Kyle Kinane | Shocks & Struts (Full Comedy Special)

[Music] empty B empty empty BTY for you as I watch The Smoke set along the Poes I hear a whisper through the trees a little dream I had when I was but a lad the life is surely beaten and set free I now I am the king of absolutely nothing a belly that is proud and full ladies and gentlemen Kyle canine [Applause] boy thank you wow Salt Lake City Natural Choice for profanity late and standup comedies what's your target demo Kyle oh polygamous snowboarders of course thank you for having me to record this special I do appreciate it we're here we good um I'm I'm just happy to be out in the world I'm happy to be back uh doing uh Live Comedy we've been back for a little while but I just I need this I can't uh perform comedy without the checks and balances of a human interaction you know over pandemic I was writing what I thought was comedy but I didn't have this checks and balance system turns out I was just writing little manifestos that's all I was writing I was writing little manifestos and I wouldn't find out about that until like just weeks later when I would do a zoom comedy show which was just the bane of my existence I just sit there and just in my room write a joke like that's perfect I've never written anything funnier and then just sit in the darkness for weeks with a bottle and then my computer would light up like time for Zoom comedy and I would just lean in I was just pale and too close to the camera just like every conspiracy theorist like 5G make some read your minds like that was just too close with like one weird lamp offset in the background to do comedy and like all right Kyle you're up and I just say some [ __ ] like the problem with the left is that we're too empathetic to people with mental health issues and that's why we'll never produce a viable assassin they're like oh hey um you can't that's not like Haha f i get it but you can't you can't say that not on Zoom anyway they're recording this now you got to explain jokes to the FBI is that what you wanted to do now you explain comedy to the feds even just the minua of doing live stand even the stuff that comes along with it I'm excited to be back to even the traveling elements I'll be happy with I'm excited to be on airplanes again I'm sure that'll get obnoxious soon enough but I just like being on there I I like saying thank you to the pilot when I walk off the plane I like doing that how many people say thank you to the pilot when you get up the plane all right it's a decent amount but it's not everybody what's wrong with you why you going to be a jerk that's all they want that's all a pilot wants if you fly that's the first thing as soon as they Park the door just flies open at the front they're just like hey hey did you notice how we didn't all die you're welcome you're welcome for that I did that for you and we all just Shuffle off in our pajama bottoms and Crocs like don't make eye contact with me so rude that's all they want is the thank you for that job they're up there they're tucked in up there they are tucked in with dress shoes the whole time we're back there with like half a boner and sweatpants nodding off on pills and tiny bottles of booze they're wearing a goddamn sport coat up there for you you ever look in a cockpit it's a Panic Room it's just a chamber it's a chamber of anxiety for anybody that doesn't know and they know they know all the buttons all the switches they know what to do the windshield that's arbitrary that's that's for us if a pilot sees something wrong out the windshield we're dead we're already dead like nobody's going to get on a plane without a windshield that's for you guys to feel all right if something's going wrong out there we're [ __ ] man we're straight up [ __ ] I'll tell you that at the beginning they get in there and just know they're like that every switch like don't die don't die don't die we not die we won't die here won't die if I do that better not die better not die better not die oh here's the big old good luck lever we need that don't tou [ __ ] almost if I didn't do this we would have definitely died fck thank God don't die and here we go not dying and then we all just hung over shuffling off like the landing was a little choppy I don't know meanwhile I will tip a lift driver like an angel that walks the Earth I will I will just throw my whole wallet at somebody like thank you for being a literal messenger from God who drove me home from the bar that I walked to 5 hours ago you're the most blessed blessed angel what's your name I'm going to name my firstborn child after you they're already born but they suck and maybe with your name they'll be better so I'm going to call him that and that's thank you for your service I've said thank you for your service to a lift driver more than I've ever said to anybody in an actual military uniform even the little things about TR like even just staying in hotels I have to stay in hotels for this and I like staying in hotels they're always tidier than I keep my own place I like that like oh that's what a that's what a made bed a look at that it's just not this omelet of blankets that's on top okay and don't be the per there's always somebody like I like staying in hotels somebody's like hotels are filthy I'm going to show you a YouTube video where somebody went in with a black like don't don't do that don't be that person I know I'm not an [ __ ] I'm aware of what the world is like let people like what they like don't think you're better because you ruined what somebody else enjoys oh you like hotels Don't Look Behind the curtains that's sh you're that's the type of person's like oh you like shrimp you know that line on the back is poop shut the [ __ ] up let people like what they like I know that hotels can be horrifying places but I don't I don't look under the bed I don't do the little dust check on stuff I just need the illusion of cleanliness I don't look at the pillows God forbid don't just don't if you're never look at pillows just do that for yourself if you're a single man in here leave now go buy new pillows go right now you're like why