do it. Just one word every day. Do the morning pages. This could be a great
journey for you. You do it, you go on
it, you live your you" whatever motivational speech,
and I start believing it and was like, you know what? If I get to write a
book, I'm so annoyed by this boss thing
trying to fire me when I really
shouldn't have been, that I'm gonna put in a chapter
on management relations. If I ever write this book,
even it's a picture book, it's going in there. I don't care. And wouldn't you know it
Americans rubbed off on me. I went for it, I took the
advice, I wrote a book, it got published in
a couple of languages and here is that section
on management relations. My old boss, Roberts Diane, I've spelled her name backwards
to protect her identity. (audience applauding)
(audience laughing) Genuinely, she had an intern
with a government credit card go to a physical location
with a physical photo and have them remove me from it. The 10% of me that's
actually visible, and then hung it back
on her wall proudly. And nobody ever knew
that story until now. (audience laughing) So, you know, some stories
you wanna keep going. This one true also. So what is a racist
comedian telling jokes about cotton picking
is actually a person trying to make a very
supportive statement about that Irish people
were generally being well-behaved since 1845. In the words of
Frederick Douglass, we've been knocking
it outta park. Now that got a bit
misinterpreted interestingly because there was no audio
on the video that was posted. So everybody commenting
on that and sharing it was trying me, judge,
jury, and executioner, and not a single
person stopped to go, "well what did that idiot say?" So if you were one of the people that stopped me
squirting ice cream out of every available
orifice in a moment of need, thank you very much. It was a moment of need. It's the only reason I'm still
doing comedy, so thank you. (audience applauding) Onto more positive things. Who do we think this is? Oh, that is my mother. That is said wake boarding boat. That is my cousin drinking
Jack Daniels whiskey while wake boarding. That's not how Red Bull
imagined it to be done, and that's my uncle that
hugged the president, and in my mother's
hand is suspicious. (audience laughs) That is a gateway pipe to what became a bong
later in the day, and she took upon corrupting
my auntie who used to be a nun. (audience laughing) And because she used
to be a nun in Ireland, as such a small world
as we learned tonight, I've had to take precautions. (audience laughing) You think she'll
be okay with that? I dunno. (audience laughing) And you might say, did your
mother really break her leg? That story sounded
too crazy to be true. The crazy ones that the Irish
ones, they're always true. Look at her going there. Yeah, that was quite a break. And if you wanna
see the evidence, she spent too much time on
the west coast of America surrounded by avocados. (audience laughing) She ignored medical insurance and took to the magical
healing properties of avocados, which is roughly the same
price as medical insurance. Very unusual scenario. She recovered and she's
all good these days. So it had a happy ending. This one I love. That's the half Indian
gay leader of Ireland kicking into action to
say, well done Morgan. We love your dancing. Basically shutting everybody up with all the negativity
with something that was clearly positive and
a connection of two cultures that are really intertwined
going years back. And rather than giving
out we're praised her, brought her over to meet
the president of Ireland and gave her an award for
contribution to Irish culture. And that is how you
appreciate culture, which is a much better thing. (audience applauding) And you might be asking
yourself, well Jesus, this fellow's been talking a lot about Ireland tonight
all of a sudden. And I have been not just
'cause it's where I'm from or 'cause I'm proud
of it, which I am, but I think we're a great
example of a country that was thought to be backwards that suddenly went
really, really forward. We were meant to be very white, and now we're very
diverse and multicultural, and we've done that
pretty much seamlessly compared to a lot of the world. And at the end of the day, if I'm gonna spend
my time doing comedy, I'd rather talk about
things to unite us rather than divide us. So at the end of the day
we can just be a bit nicer to each other 'cause
realistically, well, we're all a bit
Irish, aren't we? (audience applauding) At least a little bit. (audience applauding) And if you think you're not, check your 23andMe results. Speaking of interesting things,
who do you think this is? (audience laughing) Oh yeah. (golf club thumps mushroom) (audience laughing) 83 years young and
still going strong. Thank you very much. You guys have been fantastic. (audience applauding)
(audience cheering) Thanks for coming out. (audience applauding)
(audience cheering) Last quick question for you. Do you guys know
where the exits are? They can be a little bit sneaky. (audience applauding)
(audience cheering) (shoes tapping) ♪ Ain't never been
with a chick this bad ♪ ♪ Ain't worried abut them
other girls that you had ♪ ♪ If I catch you looking
at my baby I'm loud ♪ ♪ Keep it real I ain't
worry about that ♪ - (O'Wang) Next. Passport. Hey, my Irish brother. You said you're not gonna
make jokes about America. - Well, they said if you see
something, say something. ♪ Why you always
tripping for no reason ♪ ♪ Tell him 'cause you put it
on me better when you're mad ♪ ♪ Head around my neck hit
it hard from the bag ♪ ♪ I'ma cook a meal for him
and play the game with him ♪ ♪ With somebody ask
yeah I'm with him ♪ ♪ Keep him knocked
out like painkiller ♪ ♪ And if bag me, you
know he a winner ♪ ♪ Ain't never been
with a chick this bad ♪ ♪ Ain't worry about them
other girls that you had ♪ ♪ Catch you looking
at my baby I'm loud ♪ ♪ Keep it real I ain't
worried about that ♪ ♪ Ain't never been
with a chick this bad ♪ ♪ I ain't worried bout them
other girls that you had ♪ ♪ Catch you looking
at my baby I'm loud ♪ ♪ We gonna keep it real I
ain't worried about that ♪