that's why that's why because you go right now you can go to Bed Bath and Beyond stop at anybody's mailbox take their coupon out of it get 20% off doing bed laundry in the daylight Linens if you're classy I was doing I was doing my bed laundry in the daylight sober so I was retaining details and I I went to unhee the pillow because you the pillow case that's the case for the pillow that preserves the pillow does not I I don't even know how I got pillows nobody remembers especially dudes you don't remember when you bought pillows I moved to Los Angeles in 2003 with one pillow eventually I had five pillows at 1.7 then down to three no idea it's just like living in a hostel something you get friends come and go and I and Sheed what I assumed to be a pillow one day in the daylight and what I what I extracted from that pillow it had the same just texture and patina as a wild west wanted poster it was just it was it was gold old and Slick the edges were crumbly and curled one side was burnt how did that even happen it looked like a map to the new world that's what it looked like it looked like it clearly like whatever fluids come out of my face at night had just the liquid had just expanded and then create rudimentary coastlines of the Americas over here y you could tell this is how they went from the med terranean to here this is this is where the old gays went looking for spices back in the day that's that's how we got the that's what happened when you were gay back in the day and you couldn't tell people in the 1300s in Europe that you're gay just like me and the boys were going on the cruise and that's that's how you had to be gay like what are you going to do like we're looking for cinnamon that's gay that's super gay but that's what they had to do so thank them for that you thank them for the spices this part of the pillow just says here be monsters that's all it says there just Browns and yellows and different and whatever does that to the pillow comes out of my head comes out of my head at night at night when you don't know what's happening your unconscious being protects you of the [ __ ] of your Physical Realm at that point we all think like oh I snore but probably cute like probably whimpers and wheezes probably like a new little kitten no you snore like a dragon with no lower jaw that's how you snore and you emit fluid like a chocolate fountain filled with mucus that's how we all sleep just you snore like a fire plug filled with pudding that's how you snore and you think you can forget until you look at your pillow which is now just a sponge that collects the memories of your nightmares just a document of your savagery wait I don't look at the pillows in the hotel I just like stay thank you I I like staying in the hotels I I I like I I lay in bed way past checkout that's what I like now just Bas level excitement like I use words in conversation that I don't really know what they mean and that's my that's my bungee jumping at this point that's it it's just like I I don't know man sounds sounds pretty ubiquitous to me non seiter I think that's perfectly [Applause] seiter plus that's my Che I just like laying in bed way past checkout and seeing if I get caught that's like checkouts at noon we'll see you got to lay real still you got to be real quiet I call it pulling an an Frank that's what I call it ler gets real scary when they're in the hall uhoh I know okay it's hard to do that kind of joke when I look like I should be at home plotting to kidnap a Democratic governor so let it be known I have to say I am not anti-semitic I'm like the most Semitic I love them I won't go to the Holocaust Museum though no not I I'll explain it's not like I'm just going to move on to the next joke he let that one hang out there for a while no I don't want to go to the Holocaust Museum because I am a coward that's it that's that's the simple I uh it try it happened all right that's not the route I'm going with this it happened I know it happened and it was bad bad real bad like the worst and I know that and I'm too scared to deal with the emotions that would come with visiting a holocaust museum like that's a that's a big day that's a wow you don't want to do anything else um okay and [ __ ] maybe I'm wrong does anybody here want to go to the Holocaust Museum okay all right okay and anybody who says yes it's always in theory it's never like okay tomorrow they're like oh I I didn't know tomorrow like I have but let's put it on a calendar and think about doing the right thing no we're all cowards and that's okay glad the Holocaust Museum is there it's there for education and that's how the majority of people that go to the Holocaust Museum they are field trips which I find a tad ironic that just some somebody's like oh we got this Holocaust Museum how are we going to get people in there oh we could transport them in against their will it's like who [Applause] hey I has our marketing guy even been inside yet cuz that's like that's like a main thing that happened you can't just look at the pictures you got to read the captions they didn't just love trains man that one's a bit too far that one went I was kind of a hypocrite through the whole pandemic like I again I tell you to get vaccine I tell you trust science I went on a cruise I went on a cruise during the pandemic yeah all right here it is well first off of course the cruise was going to happen it was a cruise it was a heavy metal Cruise it was a cruise filled with heavy metal bands of course that was going to set sail metalheads are not scared of viruses do you know metal heads like old school they they half of them are walking around with ganaria that they got at the original ozfest and they're proud of it they're proba they're hanging on to it like it's a sourdough starter they're like yeah man these warts saw Randy rhods live dude they had protocols I did I did I forget whichever test is where you do a test in front of your computer and then the doctor's watching you from doctor I just gave a stranger access to my webcam that's a this special might not be the thing you see on the internet of me coming up soon um yeah I'm like why are you just in a bedroom too man like be in a laboratory got the same bad lighting setup as me what is that a mud Vin poster in the back you just work for the cruise you work for the cruise I got this stranger and I'm just in my room he's watching me I'm four Knuckles deep with a Q-tip into my gray matter that's the closest I've ever going to feel to a cam girl was that moment it's a guy just watching me drill my AA fist like deeper Daddy okay what do you want me to do now spin it a little you're sick you're naughty they say they take protocols they like oh we will do an intensive questionnaire to make sure you're healthy it's when they give you the questionnaire you spend all your money to get on the boat then you spend your money to fly to get to the port city and then your bags are packed they take your bags those are on the boat all your money all the shit's on the boat and there's a little guy in a fun kiosk if you've never been on a cruise there's a guy before you get on the boat and he's just a little party guy he's got a Maracas or something right like time to buy your drink package so you have to gamble on how much booze you think you're going to drink on the cruise before you get on the cruise and nobody is tame at that point you're going on a cruise nobody's like I better go for the bronze tier I'm probably going to take it easy on the way to KML no everybody's like [ __ ] Diamond package baby I will absolutely drink $975 worth the alcohol every day on this Cruise you will not you absolutely will not by the next day you will have one shaky glass of white wine in your hand just like I at least got to break 150 to feel good about myself you're going to poison yourself out of your own frugality and now you spend more money on that now it's time to get on the boat here we go and now you're on the plank on the way to the boat there's the boat seawater is just underneath you fish and dolphins there's the land SAR suckers and that's when they hand you the questionnaire that's where they expect you be truthful about your ailments in that moment and you everybody like nobody's I got the sniffles always or never what do you want me to say I'm getting what what my parents are first cousins you bet your ass they are let me on this boat there's zip lines to be zipped one of the questions like do you have diarrhea how dare you do I have diarrhea I'm going on a cruise if I don't have it now give me 20 minutes in a half hour in a half hour I'll be on my third crab dackery of this Voyage it is not a drink that is included in the Diamond package is one that I'll assemble myself by getting a picture of any tropical beverage that I will then take right to the buffet which I will treat like a death row inmate asparagus dipped in hot fudge why not we're going to die that's where I'll get an armful of grab legs and hang them off the pitcher what for dipping in 45 minutes an employee of this Cruise Line will come by the hot tub where I've parked myself and tell me to cease my behavior immediately because I will be in that hot tub playing my favorite game of all time called Guess The Catch of the Day it's not a game it's really just a sex crime it's where I Kyle Canan I'm sitting there swirling one crab leg around whatever Warm Gin and fruit is left in the picture I'll be wearing men's swim trunks the old timey kind where there's a an outer shell and an inner panty any stranger unfortunate enough to sit in that hot tubble with me will now be a contestant of the game and I'll say I wonder what the Catch of the Day is and they'll go catch of the day and that's I'll just move the outer shell to the side revealing my netted genitals and I'll say oh it looks like a shrimp and two scallops today that's the game nobody wins nobody wins do I have diarrhea I'll [ __ ] off the side of this boat if I want to I'll hang my Lily white ass off the mezzanine and I will unload into the life rafts Women and Children First be my guest what are you going to do turn it around we're an international waters [ __ ] don't call yourself Carnival if you're not ready for the implications I don't go on many cruises but that's like listen I'm I'm going to go into vaccine I'm vac I'm Pro vaccine Pro science but I behave in very antivaxx ways one of those is I keep eating that chipotle I know it's dangerous and I engage in that behavior freely I'm like it's Freedom not fear I will not live in a prison made up of your paranoia now will they got that white queso dip back on the menu anyway also Chipotle kills people every year every year Chipotle has to have a press conference where they're like ah yeah I'm surprised we're back here again too but ah somebody pissed in the spinach again or something anyway long story short we're sorry for your loss you know we're sorry but we're going to we're going to make it up to we're going to offer a BOGO every Tuesday in July for your l a you get an extra Burrito on account of the the the love your bereavement with burrito B for your B there's something it'll tie together later so so I I ate that and like I I can self- diagnose food poisoning at this point I'm pretty familiar I'm like haha Here We Go Again dancing with this smelly mistress another evening food poisoning moves around your torso in a way that it's just looking for a way out it's like a bank heist went South and their plan B wasn't really dialed in you're like oh the front doors are blocked off what do we do boss I don't know we can tunnel out the basement or jump off the roof but we're getting out of this [ __ ] one way or another like that's that's food poisoning this was different this did not behave like this this just made just started making a little nest for itself doctor's like yeah your your appendix is inflamed it hadn't it hasn't ruptured yet but just go to the ER cuz they're going to have to get it up out there so I went to the ER I went to a Suburban Hospital I tell Suburban because the doctor was very uh just unimpressed with having to do another EP indomy just really just a real another boring day at the office for this surgeon you can tell he's out in the sub like can't we get a goddamn knife fight in this town I went to school for real [ __ ] as it came in the room I was in he like yeah going to give you a we're going to give you a laproscopic appendectomy he said that once he only said that one time laparoscopic appendectomy and that was enough too cuz I was like woof uhoh cuz that's they charge by the syllable so you know it's like laparoscopic appendectomy exquire the third pump the brakes after that he just called it a Lappy appy I don't know about you guys but I'm not a fan of a nonchalant attitude from a surgeon say the whole word earn your money say laproscopic appendectomy he wasn't even saying it to make me feel comfortable he was just saying it out of just just making shortening his job cuz they were saying it out in the hallway too they were just like what's in room nine it's Lappy yappy it's nothing exciting like don't do cute nicknames before the procedure oh after if I live we could be adorable afterwards afterwards [ __ ] man we could put glitter on the scars I don't give a [ __ ] but beforehand say the whole term make me feel safe I have to go under anesthesia people don't make it through anesthesia sometimes I could still die even if it's routine what if I die that's it I died without any information about what was happening I just show up in heaven or whatever I qualify for at this point I don't know I definitely have some strikes against my license by now but anywhere you wind up where some ethereal being with a clipboards like oh man you weren't on the schedule today and the best I can say like I guess my Lappy happy when whoopsy Poopsy didn't get much more information than that but yeah well thank God it went oky doie so we're here today but so I was thinking like that's unless you had a situation where rupture inflame you have an appendix in your body right now doing nothing except maybe making a doctor $25,000 and they just let us they let babies leave the hospital with that is this baby have an unlit stick of dynamite in it you bet you there just a bunch of walking scratch off tickets for doctors like all right my lucky day new set of golf clubs how about it 25 Grand meanwhile I was circumcised like right away that that was the thing that was the thing oh we can't have him have that uhoh hey we got another baby born with too much dick God can't believe you think it was if it was unnecessary Evolution would take care of now baby keep buing too much too much noodle oh should we wait till he's old enough to make up his own mind nah nobody's ever wanted more dick later in life at least not in the United States no just an American selling a braiding his freedom going I guess this is all right like would like to have a choice why is that the worst thing why is that the most horrible part of a new baby boy the devil's calamari get it off of him why is that why is that listen I may have ruined calamari for some of you and you know what good good I'm glad I did we got to stop eating those animals they're smart animals we got to leave them alone those are intelligent things you got I'm sorry for the next trip you take to the Olive Garden you don't get to enjoy your favorite app you get in a calamari what I just maybe I could eat the whole squid but I can't eat the Rings I can't do the Rings why not that's the best part I a guy said a thing I don't want to ruin your experience just I can't I just can't you're going to dip that [Applause] marin oh I know we're here but I do not feel like family right now I will say as Pro vaccine and I'm Pro science I will say that right now also I will say this um consider the source material first off I'm a comedian I shouldn't be a part of anybody's research ever just ever but the B on the podcast NOP no also I will tell you to trust the science uh but no know this I also get sunburns every year multiple sunburns and that science has been out there since the sun since since the first person has been like oh I got to find some Shade that's I ignore that science every year that's the dumbest look you could have in a first world country as an adult with a sunburn just going H [ __ ] yeah man I really thought I was going to get around it this year I I was doing yard work but I was bobbing and weaving I didn't think get me this year no first nice day of the year I'm just out there like you don't want to SPF too early you want to get a good base coat you want to get a you want to Brown up even then you can lotion up second nice day of the year bright red screaming cancer got shoulders that look like french bread pizzas then after that I've clearly tried to apply sunblock but I've done it alone and been too proud to ask for help and you can see that because you can tell I've just taken the tube I will squeeze it over my head and just let it drizzle down just Magic Shell Style Just oozing down my face just a little hot fudge Kyle that's all my my head and face are a ghoulish white like the the Holograms from The Haunted Mansion showing up next what you barbecuing the rest of it I kind of push down around my chest and shoulders my back is just a series of violent handprints just furious slapping it looks like demons tried to Drag Me to Hell but thank God the copper tone was too slick and they couldn't get their tailin In Praise Jesus not today Satan you will not capture my soul for your demonic pits of hell I managed to slip away in the Flames of the underworld only burnt a spiky tribal God Smack album cover looking thing [Applause] relinquish your grasp helion you don't know what's in those needles dude [ __ ] you that was always said by people with the shittiest tattoos you know what's in those needles dude it's always said by some dude Like Only God Can Judge Me scribbled across his chest did with a guitar string in India ink his cousin's pig roast you know how many Only God can judge me tattoos you think have been in a courtroom I'll tell you right now it's all of them it's every single one of those tatto every single person who thinks Only God can judge them has been judged by a terrestrial being Only God Can Judge Me 18 months [ __ ] man even beforehand even even before the whole thing I just the anti V just kind of made me like vaccines cause autism man V vaccines are causing autism [ __ ] good we probably need more autistic kids yeah they're the ones that keep beating robots at chess and if you don't think that's an incredibly necessary individual in this day and age all we do is keep getting information over to the algorithm that's all we do is just like oh accept cookies allow tracking come on man I'm trying to look at tits on this thing it's only a matter of time before like oh oh the machines took over the banks and I can't get my fold money out to pay my bills what are we going to do well we could ask Toby if he wants to take a break from building DNA strands out of Legos long enough to save the world again do you mind Toby we'd love your help we'll get you the big chocolate milk this time [ __ ] Greta thurberg is autistic she's trying to save the Earth from ourselves and the best we can come up with is ah she's like a girl and she looks weird she's a kid so nah oh good okay I guess it's your unvaxxed homeschooled softboiled degenerate that's going to save the universe yeah that kid that's going to overdose at an EDM concert then fight with the paramedics over the Flat Earth theory is going to be the one mama says on account of her womb being dead means that I'm just an angel for being here okay we'll trust let's elect you into office listen I'm a little burnt out even on the people that I agree with cuz it's getting a little too obnoxious on both ends of the spectrum I'm I'm a little sick of all my woke friends that well woke they're woke but they insist on having their own brand new white babies still like you can't you can't be burdened with that much white guilt and keep you can't be like we are the problem anyway here's another one no you can't stop flooding the market with your shitty product it's not that's not how Economics work you know there's plenty of kids out there to upcycle right now so you don't need a new one or whatever term you want to slap on it to feel better but then they'll try to defend it be like you don't understand Kyle I I I'm we're going to raise our child to be a feminist you need to raise your child to digest plastic that's who's going to survive that's who's going to live it's not looking good out there that's what you need but but C I wouldn't care if my kid was trans you should care if they have gills you need a kid that can breathe smoke or water that's you need a plastic eaten fish baby if you want any hopes of grandkids so I bought this van and uh the first stop with it to kind of test it all out get used to it I went down camping with friends I went to Joshua Tree National Park and uh yeah okay we know Joshua Tree but also you know national parks this is Utah you have H who wow wow stuff that you're like don't anybody touch this this is amazing arches What's Happening Here look at oh dinosaur footprints Oh you mean God little God's Little tricksters oh yeah [Applause] sure okay I won't bother those but you know but that is astonishing landscape just a little further south Grand Canyon I have to rub my eyes every time I'm there to be like this is not a painting this is a real just this is a geographic anomaly ho that big that I'm looking at um but then you go to Joshua Tree after seeing that stuff and you're just like no no no you got you got the rock that's on top of the other rock over there that's pretty wild yeah look at that anyway what's over this way oh [ __ ] oh look at the Rock that's on the on the Rock a couple trees and doing thing there all right you know it's it's nice that it's there but it's kind of just like it's like a geographic Kardashian you know just it's it's hot and of no value but somehow keep trying to make it a thing you know so you know and all the all the honky witches from LA and the Stevie Nicks cosplayers go out there and recharge their crystals which all right all right let's all right I'm making fun of it but you know what if if crystals make you happy you're not hurting anybody go have your special rocks people have people have rabbits feet have a put a rock on a window still in the Moonlight and the next day you hold it you feel less anxiety you're not hurting anybody go for it it's weird times we all can extract energy from unorthodox sources in this world if you're yeah list I get I don't do crystals that's not my thing I find a balance and a fairness in this world uh just an equilibrium whenever I see an attractive person getting on a Southwest flight last that's that's when I know that there is some small undercurrent of Justice in this world you know you just just see a supermodel just somebody gorgeous a gorgeous individual and and you see that c on their boarding card and you know they have no idea you're like oh honey you're about to learn how the world really works yeah you got bumped off a United flight or sub now you're here with the great unwashed this is going to be fun cuz they always stand at the front of the plane with nothing but middle seats open they're just like I don't but I can't but why but what am I going to do you're going to rub some elbows with some stinkers that's what you're going to do squeeze in here with some slobs coming home from Vegas and make some friends but so we went out there and just did um drugs uh I mean like it's but like but not I don't even want to say it like in a woo like do you got do this I don't even just did mushrooms I just think they're good for you they're good for you psychologically I'm doing yeah okay and I'm not I'm not going to preach I'm not going to postize about it do them safely do them around people that have done them before that you trust and do them outside that's all you got don't do them in an apartment cuz you're just like [ __ ] the toilet is just has water that goes into the Earth man anything a wishing well if you dream big enough man is that that where my car keys are I'm turn it into a Ferrari so just go I mean and and you can have a bad trip but it's not I mean I'm not even talking about ases like I had a bad trip on this one not bad bad but like I just I was with a group of dudes and they I was outnumbered as far as the soundtrack of the trip went and so they wanted to listen to jam bands and I found a new kind of hell for myself if jam bands are your thing good for you bless your heart on that stuff I do not hear a jam I never hear a jam I hear five stepdads who do not know how to end a song that's what I hear I I don't care what name of the band you tell me it is it's one band for that names them all it's called noodle Lou and the turd herders and it's five dads in cargo shorts and one guy wants to end it you know one guy in the [Laughter] band seriously though I got a sitter for this weekend the Chip's not cheap dude I got Bri look at me [Laughter] dude [ __ ] see you bro count it down Todd I got to get the [ __ ] out of here there's no end to this joke it just goes [Applause] on in being in being faithful to that genre of music the joke just goes on till everybody's like we do have to get out of here that really there's no [ __ ] on that one but so at the end of the weekend everybody left and uh you know after we all just sat there frying out sinking in the sand everybody left I was the last one to leave and my van did the same thing it sank into the sand who would have thought big old heavy van and loose sand wouldn't agree with each other but I was the last one to go so I'm just there by myself like uh-oh I'm spinning the tires and I'm throwing debris under the tires trying to get traction I I wish I was the guy that knew those kind of things just oh just going to leverage you can put some weight on this uh opposite angle and then the rear differential that's actually going to go counterclockwise unless you grab traction I'm not that guy I had to look up on the Internet what to say for that part of the bit the guy I was like they're going but they're not going it's around but not forward just a guy who just is sweaty holding his phone like I [Laughter] I usually there a lot of answers this I did I looked at my phone had fantastic service out there go figure Verizon hey what are you in the middle of nowhere full bars hey you in an actual City where you live and conduct business why don't you suck our dicks so that's it's an odd choice for them to do that that way but I had full B I'm like all right I I called triaa I don't know I've been paying them shits for years I think and and I don't call them for the little things flat tire do it myself ran out of gas do it myself I think I can call the big favor on them so I'm like all right now Triple A and they're like where are you located I was like ha um it's it's out there cuz we weren't even in the part of the of the national park where there were still Rangers we were just out in the mafia burial [Laughter] ground so I was just like I there's not a lot of numbers out here unless you want to count cow skulls I'll just I'll drop a pin and we'll see if that works and and to their credit dropped a pin within an hour I saw a little white triaa van just bopping along the dirt road that I came in on just com and I and I could see it cuz there was a van big windshield I could see from a distance the guy behind the wheels just like he pul his window is down the first thing he said he just goes I can't do anything and I was like I know but now you're here and two heads better than one he was pissed but he's obligated so then we were just hanging out two of us were just leaning on his van looking at my van neither one of us having any answers and finally after a while he just goes I can call Garrett he gave me no context to who G he just said it like that's that's how we're going to do it we call Garrett he does Garrett work for AAA too maybe Garrett has an independent towing company maybe Garrett has a gun and he's going to come out and he's going to put a bullet in my head and you guys are going to split whatever you get for selling my van and you can tell me that plan now like a super villain cuz you know like oh you're going to die let me tell you exactly how so but I have no choice but to be optimistic so I'm like oh Garrett yeah [ __ ] I mean I don't know him but that's a strong name that's a guy who get sub done G will get it done I don't know what it is but he'll do it I [ __ ] G yeah and this guy wasn't having my [ __ ] he goes he's got a 350 and I'm like oh man maybe you can get like a 400 I don't know what are we talking I don't know if these numbers are important can you get more of the numbers like he's also got a cumins I'm like what's that hope that's a go ins he was he wasn't in the he wasn't into the truck humor he wasn't feeling it so he shuffled off and uh he called Garrett and within 20 minutes this mad maxian Cloud just appeared on the horizon just just tearing at us as if born of the Setting Sun this was the Phoenix that was Garrett and he was coming right at us now you know national parks are very precious about them and as they should be they're trying to preserve that [ __ ] but you get there and they're not screwing around they're like stay on the trail leave no Trace pack in what you pack out don't look at any of the animals in the face they can't know you're here actually we'd prefer it if you left that should be the slogan for national parks welcome to your national parks we'd prefer it if you left you're really only harming this beautiful place Garrett was not adhering to those rules Garrett was a firm believer in the concept that the quickest way between two points was a straight line so he was driving as the crow flies save for a couple swerves into the namesake shrubs there was a couple deliberate moves where I could Garrett was driving like somebody named Joshua had just [ __ ] his mother [Applause] and he was taking it out on your tax-funded public land there was a couple hard jerks of the wheel where you can tell he's like just cuz you're dick iner doesn't mean I'm calling you [Applause] Dad so that's that's what was tearing at us and I could see it was a truck of course truck [ __ ] truck truck truck give me a truck I want a truck taller taller than that taller give me another one put it on top of that one tall now wide make it a douly thick want a thick truck I want a truck with sexy hips I want a juicy curvy truck I love my curvy truck give me a thick tall Le leggy curvy truck a big ass breedable ass big wide breedable ass something I can hang on to when we sleep low dance give me a big thick curvy but nuts put nuts on it make sure there's nuts dangle some nuts dangle some little nuts off that [ __ ] ass thick truck thick curvy truck with nuts yeah she'll do she'll do I got her parked around back she'll tow it don't tell me you don't understand pronouns at that point when you got a big curvy truck with nuts that you call she and her how can one thing be a they look at your truck dude you [ __ ] you white trashed yourself into being Progressive you didn't even know it and it was tall and I get listen I get lift kits I understand that there's some utility to having a lift kit especially out there you need ground clearance but you know that some of these dudes that are getting lift kits like there's they are just using altitude to hide from alimony payments you can tell that some of those guys have you're probably here now you know what you did you probably you conco did your own legal loophole where you just you can't serve me papers if you can't reach me dude that's that's the law that's just the law that's a law just laying flat in the cab whenever baby mam come around looking for money [ __ ] she's still out there dude [ __ ] oh what money should theice look at this exhaust system I don't have any money that's coming at me as it gets close I can see there's graphics on the truck he's got graphics and it's it's like a graphics a wrap and it's the front of it that's all I can see so far it's skulls skulls yeah skulls I get it skulls they're unicorns for dudes skulls now I can see the side I see that the skull rap it gives away it didn't like Fade to the next de it was like it was like clawed away it like like the bald eagle came and like you experience the justice and then because then the back half was just it was all text it was all like script whatever font The Constitution's written in I don't know I don't know what it's called Patriot Sands or whatever but that that was all over the curvy hips of the a truck and I'm reading I'm like right away I'm assuming probably 2A probably Second Amendment that's the kind of thing you see on this truck never really championing the First Amendment you never see a bumper sticker on a truck like that that's just like sing your truth it's never it's never that it's usually some sort of come and take a type situation so I'm reading it but as I'm reading it I don't see anything about right to bear arms or you know defend I just see uh shall prevent against illegal search and seizure and personal property and all that stuff like that's the Fourth Amendment my man Garrett has his truck wrapped in the Fourth Amendment and that's when I realized something very specific had happened to Garrett you don't just cherry-pick that you're not just like I'm an American pick one I don't care wrap it up dude something went wrong with Garrett for him to be like Fourth Amendment so that he got I don't he he got busted selling reptile eggs on the dark web but he found a flaw in the warrant and decided that he he could defend himself in court that's the best I come up with he just showed up and just you know say chill like well respectfully your honor okay uh the warrant is looking for Bolivian salamanders and if I could point you to exhibit a uh the evidentiary photographs and you not see any Bolivian salamander eggs here do you I'm not to the untrained eye but I can tell you that these These are hondur and geckos uh now that is a similar spotting for any uh any uh uh people out there that that's a similar spotting but these are legal and I believe uh the 13 to 18 of the lower uh cont the states that are stuck together um as long as I fill out the proper paperwork at the post office here go here go your honor respectfully uh this whole thing should be thrown out here go respectfully and you could tell she had just had enough she's like that's the third time this week Garrett no godamn it $75 fine and that's what just sent him over the edge like not my America hell no you do not tread on me I will not be treadeth upon you're treading on me I don't want to be treaded on just [ __ ] wrap the truck Fourth Amendment I'm not putting up this [ __ ] no more [ __ ] you do not tread on me you don't nobody tread by the way by the way I do have the rattlesnake eggs from the don't tread on me flag but um but hit me up on my hot mail because the feds are Min are in my Yahoo account all right I'm still just making up the story I've not met Garrett yet first impression I have of Garrett were his feet I saw his feet cuz I was on the passenger side I was eye level with the step rail first thing I saw Garrett was underneath I couldn't see into the truck I could see underneath the truck I saw two little dangling slipon Vans tennis shoes that's what I saw just out there just looking for the ground just you know and I do not I for all the details I do not remember the size of Garrett I don't remember because all I know is that if you have to exit your vehicle like you're leaving a treehouse you're going to look like a little fella you're going to look tinier than you really are but I kind of liked him right away because he had to take that leap of faith to get out of there and he did it I even without seeing him I could see it was a good attitude cu the way he came down with a real like a ha here's Garrett like a real like real Ginger outlook on him I like it so he came around the front uh and this is the first time now I'm seeing Garrett in his full form and uh he had this look I you probably know this look out here it's very much a West Coast kind of look I don't know how to describe it's it's like it's kind of like La gangster but then it's also like white trash kind of dude not a but like but like Suicidal Tendencies meets Supercross kind of look like you know it's it's like it's the tall socks and the long shorts but then it's a Monster Energy shirt or some sort of energy drink and and and then but like the kind of guy that you could tell even if he only spent one night in jail for a DUI still like saying like back when I was incarcerated like they love something about the hard SE and incarcerated oh man when I was incarcerated like you were there for 12 hours and then the face is always too young for that and I I'm still scared of that look whatever age I don't care because even if you're not tough you're still crazy you still have like a sleeve tattoos and you do weird flips on motorcycles I'm not going to fight you you know you have butterfly knives that you're clumsy with but we'll still take them out [ __ ] what bro what flurry of chrome dude flurry of chrome and then the neck up it's always too young of a face uh it's it's it's a goatee but you could tell it's a goatee that they dream that it was bigger you could tell that you could tell they ask Jesus for it they're like at night just oh thank and the part that throws me off the most is that there's always a flat brim hat flat R ball hat that's way too big it always looks like a Peanuts character we and then they tuck their ears into the side do you guys know this look I'm talking about all right the ear thing throws me off the most because the rest of it like all right kind of a gnarly you know desert tweaker Mountain weirdo I get it but then the ears in the Hat thing is always like what now that's like real Rudy Vibes that undermine the whole toughness of the rest of it cuz it's like kind of tough kind of tough tough tough tough and then up here it just like coach says once I grow into the uniform I'm going to be a real scrapp and that's so confusing either way that's who stood before me this was gar and he didn't waste any time goes that's your van I'm like yeah he's like [ __ ] sick and went he just had chains chains Chains Got right back into his truck got in rolled some coal pulled me right back out of the dirt road yeah and that was it that happened that fast and I was like oh [ __ ] this this is great I'm saved what I realized then is that we had not discussed payment yet yeah we didn't go over that part now I'm in the desert and I owe a stranger a favor and it's not often that later in life you get to have a new kind of fear but I was like uhoh we didn't talk about about money I don't have cash and I don't have grass I guess what I have right now is a very open mind I did have credit cards Garrett like he's like 200 bucks I like oh do you take credit cards he goes I'll take your credit cards I I meant I meant as payment not as just strong arm robbery he's like no no I got a square for my phone to swipe I'm like of course you do it's great service out here of course full bars yeah okay but he's like 200 bucks I'm like there's no way it's going to be 200 bucks just tell me what you're going to buy when you steal my credit card information I'll get it for you I don't want to reset pin numbers just put together an Amazon wish list Like a Porn Star I owe you let me hook you up that was it it was 200 bucks there's no discrepancies on my credit card statements and he got me out of there and that's the end of that story and it should be a good end it's it is it is a good end in theory well the reason it's not a good end is because now I can't judge dudes like Garrett anymore and that suck at 45 you want to be like I'm setting my ways I got things figured out now all of a sudden I can't judge a book by its cover anymore and that's a drag that's my safe place in this world that's where I feel comfortable is walking around thinking I got everybody figured out and so [ __ ] them that's how I feel good look at you you dress like an [ __ ] I bet your kids don't love you wof you got a girl pregnant in high school thank God I'm better than everybody around me but no now Garrett has to come along and flip the script on me and now I got to sit behind those trucks on the highway and think like instead of wanting to see him flip over and burst into flames I'm like you might be saving an [ __ ] like me from dying in the middle of nowhere godp speed Garrett I don't know what to tell you and and it's weird because I think the world wants me to learn this lesson it's a bad character trait to be judgmental like that and I know that I'm still that way Garrett that was part one of the lesson I think part two is the fact that at 45 I don't know if it's age or if it's different medications that I'm on now because my various ailments I always have some pee in my pants that's just as sure as rain's wet I'll tell you I not enough to go to the doctor but enough to keep me humble so I leave it there I leave it there because I want to be a better person it's like just a half dollar's worth at all times I don't want it there I shake twice and then I then I strangle it a little bit like it owes me money like we're not going to do the drip again n boss man n and as soon as I put it back in my pants complete betrayal just just a thre lick little cat bath right in the front of my under Panic Yum Yum Yum just right there on the front my yes cold tip permanent cold tip tip so between Garrett and that I think the universe is trying to keep me in line cuz I'll still I'll revert to that kind of way where I'm like look at this [ __ ] over here oh I bet I bet you got a girl knocked up in high school then you never talk to her again and then some part of my brain like you think he's got some pee in his pants right now you know what probably not I don't know anything about you you don't know anything about me let's just get on in this world and be okay with each other Salt Lake City thank you so very much um I can't thank you enough thank you [Applause] guys as I watch the SM set along on the pals I hear a whisper through the tree a little dream I had when I was but a lad that life is surely beat and and set free I now I am the king of absolutely nothing a bely that is proud and full empty ble empty empty ble only dreams for you thank you very much

Channel: Kyle Kinane

Views: 237,199

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Id: dt4EkGzZbsU

Length: 60min 29sec (3629 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 07 2024